How to Have Hard Conversations Without Being Confrontational

If you’ve ever avoided a conversation because you didn’t want to upset someone, this episode is for you. 

So many women in midlife struggle with confrontation—not because they don’t care, but because they were raised to be “good girls.” Good girls don’t rock the boat, don’t complain, and don’t make things uncomfortable. 

But avoiding hard conversations doesn’t create peace—it creates resentment, disconnection, and emotional exhaustion. 

In this episode, I’m breaking down how to have hard conversations without being confrontational. You’ll learn why your brain resists speaking up, how people-pleasing shows up in midlife relationships, and how to approach conversations with clarity and emotional maturity. 

I’ll also walk you through a simple decision filter to help you know when to speak up—and when it’s time to shift your mindset instead. 

Inside this episode, you’ll learn: 

•  How to communicate clearly without over-explaining or apologizing 
•  Why other people’s reactions are not your responsibility 
•  How to stay grounded when conversations feel uncomfortable 
•  What to do when you can’t change the situation—but still want to feel better 

Because healthy relationships aren’t built on avoiding discomfort… they’re built on honesty.
 

If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend!

And if you loved this episode, please rate the show and leave a review so others can find it, too.  

You can also follow me on my socials:

Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

Facebook: Lori Buck Coaching

Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Today, we're talking about something that comes up all the time in my coaching conversations. And honestly, it's one of those things that sounds simple but can feel really hard in real life for a lot of women. We're talking about confrontation. Or maybe a better way to say it is how to have hard conversations without becoming a confrontational person. And here's why so many women struggle with this. We were raised to be quote unquote good girls. Good girls don't rock the boat. Good girls don't complain. Good girls don't make things awkward. Good girls keep the peace and make things easier for everyone else. And friend, that might have worked for you at some point in your life. But in midlife, it starts to cost you. Because when you don't say what needs to be said, it doesn't just disappear. It turns into frustration. It turns into resentment. And over time, it starts to impact your relationships. So let's dive into it. Today I want to start with an example. And let me just say this isn't one specific client story. Instead, it's a scenario I've seen play out over and over again in different ways. But here's one you'll probably all be somewhat familiar with. It's a mom and her teenage son. He's probably 14 or 15, and something starts to shift. He's pulling away a little. He's spending more time in his room. His tone is a little shorter, a little more dismissive. One might even say he's a bit disrespectful. And then there are the everyday things. The dishes he's leaving in the sink, the laundry he forgets to remove from the washing machine, the trash that doesn't get taken out unless mom reminds him at least three times. And every time it happens, she notices it. She feels that little internal reaction that says, Why am I having to remind him to do his chores? Why can't he just look around and see the messes he's made? Why is this all on me? But instead of saying something, she pauses because she's thinking, I don't want to start an argument, I don't want him to get mad at me, it's gonna become a whole thing, I don't want to push him farther away. So instead, she lets it go. She does the dishes, she moves the laundry, she picks up the slack, and on the outside, everything stays relatively calm. But on the inside, she's getting more and more frustrated, more and more resentful, and honestly, a little disconnected from him too. And she doesn't always connect those two things. She thinks she's keeping the peace, but what she's actually doing is avoiding a conversation that might create a healthier kind of peace. And I've seen this show up in a lot of places with my clients, with teenage sons, with adult kids, with mothers, with in-laws, with friends, with coworkers, with bosses. It's the same pattern, just played out in a little different way. And here's what I want you to see. Most of us were never taught how to do confrontation well. We were either taught avoid it at all cost and keep the peace, or speak up, but it comes out sharp, reactive, or emotional. So we start to believe those are the only two options. But they're not. Here's the truth: you don't need to become a confrontational person to have a necessary conversation. Confronting someone and being confrontational are not the same thing. Being confrontational is about how it comes out. Reactive, emotional, or maybe even a little aggressive. Confronting is simply being willing to tell the truth calmly, clearly, and honestly. And the reason most of us avoid it isn't because we don't know what to say. It's because we don't want to feel what might come afterwards. The awkwardness, the tension, the possibility that someone might be upset with us. So we avoid the conversation, but we don't avoid the consequence because that feeling that we have inside doesn't go away. It just turns into resentment. So here's the question we have to learn how to answer. Do I need to say something or do I need to solve something internally? Because not every situation requires a conversation. But every situation does require emotional responsibility. You'll likely need to say something when there's a pattern that keeps happening, or it's affecting your relationship. You're starting to feel resentment build. Or you're expecting the other person to change without telling them how. Once you've figured out whether you need to say it or whether you need to solve it, you're probably going to need a few tools. So let's start with when the answer is you need to say something. Tool number one, clean communication. This is where we take out blame, over-explaining, emotional buildup, and we keep it simple and clear. When this happens, I feel this, and I would prefer that. You don't need a long explanation, you don't need to justify it, you don't need to soften it so much that it loses its meaning. Clarity actually builds trust in relationships, even if it feels uncomfortable in the moment. Because disconnection isn't created when we're honest, it's created when we stay silent and let resentment build underneath the surface. Tool number two, let them have their reaction. This is honestly the part that keeps most women stuck. You think if I say how I really feel, they're going to be upset. And your brain immediately wants to shut the whole thing down. But here's the shift: their reaction is not your responsibility. You are responsible for being respectful and clear. You are not responsible for them agreeing, them liking it, them having zero emotion about it. And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is not get pulled into managing their reaction. The most effective thing I used to do with my kids when I needed them to do a chore that I knew they were going to complain about was to tell them what I expected and then immediately turn and walk away. We didn't need a 15-minute discussion about whether or not they felt like doing it. I knew they didn't. I knew they had feelings about it. And I knew I didn't need to worry about that. Some things just need to be done without commentary and without an argument. And nine out of 10 times, they were so surprised they would just do it. When you stop engaging in that back and forth, you stop reinforcing the resistance. Tool number three, stay in the discomfort. This is the part that we talked about before, but you probably weren't taught when you were growing up. And it is one of the most important things you can learn. Nothing has gone wrong if you feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean you said it wrong. That doesn't mean you should take it back. That doesn't mean you need to fix it. It just means you're doing something new. Emotional adulthood is the ability to feel discomfort without escaping it, without backtracking, without overexplaining, without trying to smooth it over so everyone feels better right away. Because when you rush in to relieve the discomfort, you often undo the very boundary you were trying to set. Learning to sit in that moment where it feels a little tense, a little awkward, that's where real change starts to happen in your relationships. Now, let's talk about the other side. Because sometimes you're going to decide you don't need to have the conversation. And that's okay. But you also don't need to stay stuck in that frustration either. So here are some tools that can help you with that. Tool number four, separate the facts from the story. What is actually happening and what are you making it mean? So one example would be: my coworker writes short emails. That's the fact. Or the fact could just be my coworker writes emails. Now, here's the story, or here's what you're making it mean. She's disrespectful, and I hate working with her. That story right there, that is what is creating your emotional experience. When you can separate those two things, the facts and the story, you create space. Space to choose how you want to think about it instead of just reacting automatically. Because most of the time, it's not the situation itself that's causing your suffering. It's the meaning your brain is assigning to it. Tool number five, choose a more helpful thought. Now, I've said it before, I'll say it again. This does not mean that you jump into something fake or overly positive or Pollyanna. This is just about choosing something that actually helps you show up better. Something like, this is just how my coworker communicates. I don't have to take this personally. I can handle working with people I don't necessarily enjoy. The goal isn't to love the situation or try to trick yourself into thinking this situation is great. But the goal is to stop making it harder than it already is. Because when you shift your thinking, you shift your experience, even if the other person never changes. Tool number six, take back your emotional responsibility. And this, friends, is really the heart of all of it. You don't need anyone else to change for you to feel better. And I know that can feel a little bit uncomfortable at first or even untrue, because part of us wants them to change. But when you're waiting on someone else to behave differently so you can feel okay, you are giving away your power. But when you take responsibility for your own thoughts and your own experience, you take that power back. And that is where peace actually comes from. And this is especially important in midlife because this is the season where we stop being the woman who keeps everything smooth. Honestly, we don't have the estrogen for that anymore. And this is also where we start becoming the woman who tells the truth with love, with clarity, and with emotional maturity. So, friend, here is what I want you to take with you today. You don't need to avoid hard conversations. And you also don't need to bulldoze your way through them either. You just need to learn how to ask, do I need to say something or do I need to solve something inside myself? And then trust yourself enough to do that work. Because healthy relationships aren't built on avoiding discomfort. They're built on honesty and the willingness to stay in it. So, what's mid about the midlife this week? Well, I had cataract surgery today, Tuesday, which is why this podcast might be a little late. Or I might actually get it done in time. That's still yet to be seen. But anyway, let me just set the scene for you. I'm in pre-op. One eye is completely filled with drops and gel, and so I have it closed. The other eye has one of those plastic protective patches over it. So essentially, I can't see anything. And I'm lying flat on my back on a hospital bed, covered in a warm blanket, wearing a hair cap, just really at my most glamorous. And I hear two different male voices going around talking to patients about anesthesia. One sounds kind and normal, and the other one, let's just say, sounds a little more confident. And I remember thinking, I already know exactly which one I'm going to get. And sure enough, a few minutes later, the mansplainer arrives. He starts asking me about my history with anesthesia, and I tell him when I was 17, I had my wisdom teeth removed, and they used volume, and I woke up hysterical. So ever since then, I've always listed it under allergies or reactions. And I start explaining that I'm not actually sure if it was the volume or if it was emergence delirium, because my daughter had pretty significant emergence delirium as a child anytime she had a procedure. And he immediately cuts me off saying, I'm not concerned about your daughter right now. I am just concerned about you. And I'm lying there, completely unable to see this man, thinking, Sir, I am not telling you that story for fun. But instead of arguing with him, I just calmly say, Well, we've never really determined if it was the Valium or if emergence delirium just runs in my family. He says, Oh, and then proceeds to tell me they'll be using Versed, which is in the same family as Valium. Have I had it before? Yes. How did I react? And I tell him, they gave it to me after my emergency C section, which was after 18 hours of labor, so it completely knocked me out, and I don't remember having any issues. And then, this was my favorite part. He says, Well, Versed is designed to relax you, so you were probably just exhausted from the 18 hours of labor, which is why it completely knocked you out. Friends, at this point, you really just have to laugh. Yes, that is exactly why I mentioned the 18 hours of labor. Thank you for connecting those dots for me, because I, as a woman who experienced said labor in C-section, had no idea how exhausting it was. But here's the thing. Of course I didn't say any of those things. I didn't need to argue. I didn't need to try to correct him. I didn't need him to suddenly become self-aware and realize how ridiculous he sounded. I just thought, yep, this is a mansplainer, and he will continue to mansplain to every patient he has. And I also knew I had zero desire to manage that man or that situation. There was nothing for me to fix. So I just said, hmm, and waited for the verse ed, which I knew was going to calm me down, and honestly, probably helped me care a whole lot less about anything he was saying. And that, my friends, is a perfect example of a situation where you just solve it in your own mind and you move on. Because fixing a mansplainer is not my job nor my responsibility. Well, friend, that's all I have for you this week. If this episode resonated with you, I would love for you to share it with a friend who might need it too. That's how this message gets out to more women who are in. The same season of life. And if you haven't already, make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss any upcoming episodes. And if you would like to find out more about coaching, you can find me on social media at Lauriebuck Coaching or at my website, Loribuckcoaching.com. That's L O R I B U C K Coaching.com. I'll see you next week.