Parent Alienation - Do NOT Be The Monster by James Moffitt

In this episode of ABC's of Parenting Adult Children I talk about what it is like for a parent to be the victim of Parenting Alienation. I also talk about how it affects the children. 

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Richard Jones. I am an RN with over 34 years of Nursing Experience, much of that experience working with young adults in the corrections system. 

Hello, James here !

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Transcript

James Moffitt (00:06.52)
Welcome to the podcast ABCs of Parenting Adult Children. Please join us as we discuss parenting adult children and the unique struggles that it comes along with.

James Moffitt (00:26.991)
Hello and welcome to ABC's of Parenting Adult Children. My name is James Moffitt and I will be your host. Today is Saturday, January the 25th, 2025. I'm going to preempt my regularly scheduled guests and I'm going to do a special edition podcast episode on...

parent alienation.

Before I get into what parent alienation is and how it affects the parent who's a victim of it and the children who are incentivized to make their parents out as a monster, I just want to share my story with you and let you know that this is very near and dear to my heart. So in summary, I got

divorced my first spouse.

And we were married very young. We were in our twenties. In retrospect, looking back at that marriage, it probably should have never happened. And to set the stage, I remember my my then mother-in-law telling me that there was no there's no man that's good enough for my daughter. And at that point,

James Moffitt (02:03.244)
I should have realized that that relationship was not going to go very far. But I was in love, passionately, intensely in love with my first wife. And we had a child, and that child is now 38 years old. And to today, I'm still the victim of parent alienation. Now what do I mean by that?

What I mean is, that my first son wound up in a hospital. He wound up in ICU and he was on a breathing machine because he couldn't breathe. had RSV and then he had pneumonia. He also had other health complications. Well, the doctors were looking for the next of kin. Well, my son's mother who has

since passed away like nine years ago from kidney failure. She wasn't around. And so the stepdad was, as far as they knew, the next of kin. Well, luckily for me, that stepfather reached out to me, called me on my cell phone and we talked. And then it was made known to the doctors that I was actually the next of kin, but that I would be working with the stepfather and his best friend's mother.

to make healthcare decisions for him. Now, my son was heavily sedated. He was not conscious. He was on a breathing tube or a breathing machine. He was on a ventilator. So he needed somebody or the treatment team needed somebody to help make decisions, which we did. All three of us had conversations about all the different things that were procedures and things that the doctors wanted to do.

on him. And we were all in agreement and so the decisions were made. Once my son was not heavily sedated and he was conscious and he was able to communicate and talk and all that, his stepfather and his best friend's mother and his friend Bradley were at the hospital in ICU and

James Moffitt (04:30.456)
Anyway, he basically told, my son told his stepfather that he wanted him to be his next of kin, not me.

Because I'm a monster. There's a lot of animosity coming from my son towards me. And so when he said that, his stepfather stated that, hey, know, your father's been involved in all these healthcare decisions for you in the last 30 months, and he's been good and he's been working with us and not causing any problems, so maybe you should give him a chance.

And he just shook his head no and said, no, I want you to be my next of kin. Well, as you can imagine, that kind of stung a little bit since I'm the biological father. And in all honesty, I have to take ownership of this parent alienation to a certain degree in that I was not perfect. I moved out of his life.

Moved from Houston, Texas over to the East Coast, went to Atlanta, Georgia. Following work, I'm an IT specialist, I lost my job in Houston. And so I picked up my then current family, my second wife and my three children and we moved to Atlanta and I went to work for Delta Airlines.

Anyway, I realize now, and I've realized before now, that my picking up and moving so far away from my first son, out of sight, out of mind, and so the parent alienation, or the propaganda that my then ex-wife and her parents and family, they did a number on him.

James Moffitt (06:34.117)
basically painted the picture that I was no good and that I was a monster and that I couldn't be trusted and I don't know. I don't know what all they told him, but I know it wasn't good. And when you're out of sight, you're out of mind. Right? So I should have made a better attempt to be in his life. I should have gone out of my way and in, in the expense of going to where Jeremy oops.

my son was located and spent the weekend with him on occasions. And I think if I had done that, then the parent alienation propaganda machine would have had an opportunity to hear my side of the story, right? But I didn't. And so now he doesn't want anything to do with me. I mean,

Yeah, we stayed in contact on and off and he needed help for me financially on different occasions and so I sent him some PayPal money and I just told him, said, hey, keep the lines of communications open with me. You need help as much as I'm able, I'll send you some money via PayPal and I did. excuse me. Anyway, when I could no longer send him PayPal money as...

quickly and in the amount he was hoping for, he quit talking to me.

James Moffitt (08:12.921)
Anyway, my wife, my current wife and his stepmother, we have done everything we can to keep the lines of communications open. I kept calling his cell phone number and leaving messages. On his birthday, I would leave a message. On Christmas and New Year's, I'd leave a message. Silence. Crickets. Nothing.

we followed him, on Facebook and we're friends on Facebook, but because of his lifestyle choices, a lot of his communications on Facebook was just over the top and we don't understand it. And so my wife and I unfollowed him so we didn't see everything on his newsfeed when he would post pictures of him dressed up as a, as a woman and

He looks just like his mother when he dresses up. It's kind of frightening. But anyway, I'm not judging him for that. That's his life. And I'm not God. And I'm not standing in judgment over him. If that's what he wants to do, then that's perfectly OK with me. However, you can imagine I'm a little bit disappointed that 38 years later, I'm still dealing with

day.

alienation. I'm still dealing with the fact that there's animosity coming towards me from my firstborn son. And no, it's not fair. Is it the end of the world? No. Is there a chance that we might reconcile and that hopefully through this life-changing event of his, maybe he'll be aware that

James Moffitt (10:04.827)
that I do care about him and that I do love him and that, you know, I want the best for him.

My, his stepdad and myself and his friend's mother are hoping that we can reopen a line of communications and that we can begin talking again. That's my hope and prayer. All right. So that's my story. It's a real life example of parent alienation. So what is parent alienation?

And I've already kind of explained that to you. Parent alienation is where a divorced couple, they have a court ordered visitation. Not, not every divorced couple has to go to court, you know, go that route. Some, some couples can work things out amongst themselves peacefully and courts don't need to get involved. However, my, my in-laws way back when, chose to go the

legal route and the legal route basically said I could only see my son every other weekend. That's when I was living in the hometown that we got married in. They actually tried to deny me access to my son. They tried to keep me from being able to see him because I was such a monster and I hired an attorney and we got that fixed and the the judge saw fit to

give me access to my child since I'm a biological father and I was able to see him every two weeks. So anyway...

James Moffitt (11:47.921)
That was a lot of fun. You can only imagine what parents of children go through. Divorce is not fun. It is not fun at all. It's horrible. It's gut-wrenching. It's emotional. There's a lot of negative emotions attached to it. Anger, frustration, grief, hurt, hurt feelings.

all of the above. takes a lot to get through it. So anyway, parental alienation occurs when one parent manipulates a child to reject the other parent, often during or after a divorce. This can have profound effects on children, both in the short and long term. Effects on children.

Emotional distress. Children may experience anger, guilt, grief, and disconnection. They often feel torn between their parents and may struggle with loyalty conflicts. Two, low self-esteem. Alienated children may develop low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. They might internalize the negative messages about the alienated parent and feel unworthy or unloved. Mental health issues.

Long-term effects can include anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles. The emotional turmoil can persist into adulthood, affecting their relationships and overall well-being. Damaged relationships. The bond between the child and the alienated parent can be severed severely damaged. This can lead to a loss of loving and supportive relationship that is crucial for the child's development. Let me reread that.

Number four, damaged relationships. The bond between the child and the alienated parent can be severely damaged. I can attest to that. This can lead to a loss of a loving and supportive relationship that's crucial for the child's development. I'm partly responsible for that.

James Moffitt (13:59.271)
Behavioral problems. Children may exhibit behavioral issues such as aggression, defiance, and withdrawal from social interactions.

So going back up here, I'm talking about number four, damaged relationships. The bond between the child and the alienated parent can be severely damaged.

This can lead to a loss of loving and supportive relationship that is crucial for the child's development. So in retrospect, looking back at my severely damaged relationship with my son, I realized that I should have fought back. I should have been in his life physically as much as physically possible in order to reverse some of the

Negative propaganda that he was being fed on a daily and weekly basis by his in-laws, by his mother, by the family on her side.

strategies to mitigate effects. Therapeutic convention intervention. I didn't know any of this stuff back then. Professional counseling can help children process their emotions and rebuild relationships with both parents. That never happened. Parental cooperation, encouraging cooperative co-parenting can reduce conflict and provide a more stable environment for the child. That never happened.

James Moffitt (15:30.735)
Legal measures. Courts can intervene to ensure that both parents have fair access to the child and that alienating behaviors are addressed. Well, I did get a, I did get legal counsel and I did take my ex-wife and her family to court before a judge and he granted me access to the child. So I had access to the child and I failed to make myself known and present in his life physically.

when I should have. So, I don't care what the other parent saying, I don't care what the other family is saying, if you are a parent of a child, even if you're in divorce, make every effort you can to be in that child's life. Just turn the ears off, don't listen to what they're saying, and talk to your child and help them to realize that you're not a monster.

James Moffitt (16:29.277)
Parent alienation is a serious issue that requires attention and intervention to protect the well-being of children involved in divorce.

The parent alienation can have profound effects on the parent who is the target of such behavior. Here are some of the key impacts. Emotional and psychological effects. Grief and loss. The alienated parent often experiences deep emotional pain and a sense of loss as they are being rejected by their child. I can attest to that. Absolutely. Anxiety and depression. The ongoing conflict and rejection can lead to anxiety,

Depression and other mental health issues. Low self-esteem, constant denigration and criticism can erode the alienated parent's self-esteem and self-worth. Yes, absolutely. Isolation. The alienated parent may feel isolated from their child and sometimes even from friends and family who may be influenced by the alienating parent. Bingo. Yes.

Behavioral and Social Effects

Stress and Anguish The stress of dealing with parental-parental alienation can lead to physical health problems and emotional exhaustion. Difficulty trusting others The experience can make it hard for the alienated parent to trust others, affecting their ability to form new relationships. Legal Battles The alienated parent may find themselves in prolonged legal battles to maintain contact with their child

James Moffitt (18:10.173)
which can be financially and emotionally draining. Well, I didn't have the funds to engage legal assistance on an ongoing basis. And honestly, I didn't need to. Honestly, I had taken that step already and access was already granted to me. So my choice to not get in the fight and stay there and be ever present in his life.

is what caused me problems. It helped to facilitate my being painted as the monster.

Long-term impact. Strange relationships. The relationship between the alienated parent and their child can be severely damaged, sometimes irreparably. I kind of feel like that's where I'm at at this point in time. Impact on future generations. The trauma experienced by the alienated parent can affect their ability to parent future children, potentially perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction.

impact on future generations. The trauma experienced by the alienated parent can affect their ability to parent future children, potentially perpetuating a cycle of dysfunctions. I never thought about that, and I don't know that

with my current children I mean they're all my children my firstborn second born third born fourth born fifth born all of them are my children and I try I think I would like to say I've tried to be a good parent did I fail at times yes because there's no such thing as a perfect parent right we all make mistakes

James Moffitt (20:00.797)
Parental alienation is a form of emotional abuse that can have lasting effects on both the child and the alienated parent. It's crucial for those affected to seek support and professional help to navigate these challenges.

What are your thoughts, listener, about these issues? Have you been through a divorce?

Are you suffering from parental alienation? Are you the monster? If you're the monster, what are you doing about it? Are you doing everything you can physically, emotionally, psychologically, legally to stay in that child's life? Because if you're not, you're perpetuating this issue. Stand your ground. Understand that you are the biological parent.

No matter what anybody else says, you have a right to your child. have right to access to your child. You have a right to making medical decisions for that child. You are the parent. So do everything you can within your power to deal with it. Don't just quit. That's kind of what I did. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't...

know there was such a thing as therapists or parent coaches or any of that stuff. That was back in the 80s that I went through this. So I'm telling you as a parent, especially you fathers out there, if you're a father of a child and you want to be in their life, it is totally up to you as to what you do. It's totally up to you as to how much

James Moffitt (21:47.801)
influence you have on your child's life. And you can't have any influence on your child's life by being silent, by not being physically present. Pick up the telephone, do FaceTime, do Zoom sessions, do whatever you need to do to communicate your love and appreciation for your child. Because if you don't, then guess what? That child is going to believe

all the negative propaganda that happens through parental alienation. And they're going to think that you're a monster because your ex-spouse and her family may or may not help to perpetuate these lies. And that's what they are. Now, okay, so maybe part of what they're telling your child is correct. Maybe you made some mistakes early on as a parent, as a father.

I mean that's life, right? None of us are perfect. None of us get a book. We don't get a manual that teaches you how to be a father or a mother for that matter. think mothers have more of a nurturing instinct to love their child in a different way. Mothers and fathers love their children in different ways. And mothers and fathers have different roles, right? And through the

Through the years, those roles have been kind of blurred. Once upon a time, women were women and mothers, and dads were men, and there were dads and there were fathers. And they had a specific role in the life of the child. Well, now we have blended families, mixed race families, fractured families.

dysfunctional families. Hell, there's families that are still together and they're dysfunctional anyway, right? Guess what? We're human. We make mistakes and we've got our own problems and fallacies and issues and mental and emotional and psychological issues that sometimes they don't get addressed. And so just because the family is still physically together doesn't mean that

James Moffitt (24:14.183)
You're not dysfunctional because guess what? You are. And it's our job as parents to recognize those things and get the help that we need to fix those issues so that we can have as normal of a family life as possible. Because our children depend on it. Our children look to us to model the correct behavior that they need to learn in order to be productive members of our society. Right? So if you don't want our

If you don't want your children to become drug addicts, don't do drugs in front of them. Don't smoke pot every day. You know, it's simple things like that. If you don't want your child to grow up and learn the way that you mask your emotions is through alcohol and drugs, then don't model that behavior in front of them. Don't drink in front of them all the time. Don't get drunk. Don't act stupid when you are drunk.

It's just basic things, right? Parenting is a serious, serious thing. Parenting affects our children for a lifetime. And it's our job as parents to provide our kids with the best family life and family environment that we can provide for them. Because they're our future. They're our future lawyers, our future doctors, our future scientists, our future

Armed Forces members, our future parents, they're going to grow up, they're going to fall in love, get married, have kids of their own. And guess what? If you were a monster when they were growing up, they're going to be a monster to their children. I know I'm getting a little bit off the beaten path. Some of that may not have a direct correlation to parental alienation, but it's important things to be said.

James Moffitt (26:12.541)
So how do you parental alienation? One of the best ways to battle it is just don't get divorced. Fix the problems, right? You and your spouse figure it out. Go to marriage counselors together and separately. Go to therapists. If you get a church, there's a lot of, there's a pastoral care. They have counselors on staff that might be able to help you.

Do anything other than nothing. Right? If you got money problems, you got infidelity problems, if you got trust issues, if you've got whatever issue, I don't care what the issue is, if you're married and you're having relationship problems, not only is it going to destroy your marriage relationship, but eventually it's going to affect your children in a negative way. So you owe it to yourself, you owe it to your spouse.

and you owe it to your children to get it right. let me encourage you to get the help that you need. Reach out to your family. Reach out to your pastor. Call 2-1-1 United Way. Ask them if there are marriage counselors available to you in your neck of the woods. A lot of therapy or therapists or whatever, if you go through the right channels, some of them might be able to provide you with a...

charges related to your income through a sliding scale. Maybe you can't afford to pay full price for a professional marriage counselor. There are solutions to every problem you can think of. You just have to engage. You have to just quit feeling sorry for yourself. Quit being angry. Don't let your emotions control you and your decisions because you're in trouble if you let that happen.

And I'm talking to moms and dads, right? Identify the problem. You got married, you fell in love for a reason. You were attracted to one another. So do everything in your power to, salvage that love relationship, learn each other's love languages, all sorts of stuff. Okay. I could go on for hours. And at this point, I think I'm just going to say,

James Moffitt (28:41.169)
I wish you luck and invest yourself in your children. Invest your, be there emotionally, be there mentally, even put down your smartphone, put down your iPad, invest yourself in your children because that is going to, to benefit you in huge dividends in the future. What you do with your children today is going to determine

what kind of relationship you have with them when they're adult. An adult, right? Today, while they're still children and you have a parental child relationship, you have the ability to set the stage for when they become an adult. And if you screw up and you don't do it right, you're going to suffer the consequences once they become an adult. Because then they're going to look at you and go, eh, you say one thing, but I saw another and therefore

Screw you. I don't have to listen to you anymore. I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. And off to the races they go and they won't return your phone calls and they won't return your emails. They won't come over for Thanksgiving dinner. They won't come over for a weekly dinner because I don't want no part of you. Right? So parents have to take

responsibility for their actions whether intentional actions or unintentional actions we have to take responsibility as the parents to do the right thing and I want to encourage you to do the right thing because today is a day there's no time like today you can make changes today you can't undo the past you might be able to salvage some of those moments sometimes just saying I'm sorry

The simple act of saying, I'm sorry and being humble goes a long way. And as a parent, you can do that. You can admit the fact that you're not perfect and you can share, you can be transparent and share with your children the mistakes you made when you were their age and teach them what the consequences were. Say, Hey, I did A and B and you know, my, my consequences were C and D and this is how it affected me.

James Moffitt (30:58.917)
So there's a lot to it. You know that I'm not talking to somebody that doesn't understand these things because you're a parent and you're listening to this podcast, right? And this is your podcast. And I want to go on to say that if there are topics that you would like to hear about, like I'm doing parent alienation today. I'm working on getting some, interviews set up with single parents and the, struggles that they go through.

We're going to work on some interviews with people that are widowed, know, their spouse dies and grief sets in and it affects the widowed partner, the person that was left behind and it affects the children too. Everybody's affected, right? So I want to dig in and find the topics that are pertinent to parenting adult children.

And we're talking about 12 years old all the way to infinity, 12 years old to 60. And I don't care how old you are or how old your children are. They are still your children and you should always be available to them. You should engage in active listening and being there to be a mentor to your kids. All right. So I'm going to quit blathering now. I've said everything I think I need to say on this topic.

And I will say thank you for the privilege of your time. Thank you for listening to today's episode. You can listen to this podcast on Spotify, Amazon music, iHeartRadio, Apple podcast, and public radio. Apple podcast seems to be about 70%, 78 % of our podcast episode consumption. Spotify, can watch the video episode of this podcast episode.

And on the about screen for the description of ABC's of Parenting Adult Children, there's a link to the website that I've created that you can go on the website. You can see the scheduled episode releases coming up. You can contact me via voicemail or email. Just click on the email link, click on the voicemail, leave me a voicemail, it shows up in my inbox. James C. Moffitt at Outlook.com is my email address. Send me comments.

James Moffitt (33:22.876)
If you have any special requests, if you want to be a guest on the podcast, if you want to tell your parent story, I'm always looking for parents that want to tell their parent stories and parenting stories. And I'm looking for good parenting stories. I would like to hear some success stories. And I think that our listening audience would like to know and hear.

good parenting success stories. And I know there are some that are out there. So share them with the world. Don't be shy. I promise I won't buy. So anyway, I've already told you, visit our new website at parenting-adult-children.podcastpage.io. That's parenting- the dash is a hyphen, parenting-adult-children.podcastpage.io.

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Please tune in next week for another episode of our podcast on parenting adult children.