The Questions that changed everything

Episode

The Questions That Changed My Life

Throughout my fertility journey, I spent years searching for answers.

Answers about treatments.
Answers about symptoms.
Answers about what would happen next.

I thought finding the right answer would help me feel better.

But what ultimately changed my life wasn't an answer at all.

It was a question.

In this episode, I share one of the most difficult moments from my fertility journey, the questions that helped me see myself and my situation differently, and why asking a better question can sometimes be more powerful than searching for another answer.

Together we'll explore:

• What do I need right now?
• What is within my control today?
• What would I say to a friend in my position?
• And three powerful journalling questions you can take away and reflect on yourself.

If you've been feeling stuck, overwhelmed, anxious or trapped in an endless cycle of "what ifs", this episode is a gentle invitation to pause, create space, and reconnect with your own wisdom.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

• Free fertility meditations
• Additional support through The Fertility Sanctuary and The Fertility Nurture Hub CIC

Visit:
www.thefertilitysanctuary.com

www.fertilitynurturehub-365.com

Because sometimes the answers we're searching for don't arrive from the outside.

Sometimes they begin with a question.

If this episode resonated with you and you'd like a little extra support between episodes, you'll find my free fertility meditations and resources at https://thefertilitysanctuary.com/innersanctuarytw

And if you know someone who might need to hear this today, please feel free to share this episode with them.

Until next time, take care.

Transcript

Host 1:45

Hiya. Today, I'm thinking about sharing something that has changed my life over and over again. It's not a technique, it's not a treatment, it's not an answer as such. It's a question, or rather questions. And if that sounds a little unexpected, stay with me because when I look back at the biggest turning points in my own journey, they almost never began with finding the right answer. They began with asking a better question Throughout my fertility journey, there were so many moments where I felt completely stuck and lost and despairing, not knowing what to do next, how to feel, what to think. So not just emotionally, although there was plenty, plenty of emotions, but mentally it was a kind of loop that I just couldn't seem to find my way out of. It's that switch in my mind where I just wanted to switch off trying to have a baby, just to give my head some peace and quiet for a while and to not feel so emotionally raw. I remember spending so much energy trying to predict the future. If this treatment works, then if this cycle works, then maybe, just maybe, I could be pregnant. If this symptoms means something, then maybe this time. If this appointment brings good news, then I could be pregnant by next month or You get my drift. And the more I searched for certainty and for answers, the more anxious and stressed and emotional I became. I wanted someone to tell me what was going to happen. I wanted a success story that I could match with my own. I wanted guarantees. I wanted answers. In hindsight, I know that's completely human. But at the time when it's something that matters of course we want to know that everything's going to be okay. We need hope. We need something to cling onto to know that all this heartbreak and turmoil that you're going through is gonna be for something at the end. But the more I tightly held onto the need for answers, the more trapped I felt by it because the answers I was searching for weren't mine to have, not yet anyway. I remember particular moment, I had attempted to control the situation by trying to donate my eggs as, an egg sharer, to share treatment with somebody for IVF to, try and, support someone else while saving us some of the money. I was exhausted, emotionally on a knife edge. It was bone deep in a way that just comes from holding onto so much for, so long. And the doctor sitting at the desk opposite me, and just telling me that my blood results showed that I wouldn't guarantee to produce enough eggs to share, and therefore I wasn't eligible for treatment. I was Absolutely crushed. I couldn't believe that she sat there and just told me so matter of fact that they weren't gonna take a chance on me, that I had failed to reach their markers, and I wasn't good enough to share. And my hopes, 'cause I'd entered that office with so much hope They, they didn't matter. My feelings didn't matter. I cried and I begged for them to reconsider But it didn't make any difference. They just told me that's the way it was, and They weren't gonna consider me for the egg sharing, and that was the end of my dream right there and then. All they did was hand me a tissue and wait for me to leave I say me, me and my husband to leave I'd never felt so desperate to beg before, but I did then, and, it wasn't enough. My emotions, my begging weren't enough to make her change her mind, which is, understandable I suppose, because they have to look after the other person as well but in that moment I knew I couldn't carry on the way I was. I couldn't continue feeling that way anymore. And it made me ask myself some questions which I hadn't thought to ask before And, one of them was, what am I making this mean about me? Not about the treatment, not about the outcome, but me Was I taking it as a personal rejection that I had failed? Absolutely But was that right? Was that fair? One blood result When another blood result had come back with more positive news, but it still wasn't considered good enough because of that one But I realized I'd been unconsciously turning every disappointment into evidence of something being fundamentally wrong with me, with my body, with my worth as a person, but also as a woman. I couldn't do the thing that women are meant to do That question didn't change what happened, but it did change my relationship with what had happened, and that, slowly changed everything There were a handful of questions I came back to again and again throughout my journey, that I'd like to share with you today, not as a list to work through, but as gentle invitations to try yourself when you feel ready so here goes what do I need right now? Not what do I need to do, not what should I be feeling, but what do I actually need emotionally, physically in this moment? Now, this question was revolutionary for me because I had become so focused on the journey, on the next step, the next appointment, the next cycle, that I had almost... Well, not almost, I had stopped asking what I needed in the middle of it all. I'd lost myself. I actually didn't recognize who I was anymore And then what is within my control today? Now, think about this. It's not what might happen, it's not what you can't change, just what right now is actually mine to control. What do I actually have control of? This one has a way of quietly dissolving your anxiety, not entirely eliminating it, but loosening its grip. Because when we're in survival mode, our minds expand to fill every possible eventuality, every possible threat, and it also narrows down what we can see down from everything around us, to almost like you're only able to look through a straw at what possibilities there are for you And this question brings you back gently to what's real and what's yours to control. It helps open your mind to more possibilities And lastly, what would I say to a friend in my position? Now, it's become a bit more a habit of mine now to ask myself this on the days when I'm being hardest on myself, and every time my answer has always been far kinder and more compassionate than anything I was actually saying to myself. We often already know how to be kind and gentle to someone who's struggling. We just forget to turn that kindness onto ourselves One of the things I've come to believe deeply is that we already know far more than we think we do. We have so many answers and so much wisdom inside of us already, but the challenge is that we're so busy, so overwhelmed, so focused on outcomes, feeling judged, that we rarely slow down long enough to listen to ourselves, which is why creating space matters so much. It's not a luxury, but it's a necessity because when we slow down, even briefly, we often hear things we've been trying to tell ourselves all along, but we've just been pushing to one side or ignoring. Questions create that space. They interrupt the loop. They invite a different kind of thinking, and sometimes that shift in thinking is exactly what opens something up inside of us So before we finish today, I'd love to leave you with three questions just to think about this week. You might want to pause this episode and journal on them, or you might simply want to let them sit quietly in the back of your mind. You're always welcome to listen to this episode again. There's no right or wrong way to do this. You're in control Here we go Question one What have I been carrying that no longer belongs to me? So this might be someone else's opinion or unhelpful comments that stayed far longer than they should have inside your mind. It might be a story you've been telling yourself about your body, your worth, your future. But whatever comes up, notice it without judgment But notice it. Question two What permission am I waiting for? This one lands differently for every person Could it be permission to rest? Permission to grieve? Permission to hope again permission to ask for help Or permission to share what you're going through with someone. You don't have to wait for permission. You can give yourself that permission and the final question: If I trusted myself a little more, what would I do next? Not what should you do, not what does the protocol say, not what does TikTok say or YouTube But what would you do? What would you do if you trusted yourself just a little more than you do right now? Take your time with these. There are no right or wrong answers, like I said. The only answers that matter are yours And sometimes that's where the real magic begins If this has stirred something in you, like a question of your own, a feeling you haven't quite had words for, I'd love to hear from you. These conversations matter. And if you'd like a little support in creating more of those quiet moments of space You're welcome to download my meditations. They're free, and they're there for you. The link is in the show notes Thank you so much for spending this time with me today. Be gentle with yourself this week. I'll see you in the next episode