Why You Don't Know What You Want Anymore (And How to Start Figuring It Out)

For years, many women have been asking the same questions: 

What needs to be done next?
Who needs me?
What's the priority? 

Then midlife arrives, and suddenly a new question appears: 

What do I want? 

And surprisingly, many of us don't know how to answer it. 

In this episode, Lori explores why so many midlife women struggle to identify their own desires, preferences, and dreams after years of focusing on responsibilities, caregiving, and taking care of everyone else. 

You'll learn: 

•  Why decision fatigue is real in midlife 
•  How years of responsibility can disconnect us from our own preferences 
•  Why "I don't know" may not be the whole story 
•  A powerful coaching question that can help you uncover what you really want 
•  Practical ways to reconnect with curiosity, interests, and possibility 
•  Why figuring out what you want doesn't require a midlife crisis 

If you've ever felt stuck, uncertain, or disconnected from your own desires, this episode will help you understand why—and show you how to start listening to yourself again.
 
Because maybe the question isn't, "What's wrong with me?"
 
Maybe the question is, "What would I say if I did know?"
 

If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend!

And if you loved this episode, please rate the show and leave a review so others can find it, too.  

You can also follow me on my socials:

Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

Facebook: Lori Buck Coaching

Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, friend, and welcome back to Loving That Midlife. I'm Gori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Have you ever been asked a simple question like, What do you want for dinner? And instead of having an answer, your first thought was, I don't know, I don't care, I'm fine with whatever everyone else wants. Or maybe someone asked, Hey, let's get together this weekend and do something. What do you want to do? And your mind goes completely blank. Not because there aren't any options, not because you're incapable of making decisions, but because you've spent so many years thinking about what needs to be done next, that you've stopped asking yourself what you actually want to do. You don't even know anymore. If that sounds familiar, today's episode is for you. Because if you've reached midlife and realize that you don't know what you want anymore, you're not broken, you're not failing, and you haven't lost yourself. It makes perfect sense that you might feel this way in midlife. But the good news is you can reconnect with yourself again and you can start figuring out what you want in your life again. Friends, for years many of us weren't asking ourselves, what do I want? Instead, we weren't asking things like, what needs to happen next? What's on the calendar? Who needs me? What's the priority? What has to be done today? And honestly, those were the right questions for that season. When you're raising children and managing a household, or you're working and building a career, or maybe volunteering at church, or just trying to keep everyone in your house fed and alive. There isn't always a lot of room to sit around contemplating your deepest desires. So what if the reason you don't know what you want isn't because you've lost yourself? What if you've simply become incredibly skilled and focusing on what needs to be done, on your responsibilities. That is not a flaw, friend. That is a strength. The problem is that the skill you've spent decades developing might not be the skill that this particular season requires. And can we acknowledge something else? A lot of us are struggling to answer this question, not because we've lost ourselves, but because we're just tired. We've spent years deciding what's for dinner, who needs a ride, which appointment needs to be scheduled, which bill needs to be paid, is that thing I needed to fix? Has it been fixed yet? Which aging parent needs help now? And now somebody comes and asks you, what do you want? And your brain responds, I cannot make one more decision today. So what if some of what we're calling not knowing is actually just decision fatigue in disguise? Because those two things are not the same thing, friend. Sometimes we say, I don't care, when what we really mean is I don't have the energy to think about that. And that's important to know because it means that you haven't lost your desire or your preferences. You may simply have gotten tired from all the other decisions you're making in your life and all the other responsibilities you're carrying. Now, just for a second, I want to remind you of some things I've taught in the past having to do with brain science. Our brain is really, really good at keeping us safe, conserving energy, and seeking pleasure. So when we've spent years operating on routines, responsibilities, obligations, your brain loves that. It's kind of worn a groove into itself working on those same routines over and over. It's efficient. It doesn't require much thought, which is one reason why just even thinking about what you actually want can feel uncomfortable. Because your brain knows that might lead you to making changes or trying something new. And your brain doesn't like that. It wants to feel safe and in control, and it wants to conserve energy. And thinking about what you want requires energy. So let's talk about some things you can do to save some energy. Because honestly, not every decision we make requires the same amount of mental energy. Sometimes we treat every decision like it's equally important when so many of our decisions revolve around things like which route should I take into town, or which coffee bean should I buy, or which restaurant do we go to, or what should I wear today? And before we know it, we've spent all of our decision-making capital on things that don't really matter all that much. Then when a decision comes along that does actually matter, we're exhausted and we don't want to deal with that. Years ago, I remember reading Ann Bogle's book, Don't Overthink It. And I don't remember a lot of it. I think I read it during COVID, but one of the things that stuck with me was her idea of creating helpful shortcuts in your life to keep you from overthinking. Because here's one more secret. Sometimes decision fatigue comes from overthinking and spinning in indecision, because that's easier to do than to make a decision. So let me give you an example of one of her shortcuts. I remember her saying that she goes to the same place every week. And she realized that every time she went to go there, she would have to think, okay, do I want to go this way or do I want to go that way? One has the interstate and traffic, one has pretty tree-lined streets, and I'd rather do that, but that takes longer. And she would kind of get anxious about it and overthink about it. And so she decided that she would just decide ahead of time, she's always going to take the more leisurely route because it was less stressful. So then she didn't have to spend that energy every single time she went to that certain place deciding how she was going to get there. She also decided that whenever she goes to Trader Joe's, she's going to buy the flowers. She likes having flowers in the house and she doesn't want to think about that decision every time she walks through the door at Trader Joe's. Now she just knows it's a given. She's made that decision ahead of time. So that got me thinking about how this could work in my life. And one of the things I decided was that if I need a small appliance, like a toaster, a coffee bean grinder, whatever it is, I go to Costco. Why? Costco sells high-quality, decently priced small appliances, and they give you two choices. So I stand there in front of the appliance, I look and see what features it has, and I choose one of two. Instead of going to Amazon, where I'm trying to choose one of 50, and I get overwhelmed and I can't decide. And then two weeks later, I still need another blender. So other examples of coming up with shortcuts for your own life would be a capsule wardrobe or laying out what you're going to wear for the week, weekly meal planning and meal prepping, recurring grocery list, setting up the recurring purchases for things you buy all the time, a standing lunch date with a friend. These are all decisions you can make ahead of time that save you time throughout your week and helps cut down on that decision fatigue. And here's the thing, friend, you don't need to become the best decision maker ever. That is not the goal. But maybe the goal is to stop spending so much energy on decisions that don't even really matter all that much. Because when we do that, then we have more energy for the questions that do matter. Questions like, what do I want to learn? What kind of friendships do I want to have? What do I want to do in this next season of life? What do I want that season to look like? What would be fun? What am I curious about? Now, if you have a hard time answering those types of questions, it might be because somewhere along the way, you stopped asking yourself what you wanted, but you didn't even notice it. And friend, I don't think most women consciously decide that their preferences don't matter anymore. I think life gets busy. There are kids to raise, responsibilities to manage, decisions to make. And after years of asking, what works best for everybody? What does the family need? What makes the most sense? We slowly stop asking ourselves, what would I like? Here's a common example. I know it's happened to you. Someone, maybe your husband, maybe your kids, ask you where you want to eat. You think about it, you offer a suggestion. And then what do they say? No, I don't want to eat there. So you think, okay, that's fine. And honestly, it is fine. Like I used to tell my kids, in the immortal words of Mick Jagger, you can't always get what you want, right? The issue isn't that you occasionally defer. The issue is that when you defer so consistently that you stop bothering to even ask yourself what you want anymore, that is the problem. Because, friend, while that may have made sense for a season, there comes a point where we need to start asking ourselves again what we want. Not because we're becoming selfish, but because we are also one of the people living this life. And it's the only one we get. And what if part of the work of midlife is learning how to listen to ourselves again and figuring out what we want the next half of our life to look like? As a coach, I hear women say all the time, I don't know what I want. And you know what? I believe them. But I don't think it's because they don't have desires. What if preferences are actually like a muscle? And if we don't use them, we lose them. Obviously, not literally. The muscle is not gone, but it gets weak and out of shape. And just like you don't rebuild your actual physical muscles by jumping into some crazy new workout routine where you're working out five times a week when you haven't been working out at all. No, you also don't rebuild your preference muscles by making huge life changes or huge decisions. You rebuild it by practicing small preferences. You use questions like, what sounds fun right now? What would I enjoy learning next? What restaurant sounds good? What book would I like to read? What sounds interesting to me? The goal isn't to get every answer right or have the perfect answer to every question. The goal is just to start listening to yourself again. When I ask my midlife clients what they want, often the most common answer I get is I don't know. And do you know what I usually ask next? If you did know, what would you say? And side note, I hated that question when I first started getting coaching. The first thing I wanted to say was, well, if I would have known, I would have said. What do I want? What if I did know, what would I say? And here's what's fascinating. Most of the time, they have an answer. And an answer pretty quickly. Not always, but often. Now, it doesn't mean their answer is perfect. It doesn't mean it's their final answer. But often the problem isn't that we don't know. The problem is that we don't trust ourselves enough to say it out loud. So if you're sitting there thinking, I don't even know what I want, try asking yourself, but if I did know, what would I say? And then just sit with that question with pen and paper and just write down whatever comes up for you. Cause I promise you, if you do that, you might be surprised at what you find. And here's one more thing I want to talk about that I think is important to say. And it's gonna sound weird, but I want you to stop looking for your purpose. Like I said, that sounds kind of weird, and you might be thinking, surely Lori does not mean that. Yes, I did. Because I think a lot of women believe they need to figure out some sort of nebulous purpose that's kind of floating around out there before they can move forward. But what if our purpose is way simpler than that? As Christians, our purpose is to love God and serve our neighbor. That's it. And you can do a million different things under that purpose umbrella. So what if you're trying to answer the wrong question? What if the real question is, how do I love God and serve my neighbor? And here's one more part to that too. What if the question isn't what do I have to do to love God and serve my neighbor? What if it's what do I get to do? What would be fun to do doing this? How could I do this in a way that was exciting? And if those are the questions you start asking yourself, I can tell you, you probably won't be able to answer those from your couch. You can't always discover what you want just by thinking. You often discover it by doing, by experimenting, by trying things, by being curious. Friend, this is the season of life where women suddenly find themselves doing things they never imagined. There are women going back to work after staying home for 30 years because they want to build a new career. Or they're starting businesses around something they didn't even know about when they were younger. Or they're becoming involved in a ministry they've known and loved for years. Others are doing fun things like learning line dancing or taking a sourdough class or learning how to can vegetables. Then there are those taking up mahjong. I don't know about your area of the world, but mahjong has totally exploded in my area of the world. And I want to do that. I want to learn it. The point isn't the activity. The point is curiosity. The point is experimentation. You don't have to know if you're going to love it. You just have to be willing to try it. And yes, I know some of those things I listed sound like fun hobbies instead of purpose-filled activities. But friends, you can love God and serve your neighbor in a dance class, or by taking a loaf of sourdough or a jar of canned green beans to your neighbor. You can be creative with this. So for this week, I want to leave you with some homework. I want you to practice answering preference questions. Not perfectly, just I want you to have an answer for them. So when someone asks you, where do you want to eat? I want you to think of an answer. What movie do you want to watch? Give an answer. What sounds fun this weekend? Give an answer. What would you like for your birthday? Give them an answer. And if my family members are listening to this, they'll be laughing over that one. I am notorious for not ever telling anybody what I want for my birthday. I really do need to start keeping a list. Because when my birthday rolls around, I can't think of a single thing that I want. Anyway, and before you ask everyone else what they want, I want you to think about what you want. Don't overthink it. Don't pressure yourself. Just practice having preferences and wants again because that's how you strengthen that muscle. And friend, let me assure you, the fact that you don't know what you want right now isn't evidence that you've failed. It doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It doesn't mean you've lost who you are. And it certainly isn't evidence that your best years are behind you. It might simply be a sign that life is asking you a new question. For years the question was, what needs to be done? But maybe in this season, the question is, what would you like to do? What do you want to create? What could this next season look like? And those are actually very hopeful questions. So what's mid about the midlife this week? Well, apparently it's realizing that you've lived near one of the most popular tourist destinations in America for 30 years and have spent most of that time actively avoiding it. If you've listened for any length of time, you know I live just outside of Nashville. And somewhere along the way, Nashville became one of those it cities. People fly in from all over the country and even all over the world, so they can put on their cowboy boots and buy matching hats and head down to Broadway and often act the fool. Meanwhile, the locals sit in the suburbs complaining about traffic and talking about how much better Nashville was before everybody discovered it. And honestly, I've been one of those people, guilty as charged. Recently, though, Jeff and I have been spending more time actually going into Nashville instead of actively avoiding it. We saw the Jeff Hamilton trio at the Nashville Jazz Workshop last week, and it was fantastic. We've also started trying new restaurants instead of rotating through the same three places we'd been going to for at least the last decade. And part of my brain wants to tell me, you've missed so much. You've wasted 30 years. What's wrong with you? But then I remind myself that for much of those 30 years, we were raising three kids on one income and often just trying to make it through the week. We weren't looking for hidden restaurants or world-class jazz music. We were looking for places that had chicken tenders and got us home before bedtime. And honestly, I think that's part of what we've been talking about today. It's so easy to get into a rut, not because you're doing life wrong, but because routines are efficient. They help us get through busy seasons. The problem comes when the season changes, but we keep living the same way. So lately, one of the things we've been experimenting with is trying a couple new restaurants every month. Our youngest daughter is a bit of a foodie, and she's become our official restaurant consultant, which is really just a fancy way of saying, I have outsourced the research to a 20-year-old. So we tell her what kind of food we're in the mood for, and she tells us about a couple different places we could go, and we choose one, and it has been fun. We've discovered places we would never have tried otherwise. Some have been great, and some have been educational, shall we say, but all of them have reminded me of something. Sometimes figuring out what you want doesn't start with some grand purpose in life or life mission. Sometimes it starts by trying a different restaurant than the one you used to go to every Friday night, or taking the back roads to get home because the view is a little prettier, or saying yes to trying something new with a friend. And maybe that's what midlife is inviting us to do. Not to reinvent ourselves, just to get curious about what we actually want again. Well, that's all I've got for you this week, friend. If you're listening and realizing you've spent years living by obligation rather than intention, what would happen if this next season became one you intentionally created? That's exactly the kind of work I do with coaching clients. Not helping them become different people, helping them reconnect with the person who's been there all along. The woman who still has dreams, interests, preferences, gifts, and desires. Sometimes she's just gotten a little buried under years of responsibilities. And if that's where you are, I'd love to help. I offer free one-on-one consultation calls to see if coaching is right for you. You can find me on social media at Loribuck Coaching or on my website at Loribuckcoaching.com. That's L O R I B U C K Coaching.com. I'll see you next week.