How You Can Rebuild Peace In Your Marriage

The fights that drain a home usually feel like they are about habits, money, parenting, or tone, but we go after what is often underneath all of it: disordered desire and misplaced expectations. When I demand that another person meet needs only God can meet, disappointment turns into resentment, and resentment turns into conflict. Using James 4, we challenge a simple but neglected first step for Christian marriage and family healing: talk to God about the problem before you confront the person you are frustrated with.

From there, we walk through practical, biblical conflict resolution that actually works in the kitchen table moments. We ask the humbling question Jesus raises in Matthew 7: what is my part in this, and am I trying to remove a speck while ignoring a log? We talk about why anger can function like a warning light, how marriage problems become shared problems because the two are one, and why reconciliation should not be delayed. We also get specific about planning a real “peace conference” instead of trying to fix serious issues on the run, including choosing the right time and place, praying before you talk, and aiming for harmony rather than a win.

We then set clear ground rules for hard conversations from Colossians 3: no spitefulness, no abusive language, no dirty talk, and no lies, because verbal weapons do not heal a relationship. Finally, Philippians 2 pushes us to switch our focus from meeting our own needs to looking out for our spouse’s needs, and we encourage getting wise outside help, including biblically grounded counseling, when you feel stuck in the same rut for months or years. If this strengthened you, subscribe, share it with someone who needs peace at home, and leave a review so more families can find it.

Transcript

Welcome And Series Context

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Foundations of Truth, the Bible teaching ministry of Dr. Timothy Mann. Our mission is to help you build your life on the unshakable foundation of God's Word, rooted in Scripture, anchored in the grace of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Our teacher is Dr. Timothy Mann. Last time on Foundations of Truth, Dr. Timothy Mann started a message on restoring harmony in your home. Today is the second part of that message. And the final message in the series, Home Security, God's Protection Plan for the Family. Here now is Dr. Timothy Mann.

Own Your Part Of The Conflict

Plan A Peace Conference

Ground Rules For Hard Talks

SPEAKER_01 0:32

I have to become a believer, a genuine follower of Jesus. If I'm going to see harmony restored into my home, I have to talk to God about the problem. Talk to God about the problem. That text we read earlier, James chapter 4, verse 2, says, you quarrel and you fight. You do not have because you don't ask God. So what does that mean? That means I have to pray about it. I actually have to pray about it. Look, you need to go, before you go to the other person, you need to ask God. Before you go to the other person, you need to talk to God. That's so important. Asking Him. Often conflict occurs, and this is true. I see it over and over in people's lives. Conflict occurs when we're looking to other people to meet needs that God Himself wants to meet. And that only God Himself can meet. Look, when I'm expecting you to meet all my needs and you don't meet them, do you know what's going to happen? There's going to be conflict. My expectations are not met. I'm going to be disappointed. I'm going to be discouraged. I'm going to be angry about it. When I'm expecting you to meet all my needs and you don't meet them, then there's a problem. We have conflict. God says, you're looking to the wrong person. Look to me. Look to me. I want you to know this morning there is no person in this world that's going to meet all of your needs. There is no right one. There is nobody in the world that's going to meet all your needs. Nobody. Stop looking to them to meet all your needs. God made you so that some of your needs can be met by your husband or by your wife, but many of your needs can only be met by God. And the truth is, when you ask your children, you ask your mate, your husband, your wife to meet all your needs, do you know what you're doing, basically? You're asking them to be God for you. That's what you're doing. And that doesn't work. It'll never work. You become a believer, a genuine believer, and then you talk to God about the problem. How do I know? Here's a good diagnostic question. How do I know when I'm looking to someone else, to my wife, to my children, to a friend? How do I know when I'm looking to someone else to meet my needs when I should be looking to God to have them met? Well, there's a warning light that goes off in my life. And that warning light, it's a red flag called anger. Anger is a warning light that I'm asking other people to meet needs that maybe God is the only one who can meet. I'm sure of this. I'm expecting someone else to meet my needs, and then I get angry with them when they're not met. See, the problem is this the implication of James chapter 4, verses 1 and 2, and I don't even, I'm not even getting into chapter the second part there in verse 3. You don't have what you desire because you don't desire God. If you desire God, you'd have what you want. You'd have what you need. Because he would fill that need. If you truly desire God, and you find your contentment in him, in your relationship with Jesus Christ, what is the source of conflict? You need to talk to God about the problem. Maybe something in you needs to change. Well, that really brings us to the third principle here that we're talking about restoring harmony into the home. I have to become a believer. I need to talk to God about the problem. But let's let's let's do this thirdly. Analyze the problem. Analyze the problem. I need to, you need to ask yourself, how much of this is my fault? How much is my fault? Now that takes some humility. You've got to swallow your ego, you've got to put down the pride and say, How much is my fault? Before you attack, before you accuse, before you uh uh blame, check yourself out. Matthew chapter 7, I actually referenced it in my prayer earlier. Matthew chapter 7, verse 3, Jesus is speaking there, and he says, This He says, Why do you look at the speck in another's eye and pay no attention to the log sticking out of your own eye? And you know what he said? He said, first, now I'm paraphrasing Jesus here. He said, first, take that telephone pole that's sticking out of your eye, get rid of that, and then you'll be able to see well enough to take the speck that's out of your brother's eye. What's Jesus saying? He's saying, before you go around worrying about the speck of sawdust in your husband's eye, the speck of sawdust in your wife's eye, then why don't you get that telephone pole out of your own eye? Ask. Let me put it more gently. Ask. Am I part of the problem? Am I oversensitive? Am I insensitive? Am I too demanding? Am I unrealistic? Am I ungrateful? You know what I've discovered? Again, this is just anecdotal kind of anecdotal experience as a pastor. I think we fight over the stupidest things sometimes just because we're too demanding and too insensitive to each other. Analyze the problem. What is the issue? Am I the problem? Here is a very important verse. 1 John 1.8 says this. If we say we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we say we have not sinned, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. So the person who says, It's all your fault, I'm perfect, the Bible says, We're deceiving ourselves. Listen, if you are, if you're married, and maybe you're not married anymore, maybe you were at one time, and you discovered this though. If you're married, in marriage, there is no there are no such things as individual problems in marriage. There's not. The Bible says if you're married, then the two are what? One. And so if you're married, it's our problem. Whatever's happening, it's our problem. There are no individual problems in marriage. I'm to be concerned about my wife's problems that she is facing, and she is to be concerned about my problems that I'm facing. We're supposed to actually watch out for each other. We're supposed to pray for each other. We're supposed to encourage each other. We have mutual problems in marriage. And so, if you're concerned about restoring harmony back into your home, really analyze the problem. See where your part is in this. Here's a fourth step or a fourth principle. Schedule a peace conference. Schedule a peace conference. You need to sit down. You need a face the issues meeting. And usually it takes more than one. Conflict is seldom resolved accidentally. It has to be deliberate. It has to be intentional. You must plan it. You must schedule it. Conflict is never resolved on the run. You've got to sit down and do something about it. Now, I used to avoid this. I'm still not crazy about it. But you know what I've learned? I've learned over the years that the only way to resolve a conflict is to face it. Matthew changed. And it's not to be right, to prove your point, to go to battle. It's not about creating more conflict. It's about resolving a conflict. And resolving a conflict doesn't necessarily mean I win. That's not the point. The point is is harmony in your relationship. And listen, if the only way you can have harmony in your relationship is if you're right all the time and you win all the time, you need to repent. You need to change a heart. That's not what marriage is about. That's not what a home life is about. Matthew chapter 5, verses 22 and 23 and 24, Jesus said it this way. He said, if you're, and I talked about this last Sunday night on Facebook, it said, if your brother, if you remember your brother or someone has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and go at once to them and make peace. Make peace. And then come back and offer your gift to God. So if you're sitting in church and you're starting, they're starting to do a prayer or sing a song or whatever it might be, and you all of a sudden you realize you've got this unresolved conflict. He says, get that right first. You can't worship with unresolved conflict if you can't make peace with that person. You can't worship when you know somebody is at war with you in their heart, or you're at war with somebody in your heart, especially your spouse. Have you ever had that argument in the car on the way to church? That happens sometimes. And you know what the Bible says? Even with that, it says, go make it right. Don't delay. Take the initiative. If you've got something against them or they have something against you, Jesus says, don't ignore it. You know, it's even part of our church covenant. It's not just a part of God's word, which it which it is. But when a person becomes a covenant member in Providence Church, our church covenant says that we're going to commit to being slow to take offense and mindful of the scriptural guidelines to secure reconciliation without delay. That's what it means to be a Christian. Certainly what it means to be a Christian, husband and wife. I really don't have time to mine it this morning, but 1 Peter says that disharmony between a husband and wife actually hinders your prayers. When there's conflict between husband and wife, it hinders your prayers. Some of you right now in your home, you're praying for something to happen and you don't understand why your prayers aren't being answered. Maybe it's because your relationship with your husband and wife is not what it ought to be. It's because you're mistreating your wife, it's because you're out of harmony with your husband. The Bible says that our marital problems, our marital relations can hinder our prayers if there's conflict. So take the time, take the right time. Take the right time to do it. Now there's a wrong time to have a uh to try to issue conflict resolution. There's a wrong time. The best time is when you're at your best. Choose the right place where you can be undistracted. Turn off your cell phone, put it away, turn off the TV, put away the computer, get away from the kids. Let me tell you something else I've learned through the years. Don't have a conflict resolution discussion in bed. That does not work well. Don't do it. Maybe pray before your meeting. And have a positive attitude. The attitude of, hey, let's work on the problem. Let's work on a solution. Fix the problem, not the blame. Okay? Come ready to resolve. Come ready to compromise. Come ready to reconcile, to get a win-win. Well, that takes me to another point about restoring harmony in your home, in a relationship. Number five is this you have to establish ground rules. Establish ground rules. You know, the treaties that the United States and Russia actually have to ban certain different weapons aren't because we're in perfect agreement with Russia. We still have major philosophical, moral, and governmental differences. But even though we disagree on all of that, we actually can agree to not use certain weapons on each other because we'll destroy each other. The same is true in marriage. The same is true in a relationship of any kind. Even though you may have had some major disagreements. Let me tell you, you have to eliminate those deadly verbal weapons from your marriage that will do more harm than will fix the problem. Let me give you an example. Colossians chapter 3, verse 8. You can look these scriptures up later on your own. Colossians chapter 3, verse 8 says this. You must give up these things. Are you ready? Being bad-tempered, spitefulness, abusive language, and dirty talk, and never tell each other lies. You must give up these things, being bad-tempered, spitefulness, abusive language, and dirty talk, and never tell each other lies. These are some great ground rules. Right here. You attack the issue, not each other. You fix, again, you fix the problem, not the blame. You actually can argue without assassinating. That's possible. You actually can disagree without being disagreeable. You have to say there's certain things that are going to be off limits. And listen, those of you who are married, never use the threat of divorce as leverage in an argument. You've got to give up being bad-tempered. That's what the Word of God says. What does that mean? That means having a short fuse, being impatient, yelling or screaming at your mate. Don't do that. I regret every time I've ever raised my voice to my wife. And I have done that in the past. It's a terrible thing to do. Look, you've got to give up spitefulness. What is that? What's spitefulness? You know what it is. That's pushing your spouse's hot buttons when you know what it will do to them. Because we know each other very well, and you know what will push your spouse over the edge. There's certain things you can say, there's certain things you can do or topics that you can bring up that are their hot buttons. That's spitefulness. The Holy Spirit of God says, stop it. That's spitefulness. When you do that intentionally, you're being spiteful. Hitting below the belt. You've got to give up abusive language and dirty talk. What does that mean? That means don't use a foul mouth when you argue, when you have conflict. Don't throw in those obscenities. And by the way, if you're a man who does that, I want to say to you this morning, it takes a little man to belittle his wife. It takes a little man to belittle his wife. Some of you men, and God knows, you talk to your how you talk to your wife when you're angry. I absolutely have no respect for a man who will do that to his wife. The Bible says every word, think about this. Jesus taught this. He said, every word we will give an account of. Every careless word. The reality is, is you need to stop. You need to stop it. You need to ask your wife to forgive you, and you need to ask your kids to forgive you because it takes a little man to be little. His wife.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

If you'd like to give a gift, you can do so now. Firm dash foundations.org. Now back to today's message: restoring harmony to your home. Let's return to Dr. Timothy Mann.

Switch From Me To Us

Get Wise Help When Stuck

Make Peace With God First

SPEAKER_01 17:13

Here's the sixth one. You've got to switch your focus. Switch your focus if you're going to restore harmony to your home, to your marriage. What does that mean? Well, you switch your focus from meeting your own needs to meeting her needs or his needs. Philippians chapter 2, verses 3 through 5. This is a powerful picture in Philippians chapter 2 of what a Christian ought to be like, of what a Christian's attitude is to be, having the mind of Christ. Philippians chapter 2, verses 3 through 5, it's very direct. It says this don't be selfish. Which, by the way, is the source of all conflict. I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it. When in reality is, we both need to grow up. It says, don't be selfish. Don't just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others too. Your attitude should be like Christ. You should have the mind of Christ, who, though he was God, did not demand and cling to his rights. It's interesting that word in the original Greek language that says look after the interests of others as well, it truly means pay attention. It means to look out for, be aware of your spouse's needs. You switch your focus. See, when I'm angry, I'm preoccupied with myself. All I can see is my hurts, my needs, my wants, my goals. And the problem is, is you're standing in the way of it. You're in my way. Anger is self-centered most of the time. I need to say, what are her needs? What does he need right now? How can I meet them? And I'm going to tell you what. When you meet the needs of your mate, when you need to meet the needs of your wife, when you meet the needs of your husband, you actually bless yourself because, again, the Bible says the two are what? One. The two are one. I think a phrase that you can use to reduce the level of tension and anger in your family is this. I'm sorry. I was only thinking of myself. And when your spouse wakes up from feigning, then you can get on with the real issue. When you actually say that. Here's the last one. And we're going to wrap it up. Ask for advice. If you really want to restore harmony in your home, all of these things I've talked about starts with becoming a genuine follower of Jesus Christ. And then build with these others and then ask for advice. If you're in a relationship, a marriage, and you've got a problem and it's gone on for months or even years, and you bring it up and you go around and around and then you pack it away for a while, it means you're not resolving it. You're not making any progress. I would suggest to you you're not sticking with it long enough. What do you do when you get stuck in a rut? Well, you go get some help. You go get some help. I was several years ago, it's been a long time now. I was out deer hunting in North Carolina and the field was soft. I got my truck stuck. I tried every way in the world to get that thing out of there. I couldn't do it. I was stuck. I dug a deeper rut. The more I tried to keep doing the same thing to get out, dug a deeper rut. I had to go get some help. I had to go get somebody to get me out of that rut. It's okay to do that. Ask for some help. Get some advice. Proverbs 1532. Listen, Proverbs 15.32 says, conceited people don't like to be corrected. They never ask for advice from those who are wiser. Conceited people don't like to be corrected. They never ask for advice from those who are wiser. Get some help. In every other area of life, we're not afraid to get help. It makes sense to find someone who is maybe a skilled professional in marriage problems. Find a Christian counselor who holds a value system and bases their philosophy and teaching and training on God's word and uses scriptural principles. They can help you out. Sometimes you need a third party. Baseball does it all the time. Arbitration, right? You have to bring somebody in and ask how can we resolve this conflict? What am I missing? Where are my blind spots? Where are my spouse's blind spots? Use professional help and develop. Some healthy patterns. We have that available here. You can call the church office and we can connect you with our biblically trained and certified counselor or pastoral help as well. Some of you are thinking, I don't need this, I don't need any counsel. Who do you think I am? Well, I think you're chicken. That's what I think. I think you're chicken. I think you're afraid to face facts. I think you're scared to get help. The fact is, you cannot solve the situation on your own. You may need help. Or you may have a cool exterior and you may think you've got everybody fooled. But who do you think you're kidding, really? God? You're not kidding him. He knows exactly what's happening. And you know what it takes? It takes courage and it takes maturity to find somebody who's gone through it. Or maybe someone you can share with a friend who's gone through it, who's a mature Christian, or to get professional help to help you out. It takes courage, it takes maturity. And the issue, the bottom line comes down to this. Do I want to have a satisfying marriage or just pretend that I've got one? I can't pretend that I've got one and get help at the same time. It's an issue. So let me summarize. I think, and this is true, it's more rewarding to resolve a conflict than it is to dissolve a relationship. It's more rewarding to resolve a conflict than it is to dissolve a relationship. Look, it's easy to walk out. It is so easy to walk out. But you know what I've discovered happens? The pain, it lingers on, and the problems that it creates are enormous. I believe these seven principles will work. But you've got to start at number one. Some of you may not really have settled that issue about your relationship with God. You may be religious, but I'm not talking about religion. You may have gone to church, but I'm not talking about church. I'm talking about a genuine relationship with God the Father through the Lord Jesus Christ, being indwelt by the Holy Spirit and seeking Christ as my Lord and following his word. The Bible says that as long as I want to be number one in my own life, as long as I want to call the shots without God's input, without him being first place in my life and living the way that he wants me to live, there will be conflict. Not only with him, but with other people. Make peace with God today so that you can have peace with yourself. I promise you, the tension level will be reduced, and you'll start having more peace with others. If Christ is number one in my life and number one in my spouse's life, then the conflict is going to reduce dramatically. Harmony can be restored to your home by God's grace, with his help, and for his glory.

SPEAKER_00 25:34

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