When Your Teen Is Leaving for College and Everything Gets Weird

What happens when your teenager is getting ready to leave for college—and suddenly everything feels a little… weird?

They’re excited to leave, but they’re also irritated, distant, argumentative, or picking fights with their siblings. You’re trying to soak up these “last few weeks” together, while also wondering why everyone seems to be getting on everyone else’s nerves.

If you’ve experienced this, you may be familiar with soiling the nest—that strange season when a teenager seems to push you away just as they’re preparing to leave home.

This year we’re looking at what happens when the whole family is navigating the transition. What about the siblings who are getting the emotional fallout? How do you hold boundaries while still giving your teenager grace? And how do you stop putting pressure on yourself to make these final weeks together perfectly memorable?

We’ll talk about understanding your teen without excusing disrespect, giving them space without withdrawing emotionally, and keeping your focus on the long-term relationship you want with your adult child.

And in this week’s Midlife Moment, I’m taking you along on my recent trip to England with my youngest daughter after her study abroad in Italy. Ten days, three cities, a LOT of walking, aching feet, British museums, trains, getting lost, and a surprising lesson in letting go of control—and embracing my role as a very happy passenger princess.

Because whether your child is leaving for college or you’re simply navigating one of the many transitions of midlife, there’s something important to remember:

The good doesn’t have to cancel out the hard. And the hard doesn’t mean something has gone wrong.

Welcome to the 50/50 life. 

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You can also follow me on my socials:

Instagram: @loribuckcoaching

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Website: www.loribuckcoaching.com 

Email: lori@loribuckcoaching.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hello, friends, and welcome back to season two of Loving That Midlife. I'm Lori Buck, Master Certified Christian Life Coach, and I'm so glad you're here. Well, if you're wondering where the old music is, so was I. Sometimes you take a couple weeks off to rest, relax, and travel with your youngest daughter, and you come back and realize the software you use to record, edit, and publish your podcast has completely changed. And your bump music you use to introduce the show is no longer available. So here's what we have now. And as for that vacation I took, I'll be honest, friends, it's the first one I had from the podcast since I started in June of 2025 and I may or may not have been ready to come back yet. But today's topic is very time-sensitive. So I wanted to get back to work to talk with you all about it. So let me ask you a question. If you've got kids going off to college, have you ever looked at them in the weeks before they leave and thought, who are you and what have you done to my sweet child? If not, consider yourself lucky. Because most of us who have launched kids off to college have experienced something like this. See if this sounds familiar. Your child is irritated. Everything becomes an argument. They are suddenly challenging rules that they have happily followed for years. They're snapping at their siblings, they're snapping at you and their father. Maybe they're camped out in their room, ignoring the family, or maybe they're just giving everyone the silent treatment around them. They seem simultaneously excited to leave, and also completely miserable. And maybe you're thinking, we have three weeks left together. Could we maybe enjoy them? If this sounds familiar, there's actually a name for this. It's called soiling the nest. And yes, it does come from nature. Think about when little chicks hatch and the parent birds are bringing them their food and taking care of them. Well, when the chicks get to a certain size, they literally start soiling the nest. And this is the clue to the parents that it is time to kick those baby birdies out of the nest. And so this is kind of what your child is doing. And I really do feel like it's God's way of making it possible for us to launch them in the world. Because if they were delightful all the time, we would never want to let them go, right? But here's what I want to talk about today that I didn't really talk about last year when I covered this topic. This transition isn't just happening to your teenager or your young adult. It's happening to the entire family. And it doesn't just happen once when you launch them off to freshman year. It happens in kind of different ways at different times throughout their college years and even when they come back to live at home. So let's talk about it. Again, just a quick recap. I did an entire episode on it last year. So if you want to hear more about that, you can go back and listen to last year's episode. But soiling the nest can happen because your child is anxious about separating from you. And they could be scared about it, but they don't want to admit it. So just kind of remember those separation anxiety years when they were babies or toddlers. This is kind of the grown-up version of that. They're also fighting for independence. All right. A lot of this is going to remind you of the toddler years. They are fighting for their own independence. They know they're becoming adults and they want to show that to you and to themselves. And that's also where the testing boundaries comes in. They are testing those boundaries just like they did when they were three years old. And one other thing they're doing, they're protecting themselves emotionally because they're scared of the unknown. They're scared of how hard college is going to be. They're scared about what it's like to make new friends, what it's like to live on their own, to make all of their decisions. And so a lot of this behavior is coming from fear. Now, the best thing you can do is try to shift your mindset about their behavior. Remind yourself, this isn't about me. This is about them. I'm the safe place to land so they are reacting where they know they can be safe. And this is a thought that I love for so many situations with our children, especially if you've had a neurodivergent child. This is my number one piece of advice that I like to give to parents. If you can just think, they are not giving me a hard time. They are having a hard time. It really helps you extend grace a lot easier. Because honestly, in the last few weeks, or maybe, maybe they've done it all summer long, I hope not. But there are a lot of fights that they pick. Because think about it. If they're mad at us, it's so much easier for them to go away than if they're feeling really loving towards us. And so sometimes they pick those fights without even realizing it. But as the adult and the mom, we know we don't have to show up to every fight we're invited to. And another way to say that is you can't have a tug of war if one side drops the rope. So if you are in a tug of war right now, I'm going to invite you to drop the rope. That's a rundown of what I talked about last year. There's something I didn't talk enough about last year. What happens to everyone else when one child is soiling the nest? So I'm going to cover a few big ideas. Big idea number one: your teenager isn't the only person going through a time of transition. They are physically leaving, but your role as a mom, as a parent, is changing. Dad's role may be adjusting too. Siblings are losing their siblings' daily presence. If you've been a family of five, now you're going to be a family of four, nine months out of the year. And that's a whole different configuration. And it changes more than maybe you realize it if this is the first time you've launched a child off to school. And this is the thing that nobody really talks about is kind of the weirdness of that. Walking by the bedroom and seeing it empty, family dinners with one less person at the table, fewer people in the car. So suddenly having one less person at home changes so much, not just for the parents, but also for the other kids still at home. Okay, big idea number two. Sometimes during the soiling the nest process, the siblings get the emotional fallout. Mom, you probably understand that your child is anxious about leaving. But if you have younger children at home, that 14-year-old sibling may just think, wow, why is everyone letting my sister be a jerk? Well, they are having a very different experience, right? And listen, here are some questions I just want you to think about. What happens when that departing child picks a fight with their siblings? What if they're suddenly mean to their younger brother? How much should mom intervene? Do you excuse behavior because they're leaving? Or do you show them what the boundary is? How do you protect the sibling who's getting the brunt of it? And what do you do when the sibling is also sad about losing them, but doesn't have the language for it? These are all questions you might be asking yourself or things that are coming up. And I want you to know understanding behavior isn't the same thing as excusing behavior. Yes, I think it's good to show a lot of grace right now during this time period. But also, you could say to your child who is acting ugly, as my mother would say, I can have compassion for why you're behaving this way without deciding that everyone else has to tolerate what you are dishing out. Right? It's okay for us to set boundaries with that child that is leaving. And sometimes it's good for them to be reminded: yes, we love you, but no, you don't get to treat us any way you want to. Big idea number three: it is not the sibling's responsibility to understand. I think it's a really good parenting reminder for us to remember that siblings don't experience each other the way we experience each of them, right? Sometimes we tell the younger child, you need to understand they're going through a lot. And what they may be thinking is, okay, but they are still being a jerk. And listen, mom, you can validate both of your children. You can tell that departing child that they're allowed to feel anxious and sad, excited, angry, whatever it is. And you can tell their sibling, you're allowed to be annoyed that your sibling is treating you poorly. You don't have to pick a side. And listen, if you are like me, you want your children to understand each other the way you understand them. You want them to treat each other with love. You want them to give each other grace. But I want to remind you, it is not your job to make everybody feel happy or feel less anxious or feel settled. Your job is to lead the environment without becoming responsible for everyone's emotions. You are allowed to have your emotions too. You are allowed to think your child is being a jerk, or you're allowed to think your other child is not showing enough grace. All of that is okay. All of those emotions are valid. Big idea number four: you don't have to turn the final weeks your child is home into a Hallmark movie. Okay. Sometimes when we have a big seasonal transition coming up, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We want it to mean something. We want to make every moment count or create memories. Make the most of your last summer, as if your child won't be back next summer, because they probably will. Anyway, we we kind of couch things as, oh, this is your last blank before you go off to college. Oh, it's our last family meal, or it's our last time to go downtown Nashville, or whatever it is we're doing. And meanwhile, your kid is in the kitchen yelling at their simpling because somebody ate their leftovers. All right. That does not make for a Hallmark movie. And then your brain wants to make it mean something about your family, that you're not doing it right, that something's wrong with you. No, there's nothing wrong with you. This is so normal. Moms, it is not your job to manufacture magical memories because your child is leaving. You don't need to create that kind of emotional pressure on yourself. Instead, remind yourself you don't have to have a perfect ending to the summer to have a good relationship with your child that's going off to college. You will make more memories, you will have more family time, more holidays, more vacations. You don't have to make these last couple weeks mean so much emotionally. Big idea number five. Your job is to leave the door open for the future. How do we do that? We think what do we want our relationship with our adult children to look like? Okay. This is the big transition. Instead of that daily, everyday parent who is directing your child, you're becoming a consultant. All right. And you want them to come back and consult with you. So how can you set up the relationship for that? Remember to stay calm when they're soiling the nest. Take some deep breaths, count to 10 before you speak. Do whatever you need to do to remind yourself it's not personal and I don't have to attend every fight I'm invited to. Hold boundaries, but give grace. Grace doesn't mean there are no boundaries, but if you are the kind of parent that camps out on the thought of my child can never disrespect me, these last few weeks are probably going to be really hard. So yes, hold your boundary, but you want to treat them with grace. The next thing you can do, give space without withdrawing emotionally. You don't want to chase them, but you also don't want to put emotional distance between you because your feelings are hurt. Leave the conversation open. And one way you can do that, bring them their favorite treat from Starbucks or say, hey, do you want to go out and get donuts? Sometimes having food or going on a walk or something like that will give them enough of an invitation to share their heart with you. Another thing you should do, talk about the future with hope. Get excited with them instead of constantly reminding them how much you're gonna miss them. Talk about how much fun they're gonna have. Talk about what new things they're going to learn about themselves, about school. Ask them questions like, what are you most looking forward to this semester? Or if you're like me, my daughter, my youngest, just left yesterday, actually. And she was kind of dreading work week for sorority recruitment. It is just what it sounds like, a whole lot of work. And I realized I was kind of commiserating with her a whole lot. And I finally looked at her and I said, you know what? You've got to do this anyway. So why don't you just have fun? Think about all the ways this could be fun. You're gonna be with your friends, make the most of it. And so sometimes we need that mind shift. And sometimes we need to help our children have that mind shift. So if they're showing some fear, you could help them think about what's going to be fun or what their future holds that is hopeful. And then again, think long term. We are not trying to win the argument on August the 6th. What we want is we want to have that relationship with them six years from now, 16 years from now, we are building a relationship with adults. And so when you want to react to something they say that hurts your feelings or makes you upset, try to remember that you are trying to keep the door open to build that relationship with your adult child. And here is what I want you to remind yourself. What am I making this mean? I know oftentimes, as moms, sometimes we get these thoughts like, they don't appreciate me, or they're just dying to get away from us. They don't want to be here. We're losing our relationship. I'm doing something wrong. They're so disrespectful. They don't need me anymore. All of those thoughts are painful thoughts. And if you think about it, the circumstance is this my child is leaving for college. Those are the facts you can prove in a court of law. The story you might be telling yourself is they're leaving and they're irritable and distant. So that means they don't love me anymore. The story you are telling is not the circumstance. Those two things are different. And if we remember our thoughts create our feelings, our feelings drive our actions, and our actions ensure our results, then we can remember the thought we have or the story we tell ourselves is so important. So I want you to think about what story are you telling yourself? And then I want you to think does that story need to change? And finally, I just want to assure you it is normal if you are having big feelings about your child going off to college. That is a real transition. And you don't have to pretend that it's not emotional or that you're doing quote unquote fine. If you are struggling with this transition, you are not alone. And coaching can help. If you would like to find out more about coaching, I do a free consultation call. And you can find me at LauriebuckCoaching.com or on social media at LauriebuckCoaching. I'd love to talk with you. So, what's mid about the midlife this week? Well, how about being on a trip of a lifetime and still kind of wishing you were at home in your bed? That's what. So, if you've been around a while, or if you listened to the last couple episodes, you know that I took a few weeks off to go meet my youngest daughter in England. She did four weeks of study abroad in Italy, and then we both met up in London. And one of the biggest things I was worried about was getting from Heathrow Airport to our Airbnb. And honestly, it turned out to be no big deal. I finally decided oh, I could ask people there who work in. The tube station, how do I do this? And friends, that's exactly what I did. I followed the sign to the trains. Then I asked people at a little information desk, hey, here's where I need to go. How should I do this? And they gave me the answer. And then when I got to the train station I needed to go to, I asked people, what's the best way to get from here to the Airbnb? And I had the sweetest people who helped me. Yes, I did go probably 10 or 15 minutes the wrong way because at that point I was walking and I was using uh my maps app, but it still thought I was driving. And so finally I realized I've got to be going the wrong way, turned around, walked 15 minutes back the other way. Yes, it was probably 85, and I was dragging a 35-pound suitcase, but that's okay. I made it there. And an hour or so later, my daughter showed up at the Airbnb. And it was amazing. It was so good to see her after not seeing her for most of the summer. But we had a plan, or I should say she had a plan. I have mentioned I am the passenger princess, and I kind of let her plan all the things. Of course, I gave input on what I wanted to do. And one of the things that was a must see is the British Museum. Now listen, the British Museum started when the sun never set on the British Empire, which means they pretty much took all the good things from around the world of whatever territory they were occupying and sent it back to London, which I will admit is very problematic, but it makes it a great place to visit. Anyway, I love the British Museum, but I also wanted to have a crash out, as the kids call it. There were dozens upon dozens, I mean at least 30 groups of just Chinese tourists. And that doesn't include the Spanish tourist groups or the Japanese tourist groups or the fill-in-the-blank for whatever country. There were groups everywhere. And it felt like you were kind of in a little cattle chute trying to get from one thing to the next. And I really about lost it when I saw this little boy beating the drums on the sarcophagus. And there's a sign, literally, his hand is kind of hitting the sign that says, do not touch. I have this high sense of justice. This was wrong. I wanted to stop him. I look at the parents, I look over. His father is rubbing the head of the sarcophagus. And I realize, oh, yes, they don't read English. Of course they don't realize it says, do not touch. And also, this is not my job. I looked at Larson, I said, we have to leave this section because I could not handle watching a sarcophagus get absolutely touched all over. But I'm getting to look at these beautiful things. And I was just so overwhelmed with people and sounds and all of the things going on. And honestly, a lot of that vacation felt that way. And I just continued to remind myself that it's okay. The reality is, yes, I was on a vacation and a trip of a lifetime. And I felt very blessed to be able to do that. But also, my feet and ankles hurt every single day. I've only had arthritis for a year or two in my toe, but I've had bad ankles my entire life. And I've been prone to blisters my entire life. And I am easily overwhelmed and exhausted. And sometimes walking through London, through a beautiful museum, all I could think of was I want to sit down and I want to sleep in my own bed tonight. And you know what? Two truths can exist at once. Your vacation, your dream trip of a lifetime can be amazing and exhausting. Things can be beautiful and irritating. They can be fun and physically painful. You can love it and you can also want to be in your own bed. A dream doesn't mean everything has to feel dreamy 100% of the time. And here's the thing: I coached myself the entire time I was there. I didn't make myself wrong for having thoughts like, I really would rather be in my bed right now. Because you don't have to make the good mean the heart doesn't exist. Or the hard mean the good doesn't exist. Sometimes midlife is just learning that you don't have control over the whole journey. Sometimes you need to ask for help. Sometimes you need to follow someone you trust, like I did, get a little lost, figure it out, and occasionally be the passenger princess. Oh, also, sometimes when you go to England, you realize they have a version of Gatlinburg too. Let me tell you what I wasn't expecting. I wasn't expecting the street that went right beside Windsor Castle to be like Gatlinburg, but it kind of is. Also, if you've never rated or reviewed the podcast, I'd really appreciate it if you would do that. That is the very best way other people can find me, is through those reviews and the ratings. Also, if you feel like you need a little extra support, I'm taking new clients in August. You can find me on social media at Loribuck Coaching or at my website, Loribuckcoaching.com. That's L O R I B U C K Coaching.com.