50 Episodes In: The 5 Mindset Shifts That Help Me Survive (and Thrive) in Midlife

Have you ever felt like you should have midlife more figured out by now — but somehow the ground just keeps shifting beneath you? You're not alone. And you're not broken.

In honor of 50 episodes of Loving That Midlife, Lori is sharing the five mindset shifts that she comes back to again and again — both in her coaching practice and in her own life. These are the shifts that don't just sound good. They actually change things.

In this episode, you'll hear about:

 •  Why you can trust yourself far more than you think you can — and how to start building that trust

 •  The difference between solving midlife and navigating it (and why that shift changes everything)

 •  The most expensive thought most midlife women carry — and the story from Lori's own 40th birthday that illustrates it perfectly

 •  Why identity isn't something you find in midlife — it's something you build, one choice at a time

 •  How to treat your feelings as data instead of directions — and what emotional adulthood actually looks like

Plus — a Midlife Moment about what it’s like to put something out into the world and wonder if it’s actually making a difference.

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Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

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Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Today is an auspicious day, friends. Why, you might ask? Well, you are listening to episode 50 of Loving That Midlife. And I'm just gonna let myself celebrate that for just a second before we get into today's episode. Because 50 episodes is not nothing. It's actually a pretty big something. I recently learned from the Google that only around 10% of podcasts ever reach 50 episodes, which means we are either doing something really right around here, or I'm just too stubborn to quit. Probably a little bit of both. And if you've been with me since the beginning, or even just listened to a few handful of these podcasts, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You've no idea what it means to me that you show up every week to listen to me. And you aren't even related to me. At least most of you aren't. Now, I could spend this whole episode looking backward, doing a full retrospective on the podcast journey, what I've learned, what surprised me, and all of that. But I'm gonna save the real deep dive for episode 55 when we hit the one year mark. Because today I want to give you something. 50 episodes in, I've been teaching this material, coaching real women, and doing my own mindset work week after week. And there are a handful of shifts that have come up again and again. Shifts that, when they actually land in your body and brain, can change everything. Not just for my clients, but for me too. So today, in honor of 50 episodes, I'm sharing five of those shifts with you. Five mindset shifts that I believe have the power to genuinely change how you move through midlife. But first, I just want to say if something I teach keeps coming up for you week after week, if you find yourself nodding along and thinking, I need to actually do this work, but I don't know how, that's what coaching is for. And I will share more about that at the end of the episode. Okay, let's get into it. Mindset shift number one. You can trust yourself more than you think you can. I want to tell you something about this podcast. There have been weeks, more than a few, where I've wondered if I was going to be able to get an episode done. There were weeks where life was really chaotic, or where I was tired, or when I went to sit down to write, and absolutely nothing came to mind. But every single week, I got it done. Not always in a way that felt spectacular or like I hit it out of the park. Not always on my ideal timeline. But Wednesday comes and the episode goes out 50 times now without missing a week. And I was only late by a few hours one time, and it was not because it wasn't done, but because I accidentally pushed the wrong button. And here's what I've learned that I want you to hear. Your past self has a track record, and it's probably better than you're giving her credit for. Think about something hard you've done already, something you weren't sure you could get through, something that might have felt impossible at the time. But guess what? You got through it. And the next hard thing, you'll get through that too. Maybe you won't do it perfectly. Maybe you'll hit the finish line a little sweaty, a bit disheveled, but you'll do it. Self-trust isn't something that you either have or you don't. It's something you build by keeping promises, small promises, to yourself over and over, by showing up when it would be easier not to, by doing the thing even when you're not sure you can, or even when you don't really feel like it. So the question to sit with this week is where in your life are you not trusting yourself? And what would it look like if you did? Shift number two. Midlife is not a problem to solve, it's a season to navigate. Here's what I see happen so often. Women come into the season expecting that at some point things will settle down, right? That they'll get their feet under them, that the changes will stop and life will feel stable again. And when that doesn't happen, when the changes just keep coming, they start to think something is wrong with them, with their life, with their people. But here's the truth: midlife is one of the most dynamic shifting seasons of a woman's life. Kids leaving, roles shifting, marriages evolving, bodies changing, parents aging, careers pivoting, identity fluctuating. That's not a malfunction. That's just the season we're in, friend. And the mindset shift, the one that changes everything, is going from fighting the change to learning to move with it. Because the suffering in this season is almost never caused by the change itself. It's caused by the resistance to the change and your thoughts about it. So the goal isn't to find solid ground. The goal is to get comfortable navigating the changing waters. So the question I want you to sit with there is where am I spending energy trying to make this season something it isn't? And what would it feel like to just let it be what it is? Shift number three. And this one is personal. I remember the night before I turned 40. I was at dinner with one of my dearest friends. We were actually at a homeschooling convention here in town, and she took me out to Chewy's to celebrate my birthday. And I remember looking at her across the table and saying something like, I thought I might feel old at 40, but I don't really. Instead, I just kind of feel disappointed. I thought I'd be better by now. Because, friends, I had this picture in my head of who I thought I would be at 40. I thought I'd be organized and put together with a stylish wardrobe in a spotless home. I also had this vision of the perfect homeschool that lived inside my head, where my children sat around the table listening to read alouds and writing out their dictations and loving every minute of homeschooling. And that is kind of funny when I think about it now. Because had I ever even met myself, I'm not sure why I had that vision. Because when I look back at my life at that time, it was a little messy. I had a lackluster closet. And I was a woman who felt like I was failing at all of it. And that gap between that perfect picture I had in my head and the reality of my real life was where all the pain lived. Now, 13 years later, I can see the truth of that season so much more clearly. I am a big picture creative person who has always found myself a bit lacking in executive function, especially back then. My house was messy, but it was never disgusting. My clothes were comfortable and appropriate for my life, if not super fashionable. And I was not a failing homeschool mom. I was a good enough homeschool mom. And my love for my kids covered a multitude of what I thought were failures. But I couldn't see any of that through the lens of it shouldn't be this way. And that thought, in some form or another, is the most common, most painful thought I hear from my clients. Sometimes it's about themselves. I should be further along by now. I thought I'd have it more together. I shouldn't still be struggling with this. Sometimes it's about their circumstances, a hard marriage, a struggling child, a tough season that just won't let up. And that thought, this shouldn't be so hard. Either way, it's the gap that creates the pain, not the reality. The distance between where you are and where you thought you'd be is what is often causing you the most pain. And the shift, the one that cost you nothing, but gives you everything, is this. What if where I am is not a mistake? I believe, and this is where my faith really informs me, that God's plan for our lives doesn't have the same gap problem that our brains do. He's not looking at where you are right now and thinking, she shouldn't be there. I can't do anything with her. No, he is working in the middle of exactly where you are. And he is working all things for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. So the question to sit with is this Where am I living in the gap between the life I pictured and the life I have? And what would it feel like to close that gap? Not by changing my circumstances, but by letting go of that picture. Shift number four, identity isn't found. It's built one action at a time. One of the most common things I hear from women in midlife is some version of, I don't know who I am anymore. And listen, I understand it. So much of identity in this season has been built around roles, being the one who's needed, the one who holds everything together, the one who anticipates and manages and carries. And when those roles start to shift, when the kids need you a little less, when the house gets quieter, when you have more space than you've had in years, it can feel like, who am I now? Here's the shift. Your identity is not something you go out there and find. And you build it the same way you built it before, through repeated thoughts, repeated choices, repeated ways of showing up. So instead of asking, who am I supposed to be now? Ask, who do I want to become in this season? And here's the part that trips most of us up. We think we need to feel like that version of ourselves before we can act like her. But it actually works the other way. You act and then your identity catches up. You don't wait until you feel confident. You act in a confident way, which then builds more confidence. You don't wait until you feel decisive. You decide, and then that builds self-trust and your ability to decide. Becoming doesn't happen all at once. It happens in small, intentional moments, one choice at a time. So the question to sit with is this who do I want to become in this next season? And what is one small action I could take today that she would take? And finally, ship number five. This is one of the most important things I teach. And one of the hardest to actually live because we're wired to follow our feelings. When we feel afraid, we avoid. When we feel overwhelmed, we shut down. When we feel resentful, we pull away. When we feel anxious, we try to control. And the problem isn't that we feel those things. Feelings are real, they matter. They are telling us something. The problem is when we let them sit in the driver's seat. Because your feelings are created by your thoughts. And your thoughts are not always telling you the truth. So when you feel afraid, that feeling is worth examining. What thought is creating that fear? And is that thought actually true? When you feel resentful, again, that feeling is worth examining. What unspoken expectation isn't being met? What story are you telling yourself about what that means? Your feelings are valid, they're not wrong, but they're not always accurate. And they do not have to determine what you do next. You can feel afraid and do the thing anyway. You can feel overwhelmed and still make one decision. You can feel the feeling without becoming it. This is what emotional adulthood looks like. And it's available to every single one of us. The question to sit with is this. Is there a feeling right now that has been driving my decisions? And what would it look like to treat that as data instead of direction? So, friend, here's a quick recap of the five shifts I want you to take with you from today. You can trust yourself more than you think you can. Midlife isn't a problem to solve, it's a season to navigate. Your identity isn't waiting to be found out there somewhere. You're building it right now, one small choice at a time. And your feelings are data, not directions. You don't have to follow them. You just have to feel them. If even one of those shifts lands for you today, sit with it, write it down. Come back to it when the week gets hard. Because this is the work, friends, and you are worth doing it. So, what's mid about the midlife this week? Well, putting something out into the world every week, and then wondering, does this even matter? That's what I want to tell you something about what it's like to put a podcast out into the world every single week. Some weeks I wonder if any of it is landing with you, the listener. You record, you edit, you publish, and then you just wait. And there are weeks where I feel a little run down about it. A little like I'm sending these episodes out into the void and doubting whether they're making any difference at all. And then something happens. A friend texts me out of nowhere to tell me an episode hit her right when she needed it. My mother-in-law and father-in-law, who listen to every single episode, which I find so sweet, will say something at just the right moment. Or I open up my Apple Podcast app and see a review I wasn't expecting from someone I've never met. And then there was the first time a complete stranger reached out to me on Facebook to tell me how much the podcast meant to her. She had just found the show. She didn't know me at all. And she took the time to say it had helped her in her real life. Honestly, it felt like a gift from the Holy Spirit. And what I've noticed about these moments, the texts, the messages, the reviews, they almost never come when everything feels easy. They come when I need them most. Which, if you think about it, is its own kind of evidence that this work matters. 50 episodes in, it matters. And so do you, friend. So do you. Well, that's all I have for you this week. If any of these mindset shifred something in you, if you found yourself thinking, I need to go deeper on that one. Coaching is exactly the space to do that work. This is what I do. We take these ships from concepts you not along to and turn them into changes you actually live. I offer free consultation calls to see if coaching is right for you. If you're interested, you can find me on social media at LaurieBuck Coaching or at my website, LaurieBuckcoaching.com. That's L-O-R-I B-U-C-K coaching.com. I'll see you next week.