Why You’re Still Triggered (Even After Doing the Work)

Have you ever thought, “I’ve worked on this… so why is it still bothering me?”

You’ve done the work. You understand your patterns. You’re trying to respond differently.
And yet—you still get triggered.

In this episode, we’re talking about why emotional triggers don’t just disappear—even after growth—and why that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

If you’ve ever felt frustrated with yourself for still reacting, still feeling hurt, or still getting pulled into the same patterns, this conversation will help you understand what’s really happening.

We’ll cover:

•  What emotional triggers actually are (and why they stick around) 
•  Why growth doesn’t mean you stop having reactions 
•  The difference between being triggered and how you respond 
•  How to stop judging yourself for where you are in the process 
•  Simple, practical tools to handle triggers with more awareness and self-trust 

We’ll also talk about giving yourself more grace in this season—and why learning to respond differently matters more than trying to never feel triggered again.

If you’ve been wondering why you’re “still dealing with this,” this episode will help you see that nothing has gone wrong.

You’re not broken.

You’re learning.

If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend!

And if you loved this episode, please rate the show and leave a review so others can find it, too.  

You can also follow me on my socials:

Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

Facebook: Lori Buck Coaching

Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. So, if you've been listening for a while, you know we do a lot of mindset work around here. And if you're anything like me, I'm guessing you've had some moments where you think, I've worked on this issue for a while now. So why is it still bothering me? What is wrong with me? And maybe that thing that causes you to react is something your husband says, or maybe it's something your adult child does, or it could even just be a tone that you can feel coming through a text message. But whatever it is, suddenly you feel it. You feel it in your body, that familiar reaction, that tightening of the chest, or that feeling of unease in your stomach, or that frustration, hurt, or irritation that you feel bubbling up inside of you. And then right behind it comes this thought: why am I still getting triggered by this? I should be further along by now. I thought I'd already worked through this. If you've ever had that experience, this episode is for you. Because today we're going to talk about why you are still reacting to the same old triggers and why that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. And if you've been doing this kind of work for a while, trying to respond differently, set boundaries, not overreact, but it still feels harder than you expected. This is exactly the kind of thing I help women work through in coaching. I'll share more about that at the end of this episode. But right now, let's start here. First, I want to say being triggered does not mean you haven't grown. It doesn't mean you failed. It doesn't mean you're back to square one. It actually just means you're human. And more specifically, it means your brain is doing exactly what it's designed to do. A trigger is simply an automatic emotional response to something your brain has learned is important. That's it. It's not a sign that something has gone wrong. It's a sign that you are experiencing a familiar pattern. And this is the part I really want you to hear. Doing the work does not erase your emotional patterns overnight. Or put more simply, this work does not make you immune to emotional triggers. Because those patterns took years to build, sometimes decades. And there was lots of repetition, lots of different experiences, there was lots of meaning assigned to those experiences. So of course, that doesn't just disappear overnight. And it doesn't just disappear because you understand them now. Understanding is just step one. It's a big step, but it's just the first step. Rewiring takes practice. And listen, the goal is not even to stop being triggered. The goal is to change how you respond when you are. A lot of frustration that women feel in this area comes from this expectation. If I've worked on this, I shouldn't feel this way anymore. But that's not how emotional growth works. You don't graduate from an emotional reaction. Or, like one of my coaches likes to say, no one gets an off-ramp to the human experience. Not even life coaches. Instead, you just learn to get better at noticing it, allowing the feelings that come up, and then choosing your response. I had a moment like this recently when my husband said something that triggered me. And here's the honest truth: I could not tell you for the life of me what he said. I don't remember. So it obviously wasn't a major issue or anything like that. I just remember having that immediate feeling of, that's not fair, because I felt misunderstood. And feeling misunderstood by anyone is such an emotional trigger for me and has been my whole life. And later I remember thinking, why does being misunderstood still trigger me so much? Especially with my husband. Even if he temporarily misunderstands me, he legitimately understands me like no one else. So essentially, I was judging myself for my reaction. And the judgment of my reaction was causing me more irritation than the original thing to begin with. It was like somehow my reaction itself became the problem. And this is where we make it harder on ourselves. Because now it's not just the trigger, it's the judgment about the trigger. So instead of just feeling hurt or irritation or frustration, now we add on top of that shame, self-doubt, and judgment, and that thought, I should be further along by now. This shouldn't still bother me. When we feel these negative thoughts and feelings start to come up, the first thing we should do is just get really curious without judging yourself. And I know I mention that one a lot, but it is a great first reaction to anything you are thinking that causes those feelings to come up. Get curious. Oh, interesting. Here's what my brain is doing. And once you get curious, then you can dig in and try to figure out what's going on. So instead of thinking, I shouldn't feel this way anymore, you can shift to, oh, this is interesting. I'm feeling triggered right now. I wonder what that's all about. And we've talked about this before. That small shift alone, observing what your brain is doing, does several things. It creates space, it lowers reactivity, and it reminds you you are not your reaction. You are the one noticing your reaction. Another thing we can do is to be kind to ourselves by dropping the timeline. There is no finish line, friends, because this is not a race. So let go of the thinking, I should be over this by now, I should be better by now, I should be further along by now. Anything in that vein. That judgment is not true. And it's also not helpful. Because growth doesn't happen on a timeline. Replace that thought with this is just part of the process. It's not a sign that something has gone wrong. And here's another thing we can do. When we notice we're reacting to something we thought we were over or we think we should be over, or we're feeling triggered by something that's an old pattern. Here's something you can do. I've really been leaning into lately, both personally and with my clients. When you find yourself struggling emotionally, ask, what would I say to a friend in this exact situation? Because you wouldn't look at your friend and say, Wow, I can't believe you're still reacting this way. You would say, It's okay. Of course this is hard. Of course you're feeling this way. You're learning something new. And what if you offered yourself that same kind of grace? What if you talk to yourself as kindly as you do your best friend? And here's one more simple but powerful thought we can remind ourselves of. Two things can be true at once. This is actually one of my favorite things to tell myself. You can be triggered and still be growing. You can feel anxious and still be capable. You can have a reaction and still choose how you want to respond. You don't have to resolve the feeling before you move forward. And I just want to say something from a faith perspective as well, because this matters too. Having an emotional reaction is not the same thing as sin. Temptation, irritation, frustration, those things happen. What matters is what we choose to do next, how we respond, how we speak, how we love our neighbor in that moment. Because remember, the Bible doesn't say do not get angry. It says, in your anger, do not sin. That is a big difference. And honestly, it's a reminder that we will get angry, right? But it's also a huge endorsement for pausing in that moment so we can get our thoughts in order and process those feelings and decide on purpose how we're going to respond. So, friend, if you are finding yourself still getting triggered, it doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It just means you're in the middle of learning something new. And remember, it's not hard, it's just new. So what's mid about the midlife this week? Well, apparently realizing you are a passenger princess when it comes to travel. That's what. In the last several years, travel has become really important to us as a family. We save money in places that other people choose to spend so that we can spend money on travel. And for what it's worth, I love international travel. And this summer, I'm planning to meet my youngest daughter in London after she finishes a study abroad in Italy. She's never been to England, and I've been once and absolutely loved it. So this should be amazing, right? Well, here's the mid part. I've made peace with the fact that I am very much a big picture girl. I have great ideas, and then I need someone else to execute those ideas. And that someone is usually my husband because that man is an engineer and he is an excellent planner. He handles all the details, and I literally just show up at the airport, and I was gonna say with my passport, but I usually don't even have my passport because he's carrying that too for the whole family. It's amazing, and I highly recommend it. But on this trip, I'm going by myself to meet my daughter, who will be 20 at the time. So why is my brain acting like I am completely incapable of doing this? I don't know. I've absolutely traveled without my husband before, including traveling internationally. I am a strong, capable woman. And yet, the thought of getting an Uber from Heathrow Airport to wherever I'm staying in London is seriously stressing me out. Now, to be completely transparent, my husband is still planning this trip for me and for our daughter. Remember that passenger princess part? He even booked me on the new direct flight from Nashville to Heathrow, so I don't even have to worry about connections or delays. Did I mention how much he loves me? So really, I have fewer problems than ever. And still, my brain would like to panic. It would like to tell me, you can't do this. You don't know how to do this. You've never ordered an Uber by yourself. And I just keep sitting with it, patting it, saying, I hear you. It's okay. And I also remind myself, I am going to London this summer to meet my daughter. And also, just for the record, I have literally done this before. I took our oldest daughter to London when she was just 13. Now, in all transparency, she did have to help me figure the tube out once we got turned around and were going the wrong way and couldn't figure out what was going on because that child was born with her daddy's sense of direction. And yes, I absolutely looked at my, actually, she was still just 12. She turned 13 the month we got back. But I looked at her and I said, You're going to have to help me. And she did, and she got where we needed to go. She got us where we needed to go. But I did it. We did it. We even took a side trip to Oxford and Bath and figured out the whole tube to the train situation. But here's what I'm realizing about myself, and specifically this trip. As I said earlier, two things can be true at once. I can feel anxious and still meet my daughter in London. I can feel overwhelmed by all of the options and still figure it out one step at a time. I can be strong and capable and also need a minute to process. And to be perfectly honest, choosing where to stay, apparently, that's my breaking point. There are so many options I just shut down. And my poor husband has been justifiably frustrated with me about that because he's been looking at all these different options and showing them to me. And honestly, they all just run together. But the good news is we did pick a place, actually, three places. One in London, one in Bath, and one in Windsor. And they are all refundable until July. So I can absolutely change my mind three, two, five more times if I need to. Or I can just show up and marvel about what my husband essentially picked out for me and just smile and say, looks great. Honestly, this whole thing feels very midlife to me. Because I think sometimes in this season we get a little more aware of our discomfort, right? Maybe it's our lack of hormones, or maybe it's that we've built lives that feel really safe and predictable. And maybe we just don't love being out of our comfort zone that much anymore. But I also know this about myself. I love travel. I love new experiences, and I know I will absolutely love it once my Uber gets me to our flat in London and my youngest daughter walks through the door. That is the part I just keep setting my mind towards. And maybe that's part of this whole conversation today. Just because your brain is reacting doesn't mean you're not capable. It doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. And it definitely doesn't mean you shouldn't go on that trip. It just means you're doing something new or something outside of your comfort zone. And that's okay. You can do it because it's going to be fine, fine, just fine. Well, friend, that's all I've got for you this week. You don't have to rush yourself through this process. Growth doesn't look like never being triggered again. It looks like noticing sooner, recovering a little faster, and responding with more intention over time. And if you need help working through some of the triggers in your life, coaching can help. I offer free consultation calls to see if coaching is right for you. If you're interested, you can find me on social media at LoriBuck Coaching or at my website, LaurieBuckcoaching.com. That's L-O-R-I V U C K Coaching.com. I'll see you next week.