For the Love of Facts
For the Love of Facts is a podcast where two therapists, Dr. Zamzam Dini and Dr. Kadija Mussa, unpack the truths behind love, relationships, and healing. In a world full of noise and myths, we bring culturally grounded, evidence-based conversations that center faith, connection, and care. No fluff—just facts.
For the Love of Facts
Beyond 50-50: Finding Financial Harmony in Relationships
Money shapes our relationships in profound ways that extend far beyond dollars and cents. When we partner with someone, we bring our entire financial history—the attitudes, fears, hopes, and habits formed through years of personal experience—into the relationship. One person's security blanket is another's golden handcuffs. Your need for spontaneous spending might trigger your partner's deepest financial anxieties.
This tension explains why financial conflicts consistently rank among the top predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. The emotional underpinnings of money discussions touch our fundamental needs for security, power, independence, and survival. When these needs feel threatened, even minor disagreements can escalate into existential battles. Yet most couples never move beyond surface-level money conversations to explore these deeper emotional currents.
True financial harmony doesn't mean splitting everything 50-50 or following someone else's prescribed system. It means creating transparency, practicing equity over equality, acknowledging invisible labor, and developing shared money values that respect both partners' priorities. The couples who thrive financially are those who communicate regularly about money (not just during crises), create systems that honor both security and freedom needs, and maintain flexibility as circumstances change. Most importantly, they recognize that respecting each other's financial priorities isn't about the dollar amount—it's about understanding what money represents in their partner's emotional landscape and creating space for both people to feel secure, valued, and empowered in the relationship.
Ready to transform your financial relationship? Start by scheduling regular money check-ins where you can explore not just numbers but the feelings, values, and stories behind them. Create spending allowances that give both partners autonomy without justification. And remember—the goal isn't perfect agreement but a shared commitment to building financial intimacy that strengthens rather than strains your connection.
Follow us on instagram @fortheloveoffacts!
Do you and your partner split bills 50-50? Does one person handle all the money? Who gets the final say on big decisions? Welcome to, for the Love of Facts.
Speaker 2:And this is the episode where we talk about money.
Speaker 1:Yes, we have to talk about money at some point, because it is one of the very top stressors and source of conflict for couples. Right, and I think we've been talking about the last few episodes about stress to relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it would be a disservice to not really talk about money within the context of stress and external factors that impact relationships.
Speaker 1:Well, let's just get into it. We already said it's one of the top sources of conflict. Why else is talking about money important in relationships?
Speaker 2:You know it's really, when we talk about money and finances, it's really beyond that.
Speaker 2:It's not just money that we're talking about. There is an emotional significance about money that we don't really acknowledge, right, money means things to different people depending on their lived experience. If somebody grew up very wealthy, right, money means differently than somebody who grew up struggling to feed themselves, and people respond to that experience differently, right? So, taking this person who grew up struggling to feed themselves, as they become an adult, one person can be more spendy with their money because money for them means freedom. Right, it means I am doing the things, I am buying the things that I couldn't when I was younger. That same person could respond to that differently, where money for them means safety and security. So now they're not spending anything at all, and so for them it's like I didn't have this growing up, and now that I do, I'm not. I'm going to make sure that I have it with me at all times, and so this same experience can show up differently, right, it can influence people differently even though they have the same experience. So, really, money is not just about money.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's, that's so true, Money is one of those things that has value attached to it, right, you know it's about security, independence, power, values and also status. I think we forget about the status. Like you said, our upbringing really makes a huge difference on the money. Scripts like how we view, how we talk about money in our heads, right, and so people have different relationships with money and others don't, and I think it's one of those conflicts that can predict divorce. Right, If you're, because it's insidious. Money is talked about every day. If you if on on like top of things that couples check in about the most, I think money is up there, Like, and if, especially when you don't have it it's a serious problem in a relationship.
Speaker 2:It's very stressful. Right, it's your livelihood and it's connected to somebody else's decision-making, and so there's a little bit of loss of autonomy there. If we're not working together right, that's where that friction comes in, because now my sense of safety and survival is at risk, and so now I'm going to respond as if my entire existence is at risk.
Speaker 1:Security. Right, it's not just like independence and all of that stuff yes, those are true but also about your sense of security, and that can get threatened on the daily basis, right? If you're struggling with money and you're trying to make first bills and then your partner, your wife or husband, goes and spends a few hundred bucks, then that's a serious situation for couples and it can threaten their whole safety, feeling of safety. So it's a very, very you can't stress how stressful money is for couples well, what do you think about this?
Speaker 2:like more recent debate around 50 50 and you know like some people are for some people are like what is the point? Like tell me more. Like what do you think about this?
Speaker 1:are you asking khadijah the researcher, the scholar, or like personally, right, because money is also one of those things, culture, but bringing it influences how you view money. And also, I think, like the religion, right, I think our religion especially specifically seriously influences how we look at money. Um, so I don't really think about like quality in money, but it's about fairness and equity, right? So, like, I think, when couples like I like just check up on what are the main things people are talking about in the news, when gabriel union said like they split 50 50, the world was in uproar and I think they're thinking about fairness, right, he has way more money. It's not that you shouldn't spend 50. 50 it's more of like who has more in a relationship. And so if I am making 50 000 a year and my husband makes $200,000 a year, how are we going to make 50-50 work bills?
Speaker 2:evenly and I'm like there's a difference between equality, which is 50 50, and equity right, which is based on the context you can't have, like it's not fair. Like, if you think about it from a justice stance of the, somebody who makes four hundred thousand dollars a year splitting the bills evenly with somebody who makes $60,000 a year, that's not equitable at all.
Speaker 1:No, and it doesn't sound like love, right? It does not sound like love right. Your partner should be like yo, babe, you should not spend more than 20% of your income because I got it. At the end of the day, I still end up saving way more than you ever will. So save some money. You also have security. Let's share in the security of our shared income. I think that's what I really think about when I think of 50-50. I generally just question it, because life is never 50-50. Life is give and take and balancing and finding what works for you. So yeah, and thinking about gender norms, I think, people in general and, of course, cultural influences on decision-making, 50-50 just feels big.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you know it's also about like we're not just looking at the work that this person is doing outside of the home, right, what is happening inside the home? How much effort are we putting into this relationship? You know that invisible labor that we talked about before. It's not just what is a dollar amount that enters this household, that enters this household. It's also about you know who is putting an effort for taking care of the home. Is that being taken into consideration? Who is managing the household? Right, the household is a business. It's management. You have to plan, you have to execute that plan, we have to consider, you know, things that go wrong. There's a lot of things that happen outside, inside the home that we take for granted.
Speaker 1:I mean most of the time, if you think about gender norms. The designated administrative I guess head of administrative task is the wife. Like for me, right. Like my husband won't even take the kids to the doctor's appointment until I make the appointment, like so he's nice, he's a good guy, he'll take them to their appointment, like he knows their doctor. But then I had to look at his schedule and make that appointment and like, send him a reminder or put it on his calendar You're taking so-and-so to the doctor today the doctor today.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you saw that video, but there was like this person going around and asking fathers what is your child's birthday, what is their teacher's name, what grade are they in? And none of the fathers could answer those basic questions. And then they asked the mom the same questions and they were like what is your daughter's best friend's name? And she was like like what is, what is their dentist? And she was like this is their clinic, this is the dentist's name, this is their birthday. Like, like this is their best friend's dog's pet's name. Like you know what I mean. And the dads were just standing there shook and I'm like how do you not know your child's birthday?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's that's. That's completely different, I think. But thankfully in our household my husband knows all of those things but at the same time I'm like the head secretary, or administrative assistant if you will, and that's a lot of time, that's a lot of headspace right Planning and juggling all of those and we don't really think about it, and that gives him free time to focus on his work and the picture shows that couples who have a shared decision-making process report higher satisfactions in their relationship higher satisfactions in their relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so for us that's okay, right, like I want you to have that free space, go do what you need to do work, and I'm just really good at it anyways, when it comes to the household stuff, because I've done it forever. So really, I think couples do need to think about and bring up those labor right, the household labor that is not seen as contributing, right. You say, like, hey, I contribute so much, this much amount, yeah, sounds like keeping account, but maybe in some situations you have to, especially if your partner is insisting on 50-50, then you might have to bring that up as part of the conversation also. Like, then, are we sharing the administrative task 50-50,? Then you might have to bring that up as part of the conversation also. Like then, are we sharing the administrative task 50-50?
Speaker 2:And we know like with money comes power. Right, you know there's a famous philosopher called Biggie Smalls and he said more money, more problems. So when people have more like money and you know finances, there's power that comes into it. And if somebody is making more money or somebody controls 100% of all the finances, then that creates a power imbalance and that is definitely helpful to relationships.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it creates a power imbalance and it can slowly erode trust in relationships because there comes financial infidelity, keeping secrets from your partner right like secretly spending things, and I think that's not healthy over time. So really to be transparent about how you spend money and agree on it I think ahead of time on like and just be honest about what you have going on and what you want to do right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because you know, when somebody is really controlling in terms of finances, then it pushes people to be secretive of their spending. And so now there's disagreements between are we saving or are we spending, or if somebody is okay with spending on things that they like or enjoy, and when their partner wants to spend on something they want to enjoy, now we're being wasteful. Right, and that, you know, really goes hand in hand with that power, imbalance in the relationship and, you know, often leads to other difficulties in the future as well I think that's something you touched on.
Speaker 1:So so very important is to not trivialize what your partner is spending money on, right like you are being wasteful. If I go and buy myself like nice shoes because, trust me, I have like a hundred shoes my husband would look at that and be like, are you kidding me One more shoes? You're so ridiculous. But that's mentally like. You have to make space to understand your partner, really know what is important to them, what makes them happy, right. So really, and I think that pushes into like having that transparency, financial transparency, which is linked to marital satisfaction Over time, you know, people who have financial transparency are more satisfied in their relationship and you don't have to feel ashamed, right for buying the things you like and it reminds me of like people will like, hide or not tell their partner about like huge amount of debts that they have when they get into a relationship or a marriage, and so that is also something to consider of.
Speaker 2:Like you have that transparency has to start from the early on, so that both people are consenting to write and have yeah, even your student loan amount.
Speaker 1:I need to know hey, we're getting married. What is your student loan balance?
Speaker 2:because that's going to take away from our monthly income yeah, yeah, and so transparency is not just about my spending, but it's also about, like my history, my financial portfolio. What does that look like?
Speaker 1:Yeah, what does that look like? Because I can you know, some like you brought up doctors. They can, their spending power is I mean, earning power is very big, right, they can earn lots of money, but then, at the same time, a huge chunk of that has to go to student loans. Yeah, same time, a huge chunk of that has to go to student loans. So I need to know what is your status, right? Like, are you coming in with 200? That's a huge difference from 500K, right? So we need to plan around all of that. So we need to know what are we dealing with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so what does that look like then? Right, like, and starting with, open communication, how are you regularly talking about money and finances, and not just when problems arise? Right, so you're being more proactive in your communication. You're both on the same page, you're both kind of aware of what's going on and you're making informed decisions so that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship that that is so true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my money check-ins need to happen regularly, but not every day. Some partners go crazy. They talk about money all the time constantly. Maybe make time for it. We should have like check-ins. Maybe we should do it weekly, monthly you get paid bi-weekly. Maybe do it bi-weekly right. Quarterly, yeah, or quarterly, but it cannot be an everyday conversation. That's too stressful and it raises people's blood pressure levels. So they have shared goals.
Speaker 1:I think about money, right, aligning budgeting with values. What are your values, what are my values? And can we compromise and come to you know, maybe even creating our own cohesive we language around money right, figuring out how are we as a couple, what is our culture in our household? Because, remember, we're also teaching our children. If they see us fighting about money all the time, then they're gonna be one of those people who grew up to feel insecure around money and so really thinking about that and adapting your roles and a circumstances change, right, sometimes one partner earns more, sometimes one partner doesn't really figuring it out and just, I think we continue emphasizing this like we language us versus the prop. So if money is an issue in our relationship, we got to find our identity around that and how we work on it yeah, take time to learn about your partner's story around money and finances.
Speaker 2:Right, you want to build in that empathy and shared understanding. So you know, okay, my partner was just laid off and I know this is how they are about money or this is like. It may kind of bring up some insecurities from their future for I mean from their past and so they may be a little bit more sensitive now about finances while they're looking for another job. And so how am I going to adjust myself? And maybe my questions are on money or questions about bills, or how do I, how do I talk about bills in a way that's not triggering? And so you're flexible in your approach, because you understand the context and the importance of the situation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, really thinking about that. You know it's funny. We brought up couples. My husband has always had a job for you know ever and he earns good money. But he's way more insecure around money and he grew up like wealthy compared to me and I'm like you've got it, you spend it until you don't have it anymore, and when you don't have it, I'm used to not having money anyways, so it doesn't matter. Right, when we have it, we have it.
Speaker 2:We don't have it, oh well, that's like just yeah, I mean honestly, I have couples that have that same dynamic too, like where they they understand that money is not guaranteed and so when they have the money, they want to enjoy, enjoy it themselves. And then you have the other partner who always had money but knows that, like, money is not guaranteed and so they want to hold on.
Speaker 1:You got to keep saving.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, Literally in the same household, and so we're like, well, how do we come to a compromise? What does this look like for you both? And you know it's like you, you have to learn another language. Look like for you both and you know it's like you.
Speaker 1:You have to learn another language in order to communicate about it. Just, it just means you've got to give me a spending amount, right, let me say, hey, this is your money. Go crazy. Just know when you're done with that. That's that right. You can't. And that works right. You just have to find out how can we do this, how can we build a we around this problem, and then, like I'm not going to ask how you spend your few hundred bucks.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You could have done whatever you want with it. And I'll be like good on you, Like your partner should celebrate you Because you're like I'm just going to go and get my nails done. And then your partner will be like finally great, Was that fun? Or like let me watch the kids. You go do that because I know you're spending a set amount of money. You're not going into our savings, You're not going into our everyday bill money. That's like set for you to do those things.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's not like you know, there's not a one size fits all, but it's about fairness and respect and how are you both showing up with empathy and finding, finding strategies that work for you both? And it doesn't have to be what your neighbors are doing, right, it's about what makes sense for your family and your situations.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think I cannot emphasize more what you just said. It's about like respect, and I think that's what matters the most. And also focusing on values, not just numbers. Right, I mean numbers keep going up and down, but your values are enduring, so figuring out a way to work around that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, like you said, you know, it's not about a couple of hundred bucks for some shoes. It's about, like you, having the financial freedom to buy shoes that make you feel good about yourself and, kind of, you know, leaning into that respect and empathy versus looking at the dollar amount. No-transcript Awesome. Thank you all for listening.
.JPG)
