Varla Jean Merman on Fire Island: Drag Drama, Chaos & Queer Nightlife

Hey Gurl — it’s me, Daniel Nardicio, coming to you from our “studio” (aka the storage unit) at the Ice Palace on Fire Island with my brother and partner in crime, Adam Klesh. And this week on Trigger Warning, we are joined by the one and only Varla Jean Merman ahead of her first Fire Island performance and the finale of her show The Drowsy Chappell Roan.

And yes… it gets unhinged.

We go there- and I mean all over the place. We talk about everything from Provincetown madness to the brilliance of Dina Martina. And Varla shares a story about meeting Chappell Roan’s gay uncle in Wilton Manners.

This episode is messy, opinionated, and very Fire Island. If you love drag legends, nightlife gossip, queer pop culture, and strong takes — welcome home.

Subscribe, leave a review, and come get triggered with us.

@triggerwaringnyc

@redeye_ny

@pridehousemedia

Write to us at: Questions@TriggerWarningPod.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:05

What happens when you let Enfant Terrible, now just terrible, Daniel Nardicho, off his leash to say and do whatever he wants? The man who has offended everyone is back.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Along with my brother from another mother, Adam Klesh, we're back with our latest creation, Trigger Warning, a podcast that is not for the faint of heart. Prepare to be offended, enlightened, and highly entertained. Trigger Warning is not a safe space podcast, but answers the questions no one wants to ask. Serves deep in vodka and a dash of bitter.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Each week we'll bring you the highest and lowest in NYC nightlife. So buckle up. You've been warned.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

All right, you guys. My name is Daniel Nardiccio, and I'm Adam Clash. And you're listening to Trigger Warning. We're putting the Y in DIY today. You like that? That's all right. Uh, because these guys, these numbnuts here, are uh have literally set up this whole studio. I love the man in the face fuck mask by Adidas calls me a num nut. It's my it's my sneaker mask. So I bought this sneaker mask. You can be telephony nuts numb when you're wearing that mask. And you're numbnuts, exactly. Um they are when I'm finished with them. No, I think this always makes me think of our secure our ex-security guard. We eventually got rid of him, Dave. Do you remember me, Dave? Yeah, yeah. I fired him last week. No, no, no, no. Uh, this was years ago, Dave. He showed up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I re-fired him. And he you would walk by him, he'd go, Can I suck you dry? Oh. As you'd walk by him, he'd say that to you all the time, and it always made me laugh. So I got the sneaker mask in honor of Dave, um, who's now unemployed, I guess. So I guess I'll let him. No, I'm kidding. Uh, yeah, anyway, but I I love this. Do you like this?

SPEAKER_01 1:51

There's something very like upside down stranger things goes to the gym.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

It reminds me of um years ago, I started this um social media site called D-List. D-List.com. You actually did that on beat. It's perfect. D-List.com. And I'll never forget one of the guys uh was joined it, wrote me an email, and he goes, I'm in Amsterdam, and you'll remind me of me. I am also an old party goat.

SPEAKER_01 2:16

I will give away a free trip to Fire Island if any listener andor watcher can guess which four accents you went in and out of there.

SPEAKER_00 2:25

An old party goat. No, I know that was a little bit, yeah, that was I that was a mixture of a lot of party goat. Um, no, it's very bizarre, but I can't wear this that long, but I do love wearing it. I'm I love walking in. You can't even tell your laptop's about to go to sleep where the ice palace, and I love walking in there with this on, and the staff is like mortified. I'm mortified. Oh my god. And then the answer's always I was literally going for any button that'll work this. I'm probably gonna take this off now, but I boo. There we go.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Oh, there you are. Oh god, I didn't know who was sucking my dick. Oh god, man.

SPEAKER_00 3:06

That was you you never know who's sucking my dick. I've seen some of the dreams.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Now though, I mean I I have to do some repairs up in the ice palace. Our dark room is not so dark. I know. We have a dark room?

SPEAKER_00 3:18

No.

SPEAKER_01 3:19

We have a meet and greet section. Don't talk about it. We have a meet and greet section. With a meet and greet section, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

Where we do the where our guests are. Well there's nobody like a lady of the evening, like with a busted busted laying out on the sofa. I'm really um, this has been a really interesting month. You're not much of a TV watcher. Uh I watch good TV. The comeback?

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Oh, amazing. But did you watch the last season? Uh the one that's because they're like a decade apart. So the most recent season. Yeah, yeah. I'm episode two.

SPEAKER_03 3:50

Not a fan. Not a fan?

SPEAKER_00 3:52

I'm not a fan of this season. I think that I think it it it doesn't it doesn't work for me. You know what I am a fan of?

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Talk about latest seasons? Fucking hacks.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

No, because I had planned it, because the comeback and hacks, I said those are the two new shows that come back after the Lori fucking Metcalf.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

My God. As Weed. Lori, Lori, if you're a watcher or the listener, uh, I'll suck her dry. I'll suck her dry. Well, now we're never gonna get her. No, she's never never gonna get her. She's trying to give her a nice invitation to come on the book.

SPEAKER_00 4:28

I would love Lori Metcalf. Oh, wouldn't that be great? When she when weed comes back, weed's her character on the show. When weed comes back, and when they go to like Madison, not Madison Square Garden. Yeah. No, no, they went to the Central Park. Central Park, yes, yeah. And and Weed walks into the thing. As she's walking over, the face that she makes is like like she makes this crazy fucking thing. She's so in character, she really is one of the greatest actors.

SPEAKER_01 4:53

You know, Deborah, after you let me go. It was a dark couple of years.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

I actually want to watch it again, just as he reads. So she takes the whole thing. She really just still, yes, yeah. She still that I mean that last episode of Hacks, as far as I'm concerned, is one of the best last episodes of television in years. Comeback, I'm sorry, I love Lisa Coudreau. But that whole Dan Bukatinski set sideline thing, which he's in everything cool, he's also in Hacks, but like he I didn't understand the whole thing about him like wanting to be famous all of a sudden. So I just thought Are you watching the new Dan Levy thing? Um I watched it. What's it called? Um because Lori Metcalf's in it as well. His uh, yeah, she plays, yeah, totally. Um he is uh abducted by the mob and they have to like.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

Yeah, he's a he's a priest. I can't remember the name of it. Oh, god, you know me. Anywho, she plays this self-absorbed mom who's a politician. Yeah, and she's genius in that. She's great. Lori Laurie Metcalf. If you're not a Laurie Metcalf fan, um you're you're shit.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

But I will say this, and this is very perscapaus of me. Is that your word this week? Might as well be. Perscapacious is like seeing forward. Years ago, I remember seeing her in something and being like, that woman is going to be one of the known as one of the greatest actors. Was it Roseanne? No, I mean she was good in Roseanne, but I saw her something after Roseanne. Kind of like when you saw Gene Smart and you saw her career, you started to go, wait a minute.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

Girl, I was not alive when I saw Jean Smart building her career. That's a you thing.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Well, yeah, but you there were designing women's always in reruns. You're gonna see it at some point. It's not a good show. I don't think I was like 11. Yeah, you when I was 11-year-old, I'd be watching, I was watching Bewitched. Yeah, in black and white television. Yeah, that it is true, actually. Yeah, I know. Um, but anyway, it was very perscapa of me because I would say you know what that means to seeing forward, yeah. Um, but anyway, you uh were here on Fire Island. Uh the uh the the week the scene of the crime. Last week was Taylor, our business partner's wedding. And everyone was titty litty. It was like lit to the fucking pits.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

It was one of the messiest wedding receptions I've ever seen. Not in the sense of like it was put together, there was all this other stuff, but like everyone decided that, like, oh, it's Taylor's wedding. Let's get shit canned. It was crazy. And and it was chaos. People were on like sleeping pills and weed and wine, and I mean, it was I said to Taylor at like I think it might have been like 1215 in the afternoon, and guests were arriving at like 1.30 or two, and I was like, hey girl, looked at the weather report. Um, it's gonna exceed 35 miles per hour wind. We might want to move this inside. He goes, No, no, it's happening outside, it's gonna be great. Whatever. Girl, it was like in the middle of a hurricane.

SPEAKER_00 7:51

People were wearing bed sheets and quilts. These poor girls were in dresses, and I was wearing a suit, and my knuckles were so cold I had to go inside at some point. It was crazy that he uh that's Taylor though, for you. He loves chaos. It was chaos. Oh, it was the most Taylor Schubert wedding in the world. It was chaos. But it was great once we got inside. It was. What was my favorite moment? Sam Sam's reprisal of hold on.

SPEAKER_01 8:17

Actually, you know what?

SPEAKER_00 8:19

Uh, Josh, can we cut to a video right now? We have a video of it. He's gonna play it for us and uh while we're chatting here because Alright, so we're about to watch Sam at Taylor's uh wedding. Sam Gibbs gives Elaine. What's her last name from Seinfeld? Uh Elaine Bennis. That's Sam's dance moves when he does when he gets drunk. He does that little foot thing where she's trying to walk and she can't walk out of the yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

This is his reprisal of his own wedding at Taylor Schubert in Blue. And he does a lot of pointing people, like you better hold on. If you've ever seen like a good 80s rock band not sweeping the whole crowd, but he looks good and youthful before, right before there's this old troll that walks into the camera.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Is it me? I don't know why that song now has become the official wedding song.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Sam gave you Sam gave you turn about it.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

He gave you he was giving you that like the forceful like finger pointing at people, like, you better hold on. You better hold on. He was a donut shy of Carney. Yeah, totally. Absolutely, absolutely. I mean, it was right there. So we and and then after that, it was like all Dean and Martino. There were so many different things that went on. But then, well, Dean it was the week before, but then now we're heading into tonight. Our guest, who's coming up in just a little while, is going to be performing, which is great. We get to capture him for a few minutes to talk about what triggers them. I'm so excited. We have so many shows coming up at the Ice Palace. Uh in just two weeks, we have Ultranate and Anaya Day with Bill Coleman. Bill Coleman and Shakwita. And Shaquita. Yeah, and Shaquita for Juneteenth.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Alaska. What should be the real uh celebration of this country? You know, when everyone was free. Absolutely. July 4th is horseshit, but we're gonna have a wrestling match on the front lawn of the White House. Let's celebrate 250 years as a nation. Let's have a bunch of fucking ogres beat the shit out of each other. I paid so little attention to it. Literally, there was this meme that I posted, and it was like, what a meth house looks like, and it was just the White House with the rubble of the ballroom and like a trampoline porch in front.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Girl, I know from I know from meth houses. And you know why. Because you found meth in your house. I found meth in my house. Yeah, I was away. I went to New Orleans last week to uh sell my apartment, and I had a friend who's got a problem, drug problem, stay in my apartment. I had to ask for the key back because I found a bag of meth. I think we just think it's a problem.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

I think he's doing all right with it. Sure. He still has some teeth.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

He's doing all they're all fighting to be first. He has some teeth. No, he's a good-looking kid still, but I'm telling you, man, he's not, it's not gonna last. It's not gonna end well. And I had to like be like, get out, you gotta go. I can't have this shit in my life anymore.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

Like, it's and I love when you told me you're like, listen, it's okay. I'm gonna let stay in my house. Um, and I told him, like, you can't have anyone over, you can't do drugs in the house. And I looked you dead in the eye and I was like, sure, girl.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

Girl, it was a mess up in there. It was a mess up in there when I got there. I came back from New Orleans and I was like, and then Taylor's wedding, which trade to Taylor's wedding, and then I went home and I was like, finally, and get in my apartment. And then I walked in. I was like, oh my God, never again. I'm learning to say no in my 50s. The tail, tail, all right, you said it's a tail end of my 50s.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

You said it.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Um but speaking of traveling, uh, what's happening next week? We both go to Zipolite. Zipolite. Very excited about that. We're going back down to Zipolite for just a couple days, uh, which is so thrilling. Yeah, yeah, like 60 hours. And we're going to go to Cheese May and Wag our dicks around.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

We're going to go to our Cheers of Mexico.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

But they now have a cold plunge like at where they put like 20 bags of ice and in water in a pool because it's a bigger one. So they'll both look like this. They're going to shrink to that. I thought this was nine inches. No, I'm excited about it. I'm excited. But Cheese May's not closed Tuesday, Wednesday, so I don't know what's going to happen. We're going to have to figure out when we can go. Oh, we'll just climb the fence. Yeah, we'll just climb the fence. Exactly. We don't really care if anyone else is there anyway.

SPEAKER_01 12:22

Give me that leftover bag of meth. I'm getting in. Who wants to have a naked party? Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 12:29

Well, uh, we're going to be back in just a few moments. We have uh coming up in just about uh 10-15 minutes, we have the uh incredible of our legine murder. Yeah, she's doing her show tonight. She's doing her show tonight. It's called the uh The Drowsy Chapel Road Rome. The drowsy room nailed it. Yeah, totally. That was so great. Nailed it. All right, we'll be right back in just a moment. Can you imagine? Um, no, but anyway, that's basically my life in a nutshell. We just get ready for five. Finally, last night, I felt like the underwear party clicked. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Which is gonna be part of my uh 25 long years.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

No, the underwear party finally clicked.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

It's been so cold.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

Yeah, it's been you know what I noticed? I was looking at it's funny because I do this weird stuff that uh the rest of our business partners don't do, is I look at like the numbers, and then I look at like the weather, and then I look at like the temperature and the precipitation. And you want to know something funny? We fucking smashed it uh at the Ice Palace last May, and it was pissing rain. But you know what? It was always over like 60 degrees. It was always like warm-ish and raining. It's been cold. Those fucking faggots, I love them, but shitty shit faggots, as Sophia would say. They won't come out in the cold.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

They won't come out in the cold. I don't blame them, though. It's like it's cold. Why would you want to get in your underwear? Why would you think about getting your underwear when it's like 55 degrees outside? You wouldn't think I wouldn't think.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

Because I want more stories at 80 than regrets.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

I'm always thinking about getting into my underwear and smashing myself into a room of men. But I always think like, well, yeah, but they also think, well, no one's gonna go, so why would I go?

SPEAKER_01 14:02

But I I just sort of think like Do you think anyone on Fire Island actually thinks no one's gonna go to the underwear party? They think no one's gonna go to the underwear party ripoff at pavilion. Oh, that's right, they're doing a rip-off again. Somebody asked me if they're like so so what do you think bare minimum suggests? And I was like, what's to be expected? Or attendance. Yeah, exactly. The bare minimum. The attendance. It was like this guy with his pants pulled down, showing like a thonggy underwear called bare minimum. It's a hard one. I'm like, what's this about? And I was like terrible name to be expected.

SPEAKER_00 14:32

They're just so uncreative, which is gonna be my trigger, so I don't want to give it away too much right now because that's basically.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

Or did we just do our triggers right now? So much to talk about on triggers. No, it's fine. You're actually getting like an original season one episode of you and I just like shooting the shit in and shooting the shit, which we were told by we've got one listener, one watcher, and we have a reviewer. Well, I have a couple watchers. You have a couple watchers? Is that why there's shitty gingham over the windows?

SPEAKER_00 14:59

This little apartment is a dot total dump. We have turned this storage unit out. Yeah, no, totally. This is a little up to B. Arthur. It's a little secret apartment in the back of the Ice Palace that nobody really nobody knows about. I've been here 20, 20 years before I knew about this apartment.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

I need more fingers and toes to count on how many people actually know about it because I've come a knock-in and you're like, just a minute.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

They find out about it, but usually I blindfold them or I put them in the sneak, might put him in my sneaker mask and I walk them here. I say Don't put it on. It's a real surprise. It's a real surprise. A hard stomach and a noodle dick.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

I've mixed up my shots again, but please enter.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

You cover everything, all the just handkerchiefs onkerchiefs on everything. Yeah, exactly. Come on, I mixed up. There's like a vitrola to the sneaker. You're winding a vitrola up. Can I suck you dry? I know it's so gross. It's so gross.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

That's like I still have his babies in me.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Oh, that is the worst thing that anyone can say. I can't stand that. Yeah, it's disgusting. I don't I like men for a reason. And by the way, last night there were some real men's.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Girl.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

There were some real men's last night at the end of our party. I was really impressed.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

If you thought it was too cold last night or you're worried about the rain, like just stay inside, become a nun, stay single forever. The tushies that were Thompson pro dumpers. Real pro dumpers.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

These kids, I don't understand. Are they like j uh squats?

SPEAKER_01 16:29

Are they squats? Squats. Really? Squats. Remember when you go to Mexico? Like, you don't do it now, but like in Mexico, oh, sorry. You take all your morning meetings, like in a deep squat. Yeah, they have to. These kids are squatting. They're squatting. And the booties on the boys were banging.

SPEAKER_00 16:45

I'm gonna get back to that though. That's sort of like what I'm gonna be doing now for the next couple months. I've decided I'm gonna get back into it. Because it was a I watched this YouTube video in Isabelite when I was there. This guy who was talking about like your hips and stuff like that. And so he basically you just get into a deep squat and you kind of like I because of balance, I have to like, you know, do it by a table so I can hold on to it. And you just because you but you want to fall back because your heels, you know, don't want to break a hip. Yeah, no, you try it. Try it. It's not easy.

SPEAKER_01 17:12

I don't think I could do it right now. Should I try it right now?

SPEAKER_00 17:14

Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_01 17:15

I don't think I have enough room.

SPEAKER_00 17:15

No, I don't think you do.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

No, I don't have enough room.

SPEAKER_00 17:17

We'll do it. We'll do it during the break. Um I'm doing it in my mind. You do it and you basically you have to because or you put something under your heels. Okay. Yeah, but I just put like a couple books. You know, books are these things. Wait, let me think for a second. Books are these things that people like they read reading is um Quasimoto, you are ugly. What was it? It oh my god. Our guest today. I listened, our guest today was on a podcast recently and told the most fucking crazy story where they were doing a tour with Sherry Vine, Jackie Beat, and um Coco Peru, the two of whom have been on our podcast. One I will never have on this podcast. Quasimoto. No, that's Jackie Beat is Quasimoto. Yeah, that's no, no, no, no. Jackie Beat is Quasimoto. No, Jackie Beat. No, it's Quasimoto. And Sherry Vine. I know, right? Patty LePoun's here. Sherry is uh, we love Sherry. She's doing a show like the 16th and on on the um at Red Eye, actually, Sherry, uh called Dirty Blonde. Love Sherry Vine. Coco Peru loved her. Love great podcast. Anyway, our guest, our esteemed guest who's gonna be on in just a couple moments, she one of her numbers was uh as Quasimodo, and she sent to the song I think ring my bell. And the lighting guy in this town at this theater they were doing it refused to do it because he said it was making fun of people who were um Down syndrome people, and he that he actually quit the show because he refused to do it. Thought it was making it was ableist, as they say. But Quasimoto is a Disney character, and that is how far we've gone in this world of crazy.

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Quasimoto is from a French novel way before Disney. Way before Disney. You know, that deserves a because you just knew that that deserves a Esmeralda and Quasimoto, and it's a it's a talk about sanctuary and the uh the the troubles between the church and the French monarchy and whatnot. This is long ago long ago.

SPEAKER_00 19:34

I always forget you're smart. Most of the time. I really do. I always forget you're smart.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Yeah. And I I mean, I'm not gonna say I'm correct on this, but there's it's actually from the Latin where it's like quasi-modo, so it's like partially abled, like motor.

SPEAKER_00 19:51

Um, quasi-modo, yeah. It's like partially motoring, yeah. Mobile, yeah, basically. Well, that we figured out. We got to the bottom of that.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

And as Merelda is a Romanian who they call a gypsy, which Traeger, you're not allowed to anymore. You can't say gypsy. But Disney may be a good one. You can't say gypsy anymore. This mother No, you can't say gypsy. Yeah, but Lady Gaga's song gypsy. You can say Tinkerer.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

Tinkerer? Yeah, there's Tinkers. Did I ever tell you about that little person that worked in the Pines, Joey Novato, that little gross little guy? Did you ever tell you about that? You may have mentioned him once or twice. So years ago, there was this odious little creature. This was sorry, that's my camera. Hi guys. There was can I suck you dry? No, there was this odious little creature who worked in the pines named Joey N. Let's just call him that as if we're an AA. Joey N. Um, just an awful person. And he was awful. He was a nasty little creature. But anyway, yet I digress. And what and all of a sudden I put something on Facebook and he kind of came for me. And I wrote, Shouldn't you be up in a tree making cookies? Keybler elf's the real fudge cracker. And then he was like, But I, you know, you can't talk to me. I'm like, at the entertainment director of the Pines. I said, What do you do? You go down to the harbor and tell uh PJ when the plane's coming in. It was awful. It was not my finest moment. I'm gonna admit it was not my finest moment, but the show is called Trigger Warning. So if this bothers you, please call it a professional.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

You know what? We're in our help. We're in like, I don't know where we are. We're lost in somewhere like season three and a half. And you know what? I'm I'm starting to be okay with this show triggering people.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

Yeah, totally. And then so far it's not really bothered anyone. Because you know what I know? Because there's one listener.

SPEAKER_01 21:35

I know we're good, I know we're good people, I know we're doing good things for our community, I know our producer's a good person. And so when we get pissed off about something, you're probably shitty.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

But also, I'm telling these stories now. I'm I'm at this point in my life where I'm telling these stories and I'm sometimes explaining they were not my proudest moments. Okay. Making fun of a little person is not a good thing. But the moral of the story is. That little Kebler elf wrote, um wrote, I just then I started making all these jokes, like I'm sorry, I shouldn't be punching down, and then I would just I just went off on this funny little riff. It was very funny, it was very inappropriate, and then he reported me to some organization for little people because in some ways, I guess he thought I was like, you know, be a rope, they wrote me and said, you know, you know as a The Porg police. Did he did he report you to the porg police? Yes, that was the part of the story about people. And that's when they told me that it was no longer called Little People, but it is now called people of restricted growth. And I'm willing to accept that, although I really do want to make a little person Porgy and Best called Porg and Bess. Just like little people Porg and Bess. Porg and belittled. He uh he ended up the last I heard of that little annoying character, he was in LA with Aaron Schock. You should call it Porg and Less. Leave the jokes to me. What about Porg and Beans? Like that would be like a cute little duo drop uh like cop show, Porg and Beans. Like his name, he's Porg, and he's a little guy, and she's beans, and she has gas. And they like are together, they fight crime. I don't know. I'm just thinking it through here. Um, which is no, I'm just looking at the rails we've gone off of. The rails you've been doing of the fucking yeah, anyway. All right, you guys, you've been we've you've eviscerated 45 minutes of your life listening to this bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

We you know what it's been three and a half seasons where Josh hasn't cut a single thing out. No, even though we're gonna put him through the railroad.

SPEAKER_00 23:34

Josh will actually fix half of this in post. So let's go get our guests. I'm so excited about her. I uh I've so excited about her. I actually wrote an intro. Did you? I wrote an intro. Well, chat GPT. No, I didn't. I wrote an intro. We'll be back in just a few moments with Vene Merman. Yeah, they can't wait for it.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

Don't touch my boy.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Our guest today survives show business, bad wigs, questionable cocktails, several economic recessions, hurricane Katrina, and countless standing ovations. She's one of the funniest performers on the planet and proof that glamour is mostly confidence and good lighting. Please welcome truly the one and only Barla Jean Merman.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

Oh my god, you guys, thank you for having me. I have no idea where we are.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

You're in the storage unit. We're in like my little apartment. It's like the secret apartment in the ice pals. I literally live in a nightclub.

SPEAKER_02 24:31

And it's blood red. I wonder why you painted it that color. Jungle red.

SPEAKER_01 24:37

I called it fill in the blank. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

Yeah, no, my colleague Dina Martinez. She's a colleague.

SPEAKER_01 24:45

How long have you known Dina?

SPEAKER_02 24:46

I've known Dina since she first started coming to Provincetown. I'd never heard heard of her before, and she came, you know, she was a West Coast lady. And uh, she came, I think, in like 2002 or 2003. And but now I put on my makeup and Dina does her show. I know every single word of Dina Martina's show. In fact, some night she'll forget a line and I'll tell her, you forgot the line about when she comes off stage. I do it all the time.

SPEAKER_00 25:08

Now you have that funny video that you made of you guys backstage, which is so fucking funny. I I'm gonna maybe get a copy of it. We'll put we can put it on our original.

SPEAKER_02 25:17

I'll give you a copy.

SPEAKER_00 25:17

Yeah, it's so funny. It made me laugh so hard. I only saw part of it.

SPEAKER_02 25:20

I've known Dina so well that I, you know, and you know, Dina is a little picky. And so I thought, you know, but I knew her so well that she just looked at it and said, yes. And then she just it's so amazing, and I love it because it looks like everything Dina would do, even though I wrote it. But uh it is, it's Dina Martina. I know Dina Martina, so it it's so funny.

SPEAKER_01 25:39

Now, so you met in Province now. Did you meet on that famous baby dike weekend where she talks about the menace of dykes?

SPEAKER_02 25:46

Oh, where I saw something that happened to Dina Martina, which was terrible. She had on this spacesuit. Did she tell you that story? No, she had on a spacesuit, and she used to bark. She doesn't bark anymore. I I haven't in decades. But she um would bark for a show and she came out in this giant um like you know, like astronaut, but you know, like Yeah, like with the visor down. Well, no, it was just a big giant bubble. Yeah, yeah. And some queen came out and smashed it on her head in front of everyone laughing. And I looked at Dina and it was like, oh, it was just terrible. It was like in The Little Rascals when the mother, when when the screen comes up and takes off her dress. Do you know what I'm talking about? Little rascals. Oh, wow, what irrelevant reference before Color TV. I know, but she looks so sad, and we've often talked about that because it was very upsetting to her. Because to see Dina sad is it's just not a good thing. It's very upsetting. Very upsetting. Or when Dina gets angry. I've been there. Been there. We've worked together for about 12 years, yes. It's like that moment in um in misery when when you realize that uh what's her name? Kathy Bates is like really fucked up.

SPEAKER_00 27:01

You know, but it's only it only is worse if you see her horny. Oh, yeah. But she's really when she's cranking one off and she makes you watch. That's really intense for me. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 27:12

I'm gonna need something to sleep.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

Now, uh one of my favorite barking, barking, by the way, for our uh viewers who uh aren't in the business, is when you have to go out and hand out flyers in Provincetown for the newbie queens, they make them do that. One of my favorite barking stories was about you because you used to hide behind the bushes and people would go and you'd just go, come to my show.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

Yeah, I would, you know, because people are like people are you know handing you flyers and nobody wants them. So I would just stand in the bush four years. Yeah, for years I would just hide in a bush. And I would just, when people would go, I would just say, come to my shop. And they'd look around, and then they'd finally see me in the bush screaming. It's like unfortunately became a big thing, and then people wanted to get in the bush with me, and they were trampling on landscape, and then they got rid of the bush.

SPEAKER_00 28:00

That's what she told me at DVD.

SPEAKER_02 28:01

For a while, though, I used to also do, I would be like I was doing a tea party, so I'd have a little tea party set up, like a little girl's tea party, but I would be face down, and my manager, Brian, would say, She's getting arrest before the show. I would be face down with just the flyer. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:18

That's really funny. Now, now let's bring you to Fire Island. We're talking about Fire Island because we are on Fire Island. You I asked your uh your assistant Brian, you've done Fire Island before? You've done the ice pounds?

SPEAKER_02 28:28

Never ever performed here. I filmed a video here for one time when I was doing plays in New York with Tweed Theater Company, uh, and we did a uh it was a version of Suddenly Last Summer, and so we filmed a video here on the beach. I think only me too. And I love Tweet, I love Kevin Mahoney. Yeah, amazing. So that was the first time I was here. And in fact, Jeff Whitdy, who uh played who wrote um the book for Avenue Q, played Sebastian. So it was just me in front of his bulge.

SPEAKER_00 28:57

Was Liz Taylor in the film version of Suddenly Last Summer?

SPEAKER_02 28:59

Yes, yes, yes, it did.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

And the gay on the rocks. He used to go-go dance for me, uh, and I have a really Liz Taylor? No, Jeff Whitty, and I have a very lurid story I can tell you about it.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

Oh my god, I want to hear. But do you know, uh, since you you uh uh have a lot of New Orleans history, the entire Suddenly Last Summer, there was a house behind the Bolton Funeral Home, which is now a Whole Foods, uh Fresh Market. But the Bolton Funeral Home that was called Funeral Home.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

Roberson's or Robert's.

SPEAKER_02 29:23

I think it's called Yeah, it's Robert's there or fresh market, but there's a house behind there that has the greenhouse where the entire because Tennessee Williams used to stay there with the Bolton family. Um, and he stayed with them, but then he wrote suddenly last summer, which was about their family. So he was never welcome back. Oh wow, very true McCapody.

SPEAKER_00 29:43

Very true McCapody of him. So uh tonight, from one other thing you Brian told me, uh your assistant, is tonight is the last time you're performing this show, is that correct?

SPEAKER_02 29:53

The very last time.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

And the show is called?

SPEAKER_02 29:55

Uh it's called The Drowsy Chapel Rhone. And the whole thing is about that. I I kind of got obsessed with Chapel Roan after the uh the presidential election because I wanted light and fluffy. And the weirdest thing, I always say a show chooses me because I never know what I'm gonna do. And suddenly I'd start writing a show, and then it all makes sense why I wrote it. Now, in November, right after the election, I was in Starbucks in Wilton Manors, uh Florida, and uh I was way is there another Wilton. Wilton Matters. I hope not. But I was sitting there and I'm listening to Chapel in my head said, I'm thinking the drowsy chapel roan, that's a funny, funny title, but I, you know, I can't really do this song. Uh you know, no one's gonna know that title, the reference, um, just like the little rascals.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

Well, I'm obsessed with the drowsy chaperone on the show. Yes, me too. I have to answer that.

SPEAKER_02 30:44

So I'm there and I'm waiting for my beverage, and there's a guy in a kilt at one o'clock in the afternoon in Wilton Manors, and I hear him say to the Barista, Oh, my niece is doing a Christmas special with Sabrina Carpenter on Friday. And I knew that Chapel Roan was doing that. And I'd heard that Chapel Roan had a gay uncle who lived in Wilton Manors, who's a flight attendant. Uh, did I mention he was gay? And um obviously in the leather. And I say to him, Oh my god, I'm listening to your niece right now, I'm a big fan. And he says to me, She's a big fan of yours. And I was like, What? And he recognized me, but it turns out that he, when Chapel was a little girl, uh, he would show her my old videos on YouTube. It was her uncle. So I'm a groomer. That's the point of the story. Wow, you heard it here.

SPEAKER_01 31:31

First, exactly. I'm looking for children right now. Is he showing her girls will be girls?

SPEAKER_02 31:36

I hope not.

unknown 31:37

No, no.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

So he showed her like old videos of mine. So she, you know, I mean, she's obviously ripped my entire act off, and that's really the point of the show. It shows, it shows. It shows.

SPEAKER_03 31:46

Shame on you, Chapel Roan.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

She's had better luck. I have not seen you perform in years. I actually remember I uh I was so excited I was in New Orleans. I was just sold my apartment last week, but I used to, I was down there and I saw that you were doing a show at like Maggie's or Mag uh Mags. Oh, yes, uh Mags. Mags on the on a Legion. I think it was on Eastern. Yeah, yeah. So I went over to Mags and I was so excited to see it. It was a really fun, cool, you know, very New Orleans, like always lounged. There are places there.

SPEAKER_02 32:16

I just try out material there. So it whatever it was, it got better. It was your comedy seller. It was really fun. Mags was your comedy cellar. Yeah, totally. It was. It was.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

No, it was a really fun show. And I and I unfortunately, because you do Provincetown, I don't really get to see you.

SPEAKER_02 32:28

I don't you, you know, well, that's why I haven't been to Fire Island in 30 years, because I went in 19, I was here in 1993 or 94 to film that video, and I've never been back because I'm always in Provincetown. Do you enjoy Provincetown? I really do. I love it. I mean, I also love to leave, but I love it for those months. I think the people there are amazing. The tourists are unbelievable. I make, you know, a decent salary. And uh it's it's it's fun. I mean, I love being there, but I do by September I'm ready to go. I'm not one of those people who wants to go to Provincetown in the middle of winter and be like the shining. It's not nice. There's so many of them. I know. It's crazy. And they all do math. They become different people. Yeah, no, totally.

SPEAKER_00 33:07

It's very Blair Witch project.

SPEAKER_01 33:09

It's like the American horror story where they're all taking like the black pill, the great writers.

SPEAKER_02 33:14

You're either gonna, you know, you've got to be careful you don't become Jack Nicholson.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

What was it, the Clearview Hotel?

SPEAKER_00 33:20

Was that it? I think. In The Shining. Oh God. Well, I have a funny story because years ago, many years ago now, I was living in New Orleans. I had an apartment, I had a house on Franklin, and I'll never forget this. Someone came up to the house and knocked on the door, and I came and they were like That was the one you lost in Katrina, right? Yes, that's the one I lost in Katrina. Yeah, that was a fucking great house. So right. And and they someone came up and had me, they wanted me to sign a petition. And I looked at the petition and like three, you know, three places away. Like around the corner was your name. Yes, yes. You lived around the corner of St. I live on Rampart in St. Rock. Yeah, yeah, it was at Franklin right by almost at the yeah, almost at St. Rock. Or at uh such a great city. Yeah, it was a great city. It still is a great city. Uh unfortunately, I'm now in Mexico, so I'm the I'm doing building stuff in Mexico, so I had to give up the place. Yeah, no, it's great. It's just getting hot. I keep going hotter and hotter and hotter. I mean, it's like Hell's next, hell. Hannah refuses to put a shawl on. She just goes into hotter climates. But you're now in you're now not in New Orleans, you're in Will Manager.

SPEAKER_02 34:16

I have a house, the same house in New Orleans, and I had these tenants who were so amazing. And I didn't raise the rent because one was a school teacher and one was a a social worker for the city. So seven years. Well, here's the bad part. They finally left and they trashed my house. Thank God they I had cleaning supplies underneath the sink that I just gave them, and they literally everything I had under there was still there. It still had like the heat-sealed wrapper on the table. The entire house was covered with grease. And thank God they never cleaned the shower because they both were dyeing their hair black like every week, and there was so much soap scum, it didn't get into the marble. Thank God. Oh my gosh. Oh my god. Using a credit card.

SPEAKER_00 35:01

I hate being a landlord. No, it's awful. I had a friend who had a place in Orleans and the um and the people that rented the apartment, they just kept throwing the dirty diapers in one room, and eventually it just the floor just fell onto the apartment below because of the dirty diapers. The weight of the dirty diet and the fucking, you know, children. The portal of that story is children suck, don't have kids. Don't have kids. We've said it here many times, and we'll say it again. Don't have kids.

SPEAKER_01 35:25

I like dogs.

SPEAKER_00 35:26

So you drove here from Provincetown and now you're going back tomorrow?

SPEAKER_02 35:29

I'm going back. I could go to Europe. It's a 10-hour drive, isn't it? It's crazy. And it's so many different forms of transportation. It's but you know, I'm going back. I I'm so glad I came to the fairy from Boston. It's so beautiful. I, you know, it just so happens. So I'm I have a really good friend in Wilton Manors who is the head of the firehouse here. And so he he was gonna say, I have all these friends. His name is uh the what is it? Rich. And so he said, I have all these friends are gonna come to your show. And then it turns out the one event they have is the same night of my show. Oh, the fire, the fire department dinner is tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're not coming. Yeah, but that should wrap by showtime. That's a shitty extreme. I love it here. It's a great, it's a really great place. I love it. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

And I have the same problem though with Provincetown. I don't go that often because it's like a train playing an automobile. And you know, I've John coming, John Waters, who's a big Provincetonian.

SPEAKER_02 36:19

He's a colleague.

SPEAKER_00 36:20

Yes, and I uh but to get him is a lot easier because but you know, uh he fly, you know, I actually I found this out when I went to buy his plane ticket. You can fly from Provincetown to Ice Lip, which is like right here for $555. What? I know it's crazy. The the flight, and John was like, no, because it they didn't have first class on one of the legs. It's an air force. The Provincetown, the what is it, uh, Provincetown Air Cape Air to Boston, and then you fly from that to Ice Lip, and it was 550. And I was so excited because normally when I buy John's tickets, it's like you know, it's a lot. And then he's got to go to JFK and get a car, and I was like, this is great, but they were like, no. So um, so anyway, uh, but if just in the future, you should look into that because it's actually really a it's such a quick flight. It's four hours, and he'll pay. And and I'm yeah, I mean, you'll pay. I'll just pay. I pay for everything. I'm paying for you. Um, anyway, I'm so excited about the show tonight. Can I suck you dry? Uh I'm so excited about the show tonight. Um we um we I know you have to get ready. We have to go soon, but I'm gonna put my face on.

SPEAKER_01 37:26

Fucking. It's like when you said this is my daytime love.

SPEAKER_00 37:34

But I thought this was just your day beat, no? I want to quickly tell us I told a story before you came in. We Adam and I were talking the Quasimoto story, where the kid refused to do the lights or the tech person. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Well, uh, you know, and didn't you produce that um Alan Cumming, Liza at Town Hall? Okay, so I was doing it's funny, this is about you. I was doing a um a show about uh all the Disney stuff, and I thought, I want to do Quasimoto. So I'm with Ryan Landry's uh uh husband, Scott. We go to see Liza and um and Alan Cumming, and she goes dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun and I feel Scott poking me, and I was like, oh my god, ring them bells would be amazing as Quasimoto. Anyway, so and I told the story of Quasimoto, but when we did the show in San Francisco, you know, and it's always San Francisco. I know, and you know, I hate to say, you know, sometimes woke is not good. Right. You know, welcome the trigger warning. And so then the the kid who was running the show, I was with Jackie Beat, Sherry Vine, and Coco, and I'm the one that's offensive because I'm yeah, he refused to do the show because I was making fun of Down syndrome people with as Quasimodo. Now look, it was unbelievable. So, yeah, it's just it's a classic piece of literature. And yes, you know, quite in the movies, Quasimodo. You know, if you did not know, maybe you would think that I was making fun of um handicapped people. I wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

There's been classic literature as I said, it's a famous French novel.

SPEAKER_02 39:15

It was a famous French novel. Grandfather didn't excuse me. So I had to cut the number because we couldn't find another sound person. So I had to cut the number.

SPEAKER_01 39:22

That is so crazy.

SPEAKER_02 39:23

And it's a great number.

SPEAKER_01 39:25

Yeah, yeah. Well, if you're the sound and light person listening to this, you're too woke. Fuck off. Yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_02 39:31

Wait a minute. Why does a sound person say, I decide what's in the show? Thank you. Thank you. It was unbelievable. But we we were our hands were tight. There was no one else to work. I said, you know what, I'll just cut the number because what are we gonna do? Right, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 39:43

You know what I mean? We'll cut Jackie. Yeah. Jackie's sort of a joke here. Jackie did just get cut. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 39:49

Is that a joke?

SPEAKER_00 39:50

Oh, somebody had her, right?

SPEAKER_02 39:52

Yeah, her calf was ripped off. She went down an escalator and there was a she's gonna make money off this. Like she'd make it off her hip.

SPEAKER_00 39:57

She made it off her hip. I know, right? Get ready for the gofund me. She's gonna say, here's another go free. Go go fund me from Jackie.

SPEAKER_01 40:02

Here's another Jackie B gofund me.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

I'm gonna start a GoFundMe to get money for the drag queens go fund me. So give me money so that I can give money to Hedda, you know, all these queens like give me money. It's insane. Well, uh, we love you. And you know, the sh the theme of the show is trigger warning. And what we do is we all do a little trigger, what triggers us. Um, and so I'll start. We'll go, we'll go quickly. Yeah, yeah. What triggers me is when um the pines decides that they're going to mop my exact ideas. Yeah. And then they like to pretend that we're like, we're from LA and we're really rich and we're gonna do really unique, crazy, interesting things. And then they go, an underwear party. Like literally, I love to watch them fail every time they do this. So I think you heard you call it the jockstrap party. Yes, back when those awful guys were doing it, it was awful. And now they're calling it bare minimum, which is what they mean about their audience. Well, yeah, yeah, because the bare minimum isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 40:55

When you go there, you should expect the bare minimum.

SPEAKER_00 40:57

So, what happens is every time someone buys it, that rotted whole thing over there, and I do like the Pines Boys, they're coming, a lot of them coming to the Pines Boys are great.

SPEAKER_01 41:05

The pavilion is the triangle of sadness. Totally. Exactly. The best thing that could happen to the pavilion is another fire.

SPEAKER_00 41:12

Oh my totally, exactly. Absolutely. And and so every time they get a new owner, the new owner and I end up having some sort of conversation. They're always, I'm always like, look, let's work together. Counter program. So don't do Friday nights what I do. And Saturday nights, go ham, do what you want. They always end up focusing so hard on Fridays and trying to take down Fridays. Their Saturdays often are lacking. You mean like the dance stuff? They always do this. This time, uh, what numbnuts, uh, Tristan had dinner with me last year, wanted me to come over. I didn't necessarily want to go over. And then, of course, he's the And then ghosted us on Twitter. I gotta go, you know, on my private plane. My private plane, my private plane, my private plane. The plane, the plane. I've got my 40 husbands running. Exactly. So anyway, then I said, just don't do an underwear party because you're gonna embarrass yourself. Because I, you bring out the beast, you wake the beast.

SPEAKER_01 42:02

And he said, I'll show you embarrassing. And he did it in embarrassing. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 42:06

No, so then of course he's like, No, Daniel, we won't do it. And then, of course, they have to do it. So now my goal is to just watch him fail again miserably. And you wake, don't wake the beast. Be original. We're gay people. Why do we go from a creative class to a consumer class? Like, why is it suddenly we went from leaders to followers? Be creative, do something where I go, I had thought of that.

SPEAKER_02 42:27

That's my trigger too, though. I mine's very similar. Jump on it, jump on. Be original, be creative. What triggers me? If you go to a Queen show, okay, and I I see many Queen shows like in Provincetown, and instead of making a new video, like a vi an original video, like I did with Dina, or you know, like Dina makes uh genius videos, someone will put a Saturday night live clip in their show or and then expect people to pay. Because let's face it, when you do a show every minute, you're it's like a taxi meter, right? They're paying for every minute to put Saturday night night live videos in their show drives me.

SPEAKER_00 43:02

That's insane. Crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:04

And that happens, and then people laugh at it. That's the problem.

SPEAKER_00 43:08

So who who does who does that? Name some names. Name some names. Come on. Is it is our Rue, is it Rue Girls?

unknown 43:12

No.

SPEAKER_00 43:13

Okay. Yeah, because most of the most of the yeah, anyway. That's that's a good that's a good to hear. If I saw that, I would like to throw something at the screen.

SPEAKER_02 43:20

Because you know, you have to work hard to create material and it it you know, and sometimes it doesn't work, and sometimes you'll do a video and it it you end up scrapping it. Not for me, but for colleagues. Uh you know what I mean? And so you work so hard, and sometimes it doesn't always work. You have to take a risk, and it just drives me crazy when people don't take a risk and just think, uh, this will make someone laugh, and you know, I didn't pay for it.

SPEAKER_00 43:42

Yeah. Yeah, well, that's wild.

SPEAKER_01 43:44

What about you, Adam? What's your trigger? All right, I have to like breathe and compose myself so I don't explode. But it it kind of like um it spins off of everything you guys are saying. We've had the boot on our necks for so long that we are forgetting who is actually the problem, right? So we're accepting snakes in the garden. And I'll go, I'll name names. I'll go back to somebody like Tristan. Somebody who has never ever fucking been a part of this community, who then gets a Wall Street Journal, a New York Times ad to call himself the CEO of everything fucking gay, and then does nothing good for the community. I know countless club owners, party producers, promoters, go-go boys, bartenders, general managers, owners, festival producers that are giving safe spaces and cultural relevance to our community. And then you have fuckers like this that will come in and people get all razzle-dazzled with the money and whatnot. Right, and they're doing nothing good for us. We have a beautiful community over there that is starving. He bought the Abbey. What do you do? He moved the DJ booth to the center of the room because I'm all about symmetry. Fuck you, you fucking piece of shit. Wow. Do something else for the queer community.

SPEAKER_02 45:00

I hate to bring this up, but um uh he's actually being Dina's new boss. So I'm looking forward to seeing what he does.

SPEAKER_01 45:08

Oh, right, because he he partnered with the Crown and Anchor and then fired everyone.

SPEAKER_02 45:13

Well, he kept me in Dina, and I'm grateful for that. And I can't wait to see what he does with the community.

SPEAKER_01 45:18

Yeah, yeah. Varla, I wish you the best with him. I really do. I would love to see him turn over a new leaf. I really would. I really would.

SPEAKER_02 45:25

And Providence Hunt, he has some great people working for him, Providence, I will say, and they are really um, you know, looking out for the community so far. So uh, you know, maybe Providence Town will be a new title. I hope it lasts. I really hope it lasts. You know, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:40

Even a broken clock is right twice a day. So um I love you. I can't wait to see the show tonight. We're gonna let you go. We're gonna get ready. It's also hotter than hell in here. It got hot in here.

SPEAKER_02 45:50

I'll never be able to put my makeup on.

SPEAKER_00 45:53

All right, you guys. Thanks for listening. Trigger warning. My name is Daniel Nardiccio. I'm Adam Clesh. See you soon. Thank you so much. Don't be a dick. Woo!

SPEAKER_01 46:07

Trigger Warning, hosted by Dalen Ardiccio and Adam Meathammer Clesh, is a Pride House media production and produced by Josh Rosensweig. Please note the views reflected in this podcast do not represent the views of Red Eye, the Ice Palace, or any of its subsidiaries. And any reference to Scat, Shrimping, Upper Decker, Skank, Smash Baiting, Rump Riding, Wolfbagging, Cleveland Steamers, Jigglypuffing, Rusty Trombones, Cosby Sweaters, Mexican Pancakes, and Alabama Hot Pockets are the views of Mr. Ardiccio, Mr. Clesh, and his listeners, not the establishment. If you are offended, please seek immediate psychiatric attention.

SPEAKER_00 46:36

If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. And while you're there, leave us a rating and review it. It really helps others discover the show. And if you didn't enjoy this episode, don't tell anyone. Stay connected and join the conversation by following us on Trigger Warning Podcast. And you can send us your questions or hate mail to triggered at triggerwarning.com.