Healing Generational Hurt: A Hope‑Filled Conversation With Kent Darcie

 Kent’s work often touches on reconciliation and emotional healing, so if you're highlighting a specific story or theme—like grief, forgiveness, or family restoration—I can tighten the focus even more. 

Want to be a guest on ABCs of Parenting Adult Children? Send James Moffitt a message on PodMatch, here: https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/parentingadultchildren

Richard Jones. I am an RN with over 34 years of Nursing Experience, much of that experience working with young adults in the corrections system. 

Hello, James here !

Please click on the subscribe button to gain access to premium episodes.

Please go to parentingadultchildren.org website and sign up for the email list and leave a review for this episode. 

If you have any requests for future topics send me an email to TalkPAC@proton.me

Please share this podcast with your friends and family. Now for today's guest intervi

Transcript

James Moffitt (00:01.486)
Hello and welcome to ABC's Parenting Adult Children podcast. My name is James Moffitt and I'll be your host. Today we have a guest speaker, Kent Darcy. Kent, how are you?

Kent Darcie (00:11.968)
I'm doing great, good to be with you.

James Moffitt (00:14.388)
Yeah. Thank you for being here. do me a favor and introduce yourself to the listening audience, please.

Kent Darcie (00:19.798)
Sure. I'm Kent Darcy. I am the founder of Adults with Divorced Parents Ministries. I'm also a licensed professional counselor. been married for 41 years to my high school sweetheart, and we have three adult kids.

James Moffitt (00:35.214)
Oh, wow. Katie and I've been married for 34 years and we raised four children. They're all grown and gone. Oh, they're never, they're never totally gone, but they're, live on their own anyway. So 40, 41 years. That's pretty, that's pretty amazing.

Kent Darcie (00:43.254)
Mm-hmm.

Kent Darcie (00:47.489)
Mm-hmm.

Kent Darcie (00:51.638)
We're very thankful. It's been, in fact, actually we were together six years prior to that. We met in 12th Yeah.

James Moffitt (00:58.417)
my. So y'all are high school sweethearts. Not quite high school. Yeah. Yeah.

Kent Darcie (01:01.644)
Well, yeah, for a year. Yeah, well, senior year in high school, actually, we met. And after that, she went away to college. So we were away for 2 and 1 years and all that sort of craziness. And then we decided we were on us. And we've been going at it for a lot of years.

James Moffitt (01:07.522)
Yeah.

James Moffitt (01:20.256)
I was at our public's pharmacy in goose Creek where we live the other day. it's probably been a month. say the other day and I saw this, I saw this old couple sitting together, you know, and you could tell they're in their seventies or eighties, you know, and so I was checking out and I went over and stood in front of them. said, can I ask you a question? And they're like, sure. I said, how long have y'all been married? And he said, 66 years. And I was like,

Wow. I said, I've heard of 50, I've heard of 55, but never 66 years. I said, what's the, what's the magic there? How, how did y'all stay together that long? And the guy looked at his wife and she said, we were in the military for 30 of those years. And so we, we weren't really around each other for the first half of our marriage. And then we, we all got a chuckle out of that. you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess. Yeah.

Kent Darcie (02:12.622)
I guess, there you go.

James Moffitt (02:15.31)
So I'm going to read something from your bio, I guess. Uh, it says we can engage you in a conversation focused on the nuanced effects of parental divorce on adult children and the unresolved emotions influencing relationships and mental wellbeing. Uh, you're going to, you could address denial and overcoming challenges as crucial talking points for your audience of parents seeking deeper understanding. So I wanted.

for you to be on our show, because I know that there are probably single parents listening to this podcast and, there's parents that are either contemplating divorce or they're separated or they're in process of getting the divorce and all of the complications and complexities that surround all of that. I would like to say or hope that nobody is going through that, but I went through that personally.

So, so I know that there's probably people listening to this podcast that could use your expertise.

Kent Darcie (03:24.319)
Well, it's interesting. ABC is a parenting adults. Some of those adults have divorced parents, as you mentioned. But the first thing I want to say is, and this is really important, is that my ministry, we are not about bashing divorced people. We don't dishonor parents. We're not, if you're divorced and you're listening, I'm not going to talk about the right or wrong reasons for divorce, or theology of divorce, or any of that sort of stuff. Basically, my position is that the divorce happened.

What are the possible impacts on the kids or adult kids? And how do we deal with those impacts? So, you know, if you're out there and you're listening and you're divorced or whatever, you can relax, because this is absolutely not going to be bashing session. I'm a person of faith, and the Bible says we are to honor our father and our mother. And I found that I was more able to do that after I worked through a lot of this stuff, because my parents divorced when I was 13.

James Moffitt (04:18.508)
I got you.

I, my parents, they didn't have the most loving relationship. My father, father, I was, my sister and I were adopted in Germany by a military family, mom and dad, and they, they brought us to America. And I am absolutely thrilled that they did that for us because we, we were provided a

Probably a much better level of living than we would have experienced had we stayed in that orphanage and so they provided You know room aboard a roof over our head food school clothes school books all of all of the physical necessities that children need and security But they didn't know how to demonstrate love to their children and

Kent Darcie (04:52.203)
Hmm.

James Moffitt (05:14.71)
My dad, who was a drill instructor for 26 years in the army, he, he, self-medicated with, you know, with alcohol and, he had a temper. And so I have memories of some heated arguments between him and my mother. He, I don't think he ever put his hands on her, but he certainly, there's a lot of yelling and screaming going on. And, they, they, they actually talked about divorce at one point that I remember.

Kent Darcie (05:24.425)
Hmm, okay.

Kent Darcie (05:32.565)
Mm-hmm.

Kent Darcie (05:36.4)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

James Moffitt (05:43.692)
I remember my dad coming in to my bedroom and asking me, said, Hey, we're separating and we're getting a divorce. Who do you want to live with? And I was, I was like, I don't want to live with you, dude. I'll live with mom because she's not going to beat me every day. Like you do, you know, I didn't say that. I didn't, I didn't know what to say. I would just kind of look at him going, Jesus, what, what answer am I supposed to give here? Because I don't want to make anybody mad, you know, and well, anyway, I was probably.

Kent Darcie (05:54.206)
Kent Darcie (05:59.264)
Yeah, yeah.

Kent Darcie (06:08.341)
Yeah. About how old were you when that happened?

James Moffitt (06:13.856)
Eight, nine, 10 years old, something like that. Yeah. In that range. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. And, they, they managed to, keep it together. think family family got to, you know, his brothers, he was, raised in Quinlan, Texas and he had, several brothers and sisters and, they, think they, they did a.

Kent Darcie (06:15.377)
eight, nine, 10 years old. Yeah, I've heard that before. Yeah, and sometimes it's the judge that asks that question. And that's, wow, that's...

Kent Darcie (06:37.247)
Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt (06:42.028)
somewhat of an inner vision with him and got, got involved and helped him to realize the error of his way. so, so I would say things kind of evened out and, know, they did not get separated or divorced. And so, you know, at that time, at that time in my life, I really didn't know how to, how to process all of that or what it would have looked like had that really happened or I don't know.

Kent Darcie (06:44.074)
Okay.

Kent Darcie (06:58.256)
wow. Wow.

James Moffitt (07:10.348)
So, so it, you know.

Relationships and marriages are complicated, can be complicated. And, sometimes marriage doesn't work. mean, I was, I'm on my second marriage. My first marriage lasted all of two years and, we were very young and we, in retrospect, we should have never gotten married. You know, I have a 38 year old son that came from that marriage. but, you know, I, I'm very, very, familiar.

Kent Darcie (07:17.706)
Yes.

Kent Darcie (07:24.875)
Okay.

Kent Darcie (07:32.747)
Mm-hmm.

Kent Darcie (07:36.671)
Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt (07:43.49)
with what all of that entails. It can be very ugly.

Kent Darcie (07:46.334)
Hmm.

Yeah, actually, because I've been doing this for 20 years and I deal with the adults who have divorced parents, by its very nature, you're dealing with, you know, personally, I know people and my parents that have gone through divorce and have gone through divorce. it is, well, the research shows it's the second highest emotional impact of any relationship from a negative standpoint, is divorce first being the death of a spouse.

So it is, you know, another reason we don't beat up on divorced people is because it is tremendously challenging and traumatic and very, very difficult time and causes a number of issues and layers for the divorced parents. So yeah, I mean, it can be really, really challenging.

James Moffitt (08:36.578)
I think, you I'm a, I'm a child, I'm a boomer child of the six, you know, seventies and eighties. And I think back then, divorce, like many other social issues was, there was kind of a stigma attached to it and people didn't, people didn't really come out of the closet or talk to it or admit it or, or anything, you know? So don't think, I think, I think we knew about divorce, but we didn't really know people in our

Kent Darcie (08:42.208)
Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt (09:05.454)
family circle or whatever that we're actually getting a divorce or got a divorce or whatever. So, so I think, I think now I think there are, I may be wrong, but I'm thinking, you know, uh, in 2025 or, know, late 1990s up until now, uh, there were probably more resources and more, it was more acceptable, uh, for that to happen, you know, in marriages. Yeah.

Kent Darcie (09:10.997)
Yeah, yeah.

Kent Darcie (09:31.478)
absolutely. A lot more resources. Yeah. Yeah, but it also, the reasons for divorces has changed through the years. For many years, the number one reason for divorces was infidelity, that there was a breach in a marriage. But that stopped, I would say 10 or 12 years ago now, where the number one issue now is we're just not getting our needs met. We're not happy. So we're walking away.

James Moffitt (09:52.279)
Okay.

James Moffitt (09:58.166)
It used to be money. What, what? Yeah. One of the reasons it used to be money. was pretty high on the list if I remember correctly. yeah. Absolutely. Yep.

Kent Darcie (10:00.042)
Yeah, well, that was on the list.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but infidelity was one for years and years and years and years. But now it's, I'm just not getting my needs met, so I'm moving on.

James Moffitt (10:15.34)
Yeah, and I think that the...

The marriage relationship, if you're a person of faith like we are, you'll laugh when I tell you this, but my wife and I have a coffin clause.

Kent Darcie (10:30.557)
Okay.

James Moffitt (10:32.238)
In other words, you're not getting out of the relationship unless you're dead. Right. That's, that's basically our commitment. And I'm not, I'm not saying that we're threatening to kill one another. If it doesn't work out, I'm just saying that, you know, uh, we recognized, especially my wife realized I came from a failed relationship and she married me anyway. And, uh, she stole my heart and ran off with it. I have no clue, you know, her and her girlfriends at first Baptist church in Houston.

Kent Darcie (10:35.565)
Ha

Kent Darcie (10:51.371)
Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt (11:01.25)
Did with my heart, somehow it got stolen and I fell in love again. And, so, I just lost my train of thought. I don't even know what I was talking about. but anyway.

Kent Darcie (11:03.541)
Ha

Kent Darcie (11:12.063)
Yeah, but we're talking about the impact and it's a wonderful thing. like, you know, as I said at the onset, we're gonna talk about some stuff that is real, but we are not gonna do it in a way that's gonna dishonor people that went through, for many, the most traumatic thing that's gonna happen in their lives because very often one was not in favor of it. So it was kind of forced on them.

That having been said, because they are going through the most emotionally trying event of their life, there isn't always as much emotional energy for the kids. There also is, and I was also one through divorce, my parents divorced when in 73. So it is ironic, because at the time I didn't know anybody whose parents were divorced, like you were saying. But as I look back, I can see

that I know they had divorced parents, and the irony of it is is that the numbers show that we were just past the peak of divorces at that time. There were a lot of divorces going on at that time. It just wasn't like you said. You just didn't hear about it. It was kind of behind the shadows. You just didn't know about it, but it was going on.

James Moffitt (12:24.727)
Right.

James Moffitt (12:32.14)
Yeah, I remember what I was going to say. I was going to say that, that,

You know, probably in the fifties, sixties, or whatever, people really took, marriage seriously. It was a, it was a holy matrimony. was a marriage contract and, people didn't have a, they didn't have a fly by night laxadaisical attitude that we see today where people are like, okay, yeah, we'll get married or a lot of people don't even want to get married. They just go, they just live together and you know,

We don't want to sign a contract. We don't need a marriage license, blah, blah, blah. And, because it's, a, it's a first sign of trouble. You know, we can just pack up our crap and go somewhere else and go do something else. Go find somebody else that's maybe more compatible with us. You know, so I, so I think, I think, you know, 30 or 40 years ago, there was a little more forethought and, you know, courtship and, maybe even pastoral counseling.

there was some, there was some, there was a thought process that was put into, you know, actually getting married to somebody and being committed to them. And I don't know where that. Yeah. And I don't know where that flew out the window, but there was, you know, I think with the advent of social media and dating apps and, you know, Facebook and, and, tick tock and, you know, my space and all those different social media apps where people could.

Kent Darcie (13:44.703)
till death do you part.

James Moffitt (14:05.004)
cheat on their spouses, you know, with somebody that they'd meet online or whatever. at some point the seriousness or the, or the, not to serious, the sacred, the sanctity of the marriage relationship kind of flew out the window, you know, which is kind of sad.

Kent Darcie (14:16.053)
sang today. Yeah.

Kent Darcie (14:21.803)
Well, and I think part of that is what we're talking about today. What happens when our parents divorce? How does it impact us? How does it impact how we think? How does it impact how we feel? What impact does it have on our relationships? We know the research shows that if somebody from an intact family marries somebody from a divorced family, that the odds of the marriage failing increases 50%. We also know the research shows that if

two people from divorced families marry, that the odds of the marriage failing compared to two people from an intact home, the odds of marriage failing is over 200 % higher. So just by its very nature, and when you look at some of the issues that affects adults with divorced parents, it's kind of interesting because they are the exact things that undermine relationships, strong relationships. And you also mentioned living together, which is rampant. It's the highest levels we've ever seen today.

James Moffitt (15:02.402)
Bye.

Kent Darcie (15:19.689)
But one of the reasons people live together is because they're afraid of divorce. They're afraid that it isn't gonna work out. They don't have the faith that they can even do it. So I'm not gonna take the chance on marrying and then having it fall apart. I'm gonna just live together. And in reality, and that's not a conversation we're gonna have time for today, but cohabitation, I teach on quite a bit because when you're dealing with adults with divorced parents,

They're afraid of divorce, which is one of the big things. They're not afraid. They're afraid their marriage won't work and we'll just live together because it's safer. And in reality, the opposite is true. It is not as secure. All the things that you're looking for in that relationship really aren't there. And as a result, what happens is, that we don't become who we really can be because we are kind of short-cutting commitment. We're short-cutting that

James Moffitt (15:53.336)
Right.

Kent Darcie (16:15.103)
deep relationship that we want. I particularly, whenever I teach about living together, I always speak to the women because they're usually the big losers in this. The guys get everything they want. They get the physical intimacy. They have somebody that cleans the house. And the research is fascinating on that. How even when they live together, she still does all the work and everything. Everything he wants, he's got. So why would he marry?

But she and even when we approach living together today, they call it either sliding or intentionality. And basically what sliding is, is the rent needs to be due, do I really wanna do my lease? Well, be cheaper financially, we should just live together. That's sliding. And what happens is, that the research shows that in many cases the woman will lose five, six,

eight of her datable years, say from roughly 20 to 28 or 22 to 30, those datable years when you're in college or your new job or whatever, and you lose those years because you finally dawns on you at 28, five, six, seven years, this guy is not gonna marry. And you come to a decision, what am I gonna do? And at that point, those years are gone. it doesn't, the research shows that really living together doesn't accomplish the goals that.

Today's hype would say it does.

James Moffitt (17:43.854)
Right. I think, I think some people live together and they, they treat it like a trial period. They're like, like when you're courting and you're dating, you've always got your best foot forward. You're always, you know, dressing nicely. You're always not belching or farting in public and you know, you're, you're on your best behavior. Right. And, uh, and then, but when people live together and they cohabitate 24 by seven.

Kent Darcie (17:52.235)
Yeah.

Kent Darcie (17:58.294)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

James Moffitt (18:12.856)
then that's when the real you comes out, you know, and all the irritating habits and embarrassing mannerisms and you know, whatever, you know, and, people are, you know, using, like I said, using that as a trial period to decide, well, are we really compatible? You know, we, we fell in, we fell in love at one point and there's some attraction there. There's some chemistry we're thinking about spending the rest of our lives together, but, but, but, but, know, let's

Let's, let's do a compatibility test and see if we're really going to be able to make it, you know, and sure.

Kent Darcie (18:45.727)
Right. And on the surface, that makes sense. But in reality, none of the research supports that. It's kind of fascinating. mean, on the senses, it makes sense. Of course, we'll do a trial period. But have you, you know, today we have all those reality programs where they have the camera, you know, the camera there and everybody's acting real. When was the last time you were somewhere and a camera showed up and everybody acted real? I mean, let's face it.

James Moffitt (18:52.93)
Right, I got you, I got you.

James Moffitt (19:03.98)
Well, of course. Yeah.

Kent Darcie (19:13.323)
I mean, and when you put that into a living relationship, one of the things that happens is that we aren't real. And, but again, particularly with the ladies, because the guys enter the relationship kind of, we'll see what's going on. The lady is usually entering the relationship as a tool for marriage. So as a result, when we live together, know, one of the scriptures says this, iron sharpens iron. You know, we get stronger.

Is she going to push if she's afraid he can just leave? Is she going to say those things that wives will say if she runs the risk of leaving? And we are also in a world right now where it's highly likely there's a kid involved. She already has a kid. So is she going to risk saying what really needs to be said, a healthy thing, putting in boundaries, all those things that marriage counselors say we need to do?

Is she gonna do that if the risk factor is that he could leave? So in reality, it isn't as safe. And from the male standpoint, again, being a person of faith, are we really going to be the person that God is calling us to be if we're never challenged? If we never are, that iron sharpens iron. And the research shows that married men live longer. Married men of faith really live longer.

And a lot of that is because guess who drags you to the hospital or makes you go to see the doctor or all that sort of stuff. It's the woman that does it. Well, if she's not willing to push, is she gonna do that? So again, the whole thing that sounds good on the surface, there's a number of reasons why in reality and in practice, it just doesn't work.

James Moffitt (20:41.678)
Sure, Right.

James Moffitt (21:00.27)
Would you say that women are more, more in tune with or geared towards wanting a commitment in a relationship? Because they're looking for security, looking for security. They're looking for somebody that's going to treat them and their child right, you know.

Kent Darcie (21:08.522)
absolutely, absolutely. And the ones that aren't, yes, absolutely.

Kent Darcie (21:18.013)
Absolutely. And the other thing you won't hear out there, because we're just in a culture that we want to do whatever we want, is that, know, you shouldn't stay with a husband, if he's not treating you right and he's abusing you and all this sort of stuff, which, absolutely. I if there's physical abuse, emotion, I am absolutely... There's a biblical separation that we look towards reconciliation. Absolutely. I never teach to stay in harm's way. However...

A lot of cases, that's not the case. It's not about that. So we wanna make sure that we're really careful. the point I was making is that.

that child, particularly the girls, are far more likely to be in danger with the cohabitation relationship than in the marriage relationship because you don't have blood. When stepbrothers, stepsisters come on the scene, there's no blood there. So all those issues that we're concerned about and everybody's saying, don't stay in the marriage because of this, it's far more likely, the research shows it's far more likely to happen in these cohabitating relationships. So they're not safe. And that security...

James Moffitt (22:09.41)
Gotcha. Right.

Kent Darcie (22:29.461)
that she's looking for, she's never really going to get until she's with somebody who's willing to make that commitment, or as Beyonce would say, puts a ring on it.

James Moffitt (22:37.772)
Right. Right. Right.

Kent Darcie (22:41.663)
In fact, it's kind of interesting. I'm assuming we can say this, but one of the more interesting things is, you today we're very big on intimacy and everybody can do intimacy wherever they want and have all sorts of stuff. But I saw research that showed that the women who are most satisfied in the bedroom are who we would consider, the world would consider the perudes. They are ones who are married to somebody who goes to church, is faithful in going to church, is trying to live by those principles. And you would think, wait a minute.

Why would they be the most satisfied? They're not having all the fun and everything. Well, it's exactly what you said. It's because here's somebody she can be, feels totally emotionally safe with, totally physically safe with, and feels totally able to totally release herself, which you don't have when you're out there playing the field and all the stuff we see in the movies and on Netflix.

James Moffitt (23:33.964)
Right, right. Well, tell us how did you get into this ministry?

Kent Darcie (23:41.366)
Well, my parents divorced when I was 13. And basically, I know there's a number of you listening that you didn't have good relationships with your dad, but I had a fantastic relationship with my dad. Loved him, he was my god, he was my hero, he was my Superman, he could do nothing wrong. And I did everything with him. When the divorce happened, I went from seeing him all the time and he moved hours away.

I went to seeing him maybe four or five times a year. And that was a huge loss for me. And my mom, you know, she did her best to raise two girls and an angry teenage boy, which was me. But basically I dragged anger into my adulthood and when I didn't realize it, I was in denial. And I was at a marriage encounter weekend where we were trying to work on our marriage, which I didn't think was that bad, by the way.

James Moffitt (24:24.322)
Right?

Kent Darcie (24:40.871)
And I just sensed God say, Kent, if you don't get your act together, you're on the same emotional path as your dad. And at that point, my dad, who was an adult child of divorce, from an adult child of divorce, from an adult child of divorce, as I understand it, had already divorced twice, was heading towards his third marriage. And that scared me to, just scared me to death, because I loved my wife, and I didn't want to divorce.

James Moffitt (25:05.293)
Sure.

Kent Darcie (25:07.455)
But here now we're saying, hey, you know, if you don't get your act together. So I'm basically a researcher by heart. And I did a lot of research, interviewed counselors and adults with divorced parents and read books and there's tons of research. And I learned a couple of interesting things. A lot also from a book called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, which was the first book that I stumbled across. And I learned two big things. First of all, my parents' divorce, even though this was now 20 years later,

James Moffitt (25:28.427)
Okay.

Kent Darcie (25:37.194)
my parents' divorce was still impacting me. The second thing I learned was that there were millions of me out there that had no idea that the parental divorce thing was really still impacting me. So at the time I was serving on the deacon board of the church and I said, hey, we need to let people know about this. And they were like, well, go ahead. So I did my first all-day seminar back in 2004, basically to share what I'd learned. And a few, 10 years later, I'd started adult children divorce ministries then, 10 years later,

It became a 501c3 nonprofit. A few years later, I got my master's in counseling. And here we are.

James Moffitt (26:13.398)
Wonderful.

going through being a child of a divorce is not, not wonderful. however, it's good to, it is wonderful that you, worked through the anger and work through, the things that happened to you because of that, you know, and you're probably a better person because of that. And, and you, you, you can have empathy for other people.

Kent Darcie (26:23.573)
with divorced parents.

Kent Darcie (26:41.869)
absolutely.

James Moffitt (26:47.97)
That went through the same thing. You know, it's easy to have sympathy for somebody, but if you've never walked in their shoes, you can't have empathy for them. So you, you can truly be empathetic towards somebody that's a byproduct of a broken relationship or somebody that's actually in a broken relationship. so that's

Kent Darcie (26:55.882)
Right.

Kent Darcie (27:07.935)
And there's common issues that affect us. And that's the thing that I learned. And you've mentioned a couple of times, anger is the number one issue that impacts adults with divorced parents. We have unresolved anger. It might come from blame. We tend to blame people. We blame one or the other. Another thing that we see is the loyalty challenge. I call it the loyalty challenge. And basically, that's who do you love the most? Me, mom or dad?

James Moffitt (27:18.733)
Right.

Kent Darcie (27:35.872)
I mean, you said, yes, who are you going to stay with? And that plays out as tension, and we get angry because we don't want to choose in most cases. We love everybody, and we don't want to have to choose one, and we become angry with that. Another big issue we deal with is fears. We have the fear of abandonment, the fear of conflict, the fear of inadequacy, fear of marriage we've talked about, fear of divorce.

And those fears, most of which is under the radar, we're not aware of that. But for instance, fear of conflict. For somebody from an intact family, conflict in a relationship is conflict. You have a whatever. But if you have divorced parents, in our brains, conflict equals divorce. So we avoid it like the plague. We don't want conflict because conflict equals divorce. Now in reality, that's not true. When you put two people together,

James Moffitt (28:23.916)
Right?

Kent Darcie (28:32.651)
You're gonna have conflict. And you work through it and you process through it. But what did we see? We saw conflict and then divorce. So in our brains, it's hardwired that you want to avoid that. Another thing that affected me personally, well, all of these affected me personally, but this one was particularly interesting. It's called the fear of doom. And basically what that is, is that we're always waiting for the rug to get pulled out from under us. Many of us,

Even if the parents were fighting, even if they threatened divorce, we never really expected it to happen to us. You know, we hear the numbers, 50 % of all the marriages, but we never expected it to come washing up onto our shores. And we got caught off guard. And what happens is we go through life expecting things to fail. And one of the things that really struck me in the research was that you're from an intact family, job's going good, kids are behaving, marriage is going well, everything is great.

James Moffitt (29:10.819)
Right.

Kent Darcie (29:28.469)
your anxiety level goes down. If you have divorced parents, job's going good, kids are behaving, know, the marriage is going okay, life is good, your anxiety level goes up. Why would that be the case? And that's because you have more to lose. If it's all gonna fall apart anyway, you get more stressed when things go good. So what happens is...

know, one of the things that was taught in the Bible was that Jesus said, he's come to bring life more abundantly. I call that zero to 10 life. Some things are really great. Some things are really not great. But what we tend to do is live between four and seven. We don't get too low, because if we get too low, we're just going to lose it. And we don't get too high, because why go there? You're only going to be disappointed anyway. And that's a really sad way to go through life. And that's why I try and communicate these things.

You know, first, because they undermine marriages. Second, because we have this great life that we have. Not perfect and bad things happen, but we have this, we can anticipate, because life is good. Good things do happen, but when we're going through the thing, any minute, they can all fall apart. We don't enjoy life like we could.

James Moffitt (30:43.586)
Right. That's true. One of the, one of the episodes that I did recently, solo was, on parent alienation. And, I, I had, I was just thinking about that one day because I really went through that in my, my in-laws and my ex-wife, they, they did a real number on my son and did everything they could.

Kent Darcie (30:55.389)
Okay, deal.

James Moffitt (31:13.678)
to teach him what a monster I was and how irresponsible I was, and that was a bad father. And so I did a, I did a, I did an episode on that because I think it's something that needs to be talked about, you know, and it's something that happens all too frequently, especially in divorces.

Kent Darcie (31:17.195)
There you go.

Kent Darcie (31:33.662)
It does. Yeah, it does. When I'm in counseling, and if I'm counseling somebody who's going through a divorce, because in my counseling practice, I deal with all sorts of stuff. mean, depression, family issues, divorce, whatever. And then in my ministry, I deal just with adults with divorced parents. But when I have somebody in front of me, usually just one of them, and they're going through a divorce, I am big on teaching that it is the important to take the high road.

James Moffitt (31:45.294)
Sure.

Kent Darcie (32:03.903)
Because what happens is, is if we go for the jugular now, and we're bad-mouthing the other parent, and we're saying all these negative things about them, and parent alienation, and lighter versions of it, sooner or later when the kids grow up, they get it. And the light bulb goes off, and they see the truth. And then you've lost them. So maybe you won a battle or two, but you lose the war. And that's why when I deal with clients that are going through a divorce, I am a huge...

James Moffitt (32:21.59)
Right? Right.

Kent Darcie (32:33.859)
on take the high road. never, and it's basic co-parenting, you never bad mouth your spouse or your ex in front of the kids, never, you know, and you don't diss them, you don't whatever. And well, even if it's hard and you're doing it to you, well, what happens if I lose the kids? They're the, just hang in there. Just tow the road. Cause what'll happen, and again, I've been doing this for 20 years and I can't tell you how many times the light bulb goes off at 35.

James Moffitt (32:40.204)
Right. Right.

Kent Darcie (33:03.339)
28 or whatever and they go wait a minute Dad or mom never said anything negative about you know, the other parent he never did they were always there They just they supported me they never whatever and the light bulb goes off and this and the situation flips So it's so important. Yeah parent alienation It's it's on the spectrum my mom Man, I she was not a big fan of my dad

James Moffitt (33:33.254)
Yeah, I'll bet.

Kent Darcie (33:34.248)
You know, so, yeah, that was pretty interesting, but I just, anybody that's, you know, you, you addressed a lot of different people at the beginning of this and anybody that's going through divorce. I can't recommend enough. Don't follow the co-parenting rules. Don't bad mouth them. No matter what the other people are doing, don't do tit for tat. Don't do that because the kids in most cases will get it down the road.

When they become an adult or whatever, they're gonna see the truth and then you've got them for the long haul. Don't think about the battles, go for the war.

James Moffitt (34:12.066)
Right. That's good. So how does denial influence adult children of divorced parents?

Kent Darcie (34:23.057)
It keeps us from being whole, happy, having healthy relationships because if you're like me and I was denial for what 20 years, particularly with anger, we're blaming everybody instead of looking at, you know, whatever it is, which is us. You know, one of the other issues we deal with is we don't trust anybody. Adults with divorced parents really make people trust, you know, earn their trust.

And if we're in denial, we don't acknowledge the fact that, you know what, some people you can't trust, but actually most people you can. And the other thing that happens with situations like trust is it is our tendency to poke people with a stick to see if we can trust them. And we poke them with a stick, poke them with a stick, poke them with a stick, poke them with a stick. And then they go, I'm tired of this. And they leave and we go, see, I knew we couldn't trust them. so when we're in denial,

as I was for a lot of years, it robs us of the opportunity for the healing that is available when we understand that we have anger issues, when we understand that we're fearing of conflict, we're fear of abandonment, we're fear of rejection every minute. And for guys, the fear of inadequacy feeds anger. We hate feeling inadequate. We hate that. It feeds anger. And guess what? If we're angry at her,

She responds in a way that will be disrespectful, which makes us more insecure, which makes us more angry, and it just feeds itself. So denial, I encourage, if you're listening to this right now and you're going, whoa, you know what? He's striking a little bit closer to home than I would like to admit. I really encourage you, you're at a fork right now. You can either go back and go into denial like I was.

Or, and then you hear a message that's like, hey, you're heading down the wrong path. Or you can go, you know what? Maybe there's something to this because the holidays are a hassle and birthdays are a hassle and all that. But you know what? I'm angry all the time. I don't relax. I never relax. I'm a control freak because I believe that if I, if I could just control everything, then it won't fall apart, which is not true. Cause the harder we hold apart, the more things fall apart, you know? So I would encourage you to just

James Moffitt (36:39.34)
Right. Right.

Kent Darcie (36:45.523)
It's not a coincidence that you're hearing this program today. I believe in God incidences that you were called to be here and hear this. And I just encourage you to take a look at what you're experiencing. If you're in a relationship right now, ask them, they'll tell you. Well, yeah, anger, uh-huh. Fear, yeah, I just mentioned this and you went ballistic. You know, didn't even want to get married because you asked the people around you and they'll probably tell you, yep, you're...

you're probably affected by some of this. So don't be in denial like I was because you're robbing yourself of freedom and enjoyment. I was not, I mentioned earlier, we've been married for 41 years. I was not a great person for a lot of years. had big time anger issues and it wasn't all children of divorce, but that contributed a lot to it.

and insecurity. I was highly insecure, had a lot of fears. And, you know, if you have anger issues, and it's obviously not you, so I blame my wife, I blamed everybody, you know, whatever. And it was a rough, rough go. It's only by the grace of God that we made it through to these last few years. But I am so thankful that because I moved past my denial and really dived into this stuff and really started looking at how did my parents' divorce affect me,

I was able to get the healing that I needed and I can be the spouse that my wife, my incredible wife, deserves and a better reflection of what a good marriage is to our kids.

James Moffitt (38:21.902)
Right? So one of the, one of the recurring themes or topics that we have in this podcast is, uh, emotional intelligence. And what does that mean? It means that, that we are able to do some introspection and we're able to look at ourselves through a, through a clear lens, or as clear a lens as possible, you know, and, and understand.

What motivates us, what drives us, you know, why do we act the way we act? And, um, men are, men are not real. We don't like to do that. You know, we, we, uh, we were taught, or at least I was taught men pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. They work hard to provide for their family, but they're not going to, they're not going to get involved in any touchy feely.

warm, fuzzy conversations about how they're feeling about that day or about that situation. Right. And so, so men have to, especially if they have anger issues, for whatever reason, they really need to identify that they have the problem. Number one, and number two, hopefully they're with a partner, spouse, whatever that a significant other that can, can prod them.

Kent Darcie (39:20.817)
Nope. Nope.

James Moffitt (39:46.074)
encourage them to figure out what's going on with that, you know, because angry issues absolutely are uncomfortable to deal with. The person that's angry is not happy. And the person that is affected by that anger is not happy, you know, and if you got kids involved and they're not happy either. Right.

Kent Darcie (40:04.427)
It crushes hearts. just is, you know.

James Moffitt (40:06.604)
Right. denial is kind of a self-perpetuating disaster. Right.

Kent Darcie (40:13.855)
Yeah, yeah, it is. And it's not an emotional, it is not, you when I talk with guys, because you're exactly right, we do not like, you know, talking about emotional issues or anything. But the reality of it is, is we are emotional. We are fearful. No one can make us feel more inadequate. And it's not malice or intent. It's just how they're wired. Nobody can make us feel more inadequate or inferior.

James Moffitt (40:28.224)
sure.

Kent Darcie (40:38.719)
than our loved one, our wife, our family, because they're a different gender. They think things differently. They are relational. We are more logistical. And we don't know a lot of this stuff. I've been dealing with some couples that they're having kids. And the wives expect the husband to be able to be nurturing and be this. Well, guess what? He didn't babysit. He didn't do all this sort of stuff. He's expecting this kid to come out. We're going to throw a baseball. And it doesn't work that way.

James Moffitt (40:43.31)
Sure. Right.

Kent Darcie (41:07.371)
You know, so the reality of it is, that emotionally we shun from that thing, but we are very emotional. We are fearful that we're not going to be able to, you know, do what we need to do. are feeling particularly if there's, and again, it's kind of interesting in the context of adults with divorced parents, this becomes even more exacerbated because we often didn't get trained. Now in our generation, we didn't have 50-50 custody.

James Moffitt (41:07.693)
Right.

Kent Darcie (41:37.26)
In most cases, it went to the mom. And as a result, and again, my mom did the best she could with a teen. I was 13 when her parents got divorced. So you're just heading into puberty and all this sort of stuff. And I didn't learn. I mean, she did her best to teach, but I didn't learn basically what it is to be a man. And we're not going to have time to deal with father hunger today. But the reality of it is, is we have a lot of men out there who don't

James Moffitt (41:49.004)
Right.

Kent Darcie (42:06.517)
have a clear image of what it is to be a healthy male. We're not seeing that. And it's not some plot from the women and all that. They're women. So if they're raising us, they're going to raise us through that lens. But the reality of it is, is we need that model. What is it to be a man? What does it look like to be a man? And we're kind of feeling our way along, so we are more susceptible to feeling inadequate or feeling inferior. And that breeds anger, which only reinforces the process.

James Moffitt (42:35.33)
Right.

So, I was going to ask you about the father of hunger because I've never heard of that.

Kent Darcie (42:43.529)
Okay, basically father hunger is when the father leaves it creates a gap. For women, it's particularly problematic. Anger affects men and women, but it comes out in when negative behavior is with men. With father hunger, it affects men and women, but it comes out in when negative behavior is with women. The research shows that women, when the parents divorce, they receive it egocentrically, they call it. Basically,

the dad didn't leave the mom, the dad left them. If they had been prettier, if they had been smarter, if they'd done whatever, then dad wouldn't have left. Now we know that's not true. But when we're dealing with young girls, that's how they're filtering it. And what happens is women are looking for an answer to two questions. Am I beautiful? And am I special? And I'm not talking about supermodel beauty or anything like that, just beautiful in the eyes of our father.

And if they don't get that answer in a constructive, healthy way from a dad or a strong, safe relative, they're going to get that answer. And too often they get it from guys who are gonna say, yeah, you're special, you're beautiful, if, if you do this, if you do that. And it just perpetuates the woundedness. Now for guys, the question is, do I have what it takes to be a guy?

Do I have what it takes to be a man? My generation was John Wayne and now today it's The Rock or whoever's out there today. But a lot of these images are distorted and we don't have that image of do I have what it takes to be a man? And father hunger, when the father is gone, even if like today a lot of it's 50-50, joint custody, but that means 50 % of the time, there's the expression that

you know, we both have kids, that more is caught than taught. Well, even with 50 % of the time, there's 50 % less time to catch things. And when we are with them, it tends to not be natural. It tends to not be normal, because we're with custody and this sort of stuff, and you have the Disneyland parents and all this sort of craziness. So we lose... Father hunger robs us of that model that we need to be the male that we need.

James Moffitt (44:40.846)
.

Kent Darcie (45:06.115)
or the female that we need to be. It's kind of interesting. It actually, both of those land on the father's side, because the females get their femininity, their confirmation of their femininity from the dad, and the guys get their confirmation of masculinity from their dad. So when he's gone, we end up with this father hunger vacuum that unfortunately, the wrong people can try to fill.

James Moffitt (45:32.364)
That's interesting. Thank you for explaining that.

Kent Darcie (45:35.116)
Yeah, yeah. It also distorts our view of God. You know, we've talked about faith issues a little bit. Elizabeth Markhart, you know, in her book Between Two Worlds talked about how we hear the scriptures when our parents divorce. You know, honor your father and your mother. Well, we might sit in the pew and look to our left and, well, that might be good for you and that might be good for you, but honor my father? Are you honor my mother? Are you kidding me? And we start to look at exceptions. You know, she had a really interesting survey on the prodigal son.

where basically the story is the son says, I'm gonna get my inheritance. And he goes off and he wastes all his money on, know, women, wine, women and song. And eventually the father watches for him and he comes back. Well, she found in her research that with adults with divorced parents, it's when they hear that story, it's the parent that left and they're waiting for the parent to come back. And I've dealt with people in workshops and seminars that their parents divorced

40 years ago, and there is still that little voice that says, if they would just get their act together, if they would just do this, they could get remarried again and we could be a family again. Now, rationally, we know they're remarried, they've got a life and whatever, but I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say, yeah, I still think if he could just stop doing this, if they could get back together again, it never really goes away.

And that's something that, again, it can distort when we say, you he's a good God. Well, is that really true with what I experienced? And the reality of it is, is yeah, it's true because as he gives us a choice, God doesn't say, you're going to do this. He gives us the choice. Our parents also made choices and one or both of them chose to do things that have had a negative impact on us for, well, a long time.

James Moffitt (47:30.892)
Right. Good stuff.

Kent Darcie (47:33.782)
You know, so one of the things that's important is, and you talked about denial, is we want to make sure that we learn what's going on. There are resources out there, you know, our website's hopeforadp.com and for the number four, adp.com. And basically learn what's going on. If your heart's kind of going, maybe this is me or maybe your spouse is somebody and going, that's him or that's her, get resources, find out what's going on. The second thing I would recommend.

James Moffitt (47:36.823)
Ahem.

Kent Darcie (48:03.367)
is talk to somebody. It is amazing how many people never talk to anybody about the divorce. Now, I was doing a workshop one time at a college, and Friday night I had, I think the sister came up to me afterward and said, you know what? I've never talked to my brother about this, about the parents' divorce. The next day I had the brother, and he came up and said, you know what? Last night was the first time my sister and I ever talked about the divorce.

We just don't talk about it. There's dirty laundry, there's whatever. I would encourage you to talk to your spouse, your significant other, your partner, and just start sharing about this. The other thing you can get some good resources, there's some really good resources out there. If your parents waited until you were an adult to divorce, that's called gray divorce. It creates this whole other issues. There's a good book called Home Will Never Be The Same Again. It's by Friedenberg and Hughes, and it deals with gray divorce. What do you do if you get a call at work,

I'm leaving your dad or I'm leaving your mom and he'd been married for 37 years. What do you do? What's gonna happen? Really great book. I also wrote a book called Choose a Better Path Overcoming the Impact of Your Parents' Divorce. It's the only book of its type really. It's kind of a devotional where you kind of wander through the various issues that impact adults with divorced parents, but in a very user-friendly thing, a very user-friendly format. So it kind of gives, it opens the door to, I dealing with anger issues?

Am I dealing with fears? Do I have unforgiveness in my heart? Am I grieving? Do I have father hunger issues? And it kind of just scratches the surface on, you know, hey, maybe this is going on, but we definitely want to do something. Don't go from this thing and go, well, that was interesting, but I'll be okay until the next birthday or the next holiday. And then I'll just suck it up and can't wait for Christmas to be over with. And we'll move on to the next year. No. What I encourage you to do is

Let's look at some of these resources. Let's talk to somebody. Talk to your spouse, partner, significant other. Well, what was it like when that happened, when your parents divorced? And talk about it. And guys, talk about it. Ladies, he's not gonna talk about it and use as many words as you will, so just give him some slack. Let him talk a little bit, but I encourage you to talk about it. And then, if you're dealing with significant anger issues,

Kent Darcie (50:24.419)
or there was some trauma. Father hunger can lead women to places they shouldn't be or have things that happened to them that shouldn't have happened. Abuse, sexual abuse, whatever. See a professional counselor. See a professional Bible counselor. Get some help. Don't try and do this by yourself, but do something. Don't go into denial because it's not gonna go away and things can be a lot better. And most of all,

Do it for your kids. Do it for your spouse. Do it for yourself, because it doesn't have to be this way.

James Moffitt (51:02.348)
It's a, it's interesting that you brought up gray divorce because I think it's, it's a, it's more prevalent in the 21st century where parents raise children, get them through high school, get them into college. They, they're empty nesters and then they find themselves looking in the mirror or looking at each other going, well, who are you? Cause because our, our identity, our identity as parents is so

Kent Darcie (51:10.461)
Absolut.

Kent Darcie (51:25.717)
huh.

James Moffitt (51:32.046)
tightly wrapped around who our children are and what's happening in their lives. And then when they leave, then all of sudden we're back face to face with one another. And because our identity is wrapped in the children, we're so tightly woven with who the children are and how they're doing and how they got there that we've lost connectivity with one another, right? And unfortunately, elderly parents

Kent Darcie (51:56.137)
Yeah.

James Moffitt (51:59.918)
wind up going, well, we'll just be roommates or, or they decide, Hey, we've done, we've, is the end of the road and we're just going to go do our thing now. You know, we'll be who we want to be and. I'll still talk. Oh, yeah.

Kent Darcie (52:11.659)
Yeah, that's double digits now. I've talked with people 38 years, 42 years, 47 years, and they're finding out that their parents are getting a divorce. And real briefly, that opens up another kind of can of worms. Some of the major issues that affect, if your parents divorced after you were an adult, some of the issues that you deal with is, one of the big ones is there's no support. Because one of the things you'll hear is, well, they're happy. Shouldn't they spend the last 33 years and be happy?

And you're an adult, what's the big deal? You don't live there anymore. Well, the big deal is now you're explaining to your kids why grandpa and grandma aren't together anymore, and your Christmases are all different, and your things are all different, and you're not getting any support from anybody. Another issue is TMI, where basically when parents, when you're a child and your parents divorce, good parents will tend to protect you. They don't get in all the gruesome details of all the stuff. When you're an adult,

You should understand why your husband, why your dad is such a bum or why your mom is such a bum. You should understand that and you should be on my side in this sort of thing. And, or they will tell you stuff. I don't want to know that you're unhappy in the bedroom or whatever. I don't want to hear that sort of stuff, they'll treat you more as a friend than as child. You also have the loyalty challenge, which is huge. Doubt is one of the things that really, really bothers me about gray divorce.

because there's kind of an adage that, you know, if mom can put up with that or dad can put up with that all these years, then, you we'll make it okay too. But after 40 years, when their parent, their marriage falls apart, you know, it kind of comes in, that little voice comes in, it goes, wow, if they couldn't make it after all these years, how on earth are we gonna make it? And then the doubt comes in and then all the stuff you talked about with social media and all that kicks in where, you know, if you're not happy, just move on. You know, we'll kick in. So gray divorce.

James Moffitt (53:54.03)
Right?

Kent Darcie (54:04.043)
which is double digits now, you're seeing the silver say single commercials and all that sort of stuff now. It is rampant out there, unfortunately, and there's even less help. Whereas you had mentioned earlier when our parents divorced, there was really nothing out there to help, going through divorce or dealing with parents. Now there's a lot of resources out there if you're going through a divorce or if you're a child of divorce. For great divorce,

James Moffitt (54:08.494)
yeah, yeah.

Kent Darcie (54:32.009)
There's very little out there because it's not a big deal according to the world. And yet your world has basically fallen apart and now you're looking backwards. Was any of it real or worse? The parents will say, well, we only stayed together because of you. Now their misery is your fault. So gray divorces is really problematic.

James Moffitt (54:54.688)
Amen. Well, Ken, I appreciate you being on our podcast episode today and for talking with us and sharing all this very helpful information. And, yeah. And so to my listening audience, I want to say thank you for the pleasure of your, privilege of your time. And, you can hear this podcast on, Amazon music, iHeartRadio, Apple podcast, public radio, and on Activate FM.

Kent Darcie (55:03.284)
It's been my pleasure.

James Moffitt (55:21.684)
you can watch the video episode on rumble. That's R U B L E. It's the conservative version of YouTube. our website is located at parentingadultchildren.org parenting children adultchildren.org on the website. You can find my contact information. You send me a voicemail, send me an email. you'll see the upcoming show schedule in the blog area.

Uh, and there's a review button at the very top or a tab who says review, click on that and you can leave us review on any episode that you listen to. If you're on Apple podcasts and you listen to an episode and you like it right there on the, on your smartphone or your tablet, you can click on, leave a review and you can give however many stars and tell us how it resonated with you. I'd really appreciate y'all doing that because this podcast is for you. Right. Uh, I released a new.

episode every Friday morning at 8 AM. And thank you again for being here. hope you, you, get something out of this podcast episode and, Kent, thank you again for being here.

Kent Darcie (56:28.011)
It's been my pleasure.

James Moffitt (56:29.912)
And having said that, want to say bye bye.