When Your Adult Child Makes a Decision You Don’t Agree With

When your adult child makes a decision you don’t agree with, it can bring up a very specific kind of tension.

You’re not in charge anymore… but you still care deeply.

In this episode, we’re talking about what it looks like to navigate those moments—when your adult child chooses something you wouldn’t choose, and every part of you wants to step in, say something, or steer the outcome.

You’ll hear:

•  Why this stage of parenting feels so emotionally challenging 
•  What’s really happening when you feel the urge to correct or control 
•  How to stay connected to your adult child without agreeing with their decisions 

We’ll also talk about the added layer for Christian moms—how to trust that you’ve raised your children in truth, without feeling responsible to correct or convict them in every conversation.

This episode is honest, practical, and rooted in real-life moments—including a story that might just change the way you see these interactions.

If you’ve ever thought,
 “I wouldn’t choose that…”
 but didn’t know what to do next—

This episode is for you.

If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend!

And if you loved this episode, please rate the show and leave a review so others can find it, too.  

You can also follow me on my socials:

Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

Facebook: Lori Buck Coaching

Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Today, we're talking about something that I don't think we're really prepared for as moms. And it's this moment when your adult child tells you about a decision they've made or something they're doing in their life, and every part of you thinks, no, I would not choose that. And it's not necessarily dramatic. They're not in danger. They're not doing anything terrible. It's not like they're out on the street stealing drugs or running an organized crime syndicate. It's just not what you would choose. Maybe it's a job, maybe it's a relationship, maybe it's a decision about school or money or where they're going to live. But you're sitting there, listening, and you can feel it in your body before you even have a full thought. Your chest tightens a little, your brain speeds up, and all of a sudden, you are five steps ahead playing out how this is going to go. And you're thinking, this isn't a good idea. They are going to regret this. I need to say something. And here's what's tricky about this moment. It feels like love. It feels like you caring. It feels like you being a good mom. But if we're honest, it also feels a little like panic. And as I was thinking about this idea this week, I found myself remembering a story from earlier in my life, back when my husband and I bought our first home. It was a two-bedroom, one and a half bath that we paid$108,000 for, which at the time, in 1997, felt like a whole lot of money to us. The house was small, but it was in this little pocket of downtown Franklin that was just one street over from what a lot of people called the bad neighborhood at the time. But that bad neighborhood was between our street and the street with the most historic and beautiful homes in Franklin. There wasn't a cut-through street from the quote-unquote bad neighborhood to ours. So it was actually just this really sweet, insulated little street of small houses. And it was just a really neat area of downtown Franklin. And we knew that's where we wanted to be. We trusted our realtor. And to us, it felt like we were making a really solid decision. We felt good about it. We lived there for about five years. And when we sold it, we made around$40,000 on it, which at that stage of our life was huge for us. It's what allowed us to move into our next home and to keep going from there. But I remember after we sold it, my mom said something to me that has stuck with me all these years. She said, I'm just so relieved. I really thought you were going to lose a lot of money on that house. And I remember being so caught off guard because I had no idea she felt that way. In her mind, we were making a bad decision. And I remember having two reactions, kind of at the same time. One was a little bit of irritation, like, okay, well, you were wrong for not trusting us. But underneath that, there was something else. There was that realization that she had felt that way the entire time. And she hadn't said a word about it. She didn't try to talk us out of it. She didn't insert herself into the decision. She didn't question us or make us second guess ourselves. She just let us make our own decision. And I've thought about that so many times over the years, because now I'm on the other side of that. And I know how hard that probably was for her. To watch your child make a decision you don't agree with, to feel sure it's not the right call, and to choose not to step in. That stayed with me. And obviously, in that case, she was wrong. We made a great amount of money on it because we knew we were making a wise decision. But now I sometimes find myself in that position of questioning whether or not my children are making good decisions. And sometimes I can feel very clearly what I would do if I were them. And then I have to decide what to do with that. And maybe for you with your adult children, this looks like a job choice that doesn't feel very stable, a cross-country move that doesn't feel like it's the right time or the right place, a relationship you're not sure about, the way they're handling something at work, or how they're spending their time and their money. I know you feel this way because I coach clients that feel this way. And I have friends my age that feel this way. And like I said, sometimes I feel this way myself. And again, it's not that our kids are doing anything clearly wrong. It's just they are making choices that we wouldn't necessarily make. And that creates this internal tension. Because part of you is thinking, I need to say something. And another part of you knows, this really isn't my business, and it's not my job to say anything. And holding that tension, that's the mindset work we're doing here. Because what's happening in that moment isn't always neutral. It's not just you calmly observing a different choice and not being affected by it. Sometimes it's you dealing with your own fears. It's your brain fast-forwarding into the future. What if this doesn't work out? What if they regret this? What if this makes things harder than they need to be? What if they end up living down by the river in a van? And your brain is so convincing, it will build a whole case with evidence, with logic, with urgency. And then it offers you one very clear solution. Step in, say something, help them see what you see, offer your perspective. And again, that feels like love, right? We're just trying to be helpful, but it's coming from a place of fear. And so it can also sometimes feel like panic. And sometimes we get those feelings confused in our body. But here's what I've had to learn. And honestly, what I still continue to learn, this moment is actually not about their decision. Instead, it's about my ability to tolerate no longer being in control of their lives. And that is uncomfortable. Because for so long, being a good mom meant being involved, being thoughtful, helping guide, helping shape. And now you can still have wisdom. You can still have opinions. You can even express those opinions when you're asked for them, but you don't have the authority in the same way. And there's a little bit of grief in that. There's that letting go that happens here that we don't always talk about. So just to get practical, what do you do in that moment when they tell you about a decision they're making that you disagree with? Because that's where it gets real. And for me, it starts with a pause, just like we talked about last week, just like I've talked about on so many of these episodes. Sometimes the very first best tool we have is to pause and not say anything. The goal is just not responding in that first wave of emotion. Because often my first reaction is not my best response. It's just the fastest one. It's just the automatic one that comes out of my mouth. So instead of jumping in, my goal is to try to stay in the conversation instead. I try to remember to say something like, that's really interesting. Tell me more about how you're thinking about that. And even that can feel like a stretch sometimes, because sometimes what I want to say is very different. But staying curious instead of getting corrective, that changes the entire dynamic. It keeps the relationship open and it keeps them talking. And the second thing I remind myself is this not everything I wouldn't choose is wrong. That one has been really grounding for me because it creates just enough space to say, okay, this is different. This is not how I would do it. But different doesn't automatically mean bad. Listen, I am one of those people who likes my dishwasher loaded a certain way and my clothes hung up a certain way and my towels folded a certain way, etc. And this was actually a lesson I learned when I first got married. His way and his family's way was not wrong just because they didn't do it my way. This can be tricky though, because when you feel like you've raised your children the quote unquote right way, and then they start doing things wrong, your brain doesn't like that. But you can just remind yourself and keep reminding yourself when you forget, different does not mean wrong. And the third thing, I don't have to agree with my child to stay connected with my child. That's really the biggest shift. Because connection matters more now than control. And listen, control was always an illusion anyway. Our children are born persons who are going to do what they are going to do. Honestly, anyone who parented a toddler knows you can't control your child, right? We just had several years in between there where we had that illusion of control. And sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to keep that connection open. Stay in the relationship without needing to influence the outcome. And for some of you, like me, there's another layer here too. It's not just your child making a decision, it's your child and their spouse making a decision. And that adds a whole other layer of complexity. Because now your opinion doesn't just land on your child, it lands on someone else's child too. And that's a place where we have to be even more thoughtful, even more grounded, even more willing to step back, close our mouth, and think about the power of our words and how they affect our relationships. I don't ever want to come between my child and their spouse. The Bible says to leave and cleave, and me getting in between that, even accidentally, is not something I should ever do. Which brings me to one more layer to watching our kids live their lives and make their own decisions, the faith layer. Because sometimes this isn't just about watching your child make a decision you wouldn't make. Sometimes it's watching them make a decision that doesn't line up with what you believe. And that can feel a lot heavier. Maybe we see our child living in blatant sin, and we're legitimately worried for their souls. Surely we're supposed to jump in and fix that, right? I think as Christian moms, there's this subtle belief that it's our job to convict our children, to make sure they see what's right, to say something, to remind them. But here's what I've had to remind myself over and over again. I am not the Holy Spirit in my child's life. That is definitely not a job I was ever assigned, nor will I ever be. So it's not actually my job to convict them. It's not my job to turn every conversation we have into a lesson or a correction or a sermon. Because when I do that, it creates distance, not connection. And if you listen to last week's episode, we talked about the book by Jim Burns called Doing Life with Your Adult Children. Keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out. And he has some great things to say about this issue. He reminds us in that book that if our kids were raised in our faith in our homes, they know what we believe. They know our values. They know what we've taught them. You don't have to keep reminding them. You don't have to preach a sermon every time you see them, even if they're doing things that we know are contrary to our faith. At some point, we just have to trust that we have raised them the way we felt called to, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, as the Bible says. We have to trust that they know the truth and that God is at work in their lives in ways that don't depend on us managing things. Remind yourself the Holy Spirit loves your children even more than you do, or ever could, and you can trust your children to Him. Now, here is one caveat to keeping your mouth shut. Sometimes your child will ask you point blank what you think about their decision. Now, you have a couple of options here. You can ask them what they think you think. That's always enlightened. Sometimes they're right, sometimes they're a little bit off the mark, and you can correct that. The other option is to just share your opinion in love in a way that stays true to your faith, but also seeks to keep the connection open with your child. And just one more caveat. I know a lot of parents think that they can use money to control their children. And up to a certain point, you can, of course. I mean, if your kids, your adult kids need your money, they're probably going to do what you require them to do until they don't need your money anymore. That's not what I'm talking about. When I'm thinking about one of the exceptions to this rule is you don't have to pay for your child's poor decisions. Let's say your child is living with their significant other, and you don't agree with that, and you believe it's not biblical. You don't have to pay their half of the rent if you've been helping them with it. You can speak into that, that your child is absolutely able to make their own decisions, but you will not finance what you think are poor or dangerous or just not good for them decisions. Friends, I won't lie, this is not always easy. None of this is. I think one of the hardest shifts in midlife parenting is moving from being the one who directs their every move to being the one who just gets to walk alongside, from being the one who teaches them how to live their lives to being the one on the sidelines who just gets to watch them live it. And just as I said last week, stepping back does not mean you don't care anymore. And it also doesn't mean you stop having opinions. It just means you're learning how to hold those things without needing to control the outcome. And that's a different kind of strength. So, what's mid about the myth life this week? Well, how about when your adult children are the ones questioning your decisions? As most of you know, if you've been listening for a while, I started taking jazz piano lessons last October. And I love it. Like, really love it. And now I've decided I want to learn music theory, which I'm already learning in my piano lessons, but I really want to learn music theory, which apparently is not for the faint of heart. And I've been trying to find an online class that I can do at my own pace, and I just really haven't had much luck with that. And then it hit me, MTSU is about 45 minutes down the road, and that's where my oldest daughter got an incredible music education. So I was talking to her the other day and said, Hey, what do you think about me taking a music theory class at MTSU? Maybe I could audit it, or maybe, I don't know, maybe I'd want to do it for credit if I ever decided to pursue a degree. And she had some questions for me and suggested that I reach out to the director of the School of Music. She was very helpful asking me good questions and helping me think through the email I should send the director, all of that. You know, it was very thoughtful. There were a few why questions in there, but overall, a very helpful conversation. And then that night, we're on FaceTime with her sister, who, as you may or may not know, is getting a music performance degree, a jazz studies major at UT. And somehow it comes up again that I'm thinking about taking a music theory class. And all of a sudden, it's like I'm in a panel interview. Both girls and my husband asking questions all at the same time. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you doing this? What do you want from this? Do you want a degree? Do you know how hard music theory is? And here's the thing: they are not wrong. Both of my daughters are musicians. They've both taken college-level music theory. They know exactly what they're talking about. They are in this situation, the experts. But I just started laughing because I've been sitting over here working on this episode about how we as moms need to step back, not judge, not question, just stay in relationship. And I thought, well, apparently my adult children did not get that memo because they have no problem questioning me. What are you thinking? It was such a good reminder for me, because even though I found it funny, there was a tiny part of me that felt it. That little edge of, hey, if I decide to do this, I've got this. And it made me think about something I learned years ago in premarital counseling that why questions feel like judgment. Because when someone asks why, What we often hear is explain your reasoning. Convince me this makes sense. And I could feel that just a little bit. Not enough to be upset, but enough to notice. And it just gave me so much perspective. Because this is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to have someone question your decisions, even when they mean well, even when they're right, even when they're trying to help. And I think that's what's so mid about midlife. It's this mix of roles. Sometimes you're the one holding back, and sometimes you're the one being questioned. And you're just trying to navigate all of it without overstepping, over-controlling, over-reacting, overexplaining. And maybe that's the work. Not getting it perfect, but just noticing it and choosing how you want to show up next. Well, that's all I've got for you this week, friend. If this week's episode resonated with you, I would love for you to share it with a friend who is in this stage of life too. And if you haven't already, make sure you're following this podcast so you don't miss the next episode because we're continuing this conversation. Next week, we're going to talk about what it looks like when your adult child is struggling and you can't fix it. And that one, that's a hard one too. Alright, friend, I'll see you next week.