What Are You Hiding And What Is It Costing Your Relationships

Every family wants peace, but a lot of homes settle into tension, distance, and the kind of silence where you both know something is wrong and nobody says it out loud. We follow that pattern back to Genesis 3 and the first “cover-up,” when fear and shame enter a relationship and instantly create hiding, self-protection, and blame. From there, we connect the Bible’s diagnosis to what couples and churches still experience today: guarded hearts, mixed signals, and conflicts that keep repeating because the real issue stays underground.

Dr. Timothy Mann names three categories of feelings that many of us fear in marriage and relationships: hurt feelings, negative feelings, and sensual feelings. We talk about why admitting pain can feel impossible, why normal frustration gets treated like a crisis, and why sexual intimacy often becomes a zone of silence and self-consciousness instead of honest connection. Along the way, we challenge the myth that staying quiet is maturity, and we make a simple case for courageous love that speaks clearly and kindly.

Then we tackle control. When insecurity spikes, people start demanding their rights, pushing for dominance, and using manipulation, resentment, or withdrawal to get their way. That dynamic shows up in marriages and in churches. The way forward is humility and yielding: focusing less on “my needs, my comfort, my way,” and more on serving, loving, and letting the Holy Spirit lead. We close with three practical steps to face fear: be honest with yourself, be honest with God through confession, and be honest with your spouse, plus a gut-check question you’ll keep thinking about long after the audio ends.

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Transcript

Ministry Welcome And Series Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You're listening to Foundations of Truth, the radio and podcast ministry of firm foundations. Our mission is to help you build your life on the unshakable foundation of God's Word. Rooted in Scripture, anchored in the grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Every family wants peace, but many homes today are filled with tension, distance, even silence. And why? Genesis chapter 3 gives us the answer. It shows us how sin entered the world. As we continue on foundations of truth in our series, Home Security, God's Protection Plan for the Family, and the second part of the great cover-up message. Here now is Dr. Timothy Mann.

Fear Of Hurt Feelings

Fear Of Negative Feelings

Fear And Sexual Shame

Fear Of Control And Power Struggles

Listener Support And Donation Request

SPEAKER_01 0:40

We have two selves, don't we? You know that? We have two selves. We have the public self that we show to everybody that says, I'm cool, I've got it all together, everything is just fine. And then we have our private selves that has fears and apprehensions and doubts and hang-ups and is scared of feelings. There's really three kinds of feelings that frighten us. There are many more, but there are at least three main ones that scare people in marriage in particular. They not only scare people in marriage and relationships, it can also be a problem in the church. Two of them are specifically in the church. Three relate completely to marriage and relationships, but two of them boil over into the church. The first one is this. Here's the first kind of feeling we're afraid of. We're afraid of hurt feelings. Hurt feelings frighten us. Hurt feelings really bother us. We don't like to admit that we're vulnerable. We don't like to admit it when something's wrong. We play a game that I call, is something wrong? You know how it goes. Is something wrong? No. No, I'm okay. Are you sure? No, I'm okay. I can tell something's wrong. No, everything's fine. You know they're lying. You know that. We don't like to admit it when we're hurt. We can't handle hurt feelings. This goes for both men and women, but especially men. I'm speaking from a man's perspective. And instead of saying, You've hurt me, what do we do? We get angry. We stuff it sometimes, or we get angry. You never admit pain. I grew up in a culture where we were taught as men that you never, never, ever express hurt. You never admit pain. You never cry. No, you be you be macho and you never let anything get to you. And because of that, a lot of men will never allow their wives to really get close to them emotionally. It can be a problem in churches, too. There's a fear of intimacy there. The problem is hiding a hurt always intensifies it. It always makes it worse. And when you hide a hurt, it becomes this big bugaboo in the closet that you don't want anybody else to know about. Your feelings are hurt. And when we're afraid of our feelings, we back off and we become distant. We don't want then anybody else to become close to us because we'll get our feelings hurt again, and hurt feelings frighten us. Let me tell you another kind of feeling that frightens us. Negative feelings. Negative feelings frighten us. Have you ever noticed that we have a tendency to deny when we're angry? I am not angry. I am not raising my voice. You ever heard that in a marriage? I mean, you're having one of those intense moments of fellowship at home. I'm not raising my voice. We just don't like to admit when we're upset. Negative feelings frighten us. And the truth is, every marriage has good days and bad days. Every marriage has ups and downs. We go through cycles. Some days you feel very loving and amorous toward them. Some days you just want to wring their neck. I mean, the fact is, sometimes your spouse is a pain in the ankle. You know, it's just true. They're in irritation and they bother you, and so you maybe don't want to hang around them for a little while. Sometimes you just want to say, I don't like you today. That doesn't mean that I don't love you. It doesn't mean that our marriage is falling apart. It doesn't mean that I'm going to ask for a divorce. It means you just tick me off right now. That's all it means. And that is so normal. It's normal. But negative feelings frighten us. Let me give you a third one. It's this one. Sensual feelings frighten us. Sensual feelings frighten us. Notice Adam and Eve's initial reaction when fear entered their relationship. It says verse 7 the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings. When fear entered their relationship, immediately and instinctively they covered up. They put on clothes. Go back to chapter 2, verse 25. I want you to compare the two. Chapter 2, verse 25 says this. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Look at the difference. Before fear entered the relationship, they were totally unconscious of themselves. They were focusing completely on each other. They were not inhibited. Fear always inhibits in every way. Prior to fear entering this relationship, they were not nervous. They were not under stress. They were naked and they were enjoying each other. They weren't self-conscious. But the moment fear entered into the relationship, they got dressed. They put on clothes. They became very self-conscious. That's always what happens. In any kind of relationship, when we allow fear to take over, we become very self-centered and very self-conscious. You understand that surveys reveal that probably as many as 80% of all couples in America are dissatisfied or frustrated with their physical relationship in marriage. Why is that? Well, the reason why that's true is that most people are afraid to talk about it. It scares them to death. Some of you are having a coronary right now to have your pastor even vaguely talk about it. Some of you are just like breaking out in hives right there in your living room as I talk about this. Do you know what the entire book of the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament is about? Some of you say, well, it's about Christ's relationship to the church. Well, you can over-spiritualize that if you want to, but that's not what it's about. It's not. Read the book. It's all about physical expression of your love for your spouse. Now, I do believe there are some spiritual metaphors that we can apply there, but you're afraid to be honest. You're bugged and you're frustrated and you don't know how to bring it up. You're afraid to be honest about your needs and sit down and say, hey, this would make our relationship better. It's hard. I know it's hard. We're just not able to talk about it. We don't even like to hear it. We're frightened by sensual feelings. And so many people, even Christians, and here's the problem: Christians are inhibited by previous experience in life, maybe before you came to Christ, or something that happened in your childhood, or by past misconceptions, even. And it's sad because too many couples lie in bed at night, night after night, wondering, what in the world is my spouse thinking? You know, God did not make you to be a very good mind reader. Ladies, did you hear that? We're not good mind readers, and I know you're not either. We can't do it. We're not any good at it at all. But we can't communicate until we get rid of the fear. When we're afraid of our feelings, we become distant. We become afraid. We play that mind game. That mind game of is anything wrong? No, nothing's wrong. Listen, if you love your spouse, let them know. If you really love your spouse, let them know. Say it and show it. Love your mate. Some of you think, some of you guys think you're the macho type, the silent type. Let me ask you a question. What takes more courage? Does it take more courage to be silent? Or does it take more courage to say to your wife, honey, I love you with all of my heart, and I really need you to know some things. This is what I need in my life. That's courage. That's courage. Silence isn't golden, it's just plain yellow. It's chicken. It's chicken. When we fear our faults, we become defensive. When we fear our feelings, we become distant. Now let me give you another one. Hang in here with me. This is worthwhile. Here's the third one. When we fear for our freedom, when we fear for our freedom, we become demanding. When we fear for our freedom, we become demanding. Now, insecurity is seen in all kinds of attitudes. Attitudes like, I must always be in control. I must always have my way. Man, I figured out how to have the last word in conversation with your wife. Just say, you're right. No, that's not, that doesn't work. It really doesn't work. You've got to say a lot more than just you're right. Insecurity. This demanding that begins to happen. Verses 14 through 19. Well, I don't have time to really read it again, but in this story, verses 15 through 19 describes the results of the fall when sin entered the world. And it damaged Adam and Eve's perfect relationship. And there are a number of harmful consequences of sin in the world that are listed right here in these verses that we read earlier. But there's one tragic effect of sin in relationships, and it's this it's a struggle for domination. A struggle for dominance. You see it all the time in marriages. You see it in churches, sadly. Verse 16 says, Your desire will be for. Literally, the word desire means dependency. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. Rule? That's a lousy word, isn't it? It really is. And this is the first time it's mentioned in their relationship. You see nothing about ruling prior to sin in the world. But now that fear has entered, God says, He will rule over you. God pronounces it as such. Now what is God saying here? God is saying that one of the effects of sin is that there is a struggle for domination. There's a struggle for control. I see it all the time. I see it in couples all the time who are constantly and continually fighting. And when you boil it down, the issue is summed up in one word. Control. Control. Who's going to control the marriage? You see it in churches all the time. Who's going to control the church? Until the Holy Spirit of God controls the church, there's always going to be a struggle. Oh, that we would get to the place where no one and nothing else, not tradition, not a personality, not a board, not a committee, not the pastor. Oh, that we would get to the place where only the Holy Spirit of God completely controls his church here at Providence. Amen? Praise his name. And then it would be that way in your relationships as well. The same way in marriage. Who's going to control the relationship? It's a power struggle. And when you have two very insecure and frightened people demanding their rights and trying to claim them, you have husbands walking around like little dictators. He's trying to prove his competency when he feels threatened about something. And listen, the wife is just as insecure as she resists and rebels and says things like, over my dead body. And when I find a wife who is reacting and rebelling to her husband's suggestions and leadership, I realize it's very obvious. They're both very insecure. They both feel very threatened. And when we fear for our freedom, we become demanding. We become demanding. Let me give you a tip right now to make your marriage better. It'll make the church better as well. Stop focusing on your own rights. Stop focusing on your own rights. When we continually focus on our own rights in marriage and in a relationship and in the church, it forces us then to live in a continual state of frustration and anger. We're always angry that our rights, my needs, my wants are not being met if that's what I'm focusing on all the time. And the fact is, is when you got married and when you became a Christian, you gave up some rights. You don't belong to you anymore. In marriage, you belong to that other person. In salvation, you belong to the Lord. And so the secret of a good marriage and the secret of a good church is that you're always yielding your rights to each other. Marriage really should be a submission contest. Life in the church should be a submission contest. God is never going to show up in power and might like he desires to in the life of a church until we reach a place that we say, I am overwhelmingly, passionately, unreservedly, uninhibitedly consumed about doing what it takes to reach the person who does not know the Lord Jesus Christ and welcoming them and embracing them and sharing with them the good news and the gospel of Jesus Christ and the love of Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter whether we sing Amazing Grace once every month. Let me boil it down to you very briefly that this is it. God is not going to show up and bless and bring revival, and we're not going to see people saved until we get over ourselves. We stop demanding our rights all the time. What I want, what makes me happy, what makes me comfortable, what pleases me. I wonder if God is saying, when are they going to start being concerned and preoccupied about what makes me happy? And the same in your relationship. I see the same thing in marriages. You know what? You'll have a marriage revival, buddy, if you'll start being concerned about what makes your wife happy. You'll have a marriage revival. I mean that meets her needs, that lights her fire. I'm not talking about what will keep her from nagging you, not those kind of things. I'm not talking about, you know, just not having conflict, but what really meets her needs. And the same thing, ladies, for you with your husband. I'm going to tell you what. When one partner tries to control the other, when one spouse tries to manipulate the other, when one spouse tries to use the other, and we have all have our ways of doing that, by the way, whether it's verbally or physically or with guilt or resentment or whatever, or the silent treatment, you know, frees them out. When one person tries to control the other spouse, let me tell you what happens. The other person starts feeling trapped, and they say things like, I've got to get out of this. I'm trapped. I'm stuck. I don't like this control. Do you understand? When somebody starts pushing somebody else, they automatically push back. How do you face your fears? I've got to finish. Let me give you quickly three ways to face your fears. We're going to wrap it up.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

What if the struggles in your home didn't start with you? What if they go all the way back to the very first family? Find out more as we continue our message, The Great Cover-Up with Dr. Timothy Mann, coming up on Foundations of Truth.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Before we continue in today's message, I just want to take a moment right now to thank those of you who support this ministry. Foundations of Truth exists because faithful listeners like you believe God's word still transforms lives. If this program is strengthening your walk with Christ, would you prayerfully consider supporting Firm Foundations Ministries? Your partnership helps us continue teaching, broadcasting, and reaching others with the truth of Scripture. You can give securely at firm-foundations.org. Thank you for standing with us.

Three Honesty Steps To Heal

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Yesterday, Dr. Timothy Mann delved into some things that cause problems in our marriages, and he'll continue to offer that advice through the biblical lens as we continue on foundations of truth in our series, Home Security, God's Protection Plan for the Family, and the second part of the great cover-up message. Here now is Dr. Timothy Mann.

A Safe Church For Confession

What Are You Hiding Final Prayer

SPEAKER_01 17:06

First of all, be honest with yourself. Some of you really need to do that. You need to be honest with yourself. You need to be honest with yourself and say, I've got some faults. I've got some weaknesses. I've got some sin issues. I am actually a contributing factor to the problem in this relationship. I'm actually a contributing factor to the problem in this marriage. And don't just be general, be specific about it. Be honest about it. These are the faults. Proverbs 28, verse 13. I love the way one of the new translations puts this. This verse says, you can't solve a problem until you first admit it. I love that. The King James says, He who covers his sins will not prosper. 1 John 1.8 says, if we say we have no sin, we are a liar and the truth is not in us. We're sinners. We're not fooling anybody else. We're only fooling ourselves. The two most difficult words in the English language is I'm sorry. And then the three next most difficult words is I need help. If you're going to face your fears, you're going to have to be honest with yourself. Secondly, you need to be honest with God. You need to be honest with God. 1 John 1 9 says, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Confession in the Greek language is to speak the same thing. That's what it means. To speak the same thing. Speak it. Confession means to agree with God. It means to say, God, you're right. I'm wrong. I'm a sinner. I've got a fault in this area. This is a bad attitude. This is a sin. This is a serious mistake. This is a failure, God. I agree with you. I'm not excusing it. I'm wrong. And the Bible says, I love this. The Bible says in Proverbs chapter 2, with humility is honor. With humility is honor. The fact is, when I confess to God, it's humbling, yes. But with humility comes honor and wisdom and the wisdom to change. Some of you think this morning that if you were to confess to God, you might shock him. He'd be surprised somehow. Well, that's silly. Because God already knows everything you do, whether you think he does or not. He knows every single thing. And coming and telling God something, you're not coming and telling God something he doesn't know. Confession means I'm coming to God and I'm going to agree with him about what he already knows about me. Lord, I agree with you, and this is wrong. Third, be honest with your spouse. Be honest with your spouse. You know what I found out, and I don't always do it, and I need to do it much more. But when you admit human imperfection, it actually endears you to people. Pride is what drives them away. I mean, how many of you actually get the warm fuzzies around a prideful, arrogant so-and-so? I mean, you really like to be around that person. Somebody that's always so cocky and always bragging about it and so full of themselves. You know, you've done it and they've done it better. How many of you really like to spend time with that kind of person? Pride is what drives people away. Admitting human imperfection is what endears you to people. It's a blessing. You know what my dream is? My dream is to be a part of a church. Oh, this is this is my dream. I've been a part of some good churches, but I'm still dreaming for this church. My dream is to be a part of a church that will be a place where people will feel so loved and so unconditionally accepted. I'm not talking about lowering a standard for righteousness or holiness. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about where people will feel loved by the people of God and so unconditionally accepted that people can be free to admit their weaknesses and their problems, and they're not going to be gossiped about. They're not going to be stabbed in the back. They're going to be loved and helped and loved unconditionally anyway. Oh, how I long and dream to be a part of a church like that. You know why we don't obey that wonderful verse over there in the back of James where it says, confess your faults to one another and you'll be healed? You know why we don't do that? Because oftentimes confession turns into the prayer chain. You know what I'm talking about? We get on the phone and we say, Listen, let me tell you who we need to pray for and why. And it becomes gossip. Healing comes when we can become a place and a people where it's okay to struggle, it's okay to have weaknesses, and we lean on each other, we share with each other, and we love each other anyway, and we pray for each other and challenge each other to move forward. Let me ask you. Straight up a question this morning, and I hope this question is convicting. I hope the Spirit of God convicts you, and we're going to close. What are you hiding? What are you hiding? Are you hiding anything? Are you making excuses for it? It's amazing to me that the thing we desire most is intimacy is the thing that we're frightened of the most. We're even frightened with an intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, and it shouldn't be that way. He's promised everything we need in the cross of Calvary to remove the barriers for intimacy with Him, for fellowship with Him that is real, and yet we fear that and we shrink back from it and we don't take advantage of it. And we try to do things in our own mind, our own strength, our own flesh. And look at all the problems and difficulties that we get when He's what we need. When He's what you need. Let's pray. Father, thank you for your word. How applicable it is to our life. It's so very relevant. It changes us. Lord, when we apply it. Give us strength and courage to do that. Help us to be your people no matter what. Help us just to yield to you and to yield to each other, and you will be honored and be glorified. We thank you now for what you're doing. In Jesus' name. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

Strong families don't happen by accident. They're built on truth. And that's why this ministry exists to bring God's word into homes just like yours. If you believe in that mission, would you please help support Foundations of Truth? You can give securely online right now at firm-foundations.org. That's firm-foundations.org. We are a listener-supported radio program and podcast, and we're grateful for your partnership. You can also hear us weekdays at 10 a.m. on AM990 FM 101.5, the Word Orlando. And you can download our podcast wherever you get your podcasts. And if you sign up for our email list this month, we'll send you a free resource on three reasons you can trust the authority of Scripture from Dr. Timothy Mann. Thank you so much for joining us today on Foundations of Truth. We'll continue our series Home Security, God's Protection Plan for the Family tomorrow. You can download this episode as a podcast free anywhere you get your podcasts. Also listen to us daily at 10 a.m. weekdays on the radio in Orlando, Florida, on AM990-101.5 FM, The Word Orlando. Foundations of Truth is listener supported. Your support helps us keep this program on the air. You can give a gift right now at firm-foundations.org. And thank you so much for listening.

Book Resource On Salvation Assurance

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Before we close today, I want to tell you about a resource that I believe will be a genuine help to you. I've recently published my first book, Saved, Understanding God's Work in Us. In over 30 years of pastoral ministry, one of the questions I've encountered more than almost any other is this. How can I know that I am truly saved? It is a question that deserves a careful, biblical answer. And that is exactly what this book is designed to give. Saved, understanding God's work in us, walks through what the scripture teaches about salvation, what God has done for us, what he is doing in us, and the assurance that every believer can have because of his work. If you want to understand salvation more deeply, stand on firmer ground in your faith, or be better equipped to share the gospel with someone you love, then this book was written for you. You can find it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Books a Million, and pretty much anywhere you buy books. Just search Saved, Understanding God's Work in Us by Doctor Timothy Mann. I pray it strengthens your faith. Thanks for being with us today. God bless you.