Snitchin
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Snitchin
Episode 43: The One With Heather's Family Planning Story: Navigating Loss and Finding Hope
Heather shares her profound journey through infant and pregnancy loss, IVF, and surrogacy, demonstrating remarkable resilience as she navigates multiple paths to motherhood.
• Heather's involvement with Emma's Footprints, an organization supporting families experiencing pregnancy or infant loss, which she found after the loss of her daughter Lyla at two weeks old in July 2021
• Her experience with IVF, the egg retrieval process and the emotional roller coaster of three embryo transfer attempts. Kristen also discusses her experience with egg freezing.
• Her unexpected natural pregnancy with son Owen as her and her husband were pursuing adoption
• Developing placenta accreta during pregnancy leading to emergency C-section and partial hysterectomy
• Her decision to pursue surrogacy for their second child using remaining embryos from IVF
• Heather joining Emma's Footprints board of directors and organizing a memorial walk in Boston in May
Hear more of Heather's story and learn about Emma's Footprints here
Join us at the upcoming Emma's Footprints memorial walk in Boston this May. Details will be shared soon on our social media.
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Ready, ready. Hey, everyone, welcome back to the latest episode of Snitchin' it's your host, kristen, and Brittany, get ready for the best part of your day. We are so excited for this episode. A couple of months in the making from when she was last on the pod, we have with us our guest Heather, one of our besties. She was one of our very first guests. Yeah, a fan favorite guest.
Speaker 3:I will say yes, first guests.
Speaker 1:Yeah, a fan favorite guests. I will say Heather's episode did well. Heather's episode is still one of, like our very best episodes. I don't know if you knew that, heather.
Speaker 4:I did not. Well, I'm excited to be back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're thrilled to have you. Last time Heather was here, we did a segment called 13 questions. I think some of our questions on that. It was like one of the first times we did it. I'm pretty sure we asked you like ballet flats or heels or something like that, like some pretty light stuff. Today we're going to be getting into more substantial, serious topics. We're going to be talking about all things family planning with Heather, her experience with IVF, one of the organizations that she's a huge supporter for. I'm also going to talk about my egg freezing journey and then we're going to get into discussions around adoption and surrogacy. So it's going to be a jam-packed episode, I guess. Kind of starting off, when we last had you, one of the last things we really talked about was Emma's Footprints, which is an amazing organization that you are very involved with. So kind of want to start the conversation there. Just remind the snitches how they're talking about Emma's Footprints, how you got involved and anything you want to share Awesome.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so just to recap, so I am very involved in an organization called Emma's Footprints. They are an organization that specifically helps families that have been through either a pregnancy or infant loss. It can be at any stage, so like, even if you've had an early stage miscarriage like don't feel strange about reaching out. They support people at any any stage of pregnancy loss, again, and also infant loss. And again, I think I briefly shared this on the last episode, but one of the reasons why I got involved is my husband, owen, and I have a very personal connection to that.
Speaker 4:So in July of 2021, we lost our daughter, lila at two weeks old. You know, it was just a very obviously devastating and isolating thing that happened to us and we didn't know anybody you know in our personal lives that had ever been through anything like that. So I actually found Emma's through just kind of searching online. I love podcasts and I actually just typed into Spotify like infant loss and their podcast came up and they do multiple things to support families, one of them being a weekly podcast where they have women come on and share their stories. So that was something that was like really helpful for me. I must've listened to like almost every episode they had and it just really made me feel like less alone and it just helped me feel like, okay, you know other people have been through this and you know there's like another side to it. Not that you know things get better at a certain point, you know grief is just an ongoing thing but that's something that really helped me.
Speaker 4:So probably like maybe a year and a half later, I was pretty friendly with the founder so I'd kind of reached out to see if there's anything else that I could do specifically to help other women, because I felt like at that point I could really be a supporter myself and try and help other people. So I reached out and they have something called care team moms. So I was paired with another mom that had a loss similar to mine. She lost her son. He had a very rare heart defect at like a week and a half old and also passed away. So I was kind of like a mentor for her.
Speaker 4:I still speak with her pretty often so, yeah, so that was kind of the first thing that I did, you know, with MS Footprints, getting you know more involved with their organization, and then also just recently, I also shared my story on their podcast and you know, just in talking to the people that work there, my this is a little bit of a tangent, but my work background is in like event marketing and I had said, like you know, I'd love to do an event one day in Boston. So I've been in the kind of early stages of working with them on planning a Boston walk. That is likely going to happen early May. It's going to be a memorial walk that anybody can participate in. I don't have the link yet or anything to sign up, but once I do, happy to share that, can I?
Speaker 3:comment on your podcast episode. Yeah, yeah, I I'm glad that you brought it up. I feel like when I like hearing that podcast was like the most emotional, like podcast I've ever listened to, like just so locked in. But like hearing you, I mean, you obviously told Lila's story like in detail and I feel like the first time I heard it was like right after and it was just like completely different. It was so hard for you to talk about it, it was so hard for everyone, and then just to hear you talk about it, I mean and you still got emotional and stuff on the pod but just to be able to speak about it like confidently and like all the stuff you've done to help other people, it's just like so inspiring. It makes me so proud to be your friend.
Speaker 4:Thank you.
Speaker 1:I feel like it was one of those moments, too, where, like I'm just so glad that you found community you know of, of people who can really understand, like I think, as one of your friends and Brit, I feel like you feel the same way, like we wanted nothing more than to be there for you, but we also it's. We don't know what that feels like, and so I think, to echo what Brittany said, like you have been so amazing and how you've supported other people who are going through the same situation and hearing like you retell your story, I felt like there were things that I didn't even know about, how you felt while you were going through it, and it was like really awesome, as your friend, to get to hear that insight and, yeah, I'm so proud of you. I can't, I totally agree. I can't wait for the walk next year and to anyone who might be going through this, I mean, hopefully this episode reaches people who you know can listen and feel.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like support. That's what it is with them.
Speaker 1:Right, Exactly Like. That's something I'm assuming that you would kind of recommend. Right? It's like reach out to try to find those connections.
Speaker 4:Yes, yeah, and I think everyone's experience is so different, like so people might not want to reach out right away, but really like there's no right time to do that and like whenever you feel like you want to reach out for help in any way. Again, for me, really like talking about it really helps me. Talking with other people that have been through similar situations it's just something that was like super helpful for me throughout. You know my grief journey and you know just trying to help other people and it's something that I'm like super passionate about.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it's amazing, talking about kind of you know when you were family planning, you now obviously have Owen. He is so stinking cute and he's turning two right Coming up.
Speaker 4:He'll be two in October.
Speaker 1:And you and your husband Owen, I feel like we are like big O. We always say like but you went through IVF.
Speaker 4:So kind of talking with that, like maybe just a little bit of your experience with IVF and when you started that process, we reached out to a fertility specialist probably about six months after Lila passed away and to give a little more background on to why we decided to do that, because we actually we didn't have issues like fertility issues when we were conceiving Lila. So it's a little complicated because I think a lot of people think of IVF or fertility treatments specifically for people that are having a hard time getting pregnant or for fertility preservation or things like that. There's just there's so many different things that and reasons people would do IVF. So one of the reasons that we had reached out was a genetic reason. So Lila passed away due to a genetic condition and we wanted to do IVF so that our future children wouldn't be affected by that. So that was the main reason that we had reached out to a fertility doctor. My OB at the time was like a great support and I believe like sent me like three or four different places to look into. We decided to go with Boston IVF and had an amazing experience with them.
Speaker 4:So again, that was about six months after Lila passed away and I was in no means like immediately ready to like okay, we want to, like you know, move forward like right away. But my experience was like, again, just a very unique experience, because when I was pregnant with Lila, you know, I had a full term, like nine month pregnancy and delivered her and she passed away, and so it was just a very unique experience because essentially, I was pregnant that whole time and then it was taken away from me. So it's just a very strange feeling to. I was so ready to be a mom, mom and like have her here and then she was gone. So like I did have this like really strong feeling that like I wanted to be a mom so badly and I like wanted to do that like as soon as possible.
Speaker 4:Again, like physically, like probably, you know, wasn't really ready at that six month mark, but again, like everyone's so different and kind of like how they feel, I just like had this, this really strong feeling that I wanted to, you know, be proactive and make sure that we could start thinking about that. So, anyways, so we worked with Boston IVF for I believe that next like year or so, that was in like the winter of 2021, going into 2022. It's so crazy like looking back now, because it's like it's now. It's like fall of 2025. It feels like like so long ago, but like not at the same time yeah but anyways.
Speaker 4:So so we started out with an egg retrieval. If you're doing IVF, that's the first part of the process it's. It's funny because, like I feel like when I like I knew nothing about IVF, I didn't know anybody that did it, and so I also kind of like leaned into like social media and finding people that like were sharing their stories. So like I went a lot on like Instagram and I think TikTok was kind of coming out at that time People that were like sharing their IVF journeys and it was like helpful because they kind of went through like a day in the life of like what they were doing. But anyway, so we did an egg retrieval. So that's kind of the first part of the process. I had to do the IVF injections for that. I think I did that for close to two weeks and basically you go in closer to the end almost every other day for monitoring and you're injecting yourself with hormones so that you can get as many viable eggs as possible for that retrieval. And closer to the end, they're just monitoring to make sure that they're at the right stage to do the retrieval and, again, just making sure that you're getting as many as as many as you can.
Speaker 4:So my egg retrieval was super successful. I definitely was like overstimulated. I actually got 92 eggs. So my doctor at the time actually said to me she was like I actually don't even know if I cause they have like egg donors and stuff come in and do the same type of thing. She was like I don't even think that I had had an egg donor have this many eggs. So it was obviously a good problem to have and we were able to, you know, have embryos out of that and we did genetic testing. So that was kind of my egg retrieval part of that. And, kristen, I know that you know you have a personal experience with that, so I don't know if you want to share your part of that as well.
Speaker 1:Sure, yeah, I feel like what you said was like about the resources, I definitely agree. I feel like I listened to armchair expert plug again. But you know Monica Padman, the co. The one of the co-hosts or the co-host. She did this like spinoff with her friend Liz, called race to 35. And they documented every day that they went through the process of the egg retrieval, which was like two weeks. I found it so, so helpful. I feel like agreed with you.
Speaker 1:I didn't know anything about the process and I didn't even know that egg freezing was the first part to IVF.
Speaker 1:I feel like the one of the first episodes totally resonated with me because you know you're going in and it's kind of at least for me it was a little bit of a process to get there. I think you start by, you know, figuring out where you're going to go. I also used Boston IVF fantastic experience. But you got to go and get your blood work, kind of see what your baseline levels are. Then you have to have a follow-up with the doctor and then you have to figure out when your cycle is, order the medication. So I want to say I started the process in July and didn't actually start the egg freezing injections until October. So it was kind of like waiting around a bit and then all of a sudden it's like go time and I remember the first day they send you home with all of the medication I think everyone kind of has a different you know cocktail, if you will, about what you're going to be having, and I remember being like I feel like they're like having me do chemistry, like I hate science.
Speaker 1:Like what am I doing here? I have to get the right amount and the syringe, like it was just very overwhelming. And they said that in the pod. They were like what, what the hell are we doing here? Like they just expect all. But then it's also there's comfort, right, because everyone's nervous doing this and you know, if they're having all of these people, all these women do this at home like you can do it too. So I just want to say also, like, definitely look for resources, social media, podcasts. I totally agree.
Speaker 1:I think one of the things that I left the whole experience with was, you know, I just felt grateful that I felt like my situation was, you know, easier than most people have it when it comes to egg freezing. You know, I didn't have like a timeline that I was really wanting to hit or I wasn't actively trying to get pregnant. I was really doing this, just, you know, for the future, for my future self, and I was surprised at how emotional the toll was, because you're going in every few days for these ultrasounds and these follicle counts. So basically, like Heather said, you're trying to get as many like follicles as you can and you have to get them to a certain size. You go in every few days and they like tell you how many you have in each ovary and like what size they are.
Speaker 1:And I remember like feeling like I was almost like passing a test or something Like how's my body doing?
Speaker 1:Like am I? And you know, if I remember, one of the appointments I didn't have a great or I didn't think at the time I didn't have a great outcome and I felt like so disappointed I almost like was hard on myself about it, which logically, you know, is not a good like that's not a logical thought. Like I can't help what my body produces but at the same time, like you kind of can't help the emotional reaction of feeling like you're not doing well or something. So there's that definitely like that emotional toll that I didn't expect, plus all the hormones you're pumping into your body, like obviously there's going to be some side effects from that too. So so, yeah, that was definitely something like I would say if anyone's going through this. I wasn't necessarily expecting and like it's totally normal. I was very lucky that I got 20 good eggs at the end of it. So I felt really, you know, happy with with the results, but that was probably one of the takeaways that I that I had that I wasn't prepared for.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel like I could. Oh sorry, I was going to say just to take a step back maybe, because, like I feel like, like we're saying, not a lot of people know about IVF. What's like I guess more about like the process of freezing your eggs, so like July through October, what were you doing Like blood tests and stuff, and then like, how do they determine your cocktail?
Speaker 4:Yeah, so I can kind of explain my experience and then, kristen, if you want to add anything. So again, everyone has kind of like a different timeline basically. So we had like our first consultation and then, if you have any type of insurance coverage, that definitely plays a part in it as well. So our healthcare system just being the way that it is, I was fortunate to have most of our IVF cycle covered by insurance, which is great, but then, at the same time, insurance definitely delays a big part of that. So basically, you have your consult with the doctor and then you're kind of set up with the financial coordinator that works there. She then puts everything, or she or him puts everything together and is sent to the insurance company, and then it's kind of like a waiting game. You're just like, okay, is this going to get approved or denied? That can take like four to six weeks, I believe. At least for us it must be like painful if you're like really wanting to get pregnant.
Speaker 4:Yeah, exactly, I think for us it took like a month.
Speaker 4:So that's kind of like you meet and then there's kind of a pause to get all that done, if it's approved or not, and then, once it's approved, like Kristen said, you meet with the doctor again and kind of have like another appointment.
Speaker 4:Talking more specifically about like okay, this is what we're going to do for you, specifically because you also have different ultrasounds and blood work and, based on how your results come back from like your ultrasounds and blood work is kind of how they put together the injections that you're going to do. So, like I think I had three different things that I was taking, but again, for me, like they wanted to make sure that like I was getting as many as possible, you know, within reason. And so, like I definitely think that like I was probably overstimulated and didn't need that much because I I also do have PCOS. So people that have PCOS start out with a lot of follicles to begin with. So, like my baseline like is like 20 to 25 to begin with, like just like there. So that's why I ended up having like 92 eggs because there was just so many.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, Same I also. Yeah, the beginning is like just figuring out your insurance situation. I would definitely say my cousin actually was the one we were talking about this who was like you definitely need to see what benefits your company provides. I was lucky that my company did have a great relationship with this third party provider called Carrot and they were like so fantastic, really simple to use, really helped me get set up to, you know, figure out what I had covered. So I would definitely say, like step one, you know, make sure you take a look at the benefits that you have. But, yeah, same, it was just getting the blood work, having to book the appointment and then, like Heather said, they just take a look at like what your body composition is and like give you your specific meds. I also had like one injection and then I think I had like two pills you do for two weeks, right?
Speaker 4:Well, it can be anywhere from like I think they originally told me like it could be less than that, so like could be seven or eight days, like it could be like maybe a week, all the way up to like two weeks or a little longer. Again, it just depends on, like the when you're going in for those repeated ultrasounds they want to make sure that your follicle size is getting to like the most mature possible. I don't know why I remember this, but I feel like it's like anywhere from like 19 to like 22 was kind of like. I remember like I'm kind of similar to what Kristen said, like going in like every other day and I was like oh, my gosh, is my, are my follicles going to grow? Are they going to be the?
Speaker 1:right size.
Speaker 4:And it's like it's so much, like there's already so much, like kind of like pressure on it and like anxiety, and then it just like creates more of like oh my gosh, is this going to be right? Am I going to have to do more shots? Is it going to like work?
Speaker 1:do more shots. Is it going to like work? Yeah, now that you say that, like I hadn't, I forgot about the timeline. We were going to Aris tour Brit in Florida and I remember being like I don't know if I'm gonna be able to go, because they kind of, oh right, they tell you as you go, like if so, I remember being like very much on the cusp of like okay, they're going to schedule me for this day or not, but it's all just depending on how, yeah, the follicles are growing. Also, one thing I remember I might be like fudging this a little bit, but I want to say like the first day, the first day, is the scariest day and at least for me it was. And doing the shots, yeah.
Speaker 1:And for me, like after day two, I was like I got this, Like it's okay.
Speaker 3:I mean props to you too, like doing it alone would be scary.
Speaker 4:Yes, a hundred, 100%, kristen, because Owen did the shots for me and I don't like needles at all. I mean, now I'm like totally fine with it, just because at this point I've had like so many different things with blood work and the shots for all of this. And then when you're doing transfers, there's things with that too. But to actually do it like on your own is yeah, that's you should be really proud about that.
Speaker 1:Thanks, friends, I appreciate that, but the first day they give you like a specific time. Do you remember that, heather?
Speaker 3:Yes, Yep, oh to do the shot.
Speaker 1:And it's a random time. They're like 8, 11 PM. Like get your shot. And I remember that first day I was like pacing around my kitchen just like when is it going to be 8, 11? Like you know, just stress.
Speaker 4:So I actually have like a story about that. So this is it wasn't for my egg retrieval, but and I'll I'll get into kind of like next steps after the egg retrieval. But for one of the transfers that I did again to Kristen's point like everything is so specific on like when you have to do things again, people have different protocols on what's going to work for them to once you got past that retrieval, for the transfer process. But I had to do something called a trigger shot which essentially like induces ovulation and make sure that it's like setting you up for the best scenario to be able to get pregnant. The specific day that I had to do that I had a work event and like and I was like leading and like managing the event.
Speaker 4:And luckily my, my company has been really supportive of this the whole time and my boss like knew obviously everything that happened with Lila. She knew we were doing IVF. So like I told her ahead of time and I was like, oh, just as an FYI, like my husband's actually going to be driving in to like give me the shot, I'm just gonna go run out. And he's just gonna give me the shot. Like I literally he was like hey, I'm here, he like parked outside of the hotel and I ran outside and he gave me the shot, like in the car heather, that's great.
Speaker 3:I mean not crazy, not my word, but like it's crazy that it's that it's just like that important. Yeah to kr.
Speaker 4:To Kristen's point I forget what time it was, but I think it was yeah. Like mine was also like late, so like maybe like eight o'clock or something, and I was like all right, I'll be right back, Like I'll be back.
Speaker 1:Just doing a quick errand. Yeah, yeah, Don't mind me. Oh my gosh. Well, what? Yeah? So that is step one of of the IVF process and that's all I went through. But what happens after that?
Speaker 4:So basically once you, if you get through the egg retrieval successfully and I don't want to really like I'm trying to think of the best way to word this I know some people have a hard time with the egg retrieval process, luckily for me, like that wasn't an issue, but I know some people have to do multiple egg retrievals. You know they're not able to get viable embryos, so like I definitely think that that is like a big part of the part of the process. So anyway, so for me we were able to successfully get embryos. So then from there you meet with your doctor again and basically come up with a plan to do a transfer protocol is what they call it and transferring the embryo From there. I think again for us we had our embryos genetically tested, which took like a month and a half, so that kind of like put a pause a little bit on it, like some people do an egg retrieval and then, like a couple of weeks later, do a transfer. For us I think it was like two months or so later. So again, my personal journey. With that part of the process I didn't have a great experience, nothing to do with Boston IVF at all, but unfortunately we did not have like success with that. So I did three transfers.
Speaker 4:Our first transfer resulted in something called the chemical pregnancy. It's essentially an early term miscarriage, but the transfer was successful and worked. You go in I think it's two weeks later to do blood work and I was like on my blood work confirmed pregnant but then had to do repeated blood tests and my numbers were just like so all over the place and it ultimately was not a viable pregnancy. We then met with our doctor again, decided to do another transfer. We, I believe, kept the protocol the same. So I was on some like oral medication to kind of like, I think, help with progesterone and again helping you to have to become pregnant in the best scenario.
Speaker 4:That transfer just completely didn't work at all. So I will say that was like a really hard thing. I know, you know it's it's so weird because it's like what? It's? Just an embryo. So it's like it's not like it's really hard to like, kind of like think back on, but like I remember when we like when I went in for blood work and they were like you know, I'm sorry it didn't work and it's just like such an awful feeling to like have gone through all of that and be like, oh, okay, well.
Speaker 3:Especially when you're carrying around the weight of like yeah.
Speaker 4:And again I just like wanted to be pregnant so badly. So that was the second time we met with our doctor again for a third time. I was like at that point, like I was like should we do it again? Like should we look at other options? And they had said and I think again, every clinic is different, but what they had said to us was most people are able to get pregnant off of three tries. So once you do three separate transfers, if you were to have like three miscarriages or three failed transfers, then they would kind of look into like more, like okay, what is really going on here and why isn't this working? I forget the percentage of people, but I think it's pretty high. Like I think I want to say they said like 90% of people are able to get pregnant off of like three cycles and then if that doesn't work, then they kind of like reevaluate.
Speaker 4:So that third transfer, they did more medication and did something called a fully medicated cycle and they didn't really understand why I had to do that because again, when we had our daughter, I didn't do any intervention, I got pregnant naturally. There was no fertility part of that, I just got pregnant naturally and it was fine. So for this one I had to do medication leading up to the transfer and then I had to do something called pyoinjection shots, which is like progesterone and oil, which are terrible, and again it's just making sure that you have enough progesterone to support a pregnancy. You actually have to do them in your butt. It's like really painful. I thought you had to do them all in your butt. No, not all of them, no, I had to. The ones for my egg retrieval were in my stomach.
Speaker 4:Same Ah that's nice, so anyway. So, yeah, that one was kind of like a little more intense because I was like, oh wow, like I guess I have to do a little more and hopefully this works so. But I was like, oh wow, like I guess I have to do a little more and hopefully this works. So but I was like, yep, I'll just do whatever it takes. So we did that leading up and then also, you know, throughout the pregnancy we're going to kind of continue to do that, so that pregnancy was successful. And you know, I was so excited, we were like, okay, this finally worked. And then, unfortunately, I ended up having a miscarriage right around eight weeks. So that was really devastating. We had to do a DNC.
Speaker 4:It's when you have a miscarriage, it's like it's just such a wild experience because, like you're basically told, like you know, I'm so sorry this, you know the pregnancy isn't where it's supposed to be or you know it's not going to continue, it's not gonna be viable, and at least for me, one of the first ultrasounds that I had, it kind of like it wasn't where it was, it was supposed to be, but they were like, well, you know, let's give it another week and you can just come back and you're just kind of like in this waiting game and it's like okay, well, that's like doesn't sound good, but I guess we'll just wait.
Speaker 4:And so I had to like wait another week. I went back in again and then at that point, you know, there was no heartbeat. And that's when they kind of give you a option of either doing a DNC, so surgery to remove the pregnancy, or you can also do oral medication to essentially have a natural miscarriage. I opted to do the DNC just because having a miscarriage on your own not that the surgery is a great option, but, as I've heard, it's a very traumatic situation.
Speaker 4:I was like I've already been through like a lot of traumatic things, so I would rather not just get it over with add to my thing Exactly, and I was like I just, you know this obviously isn't going to work, so I decided to do the DNC and had to go to their, like, inpatient center to have that done. That was in November of 2022.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so that's a good. So how long was this all Like the three transfers? Was that like a year?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was like about a year, so it's a long time. It was.
Speaker 4:yeah, it was really, yeah, it was just. It was kind of like a dark time of like that. I was like how did I? You know, we obviously lost our daughter and then went through a year of IVF and like we weren't any closer to bringing home like a healthy baby. So, yeah, that was in November of 2022.
Speaker 4:At that point, I had just kind of said to my husband, owen and again he was like so supportive of the whole entire process and was like amazing, so I don't want to overshadow that and was kind of like whatever you want to do, like whatever you feel comfortable with, like he didn't want to push me to do like anything more than I wanted. So I just wanted to kind of like take a break for a little bit, cause, again, it was just like so much and I just felt like we had like just just not been. It just wasn't successful. Like we had like just just not been, it just wasn't successful. We decided to take a little bit of a break. We went on a vacation to Puerto Rico at the start of that year, in 2023.
Speaker 4:And that's when we started to talk about kind of different options and we mainly at that point we're thinking about adoption and had actually met with a few different adoption agencies, really got some information on that. We actually met with one agency that we really were actually going to move forward with. We had an application, we had consult calls. I kind of understood the process and then we ended up getting pregnant, naturally, really again we weren't really trying at that time with our son Owen. So that was in March of 2023. It was just like so, so just a real experience because, like we had filled out the this adoption paperwork, we're like literally going to put it in the mail and like I kid you not like then, like it was like that day or that, like two days later, I found out.
Speaker 4:I was pregnant that's crazy timing.
Speaker 4:I also found out I was pregnant on my grandma's birthday and yeah, my grandma's, like it was one of my favorite people and she passed away that January so I I always think that like it's a sign from her and Lila. But anyway, so because we we got pregnant naturally with Owen and because of everything that happened with Lila, it was just a very like scary time because they just didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't know if he was going to be affected by this genetic condition. Luckily, at our I think it was right around 10, 11 weeks when you can do blood work to find out the sex of the baby. We found out he was a boy and with this condition, a boy actually can't be born with it because it's an X-linked genetic condition. So that was kind of the only thing that was we felt a little more comfortable with, because basically, if the baby was a boy and was affected by it, you would likely have a miscarriage in the first trimester. So once we found out, that had good scans at 12 weeks, we had like a mini anatomy scan at like 16 weeks. Everything looked good. So that was kind of that was good.
Speaker 4:But then from there I unfortunately didn't have a great pregnancy myself. Nothing to do with him, he was healthy and but I had a lot of placenta issues in my pregnancy and I ended up developing something called placenta accreta, which essentially it's like a very rare condition where your placenta attaches to the uterus and it makes it very difficult for delivery and most babies are delivered early. I was at Newton Wellesley at the time. I had to be transferred to the Brigham and my care was transferred there because most hospitals can't even deliver a pregnancy with that condition, just because it's like very life-threatening, and saw one of their high risks MFMs. For the rest of my pregnancy I like I think I went in like every week from like 24 weeks on and then and I can stop at any point because I feel like I'm now I'm just kind of going- no, I mean, is that okay?
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, my God.
Speaker 4:Okay, so, yeah. So we always knew that he was going to be born a little early because with this specific condition you or it's recommended that you do not go into labor Because, again, it's just, it's very dangerous if that happens. So we originally were going to go in just for a C-section. They were aiming around 35, 36 weeks. So I always knew that he was going to be like early. 36 weeks was the goal, and then with placenta accreta, there's just different risks that can happen. You can develop bleeding, which I did have minor bleeding, but then the morning or sorry, the day that he was born, I woke up that morning with bleeding. So we rushed into the hospital, you know, was monitored there for a few hours. They then noticed that I was like fully contracting and essentially going into labor. So then from there I had to have an emergency C-section to make sure again that I wasn't actually going into labor. Crazy.
Speaker 4:Yeah, that was at 34 weeks and we knew from there that he would likely need a NICU stay. I think you have to stay in the NICU if you're under 37 weeks and we were fully prepared for that. For the delivery of him was probably one of the most like traumatic days like of my life, aside from when we lost Lila. This is kind of going into like a little bit further about placenta accreta. But one of the main risk factors for that is when you're delivering, because the placenta is like likely so attached to the uterus they don't know if they can get the placenta out. So that's why they have to have a C-section, that's why it has to have a special doctor and they tell you when you're going through that that you know you have a risk of having a hysterectomy.
Speaker 4:But at the time my doctor had said like I think you're a little more mild, but we really can't tell until you go into labor. But we really can't tell until you go into labor. So I kind of just we just didn't know what to expect. So we go in for a regular C-section, very similar to when I had Lila. He came out, was great, healthy, and that was like and Britt knows, because she had two C-sections as well.
Speaker 2:The C-section itself is like pretty quick, so it's like I don't know, the baby comes out in like 10 minutes, literally yeah.
Speaker 4:So that part like he came out. Obviously he was born early so like needed a little support. He had like a CPAP on for oxygen and then I had Owen go with him to the NICU because like the NICU doctors come in they make sure that everything's good and they kind of like go. So that was like the first 20 minutes and then from there, unfortunately, you know, the doctor came over to me. At this point I was like by myself because Owen was was with Owen in the NICU. They said you know, we're so sorry, but you have like a very severe version of this. We are likely going to have to do with a hysterectomy. What a terrible time to hear that though too.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so it was just a lot to process. I will say they were really good. And so I had a partial hysterectomy and they cut my ovaries and my cervix, so it was just my uterus that was taken out, just also because they wanted to make sure that, like I had fertility preservation. So if I ever wanted to do another egg retrieval, they wanted to make sure that that was possible. They didn't want me going into like premature menopause because, like I still have like hormones and everything. So, anyways, that was about five hours.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, that I mean I my C-section was 45 minutes and it was like the longest 45 minutes ever, like after they take the baby out. You're just like, okay, what do I do? And mine was like similar, because Tyler was born at 37 weeks and his like lungs weren't all developed, so he had to go to the NICU too, and Chris went too. So I was just sitting there like hopefully they're doing a good job down there. Right, but it felt like forever.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so, so. Yeah, it was like a five hour surgery. I was like completely awake for it and it's just like I was just luckily. Scared of the wall. Yeah, the anesthesiologists who were there were like great, and like I was like talking to them, like they were trying to like make sure that I was okay, just because again, again, that surgery is just so intense and they want to make sure that I'm doing okay. I ended up losing half the blood in my body and, yeah, it was just a really crazy experience.
Speaker 3:Those placentas? Man Placentas are the strangest body part. Yeah. The fact that they can kill you. So for Connor I had to have a dnc. After I had connor had him natural and then they like couldn't get the placenta out. So it was like similar, it was like stuck and they were like like chris had to sign this paperwork to get blood, blood transfusion. It was a whole thing. Yeah, I had to go to get a dnc, but like if they didn't get it out like I would have died.
Speaker 3:It's just crazy that, like something that is giving your, your, this baby life can also kill you. Like if it stays in for too long after the fact.
Speaker 1:But then I'm like but then how?
Speaker 3:does like Kourtney Kardashian, drink it. I don't get it. I mean it's just so weird. Pregnancy is just so crazy.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I mean, it's just so weird, pregnancy is just so crazy. Yeah, I mean, I will say I think I'm so grateful that we're in Boston with like some of the best medical care in the US because, like you know, I think honestly, like some other places, to your point, like you know, I think there are people that have died from that because, like they don't, they don't have the same level of OB care and luckily, you know, this was noticed in my pregnancy and I was able to be transferred to a medical team that, like, fully understood and has seen this and saw that, because if this was something that just was, like I was having a C-section and they weren't prepared for that, like you're right, like it's a very dangerous situation and I could have died.
Speaker 1:And like I don't want to ask something that might be like insensitive you don't even have to answer it, but I have to. I can't even like. It's like you probably, the amount of just emotions going through, like you just had your son you know the best emotion, right Like, but then you're also having a hysterectomy, going through major surgery.
Speaker 4:Like processing all of that information, like it must have just been almost like an out-of-body thing, I would imagine yeah, you know for sure, like I feel like it didn't really hit me until like a little while later of like what really had just happened, because again he was in the NICU.
Speaker 4:We were driving in every day.
Speaker 4:We were like, at least my like and I know Owen's was as well was just, you know, to be there for him, making sure that he was good and we were going to be able to bring him home, which luckily he had a pretty short stay and was there for just about two weeks and we were able to bring him home and he did great and again he's like a thriving, almost two-year-old little boy now.
Speaker 4:But yeah, it's just like I think it was really like a couple months later where I was like, oh wow, I like I can't believe that that was like part of my story, and I think where, like at least for me, like I was like, how did that happen? Like it was like I, you know, we lost our daughter at two weeks old, went through all of that and then went through, you know, over a year of IVF, had, you know, other miscarriages, and then, you know, finally get pregnant with him and then you know, most importantly, he's here and healthy. But then you know it resulted in a hysterectomy. So it's kind of like like how did that even happen?
Speaker 1:So yeah, yeah, and I mean not to like tangent in a way that would be weird, but I mean leading to now. You know he's two years old. You're, you know, planning for baby number two and obviously your situation is is different now, given that. So when you were thinking about what you were going to do for baby two, you know how were you kind of thinking about your options there?
Speaker 4:Yep, so that's a great point. So probably like right after he turned one, we really kind of just started to think about our options. We again had already had the resources of adoption because we again, like I said, we had previously looked into that. But then also we wanted to also leave surrogacy as an option as well, because again, we did go through IVF and you know we do have an embryo left. So because of that, we also wanted to look into surrogacy. We ultimately decided to go forward with surrogacy for to have a living sibling for him and to have another baby. But it was I don't want to like overshadow that whole conversation because it was a really big decision whether we were going to move forward with adoption or surrogacy. Ultimately, one of my reasons was so something that people I think talk about with adoption is you know it's or some people are like, oh, why don't you just adopt? Adoption is actually like a very big thing and it's really not easy at all.
Speaker 3:Is it like the logistics? Like what do they make it harder you?
Speaker 4:think they would make it easy.
Speaker 4:Yeah. So cause it's like to your point, like you think like there are like children out there that are being born and need to, you know, be adopted and being loving homes, but the process of actually being approved to be to go forward with adoption is like a big thing. So you have to like meet with an adoption agency. That process takes I think it was going to be like three to four months of like going through the full application and then from there you have to have like a home study. You have to like meet with a lawyer. You have to be like there's. There's like so many different things of like.
Speaker 3:Okay, now you're like approved to adopt it's terrible and, like all the people that are probably going through, that are like just had a hard time, like probably gone through IVF or something like, and then to make them like, do all that, like shame on those adoption agencies or the government, whoever it is, that it's different in every state.
Speaker 4:But the birth mother once you are, like you know, matched with a birth mother, they do have the right to change their mind and some of them it's up to four days after. So you could go to the hospital, meet the birth mother, meet the child, be with them, and I think they said it's up to 10% of the cases where they changed their mind and it's called like a failed adoption. I was like I don't think I can do that, just because of, like the trauma that we already went through with with Lila and losing her in that way. I was like I don't think I can personally put myself in that situation to like have this baby that I would so badly want to, you know, raise and bring home with us and then have them change their mind, so anyway. So that is why one of the reasons why we decided to not do adoption and really decided to move forward with surrogacy.
Speaker 4:Luckily for us for surrogacy, you know we had previously gone through IVF, so that part of the process. You know we have an embryo and we're able to reach out to different agencies and you know I think we spoke to three different agencies on kind of their process, their timeline, financials, because I don't want to overshadow that. You know surrogacy is a very expensive thing to go through. But ultimately, owen and I didn't want to like make that decision based solely on a financial thing. Just like you know, five years from now, we didn't want to be like, well, why didn't we, you know, pursue that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, not to interrupt, heather, but just for people who might be interested in that, because I think for, like, I knew nothing about surrogacy until you started this process. So the first step is making sure that you have embryos, so everything you described before. That's what's going to happen first, and then you go to an agency.
Speaker 4:Yeah, most agencies you can't even have a consult with or maybe they'll have a consult with you, but you definitely can't move forward in any type of contracting phase until you actually have embryos, because they don't want to waste their time and they don't want to waste, you know, a surrogate's time to do that.
Speaker 4:So we ultimately decided on a really boutique agency. They were actually referred to us. Our friend, maria her friend, used this agency and I ended up talking with her like on the phone for like probably like an hour hour and a half and she kind of like went through everything about the agency, what their process was, and she had a great experience. So, and we also had a really great experience kind of talking with them and learning about the process we ultimately decided to move forward with them. So we signed up with them December of 2024 and are now in the process of surrogacy to have our you know another sibling, hopefully for Owen. So yeah, that's kind of where we are in that process. I know I just spoke for so long, so thank you to everyone that are hopefully still listening. Oh, I am like locked in right now?
Speaker 3:They definitely are.
Speaker 4:I was just going to say yeah, I feel like the past hour has like flown by now about like all of this, all things like family planning, pregnancy and infant loss, and really like if I can help anyone in any way, like in any part of their process. So if it's someone going through IVF, if it's someone that's had a miscarriage, of course, if it's someone that's had a loss similar to ours with Lila, it's just I love doing that and I want to continue to do that and again continuing to do my work with Emma's Footprints, I'm actually going to be joining their board of directors this January to again just help really spread awareness and everything in the community.
Speaker 1:So yeah, you are like literally so amazing, you go, I'm gonna cry I felt like I was gonna cry like six times but I feel like watching like you heather through all of this, like just been, I don't know so amazing, so strong yeah and like I feel like you always, also, even through all of this, like you still show up for everyone.
Speaker 1:Like I feel like you always also, even through all of this, like you still show up for everyone, like I feel like you would always come to all of the like parties, and even when you know you were in the really like the dark times, like just uh, you're just the best. I'm so like, I don't know, can't say enough about you.
Speaker 4:Oh, thank you. But and I also want to say, like for anyone that's going through that like it's also okay not to like. I in certain situations was able to kind of like you know, again to Kristen's point like show up for other people and be there for our friends and family, who you know were like having birthday parties and different things for their kids. But I ultimately, like made the decision that I didn't want to not do that because of, like, what was happening with us, and I didn't want to look back one day and say like why didn't, why wasn't I there for someone? You know, I would want someone to be there for me, so yeah, what an episode.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, I feel like words don't even like do it justice, Like as as someone who's had two children, like and I haven't gone through all that and not and that was so hard Like just being normally pregnant, like getting pregnant is so hard. Yeah, there's just. It's just mind blowing to to think about like all that you've been through and overcome. So proud of you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So I mean I know, like even talking, sharing your story now. Hopefully there's someone listening who's going to listen to your story and find some comfort and support in it. Definitely, for anyone who is looking for a resource, ms Footprints is a fantastic place to go. Thank you so much for coming on the pod. We will be at the walk rain or shine.
Speaker 4:At that walk. Once I have all that information, I will share it with the snitches and we will make sure that that is shared for everyone. To sign up to donate. Whatever you want to do, that would be greatly appreciated.
Speaker 1:Amazing. Well, Heather, thanks so much for joining us. Yeah, this was an amazing episode and we'll be back on Friday with not as good of an episode, but it's still going to be okay. How am I supposed to go back? To my dad.
Speaker 4:All right, thanks guys. Thanks Heather. Bye everyone.