When College Kids Come Home for the Summer: How to Welcome Them Back Without Losing Your Mind

Your college kid is almost home — and you have feelings about that.

You're excited. You've missed them. You've maybe already planned their favorite meals.

And you're also a little nervous about what it's going to look like when two very different sets of expectations collide under the same roof.

In this episode, we're talking about how to welcome your college kid home for the summer — with more peace, more connection, and a lot less conflict.

We'll cover:

• Why the transition home is harder than it looks — for both of you
• How to have the expectations conversation before they ever pull into the driveway
• Why you should give them a few days before you dive into the rules
• What it means that everyone has changed — not just them
• Practical tools for managing your own thoughts when the summer isn't going the way you pictured
• A gentle word for the moms whose kids aren't coming home at all this summer

Whether your college kid is coming home for the whole summer, half the summer, or not at all — this episode is for you.

Because loving them well in this season doesn't mean controlling the outcome. It means showing up with intention, grace, and a willingness to meet them where they are now.

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Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

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Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. If you have a college kid, you probably know what time it is. Finals are wrapping up, dorms are being packed, family group chats are blowing up about moving logistics. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, your college kid is coming home. And here's the thing: you've been looking forward to this. You've missed them. You've thought about this moment. And maybe you've already planned some of their favorite meals for when they get back. And then they arrive. And by day three, you find yourself thinking, why is there a pile of shoes by my front door? Why is every light in this house on? Why are they sleeping until noon and keeping the kitchen open until 2 a.m.? Sound familiar? If you have ever loved someone deeply and also found them a bit disruptive to your household rhythms, this episode is for you. Because today we're going to talk about how to genuinely welcome your college kid home for the summer without losing your peace, your routines, or your mind. But first, let's normalize your feelings. Before we get into the practical stuff, I just want to say something important. If you're feeling a complicated mix of emotions right now, excited and anxious, happy and maybe a little overwhelmed, grateful, but also already bracing yourself a bit, that does not make you a bad mom. It makes you a human mom. You spent the last several months building a new normal. Or you've spent a few years developing new routines. A quieter house, different rhythms. Maybe you've even reclaimed some time, some space, some peace. And now someone is coming back into that space. Someone you love deeply, but someone whose rhythms and expectations may look very different from your own. That transition is real, friends, and it deserves a little attention before they walk through the door. So, what actually causes the friction here? Well, here's what I see happen most often with my clients. Moms expect the relationship to pick up exactly where it left off in high school, especially if this is your first child coming home. But the college kids have spent nine months becoming more independent. And both mom and student are a little surprised by this gap. Your college kid has been making their own schedule, eating whenever they want, sleeping in as long as they want, coming and going without checking in with anyone. And you've been running a household, keeping your own routines, not waiting up for your child, not thinking about that child every moment, right? You've both been away from each other. Neither of those things is wrong. They're just different. And when two different sets of expectations collide under the same roof, that's where the friction comes in. So, what do you do with that? Well, the goal probably shouldn't be to go back to how things were. The goal should be to figure out how to do this new version of family well. Because your relationship with your college kid is changing. And that's actually a good thing, even when it feels uncomfortable. So, one of the most practical things you can do happens before they ever pull into the driveway. Have a conversation. Not a lecture, not a list of rules, just a conversation. And in that conversation, you want to cover a few things. What does the summer look like for them? Do they have a job? Internship? Classes? I mean, honestly, you probably know some of these things already, but maybe not. Are they planning to have a social life that looks more like college than high school? Friends, the answer to that one is yes. And what does this summer look like for you? What rhythms matter to you? What are your non-negotiables around things like noise, shared spaces, meals together, etc.? This is not about control. This is about clarity for both of you. Because most of the conflict that happens when your kids come home for the summer isn't really about the shoes by the door or the dishes in the sink. It's about unspoken expectations that nobody talked about. And remember, unspoken expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen. And pro tip, yes, they are your child, but they're also now young adults who have been on their own for at least nine months, some for a few years. The more you can let go and treat them like the young adults that they are versus the high school students that they were, the smoother this transition will be. So here are a few tools you can use to help with the summer transition. Tool number one, give them a few days first. If you've already had the expectation conversation before they came home, great, you're ahead of the game. But if you haven't had that yet, it's okay. Or if you had it and it doesn't quite seem to be sinking in yet now that they're actually home, I want to give you one piece of advice that might go against your instincts. Give them a few days to re-enter home life. I know you have things you want to say, expectations you want to revisit. Maybe a little follow-up speech you've been mentally rehearsing while they were sleeping in till 1 p.m. But here's what I want you to know about your college kid when they first walk through that door. They are exhausted. And I mean truly, deeply running on fumes, utterly exhausted. Think about it. The last few weeks of a college semester are brutal. They're filled with final projects, last-minute papers, end of semester concerts, juries, plays, or portfolios for the fine art majors, exams back to back, late nights, early mornings, living on caffeine and determination. And maybe they've also had more than one emotional breakdown. And then they pack it all up, say goodbye to their new people they've met and bonded with, and then they make the trip home. By the time they arrive at your door, their body is done. So don't be alarmed if they sleep for, you know, 18 hours the first few days they're home. Don't read into the fact that they seem a little out of it, a little quiet, maybe even a little sick, because a lot of them do get sick. It seems like almost every one of my kids would get sick as soon as they got home. And face it, their immune systems are running on empty. So the moment they finally stop, their body catches up. So let them sleep, let them rest, let them have a few days to a week to just be home. The conversation can wait, the expectations can wait, their body really needs to recover first. And honestly, you will get a much better version of that conversation once they've slept, eaten some real food that's good for them, and remembered what it feels like to be a human again. Tool number two, name your non-negotiables. Just a few, but know them before you talk. So, before that conversation, you've got a little work to do. Ask yourself, what are the two or three things that if they happened all summer would really affect my peace? Maybe it's the kitchen being left a mess at night. Maybe it's not knowing when they'll be home at night. Maybe it's feeling like they're just passing through, never present, always somewhere else. Get clear on what actually matters to you. Because if everything is a non-negotiable, nothing is. Pick two or three and let the rest go. Tool number three, remember, everyone has changed, not just them. This one is a little harder, but it matters so much. Your college kid is not the same person who left last August. They've grown, they've changed, they've probably had some experiences that shape them in ways that you don't fully know yet. But here's what we often forget: you have changed too, and so have their siblings. Just like we sometimes freeze our kids in time and our minds, still seeing them as the virgin who walked out the door last fall, they do the exact same thing with us. They come home expecting to find the family they left. Same rhythms, same dynamics, same sibling relationships. And sometimes that's not what they find. I experienced this firsthand with my own kids. When my middle daughter went off to college, my youngest and I got incredibly close. We had three years of just the two of us at home. All day, every day. Remember, I was a homeschool mom. So we were just doing life together with her daddy too at night, but she and I spent a crazy amount of time together. And it was honestly such a sweet season, one that I look back on with so much tenderness. But when my middle daughter came home, she wasn't used to seeing her sister and me with that kind of closeness. She wasn't used to her little sister having such a grown-up presence in the house. And it was an adjustment for everyone. But now the shoe is completely on the other foot because that same middle daughter moved back home after college graduation. And now my youngest is the one adjusting to having her sister back in the house, back close to mom. The sibling dynamics shift every single time someone moves in or out. And nobody really warns you about that. So as you welcome your college kid home this summer, remember the adjustment isn't just theirs to make. Things like, what was the best part of your year? What surprised you about yourself? What are you most looking forward to this summer? Those conversations will do more for your relationship than any rule you could set. Tool number four, manage your own thoughts about what this should look like. Here's where the coaching framework I teach really comes in. A lot of the frustration we feel when college kids come home comes from our thoughts. Thoughts like they should be more grateful, they should want to spend time with us, they shouldn't be sleeping half the day. This isn't what I pictured. And those thoughts create feelings. Feelings of disappointment, resentment, hurt. And those feelings drive how we show up. That edge in our voice, the loaded silence at dinner, the comment we didn't mean to make, but we made anyway. So the work isn't just about setting expectations with them. It's about examining our expectations of ourselves and this season. What story are you telling yourself about what this summer should look like? Is that story helping you, or is it creating unnecessary pain? Because here is what I know to be true. Your kid coming home is not the problem. Your thoughts about how it's going are where the experience is actually created. Now, before I move on, I want to stop and speak to a group of moms who might be listening to this episode with a completely different kind of ache. Because not every college kid is coming home this summer. Some of them have internships in other cities, some have jobs, research programs, some are classes, some are just staying put, building their lives where they are. And if that's your situation, I want you to know the feelings you're having about that are completely valid. Pride and grief can exist in the same moment. You can be so proud of who they are becoming and still feel the weight of another summer without them under your roof. For what it's worth, I was that kid. I never really moved back home once I left for college. Summers were mine. One summer I worked at Dollywood, living with friends of the family. Another summer, I lived in a house the local museum owned. They needed it occupied for insurance purposes while they were deciding what to do with it. So they let me and two of my sorority sisters live there rent-free. I slept on a mattress, on the floor, in a house with no air conditioning in the summer, in the south. And yet I was completely, perfectly content with that situation. I was out there living my independent life. And I am sure, in the way that only a mom now understands, that it was hard on my mother. She was probably feeling exactly what you might be feeling right now. So if your child is not coming home this summer, here's what I want you to hold on to. Their not coming home is not a reflection of how much they love you. It is a reflection of how well you have raised them. You raised someone who is grabbing on to opportunities and with ambition, with a life worth showing up for. You did a great job, mom. Grieve it if you need to. That's healthy and honest. And then find ways to stay connected across the distance. A standing FaceTime date, a care package, a visit you plan on purpose. The relationship doesn't require the same roof. It just requires intention. And tool number five, find the joy on purpose. Okay, this is the last one because I don't want this episode to be all about managing conflict and setting expectations. I want you to also be intentional about the good stuff. Because this season, college kids home, everybody under one roof, it is actually a gift. It won't always be like this. Someday they'll have their own families, their own holidays, their own lives. So while they're here, even if they sleep too late and leave dishes in the sink and come home later than you'd like, find one thing every week that you want to do together. One dinner that matters, one movie, one errand you run together where you just get to talk. Don't wait for it to happen organically. Create it on purpose. Open your calendar. Get them to open their calendar and put it into both. And I just want to add a little something from a faith perspective, because you know, that's me, the Christian life coach, and it fits here. There's a passage in Colossians 3 that says, bear with each other and forgive one another as the Lord forgave you. Bear with each other. That phrase always strikes me because it implies that being in relationship with our neighbor, especially our closest neighbors, our family, you know, the ones who live in our house, sometimes requires bearing something, a little friction, a little discomfort, a little irritation. And that's not a sign that something is wrong with your family. It's just the reality of love and close quarters. Grace for them and grace for yourself too. So what's mid about the midlife this week? Well, my youngest daughter is coming home for the summer. Sort of. She's coming home and then she's leaving for six weeks to do a study abroad. And then she's coming back for maybe three days, and then she moves back to school. So she's half home, which means I'm half excited and half already doing the math on how long she'll actually be here. And honestly, it's a little funny and a little bittersweet all at once, which, if you've been listening for a while, you know is basically the definition of midlife, right? Here's the thing about my youngest. She's a music performance major and a working musician, which means even when she is home, she has hours of practice and maybe some gigs she's found this summer, and friends to catch up with, and most definitely a schedule that belongs entirely to her. She is very much living her life on purpose. And I love that for her. And I also miss her a lot. Remember, two things can be true at once. And she's not the only one I miss. Her brother lives in Knoxville with his wife, and his summers at home are long behind us. But when summer rolls around, I miss him and my daughter-in-law a little more. I would love for them to live here, but that's not where God has them right now, and I'm okay with that. And their sister, my middle child, has done her own version of coming and going over the years. And she's landed back home for now, and we couldn't be more happy about that. But she misses her siblings too. I actually happened to look at Life 360 last night, and three of us were at home, and three of us were at my son's house. And yes, I took a picture because I'm sentimental like that. And I sent a message to the family text thread, and I said, if we can't all six be together, at least we're in groups of three. So I guess what I'm saying is that Jeff and I are well into the season of kids who are building their own lives. And most of the time, I'm able to hold that with an open hand and lots of grace. But then summer comes and I think, okay, our youngest will be home. Life will be back to quote unquote normal again. This will be good. And she will be for a few weeks before she leaves the country. I have mentioned she is studying music in Italy. And I get to meet her in London after her program is through. And that is not mid at all. That's actually really good. But the in-between part, the half-home summer, the counting the weeks, the knowing she's going to leave before she's barely unpacked. That's one of the mid parts of midlife. And I'm just gonna sit with it, feel the good parts on purpose, and drive her to the airport with a smile on my face and try not to cry until she's out of my sight. Because that's what we do, friends. We love them well and we let them go. Over and over and over again. But here's what I want you to take with you today. You're a college kid coming home is not a problem to solve. It's a transition to navigate. And you can do that with intention, with grace, and with a lot of. More joy than you might expect. Especially if you go in with clear expectations, an open heart, and a willingness to meet them where they are now. You've got this. Well, friend, that's all I've got for you this week. If you're navigating this transition and finding it harder than you expected, whether it's the relationship with your college kid, the shift in your household, or just your own emotions around this season, coaching can help. I offer free consultation calls to see if coaching is right for you. If you're interested, you can find me on social media at Loribuck Coaching or at my website, Loribuckcoaching.com. That's L-O-R-I-B-U-C K Coaching.com. I'll see you next week.