Episode 274: Infinite Gratitude, Last Nuggets Of Wisdom, And A Final Farewell

Thank you for everything you have done for me and for being a part of such a beautiful vulnerable and empathetic community.

I truly and genuinely care about each and every one of you.

And as I say my final farewells, please never forget that kindness can change the world.

Goodbye my friends 🤍✝️🕊️

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to or welcome back to Advice for the Living from someone who only kind of is, I suppose. My name is Kayla. Thank you for being here. Um, this episode is gonna be a little bit different than what I normally record, and I'm gonna let you know I'm probably gonna cry quite a bit, but I'm okay, and um I hope all of you will be okay too. So I just wanted to um to let you know that this is going to be um the last episode of this podcast. Um over the past, you know, since around December, I think most of you have probably noticed that prior to December I was posting at least almost an episode a day, if not multiple episodes a day. And then starting in December and kind of going on till now, um, I've had little spurts, but it's been, you know, oftentimes it's weeks between episodes. And um I think all of you guys have probably noticed that and noticed that things have been a lot slower and a lot different. Um I've given a few health updates over that period of time, but um nothing really too in-depth or serious because I was hoping that you know things are are gonna improve or we can just keep pushing through the way that I always have. Um for anyone that's been here in every episode, you've um heard me mention that I am on hospice and end-of-life care, and um I have been dealing with sepsis uh now for several months. Um this is actually the 14th time I've had sepsis, which is insane. I know it is. Um 13 is my lucky number, and I think 13 was my lucky number. Um, and I think I finally reached a battle that I don't think I can win this time. Um things have really taken a nosedive, and um over the past three weeks or the past month or so, things have really, really started to decline to the point where um there's nothing left that we can do, and we're just trying to keep me comfortable as best as we can, and we're just waiting um until God decides that he's ready to take me home, so it's kind of just a waiting game right now, but I am declining still um every day, and what with the sepsis, like I had I've had it for a few months, and I was managing it okay at first for the first like three months with the sepsis, I was kind of managing it doing okay, but it really ramped up um with some other infections that I have in my body, and they kind of all tag teamed together and amplified, and now the infection within my blood, within my body, within my organs, within my wounds, in my skin, it's all um it's all so infected, and I've just been so unwell. Like it's been really brutal for me. I um I've been sleeping a lot. Um either I'm sleeping or I'm up for days or I'm crying or you know, like there's just there's not a lot of great stuff going on right now just because it's been a really, really difficult time. Um I think you know, when I was put on hospice, it was over two years ago. It was on Valentine's Day of 2024, and um, you know, right now we're two years more than two years after that, and I've had a lot of time to prepare, and a lot of time to get ready for this. And even prior to being put on hospice, I had time to prepare and to get ready because even before hospice, I knew that my medical conditions were terminal, they were something that were gonna end my life at some point. And before hospice, I was on palliative care, so we knew that I was going to pass away from my illnesses, and then hospice was kind of the ramp up of you're gonna pass away very soon, and we just want to keep you as comfortable as possible. And somehow, even though hospice they typically only put you on it if they expect you'll live um less than six months, uh, that was my expectation. When I was put on hospice, I was told I had anywhere from two days to a maximum of one week to live, and if I could drink chocolate milk, then I had two weeks to live, and that was it. And um, and so I came home because I decided at that time because in the hospital, I decided that I I wanted to die at home. Um, I've lived in this house my whole life. My parents brought me home from the hospital to this house. All of my memories of my family are in this house. Um, and that's where I wanted to be. And so I came home and two weeks passed and I hadn't died yet. And um, we kind of had to we made a decision to try maybe a hospice house. Um, and there's one that's literally like a five-minute drive from my house, it's right around the corner, and I lived there for a month and um s was still alive after, um, even though I was still really sick, and so I again I came home. And what's wild is that I have not improved whatsoever since the day I was put on hospice. In fact, I have only continued to decline, had more health issues come up, had worsening symptoms, worsening problems. Um, and even before they got worse, they thought I had just days to live in, and I've somehow made it all this time. And I will forever be grateful for all of the bonus days I've been given past my expiration date. Um, you know, I think I really do believe that every day is a chance to make a difference and a chance to make memories with positive memories with the world, you know, whether it's with the people you love most or whether it's with a stranger at the grocery store. I mean connections can be made all the time. And no matter what your situation is in life, every single day you have an opportunity to do something, to be someone. Even doing it from a bed, even if you're awake for 45 minutes in a day and you've been in bed, you can still make a difference. And I think that that's a message I really want to get through. And the biggest thing um for me I've said this for my entire life because um, you know, ever since I got diagnosed, we knew that the the illness was was terminal. And um I've thought about this question many, many times, and I've been asked this question many times. And uh the question is essentially like when you pass away, what do you want to be remembered for? Or what do you want your legacy to be, or whatever, right? And my answer has always remained the same. I don't care if people remember any achievements that I might have had, or you know, if I did well in school, or I don't know if I won a trophy at something, or you know, that stuff doesn't matter to me. The only thing that I want when people remember me is for them to think that I was a kind person. I want people to look back and when they think about me, think about how kind I was and how much I genuinely cared about people and about the world. And this podcast community has meant so much to me. I've said it in every single episode. Um you guys truly mean the world to me. It honestly blows my mind that this podcast took off the way that it did. I can't even fathom it. It truly is something that I don't know that I'll ever be able to understand. Um I'm so grateful for all of you, and I appreciate so much that you're choosing to be vulnerable with me and to share things with me that are personal or difficult in your life. Um and I I have a quote that I wrote when I was about 11 or 12, but I've said it all the time, so it's stuck in my head, which is that there is so much beauty and strength in vulnerability. And I really do believe that vulnerability is not weakness, it's not showing that you're struggling or where you're struggling is beautiful and is strong because it shows other people that the rest of the world has problems too. A lot of people walk around every day thinking that they're the only one that is dealing with certain problems in their lives or certain feelings, they feel very alone and they feel like you know, these feelings are so isolating, and they're they're the only ones who have to deal with stuff like this. And when you're vulnerable and you show that your life's not perfect either, or you struggle with certain emotions, or with there's something you're struggling with in your life, it allows other people to feel more comfortable talking about or sharing what's going on in their life, and sometimes just talking about it or letting it out or choosing to you know go to therapy or do something. Those types of things can be so healing, and it's really easy to look at the world when you're just walking down the street and it looks like everyone has their lives put together, you know. You see people in nice outfits, you see like the people, the moms that have like a stroller and they're jogging, and you're like, oh my gosh, how are these people so put together? And you know, or you see just so many things in the world where it's really easy to feel like you're the only one who doesn't have the energy to get out of bed, or who just doesn't have it in them to take a shower today because they're just done, they're just they've had enough and they don't have the energy and it's too much. And that can be for physical reasons or mental reasons. And when we're vulnerable and we share a lot about how we're doing, it lets people know that it's okay to talk about hard things and that they're not the only one experiencing hard things, and that feeling of I'm not alone is such a relief. It's honestly amazing. I remember one of the first times I really opened up um about how I was feeling in a group therapy session, and a couple other people in the in the session had all kind of I was emotional sharing what I was sharing, and other people were emotional as I was sharing. And when I finished, you know, like three other people in the session were all saying that's exactly how they felt, and you know, they had no idea that other people, you know, endured that, and to hear someone else say, you know, like I struggle with this too, and you know, here's what's worked for me, here's what hasn't. And also seeing the success stories, you know. Like I I think seeing somebody who struggled really hard with something, and they'll always have the scars on their heart of the pain of what they've been through, but once they get through it and they start to move forward in their lives and they use that pain to propel them forward in a way that has love and compassion and empathy because they know what it's like to be at rock bottom, and then you see them do really well, you know, maybe maybe they they become really um successful at work, you know, they start to get promotions, they were doing really poorly, and they were coming to work late and having a lot of struggles at work because they were dealing with mental health, and they went to therapy, and they started to find other coping strategies, and things started to get better for them, and they went to work and they became more consistent, and they were able to put more effort in and be more engaging, and then you watch them climb up, you know, the ladder of corporation or whatever it is, you know, and and seeing those success stories of people who were struggling, who were in that place, and who have overcome it, and they don't forget that they were there, believe me. We don't forget those that pain and and how it feels to be feeling alone or to feel depressed or to feel grief or isolation or sadness or loneliness or just you know any of those really difficult feelings, you never forget what that feels like. And I think it's almost a superpower because it gives you the ability to connect with people in ways that a lot of other people can't. I think a big part about this podcast and why you guys keep coming back and why it's successful is that I can relate to a lot of you in a lot of these stories, um, and and a lot of them I can't, but I can imagine. Um but I think hearing I've been so vulnerable on this podcast. I've shared about my mental health, I've shared about my physical health, I've shared about, you know, hard experiences in my life, I've shared about grief and loss. And I think that that is my superpower because when you guys hear that, you then feel like this is a safe person to share my vulnerabilities with because they just shared theirs, and I feel like they would understand, or um you know, they the thing about a vulnerability, I think what people are worried about when they share something. Like, for example, if you're struggling, let's just do an example of depression. If you're struggling with depression, you may worry that if you open up and you tell someone that you're dealing with depression, you might worry that that person is gonna go around and share that information with everybody else, even if you've asked them not to. Or another example is maybe you're dealing with a situation in your life that's very personal and very difficult. For example, a spouse that has um been unfaithful, and you're really worried that if you share that vulnerability about you being insecure about your body or about um you know who you are as a person because your spouse clearly went in your mind to find someone better, so you you start to feel really vulnerable and like maybe you're not good enough, or you're not pretty enough, or you're not handsome enough, or you're not smart enough, or good enough, and sharing that with people can be really hard too because those are really hard feelings, and again, there can be a worry of like, if I share this with people, first of all, I don't want them to share it with the world, you know. Even if you tell them, please keep this private, you never know what people are gonna do, and also sometimes in the situation with you know a partner being unfaithful, it can be really difficult to share that with someone because you might worry that now that they know that information, um, like now that you've told them that that that happened, they might look at you differently. Like maybe they might look at you and think, yeah, I wonder like why they cheated on you, like what you know, and and you might think that they would be making assumptions about you or your life. When you tell them something like that, they might see you in a different light, even though that's usually not how it goes. I mean, I think for most people, almost everybody, if someone told me that they were cheated on or their partner was unfaithful, um, my immediate response would just be to want to comfort that person and to give them all the love in the world, not sit there and analyze why their partner cheated on them. I mean, that's not at all how most people think, but when you're in the position of being a person who was cheated on, it can be really easy to think that that's what other people are thinking. That when you tell them they're thinking, why were they cheated on? What was wrong with them? Why weren't they good enough? And that's not true, and also being cheated on isn't about being good enough, by the way. I just want to make a side note. It's about somebody else who is disrespectful, disgusting, and who should probably take a look at themselves and really ask themselves if they're proud of the person they are because every single one of you guys listening, and every single human being on earth is worth something. You're valuable, you're important, you're special, you're you're uniquely made. Everything about you is perfect, you're exact. Who you're supposed to be, and I think if people don't appreciate that, that's on them, but you will find so many other people who love you exactly as you are, and I think that's what this podcast has become: a place where people can share those hard things, people can talk about things that are embarrassing or hurtful or difficult or disappointing or painful, and know that everyone listening loves them regardless, has experienced similar emotions. And the thing is, is even if you haven't been through that same situation, a common denominator through all of these things are feelings feelings of disappointment, feelings of hurt, feelings of grief, feelings of loss, sadness. Um I think I said disappointment, just a lot of the situations that people write in about that are about difficult things, even if we can't relate to the situation they're describing, we can relate to the feeling. And by relating to the feeling, that's where the vulnerability is so strong and so beautiful and so special because now someone knows that that feeling exists for other people, and we've done that as a community here. It hasn't been me alone. I haven't sat here in my bed and recorded all this and created this community by myself. You guys have been the ones that keep coming back or that share this podcast or that talk about it or that want other people to hear it, and it's so special to me to know that people feel that way. And you know, another thing that I've mentioned before, and I'm gonna mention again because I think it's important, it's really important to me, is that um this podcast has done so much for me, it has given me a new purpose and something to fight for, and um it's like an a spark came back in my life because I felt like I wasn't just in the four walls of my room anymore. Now I'm in 56 countries with over a hundred and thirty three thousand listeners, and you know, my world feels so much bigger. And when I was younger, I was picked on a lot, and um a lot of the things that people picked on me for were things like saying that I was too sensitive or too emotional or too opinionated, or I cared too much, or I talked too much, or um I was too smart, which okay, I don't know how that's an insult, but thank you. But I people would make fun of me for that, um, or just that I was too opinionated, like all of the things that people used to tell me when I was a kid that made me feel so bad about myself and so insecure, I was called annoying all the time, and that word to this day is still one of the most painful words someone can call me because it brings back every single one of those emotions. When someone says, Kayla, you're annoying, that feeling immediately takes me back. It reminds me of my younger self who usually, when someone would say that, it was during I was rambling about something I was really excited about, and I was really, you know, animated and excited and sharing, and someone would interrupt and say that I was annoying or to shut up or I was talking too much. And I really started to resent that part of myself that was too much. I felt like I was too much, and now as an adult, I've started this podcast, and all of those things that I just mentioned, that I was, you know, really picked on for, are what all of you have told me you love about me. And I wish so badly that my adult self could go back to that younger Kayla and to tell her that she is perfect just the way she is, and that one day people are gonna appreciate everything that she is as she is. Maybe they don't appreciate it right now, maybe they're not mature enough to get it, maybe they they just aren't the right people for you. But one day you will realize that the things that you worried about most ended up being the things that got you to where you were. I mean, this podcast became so successful, which still blows my mind. So thank you so much. Um, thank you for everything. And to know that you guys have told me these things, told me that these are the things you love about me. I mean, that little girl to for her to just hold on to that hope of you will find people, your people, who feel the same way, who who have experienced similar things, who have had similar feelings, who have also been picked on, who have, you know not been able to really feel like they're they can be confident in who they are. And as a 29-year-old now, just to know that nothing was ever wrong with me. Nothing was ever wrong with me. I was perfect all along. And I want you guys to know that because it's not just about children either. As we go through life, even as adults, we run into people who are bullies. Okay, they just are. It could be a boss, it could be a coworker, it could be someone who claims they're your friend, but is actually making a lot of really nasty, backhanded comments, or talking about you behind your back, or gossiping, or constantly putting you down, but still saying they're your friend, you know, like there's a lot of instances, not even as children, just as we go through life where people aren't valuing us for the amazing unique individual that we are, and at any age, you can have those feelings of feeling like you're too much or you're not good enough, or you'll never be able to make friends, or you'll never, you know, you'll always be known as I don't know if someone's making fun of something about your physical appearance, you know. You I'll always be known as the person with um I don't I don't know, I don't have a good example of a physical appearance that someone can make fun of, so I'll just use one that no one would make fun of because you know, who would make fun of the fact that someone has like blue eyes or something that's pretty? But like, you know, if someone was teasing you about your blue eyes and they always brought it up and they're like, Oh, you know, your blue eyes clash with your outfit and you don't look good, and you know, and then you have these feelings of like I'm always gonna be known as the person with the blue eyes that you know are so bright that they ruin every outfit and I look tacky because you've heard it from multiple people, and all of these things can happen as we go through life. And I know I've rambled a lot and I've talked a lot and I've gone on for a while. Um, and I think a piece of that is because I know that when I stop talking, this podcast will no longer be my podcast. Um, and that's really hard, but I want you to know how much I love and value and appreciate each and every one of you. You've done so much for me in ways that I can't even put into words, and I hope that through listening to these episodes, you've been able to feel less alone, or you've been able to feel a sense of community or belonging, or just knowing that there are other people who feel the way you feel, and I hope that you know that even through severe hardship or really difficult times, there is always an opportunity to make a difference in the world and to make positive memories. And I think those positive memories are what I have focused on in my bonus days. Is I want every single day to remember that I'm lucky to be here and I want to spend as much of that time with people to make me the happiest that I can so that they also have more memories of us together when I'm gone. Um the more the merrier. All good ones, you know, just the happy stuff and the laughing and the inside jokes. Um I'm gonna miss all of you. I'm gonna miss this podcast. And I think I'm gonna miss Earth one day when my time comes. But um the one thing that I hold on to, and maybe this will help you as well if you're feeling any sort of grief over knowing that my time is um kind of slowly coming to an end. I think if you're struggling with feelings about that, and even for me, the one thing that I really hold on to is that I believe that when I pass away for the first time, I will no longer be suffering. I won't, I'll be in a body that doesn't hurt. I don't know what that feels like. I don't, I don't know what that's like. And I hold on to the fact that I won't be in pain, I won't be suffering. I'll be able to run around and walk and maybe fly and see nature and be in divine paradise and wait on the moon for my beautiful sister so we can walk um you know through the pearly gates together when it's her time one day. And uh I just hold on to the promises that I have in my faith with the God that I believe in, which is his promises of paradise, and it brings me a lot of comfort to know that I will be at peace. Because peacefulness is a feeling that is really hard to find, and to just be at peace, and then also to not only not be in pain, but to not even be able to fathom what pain is, like you can't even think of what pain would feel like because it's so foreign in heaven, it's not it doesn't exist, so you can't even think of what it is to be in pain because it doesn't exist up there. I mean, how amazing would that be? And so even though I'm gonna miss every single one of the most amazing people down here, all of you, all of my support systems, the people who have taken care of me, the people who have listened to me, the people who have been kind to me or helped me with something in the grocery store, I mean, I'm gonna miss all of those people, and I'm gonna forever be grateful for the connections that I've made with all of you. And I want you to know that even though this podcast is over and my time on earth is um, you know, coming coming to a head eventually. I mean, we we don't know how much time, but um, it's really taken a nosedive and we've really ramped up the treatment plan, so I'm on a lot more medication, I'm being sedated a lot more, um, and we're just kind of it's a waiting game at this point. We don't know what that's gonna look like, but I won't be able to do anything else um other than really just sleep and and and rest, and that's really all I've got in me these days. So I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for everything. And I'm really sorry to let you know this, but I'm pretty sure that umce I stop paying the monthly fee for this podcast, it'll be completely taken down. If you've downloaded episodes, I don't know if they'll stay. I don't really know how that works, but I'm I think everything gets taken down, even if you've downloaded it. I'm not sure. I think just the whole podcast is going to be gone. Um, and unfortunately, I'm so sorry that it's such short notice because I haven't had the capacity until today to be able to film, record this, but um tomorrow, Wednesday, um, Wednesday is what the 15th. I think Wednesday is the 15th of April, um, is when my next payment is due, and so if I don't pay it on Wednesday, which is tomorrow, which I'm not going to, the podcast is gonna be gone. So um, I'm so sorry for anyone that you know wanted to have this forever. I'm so sorry that they're gonna be gone. I don't really know exactly how it works. I'm not really tech savvy, and I was trying to look into it, but I've had no energy, and I've been doing everything I can to just get to this point. So um I wish I had more answers for you, and I know that this po this um episode is only gonna be up for today, so a lot of people won't get the chance to listen to it, which breaks my heart. But at the same time, I've said in every single episode how much I love you guys, and I've also said in every single episode that I'm on hospice and end-of-life care, so you know what I want you to know, which is that I love you, and I think that when episodes just stop popping up, I think people can put two and two together, you know. So ultimately, um, I love you all. It's been an amazing ride, and uh I'll say farewell and I'll see you again one day. Just know that wherever you are, um, and wherever I am, even if we don't know each other closely or in person or whatever, if you're thinking of me or you feel like you need my support, I don't know, reach out with your heart and think about me, or you know, if you're a prayer kind of person, you can you can pray and ask for me, and I don't know how all that stuff works, but I would love to be able to watch over as many people as I can, and all of you guys have become family to me, and I want to be there for you. So if you're ever struggling or you just want extra support, just think of me and I'll be there in whatever capacity that looks like. And um yeah, farewell, my friends. Bye.