For the Love of Facts
For the Love of Facts is a podcast where two therapists, Dr. Zamzam Dini and Dr. Kadija Mussa, unpack the truths behind love, relationships, and healing. In a world full of noise and myths, we bring culturally grounded, evidence-based conversations that center faith, connection, and care. No fluff—just facts.
For the Love of Facts
The Invisible Weight: How Life's Demands Test Your Partnership
The weight of the world doesn't stop at your doorstep. When you snap at your partner after a tough day or find yourselves arguing about who woke up earlier, you're experiencing how external stress infiltrates and shapes your most intimate relationship.
Stress doesn't exist in isolation—it crosses between partners like a contagion. As we explore in this revealing conversation, your nervous systems literally communicate with each other, meaning one person's stress inevitably affects both of you. Whether it's everyday invisible labor (like managing household schedules and appointments), major life events (job loss, moving, illness), or structural stressors (racism, immigration challenges), these pressures test the foundation of your relationship in profound ways.
What separates struggling couples from thriving ones isn't the absence of stress—it's how they face it together. Research shows that couples who frame challenges with "we language" and approach problems as a team report higher satisfaction and better outcomes. The strongest partnerships aren't those that "thug it out" alone but those who acknowledge their stress levels, communicate needs clearly, and protect their connection even during life's storms.
From understanding how stress crosses between partners to recognizing when your bandwidth is depleted, this episode offers practical insights for weathering life's pressures together. Learn why checking in with a simple "what's your stress level today?" might be the relationship-saving question you're not asking, and discover how building protective factors like emotional support and strong social networks can buffer against inevitable stressors. Join us next time as we dive deeper into one of the most significant relationship stressors: money and power dynamics.
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Have you ever snapped at your partner after a bad day at work or argued about something small because life just felt too heavy? Welcome to today's episode where we talk about how it's not just us. Stress shapes our relationships as well. Oftentimes you know like people may be strong, they may be together, they may be comfortable with each other, and so that may not be the issue. But sometimes the issue is from outside pressures, stressors at work, stressors at school, and so how do couples navigate that? Khadija, what do you think I mean?
Speaker 2:that is so true because stress outside of the relationship seriously impacts the relationship, right, and I don't know if many times people think about that. So if you think about the vulnerability stress adaptation model, it talks about enduring vulnerabilities which are like your personality, your attachment style, even your mental health health, like how you come into the relationship, even past relationships and the traumas you have accumulated over time from those all of that with you.
Speaker 2:You bring that's your baggage right, you bring that into the relationship and then you have um, external stressors, which are some of the things we'll be talking about here Money problems, which is like number one for couples, and couples experiencing racism, or even parenting stress or immigration status. Really all of those and systems, right the law, how is that set up for couples? All of those things add to the stress that couples experience. And then one other thing is really, how are they coping with that? Right, their adaptive process? What is their communication like? What are their problem solving skills? Then all of those things can help couples withstand, or, I guess, like buffer the impact of stress on their relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so this is a great topic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know, like the assumption is that like you can get rid of all of your stressors. That is literally impossible. And so we're not saying don't have a, you have to have a stress free life. But kind of our focus is how are you both navigating the stressors together? And sometimes the stressors are uneven, right, where maybe one partner has a little bit more difficulties to navigate than the other person. And so how are both, both partners showing up together as a team and navigating these stressors together, not just saying, oh well, this is your family or this is your job, right, like how are you adapting together?
Speaker 2:I think, yeah, you hit it head on. That really is what makes a huge difference for couples, right. It's recognizing and then dealing with the stress. And I think we can break stress down into like everyday stressors right, we mentioned those. That's really things that just happen every day and they stress you out and they have been known to lower marital satisfaction or relationship satisfaction, even when couples don't talk about it.
Speaker 1:That's crazy to me, yeah Right, even if they're not actively like arguing about like tours or daycare or family, this still like lowers their satisfaction in the marriage.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, you are. Like I'm in this relationship with this person. I'm stressed the heck out. Like why isn't somebody stepping up to help me or something, even if you? So that's why communication is the key. Right To say like I feel stressed, I'm experiencing those things, so like I'm worried and most of the time, women carry the administrative task of the household. That's very stressful. Right like I'm arranging all the pickup and drop-off times.
Speaker 1:I am doing the shopping, yeah yes, have to make doctor's appointment.
Speaker 2:Remember those appointments? Um so like just everyday stressors that build and build. So when you have all of those things going on, if you're not really getting the support that you need with those things, yeah, you kind of, internally, are very angry yeah, and just because something happens every day, it's commonplace, right, like you, that does not mean you still don't need help, right?
Speaker 1:just because this person has been doing this for what five, ten years, they've always done it, that does not mean they've always never needed help, right? And I feel like people really assume that, like, if you are, you, you've been doing this for what? You've had two children, now a third one is not going to make a difference. I feel like that assumption is very dangerous because we really lose the humanity in this person's limitations. Like they have a finite amount of energy and capacity and capacity and we assume that because they're handling things now, that that energy just continues to like grow when this person is really burnt out yeah, yeah, yeah, that is so true, and I think people can easily say like they're stressed out when there are major life events happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the ones that can identify a little bit more. So like move to another state or even down the street, right, you move to a bigger house, move like illnesses, like somebody's diagnosed with a chronic illness, somebody's lost their job, or immigration, either migrating to a new country or dealing with immigration and it's you know policies and all that stuff. But those are like the ones that people can kind of point to right and say like, yeah, I've lost my dad, like I'm not really in the right headspace right now I can't be here for this relationship. But even Richard shows that couples that face job loss report higher conflict. But then it also creates opportunities for solidarity. Right, they, they're able to both recognize this as an issue, as a major life event, and if they both tackle this together, they come out stronger on the other side yeah, yeah, I think that that makes a difference of coming together and dealing with it, and it's easier to do that with major life events than it is for everyday stressors, and I think that's the thing I noticed the most in sessions.
Speaker 2:Couples argue about little things. Yeah, I have literally I legitimately had a couple arguing about who woke up earlier. You know you got 30 more minutes sleep than I did, like what, um? But yeah, it's true, because that's that's really important to the individual.
Speaker 1:But then it could just go completely missed by your partner you know, in research we call that invisible labor, right, like it's all of this labor you're doing, but people don't appreciate it, they don't see it. Quote unquote right, because it's so commonplace, like the dishes being washed, the laundry being done. Those are things that we take for granted, that we only recognize if the person stops doing it altogether yeah, and I think we touched a little bit on this is chronic and structural stressors right um, we don't think of them as such.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like bigger systems. I mean like bigger systems, right? So there's like the individual person, the little things you deal with, and then between couples and then, you have major life events and of course then systemic racism like poverty, immigration related pressures, especially now, discrimination.
Speaker 1:So all of those things add to stress to the couple yeah, especially if you combine, like, the structural issues with, like, family issues. So, like, let's say, I have a lot of my couples are interracial and sometimes a lot of the work that we do is more about how is? How is the minoritized partner navigating the experiences of racism and discrimination in his, in their own family system, right, and so it's like we have to navigate. How do we address structural stressors along with, you know, relational or everyday stressors, because those are two different things and they're happening simultaneously, but they need to be addressed at the same time, dress at the same time. And so when you have a partner who, let's say, like, imagine if you have a partner who doesn't even believe in racism or doesn't think what their family is doing is discriminatory, right, imagine the type of stress that puts on the couple system.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean that's huge. I think one of the things like the positives of couples coming from the same culture or background is that understanding and that stress can be externalized out of the couple system, whereas, you know, when we talk about interracial couples, then that stress also adds to the couple stress, because now you have to not only deal with it outside but you might have to fight about it at home. Right, so it's multilayered, but all of those things really work together to have a serious impact on the couple relationship impact on the couple relationship.
Speaker 1:So thinking about I know we mentioned earlier about like how one partner may have a stressor that is more salient than the other, and so we call this stress crossover right, when one partner's stress impacts the other person's mood or behavior.
Speaker 1:And so I say this all the time anxiety is contagious and I think stress is contagious too. If you walk in a room and somebody is stressed out, you're probably going to feel that, like you know, you have your nervous systems talking to each other and so this person is also going to feel that stress, and so you may be, you know, using your coping skills, like doing that self-care. But if your partner has, like a major life event and they're stressed out, that is definitely going to impact you too that that is so true, and sometimes we think about a spillover effect of stress right from one domain into another.
Speaker 2:So if you're stressed out at work and then you come home, you're irritable, you're not nice to communicate with, you're harsh. You take that your stress out on the people at home.
Speaker 1:Um so really stress in one domain of life can impact the couple seriously in psychology they call that displacement, right where it's like you're at work, your boss chews you out and you can't say anything to your boss. But you come home and you have this poor little partner happy to see you and they get chewed out because you couldn't respond to your boss. But you could definitely respond to this partner right. And so they get the displacement of the emotions that you were holding on to. And you know, that's one sign of like. Am I being burnt out or am I? You know, do I need to increase my self-care, self-regulation and be more mindful of you know what's happening in my relationship.
Speaker 2:I mean I'm glad you brought up that self-care and be mindful, because stress does reduce, like, your feeling of support and resources. Right, it depletes your emotional and mental bandwidth. You just, I mean, it's just like one more thing. I think that saying is the straw that broke the camel's back. The camel is already carrying a heavy load. They can't do one more thing. Yeah, um, so really, yeah, stress can add up.
Speaker 1:You know we call it, it's like add-on or there is a word for it, I can't think of it now but yeah, it multiplies, it compounds and over time so it does deplete you and you feel like you don't have the resources to deal with it and the important part here is that it's your bandwidth that's reduced, so you could be dealing with the same expectations and responsibilities, but you just can't because you don't have capacity you don't have capacity yeah, things you were doing before you can't do now, and so, without that clear communication, your partner is just seeing somebody that's lazy or somebody that is like no longer doing things they were doing before or they might feel neglected, right, because you're just so stressed out you can't show up for them anymore, and so it can build like resentment in the relationship.
Speaker 2:You're just like. You have reduced capacity, like I.
Speaker 1:I just can't do it right now you know um so because you're too stressed out yeah, and what happens when you know your partner is always constantly blaming stress on everything and their ability to care for you is reduced, like, everybody feels stressed, stressed out. I feel like stress is a universal rated e for everyone like, and everybody is stressed, and so how was your stress getting like, uh, acting as a barrier to doing things you were doing, when I'm stressed out and I'm still doing all these things? I can see how that causes resentment.
Speaker 2:I definitely can see it building resentment. But stress is also an opportunity for teamwork and for shared coping, because couples who frame stress as our problem they do better Thinking about dyadic coping um, they feel better and their satisfaction is higher and their stress gets reduced they're not right.
Speaker 1:I think they're not alone.
Speaker 2:You know shared load is a lightened load or something like that. I don't know if you have somebody sharing it with you. It just feels better and it feels easier. At the same time, you need to have the language to be able to share your stress and say it in a way that's not blaming the other person.
Speaker 2:I think we always keep going back to like, hey, effective communication really can help you. And having, you know, emotional support, feeling validated by your partner, which does reduce physiological stress response, yeah, um. Having strong friendships, um, you know, positivity and shared fun acts, as you know, they buffer stress. So, to have friends to have support network outside, um. And, of course, for those who have children, yeah, have good relationship with your kids, yeah, um, and your partner, um, because I do have, I think, a paper on depression.
Speaker 1:And those who have good relationship with their children and their partner, they have less stress, they're less stressed, um, so, yeah, so you're describing all these protective factors, right, that can kind of act as buffers to the stress that people face, and I think the first step, though, right, is acknowledging and having the insight and realizing hey, I am kind of stressed, right, my window of tolerance is shrinking, I'm unable to do things I was doing before, I'm a little bit more short with my kids, with my partner, and so now it's time for me to do something different. Yeah, perfect.
Speaker 2:That sounds great. So what are some takeaways Sam? Sounds great, so what are some takeaways, Sam?
Speaker 1:I think it's. You know, stress. Like I said, stress is inevitable. It's, it's always going to happen, and we live in a very, very stressed society, right, what Richard shows that, like, teenagers now have more stress than people who are in like asylees, right in like 60s or something like the stress that we face is so immense because the demands are so high. And so I think we should treat stress as something that is expected, so that we can have proactive measures and that we're not reacting to things after the fact. Yeah, and that's how couples adapt, right, well, they they expect to fail, they expect to struggle and they come together out the gate. They're on the same team. They're not just finding each other through the fog after you know, stuff hit the fan, yes, and so they encourage. We language. Right, we're in this together till death. Do us part. Whatever promise you've made to your partner, you're not like taking a detour and abandoning them at the gate, but you're really committed and you're intentional and you put in that effort.
Speaker 2:You know kind of imagine a world in which couples actually asked each other their stress level today, like what is your stress level? Today. What's stressing you out? You know what is. Some one thing if I did for you today, that would let lighten the load right or how would you like me to show up?
Speaker 2:we just don't do those things. Right to just recognize life is stressful, adulting is hard. Adulting is so hard, it's so hard, so to say. Especially if you've got kids, then it's extra hard. I mean like there was once upon a time when I did nothing but take care of my kids. For a year I almost lost all my hair, it's like it's a 24-hour thankless job.
Speaker 1:It's 24-7, yeah.
Speaker 2:I feel, I feel like the whole time I'm stressed out like 24-7. You know, somebody's trying to kill themselves, somebody's trying to break themselves. Yeah, toddlers are yeah, so it's so stressful yeah, and you just need somebody you'd like to say hey. On another level yeah, and you just need somebody you'd like to say, hey, how are you, what is your stress level today?
Speaker 1:and that also helps you get in the habit of checking in with yourself like how is my stress today?
Speaker 2:like you're not on autopilot or survival mode yeah, you're just not like waiting till the day ends. You know, so build, and I think to build that rituals for connection check-ins, to even say like hey, because if you didn't check in, you don't know when you had a very light stress day. Yeah, You're like you're not intentional, so you don't know. Like hey, today is not so bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're only focused on the toddler threw up everywhere and the dog wet the bed, and those are the only things that are coming up for you.
Speaker 1:but like when you actually check in, you're like, hey, only those two things happened today compared to last week yeah, so then you know, build that ritual, check in and see how you're feeling um yeah and like we said, you know how we talked about, how stress is inevitable, which means, yeah, even if you're under stress, right, protect your couple time, protect the time that you spend together, that you either whether it's I don't know, trivia night or date night, the stress will always be there. So, instead of waiting for the perfect moment or the right time, always, always, preserve that time and protect it because, like I said, you need to you know, uh, charge your batteries.
Speaker 2:You need to charge the couple system battery in order to continue functioning you know, I mean in our community we have many couples that are not together, like as in, they're married but you know, like they move different countries and stuff. Like hey, you shouldn't just call to talk to your children. Yeah, you should have time, couple time, even if you're away. Like hey, before I go to bed I'm going to talk to my wife, my husband, my partner, whomever, for like 30 minutes. This is us time. Tell me about you, how are you doing, how are you feeling? You know what has been bothering you and just listen to one another. Yeah, I mean that can help you. And, of course, build that support network community. Have a community you don't have to do it alone, no, you don't. Having a community I was involved in ECFE, which is early childhood family education. Not every state has that, apparently EA to Minnesota, so that that built community. That was really helpful. Right to be with other people to talk to about your stress, to share, um.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, do that as couples yeah, you don't have to fuck it out no, no, you do not have to do that right. It doesn't mean you failed as parents or you're lacking right. It just means that the world is just more demanding and stress is all around us and it's okay to ask for help. And the strongest couples are not the ones that thug it out right. They're the ones that face it together and work, come together as a single unit to tackle whatever it is that's ahead of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. And then thinking about you know, stress is not just between the couples or between us, it's all around us, right? So the strongest couples, we're swimming in it, literally. We're swimming in it, Literally we're swimming in it. And even if we're not, you know we're getting touched by. If it's raining so hard, even if you've got an umbrella, you're gonna get wet a little right? So, thinking about you don't have to eliminate the stress, you just have to face it together.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, thank you all for listening. Our next episode is going to talk a little bit more about kind of this type of stressors, but we're going to specifically talk about money and power. Let's talk about the finances.
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