Wake Up to Your Life: How to Find Purpose in the Midlife In-Between

Have you ever found yourself with more space than you've had in years — and somehow that space feels more uncomfortable than you expected? You're not broken. You might just be in the midlife in-between. 

In this episode, Lori gets real about her own experience navigating the season after homeschooling ended, her kids grew up, and her days stopped being built around everyone else's needs. And she talks about what she's learning — for herself and with her clients — about how to actually wake up to the life that's right in front of you. 

In this episode, you'll hear about: 

  •  The three things that tangle together in the midlife in-between: lost identity, lost voice, and drift 

  •  Why "I don't know what I want" is almost never the whole truth — and the coaching question that bypasses it 

  •  How to use journaling to reclaim a voice you've kept quiet for years 

  •  Why rhythm matters more than a schedule — and how the things you do consistently become who you're becoming 

  •  The most important mindset shift for women who are waiting for a better season to start living this one 

Plus — a Midlife Moment about what it actually feels like to have 8am to 6pm mostly to yourself for the first time in decades. (Spoiler: it's a little strange. And also kind of good.) 

This one is personal. And it might be exactly what you needed to hear today. 

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You can also follow me on my socials:

Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

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Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Can I ask you something? When was the last time you felt fully awake to your own life? Not just moving through your days, not just checking things off the list, not just responding to what everyone else needs, but actually feeling present, actually alive to the moment you're in, actually doing something, even something small, that felt like you. For a lot of women in midlife, that question comes with a little bit of a sting, right? Because the honest answer is, I'm not sure. Maybe a while ago. I don't even know what that would look like for me right now. And here's the thing, I get that. I really do. Because not only am I coaching more than one client on this very topic right now, I'm actually in the middle of figuring this out for myself. So if you're in a season where the roles that used to define your days are shifting, where the kids need you differently now, or maybe not as much, where the structure you relied on is gone, where you have more space than you've had in years, and you're not quite sure what to do with it, this episode is for you. And if you find yourself nodding along today, if something in this episode stirs a question you've been afraid to ask, that's exactly the kind of thing that we tackle in coaching. I'll share more about how you can coach with me at the end of this episode. But first, before we get into the teaching, I just want to say something important. If you have found yourself feeling a little lost lately, a little purposeless, a little like you're going through the motions, that does not mean anything is wrong with you. It means you are in a transition. You have spent decades building your life around other people, your kids, your family, your household. You've been the one who anticipates, manages, holds, plans, feeds, shows up, all the things. And now the shape of all of that is changing. And the space that's opening up, the space that you think should feel like freedom, sometimes feels a little bit like emptiness. And friend, that is so normal. And we're gonna talk about what to do with it. So, what's actually going on here? Well, here's what I see with my clients, and honestly, what I see in myself a little bit right now. There are three things happening at once in midlife that tend to tangle together. The first is an identity shift, when the role that structured your days changes when the kids are grown, or when the homeschooling is done, or when your job changes. The question underneath all of that is: who am I now? If I'm not doing that thing that I've always done, who am I? The second is a lost voice. A lot of women in this season have spent so many years organizing their lives around others that they have quietly and gradually stopped knowing what they wanted, what they like, what they would choose just for themselves if somebody actually asked. The voice that knows those things has been quiet for so long that when that space finally opens up, she doesn't even know what to say. And third is drift, just going through the days, laundry, cooking, errands, etc. Waiting for something to happen, waiting for the season to tell them what to do next. And here is the reframe I want to offer you before we go any further. The space that you might be feeling right now is not the problem. The space is the invitation. The question is how you're going to answer it. So I want to give you a few tools to work with here. You know me, I love tools in the toolbox. So here we go. Tool number one, get honest about where you actually are. The first thing we have to do to ourselves or with ourselves, however you want to think about it, is to tell the truth. Not the Instagram version, but the real version. Because a lot of women in this season are performing contentment they don't quite feel. They're saying they're fine when they actually feel a little lost. They're saying they're just taking it easy when they're actually wondering if their life has meaning anymore. So before you can wake up to your life, you have to acknowledge that you might have been a little asleep for a while, not to shame yourself or to put you in any sort of spiral, but just to be honest. Where are you right now? Are you drifting? Are you waiting? Are you hiding? And what is the thought underneath the drift? Because it's usually a thought that sounds like, I don't know what I want to do with my life, or my best years are behind me already. Or it's too late to start something new. I'm too old. Or I should have this figured out by now. Those thoughts are creating feelings. And we know that our feelings drive our actions. And what's happening here for a lot of us is in action. That's an action, choosing in action. And the in action is producing a life that feels like you're just a bystander in your own life. And it's happening to you instead of you actually living it. So the first tool, like I said, is to get honest about your thoughts. Don't judge them, just look at them. Because you can't change what you can't name. Tool number two, the if you did know question. Here is one of my favorite coaching tools. And if you have been one of my clients, I am sure that you have heard it. And it is perfect for this season. When I ask clients what they want or what the season could look like for them, the most common answer I get is some version of I don't know. And here's what's sneaky about that answer: it's almost never true. Usually, I don't know actually means I'm afraid to say what I want out loud. Or I don't think I'm allowed to want that. Or if I do say what I want, someone might think it's silly or not important enough. So when I get that answer, I ask another question. If you did know what you wanted the season to look like, what would you say? And honestly, something usually shifts. Because your brain usually knows. It may have even known for a while. It's just been waiting for permission to say it. Because I don't know is rarely the truth. It's usually just fear, dressed up as uncertainty. It's your brain making sure that you don't move forward doing something new and scary. So your brain just tells you you don't know what you want. So I'm asking you right now, if you didn't know what you wanted in this season, what would you say? Write it down. Don't filter it. Don't edit it before it hits the page. Just let yourself say it. Also, you don't even have to decide what you want a whole season to look like. Maybe you just think about what would a great, fulfilling day look like and write those answers down. Tool number three, reclaim your voice through journaling. Friends, you know, if you've been around, this is one that I use often because it is so helpful. Sometimes we don't even know what we're thinking until we get it down on paper. And I'm not talking about a gratitude list, although those are amazing. I highly recommend those. I'm talking about the kind of journaling where you ask yourself a question and then you actually answer it. You write to figure out what you actually want and what you actually think. For women who have spent years in service to others, journaling can feel almost indulgent at first. Like, who has the time for this? Isn't this a little self-absorbed? No, it's not. It is the practice of listening to yourself. And if you've been quiet for 20 or 30 or 40 years, your voice might need a little practice. So, some questions to start with are these. What do I actually enjoy doing just for me? What have I been waiting to do until some future thing happens? What kind of woman do I want to be in this next season? What would I try if I wasn't afraid to fail? Pick one and write until something real comes out. Tool number four, build a rhythm, not a schedule. One of the things that can happen when the structure that we've had for years or decades disappears from our days is we can start to lose our sense of self that that structure provided. So if you were like me and you were homeschooling three kids, your day had a definite shape. When the kids were small, your day had a shape. It probably wasn't your shape, but it was a shape you had to follow. And now the days can feel more wide open, like there are no boundaries or no edges. And that feeling of freedom lasts for a couple days. And then it can start to feel like you're floating. So here's what I believe. You don't need a rigid schedule. Although some of you might like that, my brain rebels against a schedule. But I do need a rhythm. So what's the difference? A schedule says at 9 a.m. I do this. A rhythm says, most mornings, I get up, I make my bed, I eat a little breakfast, and I listen to the Bible recap. Most evenings, I take my supplements, wash my face, do my nighttime routine, and I get into bed. Right? There's no rigid at 9, 10, 11, I do this, etc. And why do we need a rhythm? Because if you think about it, rhythm turns into identity. Because the things you do consistently become the person you're becoming. So my little rhythm of listening to the Bible recap for 15 minutes every morning means I have become a woman who reads the Bible cover to cover every single year. That amazes me when I think about it. One little rhythm, one little routine can change your whole identity. So if you want to be a woman who is awake to her life, who is curious, intentional, growing, you build small rhythms that remind you of that every single day. Coffee and quiet time before anyone else gets up, a 10-minute journal at the end of the day, a walk after dinner, every evening. Start with one rhythm and just do it. And also, I've talked about this before on the podcast. You can think of your year in 90-day seasons or cycles or quarters, however, your brain wants to think about that. So you want to declutter your basement? Make it a 90-day goal. You want to learn a new hobby, like mahjong, which, side note, seems to be taking over my corner of the world right now. Make it your quarterly goal. Over the year, this adds up and is so much more effective than trying to conquer four or five new things at once. Focus on one at a time and get that goal accomplished and see what you have at the end of the year. And tool number five, stop waiting for the season to end before you start living. This might be the most important tool in the whole episode. There is a version of the midlife in between that can become a very comfortable waiting room. Waiting until the kids are settled, waiting until things feel clearer, waiting for the next season to begin before I fully show up to this one. And I want to gently say that waiting is a choice. It might not feel like a choice. It might feel like circumstances, but it is a choice. Because there is no next season when everything will be settled. There's no settling out there this side of heaven. There's no arrival point where the uncertainty goes away and life finally makes sense. There's only this, this season, this Tuesday, this ordinary, mid, beautiful, imperfect day. So waking up to your life doesn't require better circumstances. It just requires a decision on your part to do it. What is one thing you've been waiting to do or be or try? What would it look like to start just a small version of that this week? Not when things settle, not when things get easier, but right now. And here's one more thing I want to leave you with. It's a question all of us should think about. My yoga instructor and friend loves to quote the poet Mary Oliver. And there's one line she comes back to again and again that I think belongs in this episode. And the line is this quote, tell me what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? End quote. Did you hear that, friend? We only get one life, and it's precious, and you are living it right now, this season, this Wednesday, this in-between time, this is it. And this is the one and only one that you get. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5: Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time. Did you hear that verb in there? Making. I love that. It's active, it's a doing word. You don't wait for the time to reveal itself. You make something of your time. And that is not pressure, friend. That is an invitation. God has given you this season, this specific, strange, in-between, spacious, sometimes quiet, sometimes unsettling season. And He is not standing over there thinking, oh, this is a waste. He is in the middle of it with you, working, forming, waiting with you and for you as you figure out how to walk wisely in your one wild and precious life. So here's what I want you to take with you today. You are not behind. You have not missed your window. The fact that you feel a little lost in this season is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It's a sign that something is changing. The space you have right now, even if it feels uncomfortable, is a gift. You don't have to earn it. You just have to show up. You are awake, friend. Now go live like it. So, what's met about the midlife this week? Well, I have a little confession to make. And you want to know the reason I wrote this episode? Because I needed to hear every single word of it. So that's fun. If you've been around here a while, you know my situation. You know I retired from homeschooling two years ago when my youngest graduated, and she just finished her sophomore year at UTK. My son and daughter-in-law are also in Knoxville making their own life. My middle child has landed back home, which we love. So I take care of the home front and coach clients and do this podcast. And the clients and the podcast take maybe up to 15 hours a week on a full week, which means that most days, from around eight in the morning till six at night, the hours are mine. And listen, you would think, you would think that after 20 plus years of being a stay-at-home mom and homeschooling and managing everyone and everything, I would know exactly what to do at that time. Reader, I do not. Some days I handle it beautifully. I have a lovely morning. I do my coaching work. I go to Pilates. I feel like a person who has her life together. If it's a fancy day, I might even meet a friend for lunch. Other days, I look up and it's 2 p.m. and I've done approximately one load of laundry. I haven't taken a shower, my bed is unmade, and I've scrolled social media watching silly reels about perimenopause. And I think, is this it? Is this what I waited all those years for? And you know, my middle daughter said something to me the other day that made me laugh because it hit a little close to home. She was talking about being in a season without a relationship. She's single now. And she said it was kind of nice because she had zero responsibility to another person. She doesn't have to plan her life around anyone else. And I thought, oh, wow, interesting. That's basically me from eight to six, every day of The week, or at least the weekdays, Monday through Friday. Except I also still do all the laundry and most of the cooking, so it's not quite the same. But you get the point. The spaciousness of it, yes, I have that. And I am, as today's episode suggests, still figuring out what to do with it. I'm also still waiting very patiently with zero pressure for grandchildren. I don't even think about it. Okay, I do think about it every now and again and wonder how awesome and amazing it's going to be. But even then, my grandchild will not live in the same town I'm in. So again, it's back to this spaciousness that I have. So yes, today's episode is my current best answer to a question, I'm very much still living, which either makes me a relatable host or a hypocrite. Possibly both. But I'm gonna go with relatable, because we're all friends here, right? Well, friend, that's all I have for you this week. If this episode stirred something in you, if you found yourself somewhere in these words, coaching is where we do this work together. Not just concepts that you not along to, but we make real shifts in how you actually show up to your own life. I offer free consultation calls to see if coaching is right for you. If you're interested, you can find me on social media at Loribuck Coaching or at my website, Loribuckcoaching.com. That's L O R I B U C K Coaching dot com. I'll see you next week.