How to Actually Enjoy Your Family on Vacation in Midlife

Family vacations can create beautiful memories… and also reveal every unresolved stress response you have.

In this relatable summer episode, Lori Buck shares the realities of vacation prep in midlife: the packing, planning, overstimulation, hormonal stress, travel anxiety, emotional labor, and pressure women often carry while trying to make sure everyone else has a good time.

This episode will help you:

•  stop trying to manage everyone’s emotions, 
•  lower unrealistic expectations, 
•  enjoy your family without over-functioning, 
•  and remember that you deserve to enjoy the vacation too. 

If you’re navigating midlife, perimenopause, parenting adult kids, or simply trying to survive summer travel season with your sanity intact, this conversation will make you feel seen.

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Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Friends, I don't care what the calendar says, school is out, the temperatures in the south are hot, and summertime is officially here. And for most of us, summertime means vacation season. Now listen, we all like to imagine vacations as this blissful, relaxing escape from our lives. But if we're honest with ourselves, that is not usually how it goes, is it? Because sometimes vacations are wonderful, and sometimes vacations are stressful and overstimulating and expensive and emotionally loaded, but somehow still worth it. So if the thought of getting ready for vacation, going on vacation, or simply being with your family for an extended period of time on vacation stresses you out a little bit, this episode is for you. So, as I mentioned on last week's episode, we are leaving for an Alaskan cruise. And on the day I'm recording this, we are leaving in two days. And this cruise is to celebrate my 30th anniversary, my in-laws' 55th anniversary, my husband's uncle's retirement from teaching after, I think, almost 40 years, and our youngest daughter turning 20. So this is not just a simple vacation. This is a celebration on the water that includes glaciers and wheel watching and also formal wear. And I'm excited and I'm stressed and a little bit exhausted just thinking about it. And like I said, we leave in two days. And I have finally made peace with the fact that preparing to go on vacation takes almost as long as the vacation itself. And that doesn't include all the planning that took place beforehand. My youngest said this morning, why is everybody acting like packing takes so long? It only takes about 20 minutes. And I thought, oh, to be young again. Meanwhile, I am over here packing, doing laundry, dragging out all the coats and rain jackets and hats and gloves, because apparently it is not summertime yet in Alaska. I'm also making mental and physical checklists and trying to locate all of the things the internet convinced me I absolutely must own before boarding a cruise ship. Side note, did you know that there is an entire side of TikTok and Instagram and YouTube devoted to cruise packing? Apparently, I now know that I need magnetic hooks, an approved cruise power strip, foldable hangers. Although after I purchased those, I found out that our cruise line, Princess, provides plenty of hangers, so I didn't really need them. Anyway, I also need an over-the-door shoe organizer for storage in the cabin and a European outlet adapter because our room has a European outlet hidden behind the bed, and it's the only one near the bed. And naturally, I haven't just bought these things or found them for myself. Oh no, I have also acquired them for my children. And listen, I was happy to do that. They didn't ask me to do that. I just bought extras for them because I love them. But no wonder my youngest can pack in 20 minutes because someone has already thought of all the things. And on top of all that, the family group chat has basically become a full-time QA session for the last week with questions like: what do we wear to formal night? Do we need our passport? Should I bring hiking boots? What about a raincoat? Where do I find the info in my app? And listen, these are all fair questions, especially that last one. The princess app has a rating of, I think, a 2.3 or a 2.5 out of five. It is legitimately terrible. My kids did not even want to download it. But that's the only place you can find and print off information that you have to have to get on the cruise ship. But anyway, my point is I'm trying to prepare to go on vacation and I am already very overstimulated. But I just keep repeating to Jeff, we leave on Wednesday, whether we have it all done or not. And honestly, this has brought me a strange amount of peace because at 6 a.m. on Wednesday, I will either be fully prepared or boarding the plane with wet laundry still in my dryer. Either way, I'm going to Alaska. Needless to say, by the time this vacation actually starts, I am absolutely going to need a vacation. And as I've been thinking about this trip, the first vacation with all of our adult kids together since 2023, I started thinking about what I actually wanted this trip to look like. How I could enjoy my family on vacation instead of spending the whole trip stressed, irritated, anxious, or emotionally exhausted. So here are a few things I'm reminding myself before we go. Number one, be realistic. Your hormones come with you on vacation. Friends, as much as we would like to think so, vacations do not magically erase stress, exhaustion, perimenopause symptoms, anxiety, or emotional overload. In fact, sometimes they increase it. You are still in your own body. You still have your own nervous system. And heat, travel, poor sleep, disrupted routines, sugar, crowds, and stress all affect your hormones. And side note, can we talk about travel anxiety in midlife for a minute? Because apparently, this is a thing now. There are literally Instagram reels full of women my age talking about how they suddenly get anxious before travel. And the comments are full of more women saying, wait, is this not just me? Is this really a thing? It's like somewhere around menopause, our brains suddenly become deeply aware that things could go wrong. Flights, illness, weather, connections, forgotten medications, delays, lost luggage. And honestly, sometimes the anxiety itself surprises us because we used to travel just fine. What happened to that 30-year-old that could go anywhere and not think twice about it? I didn't really notice this shift in myself until the last couple of years. And I think part of it is that midlife women are often already running close to capacity, physically and emotionally. So travel doesn't always feel exciting. Sometimes it feels a little overstimulating. So what do we do with all of these things? Well, here are a few ideas. On your vacation, build in recovery time. Don't overschedule every second. Lower the pressure to make every moment amazing. Let some of the vacation just be mid. And spend some time alone every day. Yes, you love your family, and yes, you will need a break from them. And honestly, they will probably need a break from you too. It's okay. Number two, you are allowed to enjoy yourself too. Many women spend the entire vacation managing everyone else's experience. Some of us are out here organizing logistics, coordinating excursions, making sure everyone has what they need, remembering medications and chargers and all the rest, checking weather apps, counting passports, and mentally preparing for every possible inconvenience before it happens. Sometimes moms don't actually go on vacation. They just relocate their project management skills to another state. Now, if my family is listening, or you've listened to a few episodes, you might be saying fake news to half of this list because I have mentioned that I am a passenger princess on vacation. And honestly, you are right. In our family, Jeff handles logistics, passports, weather apps, etc. But I am still in the thick of it, communicating and answering questions because I am basically the guest services coordinator of the family. And I know that I am blessed by this setup because many women I know are handling all of the things. And honestly, I think a lot of women get so busy running the vacation that they forget that they're on the vacation and they forget to experience it themselves. Friend, you are allowed to enjoy your own vacation. You are allowed to think about what pace works for your body, what sounds enjoyable to you, whether you need downtime, whether you need alone time, and whether every single activity is necessary for you to participate in. You do not have to spend the entire trip serving everyone else while secretly feeling exhausted and resentful. Like I said, build in downtime, don't overschedule. Let adults carry their own responsibilities. And remember, not every moment has to be quote unquote maximized in order to have an awesome vacation. Number three, lower expectations equal more connection. I have a friend who likes to say the key to a happy life is low expectations. And the first time she said it, I thought, nope, I do not like that. But honestly, the more I think about it, the more I like it. Because unspoken and unrealistic expectations are basically just disappointments waiting to happen. Trying to make every moment perfect will make you miserable. And listen, we're women in midlife. This is not our first vacation rodeo. We already know somebody is gonna complain. Somebody will get tired. Somebody will get annoyed. And the family vacation will still include the 50-50 life. You don't leave real life at home just because you pack your swimsuit and take off on vacation. And honestly, some of the best vacation memories are usually the small, unexpected moments anyway. When our kids were little, one year after a beach vacation, we asked what their favorite part was. And do you know what they said? Walking to the little ice cream shack every day. I mean, honestly, Jeff and I did think, okay, well, we could have just gone and gotten ice cream from the house. It would have been a lot cheaper and easier. But you know, if you have kids, it's always the little thing that they remember and that they love, not the expensive stuff, not the big activities, just walking together to get ice cream or whatever version of that you have on your vacation. And honestly, maybe the adult version of that is laughing at dinner or playing cards with the family or a quiet walk or seeing something beautiful together. The goal shouldn't be creating the perfect memory. The goal should be being present enough to notice the good moments already happening. Number four, stop managing everyone's emotions. We've talked about this before, but here's a reminder. For many of us, midlife motherhood means overfunctioning emotionally. Remember that saying, be the thermostat, not the thermometer in the room? Embrace it. Thermometers react to the emotional temperature around them. Thermostats help set the tone, even if it's just for themselves. Some of us become emotional cruise directors on vacation. We're trying to keep everyone happy, fix disappointment, absorb attention, smooth conflict and panic anytime somebody is irritated. But friend, you are not responsible for making sure that every person is happy every minute of your vacation. Everyone gets to have their own feelings. Discomfort might be unpleasant, but I promise it will not kill you. Somebody being grumpy does not mean it's an emergency. Emotional adulthood still applies on vacation. Instead of fixing, rescuing, overexplaining, or spiraling emotionally, try allowing, validating, and staying grounded without taking ownership of everyone's emotional waves. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is let someone be annoyed without making it your full-time job trying to fix it. And honestly, this is something I'm actively working on myself. Friends, I don't think family vacations are about creating perfect experiences. Even when you're going to celebrate huge milestones. I think they're about collecting a few real moments while everybody is still changing and growing and still together. Hopefully next week I'll come back rested. But if I don't, at least I hope to have some good stories. And next week is actually the one-year anniversary episode of the podcast, which honestly feels surreal. It's been a journey, and I'm so thankful you were on it with me. So, what's mid about the midlife this week? Well, apparently it's figuring out that my adult children now emotionally manage me the way I used to manage them. While getting ready for this vacation, I started thinking about our 2023 trip to New Zealand. And friends, it was amazing, a true trip of a lifetime. And it was also stressful and beautiful and a little bit emotionally revealing. On the way there, we stopped in Tahiti for a few days. And now, listen, I know this is going to sound obnoxious, but we were not impressed. It rained literally the entire time we were there. And to kind of add insult to injury, 30 minutes before landing, I happened to watch a tourism video on the plane that cheerfully informed me that Tahiti is beautiful to visit 10 months out of the year. Guess which one we visited in? Yep, not one of the 10. We made the best of it, but honestly, we have no desire to return. And somewhere during that part of the trip, my daughter-in-law ended up having a fever. Turns out she thought she might be getting sick before we even left for the trip. But my son made her promise not to tell me. Apparently, my daughters were in on this too. Oh, and during the last end of the trip, my daughters were having a sisterly spat that I knew nothing about until they had worked it out. And at first, I was mildly offended that my children had kept big things from me on this vacation. And then I realized they were trying to protect me because they knew how anxious I was about something going wrong on that trip. And thinking about that this week made me realize a couple of things. One, my travel anxiety was more obvious to everyone around me than I thought. And I was in desperate need of estrogen and didn't realize it. And number two, sometimes my family is over there managing me while I'm over here trying to manage them. And honestly, I get it. And I'm just so thankful that love bears all things. And that my people bear with me too. I actually think it's sweet that they didn't want to stress mom out. I'd like to think it was because they love me, but it also might have been out of a little bit of self-preservation. Either way, I'll take it. But this week, it just reminded me that we all need to do our own emotional work, whether we're living our regular day-to-day life or we're on vacation. So between packing and then after getting on the ship, I will be over here doing some deep pelvic floor breathing, maybe some guided meditation, maybe even a little journaling to help deal with my own emotional stuff. So my family doesn't have to. Well, friend, that's all I have for you this week. If this episode brought something up for you, if you found yourself wishing you could enjoy your family more instead of feeling stressed, anxious, or emotionally overloaded, coaching can help. This is the kind of work we do together. Not just understanding the concepts intellectually, but actually changing how you show up to your life. I offer free consultation calls to see if coaching is a good fit for you. You can find me on social media at Lauriebuck Coaching or at my website, Loribuck Coaching.com. That's L O R I B U C K Coaching.com. I'll see you next week.