Episode 43 - Wives, Don’t Lose Yourself Trying to Fix a Man Who Refuses to Change.

In this episode, Akanesi Kaufusi speaks directly to the wives of faikava men and any wives struggling emotionally in their marriages. 

We discuss emotional neglect, boundaries, healing, supporting husbands with unhealthy habits, and why women should never lose themselves trying to fix a man who refuses to change. 

Akanesi also shares some of her own experiences and lessons from celebrating 12 years of marriage.

Transcript

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Malelele Pulabinaka Talafalava and hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Pacific Empowerment Podcast with your host Akanessika Fusi. And today's episode is for the wives. The women silently carrying emotional burdens while trying to hold their marriages, their children, their homes, and even themselves together. This episode is especially for the wives of five government. But honestly, many of the things we're talking about today affect women all around the world. And before we start, I want to make something very clear. This episode is not about blaming women for the behavior of men. No. Women are not responsible for fixing grown men. This episode is about helping women protect their peace, rebuild themselves emotionally, and stop losing their identity while trying to save someone who refuses to confront their own dysfunction. Because one thing I've noticed in many Pacific communities is that women are expected to carry almost everything emotionally. Now women are expected to be patient, understanding, you know, forgiving, loyal, nurturing, emotionally available, and somehow still remain silent through suffering. And many women have become so used to surviving that they no longer even recognize how emotionally drained they really are. Before we continue on, I'm gonna read one of the testimony I received from a wife of a Fai Gaba man. I'm just to show, you know, the pain and the suffering that the wives of these men are going through. So this is her testimony. There was a season in my marriage where I became deeply hurt by the culture around Fai Gava. Let me be clear, I don't believe the cover ceremony itself is evil. Fellowship, culture, and Dalanoa can be beautiful things when done with wisdom and balance. But the issue for me was when it began taking priority over family responsibilities and the well-being of the home. After having our newborn, my body was still recovering physically, emotionally and mentally. Yet every weekend after choir and church, my husband would go to Faigava and stay out late into the night while I was home exhausted with a newborn, trying to heal and care for our children. I felt alone. There were nights I would message him asking him to come home because I needed help with the baby, bottles, and simply support as his wife. But instead of understanding my cries, I often felt dismissed, as though caring for the children was solely the mother's responsibility. That season opened my eyes to the difference between culture and Christ like love. Culture can be beautiful, but when it becomes an excuse to neglect your family, ignore your wife's struggles or continue behavior that brings division into the home, something is out of balance. I kept thinking about how Christ loved people, not only through words, preaching or public appearances, but through service, compassion, sacrifice, and presence. True leadership begins at home, true love serves, true faith should be visible inside the households first. There were moments I became angry and bitter because I felt unhurt for so long. But through everything, God strengthened me to finally stand firm about what kind of environment I wanted for my children in my marriage. I began speaking openly about partnership support and mutual respect in the home. Slowly my husband began to understand that a wife and mother also carries great value, and that raising children and maintaining a home should never fall on one person alone. Marriage is teamwork. Parenthood is teamwork. This testimony is not about attacking culture or people. It's about reminding us that Christ must remain above every tradition, every gathering and every excuse. If our actions after church do not reflect love, patience, responsibility, and service at home, then we must re-examine ourselves honestly before God. I still believe healing, understanding, and restoration are possible when both husband and wife choose humility, communication and Christ like love. Hashtag still healing, hashtag still pushing for my kids. So this is a reason testimony I received because it is still open up to wives of Vikoma men out there who are suffering to send the testimony in and send their story in, you know, if you need someone to talk about this is a way of releasing the stress and the pain and the suffering that you've been carrying silently for so long. So um I want to thank you to the wife of this Vikoma men for sharing her experience and her understanding. So that is why this episode we are focusing on the wives. Because one thing I've noticed in many Pacific communities is that women are expected to carry almost everything emotionally. You know, women are expected to be patient, understanding, forgiving, loyal, nurturing, emotionally available, spiritually strong, financially supportive, and somehow still remain silent through suffering. And many women have become so used to surviving that they no longer even recognize how emotionally drained they really are. You know, research around the world actually supports this. You know, according to UN Women, women globally perform around two and a half times more unpaid care and domestic work than men. That means women are already carrying most of the cooking, you know, the cleaning, emotional care, child care, carekeeping, and household responsibilities. And what is said is that many women are doing all of this while feeling emotionally neglected themselves. There was also a major review published in the British Medical Journal that found unpaid domestic and emotional labor negatively impacts women's mental health, you know, increasing stress, burnout, anxiety, and emotional extortion. And honestly, you know, many Pacific women don't even realize they are burned out because the struggle has become normalized for them. Extortion has become normalized. Silent suffering has become normalized for Pacific women. And one of the biggest mistakes many women make is losing themselves trying to save a man who doesn't want to change. Some women become consumed by their husband's behavior. They spend their nights worrying, you know, stressing, crying, waiting for him to come home, checking phones, you know, checking messages, anger, loneliness. Over time, they slowly stop living for themselves. They stop taking gear of their health. You know, they stop pursuing dreams, their own dreams, they stop building themselves. The emotional world becomes completely controlled by another person's behavior. And ladies, I want you to hear me carefully today. Your identity is not your husband's dysfunction. You cannot allow another person's unhealthy habits to destroy your peace, your confidence, your health, and your future. You can love someone deeply and still protect yourself emotionally. One thing women especially struggle with is emotional neglect. And emotional neglect is dangerous because it's often invisible. You know, society notices the process. They notice the cheating, you know, the scandals. But emotional abandonment inside marriage, they often get ignored. Many women are laying next to emotionally unavailable men every night. Some wives feel more alone married than they did single. And what's sad is that many women are told to minimize their pain. You know, people say things like, well, at least it's not cheating, or at least he comes home eventually, or that's just how men are. But emotional absence still damages marriages, you know, damages families and children. A husband can be physically present but emotionally absent. And I've heard this a lot from many wives or for government testimonials. You know, many wives are grieving emotionally while still married. Research has shown that substance related behaviors and emotionally unhealthy environments negatively impact wives psychologically. Studies involving women whose husbands struggled with substance misuse found high levels of anxiety, loneliness, shame, emotional instability, depression, and emotional extortion among wives. Many women reported feeling isolated and emotionally trapped because their husbands' habits slowly became the center of the household's dysfunction. Now, obviously Fai Gaba is culturally different from alcohol or drugs, but when any habit becomes excessive to the point where it damages family relationships, emotional connection, and peace in the home, then it becomes a family issue, not just a personal hobby. And honestly, many women are silently carrying emotional pain while pretending publicly that everything is okay. This is why boundaries are important. And I know many Pacific women struggle with boundaries because culture often teaches women that speaking up is disrespectful. Women are taught keep quiet, protect the family image, and avoid embarrassing men publicly. But let me say this clearly. Boundaries are not disrespect. Silence is not peace, and enabling destructive behavior is not love. You know, some women are constantly covering for their husbands, you know, lying for them, making excuses for them, protecting them from accountability, you know, pretending everything is okay publicly while privately they are breaking down emotionally. But eventually resentment builds, you know, emotional exhaustion builds, and some women completely lose themselves trying to maintain an image of a happy family. Healthy communication matters. Women should be able to communicate their emotional needs, their loneliness, their frustrations, and their concerns without being dismissed, without being mocked or silenced. And if accountability always creates anger, you know, defensiveness, manipulation, or intimidation, then that itself reveals deeper emotional immaturity. Another thing I really want women listening to understand today is this. Do not wait for a man to become better before you become better. One of the most powerful things a woman can do is rebuild herself mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. Some women stop growing because they become emotionally consumed by their husband's habits. But ladies, your life still matters. Your purpose still matters, your health still matters. Try waking up earlier. Try exercising, reading books, journal your emotions, you know, heal your trauma, focus on healing, build your confidence, learn new skills, strengthen your spiritual connection with God, start a business, go back to study, you know. Build routines that strengthen your mind and body instead of emotionally drowning in someone else's problems, in your husband's problems. And one thing I've noticed is that when women become stronger emotionally, they often stop operating from desperation. You know, they stop begging for bare minimum attention from their spouse. They stop tolerating emotional neglect as normal, and they begin seeing their own worth more clearly. This issue is bigger than just cover. This is about generational patterns. One of the hardest truths, you know, many women have to accept is this. You cannot heal someone who loves their dysfunction. You cannot force transformation onto someone who refuses accountability. Some men use faiva to escape, you know, some use it to avoid responsibilities, avoid emotional vulnerability, you know, avoid leadership, avoid stress, avoid difficult conversations, or seek validation from other men. And until a person personally decides they want to confront themselves, there is no amount of begging, no amount of crying, arguing, or sacrificing yourself will change them. I mean, support is good, you know, prayer is good, encouragement is good, but enabling dysfunction is dangerous, you know? Some women have sacrificed years of emotional well-being trying to rescue men who don't even believe they have a problem. Ladies, you are not responsible for carrying another adult's willingness to change. You know, some wives feel like they are competing with the Faicava circle itself. Competing for time, competing for attention, competing for emotional connection. But ladies, let me tell you this. Never back to be valued. Protect your dignity. You deserve emotional presence. You deserve communication, you deserve partnership, you deserve peace, you deserve love that feels safe emotionally, not love that constantly leaves you emotionally starving. Well, now I'm not saying marriage is easy, you know, I'm saying every marriage has struggles. But emotional neglect should never become normalized. One thing I think many cultures around the world overlook is how emotionally exhausted women really are. You know, women often carry the emotional atmosphere of the entire home. They carry children emotionally, they carry responsibilities emotionally. And many women are doing all of this while emotionally unsupported themselves. You know, strong women get tired too, you know, strong women they cry too. Strong women need emotional safety too. And sadly, many women stay silent because they fear judgment, shame, embarrassment, gossip, church pressure, cultural pressure, or family pressure. Some are terrified of being labeled, you know, disrespectful or rebellious simply for expressing emotional pain. But silence is not healing. Healing requires truth. And ladies, I really want to encourage you today, stop neglecting yourself. Your health matters. Your confidence matters. Your emotional well-being matters. Build routines that bring life back into you, you know? Exercise, eat healthier, read, learn, heal, pray, build friendships with emotionally healthy people. Find a healthy circle who loves to improve themselves, who loves to learn, loves to grow. And stop centering your entire emotional world around another person's behavior, your husband's behavior. You cannot pour endlessly into people while your own soul is empty. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You have to fill your cup first before you can be able to help others. You have to take care of yourself first before you are able to take care of others. One thing I also want to talk about in this episode is something many women quietly ask themselves but are often too afraid to say out loud. How do I become a better wife without losing myself? A woman is not responsible for carrying her husband's entire life emotionally. But at the same time, research does show that healthy supported relationships can positively influence men's emotional well-being, their recovery, discipline, and their behavior. Globally, studies consistently show that men highly value emotional peace. They value respect, support, affection, loyalty, encouragement, emotional safety, and appreciation in relationships. Now many men are not always looking for perfection. What they deeply grave is peace. Research from relationship psychology has shown that emotional connection, admiration, respect, and positive communication strongly influence relationship satisfaction for men. Men who feel emotionally supported and respected in healthy ways are often more motivated to improve themselves, to communicate better, and become more emotionally present. Now, obviously, respect does not mean tolerating bad behavior, let's make that very clear. Respect is not silence in the face of dysfunction. Respect is not enabling addiction. And our respect is not abandoning your own dignity by healthy communication matters. Sometimes when women are deeply hurt, you know, they're exhausted and emotionally neglected for years, they begin operating completely from pain, anger, bitterness, criticism, or emotional shutdown. And honestly, that's understandable. But over time, constant hostility inside a marriage can create even more emotional distance between the husband and the wife. Now research from marriage experts like Dr. John Gottman found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and emotional stonewalling are some of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. That means how couples communicate during pain and conflict matters deeply. Healthy men are naturally drawn to women who bring peace into their life, not constant chaos. And that doesn't mean being weak or submissive to dysfunction, it means becoming emotional healthy yourself. A woman who is emotionally healthy communicates calmly, respects herself, sets healthy boundaries, nurtures herself, continues growing, and carries peace within herself. And honestly, many men deeply value women who feel emotionally safe to come home to. Now, let's talk about a supporting husband struggling with unhealthy cover habits or addiction burdens. Because many women listening may genuinely love their husbands and want to help them recover. Research around addiction recovery globally shows one very important thing. Recovery often improves when people feel emotionally supported instead of constantly shamed. Shame alone rarely transform people long term. Accountability matters, but support matters too. Studies on addiction recovery have shown that supportive family environments, emotional encouragement, healthy communication and positive relationships can significantly improve recovery outcomes. People struggling with unhealthy habits are more likely to seek change when they feel emotionally supported while still being held accountable. So what can wives do in the situation? First, stop trying to control everything. You cannot force recovery. You cannot monitor someone into transformation. Real change must come from personal conviction. And second, encourage open conversations without constant attacking. Sometimes men avoid difficult conversations. conversations because every discussions immediately turns into yelling, insults, humiliation, or hopelessness. Again, accountability matters, but communication style matters too. Third, encourage healthier routines together. Exercise together, go for walks together, pray together, spend quality time together outside the fai cover environment. Create positive experiences at home. Some men escape because home itself feels emotionally heavy. Feels stressful, hostile or disconnected. Fourth, celebrate progress, not just failures. Sometimes women become so focused on what a man is doing wrong that they never acknowledge growth, effort, or improvement. Positive reinforcement can actually motivate behavioral change more effectively than constant criticism alone. Fifth, encourage accountability and support systems. Healthy male friendships, you know, counseling, mentorship, church support or emotionally mature men can help influence positive change. Ladies, I need to say this again because it's important supporting a husband does not mean destroying yourself emotionally in the process. You can support someone whilst you're protecting your mental health, your emotional well-being and dignity. And honestly, some of the strongest women are not the ones who silently tolerate everything. Some of the strongest women are the ones who learn how to love wisely. Women who know when to support, when to encourage, when to set boundaries, when to confront issues calmly and when to stop carrying responsibilities that were never theirs to carry alone. Because healthy love is not about one person drowning while trying to keep another person afloat. Healthy love requires accountability, effort, emotional presence, sacrifice, growth and healing from both husband and wife. Before I end this episode I'll read this short testimony from a wife of a five government, now ex wife. This is her testimony One night I was home alone with my baby as my partner had gone to cover about two PM My baby was in his bed and I went to go downstairs to make him a bottle for bed. Unfortunately I fell down the stairs all the way to the bottom I couldn't get up and I was in immense pain. I looked up the stairs as my baby had come to see what had happened. He looked so worried but didn't know what to do. I struggled to get up and go to him to reassure him. I tried to ring my husband but no answer. I then sent him a message telling him what happened and I was in so much pain. He messaged back asking if he had to stop his conversation to come home. I knew then that he didn't care about his family or wife. I managed to get up to go make my baby a bottle and come back to cuddle him while crying of neglect from my husband. He eventually rang me but manipulated his way out of not having to leave Kaba because they were fundraising and they had an important international representative there. This is a very sad testimony and this is you know an example of what the wives of government or any wives out there who are struggling with their husband's behavior, their husband's neglect their husband's addiction. If you have tried everything to change your husband he doesn't focus on yourself. Focus on improving yourself. I am celebrating my 12 year wedding anniversary for my husband and it's so funny because there are so many rumors out there about me saying that I um have been divorced that I am now married to my second husband or my third husband or my fourth husband and all of that is false. This is my only marriage and my first marriage I haven't been divorced this is my only husband and we are celebrating our 12th year anniversary of what I learned from my marriage as a woman is the communication. So any feeling I have um I I tell my husband I'm so open in communicating and tell my husband oh I'm so angry at you because you did this and did this or I'm not happy that you did this. Or when I'm happy I say oh I'm so happy you know we I had so much fun you know I enjoy our dinner or I enjoy our time together and also appreciation you know appreciating your husband you know not always criticizing him all the time but showing gratefulness um showing support encouragement you know saying thank you sometimes our culture we don't do that in our tongue and culture we rarely see our parents you know saying thank you or whatever because I don't know why but the our parents and our grandparents relationship they were not really close but I encourage you know being so open with communication saying thank you to your husband thank you for working today at the end of the week thank you so much for working this week you know I appreciate you you know going out there and working so hard for our family thank you that is what I do and um sometimes I'm angry and my husband and I'm angry but um I try to stop criticizing him all the time or sometimes uh when he doesn't do stuff I'm angry and I tell him oh you should do this you know try to say positive things about your husband try to say good things about your husband you know appreciate him appreciate his time and my husband loves it because he he knows everything I'm feeling there's no secret like I don't when I'm angry I tell him I do not stay silent for a day or two or three because I'm angry at him but when I'm angry I just tell him straight and say oh I'm not happy that he did this and this and then we talk it out we communicate and then that's it short and sweet. And then we continue on living. And that is why communication is really important. And um I don't like being quiet or staying silent you know if I'm angry at him and staying silent for a few hours or a day or two um I can't do that. I would rather tell my husband so we can sort it out as soon as possible I don't like staying angry for a long time and I don't like staying silent and not talking to my husband. So um communication is really important be open. Tell your husband what you're feeling tell your husband in a good way in a good tone you know you're not saying you're not shouting or yelling to your husband about your feeling you know sit down with him and tell him this is what I'm feeling you know I do not like you going to FaiKava I am not happy that you always go to FaiKava you know um tell him in a in a good calm manner you know let's talk this out what is happening what is happening you know why do you always go to FaiKava? Is there something wrong in our marriage? Are you not happy with me? Are you not happy with our marriage? You know talk to him I'm I'm telling you when you try to communicate with your husband that is usually the first key to solve your marriage you know is there anything that I need to do to improve our marriage but if you try and everything fails and he still doesn't listen then that is when you focus on yourself you build yourself up make yourself busy and um don't waste your time on him because if he doesn't care you cannot change him you can pray for him and ask God to change him but communication is key be open and that is what I do and we survive 12 years of marriage but that doesn't mean my marriage is perfect. Marriage is not easy but uh when two both the husband and wife are willing to work it out that is when marriage works and that is when your marriage and your family improves is when you are both willing to work it out. If only one person is willing to work it out and the other is not then it's really hard for a marriage to survive if there's no communication. If the husband has a cover addiction what can you do? Ask your husband well do you want to see a therapist? You know do you want to see a pastor wh is there something did something happen to you? What are you trying to forget? What are you trying to numb? You know trying to understand your husband you know and why he's behaving the way he is there something that you're struggling with mentally so you can be able to help them and support them. Yeah um I hope you learned something from this episode and my heart is with you women out there who are struggling I be strong and go out there and make something do something for yourself and your family and show your children that you cannot be messed with you know that you are strong and you can do this um and you know you can turn your family around or you can turn your life around don't let whatever your husband is doing to think that that is what you are worth if he's treating you bad that is not what you're worth you are the one who decides your worth you decide who you are if you think that you deserve to be treated with respect to be treated like a queen then you will demand respect from your husband or anyone so stay strong stand your ground and fight for your marriage or improve yourself but thank you thank you for listening hope you learned something have a great week put God first in your marriage and everything will work out yeah thank you very much and thank you so much God bless you have a blessed week