Forgiveness & Healing in Family Dynamics

Keywords

parenting, adult children, family healing, forgiveness, boundaries, trauma, faith, estrangement, relationships, spiritual growth

Summary

In this episode of ABC's Parenting Adult Children, host James Moffitt speaks with Reverend Cheryl Kincaid about the complexities of parenting adult children, particularly in the context of healing from trauma and fostering spiritual growth. They discuss the importance of forgiveness, setting boundaries, and the role of faith in navigating relationships with adult children. Cheryl shares her insights from her experiences as a foster parent and pastor, emphasizing the need for open communication, understanding, and the willingness to acknowledge past mistakes while building a hopeful future.

Takeaways

Parenting adult children requires understanding and compassion.

Forgiveness is essential for healing in fractured families.

Setting boundaries is crucial for healthy relationships.

Faith can guide parents in releasing control while offering support.

Acknowledging the past helps in building a new future.

Open communication fosters connection and understanding.

Trauma impacts parenting and relationships significantly.

Estrangement can be healed with patience and love.

Creating a sense of home involves accepting imperfections.

Honesty and vulnerability strengthen family bonds.

Sound bites

"Love covers a multitude of sins."

"You have to earn your own way back."

"Honesty comes from our humanity."

Chapters

00:00 Exploring Family Healing and Spiritual Growth

02:46 The Role of Forgiveness in Parenting

05:23 Navigating Boundaries and Relationships

08:21 The Importance of Confession and Vulnerability

10:53 Understanding Generational Trauma

13:57 Faith and Imperfection in Parenting

16:31 Honesty and Healing in Family Dynamics

19:16 Approaching Non-Faith-Based Perspectives

21:57 Estrangement and Emotional Distance

24:35 Creating a Sense of Home

27:30 Forgiveness and Boundaries

30:17 Lessons from Foster Parenting

33:16 Final Thoughts on Parenting Adult Children

Rev Kincaid is the author of six books:

 Hearing the Gospel Through Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol, 

The Little Clay Pot

 The Little Candle that Was Frightened of the Dark, Karrie’s Thorn and A Forgot

Richard Jones. I am an RN with over 34 years of Nursing Experience, much of that experience working with young adults in the corrections system. 

Hello, James here !

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Please go to parentingadultchildren.org website and sign up for the email list and leave a review for this episode. 

If you have any requests for future topics send me an email to TalkPAC@proton.me

Please share this podcast with your friends and family. Now for today's guest intervi

Transcript

James Moffitt (00:01.531)
Welcome to ABC's Parenting Adult Children, where we explore the art of parenting beyond childhood through the lens of liberty, responsibility, and lasting connection. I'm your host, James, and today we're delving or diving into the deep waters of family healing and spiritual growth with someone who's walked that road with grace and truth. My guest is Reverend Cheryl Kincaid, pastor, counselor, author, and survivor. Through her writing and ministry, she's helped countless families navigate the pain of trauma

the power of forgiveness and the challenge of letting go while still showing up. Today we'll talk about what redemptive grace looks like in fractured families, how to parent with compassion and boundaries, and what hope there is for restoring connection, even when the past feels broken. Whether you're grappling with guilt, navigating estrangement, or just trying to be the parent your adult child needs today, this conversation is for you. Reverend?

Cheryl Kincaid, how do you want me to address you? Reverend or?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (01:02.883)
can call me Pastor Cheryl, most people call me...

James Moffitt (01:04.721)
Pastor Cheryl, okay, how are you doing today?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (01:07.574)
doing very well thank you.

James Moffitt (01:09.319)
Yeah. Do you want to add any personal introduction yourself after I read that paragraph? Okay.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (01:18.008)
No, I think you did very well. I think that defines me.

James Moffitt (01:23.899)
Alright, so I'm going to bring up, I'm going share your website so that people can see your books.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (01:31.118)
Okay.

James Moffitt (01:32.293)
Yeah.

James Moffitt (01:36.615)
Books by Pastor Cheryl. There we go. that's RevCherylKincaid.com. Right?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (01:39.863)
Yeah.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (01:47.244)
That's right. Yes.

James Moffitt (01:50.107)
And you have Forgotten Door called Home, Carrie's Thorn, A Faith Journey, and a whole bunch of others.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (01:54.551)
Yes.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (02:01.292)
Yes.

James Moffitt (02:03.654)
You can get them on Amazon.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (02:06.913)
I do.

James Moffitt (02:07.142)
Do have a favorite book or any these your favorite?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (02:10.254)
Well, the first one I wrote was hearing the gospel through Dickens and Christmas Carol. That's, it has a piece of my heart because I talk less about abuse, but more about poverty. Charles Dickens had a wonderful way of describing what it meant to feel like you had no hope and then having hope come to you.

James Moffitt (02:36.613)
right?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (02:37.272)
But he also preached to the church, I think, in a Christmas carol by using the lessons of Advent. And I wanted to tell the world about that. So that was, it was an important, it was the first one I wrote. I wrote it as part of, right after I got out of seminary. So it was a little bit of a scholarly work. But Carrie's Thorn has a very special place in my heart because it's a little bit of my story.

James Moffitt (03:03.408)
Okay.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (03:04.526)
And it's just, I, instead of using the name Cheryl, I used Carrie as in Job's second daughter, who was Karen Hepok, which was the incense used for prayer, meaning prayer. I wanted to write a story about a woman who felt that the whole world had forgotten about her and yet her life could still be a prayer. And it was then called Carrie's Thorn, kind of resembling the passage in

in the Pauline Epistle where God had given Paul a thorn in the flesh. And he said, my grace is sufficient for you for my grace is made perfect in my weakness. And it's about her working through her thorn in the flesh, which happened to be her abuse.

James Moffitt (03:44.55)
okay.

James Moffitt (03:53.489)
So, do you have a parenting story? Are you a parent? Do have children?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (03:58.54)
I was a foster parent for many years. I needed to, and that was, you know, it was a trauma in itself. But dealing, and I worked in group homes before that. So I dealt with a lot of girls and young men who felt cut off from the whole world. I think what that teaches you is how much children, adult children, and IKPAS is the Greek word for children, which means little ones, how much little children.

James Moffitt (04:01.322)
okay.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (04:27.38)
need their parents. What an awesome responsibility that is from God. That they need to teach them boundaries and they need to teach them how to grow up and they need to teach them how to step into this world that's not only safe and discern what's going on with them. And I think what I want to encourage your parents that are listening today is if there was abuse in your home,

let's say you made a mistake, even alcoholism, your job as parent has not been completely decimated. They still need your love. And I know that sounds horrible, but if they're willing to keep the relationship open, you be available. They need you to take responsibility. Children have this incredible capacity to love and even to forgive. And if you can have the ability to say, that was then, this is now.

You know, that was before I was working the 12 steps. That was when I was using. That was when I made some horrible mistakes. You can help, especially if you're a father and a daughter, to help her make better decisions about the men she's dating. If you can say to her, what I did was wrong, and I would not do that now for the world. But I did it then. And now I'm seeking to earn your trust again.

And learning and that's where persistence really comes into play. I love the scripture where Jesus says knock and the door will be opened. Seeking you will find that's keep knocking. Let them know that when they're ready that that door is open for them to knock on. You know, and if a child doesn't want anything to do with you because of abusive situation, then you respect that. That'll teach him something. But let them know you're still praying for them. But if they,

If they want to come back, let them know that the door is always open. And if you've come to a place where you've had a change in your life and you're not doing the same thing, let them know. And I know sometimes it'll hurt because people can lash out, but take responsibility. Now, my father, before he died, came back to try to make amends with me and I wasn't ready for it. And I know that was painful for him.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (06:51.0)
but it was a healing conversation. He died later on and I was so glad we had that conversation because I didn't fully understand what the abuse had done to me because I heard him try to take responsibility. know, God didn't give children to angels. He gave them to human beings that are flawed and messed up and they still need something from you. And I really want to encourage the adults that

that may have not been a good parent or maybe your kids were taken out by foster care to do the best you can to make amends. And the biggest amending thing you can say is that I did that then, I'm not doing it now. And that's what drunkenness looks like. This is why I'm sober now. Or even to say to your child, let's say you were a really good parent and you drink on the sly to say, this is genetically in our line. You stay away from the booze.

because it got me. There's a great passage in James that says, your sins one to another that you may be healed. So when your child's a child, an Iqpas, a little one, you really can't do that because your job is to be the adult. But when your child is an adult and now is stepped into their own, that's a great time to make amends, to be able to say, I didn't mean to do that. I didn't mean to say that.

or this is what I tried to do and I may have missed the mark. That can be so healing in a family as in breaking cycles is to be able to say this is what I would like to do, this is what I would have liked to do. One of the great joys I have in my life is that, and it doesn't sound like a joy, you buy deathbeds all the time. And I have to say this,

The great confessions before someone dies isn't great nefarious or sexy sins. It's what they didn't say to their kids. I have heard more parents say, I wish I could have said this to my child. And so when I got my first church, my tradition, before I can be a pastor, I had to be a chaplain for a year at a hospital. That's the way they train us. And so when I...

James Moffitt (09:08.794)
Mm-hmm.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (09:12.974)
got my first church, one of the things we do at Confirmation, in a Presbyterian church you go through when you're 11 and 12, a time where the children step into their own or their faith and they write a statement of faith and they tell, and the congregation accepts them as adult Christians. I have children write their parents, I have parents write their children a letter and I say what you want to write to your child is why you believe.

And if you feel honest enough, share with them a time when you didn't want to believe and you believed anyway. And in one of those situations, we had a mom who died shortly after she wrote that letter. And the daughters had the letter framed. And they underlined the parts in it where she had her greatest doubt. So something she had kept from them their whole life, because she thought it was a bad witness for Jesus Christ, was the best witness she could have had for Jesus Christ.

because she shared with them her humanity. What made her human? when they, and now this happened 15 years ago, their mothers and they're married now and have their own kids and they've already started on the letters because they're not going to my church anymore, that they want to give their daughters when they go through confirmation or when they reach that threshold where they call themselves an adult. And it's that piece of you that says that I'm

I'm human, I made mistakes, that didn't work out the way I wanted it work, but this is why I believe anyway. And that can be a great gift you can give to your child, your adult child.

James Moffitt (10:54.576)
Right. I always encourage parents to be transparent and vulnerable. And when you mess up, say you're sorry. There's nothing wrong with being human and admitting that you've made a fault or made a mistake and you're going to try to do better and then try to do better.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (11:11.786)
Yeah. And I'll go ahead. I was going

James Moffitt (11:13.496)
So... No, you're fine. I have a feeling I could just wind you up and let you go for an hour.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (11:23.682)
I also encourage people to do too in our church and because I work with people who've been abused. Is that when you were raising your kids that that was a tough time because I a woman celebrity has written a book called The Longest Shortest Time. In other words, it's the longest time in the world because you're financially stressed, you're emotionally swept, you're not emotionally stressed and you haven't gotten enough sleep because you have young children around you.

And yet it's the sweetest time because you get to see them grow up. And it's also the time when you get the most angry at them. But during that time, you can't really share with them what happened to you. So if you're a survivor of abuse, chances are there's a family legacy that's been passed on and you can share that with them when they were kids. But when they were adults and have their own kids, that's a good time to have those talks with them by saying, you know what, this is kind of in our family.

And I had a discussion with the permission of his mother with my nephew. I said, because she was asking why he was asking why are things strained between you and grandma? And I said, you know, she's a really good grandma, but she wasn't a good mom. There was something inside of her that stopped her from doing that. And she still struggles with that. And I want you to love her as a grandma, but please know this is in our family. And my sister was in that conversation so we could both share together.

that this is something that tends to happen in generation after generation and it hasn't happened to you. You have a mom that worked really hard so it wouldn't, but it may happen in your life. And we want you to know that it's not something you should put up with and it's something that you can still say, love someone, but draw boundaries because I still love my mom, but I can't, there's certain areas in my life that I can't let her in because of her unkindness and cruelty.

But it doesn't mean I don't love her, and doesn't mean she doesn't have very kind and nurturing parts of her. And so learning to share that with your adult children also can be a great gift as well.

James Moffitt (13:33.99)
Alright, so how has your own journey through trauma and healing shaped your understanding of parenting adult children?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (13:41.72)
I think one thing it shapes you, and this is like a no-brainer, but it's so true, is that, and we should know this, but we don't know it all the time. Life is not perfect and it's not a sitcom. You're not gonna get to a place where you're gonna be June Cleaver or Claire Huxby from the Bill Cosby show. You're going to make mistakes, horrible mistakes. But the Bible says that love covers a multitude of sins. So my abuse hurt me.

in a very deep level because my parents couldn't confess it. And I just told you my father made a confession when I was 32, but he couldn't make it till I was 32. And so I am quick to own up to my confessions, to confess my mistakes and shortcomings. I'm quick to let my adult nieces and nephews and foster kids know I should have done this better.

and I want to do it better in the future. And also making friendships with them. I think that I know there's, there is a reality that people can get stuck into violence like a, it's like quicksand. I know we don't, when I was a kid, that used to be the scariest thing on TV is someone stuck in quicksand. Now we hardly hear about quicksand. But as a kid, there would always be the argument, do you struggle or do you stay still? How do you get out of quicksand?

And that would always be a playground fight. Well, abuse can feel like that. It can feel like you're stuck in quicksand. And I need to tell, and what I'd like to tell adult women in my church and elsewhere is that, and men, is that there are so many options you don't see. There's so many vines around you. Learn to see the vines that can pull yourself out of bad, unhealthy situations. There's nothing that you have to go through.

You always have choices. And that's been very helpful for me because I grew up with the idea of this is just what women have to go through. That's what I was taught. And learning and having to relearn that, that now I was created in God's image, I was created deserving good things, that there are vines I can grab onto, there are helpful people and friends who can help me pull myself out of bad situations is one of the great gifts.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (16:08.408)
that I can pass on to adult who I'm parenting in my life, both foster kids and people in my congregation.

James Moffitt (16:17.818)
good. What role does faith play in helping parents release control while still offering guidance to their grandchildren?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (16:25.894)
Amen. Faith plays such a role. You know, there's a passage in the book of Philippians, He that began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. And I don't have to go into the Greek to let you know it's future tense. He who completed, so there's part that's past, who began, he who began, that's past tense, God began it in your life. And then it's will, W-I-L-L, will complete it.

God is constantly at work in you to do and will His good pleasure. You're not finished yet and neither are your children. And learning to have a relationship with them while you're both imperfect is helpful. So in Christianity, we have this great gift called confession. And the Bible says, if you confess your sin, it doesn't say I've already confessed my sin. says if.

God demands that we take responsibility and say, I can't do this by myself. That makes us vulnerable. We start out our faith by saying, I'm not perfect. And then we can say to the people around us, you're not perfect either. So let's have an imperfect relationship. It's a great idea. It can be kind of fun. Let's have this imperfect relationship where we can look at each other's imperfections and accept each other anyway. And that's the great joy of faith.

I've often told, it's a sermon example I use often, but I've said it at every church I've been at. When I was ordained, and I was ordained when I was 43, my aunts and uncles came to my ordination. And this was another thing they couldn't tell me when I was a kid, because I was a kid and you don't want to badmouth a child's parents to them. And I grew up in the 60s when Child Protective Services was a non-entity. You couldn't pick up the phone and call the police.

They knew something was wrong, they didn't know what to do. And they told me, you know, we prayed for you the whole time. And I looked at them and I thought, I never knew that. I didn't say that aloud to them, but I teared up. I never knew they prayed for me. You know, the greatest gift we can give our adult children and our grandchildren is let them know, I pray for you. I had a nephew go through a divorce.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (18:50.718)
And I don't know what he expected me to say because he said he was surprised by what I said. I said, there's not a day that goes by that I don't pray for you and what you're going through. And I think he expected me to condemn him. And I was like, no, I'm praying for you. Let them know that you're imperfect and you know they're imperfect and you're praying for them. And if you can pray with them. We live in a society and this is what situation comedies have stolen us from.

We have the one-liner joke in family systems, and we all want to pretend like we're on some sitcom and we're putting each other down. And isn't that daring and loving to put each other down? to be kind and gentle is sentimental and corny. And we've stolen intimacy from our relationships from that. So take that back. Don't allow our television culture of one line put down, steal your intimacy from your family.

You know, pray with them. Say, I'm praying for you. Tell them, I know that that must have hurt when that marriage dissolved or when you lost that job. I know it must have hurt that you didn't get to take this vocation, that you had to take this vocation instead. Acknowledge their pain in those things. think one of them, yeah.

James Moffitt (20:13.04)
So I'm gonna hit you with a little bit of a scenario or kind of a hard question maybe, but I think you can handle it.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (20:20.086)
Okay.

James Moffitt (20:21.68)
So this is ABCs of parenting adult children. So it's typically from the ages of 18 to 30, right? You have pre-teens, have teenagers, and then you've got your adult children. And some of them are still living in homes, some are not. Some go out into the world and they fail and have to come back home and get support. I don't think everybody that listens to this podcast are Christ followers like we are, right?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (20:28.621)
Yeah.

James Moffitt (20:50.8)
They don't have that foundation of faith. So my question to you is how would you approach people that are not people of faith that don't have that foundation, how would you approach them about what your... you have a very faith-based message. And I think that's great. how... and I'm sure that as a pastor you have...

encountered people that don't share our faith, right? How do you approach them? What do you tell them with regards to what you're teaching?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (21:33.806)
think essentially, you know, the issues are the same. Be kind to you. Don't throw courtesy out the window. But you can be courteous and have boundaries. So you have kids that come home and because they're not making it out there and having the awkward conversation, but the important one. Okay, so when we were when you were a kid, we had rules, but now you're an adult. There are still rules, but they I've got

I still have to have boundaries. I still have to have the statement, not in my house. But you have more freedom here as well. I think that's the awkward thing is that when a child comes back to your home, they're not exactly a roommate, especially if they come back because they're in financial crisis, because they're not necessarily paying half the bills. They're there to take care of a problem and hopefully to fly the nest again.

So learning to draw really strong boundaries with them, learning to say, I've given you this much, now you've got to earn your own. But even, let's say someone who's not a Christian, someone who's just an agnostic or even an atheist or someone who is a Hindu or whatever, the issues still carry that you can say, by the way, especially when they're mad at you, I was a human when I had you.

I wasn't a little demigod. I didn't do things perfectly. Maybe I did the best I could. Maybe in some cases I didn't do the best I could and I would have done better and I will try to do better now. When we realize our own humanity is when we find a sense of unity with each other.

because we come together in our humanity. That's what makes people laugh at stand-up comedians, is they find something so human that we all think is a secret and then we all laugh at it, because they say it in certain ways. So learning with your kids to find that common sense of humanity, it can be a trial, it also can be a great joy to find this is our humanity, this is what we got in common.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (23:53.39)
And if there's some healing that needs to take place, if there was a violation as a child, or maybe if you have an adult child who suffers with drugs and alcohol, which is getting more more common, almost everyone has it, learning to say, I know you have to go to this 12 step group, but I have to go to, I have to take care of this inside of my life. This is something that was in mine. Or a grandpa had that problem, or so did Uncle Bill.

I, you're not gossiping, you're just saying this isn't our family because honesty comes healing. so honest conversations can be difficult. Hiding never works. It never works to ignore the mistakes that we've gone through in the, and, mistakes we've made. Fessing up always works. It all works. you know, talking about your vulnerabilities with your kids.

Because you know that that child, the relationships never going to end. The relationship is going to continue through them and even their children. And so and that's and they are going to be the legacy that you leave behind. So if you can resolve the differences by taking responsibility for your stuff and then leaving the door open for them to take responsibility for their stuff and having an adult relationship, that's the best gift that you can have that you can give them.

James Moffitt (25:21.818)
What advice do you have for parents whose adult children are estranged or emotionally distant?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (25:21.986)
Thank you.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (25:27.928)
So I'd say give them their space. That's important. But also let them know that you're there. Let them know that you're still thinking of them. Don't give up. I know it's corny on the Christmas card or Christmas email. Continue to send that. And eventually you'll hear what their complaint is. I know there was a...

One of the greatest, I think I told you the greatest joy is being by death beds. But I know there was a woman whose daughter could not come back to her until her mother had dementia because things were so divided among them. And she felt that some of the things her mother did with her faith was erratic. she used word insane. And she had to grow up a little bit in herself to realize

But that's still my mom's faith and I need to honor it. But she needed some time to grow up inside herself to draw that boundary. And it would have been nice if she could have come back to her mom sooner. She couldn't, but when she did come back, she came back completely. But the fact that her mother's door was always open for her to come back was a wonderful gift her mother gave her. Because her mother had written her letters saying that when you're ready, the door is open.

And so when it was time to come back, and I officiated at the funeral, her daughter still didn't believe. She still cringed every time the name Jesus was mentioned, but she was able to sit in that church and say, this is my mom's faith and I will honor it, because her mom left that door open through some letters. So sometimes people have to grow up into having boundaries with their parents and they're pushing you away because they don't have good boundaries. And sometimes there's old hurts that need to be resolved.

But letting them know that the door is open is a great gift you can give to them.

James Moffitt (27:28.72)
So in your book, A Forgotten Door Called Home, you explore the longing for belonging. How can parents help adult children create a sense of home when the past is fractured?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (27:39.896)
So yeah, inside the Forgotten Door Caught Home, we have two girls, Carrie and Leloni. Leloni has parents who are successful financially, but they have some fractured with Leloni's father who died because of drug addiction. And without knowing it, they're taking the anger out on Leloni. So the first book, Carrie's Thorn, is about these girls in foster care. The second book, A Forgotten Door Caught Home, is when these two girls

age out of foster care and reunite with their families. And one of the things that the daughters have to realize is they, which are Leloni's aunts, is that their brother's alcoholism wasn't something they could fix. And that Leloni is not their father. That, she looks like him a little bit, but she's different than they are. And so learning to listen

to Leloni and what she wanted, was a part of that lesson. For Carrie, her mom is still an addict. as a lot of addicts, she has high highs and low lows. So when she's sober, she's really trying. When she's drunk, she can't be around. And so Carrie in that book can't really reunite with her mom, but she has to work on having a relationship with her. In both those situations, the...

The caregivers, the aunts and the mom have to learn these are my limitations. For the aunts, I'm still angry at God and I'm still angry at my brother for what he did to you. For Kerry's mom, I'm still an addict even when I try not to be. It's just a part of my personality. And they have to learn to relate to the people who they love, the people they want in their life with those very human things.

and saying, will you join me in my imperfect journey? And the two girls, Loni and Kerry, had to draw boundaries with them saying, okay, you can go here, but not here, but I still want you in my life. And so it was about learning to build relationships with imperfect people. And we got to do that in this life because we're all imperfect. Yeah, and learning to say, you know, in...

James Moffitt (29:57.028)
Amen to that.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (30:03.582)
and I've gotten to our cod home, Leloni is just is learning to deal with her own pain with her father who was an addict and realizing that that this goes back generations and that if she can love Leloni for the girl that she is, she can learn to warn Leloni about the dangers of addiction so she doesn't fall in the same horrible cycle of abuse and cycle of addiction as well.

James Moffitt (30:33.286)
And what does forgiveness look like between generations, especially when the past includes abuse, neglect, or misunderstanding?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (30:41.208)
So I make a big issue between the difference of forgiveness and denial. forgiveness is saying, I am not going to try to change you anymore. I'm going to take the anger I have and give it to a higher power. In my case, it's God, but you may have a different higher power. But I'm going to be cautious toward you, because in order for me to forgive you,

There's this wonderful term called confession, which means to speak the truth. I have to admit to myself that you did hurt me and you could have done better and didn't. And you clearly haven't changed your behavior so you may hurt me again. Denial says what happened to me wasn't that bad and or maybe it was deserved and it demands reconciliation and hushes the voice of caution. So when

An addict or someone who's done something egregious to the children in the past wants to reconcile. They have to first come forward and do this confession, speak the truth. This is a problem in my life. It's something I'm not in control of. I may fall into it again. And I want you to hold me accountable when I do this. But I still want to be in your life. And then be prepared. And then you're making yourself very vulnerable when you do this. I know that. But then be prepared for the response of the child.

And then most times kids want you in your life and they may get mad, but they'll come back because genetically they're set up to wanting you in your life. But how it's going to look like in that forgiveness is still, it doesn't mean you don't have boundaries. You still have a sense of if you're an alcoholic and you're still using, can't drive my kids to work. If you've been sexually abused, you can't be alone with my kids. I'm sorry. Or maybe they can't be with your kids till they're a certain age.

You have to hold them accountable in certain areas. If they're irresponsible with money, I'm not going to trust you. I'm not going to make a loan with you that you're never going to pay back. So it's learning to do those things. And that's painful to do with parents sometimes. know a woman who she wrote a book on it. Her parents were homeless and she became a journalist with the New York Times. And there were people who would say, how can you let your parents be homeless?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (33:02.956)
when you're journalists and she knew about the black hole and the big cycle is because that was the lifestyle they kept falling into out of choice and also out of disposition and some things that was cycling their family. But she had broken it and in order to survive she on one level she had to separate herself a little bit. But she still had connections with them with these wonderful things called boundaries. Good fences make good neighbors. She had built some good fences with her family.

and she could still talk over the fence with them, but they had to understand there were certain things in her life they couldn't touch. And if you have a parent who is involved in violence or them saying to you, I know about the fence and I'm willing to live within the fence that you've drawn for me in your life can make all the difference in helping them to let go of the bitterness and anger. That, this person really hurt me and they're willing to let me.

talk over the fence with them. Because they understand that some sores won't heal overnight or may not heal on this earth, but I can still love them on certain levels. There's levels of love. I can still trust them on certain levels. There's some levels I may never be able to trust them on, but on certain levels I can. So letting to accept the boundaries from people that they put on you is a great healing element in a parent adult child relationship.

James Moffitt (34:29.87)
Very good.

So what's one thing you wish more parents of adult children understood about their role in this new season of life?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (34:39.63)
This is a difficulty because your child is going to make their own decisions and there will be decisions that you don't approve of. They're not little anymore. But I want them to understand that the past does matter. You want to integrate it into and say, doesn't matter. That was then. This is now. Learn to say, that mattered. Let's build a new future. And so you're still considering the past, but you're not staying there. You're trying to build something new.

And looking in their eyes and saying, that mattered. Now what can we do about it now? How can we build something different now? But I know that mattered to you. I know that hurt. Or maybe that was one... Sometimes it's just a divorce and kids don't blame one spouse over the other. And there's no great egregious sin, but there was two adults who couldn't get along and the child carries the scars of the divorce. And having the parents who

Let's say we're good parents, but they couldn't live together. Say to the child who's now an adult, I know that hurt you when that happened. Can be very healing for the child because the child must say, I can't tell the parents it hurts me because gee, they provided for me. They saw me through college and the door is still open to me. How can I say you hurt me? But as an adult being able to say, I know that hurt you and dad and I went through that and you didn't understand at all.

And I wish that it didn't have to happen, but I hope that you don't think of marriage that way now that you're an adult. I hope you can build a different kind of marriage than dad and me built. That can be very healing, those conversations. I hope you can do it better than I did it. That can be wonderful with adult children.

James Moffitt (36:33.094)
Okay, last question. Then we're gonna have a multiple choice test. I'm kidding.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (36:34.36)
Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (36:39.348)
hahahaha

James Moffitt (36:42.864)
How has your experience as a foster parent and pastor informed your view of spiritual parenting beyond biology?

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (36:51.81)
You know, God is the one who equips us and God keeps us humble by reminding us we're not complete. So with my kids, you my foster kids almost overnight, and I know they don't parents, their parents are listening will know this, found out what buttons to push real quick. And what sores in me weren't real. And I always had to forgive myself when I lost my temper and said things I shouldn't.

And even in the congregation, when people come at me, sometimes I realize, just like with kids, you can't reply on the same level because they've given you more authority and your wounds will go deeper. So I have to be careful how I use the scriptures. In the book of Hebrews, it says the Bible is a two-edged sword that can pierce through soul and spirit.

separating bones and morals. In other words, it touches us at a deep place. So I dare not use it as a weapon in people's life. I need to use it for healing. And the same with my kids, realize that my words mean something and realize that I'm in a place of authority. And I may not measure up, I may lose my temper, but you know, the capacity of humans to forgive still is great. But it's the...

Responsibility to ask for forgiveness, that's on me. And never to be so, consider myself so great as to not ask for forgiveness. Or not say, I should have done it better. Or hear what they have to say when they say I need forgiveness and to freely give it. That is the great gift that we have in this life, is the ability to mend relationships that are broken.

So.

James Moffitt (38:46.214)
Pastor Cheryl, I appreciate you being here today and for providing the input and the experience that you have. So to the listening audience, I want to say thank you for joining us today on the ABC's Parenting Adult Children podcast. I hope this conversation with Reverend Cheryl Kincaid, Pastor Cheryl, offered not just insights, but also a sense of peace and direction as you walk the sacred path of parenting grown children.

Whether you're repairing old wounds, learning to let go, or simply finding new ways to love your children through their adulthood, remember, grace is not weakness, and boundaries aren't betrayal. If today's episode resonated with you, consider sharing it with a friend or leaving a review. It helps us bringing, it helps us keep bringing these important conversations to the families who need them the most. Until next time, I'm James. Stay rooted, stay hopeful, and keep showing up with courage, compassion, and conviction.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (39:41.902)
It's...

James Moffitt (39:42.982)
So I release an episode every Friday at 8 a.m. So please leave a, if you're on Apple Podcasts and you listen to the episode, leave a review, share it with your friends and family and coworkers. Again, Pastor Sherrill, thank you for being here.

Rev. Cheryl KIncaid (39:57.666)
Thanks so much for having me.