Episode 41 - The Impact of Father Absence on Children.

In this episode of the Pacific Empowerment Podcast, I dive deep into the impact of father absence on children, especially within Pacific communities.

Drawing on international studies and real-life experiences shared by women in the community, I discuss the emotional, psychological, and social effects of absent fathers on children.

This is a much-needed conversation about why fathers matter, why children need present and loving leadership, and how the choices adults make today can shape future generations.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Male Lele Pulavinaka Ta Lofa Lava. Hello everyone, and welcome to Pacific Empowerment Podcast with your host Agnesica Ofusi. I hope you are doing well wherever you're listening from. And welcome to our episode number 41. Can't believe it. You know, um, since starting last year, and we are episode 41, so. Anyways. Um, so great news everyone. You know, I've already made the announcement on social media yesterday, but I have great news for all of you who have been asking for the Christover Culture t-shirts that I'm wearing. And I know many of you have been asking for quite some time now, so I am excited to finally announce that we officially launched a merch waitlist yesterday on social media as we prepare for the first shop. So, what does that mean? Well, that means you can now register to get early access once our stock is ready. So before we release it to the public, you get early access to do your shopping with a special discount. And I'm also excited because I have some other t-shirt ideas that I can't wait to share with you all. So um it won't just be the Christ over culture t-shirt that we'll be launching. I'll be giving you more options to choose from too. So um yeah, I am excited. I can't wait. And um, you know, this merch means a lot to me because it's not just for clothing and you know for the money, but it's also an opportunity for me, you know, to share my message with all of you of standing firm in your faith, Christian faith without compromise. So don't miss out. Go now to akanesikaofusi.com, very easy to remember, akanesikaofusi.com and register now, join now so you can get early access once our first job is ready to be launched before we release it to the public. So thank you so much for all of you who have signed up. So when I posted it on social media yesterday, you know, many people have already signed up already. So thank you for all of you who have registered. Um, yeah, we will try our best to get it ready as soon as possible so we can release it for you all to have your merch and wear it proudly and wear it with no fear and no shame. Anyway, let's continue and start our episode for today. Well, today's episode is going to be an emotional one, you know. It'll be a bit uncomfortable and, you know, probably controversial for some people, but it's a conversation we need to have. This episode today is about the children. You know, the children sitting at home waiting for their fathers to come back from Fai Gava, the children growing up in broken homes because their father left their mother for a door, and the children raised by exhausted mothers carrying the burden alone, while some men spend night after night drinking kava. And not only that, but also the children who are born into complicated situations, you know, where a married man fathers a child with a daughter, but it's not present to raise that child. So again, this is not an attack on every man who drinks kava. Not every man is like that, and this is not an attack on Pacific culture, but this is a conversation about responsibility. Because somewhere along the way, some people became more concerned about defending culture than protecting families and children. And the truth is this children suffer when fathers are absent, not only physically, but also emotionally or mentally. A father can live in the same house and also still be disconnected from his family. I've heard that a lot from the Fikava testimonials. And also research around the world has been showing this for decades. So today we're going to dive deep into the psychological impact of father absence, the emotional wounds children carry, how broken homes affect future generations, and why Pacific communities can no longer ignore this issue. Because if we truly care about our people, then we must care about what is happening to our children. One thing I've noticed from many testimonials women have sent me about FAIGA is this some children barely see their fathers at night. You know, the father leaves after work and then comes home briefly, then disappears to FAIGA until midnight, you know, 2 a.m., sometimes sunrise, and then come back and go to work straight after. And this happens multiple nights a week, you know. Some children are already asleep before their father comes home. Then in the morning he wakes up tired, irritated, and disconnected or goes straight back to work. And people wonder why some children grow up distant from their fathers. You cannot build connection with children through occasional appearances. Children need present and emotionally available fathers. Fathers who guide them, protect them, spend time with them, and actually connect with them emotionally, not fathers who are constantly escaping into social environments every night while the wife struggles alone at home. And what's said is that some communities have normalized this behavior for so long that questioning it now makes people angry. If a mother left her children almost every night to socialize until early morning, would society accept it? Or would people immediately call her irresponsible, call her out for neglecting her children? So why is neglect normalized when men do it, but not women? Well, this issue is not just emotional opinions. There are decades of studies on father absence and child development. Researchers have consistently found that children with absent or uninvolved fathers are at higher risk of depression, anxiety, behavioral problems, poor academic performance, substance abuse, early sexual activity, teenage pregnancy, low self-esteem, and relationship instability later in life. Now, let me be clear, this doesn't mean every child from a single mother home will struggle. Many single mothers do an incredible job raising strong, loving, successful children despite the challenges they face. And this is not about blaming mothers. This is about recognizing the damage caused when fathers abandon responsibility. One UK study followed children from early childhood into teenage years and found that permanent father absence was linked to worse mental health outcomes in children, especially emotional distress and anxiety. And another major area of research shows that children need stable attachment figures during development, especially in early childhood. When fathers are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, aggressive, or absent, children can develop insecurity and emotional instability. And honestly, many Pacific people already know this from experience. We don't even need a university study to tell us we've seen it. We know what happens when children grow up watching their mother cry, their parents constantly fight, their father disappear every night, or another woman destroying their home. Those experiences shape children deeply. One thing some men say is but I provide financially. And yes, financial provision matters, but children need more than money. A child does not only need school fees and food, a child also needs emotional security, guidance, discipline, love, attention, affirmation, and quality time with their fathers. You cannot replace fatherhood with money. Some fathers think buying gifts occasionally makes up for emotional absence, but it doesn't. Many children would rather have a present father than an absent provider. And this is important because in many Pacific cultures, some men were taught that fatherhood is only about paying bills. But no, fatherhood is more than paying bills. It's leadership, sacrifice, nurturing, and spiritual responsibility. Your children should not know the FIGA schedule better than your presence at home. One of the deepest impacts of father absence is often seen in daughters. Research has found that girls growing up with absent fathers are statistically more likely to experience low self-worth, responsibility, relationship insecurity, early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy. Why? Because fathers help shape how daughters understand love, protection, safety, and male behavior. When a father abandons his daughter emotionally or physically, some girls spend years searching for validation elsewhere, searching for love elsewhere. And some end up tolerating toxic relationships because abandonment already feels normal. This is why some women are attracted to emotionally unavailable men, because chaos feels familiar for them, and some grow up angry and resentful toward men entirely. Now again, not every daughter without a father struggles this way, but we cannot ignore the patterns. And this become even more painful when children know their father chose another woman over their family. That rejection leaves wounds, especially when children see that has time for Feigava, time for Doa, time for friends, but not time for us. That affects the heart of a child deeply. What about the impact on their sons? Father absence also deeply affect boys. Boys often learn masculinity from watching men. So what happens when the father is absent, irresponsible, unfaithful, emotionally unavailable, or constantly intoxicated? Some boys grow up confused about what manhood actually means. Some repeat the same cycles they witnessed. Some grow up angry, emotionally disconnected, or are confused about what healthy masculinity looks like because they never had positive male leadership around them. And this is why generational cycles continue. Children often repeat what they grow up normalizing. That is why we are dealing with the FIGava problems now, because children grew up and repeat what their fathers, their uncles, the men in their village do. They grew up watching this toxic Fai Gava behavior and they repeat the same toxic cycle over and over again. So if boys constantly see men prioritizing Fai Gava over family responsibility, some will eventually believe that this is normal manhood, and that is dangerous. You know? Research over many years has also found links between father absence, unstable homes, and increased risks of youth offending, violence, gangs, substance abuse, and incarceration. Not every child without a father becomes a criminal and not every two parent home is healthy. Life is more complicated than dead. Many fathers are physically present but abusive or destructive, and poverty, trauma, violence, addiction, and community environment all play major roles too. But research consistently shows that when children grow up without stable, loving, irresponsible father involvement, the risks increase. Researchers around the world have been studying for the absence in child development for decades. One major American study called Father Absence and Youth Incarceration looked at adolescent boys and found that boys growing up without fathers in the home had significantly higher risks of incarceration later in life. What's important is that the researchers tried to account for other factors too, including poverty and family structure, and they still found father absence mattered. The study also found something interesting. Children who had stable grandparents involved in the home often had better emotional and behavioral outcomes. That shows how important stable family support systems are for children. Another major study from the Melbourne Institute looked at teenage boys and compared boys living with biological fathers and boys living with stepfathers and boys with no father figure at all. The study found that boys with no father figure in their daily lives were more likely to engage in delinquent and antisocial behavior. And what's important here is that researchers were not simply asking, is there a man in the house? They were looking at involvement, consistency, emotional connection and supervision, discipline and relationship quality. Because children do not just need male presence, they need healthy leadership. You know? And another study found something very interesting. Children raised with harsh, aggressive, and hostile fathers sometimes had even worse behavioral outcomes than children with absent fathers. So the solution is not simply keep any father in the home, no. Children need fathers who are emotionally stable, loving, protective, disciplined, and responsible, not violent, not abusive, and not neglectful. Research also links father absence to higher risk of substance abuse, you know, depression, school dropout, kang involvement and risky behavior later in life. But for girls especially, several studies found links between father absence and low self-esteem, earlier sexual activity, teenage pregnancy, and unstable adult relationships later in life. Researchers believe this may have been because fathers help shape a daughter's understanding of safety, love, boundaries, and trust in men. And for boys, father absence often affects identity and emotional regulation. Many boys learn masculinity by observing men. So when fathers are absent, emotionally disconnected, constantly intoxicated or irresponsible, some boys grow up without healthy examples of manhood, and this is where the cycles can repeat generation after generation. Now let's bring this closer to Pacific communities. Research from New Zealand on Pacifica youth found that young people involved in offending often came from environments involving parental separation, family instability, substance abuse, violence, and intergenerational offending. Again, this does not mean Pacific people are naturally criminal, absolutely not. The research is talking about the environments and trauma, not race. And this is very important because sometimes people misunderstand these discussions and become defensive, you know? The point is not fatherless children automatically become criminals. The point is children who grow up with instability, neglect, abandonment, drama, violence, or lack of guidance often face higher risks later in life. And honestly, many adults today are still carrying wounds from childhood, fathers who abandoned them, fathers who chose addiction over family, fathers who cheated, fathers who were emotionally unavailable, or fathers who simply were never there. Some people spend their entire adulthood trying to heal from childhood rejection. That's why many of the FIGava men go to FAIGAVA every night. And this is why this issue matters so much. Because when fathers neglect their families, the consequences do not end with one night at FAI Gava. Sometimes the emotional impact follows children for decades. Sometimes society later sees that pain come out as violence, anger, addiction, gangs, crime, or emotional dysfunction. Now a wounded child who never heals can become a wounded adult. Hurt people, hurt people, as I always say. And honestly, you know, many Pacific communities are already seeing this today. We already see the effects today. Rising youth violence, broken homes, substance abuse, and young people growing up emotionally angry and disconnected. And sometimes society only focuses on punishing the behavior later instead of asking what happened to this child growing up? Who was present? Who was absent? What environment shaped them? Because childhood matters, home matters, fathers matter. This is about calling men higher. Because masculinity is not about spending all night at Vikava while your children barely know you. Real masculinity is sacrifice. Real masculinity is responsibility. Real masculinity is protecting your family emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. And if Pacific communities truly want stronger future generations, then we cannot keep ignoring the importance of fathers being present in the home. Now, I also want to talk about mothers, because behind many fatherless homes are exhausted women silently carrying everything cooking, cleaning, working, raising children, paying bills, managing emotions, trying to protect the children emotionally while dealing with betrayal themselves. Some women have told me that, you know, they feel like single mothers while still married, because FaiKava men go out every night. And the statement is heartbreaking. You know, imagine garing the responsibilities of two parents while your husband spends most nights elsewhere in FAIKAV. And what hurts many women even more is the emotional invalidation. You know, when they speak up, they are told you are overreacting. You know, it's just culture. Stop controlling us men. We can do whatever we want. You know, all men do it. Look, he's doing it, so why can't I do it? No. Neglect, abandonment, and disrespect should never be excused as culture. And culture should never become an excuse to destroy families. One mistake adults make is thinking children are unaware. Children notice more than adults think. They notice who is present, who is absent, who is hurting, and the emotional atmosphere inside the home. Even if children don't fully understand the details, they absorb the emotional atmosphere. A child may not know what adultery means, but they know mom is hurting, you know, that dad is never home, there is tension in the house. And these experiences affect brain development, you know, their emotional regulation, trust, and also their future relationships. This is why childhood trauma often follows people into adulthood. Many adults today are still carrying wounds from fathers who abandoned them years ago. One of the hardest truths is this. Sometimes it's the communities that protect the harmful behavior more than they protect women and children. As you can see today, you know, fighting this Faicaba issue, some men are praised socially despite neglecting their families. Some people laugh off behavior that is actually destroying homes. You know, some even shame women for speaking publicly, like how they are shaming me and the victims who came to me. And why is that? Well, because exposing truth threatens comfort, you know, but silence helps nobody. And this is why change becomes difficult. Communities cannot heal what they refuse to confront. As Christians, you know, we also need to talk honestly about spiritual responsibility. The Bible speaks strongly about fathers leading their households well, you know, not perfectly, but responsibly. So how can a man lead spiritually if he is absent emotionally and physically most nights? How can Children learn stability when gayest dominates the home? You know, how can wives feel loved when they constantly feel abandoned? And this is important because children often develop their understanding of God through parental relationships. You know, a loving father can help children understand safety, love, protection and consistency, but absent or abusive fathers can distort those perceptions. That is very serious. This conversation is bigger than Fai Gaba. This is about the future of Pacific families. Strong communities are built from strong families, and strong families require responsible fathers. Because when fathers disappear emotionally, mothers become overwhelmed and children become vulnerable. Then society later wonders, why are you struggling? Why is there violence? You know, why is there addiction? Especially as we are fighting the drug issues, the drug abuse in the Pacific. Why are relationships unstable? Many societal problems begin inside damaged homes. To the good fathers listening, thank you. Thank you for choosing your family. Thank you for staying present. Thank you for sacrificing. Thank you for loving your children consistently. You matter more than you know. And to the men who know they've neglected their families, this episode is not to condemn you, it is to wake you up. You know, your children need you. Not just your money, not just your occasional presence, not just your Facebook photos. They need you. Your guidance, your attention, your love, your leadership, your protection, you know, your time. Children grow up fast. One day they stop waiting at the window for you to come home and some emotional wounds become harder to repair later. So if your family is hurting, go home. Talk to your children, spend time with them, you know, rebuild trust, reconnect with your wife, be present, because success means nothing if you lose your family in the process. Anything can become destructive when it consumes your responsibilities. And the sadest part is that children often pay the price for adult choices they never created. So before defending traditions blindly, ask yourself, what impact is this having on the children? Because children remember absence, children remember who was there for them and who wasn't. But they also remember love, presence, and fathers who truly showed up for them. And that presence can change generations, you know? And also, as we see the issue today, not just in Faikawa, but like the fathers who are leaving families in Tonga and the islands to come and work overseas and you know abandoning their children, that's a major issue. You know, when men are seeking financial opportunities overseas somewhere else, and the children are left without fathers, and um, this can affect them so much. And as you can see, I have read a few testimonies before of children who message me with the experience on their father spending more time in Fai Gava and also playing with the Doa online or social media, and they see their mother hurting from that. That is why I keep speaking up because it's not only what they do in FaiKava, the cheating with the Doa, but it's the impact because so many of the Fai Gava men left their families and run away with the Doa and leave the wife struggling with the children, and she has to fend for themselves. As you can see, the messages I received from so many wives of Fai Gava men, how many years ago, centuries of women suffering because of their husbands Fai Gava. So how can the Tongen community improve if the fathers are spending more time in Fai Gava than their time with their family and children at home? How can Tonga fight the drug problems if fathers are not at home? You know, if we want to fight the drug problems, we have to start at home. We have to start with fathers and mothers at home being presents for their children. So they don't have too much drama, mental trauma, that they need drugs to live, that they need drugs to forget, that they need drugs to numb them. I know the Pacific is struggling to fight the drug issues, the ice, the meth, you know, Fiji, Tonga. But if we want to see a different future, a different generation, we need to start at home. We need to have present mother and present fathers, especially fathers. Because you need to take the lead. You need to teach your children, you need to show them love and attention. So they don't need to go elsewhere. So they don't need drugs to deal with the mental trauma that you gave them when they grew up at home. Not only to the children, but the wife. What you do to the wife, the children will watch. And children learn by example. If you treat your wife badly, most likely they will grow up and treat their spouses badly. If you neglect your wife, most likely the children will grow up and neglect their wife as well. So whatever example you are giving your children, you know, don't be angry when they grow up and do the same thing, because you were the one who showed them. So if you don't want your children to become like you, maybe change. Well, it's time to change. It's never too late to change because absence fathers creates chaos in the society. What you are doing at home not only affects your home, but it also affects the society. You know, so many five cover men are attacking me and telling me to leave them to do whatever they want. Well, whatever you are doing is not only affecting you, it's affecting your family, it's affecting your home, affecting the society as well. So it's affecting the whole community, not just you. And that is why we're fighting these cover issues. And I know so many people are still asking, why are you not talking about alcohol and you know, well, alcohol has laws, open time, closing time. I've repeated this so many times. That's why we're fighting to regulate cover, just like alcohol. I received a testimonial yesterday in Tongen, um, where a husband was uh quitting his cover drinking and his beer drinking because his wife asked him to. And he listened and he stopped to make his wife happy and his children happy, and now they are living happily. And what I realized from receiving the testimony, so many five cover testimonials is that if the husband decides to quit cover drinking, then the family will last. The marriage will last. But if the husband can't stop his cover drinking, you know, his cover addiction, then the family is likely to fall apart and they break up. Or if they don't break up, the women suffer quietly at home. The women continue to suffer at home and the children for years on. And that is why I'm speaking up for these women. Because I know many of these women, they can't speak up in fear. Maybe their husbands are, you know, abuse him at home. And that is why, because I have the opportunity. I have a good home, I have a good husband, and he's helping me, he's encouraging me, he's supporting me in everything I'm doing now. So I have to use that opportunity that God has gifted me, you know, a good family, a good husband, a good life. So I can speak for others who are not so fortunate, who are suffering quietly at home. You know, the women and the children. So I hope you learned something today. Um, thank you so much for listening. Don't forget, go to Agnesigalfussi.com and register to join the waitlist so you can get early access to our Christoba Culture merch. If this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who needs to hear, share it with the Fight Government, your mates. And um thank you so much for listening. I hope you will have a great week and God bless. Stay home with your family. Until next time, take care, God bless, and stay empowered. Have a blessed week.