Loving Without Controlling: A New Way to Parent Grown Kids

In this episode of ABC's Parenting Adult Children podcast, host James Moffitt speaks with Geneica McCoy, a parent advocate for families with children who have developmental disabilities. Janice shares her journey as a parent and advocate, discussing the importance of empowering parents to navigate the IEP process, build confidence, and engage with their communities. The conversation highlights societal attitudes towards developmental disabilities, the role of churches in supporting families, and the need for visibility and acceptance in society. Janice encourages parents to get involved, overcome shame, and recognize their purpose in advocating for their children.

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Richard Jones. I am an RN with over 34 years of Nursing Experience, much of that experience working with young adults in the corrections system. 

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Transcript

James Moffitt (00:01.304)
Hello and welcome to ABC's Parenting Adult Children podcast. My name is James Moffitt and I will be your host. Today we have a special guest speaker, Janice McCoy. Janice, how are you? Yeah, thank you for being here and taking out time. Yeah, absolutely. So do me a favor and introduce yourself to the listening audience.

Geneice McCoy (00:13.395)
I'm fine, thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Geneice McCoy (00:24.992)
Well, I'm Janiece McCoy, as he said, and I am the parent advocate's advocate. And what I do, I empower, uplift, and inspire parents who have children with developmental disabilities and to help them to understand. Because I am a parent of two children that have a developmental disability. I have three children altogether, and two of them, my sons, have a developmental disability and were diagnosed in the 90s. But I help parents to understand that

We're not special, our children are not special, but our assignment is special. And our assignment is to develop ourselves to be the best advocates that we can, raise our children to be as independent as possible so they can live full active lives, and last but not least, demonstrate to the rest of the world that God's grace is sufficient.

James Moffitt (01:20.226)
Very good. Okay. So I'm going to read this off of your profile. says, with extensive experience and advocacy for children with developmental disabilities, this episode could explore empowering parents of adult children with these disabilities. The discussion can focus on becoming effective advocates and addressing unique challenges and transitioning from adolescence to adulthood. So Janice, tell us a little bit.

Geneice McCoy (01:20.264)
And that's what I do.

James Moffitt (01:49.408)
about how you got into this.

Geneice McCoy (01:51.732)
Well, like said, my children were diagnosed back in the 90s and they're in their 30s now. you know, a parent, when that happens, you are an advocate, whether you want to be or not, because you have to make sure that your children become as independent as possible for themselves and their lives, but also because of the different systems that you're going to have to navigate because your child has a developmental disability, that you need to be an advocate who researches, who reads a lot, and who understand their child more than anyone else

James Moffitt (01:55.98)
Right.

Geneice McCoy (02:21.662)
and how to navigate through these systems of support. So I got started because of that. was, my husband and I were in the military. He was active duty. I was a spouse, of course, and I was in active duty. But we moved to a lot of different places. And so I learned that you have to always research where you are, where your children are going to be going to school, what state you're in. And even though now we're stable in Georgia and have been for the last 22 years or so,

and they're adults, I still have to advocate to navigate through different systems appropriately and stay abreast of things. But it all started years ago in the 90s.

James Moffitt (03:02.989)
I got you.

So.

James Moffitt (03:09.964)
My wife is a...

lead teacher, she's a resource teacher. And I'm telling you that because I see the next question has to do with IEPs. And it says what unique challenges do parents face in the IEP program or process rather?

Geneice McCoy (03:26.208)
Okay, and before I get to that, I'd to tell someone, I think you've mentioned earlier about the extensive advocacy. So I wasn't just advocating for my children. I'll give a little detail about my advocacy work before I answer the questions about IEP because that does come up a lot. Now, when we got stable, I wanted to dig more deeper into advocacy and helping parents to become better advocates.

James Moffitt (03:41.806)
Yeah, yeah, sure.

Geneice McCoy (03:55.136)
when we stabilized in Georgia, my husband retired here in Augusta, Georgia, where we reside now. And so I entered a program called Partners in Policymaking. So that was in like 37 states and Georgia had one. So I entered that advocacy training program and we met for a year and we did a lot of advocacy work and a lot of speakers come in and we talked to legislators a lot and learned how to speak to legislators and how to effectively advocate

in the state of Georgia. when you're in that program, you learn how to effectively advocate even more so in your own state and then, you know, nationally if you desire. From that, I served on the Governor's Council on Developmental Disabilities, selected by, I should say, by the chair and executive director because they look at your advocacy work and efforts in local communities and then decide whether not they would like to have you serve there. And so I did. And I also had a,

a support group in Augusta for eight years for parents who had children with developmental disabilities. And a little bit after that, I was appointed to the governor's council under Governor Deal's administration to serve as an appointee to his administration to serve on the council on developmental disabilities that I had already served as a ex-officio.

years before and an ex-officio is simply an advisor. So that's what I mean about extensive history and advocacy. I've done a lot of work, advocated a lot in Augusta, Georgia, different things and helped several parents and the support group was amazing and like I said, I did that for eight years. so getting back to your question, do you have any questions about that by the way? I know there was a lot.

James Moffitt (05:46.028)
No, no, it's very interesting. There's a lot, a lot to unpack there. And I think it's wonderful that you had exposure to that and it's empowered you to do things that you probably not would not have had access to. Right.

Geneice McCoy (06:00.87)
Exactly, yes. Because before I came to Georgia, I've never heard about Partners in Policymaking. And right now, Georgia does not have that program anymore. But I would like to myself personally try to bring that back at some point, because it's really amazing for parents. But getting to your IEP question, what in particular did you want to know about the IEP process?

James Moffitt (06:24.13)
Well, question is what unique challenges do parents face in the IEP process? And I'll tell you that I know a little bit about the individual education profile or whatever it's called. My wife does those on a weekly basis and she has IEP meetings with the principal and the parent about these IEPs. I think they're legal documents and the school has to develop them and then follow those.

documents in the development or in the educational process with the child, right?

Geneice McCoy (06:59.752)
Right, and it's a mandate, it's a federal mandate actually that falls on the idea, Individual with Disabilities Education Act. And so all states are required to do it because of the federal law and unfortunately it's up for debate right now with what's going on with the Department of Education. And parents are hoping that it does not go away or that it's not altered in a way that will affect them and their families, their child and their families. But the...

So yes, the IEP Individualized Educational Plan or program, depending on the state or school you're in, but it is an individualized plan that maps out the education of the child with a developmental disability. And since we're talking about adults, then especially for those who are becoming adults in their teen years in high school, that transitional plan should be a part of that IEP.

And that transitional plan is supposed to happen before the age of 16. And so they can, children can transition out into the community and get job experience and all that's supposed to be mapped out. But some of the challenges is just because things are written in writing and are mandated. mean, and oftentimes I know that, you your wife can probably attest to this. Just because things are sometimes written in writing, those things that are written in writing and there are laws

They're written sometimes by people, of course, who don't have to implement it. It's one thing to write it down and to see it and read it, but it's a whole different thing to implement it. So that's where the advocacy come in is with amazing teachers who help the parents advocate through it. But the parent needs to know on their own what to expect, what the law says, what the rights are and what the child's rights are. And to work together as a team with the teachers, the administrators and everyone who

sees the child on a daily basis, everyone should have a part and have a role in producing an effective IEP, an effective plan for that child. So some of the challenges are, you you may be working together with a team, but that doesn't mean everyone share the same philosophy, value, and or belief. So it's important to make sure that you're on the same page about that child's future, because if you see the future of the child differently,

James Moffitt (09:02.264)
Right.

Geneice McCoy (09:21.45)
then you're gonna bump heads more and you may not be as easy to produce that IEP and to make it as effective as possible as you can if there's not an agreement on at least the core values for that particular child.

James Moffitt (09:39.054)
Can you speak more to the core values?

Geneice McCoy (09:41.576)
Well, you have to agree on, for example, there may be someone on the team that think, I'll use my example, on our team for one of my sons, I believe I saw my son doing more than working at a grocery store, bringing in carts. These were some the suggestions. You know, maybe he could work at a grocery store and get the carts or bag groceries or do this. I knew that he could do more than that. I believed he could do more than that.

James Moffitt (09:54.03)
Mm-hmm.

Geneice McCoy (10:10.622)
I didn't want him trained to do that and that be a part of his IEP. And that's just one example. There was other things. So some people did not have the vision and believe that he could achieve certain things where there was other us that did. My teacher, well his teacher and I did, but there were others like maybe the reading specialist he had, or maybe another person on the team didn't believe.

But so we kind of bump heads in that area or so you have to have the same vision. And so our beliefs were different about what he could do. And so that's what I mean about having those same values and beliefs.

James Moffitt (10:54.158)
And I think you being the parent of your child, that you're going to be, or you should be way more motivated to place your child into the most optimal teaching environment and have them, provide them with the encouragement and the stimulation or incentives that they need to

to move the bar a little higher, right?

Geneice McCoy (11:25.15)
Right, exactly. And the parent is gonna be the first star. That's why I focus on parents and their advocacy. And I tell parents that you need to take the lead in this role for your family, for your child. Don't allow just because, and some parents are very intimidated. And so they're intimidated because they feel like, well, I'm not the expert. I don't have the experience. I don't have the degree. I don't have this. As you need to focus on what you do have and what you can get. You don't have to be, have those professional degrees.

You just need to be a professional on your child and how they learn and you need to research and study the laws and how the IEP works and different things like that. Even though you're going to push your child and you're going to encourage your child, you still have to have other people on your team to help you make things happen. I mean, you're not going to be able to do everything alone because you're going to have to prepare your child to be hired. So you're going to have to work with that employer. You're going to have to work with a job coach.

So it's a team effort. You're have to work with the teachers to help transition them. And there's so many children that are in middle school and high school that don't even receive transitional support because the parents don't know that they have to have transitional support. There are some teachers that don't know it depending on the district. And so someone may not mention it. I mean, it has to be brought up by the parent. They have to oversee everything to make sure it happens because

James Moffitt (12:41.357)
Ugh.

Geneice McCoy (12:50.312)
Whatever happens and whatever doesn't happen, you're the one that's stuck with it. And that's going to affect the outcome and the future of that child.

James Moffitt (12:55.832)
Right.

Right.

So how can parents develop the advocate within themselves?

Geneice McCoy (13:05.319)
Okay, the way they do that is this, I start off by telling them this, they have to develop the confidence that will give them the courage to solidify their commitment. So I try to help them remember the three C's, that's confidence, courage, and commitment. They have to develop that confidence that will give them that courage to solidify that commitment. And the way you start by developing that confidence is you have to know who you are.

A lot of parents, feel, and this is one thing I deal with a lot with the support group. Some parents still feel ashamed that they have a child with a developmental disability. Remember, we live in a world that goes by good, better, best. Who looks the best? Who speaks the best? Who does this the best? Who is, you know, and when we live in this kind of world who rank people and this caste system that we don't talk about, but we know it exists, and you never know how someone's...

thinking about one another, but this is the thing. Parents feel ashamed of having a child with a disability. Some may feel it's their fault. Some may feel like everyone's judging them or that everyone's looking at them, so they'll retreat. The number one thing that parents and people with developmental disabilities face the most is isolation. And so some of that time, sometimes it's due to the way society treat them and the shame. So the

first thing I talk about is getting that confidence and knowing who you are by this, knowing that everyone in the world, I don't care what they do, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief, you're all equal to everybody. It's one thing to say that, but it's another thing to believe that. A lot of people say that because they know they should say that and believe it, but internally they don't really believe it. So I tell them this, you're equal based on this alone and remember this, you all human beings,

You're equal on a human level. All human beings need the same thing, food, water, clothing, air, and shelter. That's how you're equal. So don't be intimidated by who you need to speak to, who you need to talk to, who you need to advocate with or in front of. You develop that confidence by knowing that. And don't be intimidated by it because many times people will get before someone they need speak to like a legislator.

Geneice McCoy (15:28.474)
or someone with the schools or their doctor or someone, they will automatically don't understand that they're basing themselves. And they will base themselves in front of others and be timid and not really advocate appropriately. So that's what I mean about developing that confidence. And sometimes it takes time, but it can be done. I've seen it done. When it's done, things amazingly change in the life of the parent. And then of course, that's gonna go trickle down.

to the child and things get better.

James Moffitt (16:00.334)
Right. One of the things that I can speak to is that when you say legislator, legislators are servants. They are elected into that position to serve their constituents, the needs of their constituents, and they are to pass laws that are going to benefit their constituents. Right. And a lot of times, unfortunately, in the world we live in,

Geneice McCoy (16:08.149)
That's right.

Geneice McCoy (16:16.586)
Bye.

James Moffitt (16:26.158)
The legislators act like they're little gods and they they They're influenced by lobbyist money and politics and agendas and they lose sight of the little people which is us, right? So we need to have that in mind when we're speaking to them. Obviously we should speak to legislators with respect, right? Is there in a position of

Geneice McCoy (16:32.018)
Exactly.

Geneice McCoy (16:51.389)
Exactly.

James Moffitt (16:54.776)
They have a stature and they have a position of power that they're in. so, we can still talk to them with respect, but we also need to garner their respect for who we are and what we were trying to do. But I can understand, it's just like standing before a judge. You got a traffic ticket or whatever, you're standing before a judge and you're afraid of what they're going to do to you and all that. They're humans just like we are. They're humans.

Geneice McCoy (17:07.412)
Right.

Geneice McCoy (17:23.431)
Exactly.

James Moffitt (17:24.578)
that are elected into a position, doing a job, and our job as parents and as advocates is to help to communicate to them in a way that you need their help. Like, I need your help so that my child can get the help they need, right? Does that make sense? Yeah. All right.

Geneice McCoy (17:42.63)
Exactly. And legislators, mean, just like, you can have, even someone that's your employer or an authority figure over you for some reason, the authority figures and legislators who we elect, just because they're in a different position doesn't mean that they're better than you. And see, you know that some of them act like gods, like you said, but there's a lot of parents who act like that people who have degrees higher than theirs,

or lot of degrees or they're doctor, therapists and legislators, they act like that they are more important than they are and that's not the case. And that's why I teach that confidence. There's a way to courteously demand respect. You can courteously do that without being aggressive. And that's what I, and I forgot to mention, that's what I also have in my book. That's one of the chapters, how to courteously demand respect. And the book I wrote is called, The Making of a Great Parent Advocate. Many are called,

but few are chosen. And that's because many of us are called to be parents, many of us are parents, but only a few of us, some of us are called to be parents of children with developmental disabilities. But you can certainly courteously demand respect and there's a way to do that. And so that's what I teach them as far as developing the advocate within.

James Moffitt (19:02.798)
Very good.

So let's talk about how societal attitudes impact families with developmental disabilities.

Geneice McCoy (19:12.444)
Okay, and when I talk about this subject matter, I like this. I start with the church. The church, there are families who go to church, and this happened to me and my husband as well. Sometimes we would have to go to church one at a time. There was no place for our children. When I was raising my children, I sat home 15 years to make sure that my children didn't have any inappropriate behaviors and that they could function in society. Because remember the end goal of parents is to do

is to make sure that they're independent as possible before we pass away before them. Because most of us will pass away before our children. But I wanted to make sure that, so I sat home 15 years making sure all the behaviors was appropriate and the behaviors were maintained and that they were disciplined. And so you have to be disciplined to discipline. So I sat home, I did not work. I may have did some substitute teaching in between, but I did not work to make sure

that they were disciplined and well behaviors under control. yeah, the churches, when we went to church, there was no program, even as adults, for people who have developmental disabilities. mean, churches have prison ministries. They have homeless ministries. They have youth programs, the youth ministries, but you don't have anything for people with developmental disabilities who may not be, who probably are not understanding everything the preacher says in the main congregation.

So they don't have anything for them like music therapy or anything of the sort. Now I don't blame churches for not knowing what to do. I also write about what to do, but what I do have a problem with is how some would not develop the will that will find the way to service the people. And that's a problem. you know, we're supposed to minister to everyone and that includes people with developmental disabilities. There is more that can be done.

There should be separate classes. Even if a parent has a, let's say they have a three or two year old that, or some have daycares in churches, or I forgot what they call it, when the children go to, I think it is, it's not a daycare, but they go to another area during the time in church, in the morning. So not Sunday school, but for those that are two or three younger than that.

James Moffitt (21:32.302)
Talk about Sunday school.

James Moffitt (21:37.817)
I got you. Yeah.

Geneice McCoy (21:39.23)
Like I said daycare, but I hesitate to use that term because I've heard another term I can't think of. But anyway, they will go to go somewhere else. so the parents can come to church together and enjoy the sermon and family should go to churches together, not one at a time. There has to be something done about more programs for people and outreach for people with developmental disabilities and programs in churches during that same time as the other family members. So that's one thing. But another thing is when you are

what society can do. When you see someone out that has a visible disability, don't allow your children to stare. That's a teaching moment. Speak to that family, speak to that person with a developmental disability. Don't just turn away. Acknowledgement means so much. It doesn't matter what that person's response may be to you. What's important is that it speaks volumes to who you are. So, you know, acknowledge people when they're out. Don't just ignore them.

You know, another thing just, in whatever arena you work in and what industry you work in, always be aware that you may be servicing someone that has a developmental disability, whether it's in restaurant or a store. So, you know, accommodate them in whatever they need. They may need you to read the menu to them and you just never know. And society simply just needs to be more conscious and more aware that everyone is not the same. Don't avoid people who you see have a developmental disability.

and the disability is visible, acknowledge them, speak. It will cheer their hearts up and it speaks volumes to who they are, even though they may not respond. It just sends messages and gets them used to being in public, standing at home and being ashamed and things like that. But a society can do a lot to help out. You just have to be conscious and aware of it and just continue to be kind and friendly.

James Moffitt (23:35.822)
I think more times than not, people are very judgmental. mean, we, you know, like I do, you meet somebody in public and you know, within the first minute or two, look at their clothing, look at their grooming, you look at their body language, you look at what kind of car they drive, whatever, wherever they're at, you what are they doing? And all of sudden we've got, we have a snap judgment of who we think they are, right? When, and so we're judging them by their exterior.

Geneice McCoy (23:51.761)
Exactly.

Geneice McCoy (24:00.382)
Exactly.

James Moffitt (24:04.814)
or their clothing or their status, you know, or whatever. And just like you said, people are people, you know, where it doesn't matter what your skin color is, it doesn't matter what your educational background is, they're human beings that deserve to be loved, respected, and what's the word I'm looking for? Acceptance, you know?

Geneice McCoy (24:31.059)
Exactly.

James Moffitt (24:31.84)
Everybody wants to be accepted. Everybody wants to be noticed. I want to be seen. That's something, that's a theme that we hear about when we talk about teenagers. Teenagers want to be seen. They don't always want to have their environments dictated to them. You know, they perceive the world differently than the adults do, you know, and they have different goals. And so they want to be, they want their vision or their perception to be acknowledged, right?

Geneice McCoy (24:50.538)
Right.

James Moffitt (25:01.806)
And so, and so a lot of people, know, homeless people, you know, I'll just take that for instance. Every city that I've ever been in has has, has tent cities. They're, they're usually behind large box stores like Target and Walmart, you know, and places like that. And you've got homeless people living in tents behind these, behind these box stores because they're homeless for whatever reasons they're homeless.

Geneice McCoy (25:01.845)
Right.

Geneice McCoy (25:27.316)
Yes.

James Moffitt (25:31.994)
and you see them standing on street corners with signs asking for money, asking for assistance, and most people shun them. Most people just ignore them and just keep on going. And prisoners are the same way. People that are in our jails, right? And there are prison ministries and jail ministries, and I think that's a wonderful thing. again, they're humans, right? They're, not all of them are convicted murderers.

Geneice McCoy (25:40.65)
Right.

Geneice McCoy (25:46.826)
Bye.

Geneice McCoy (25:56.063)
Bye.

James Moffitt (26:01.512)
or people that commit violent crimes. We're talking about society, right? And our society...

We just cop attitudes towards people. We label people and then we just throw them in a box and throw a lid on it and go, okay, well, that's who they are and I'm not going to have anything to do with them. I was thinking about my church as you were talking about churches. We have a huge children's ministry and I serve on the security team as a volunteer.

Geneice McCoy (26:36.682)
Mm, great.

James Moffitt (26:40.782)
I'm looking in my mind's eye and I'm walking down the hall. Each room is labeled by grade, I think, or ages. I think it's ages. Ages, you one to two, one to five, five to eight, 10 to 12, I don't know, whatever. They have a room, you know, for infants, you know, they have nice furniture and rocking chairs where the lady volunteers can rock the children to sleep. you know, I don't know what age they are. They're probably, you know, one to...

one to five, one to four, whatever. But now that I think about it, I don't think they have any emphasis on children with developmental issues, right? And honestly, we've been going to that church for 15, 20 years now. And I don't think I remember, now know that there is a young lady that's a older teenager. She may even be a young adult. She's probably a young adult.

Geneice McCoy (27:23.711)
Bye.

James Moffitt (27:40.246)
And she does have, I wish my wife was on this podcast episode because she can tell me immediately what her developmental label is for lack of better, you know, I'm not an expert. I just have to talk the way I know how to talk, right? So you can't touch her or approach her because she's very sensitive to stimulus. Does that make sense?

Geneice McCoy (27:56.264)
Okay.

Geneice McCoy (27:59.583)
Yeah.

Geneice McCoy (28:07.115)
huh, yes, sensory issues.

James Moffitt (28:10.094)
I don't know if she's ADHD or whatever label it is that's on her, but she was out in her mom's car and mom was in church. She wears headphones, she listens to music. If you leave her alone, she's pretty much fine by herself, right? But if you approach her or you try to have a conversation with her, it kind of sets her off. And I know that because she was out in the parking lot.

Geneice McCoy (28:33.78)
Mm-hmm.

James Moffitt (28:38.382)
in the car, the windows were rolled down, she was not in danger or anything like that, but she was yelling for her mother. Well, as a security volunteer, I didn't even know who she was. I was going to walk up and talk to her. One of her police officers got my attention and said, no, no, no, you don't approach her. This is what's going on. Her mother knows she's there and we know that if something happens or whatever, we go get her and have her go out to the car and take care of whatever the issue is, but just leave her alone. And I'm like,

Well, okay, I didn't know anything about it. So she comes to mind, she's one person, one young adult in our congregation that does have some developmental issues going on.

Geneice McCoy (29:22.986)
You know what, with that, you know, that's very interesting, but I wonder why she might have behaved that way and don't let people approach her. It sounds like that may be something that's not even, may not be a part of the disability because what happens in society sometimes with people who have developmental disabilities is you have that disability, but all of your issues that come about later on are not because of the disability.

But how you have been treated, and I'll give you an example. When my son's voice started to change, he was becoming more and more more social, sociable at 11 and 12, and enjoying himself and started to learn how to make friends. When his voice changed, the other boys started to make fun of him. He stopped speaking. So then he spoke less and less and less, and it was years before he regained back, or the desire to want to talk to people again.

So sometimes it's not so much the disability, but what society has allowed to happen because of the disability and the way they were treated for a reason. So it may be a reason.

James Moffitt (30:32.91)
It just occurred to me it just occurred to me she's on the autism spectrum. That's what she has. Yeah

Geneice McCoy (30:38.546)
Okay, yes. See, all behaviors mean something. Children don't rock for no reason. Children don't bite for no reason. I have talked to parents who have children that are 16 and they still bite and bite and that sort of thing because they can't communicate. But that parent has never found a way to get a communication board or get something for them to communicate. Can you imagine how frustrating life must be if you need to say something you can't?

and no one gives you a way to say that. Think about Helen Keller, what the amazing job Anne Sullivan did with her. She couldn't hear or speak, but look how great she turned out because someone found the wheel that found the way. And so that's what happens with a lot of people with developmental disabilities. They would develop what I call secondary disabilities that originally had nothing to do with the first disability because of the treatment or the lack of treatment or the lack of services and support that they

They just didn't have. But one thing I want people to say, why you were saying that, I want people to understand also that people with developmental disabilities, there's different degrees of disability. Some are very mild. So I'm not talking about those that have developmental disability that's mild and they can become amazing self advocates. I'm talking about those that are more severe. But even with those that are more severe, we have to always presume

some level of competence. That's why I never allow people to say, I never answer this question with people ask, even doctors, what age would you say your child functioned at? Is he more like a nine year old or 12 year old? I never answered that. I said that's irrelevant because the skills of a person with a developmental disability, it can be sporadic. They are high in one area and low in another. And who are you comparing them to?

Why would I compare him to the 12 year old when even all of them are not the same? I know what they mean, but I say, let's work with this. What exactly do you want him to do? And you know, so I start with questions like that, but I never answer that because that gets stuck in people's head when you say, you know, what age they function at. They'll never get that nine or whatever the age is out of their head. And they'll always lead with that when they approach the person with a disability.

James Moffitt (32:38.52)
Right.

Geneice McCoy (33:01.236)
but we have to presume some level of competence. And one other thing that I'd like the world to know is that developmental disabilities are not outside of the norm of human conditions. It's just one human condition out of millions of human conditions. It's not. So that's why I don't talk about, hey, what's normal, what's special, what's this, that, because the word special,

James Moffitt (33:18.744)
Right. Right.

Geneice McCoy (33:28.98)
gives a whole different meaning in the disability arena. It says different, so I don't use the word special, but I'm not offended by it either because I meet people where they are.

James Moffitt (33:42.478)
It's all about educating,

Geneice McCoy (33:43.772)
It sure is. so thank you for providing this forum. I think it's excellent what you do. And the subject matter in your podcast is just amazing. I've listened to some other ones. I listened to one of your podcasts you had about someone talking about burnout, the difference between burnout and stress. That was perfect. That was just so great.

James Moffitt (33:54.647)
Amen.

James Moffitt (34:05.132)
Yeah, that's one of the things I love about PodMatch is they match me with quality guests. And many of them are subject matter experts unto themselves. They're book authors, they're doctors. Not everybody's a doctor, but or has a PhD, but very, very intelligent and driven people that are providing services.

Geneice McCoy (34:30.814)
Yeah.

James Moffitt (34:34.414)
education and assistance that parents desperately need. So my wife and I raised four children. We've been married 34 years, going on 35. We're people of faith. We go to church. We're not perfect. We're forgiven. And so I want to

You know, there's the diversity, equality and inclusion, you know, thing that is under attack right now. And, and while I understand why it is under attack, I believe that I want as many people, parents that are listening to this podcast, I want them to feel included. You know, I want them to feel, feel, feel seen. And I want them to know that parenting is a tough job.

Geneice McCoy (35:20.01)
Yes.

James Moffitt (35:26.478)
It's not for the faint of heart, you know, and I want parents to get the knowledge and education they need and I want them to feel as if there's hope, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, right? And I want them to have the healing and restoration that they need. And that's why we talk a lot about self-care on this podcast because parents need to...

Geneice McCoy (35:30.185)
Yes.

Geneice McCoy (35:43.402)
That's right, because they're ears. Yes.

James Moffitt (35:54.754)
They need to take care of themselves. I had a mental nutritionist on the podcast last night. She was talking about how our bodies, our physical bodies and the nutrients we do or do not feed to them can directly affect our mental health and our stability and our emotions. Anyway, I don't mean to get off on a tangent there, but...

Geneice McCoy (36:02.431)
Well.

James Moffitt (36:24.438)
Yeah, that's why I do it.

Geneice McCoy (36:24.618)
You know, I wanted to... go ahead.

James Moffitt (36:27.63)
I was just saying, that's why the podcast is here. We have a private Facebook parental parent. I can't talk. We have a private Facebook support group for parents. started out in 2015 when we had two teenagers ourselves living at home and they were driving me to prison it seemed like. so I told my wife, said, Hey, let's start a Facebook support group. And she said, there anybody out there like us that are dealing with teenagers?

Geneice McCoy (36:48.0)
You

James Moffitt (36:57.378)
And so we started out with like 10 or 15 members and today we got like 1.3 thousand. So yeah, there's, there's a bunch of them and they're all from, most of them are from the United States, but there, have people from the UK, Australia, China, different places. Yeah. Yeah. So, so there, I can see that there is a need for this. And so I, I, somebody told me one of my podcast guests the other day said,

Geneice McCoy (37:02.032)
my goodness, that's great!

Geneice McCoy (37:11.294)
that's fantastic. that's amazing.

James Moffitt (37:23.298)
Yeah, she didn't, she wasn't even on pod match. She said she went into chat GBT and typed in, tell me about podcasts about parenting adult children. And there was five of them and mine was one of them. And I was like, well, great. that means that that means I'm out there and the podcast is out there. And so it'll, you know, people that are looking for that type of encouragement and support can find it. Right.

Geneice McCoy (37:33.182)
What?

Geneice McCoy (37:47.584)
Yes, exactly. But you know, I wanted to mention one other thing about the church too, about families with children who have development disabilities, a younger adult, and I wanted to say that most parents and families don't know what churches offer or what's there because churches never advertise and you never hear about it. You never read about what's there. So when you go to a church, you don't know what they have.

James Moffitt (37:52.771)
BOOP

James Moffitt (38:10.019)
Right.

Geneice McCoy (38:16.028)
You could call and say, do you have anything for my daughter that's 18 that has a developmental disability because she probably would not want to sit in with the main congregation during the service. But, is there, do you have anything for them, music therapy or another room or is there something? So we don't know, so we just go there and just kind of look around and just kind of just have our children sit with us even though they may not understand what's going on or what's been said.

But, know, another thing, and they might, because I don't want to underestimate them, because like I talk about presuming competence. My sons get a lot out of services now, because I show them how to focus into, the service and to do the same thing we do when we turn our Bible to a particular scripture. They know how to do all of that, and they write the scriptures down while they are, the preacher is talking about the scripture.

So that works for us, but other families who have children that don't function on that level who don't read and write may need something else. But how would they know what's available?

James Moffitt (39:20.216)
Well, you know that now that we're talking about that, me just reflecting on the church we go to, apparently there's a huge need for that.

Geneice McCoy (39:28.808)
Yes, there's a gap and families are suffering because that the mind, think about the mind of the families, they always need mentoring, they always need uplifted, they always need encouragement and empowerment. Some of them have children who have surgeries all the time. Some of them have, we have some that in my support group have passed away and the parents needed somewhere to go to or you know, just needed something else to help them. There's always supports that.

churches can provide that we may not know about. But they need a daily uplifting and daily refreshing for the week or that Sunday be refreshed to go through the week that's coming up, things like that.

James Moffitt (39:59.363)
Right.

James Moffitt (40:10.254)
Well, it's one thing to have a program, you know, when you're talking about church, I'll just talk about the security volunteers. All of our security volunteers are typically ex-law enforcement and military, And so they have a background, they have training, they have experience in that area, which makes them very valuable to the security team.

When you're talking about programs for developmentally challenged children, that's going to require people that have experience in that, right?

Geneice McCoy (40:50.634)
Well, you know, I'm glad you said that because, that's not, I'm not talking about something extensive. I'm talking about something like a Sunday school teacher. I used to teach Sunday school. And for someone with a disability, whatever scriptures we're talking about, I may have them in there, like I said, writing or drawing a picture about the subject matter or something similar, music therapy and reading the scriptures to them with, it doesn't require a lot of response from that person.

James Moffitt (41:02.414)
Right?

James Moffitt (41:15.458)
Right?

Geneice McCoy (41:19.818)
But I mean, something that they can get involved in. And this is amazing thing that happens. When you think about servicing people with developmental disabilities and the good that you want to do for them and the good that you want to see come out of it, all kind of amazing ideas will flood your head. And that's from God. You, the will will find the way. So it doesn't have to be something extensive. We're talking about not talking about something that's going to need a lot of training, like their school during, you know, everyday school.

James Moffitt (41:41.294)
Gotcha.

Geneice McCoy (41:48.51)
We're talking about just account of ministry because music therapy is a form of ministry. Playing music, maybe somebody come in and play a guitar and sing a song to that group. Maybe, know, simple things that I thought about to help churches out. You know, things like that. So, so that you can get people in the congregation who have a heart to do this. And when they, and they will find out their natural gifts and talents and say, hey, yeah, I could think of this. They will think of all kinds of things once the doors are open.

James Moffitt (42:18.147)
I got you.

Geneice McCoy (42:19.592)
Yeah, because we don't want to stress out churches like, now we got to have programs. Will the schools have that? No, we want people to be relaxed about it. And I think that's part of the fear that some churches have that, now it's got to be extensive and who's going to do this? Who's going to want to do that? Well, you know, but people will fight. There are people there who's never been asked to do anything and say, hey, we're going to start doing this. And they say, that's perfect for me. We don't know the gifts and talents that's already sitting there lying dormant.

because they don't have the opportunity or it never occurred to them. Because remember, people with disabilities are out of sight, therefore out of mind.

James Moffitt (42:56.258)
Right. I got you. That's interesting. So I guess the last question that I see here is in what ways can parents partake in boards and councils to affect change?

Geneice McCoy (42:58.75)
Yes, sir.

Geneice McCoy (43:10.624)
Oh, excellent, excellent. Okay, I served as chair on a board. Now, every state has a way that they service people with developmental disabilities. And you have to find out how your state does that. Well, the state of Georgia does that by breaking our counties down. Georgia has 159 counties. Can you believe that? Texas has 169, but look how big Texas is. I used to live in Texas being part of the military. But Georgia has 159, so.

James Moffitt (43:30.958)
Well.

Geneice McCoy (43:39.316)
Georgia break that down into six regions. I am a part of region two, which is in Augusta, Georgia, Richmond County, and that is comprised of 33 counties. So I chair 33 counties over the mental health, developmental disabilities, and addictive diseases region two board, because that's how Georgia departments decide to do it. And so some of those boards, this is very interesting, that board,

has because the 33 counties it served had 43 seats available for people to sit on to help that board run and to be advisors for that particular region were allowed 43 seats and you're appointed by the commissioners of the county. some, it has 43 seats even though there's only 33 counties because some counties are allotted four or three or more seats because of the size of the county.

So Richmond County was allowed four seats, okay, just to give an example. Out of those 43 available seats, guess how many are serving in those seats today on that same board? 11. 11. Now while those seats not filled, a lot of people don't know about the vacancies. Departments rarely do local advertisement about it.

James Moffitt (44:39.63)
Right?

James Moffitt (44:53.378)
Well.

Geneice McCoy (45:01.984)
And this is the thing with states and cities and counties even. You can tell what a state, and county value by what they prioritize. Human service is very low in many states. In our area, those seats are not filled because the priority for those kind of boards are not a priority. So families who have children with developmental disabilities need to understand how their state work and where those gaps in services are.

James Moffitt (45:14.627)
Right.

Geneice McCoy (45:31.486)
and where those gaps are for those, of those vacancies. And they need to fill them because every board must have someone on there that has a disability. They have to actually have a disability, be a self advocate that has a disability and be comprised of family members and business people in the community. But they must also have among the others, a self advocate with the disability and family members.

So some of those seats can be filled by family members who are gonna be able to tell the states what exactly is needed because they live it. That's why we have gaps in services because there's not enough voices of advocacy from the families and parents and the children with developmental disabilities themselves who can self advocate to let the counties know. So there's a lot of vacancies.

And so I sometimes would have to go and call the commissioners and go before the commissioners, especially when I chaired it. I served six years on and chaired the last two and remind them that, you need to put someone on this board. You know, many of them out of the 10 commissioners, none of them knew about this board. And they were still under their, in their administration was going under the old name of the board, which has changed, had changed names in the legislation. And

they didn't know about the change. And now it's changed again to Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Disabilities, when it used to be mental health, developmental disabilities and addictive diseases. So there's change and few of them don't know that. So it's the priority in your city. The squeaky wheel really does sometimes get the oil, but if you don't know, and who knows the most, families. So they must come out, not be afraid.

not be afraid to talk about it, not be afraid to come out and speak on it. And then they can inform the rest of society. And look, this is on the books for the counties and cities and states to know. And a lot of the counties, people who serve as commissioners are, in our area, as commissioners. In some places, maybe aldermen, but they don't know.

Geneice McCoy (47:44.736)
But that's what families can do. They have to be visible and make that advocacy known if what's necessary because that's how you get funding for support.

James Moffitt (47:45.229)
Got it.

James Moffitt (47:55.406)
Very good. So listener takeaway. Listeners may gain insights into effectively advocating for adult children with developmental disabilities, receiving practical advice on becoming empowered advocates in engaging supportive community initiatives. So Janice, I want to give you another two or three, four minutes to talk to parents of adult children and

Possibly some of those adult children may have some disabilities. What would you say to them?

Geneice McCoy (48:29.802)
Get involved, don't let shame hold you back and most importantly, do not isolate yourself. Get out into this world. The earth is the lowest and the fullness thereof. It belongs to all of us. You have to become a participant. Your life means something and everyone has a purpose in life. Find your purpose, you have a purpose. And part of your purpose may be to help the world better understand developmental disabilities. So they think.

They can also help you a full life. There are people who may be on your street. Look at this, I know of a family. Their daughter had a disability and she loved collecting keys and bobs and things like that. And so when she passed away, they said, what are we gonna do with all these keys and bobs she passed? Because for birthdays, people would find them and give them to her or him, I forgot it was a girl or boy. And people give the...

give it to them all the time, keys and fobs, because that's what they collected. And they didn't know what to do. And look, later on, they ended up giving those keys and fobs to someone on their same street who had the same disability and had been there for years. And they didn't know each other. And see, that's what I mean about getting out there, you know, and knowing things and finding out different things.

James Moffitt (49:41.131)
wow.

Geneice McCoy (49:53.064)
And they even heard about this through word of mouth from someone else. they, and it just blew them away that that person was on the same street. And when that individual got all those keys and bobs, they thought, my goodness, it was such a treasure and a blessing to them. But that's what I mean. Get out. The more you stay in, the less people are going to know and the less you can help. You have to make a conscious decision to get out there and decide how you are going to be support for others, how you are going to make an impact in this world.

because we're all here to make an impact on something. Don't let that stop you. There is no failure. And let me give you the best definition. You might know this quote. Let me give you the best definition I ever heard about from failure from Dr. Adrian Rogers. Do you know him? He was a minister years ago. He's amazing. I listen to him all the time. And I wish I could take credit for this, but I would never take someone else's credit. But he said this. This is the definition of failure.

James Moffitt (50:41.403)
yeah, yeah.

Geneice McCoy (50:52.65)
Failure is succeeding at something you're not even supposed to be doing. Isn't that amazing?

James Moffitt (50:59.617)
Wow.

Geneice McCoy (51:01.458)
Succeeding at something you're not even supposed to be doing, and that's what a lot of people do. So I would encourage families, go succeed at what you're supposed to be doing. And that's enlightening and impacting this world.

James Moffitt (51:13.304)
Right? We all have a gift, right?

Geneice McCoy (51:17.46)
Yes!

James Moffitt (51:21.422)
Denise, I want to thank you for being on our podcast today. We had a wonderful conversation and I know that I know that there are going to be people that are going to hear these words and it's going to provide them with hope and support and provide them with the motivation hopefully to gain some knowledge and to reach out into their community to find the support that they need.

Geneice McCoy (51:43.508)
Yes, indeed. And I'd to give my website, if you don't mind. My website is lifeguidepublishing.org. Spelled just like it sounds, L-I-F-E-G-U-I-D-E-P-U-B-L-I-S-H-I-N-G.org. Lifeguidepublishing.org.

James Moffitt (51:46.892)
Yes, please do.

James Moffitt (52:05.934)
Very good.

Geneice McCoy (52:07.658)
Thank you so very much. This has been amazing. I mean, you probably can tell I got all excited and riled up, but I love it. This is my life work.

James Moffitt (52:12.48)
No, no, that's fine. Yeah, you're very passionate about it that's great. And I want you to provide me with all of your social media links and website information and all that. Send it to me in email or on Podmatch and I will add that to the show notes for people so they'll get it.

Geneice McCoy (52:31.858)
Okay, great. Thank you so much.

James Moffitt (52:33.71)
So to the listening audience, I'm going to say thank you for the privilege of your time. I'm glad that you're here and I hope you got some information from this that you needed. You can listen to the audio version of this podcast on Captivate.fm, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, and Public Radio. You can go to my website at parentingadultchildren.org. It's spelled just the way it sounds, parentingadultchildren.org.

On that website, you will find my contact information. You can send me an email, you can leave me a voicemail and I'll respond to you. In the blog, there's an upcoming show schedule and there's a place on the website that says reviews. You can click on review and leave a review for any podcast episode that you listen to. If you're on Apple podcast, on that app, when you're listening to a podcast episode, you can actually click on review there and leave it right there on Apple podcast and we'll get it.

I release a new version or a new episode every Friday morning at 8 a.m. Again, thank you very much for being here. God bless you and have a wonderful day. Janiece, thank you again for being here.

Geneice McCoy (53:44.82)
You're welcome and thank you so much for having me.