What If Forgiveness Is More For You Than Them

Unforgiveness doesn’t just “sit there” in the background. We’ve watched it spill into tone of voice, cold silence, quick tempers, and years of distance and it can make a home feel unsafe even when nothing is being said out loud. Dr. Timothy Mann continues our Home Security series with a message from Matthew 18 that goes straight at the hurt that happens in relationships and the one remedy God gives for painful memories: forgiveness.

We slow down and define what forgiveness is not, because confusion here wrecks people. Forgiveness is not minimizing the offense. It is not an instant restoration of trust. It is not returning to the same unhealthy relationship without real change. That clarity matters for marriage, parenting, and every family relationship because it helps you pursue biblical forgiveness while still practicing wisdom, setting boundaries, and patiently rebuilding credibility.

Then we open Jesus’ parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:23–35) and feel the weight of the gospel: God has forgiven an unpayable debt through Jesus Christ, our substitute. When that grace becomes real to us, we finally have a reason and a power to let go. We also face the blunt reality that resentment doesn’t work; it multiplies pain and makes us foolish, and the book of Job gives language to that warning.

Subscribe for more biblical teaching, share this with someone who’s stuck in a cycle of hurt, and leave a review so others can find Foundations of Truth. What relationship do you need to start forgiving today?

Transcript

Welcome And Series Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Foundations of Truth. This is the podcast and radio program of Firm Foundations Ministry. Our mission is to help you build your life on the unshakable foundation of God's Word, rooted in Scripture, anchored in the grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Our teacher is Dr. Timothy Mann. Today on Foundations of Truth, we continue our series: Home Security, God's Protection Plan for the Family. And today's message is the first of two parts from Matthew 18 on the subject of forgiveness. What it is and what it isn't. Here now is Dr. Timothy Mann.

Why Hurt Threatens The Home

Forgiveness As The Only Antidote

What Forgiveness Is Not

SPEAKER_01 0:33

Matthew chapter 18 is where we are. We've been talking about home security, God's protection plan for the family. And we've looked at the original design for the family, marriage, we've talked about parenting, external forces that come against your family, that come against your marriage and your home. I want us to think about one of the most damaging issues that brings massive danger to our marriages and to our homes and what to do about it to keep our homes safe. This is actually going to be a terrible message this morning. It's an awful sermon, I have to tell you. It's awful because of the difficulty of the subject. It's a challenge for all of us, and you'll see what I'm talking about shortly. We all struggle with it. The issue that I'm dealing with this morning that creates damage to our marriages, to our homes, and our families. And really, whether you're married or not, whether you have kids at home anymore, this topic is relevant to all of us. It's a major issue in the Christian life. And it has to do, the issue I'm talking about is the hurt that happens in relationships. The hurt that happens in relationships. The fact is, the world is filled with broken relationships. Everybody want to agree on that? The world is filled with broken relationships. You are going to be hurt in life. You've already been hurt. I'm sorry for that. You've been hurt by what some people have said about you. You've been hurt by what people have thought about you. You've been hurt by what people have done to you, emotionally, physically, verbally, maybe financially. You're going to be hurt in life by the things that people say and do. Many of us carry deep wounds from past hurts. Maybe a lot of scars, but maybe it's still an open wound. From a parent. Or a brother or sister. Or a peer. Maybe a partner. Or maybe it was some professional who was supposed to be helpful to you. Somebody in your life wounded you deeply. And even as I talk about it, they come to mind pretty quickly, don't they? As somebody who cares about you, as someone who loves you, as someone who wants God's best for your life, I want to say to you that if you want God's best for your life, you're going to have to let it go. If you want to have a healthy relationship with your spouse, you're going to have to let it go. If you're going to, if you want your family to remain secure, you're going to have to let it go. You have to learn how to let go of past hurts. Now, this is not an easy thing to do. I do not stand before you this morning as an expert on this subject. I do not stand before you this morning as having already arrived, and now I have completely comprehended all that this entails in every way. I, like you, am made of flesh. From the dust I came to the dust I will go. The Bible says very clearly, man who is born of a woman is a few days and full of trouble. And that's a reality. And we all struggle with these kinds of issues. But just because I may not be the perfect example of what I'm delivering this morning in every way in my life, that doesn't change the truth of God's word. We must face the truth of God's word. Because we all have hurt in our relationships. And it's one of those issues. We talked about the external factors last week. This is one of the issues that will destroy your marriage, your family, your home from the inside out. And other relationships. The fact is, there's only one antidote to painful memories. Forgiveness. There is no other option. Nothing else can actually set you free from the past except forgiveness. Nothing else works. If you want to get on with your life, if you want to make your life worthwhile as a couple in your home, if you want to be happy in life again, then you're going to have to learn to let go of past hurts. And we're going to get to Matthew 18 in a few minutes, and we'll be examining verse 23 down through verse 35. I'll be reading that in just a few moments, but there's so much faulty thinking about forgiveness. Even in the church, even among God's people. There's so much faulty thinking about forgiveness. Many people say I could never, ever forgive because they don't understand what forgiveness is. They don't know what it is. So I want to start just for a few moments this morning with what forgiveness isn't. What forgiveness isn't. I think that's helpful. First of all, I want you to understand that forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of the offense. Forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of the offense. If someone comes to you and asks you to forgive them for something they've done to you, and you say, oh, it was no big deal, it doesn't really matter. And you kind of blow it off, and you're actually cheapening forgiveness. You're minimizing it. Minimizing a hurt is not forgiveness. To say, it's no big deal, it's not forgiveness. In fact, as I said, it cheapens it. And if it's not a big deal, then it's not worthy of forgiveness. But the fact remains, the fact is, because you still remember it and it still hurts, and it hurts deeply, it is a big deal, and you need to not minimize the hurt. The answer is forgiveness, not minimization. That's what forgiveness is not. It's not minimizing the offense. The second thing forgiveness is not, is instant restoration of trust. Forgiveness is not instant restoration of trust. Most of us don't seem to understand this. That's one of the points of tension that we struggle with, I think, when we think about forgiveness. We think I immediately now have to trust this person again. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Forgiveness as a Christian is to be immediate. Trust is rebuilt over time. Forgiveness is by grace. Trust is by works. What do I mean by that? Well, when somebody hurts you as a Christian, you have to forgive them. You are actually commanded by God to forgive them. And in just a minute, we're going to talk about reasons why you have to do that as a Christian. But you don't have to trust them instantly. Trust has to be rebuilt over time. If somebody repeatedly hurts you over and over and over, you actually have to biblically forgive them over and over and over. But you do not have to let them keep hurting you. Does that make sense? You do not have to trust them. Let's say, for instance, let's say a woman, just a hypothetical, let's say a woman has a husband who is alcoholic and abusive. Every night he comes home and he gets drunk and he beats her up. She can kick him out of the house and say, you get out of the house until you get your act together, and then you come back. And if he comes back an hour later and says, I'm so sorry, will you forgive me? Will you forgive me? Yes, I do forgive you. Will you let me back in the house? No, that's a different issue. You've got to prove that. You've got to earn it. Trust is built over a long period of time. It takes a long time to build credibility. It takes a long time to build trust, and it can be lost in an instant. It can be lost in a second. You can lose trust in a second, and it takes even longer to rebuild it. Trust is actually what leaders base their leadership on. If you don't have trust, you're not a leader. If you don't have trust, it doesn't matter if you've got a title, you're not a leader. That credibility can be lost instantly, and it has to be rebuilt. There has to be a period of restoration. Same thing in a family, same thing in a relationship. You don't just automatically put leaders back in the position once you forgive them. Does that make sense? You have to learn to rebuild trust. They must be proven worthy of that. So forgiveness is not minimizing the offense, and forgiveness is not the same thing as trusting a person and saying, you can just keep on hurting me. The third thing forgiveness is not, is this. The third thing forgiveness is not resuming the relationship without any changes. It's not resuming the relationship without any changes. A lot of people are actually afraid to forgive because they think that means I've got to go back to that old dysfunctional, hurting, unhealthy relationship. No. That's not what forgiveness is at all. And no, you don't have to do that. Forgiveness is not the same thing as reuniting a relationship. They're very different. For a relationship to be completely reunited, to be completely reconciled, the offender has to do some things. Repentance, restitution, a rebuilding of trust. When a betrayal, when a relationship is broken over a betrayal or something like that, then the offender, there has to be some demonstration of genuine repentance. They have to make restitution where possible and if it is applicable. And they have to regain your trust by proving they've changed over time. That's what they have to do to rebuild the relationship. But that's not forgiveness. That's, I'm, look, I'm not talking about that today. I'm talking about your role. Not what the offender has to do. I'm talking about your role. Your role when you've been hurt is forgiveness. Your role is totally independent of whether they ever ask for it or not, whether they deserve it or not. They don't deserve it. They don't deserve it. You don't do it for their benefit. You actually do forgiveness for your benefit. I'll explain that in just a minute. Forgiveness is what you do, regardless of their response to the hurt. Some of us have been hurt so badly by somebody that you love or that was close to you, that the thought of offering forgiveness to that person, a parent, a spouse, a brother, a sister, somebody you work with, another church member, the thought of offering forgiveness to that person is almost unthinkable to you.

Listener Support And How To Give

SPEAKER_00 12:49

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things God calls us to do, but it is also one of the most freeing. If God is using this program in your life, would you help us continue sharing this message? Foundations of Truth is listener supported. And you can give a gift today at firm-foundations.org. That's firm-foundations.org. Now let's rejoin Dr. Timothy Mann with today's message. And thank you for standing with us.

Three Questions Before The Text

Parable Of The Unforgiving Servant

Reason One God Forgave Us

Reason Two Resentment Fails

SPEAKER_01 13:16

So I want us to do three things today. I can obey so many of the other commands so much more easily than this one. And you can too. So we're going to look at three things. Three questions. One is why should I let go of my hurt? Why? Why should I let go of my hurt? Why should I let go of people who've hurt me? The second question we're going to look at is where do I find the power to let go? Because you don't have the power in yourself. And third, the final question is how do I do it? How do I do it? How do I let go of those who've hurt me? So the first point, why should I let go of my hurt? We're going to look at Matthew 18. We're going to begin in. I'm going to jump in in verse 23. I'll come back around in a little while to verse 21 and 22. But we're going to jump in at verse 23 and we're going to read all the way down through verse 35. Matthew 18, Jesus is telling the story here of the unforgiving servant to give us a backdrop. Okay? So if you're ready for the scripture, say amen. Verse 23. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him 10,000 talents, but he was not able to pay. His master commanded that he be sold, that his wife and children, with his wife and children, and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all. Now look at verse 27. And then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. You should write in your margin, if you're a note-taking person in your Bible, that's forgiveness. Moved with compassion, released him and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denai. Now, the guy who was forgiven owed an unbelievable amount of money. Astronomical debt, a massive debt. This guy, the servant, went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. It wasn't a lot. And he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me what you owe. And so his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay you all. And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what he had done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. And then his master, after he had called him, said to him, You wicked servant, I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you? And his master was angry and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So, my heavenly Father also will do to you, if each of you from his heart does not forgive his brother his trespasses. We'll stop here. It really is quite awful to our flesh and to our sense of what's owed us. So, three reasons from this passage I want to show you. You have to forgive people, especially in your home. People who have hurt you. Why do I need to forgive? The first reason is this because God has forgiven me. Because God has forgiven me. In the parable that Jesus taught, you have the master who forgave this one, who owed such a massive debt to him. That's God. Servant is representative of us. Master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. That's the reason, the very first reason and the number one reason. Those are a little different, right? It's the first reason and the number one reason. Because God has forgiven me. Listen, the fact is, you will never have to forgive anybody more than God has already forgiven you. God forgives you completely. God forgives you unconditionally. God forgives you instantly. God forgives you persistently. God forgives you even when you don't know you're blowing it. He forgives you and he wipes it out when you put your trust in Jesus Christ and you accept that Jesus Christ paid all of your sins. God wipes it all out. You will never have to forgive anybody more than God has forgiven you. The Bible says in Ephesians chapter 4, verse 32. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Maybe one of the reasons some of us have a hard time forgiving other people could be because you don't feel forgiven. And when you don't feel forgiven, you don't feel forgiving. When you don't feel God's grace, you don't like being gracious to anybody else. When you don't feel released of your debt, you don't want to let anybody free of their debt to you. When you don't feel anybody's cutting you some slack, you don't want to cut anybody else any slack. And when you don't feel good about you or you feel guilty, you certainly don't want anybody else feeling good about themselves. Perhaps. Maybe one of the reasons you have a hard time letting go is because you don't feel forgiveness. If you really experience the forgiveness of God, once you understand how much, how totally, how completely, and how greatly God has forgiven you, you're just going to be a whole lot more forgiving of other people. When you feel forgiven, you start forgiving other people. That's why if you've never experienced the grace of God, you've never really felt forgiven by God, what you need to really see is what God has done for you in his Son Jesus Christ. Every ungodly thought you've ever had, every covetous inclination, every second of greed, every moment of pride, every ounce of deception, every drop of hate, every moment of idolatry, every time there's ever been a lustful thought, everything you've ever thought, said, or done that was against the will of God, God took all of that of yours, every bit of it, and he placed it on his perfect, holy, sinless son, and he judged your sin in your place. He poured out all of his wrath on his son in your place. By God's grace, by his mercy. While you were still a sinner, God demonstrated his love. He proved his love, he's commended his love toward you. That while you were still a sinner, not after you got your act together, not after you cleaned up, but while you were still an enemy of God, he did that for you. Jesus Christ died for your sins. Died for you, in your place. And that word for, ladies and gentlemen, does not just mean for your benefit. It truly means in your place, as your substitute. That's what God did for you in Christ. And until you really see what God has done for you in His Son Jesus, until that happens in your life and you really finally accept the forgiveness of Jesus Christ, you're going to have a hard time letting go and forgiving those who have hurt you. So, why should I forgive? Why do I have to forgive? It's because God has forgiven me in Christ. Here's the second reason. Second reason I need to forgive other people is this. Unforgiveness doesn't work. Did you see how unforgiveness worked out for the guy in the parable? It doesn't work. It only brings more pain in your life. Resentment doesn't work. It's self-defeating. In fact, it's self-destructive. Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you're resenting. It always causes you more pain than the person you're upset with. It just doesn't work. In the Bible, there was this guy named Job who lost everything in a single day. Terrorists came in and killed all of his children, stole all of his cattle, ruined his crops, and on top of that, he got a terrible disease. Everything went wrong. And if anybody ever had a right, we're all concerned about our rights these days. If anybody ever had a right to be bitter about the circumstances of life, I would say Job did, wouldn't you? But ultimately, ultimately, he didn't get resentful. Now he asked God some questions along the way. But ultimately, he never got resentful. He didn't become bitter because he knew that resentment didn't work. Let me give you some verses from Job. We're not going to turn there for the sake of time, but I want to give you some verses from his story. Job chapter 5, verse 2 says this. Surely resentment destroys the fool. Job chapter 5, verse 2. Surely resentment destroys the fool. Resentment is foolish. In other words, it's illogical, it's irrational. In fact, when we fill our lives with resentment, we really do some dumb stunts sometimes. I know I have in the past. If you've ever seen anybody get really angry in public and they make a fool of themselves in that moment, what's happening? What's happening? Well, whenever you get resentful and angry, you immediately lose rationality. Something about anger, something about resentment. That's why we have the command in Ephesians, be angry, but don't sin. Be angry and sin not. Something about anger. When you get mad, anytime you start seeking revenge, you're going to get dumber, not smarter. You're going to start doing things that are really foolish and trying to get revenge. Things that you would never do if you were rational and logical. Resentment is unreasonable. It always makes us look foolish.

Resources And Closing Blessing

SPEAKER_00 25:24

Foundations of Truth is the presentation of Firm Foundations Ministries, Oreman Beach, Florida. If you'd like more resources or to listen to this program again, go to FirmDash Foundations.org. You can also listen weekdays at 10 a.m. on 9 90 AM 101.5 FM, The Word, Orlando, Florida. We are a listener supported program. Your donations help keep us on the air. You can give a gift right now at firmdash foundations.org. And thank you for listening. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of God stands forever.