Why We Hide

Why We Hide

So many of us become experts at hiding during fertility struggles.

Hiding our disappointment.
Hiding our grief.
Hiding our fear.
Sometimes even hiding our hope.

In this episode, we're talking about why we hide, how hiding can become a form of self-protection, and the loneliness that can come from carrying something so important in silence.

If you've ever smiled and said "I'm fine" when you weren't, this conversation is for you.

Resources and free fertility meditations:
www.thefertilitysanctuary.com

www.fertilitynurturehub-365.com

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If this episode resonated with you and you'd like a little extra support between episodes, you'll find my free fertility meditations and resources at https://thefertilitysanctuary.com/innersanctuarytw

And if you know someone who might need to hear this today, please feel free to share this episode with them.

Until next time, take care.

Transcript

1:44

Hey lovely, and welcome back to the Heart of Fertility. I've been thinking quite a lot about something recently. Actually, it's something I found I did a lot during my own fertility journey, and I have a feeling that I'm probably not alone in it. And it's hiding. Not physically hiding, although I probably did do a little bit of that at times, but hiding how much I was struggling, and sometimes even hiding how much I cared because let's be honest, when you've been disappointed enough times, it can feel a lot safer not to let people see how much you're going through. You don't always want to talk about it. Sometimes you desperately do, but you're afraid to. You're afraid of losing a bit of control about where your emotions are and how you're feeling. You're afraid to burden someone. You're afraid to feel like that that's all you're talking about, that that's your only subject. But I can remember telling people that I was fine when I really wasn't. I can remember smiling and even trying to laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. I can remember changing the subject when someone asked how things were going, especially when I felt really raw. But not because I wanted to be dishonest, but because I was tired, and sometimes just because it was hurting too much. I was tired of explaining. I was tired of the questions, not just the ones I was asked, but the ones going through my head I remember feeling tired of seeing that look that people give you sometimes when they don't know what to say. I remember feeling guilty when people were just feeling happy about their own good news and the impact that my struggles were having on them, that they couldn't feel they could express how happy their lives were Because they were frightened of hurting my feelings, and I just felt so guilty. And I think many of us, hiding becomes a form of self-protection. We tell ourselves we're coping, so we keep going, we carry on working, supporting everyone else, doing all the things that need doing. And from the outside, everything looks fine because fertility struggles have a way of becoming part of every corner of your life. You can be sitting in a meeting thinking about it. You can be watching TV thinking about it, out for dinner thinking about it Doing your supermarket shop and thinking about it. Lying awake at 2:00 o'clock in the morning and definitely thinking about it, and yet often nobody around us knows. It's such a strange experience really to be carrying something so big while looking completely normal on the outside, and I think that's one of the reasons fertility can feel so lonely because people can only support the parts of us they can see. Now, I'm not saying you have to tell everyone your business. You absolutely don't. Some people earn the right to hear your story, and some people don't. But looking back, I think finding a space where I didn't have to pretend, spaces where I could say, "This is hard. I'm scared. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know if it will ever happen And instead of trying to fix me, people simply understood. That's what I needed Sometimes that's what we're really searching for. Not answers, not advice, but understanding, connection. A place where we don't have to carry everything by ourselves place where you don't feel alone So if you've been hiding a little lately, I just want you to know something, that there is nothing wrong with you. You're not weak, you're not failing, and you're probably doing what so many of us do when we're trying to protect our hearts. But maybe today, just for a moment, you could ask yourself, Who feels safe? Who can I be honest with?" Where can I put down some of what I've been carrying? Because you were never meant to carry this alone Maybe The first place you need to start is with yourself