Episode 42 - Why Do So Many Pacific Men Treat Their Wives Badly?

In this episode of the, we discuss the shocking rates of domestic violence and sexual abuse against women in the Pacific and ask the hard question: Why do so many Pacific men treat their wives badly?

We dive into culture, faikava, fatherhood, biblical masculinity, and what the Bible actually says about how husbands should love their wives. I also share personal lessons from my own marriage and practical solutions for families, churches, governments, fathers, and husbands to help break these generational cycles.

A wife should feel peace around her husband, not fear.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Malalele, Pulabinaka, Tala Falava, and hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Pacific Impulment Podcast with your host Akanessica Ufusi. Did you know that around two in three women in the Pacific experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime? I know. Far higher than the global estimate of about one in three women. Um, you know, this week I had a look at the percentages of physical and sexual violence in the Pacific, and it was alarming, you know, to be honest. The Pacific has some of the highest rates of violence against women in the world. In many Pacific countries, studies show that between 60 to 80% of women experience some form of gender-based violence in their lifetime. UN and Pacific regional studies also show that sexual violence is widespread and heavily underreported because of shame, fear, family pressure, church and community reputation, the normalization of abuse, and weak justice systems. In Tonga, the Tonga National Study on Domestic Violence found that 79% of Tongan women and girls have experienced physical or sexual violence in their lifetime. Some studies also estimate that between 31% and 62% of Tongan women experience intimate partner violence. Can you look at that? Fiji has some of the highest recorded rates in the Pacific. According to national research by the Fiji Women's Crisis Center, 64% of women in intimate relationships have experienced physical or sexual violence by a husband or partner. While 34% of women experience sexual violence by an intimate partner. Multiple reports also found that one in three women in Fiji have been sexually abused in their lifetime. In Samoa, the Samoa Family Health and Safety Study found that 46% of ever-partnered women experience physical and or sexual violence by an intimate partner. The Samoa National Public Inquiry also found that six in ten Samoan women experienced intimate partner violence, while one in five Samoan women have been raped. This is shocking because the Pacific is, you know, well known for culture, family, and Christianity, yet some of the highest rates of violence and sexual abuse against women are happening in our own homes. You know when I was receiving the testimonials from wives of five other men and hearing how badly they've been treated? I started asking myself, why are these men like this? Why do so many men in the Pacific treat their wives this way? Who taught them to behave like dead? You know, who taught them to abuse their wives? Who taught them to neglect their wives and not look after them? Even when they are sick, you know, as we've heard from some of these testimonials, some men would rather stay at Faikawa while their wives are sick at home. Even when there are burglaries or danger at the house, when their wives call them, they still don't care. So why is that? Why don't they care about their wives? You know, as Christian nations, why are so many men treating their wives like this? We have to ask these hard questions. Because the cycle of violence never ends in the Pacific. It has been happening for generations, you know, even centuries. Education levels are increasing, you know. We have the highest rate of um graduates in the Pacific, and yet violence in homes is still high. So what is missing in the Pacific? Why are we still silent and not doing anything about it? As we heard from some of these testimonies, even fathers themselves taught their sons to cheat on their wives. Now I grew up in Tonga and I usually hear men say things like, beat her up to teach her a lesson, beat her up so you know she stays quiet, beat her up so she doesn't talk back. Why are our men being taught that violence is the only answer to treat their wives, their women? And after generations of calling ourselves Christian, why hasn't this mindset changed to align with what the Bible actually says? You know, we are tired of constantly hearing the verse about women, you know, submitting to their husbands while we rarely hear the verse in Ephesians 5.25 that says, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. So how did Christ love the church? You know, according to the Bible, Christ loved the church with sacrifice, patience, protection, gentleness, forgiveness, faithfulness, and leadership through service. In Ephesians 5 25, I'll repeat, it says, Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. But that phrase, gave himself up for her, is powerful because Christ literally sacrificed his life for the church. He did not abuse, neglect, you know, or dominate the church. He served. He served the church, he protected the church and saved the church. So Christ loved sacrificially. Jesus suffered and died for the church. So biblical love is not selfishness, abandoning responsibilities, and choosing friends over family, or leaving wives emotionally alone. Biblical leadership means putting your family before your own pleasures. You know, Christ also protected the church. Jesus protects his people spiritually and emotionally, and a husband should make his wife feel safe, protected, secure, and valued, and not fearful, anxious, or abandoned and feeling alone all the time. A wife should feel peace around her husband and not fear. Christ served the church. You know, Jesus washed his disciples' feet, and even though he was Lord, he served others. Biblical masculinity is not controlling women, it's not acting superior or demanding submission without responsibility. It is servant leadership. As Mark 1045 says, For even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve. You know, Christ was also faithful to the church. And husbands are therefore called to faithfulness, you know, called to loyalty, purity and integrity, not cheating, lusting, or dishonoring their wives. The Bible also says in Ephesians 5 28 to 29, He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it. To nourish means to care for, and to cherish means to value deeply. Your wife is not your servant. She is someone God commanded you to cherish. Christ also forgives and show grace that does not excuse abuse or wrongdoing, but biblical love includes humility, apology, gentleness, understanding, patience, and self-control, not rage, intimidation, violence or fear. The Greek word in the Bible God used for husbands loving their wives is agabe, sacrificial love, not control, not abuse, it's not neglect, it's not selfishness. Agabe is Christ like. Agape means putting your wife's well-being before your own desires. Now I I've heard this word agabe mentioned a lot in Tonga, you know, in church. But why don't they practice it? You know, it's too much talk of Agape love in the Bible, but they don't apply it to their daily lives at home. Christ didn't dominate the church, he died for it. That is the kind of love husbands we are commanded to show, for the husbands to love their wives just as Christ loved the church. So what do we do now? If we truly want to break the cycle of violence, you know, neglect, cheating, abuse, and father absence in the Pacific, then everyone has a responsibility, you know, the church, governments, fathers, husbands, communities, and even women raising the next generation. We cannot keep blaming the next generation when the current generation refuses to confront the problem. And as specific people, we need to stop normalizing toxic behavior in men. We need to stop laughing at cheating, glorifying womanizing, and encouraging men to neglect their families, and treating absent fathers as if it's normal male behavior, as not. We also need to stop telling women to stay silent for the sake of culture and not of family reputation while they suffer behind closed doors. Real love for our culture means protecting our women and children, not protecting harmful behavior and trying to silence them. We need men to hold each other accountable instead of enabling one another, like in Faikawa. Real brotherhood is not helping your friend cheat on his wife or escape his responsibilities. Real brotherhood is helping him become a better husband, father, and man. The church also has a huge responsibility because the Pacific is heavily Christian, Christian nation. So the church must stop preaching only about women submitting to their husbands while remaining silent about the command for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Churches need to teach biblical masculinity properly, not cultural masculinity disguised as Christians. Christlike leadership is not domination, it's not control, or intimidation, or violence. Christlike leadership is sacrifice, it's humility, it's gentleness, it's faithfulness, its service. And churches should be disciplining men and educating men on how to become good husbands and fathers. You know, teaching emotional maturity, teaching self-control, anger management, communication, and spiritual leadership. That is what the church should focus on. Now church leaders must also stop protecting abusive men because of status or reputation. Abuse should never be hidden for the sake of appearances while women and children continue suffering in silence. Governments across the Pacific also need to take domestic and sexual abuse more seriously. Stronger laws and better enforcement are needed to protect our women and children. Now victims need safe places to report abuse without fear or shame, a safe space to talk about their abusive experience and what's happening at home without being judged. More investment is needed in counseling services, mental health support, addiction recovery, parenting education, and community programs that teach healthy relationships and respect for women. We need to break the cycle. Schools, you know, should also educate young people about consent, emotional intelligence, healthy marriages, and the importance of fatherhood so that children grow up understanding what healthy love actually looks like. Um I saw on the news recently this week, I think or last week, that the European Parliament voted in favor of a resolution urging all European Union member states to adopt a unified, consent-based definition of rape. You know, the resolution establishes an only yes means yes standard, meaning that any sexual act without clear affirmative and freely given consent is considered rape. You know, I thought this has already passed all over the world, but it's surprising to see that it just happened recently in Europe. Um I'm not too sure about the United States and here in the Pacific. I think this is something we need to look at. But yes means yes standard, means that silence, a lack of resistance, or the absence of a no cannot be interpreted as content. It also explicitly recognizes trauma responses, such as freezing, as not constituting content. So this is very important. This is a huge win for the women in Europe. And I hope, you know, other countries, including the Pacific, will adopt the same law. That yes means yes, you know, and this is something the Pacific needs to look at. Because it's really important. This is how we protect our women is to strengthen the laws of uh rape and sexual abuse and domestic violence to protect our women and children. But yes, fathers also play one of the most important roles because fathers shape the future of entire generations. Sons learn how to treat women by watching their fathers at home. And daughters often learn what love looks like from the men in their homes. So fathers need to be emotionally present, not just financially present. And children need guidance, you know, affection, discipline with love. They need to watch their parents and love and happy at home. Now, many Pacific men repeat the same behavior they saw growing up because violence and emotional neglect became normalized in their homes. But generational cycles only end when someone decides to change. Now a real man does not pass down trauma to his children. A real man breaks the cycle for his family. Children are always watching how their father treats their mother. When sons grow up watching their fathers disrespect, neglect, cheat on, intimidate or abuse their mothers, they can grow up believing that behavior is normal. But when sons see their fathers loving their wives with patience, gentleness, faithfulness, protection and respect, they learn what true masculinity looks like. Fathers need to teach their sons the right way, not teaching them to cheat, like we hear from the testimony, or dominate women, like I hear in Tonga, or suppress their emotions, and use violence to control their women, their wives, their spouse. But fathers need to teach them self-control, accountability, respect women, humility, faithfulness in marriage, and taking responsibility at home. Many boys in the Pacific grow up hearing toxic advice from older men, especially in Fai Gawa, you know, things like be the man of the house, but never being taught what biblical manhood actually means. Some are taught to hide emotions, you know, avoid responsibility. They laugh about that, you know, or treat women as inferior. That mindset continues the cycle of broken families and violence in the Pacific. Now fathers need to teach their sons how to communicate properly, how to apologize when they are wrong, how to control their anger, how to remain faithful, and how to become protectors instead of predators. Now a strong man is not a man who controls women through fear. A strong man is a man who can lead his family with love, discipline, wisdom, and self-control. Daughters especially need fathers who make them feel valued and protected, because that often shapes the type of relationships they accept later in life. A father's love can help build confidence, security and self-worth in a daughter, but when daughters grow up witnessing abuse, disrespect or emotional neglect, they may normalize toxic relationships or believe that suffering is part of love. Fathers therefore carry a huge responsibility, not only for their children's present lives, but for the future generations that will come after them. If we want to heal the Pacific, we need fathers who are willing to lead differently from previous generations, fathers who are not ashamed to show love, who are present in their children's lives, who honor their wives, who teach their sons righteousness, and who protect rather than destroy their families. That is the kind of leadership that changes generations. And finally, husbands need to return to what God actually commanded. The Bible says love your wives as Christ loved the church. So what does loving your wife actually look like for husbands? Because many men say they love their wives, but biblical love is more than words. According to the Bible, love is shown through actions, through sacrifice, faithfulness, protection, patience, and self-control. Loving your wife means making her feel safe, making her feel valued, making her feel respected, heard, and protected. It means being present emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. A husband who truly loves his wife will not constantly abandon her emotionally while giving all his time, energy, and attention to outside distractions, addictions, or unhealthy social circles like FaiKava. Loving your wife means staying at home instead of spending every night at Faikava while your wife is exhausted, stressed, lonely, or struggling with the children alone. It means checking on her when she is sick, looking after her when she is sick instead of leaving her all night to sit around a gover bowl. It means protecting your home and family instead of neglecting your responsibilities while your wife carries the emotional and physical burden by herself. Some women have shared heartbreaking testimonies of being sick, you know, being scared, emotionally neglected, or struggling financially while their husbands continued prioritizing Faigava over their families. That is not Christ-like love. That is not Agabe that the Bible talks about. Christ did not neglect the church for his own pleasures. He sacrificed himself for it. Loving your wife also means remaining faithful in your heart and mind, not lusting towards other women. Now many wives are deeply hurt, not only by physical cheating, but by the lust, you know, disrespect, flirting with the emotional affairs and you know, inappropriate behavior that often happen in some Fai Gava environments. Some women feel humiliated watching their husbands constantly surrounding themselves with other women in Fai Gava while neglecting the emotional needs of their own wives at home. You know, a husband should never place another woman in a position that dishonors his marriage or causes his wife emotional pain. Or privately. Loving your wife means controlling your anger and rejecting violence completely. Violence is not leadership. Violence is not masculinity. And violence is weakness without self-control. Too many Pacific women grew up hearing things like beat her so she learns, beat her to keep her quiet, or beat her to teach her respect. That mindset is deeply dangerous and completely against the teaching of Christ, the word of God. The Bible never commands husbands to rule through fear, intimidation, abuse, or force. Christ never abused the church. He led with love, patience, you know, and sacrifice. A man who terrorizes his wife and children destroys the very family God entrusted him to protect. Loving your wife also means speaking to her with gentleness and respect. Some women are not physically abused, but they are emotionally wounded every day through insults, humiliation, shouting, you know, silent treatment, manipulation or neglect. Words can deeply damage a person over time. A husband should be his wife's safe place, not the source of her anxiety, fear, or emotional pain. A godly husband encourages, uplifts, listens, communicates, and apologizes when wrong, and treats his wife with dignity even during disagreements. A husband who truly loves his wife will also lead spiritually. He will pray with his family, guide his children, encourage righteousness in the home, and lead by example. Many men want authority in the home without accepting responsibility. But biblical leadership is not about control, it is about sacrifice and service. Christ washed the feet of his disciples, he served others. That is the model husbands were given. If Pacific families are going to heal, men must stop measuring masculinity by pride, dominance, not partying, womanizing, or spending every night away from home. Real masculinity is faithfulness, discipline, self-control, sacrifice, responsibility and love. A strong man is not the loudest man in the room or the man feared by his wife and children. A strong man is the one who protects his family, remains faithful to his wife, raises his children well, controls his emotions, and leads his home with wisdom, humility, and love. The Pacific does not have to remain trapped in these cycles forever. We can raise better men, we can build healthier marriages, we can protect our women and children, and create stronger families for future generations. But change only happens when we stop defending harmful behavior and start aligning ourselves with truth, accountability, and what God actually intended marriage and family to be. Before I end this episode, I just want to share a little about my own marriage. Because I don't want people to think I only talk about the problems without, you know, understanding the work and sacrifices marriage actually looks like. Marriage actually requires. You know, my husband and I have been married for 11 years, and this month we will be celebrating our 12th year anniversary next week. The beginning of our marriage was uh not easy, it was very difficult because we were both young. We were in our 20s, you know, very immature in many ways, and you know, still carrying our own wounds and beliefs. Back then I didn't fully understand what healing was. And because my husband was raised in Tonga, while I had different perspectives and experiences, we often clashed. We used to fight a lot, you know, and there were moments where certain situations almost ended our marriage. Now, but one thing that has always stood out to me about my husband is that he's not a violent person. He has never been the type to resort to violence or intimidation or aggression. He's very calm, very humble, patient, collected person. I'm definitely the stronger personality in the relationship, so both of our personalities came with pros and guns, but over the years we learned how to communicate with each other properly. Communication is one of the important foundations of a healthy marriage. I noticed that the biggest fights we ever had usually happened was when our extended family became too involved in our marriage. That was when things became really difficult for us. But when we learned to protect our marriage, communicate privately, and not allow too many outside voices into our relationship, we rarely fought to the point of wanting divorce. You know, dealing with in-laws and boundaries is a whole topic on its own. Um, but what I learned is that marriage cannot survive if everybody else controls it, except the husband and wives themselves. Now the reason our marriage survived is because my husband really loves me and I love him. You know, he listens to me, he respects me, he treats me like a queen, he never pressures me or, you know, forces me to do things I don't want to do. Even during huge arguments, you know, instead of escalating the situation, he usually steps outside to cool down, you know, then comes back and we calmly talk things through. Over the years, you know, I also had to learn humility myself. And I may be strong publicly, but at home here I learned the importance of listening to my husband, submitting to my husband, and of respecting him and working as a team instead of always trying to win arguments. And one of the biggest lessons we learn is that secrets destroy marriages. We tell each other everything. Even the hardest and most uncomfortable truths, because um, you know, trust cannot survive where secrecy lives, and marriage requires honesty, transparency, humility, forgiveness, and emotional maturity from both husband and wife. Now sometimes couples are so focused on defending themselves that they stop listening to each other. But healing begins when both people are willing to humble themselves, communicate without pride, listen without immediately becoming offended, and work together towards solutions instead of constantly attacking each other. Marriage also requires sacrifice. You know, sometimes you have to sacrifice your own ego, pride, desires, habits, or unhealthy influences in order to protect your peace and your family. But I truly believe, you know, the joy, you know, the peace, the security and love that come from a healthy marriage far outweigh any temporary excitement people seek outside of it. And the good thing my husband doesn't drink or socialize much. So um, even myself, so we generally enjoy spending time together, and after all these years, we still never get tired of each other's company. And I honestly cannot imagine my life without my husband, and he feels the same about me. Above everything else, we put God at the center of our marriage, and we pray together, we lift our families up to God, and we ask him to guide us, because no marriage can truly survive long term without wisdom, grace, humility, forgiveness, especially in God's direction. And because I have experienced a loving and peaceful marriage, you know, I genuinely want other women and men, couples out there to experience that kind of love too, because it's beautiful. Marriage can be beautiful when two people are willing to grow together, heal together, communicate, sacrifice, and choose each other daily. Now sometimes people think happiness is found outside their marriage, but often the real solution is not finding another person that is becoming the right person for your spouse and working together to build the kind of marriage you both deserve. You know, I wouldn't be able to host my podcast and fight this fight gavandoa issue if I didn't have a supportive husband. That is very important in marriage. You need a husband who supports you, support your ambition, you know, and um not force you to do something that you don't want to do. And you need a husband who's then by your side, especially when things get tough. You know, last year when people were attacking me online all over social media, you know, any other kind of man would tell me to stop. You know, would tell me to stop because he's ashamed of me or he's embarrassed or whatever. But my husband was very different. He was supporting me emotionally in everything I needed, anything I want. He supported me. And I, you know, I do ask for his advice. And his advice is always based on the Bible and what God wants us to do. It's not based on his own perspectives. You know, he always goes to the Bible and God wants you to do this, you know. I'm God wants you to fight for these victims, you know. And that is the blessing that I have in my marriage. It's that I have a very kind and compassionate husband who stands by me for better or for worse. That is what marriage is. For better or for worse, not only when it's when it's good, not only when it fits your desires, not only when you're happy, but marriage is you know being there for each other, no matter what. And trusting God to solve all the problems that you're having in marriage. Because there's no problem speaker to God. I know it's very important choosing if you're if you're not married yet and you're listening, choosing your husband is the most important decision you make, apart from accepting Christ into your heart, into your life. Because he, your husband, your spouse will be the one you'll spend the rest of your years on this earth with. So you need a good husband, you need a good partner. Uh, and you need a good marriage to support each other and happy marriage. Life is too short to be miserable. Why would you want to live in a miserable marriage and not try to work things out so you can both be happy? Our marriage wasn't perfect 12 years. We're celebrating 12 years. But you you didn't see how many times we were almost, you know, divorced, almost separated. Marriage requires work and sacrifice. It's not easy. But once you overcome all those hurdles in the beginning of your marriage, the rest of the years spending together with your husband or your wife is worth it. Take my advice. Um, but yes, putting God in the center of it is the key. And you being humble enough to admit that you need to work on yourself, that you need help. Both the husband and wife, that you need help. You need to be humble enough to admit that you need help. You can look for counselor, therapy, talk to your pastor, talk to your friend, talk to anyone who's good. Seek a good circle to go to. If your five circle is constantly talking down women, degrading women, you know, cheating on their wives, that's not a good circle for you to be in. You need to remove yourself because the saying is true that you are who you hang around with. So whoever you hang around with, it will deeply impact your life. And you better make sure that it's a good impact, not a bad one. So choose your circle wisely, you know, be there for your wives. Because when you are sick, it's your wife who's looking after you, not the Vikoman, not your um, you know, affairs. They will all run away when you are in trouble when you're sick. Your wife will be the one who stands by your side. So treat her like the queen that she is, that she deserves to be treated. So yeah, this is our episode for today. I hope you learned something. And um thank you so much for listening. You know, listen to understand, do not listen to respond or the best with uh your marriage, you know. Leave it to God to do the rest and work on yourself. And God bless you until next week.