Why Midlife Feels So Lonely (Even When You're Surrounded by People)

Why do so many women feel lonely in midlife—even when they're surrounded by people?

In this episode of Loving That Midlife, Lori explores the surprising reasons loneliness often shows up during the empty nest and midlife years. Sometimes the problem isn't a lack of people. Sometimes it's the loss of the roles, routines, and connections that once filled our days.

You'll learn:

•  Why friendship feels different in midlife 
•  How major life transitions can create unexpected loneliness 
•  The thought patterns that can make loneliness worse 
•  Why being needed is not the same as being known 
•  Three practical ways to create more connection in this season of life 

If you've ever looked around at a full life and still felt disconnected, this episode will help you understand what's really happening—and what you can do next.

As always, Lori combines practical coaching tools, encouragement, and a little midlife humor to help you navigate this season with more confidence and intention.

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You can also follow me on my socials:

Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

Facebook: Lori Buck Coaching

Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Have you ever looked around at your life and thought, why do I feel so lonely? Not because you're physically alone, your husband's there, your kids are in and out of the house, your friends are there, your phone has contacts in it, and yet something feels disconnected. Maybe you've wondered if something is wrong with you. Maybe you've wondered why making friends feels harder than it used to. Maybe you've even felt guilty for feeling lonely when your life looks pretty full from the outside. If you've ever had any of those thoughts, today's episode is for you. Because loneliness in midlife isn't always what we think it is. And understanding what's really happening can help you stop feeling stuck and start creating more connection. If you've listened the last few weeks, you know that my husband and I recently celebrated our 30th anniversary. And between that and my birthday last month, I've been doing a lot of reflecting. Reflecting on the different seasons my marriage has been through, how many relationships in my life have changed, loved ones that we've lost, the different friendships that have come and gone over the years, raising and launching children into the world, and now empty nesting or open nesting, as we like to call the season we're in right now. And as I reflected on those last 30 years, I also thought about that feeling of loneliness that so many women in midlife experience. Yes, when we reach midlife, we've lost people, be it literally lost them to death, or we've just lost relationship with people. But I don't think that's where most loneliness comes from. I think a lot of it is because we've lost the things that used to help us connect to other people. Do you remember how easy it was to form friendships when your kids were little? You had things like mom's club or just other moms in the neighborhood, Bible studies, or just the moms at your preschool. Maybe you were a room mom or you were part of a homeschool group, or maybe you were just sitting in the stands cheering for your kids' sports teams or attending other activities your kids were involved in. No matter what it was, there were a lot of women around to be friends with, to socialize with, or hang out with. But now, most of those opportunities are gone, and it doesn't feel quite as easy as it used to. So what if the loneliness problem you're feeling right now isn't because you're bad at making friends? What if the problem is that you just don't have as many easy or natural opportunities to make connections with other people like you used to? Friend, you aren't failing socially if you don't have a lot of friends right now. It's just the season you're in. Your circumstances have changed. And let me ask another related question. Have you ever said, I don't even know what's wrong with me? I just feel off. This is actually something that comes up a lot in coaching. Women come to me convinced they're doing friendship wrong or life wrong or that something is wrong with them. And sometimes they tell me they're lonely. And maybe they are. But often what we find out together is that what they really are is grieving. They're grieving a season that is over. Or they're struggling with their identity, trying to figure out who they are apart from being mom. Or they've spent so many years taking care of everyone else and putting everyone else's wants and dreams ahead of theirs that they no longer even know what they want. They call it loneliness because that's the feeling they're experiencing. But loneliness isn't always the root cause. As you know, there is this huge transition that happens to most women in midlife. For years, all of your time was accounted for, right? You may have felt like you had zero space in your days to create much of anything, much less some idyllic life you wanted to live. But now, sometimes it feels like all you have is space. And you may have no idea what you want to do to fill that space. So, one question I want you to start thinking about and asking yourself is what am I creating now? Because here is the thing, friend, we are all creating something with our thoughts, whether we realize it or not. And there are some thought patterns in midlife that can make loneliness or lack of connection feel worse. Some common thoughts that midlife women share with me are, nobody needs me anymore. Everyone else has close friends but me. It's too late for me to change. My best days are behind me. People already have their friend groups, and I'm not part of them. What if those thoughts alone are creating more isolation than the circumstances themselves? And let me ask you this: what if the goal of this season isn't to become needed again? I think a lot of women I coach just want to be needed again. But instead, what if the new goal is to be known? Those two are not the same thing. Someone can need you without really knowing you. But healthy adult friendship is built on being known. So let me go back to our thoughts. Remember the creation cycle. I've taught it before. Our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings drive our actions, and our actions ensure our results. When we think thoughts like nobody needs me anymore, or nobody wants to spend time with me, or the dreaded, my best years are behind me. How do we feel? Well, you might feel lonely, sad, underappreciated, insignificant, rejected. None of those feelings feel good, right? And when we feel those feelings, lonely, sad, underappreciated, insignificant, dejected, how do we act from those feelings? Well, we withdraw. We isolate. We stop reaching out. And when we act that way, what result do we ensure? That we're alone and nobody wants to spend time with us, right? And we certainly don't feel like we're out there living our best life with those thoughts and feelings. Do you see the cycle? Do you see how we create our own evidence for what we think? So how do we change those thoughts? Well, if your thought is nobody wants to spend time with me, you can't just jump straight to everybody wants to spend time with me. Everybody loves me. That's called thought swapping. And friend, it does not work. Instead, I want you to try a bridge thought. So here are a few examples of some bridge thoughts. Other women are looking for connection just like me. Or I don't really know who would enjoy spending time with me until I give people a chance. Or my favorite, I enjoy spending time with me. And I am creating a life I want to live. That last one can be true no matter your circumstances. Because here's the thing: if you do enjoy spending time with yourself, creating a life you love, you're probably out there volunteering or going to coffee shops or participating in other community activities or somehow out living your best life. And when you're doing that, you will find others along the way who enjoy the same things that you do. And notice none of those bridge thoughts require certainty. They simply inspire hope and open you up to possibilities, to taking one small step towards connection and living a life you want to live. Friend, I want to assure you that if you're thinking thoughts like, no one wants to spend time with me, or everyone else has friends but me, you are not alone. So many women in midlife are waiting, waiting to be invited, waiting to be included, waiting to be noticed. But what if connection is less about finding the right people and more about becoming the person who is willing to go first? What does that even look like? Well, it might look like sending the text. It might look like inviting someone to lunch. It might look like joining something before you feel completely comfortable. For me, over the past few years, it's looked like taking piano lessons, co-starting a book club, and getting a master's certification for life coaching. Not because I knew I'd make friends through any of those activities, but because I knew sitting at home wasn't creating the life I wanted to live or the connection with people I wanted to have. The point isn't the activity. The point is putting yourself in places where connection can happen and where you enjoy what you're doing. Not because it guarantees friendship, but because it creates possibility. Is this hard? For some of you, it will be incredibly hard and scary. But friend, if you want connection, if you want to live a life worth living, it is imperative that you put yourself out there and do the thing scared. Remember, fear does not get to drive a bus. It has to ride in the back seat. So I'm going to give you a few ways to create more connection this month. And notice I'm not saying ways to make friends. Making friends feels a bit overwhelming, but creating connection feels achievable. So here are three quick tools you can use to create more connection with others. Tool number one, stop waiting for organic connection. One of the biggest mistakes I see women make in midlife is waiting for friendship to show up organically. When your kids were little, that's how friendship happened. But now, friendship takes intentionality. If you're looking for more connection or friendship, I want to challenge you to invite one person to coffee this month. One, not ten, just one. Tool number two, look for familiarity before friendship. Friendship usually starts with familiarity. Look for places where you'll see the same people over and over again. The goal is connection. Just being around other people can create that connection. And tool number three, do something meaningful. Sometimes loneliness is solved indirectly, not by seeking friendship, but by doing something meaningful. Some examples might be volunteering, mentoring, serving, or taking a class. These are all meaningful things you can do to help others or to help yourself learn something new. And the byproduct might just be connection. Friend, if you're listening to this and thinking, this isn't just about friendship. I feel disconnected from my whole life right now. You are not alone. Over the last four years of coaching midlife women, I've heard that same thing over and over again. And if that's where you are right now, I would love to help you. Whether it's through this podcast or through one-on-one coaching, I'm here to help. In fact, my next few podcasts will go deeper into some of these topics, such as friendship, marriage, figuring out what you want next, how to create a life you want to live, and more. So, friend, please come see me again next week. So, what's mid about the midlife this week? Well, how about the fact that I both love and hate my hobby right now? You know, the thing I'm supposed to be doing for fun. That's what. I've mentioned several times on the podcast that I'm learning jazz piano. Some days I love it. Some days it's the most frustrating thing I do. And one of the things I've struggled with since I've started is the fact that starting at age 52, I know that I will never be as good as fill in the blank with any jazz piano player you can think of. I just feel like I'm never going to get there. And after not playing for two weeks while we were on vacation, I was feeling especially down. Kind of feeling like I'd forgotten everything I'd learned since October, which I know is just a thought and completely untrue. But that's how I was feeling. And yesterday I stumbled onto an episode of Jazz Night in America. It's done by NPR, and I found it on their website. Christian McBride is the host, and he's a famous upright jazz bass player, if you didn't know. And he was interviewing Flea, the bassist and co-founder of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Apparently, Flea's first musical love was not rock. It was jazz. His parents divorced when he was young, and his mom remarried a jazz musician. So Flea's first records, I think he said he had three, were all jazz records. And he wanted to be Dizzy Gillespie. He even had the cutest story about running into Dizzy Gillespie backstage one time when his mom took him to see him play. Anyway, Flea took up trumpet in school and was fairly good at it. But like a lot of us, he didn't want to practice. Then he gets into high school, his friend asked him to join his rock band, and the rest, as they say, is history. But a few years ago, he decided to take up the trumpet again. He said he got really frustrated playing the trumpet because he realized he was never going to be as good as fill in the blank with any famous jazz trumpet player. And honestly, I felt that in my soul. Here is this world-famous punk rock electric bassist saying he was never going to be as good as another musician. And when you think about it, isn't that just part of the human experience? And maybe especially the midlife experience when we're trying something new. We compare ourselves to others and we don't measure up. We compare our journey to someone else's journey, and we think we'll never get there. But here is what he did. He made a goal for himself. He decided he would practice the trumpet every day for two years. And at the end of two years, he would make a jazz record as good as he was, just like that. He decided he wouldn't worry about how good he sounded. He was just going to do the thing. And honestly, I have not been able to stop thinking about that since I heard the show yesterday. Because maybe that's part of what we've been talking about today. Sometimes we think connection comes after we're good enough, after we've achieved something. Good enough at making friends, good enough at a hobby, good enough at putting ourselves out there. But what if connection actually comes from showing up before we feel ready? Flea didn't decide to play the trumpet and record a jazz album because he thought he was the best jazz trumpet player out there. He knew he wasn't. He decided to play the trumpet because he loved it. And maybe that's the invitation for us in midlife too. To reconnect with things we love simply because we love them. The people we meet and the friendships we build along the way might just be the bonus. So today, I think I'm gonna sit down at the piano and practice. Not because I'm ever going to be McCoy Tyner. I'll never get anywhere close. But because I love jazz. Well, friend, that's all I've got for you this week. If you've been feeling lonely lately, you might ask yourself a question. What if loneliness isn't evidence that something has gone wrong? What if it's simply evidence that you're in a new season that requires new ways of connecting? And if you'd like help learning how to connect in this season, I'd love to help you. I offer free one-on-one consultation calls to see if coaching is right for you. You can find me on social media at Loribuck Coaching or on my website at Lauriebuckcoaching.com. That's L-O-R-I BUCK Coaching.com. I'll see you next week.