For the Love of Facts
For the Love of Facts is a podcast where two therapists, Dr. Zamzam Dini and Dr. Kadija Mussa, unpack the truths behind love, relationships, and healing. In a world full of noise and myths, we bring culturally grounded, evidence-based conversations that center faith, connection, and care. No fluff—just facts.
For the Love of Facts
The Therapy Misconception: It's a Process, Not a Quick Fix
The profound disconnect between what people expect from therapy and what therapy actually delivers lies at the heart of this revealing conversation. When couples declare "we tried therapy and it didn't work" after just a few sessions, they fundamentally misunderstand the therapeutic process. Therapy isn't a prescription that immediately alleviates symptoms—it's more like physical therapy for relationships, requiring consistent practice beyond the weekly hour-long appointment.
Effective therapy creates a sacred, intimate space where people can reflect on patterns, learn communication skills, and gain deeper understanding of themselves and their partners. The therapists explain that meaningful change takes time, with research showing that successful couples therapy typically requires 12-20 sessions of consistent engagement. The outcome heavily depends on what clients bring to the therapeutic environment—their openness, willingness to be vulnerable, and commitment to practicing new behaviors between sessions.
Finding the right therapist is crucial, as the therapeutic connection accounts for over 70% of positive outcomes. While it's perfectly acceptable to "fire" a therapist who doesn't feel like a good fit, beware of using this as an excuse to avoid being challenged. The most transformative therapy often feels uncomfortable, even painful at times. When therapy gets difficult, that usually means it's working—not failing. Things typically get worse before they get better, as therapy doesn't create problems but rather reveals what was already there but perhaps avoided or ignored. If you've ever dismissed therapy as ineffective, consider what expectations you brought into the room and whether you gave the process enough time and effort to create meaningful change.
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one. Sam, how many times have you heard people say that we tried therapy and it didn't work, so we divorced? And I'm thinking like, what is therapy really supposed to do and why do people misunderstand it?
Speaker 2:Exactly Right. People really approach therapy as some kind of like quick fix Right. Like we go to the doctor, they prescribe us, we give them our symptoms, they prescribe us medication and our symptoms go away. People kind of treat therapy the same way they go to a therapist these are our problems, give a solution so that these problems go away. But that's not really how therapy works that is so true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have seen it and I asked that because I've heard it so many times. Right, so I try therapy. And some I haven't even heard people say like I went to therapy for three sessions that's what get out of here. I understand firing your therapist, but therapy altogether and like, oh, it didn't work. I was like okay.
Speaker 2:And like how do they know it didn't work right? Like, at what point do you like stop and realize therapy isn't working? Is it a number of sessions? Is it like a couple? Is it a number of sessions? Is it like a cup, like a number of weeks? Like how, how does this arbitrary kind of line get drawn on whether therapy is quote unquote working or not?
Speaker 1:I mean, I just think there is a serious misunderstanding. Right, because, to begin with, people come to therapy when they are in crisis, right? Or assume that people go to therapy when they're in crisis, so they would have needed help for so long, but they would just avoid it because they're like I'm okay, I'm handling it right.
Speaker 2:Their partner says we need to get a divorce, and then your next response is let's go to therapy.
Speaker 1:Let's go to therapy Right To save the marriage, and then they get that excuse of like oh, we tried everything Right, we were even in therapy.
Speaker 2:We even did therapy and it didn't work.
Speaker 1:Yeah, two possessions and it's just. This marriage wasn't meant to be, you know. So, yeah, and I think there's just really serious misunderstanding and one of the things I know in doing like to change the way somebody thinks. It can take up to a year right to like learn to think differently. I mean, we're not suggesting being in therapy for that long, but depending on what you're coming in for, right? So, yeah, I honestly think the outcome of therapy heavily depends on what the client brings into the therapeutic environment and how engaged they are and how open they are and how they are for change and the relationship they build with the therapist yeah, you get out of therapy what you put in, and so we're not just having, you know, attempting to have healthy conversations only in session, and then, when we're outside of session, we're still engaging the way we used to engage.
Speaker 2:Right, we're trying to practice what we talk about in therapy at home. We try to have those conversations together. We try to change how we interact. We're putting in effort that is consistent and constant and not just reserved for the therapeutic space. And so what does therapy really do?
Speaker 1:I think of it as like the physical therapy of one right Like, so I say this because I have loved ones who needed physical therapy and then you definitely see different outcomes based on what they do at home. Right, because you go to the therapist, they give you things to do, to think about, and then you come home and you're supposed to do those things on your own because you're with yourself more than you are with the therapist, which is once a week, right, yep, yep.
Speaker 2:So you don't do those things, then nothing really happens it's like, like you know personal trainer, like are you working out only when you're with your personal trainer or are you working out throughout the week by yourself until it's time to meet with them?
Speaker 1:yeah. So, yeah, I and I think we provide therapists, provide the space right, and then they ask pointed questions and try to get you to have insight to reflect on, like what are some patterns, how do I show up in relationships, right, so you really think about that and you reflect. And also we teach skills like just specifically saying like hey, this is where you're struggling and we're going to work on those things and we give you specific skills right on how to start a conversation. You say you know this and then when this person, we even role play with our but it's right how to communicate, yeah yeah, you practice how to communicate, so you do teach specific skills.
Speaker 2:Um, yeah, maybe you can add more to that and you know, I also think therapy helps couples and other people understand themselves. So we're helping them build what we call insight or awareness or knowledge, because you know, people sometimes engage like a very automatic autopilot level where people kind of are, you know, making assumptions about each other, and so we point those things out, we challenge those assumptions and we really try to help understand. So not only you know my partner does this thing, but when I'm in therapy I get to understand why my partner does this thing right, whether it's family history, whether it's, you know, personal kind of experiences from past relationships. We contextualize, we give them context and we give them opportunity to tell their story in a way that they probably haven't had the opportunity to before, and we shed light on things that they thought they've already known, but in a different way, kind of giving them a new lens and a new way to look at things, and that's been overnight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, with that awareness, it's supposed to come like a choice of okay, I'm going to do something different, right, like learning to stop yourself and say okay, this would have been my normal response, but since I've been in therapy, I learned to take a pause. Yeah, respond differently Because I want a different outcome.
Speaker 2:You notice a change in your life and how you respond, how you observe, how you react, and that's a process. Right, it's not. It's not an event, it's not something that you just pick up and take with you Like. It's something that you really have to kind of integrate into your life and meaningful change happens over time. Right, it doesn't. There's not a quick fix. There's no. You know, four sessions and you have a healthy marriage again. That's not how it works and you know the research shows that, on average, effective couples therapy lasts from 12 to 20 sessions, depending on, like, how, what model the therapist use. And that could be weekly sessions, right, where you're engaging in an hour every week for 20 weeks and you're consistent and you're doing the homework and you're working towards this relationship. And you're consistent and you're doing the homework and you're working towards this relationship and you're putting in all this effort during the entire time you're attending these sessions and not just only when you're in the session and I also think sometimes just people in general.
Speaker 1:They like to tick a box. Right, you're gonna say I tried this, I tried this, I tried this, and then like, therapy is one of the things they've tried, but not necessarily truly tried. Right, it requires openness, it requires true engagement. I even say to people this things get worse before they get better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, kind of going back to that physical therapy example. Right, like, when you're doing physical therapy, it's painful, it hurts, it doesn't, it's not the best feeling in the world, like, somebody is like and so. But right, when you don't do the physical therapy right, your condition may get worse, and so at the end of the physical therapy you have a healthier functioning and so it's kind of like that where couples therapy isn't supposed to be fun. It's not Disneyland. You may feel pain, it may be uncomfortable, you may want to avoid, because that's the avoidance is what got you here in the first place. And so going in there, preparing yourself with that mindset, is important, because you're going in there to do some work, right, you're not going in there to just have a conversation, because you can do that at a cafe.
Speaker 1:You don't need to pay a professional to do that no, you know, I have once assigned a couple who are stuck in this like negative feedback loop to write just like three things in a full week that they saw their partner doing that was positive, right, like they like something they appreciated, and they don't have to tell them, they just have to write it down. I have had people say like no, what, you have nothing all week. Nope, I saw them do nothing. Good it. It's like really.
Speaker 2:Nothing good all week.
Speaker 1:All week right and I'm like what do you mean? That did not happen.
Speaker 2:I would ask why are you with this person?
Speaker 1:Exactly. Yeah, why are you here if there is nothing good? But it's just that sometimes we get in therapy had who have one foot out the door and I think that's why, you know, dr harrison bill dordy created the discernment counseling for couples to try to help those who have one foot out the door. Yeah, they, they're not willing to engage, yeah, but they're here. And then the question comes up like so why are you here? She wants me here, but you're just a body. She could have just brought some doof off the street yeah, I mean, it's like therapy.
Speaker 2:Right didn't make you divorce, it just revealed the truth that you've been hiding or you've been avoiding you've been avoiding.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's just. Yeah. Sometimes I honestly think like what, what is going on and what is going through people's heads? Because, yeah, they come into therapy with not openness but with ultimatums, right, like if you don't go to therapy, we're going to divorced. Now I'm forced to just come in here and sit and give the poor therapist a hard time. Just, you're just there.
Speaker 2:Right. So yeah, and it's about setting realistic expectations, right, the therapist can provide, you know, strategies, give you a different way of looking at things. But without that practice outside of sessions, without kind of putting in the effort, like we said before in your relationship, it really doesn't go anywhere and it doesn't really create the lasting changes that you need in order to have a healthier relationship. And something I want to highlight is that you know you can use therapy for a lot of different reasons. Right, it's not just about we have problems.
Speaker 2:People can come to therapy for premarital counseling. We want to get married, we want to make this commitment to each other, but we want to make sure that we're on the same page. Like you said, other people can use therapy to decide, in discernment counseling, whether or not they want to stay together or if they want to get a divorce right, and so, thinking about therapy as a process, I want to come here and I want to process how I want to move forward with my life. And with that process comes kind of that effort, right, like I can't do that process for you. I can invite you to the space and I can give you the opportunity and set the stage for you, but I can't do the work for you.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, the work needs to happen with the clients and coming into therapy knowing that like, yeah, this is going to be some work and it's going to be difficult work, it's not going to be easy. So, thinking about you know we've talked a little bit about how the clients should show up to therapy, you know openness, willing to work, deal with some things they've not dealt with.
Speaker 2:Also, thinking about what should people look for in a therapist yeah, because I feel like we've we've been kind of scaring people in terms of therapy. So therapy works right. It's helpful after all after all, we said that but therapy I also want to kind of emphasize that it's about finding a good fit right, finding the right therapist, finding somebody that you know you connect well with, because therapy is about, you know, human connection. It's not like a software where, like, I use excel to get my work done right. Therapy is human to human connection and if you don't have that basic person to person connection, there's no way you're going to feel vulnerable enough or trust what this person is saying, which just shows that you know that therapeutic connection is like makes up for almost more than 70% of the positive outcomes for people in therapy.
Speaker 2:Finding somebody that kind of speaks to you, that you naturally trust, that you feel like, aligns well with your lived experiences. Finding somebody like that is more important than finding, like, the biggest expert right in the field. If you feel awkward or if you feel like this therapist is silently judging you like, there's no way this process is going to be helpful. And so if somebody doesn't feel like their therapist is a good fit, it's okay to find somebody else. But be mindful of don't use this as an excuse to like keep changing therapists every five sessions because they started challenging you right. Like you got to be real with yourself because at the end of the day, like I said, you get out of therapy what you put in, and that that integrity needs to be there for this to work yeah, in authenticity, right being being your full, authentic self in therapy.
Speaker 1:You know, sharing things you probably wouldn't otherwise. It's's a sacred space. That's how I look.
Speaker 2:Intimate process yeah.
Speaker 1:It's a very intimate sacred space. We're going to be super vulnerable. You're going to show someone your true self and you should feel validated in that process and also challenged at the same time. You wouldn't know those things by just reading somebody's bio but, like in good faith, I think you should do some homework, read about your therapist, if you can find stuff. If some of them offer consultation, right yeah, attend those consultations five checks goes a long way just do that.
Speaker 1:It's a I mean, this is a important process, so put in the little bit of work that is required. Talk to the person, say, like how do you do this? You definitely don't want to just be in therapy, also talking to yourself and like your therapist is just a warm body in the room, right? So skill matters and assess that. Look for a good therapist and if you feel like there has to be some sort of cultural congruence, try to find that too. They are there. There are people from all walks of life who do therapy. So find that too.
Speaker 2:It's important to you yeah, yeah, you're not stuck with the first therapist you find no, you can fire your therapist, feel free, but just don't fire the process right.
Speaker 1:And also, when it gets harder you said that, I think already like when it gets hard, that means it's working. Let's stick with it. You know things get harder and then they get better. So, yeah, stick with it, do the work, find a therapist you drive with. And just, I think one takeaway is that know that it's not a quick fix. I've had so many people come to me and say, can you just fix her or fix them? I'm like no, what kind of craziness is this?
Speaker 1:no, I cannot just fix your apartment you know I, I cannot tell them they are narcissistic. What kind of thing is this? Yeah, can you just tell him he's narcissistic and I'm like no can you just agree with me and prove my point?
Speaker 2:it's like no, and you need to stop, so yeah so, yeah, we want to kind of, you know, leave you with this reflection question of like if you've ever thought therapy didn't work for you, what expectations did you bring into the room? Awesome, thank you all for listening.
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