For the Love of Facts
For the Love of Facts is a podcast where two therapists, Dr. Zamzam Dini and Dr. Kadija Mussa, unpack the truths behind love, relationships, and healing. In a world full of noise and myths, we bring culturally grounded, evidence-based conversations that center faith, connection, and care. No fluff—just facts.
For the Love of Facts
Choosing Partners: Beyond Sparks to Shared Direction
Ever notice how we spend more time comparing restaurants than vetting the person we might build a life with? We pull back the curtain on compatibility—what actually keeps love steady once the spark cools—and trace the hidden forces that decide whether two people can thrive together over years, not weeks.
We start by separating attraction from alignment and unpack why early emotions, while real, make terrible pilots for life‑defining choices. From there, we walk through four pillars of compatibility. First, faith and spiritual values: not as a checkbox, but as the rhythm that shapes rituals, morality, conflict styles, holidays, and parenting. Second, culture and family systems: collectivist vs individualist norms, in‑law involvement, language at home, food, race, identity, and the social realities that follow an intercultural or interracial partnership. Third, money fit: the “money scripts” we inherit, how transparency prevents resentment, and how to negotiate extended family support, debt, wedding budgets, and daily spending without shame. Fourth, life direction and purpose: career ambition, family size, location, and time—all the practical architecture of a shared life—and how to plan for promotions, pivots, and seasons without blindsiding each other.
Along the way, we challenge common myths: compatibility isn’t about cloned personalities, matching hobbies, or endless agreement. It’s about a shared way of deciding, repairing, and moving forward. We offer therapist‑backed prompts to clarify non‑negotiables, identify the values you actually live, and test whether your partner’s long‑term goals nourish your emotional and spiritual needs. The takeaway is simple and hard: love doesn’t last because it’s perfect; it lasts because it’s rooted in values, forgiveness, and direction.
If this resonated, follow the show, share the episode with a friend who’s dating with intention, and leave a review telling us your top non‑negotiable—we’ll feature our favorites next week.
Follow us on instagram @fortheloveoffacts!
We spend more time comparing restaurants than thinking through who we marry. But what actually makes someone a good partner? Love, faith, values, or stability. Welcome to Love of the Facts, where today we will talk about compatibility in relationships. Khadija, start us off.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So we're not talking about just like checklists, dating checklists, but about being clear on what sustains love and not just things that spark it. So let's talk about it. How about attractions and emotions? What are your thoughts on that?
SPEAKER_01:You know, like there's this like myth of like follow your heart, right? Where it's like whatever, you know, wherever your heart leads you is where you should go. And so oftentimes, because of like the freshness of the relationship, like the excitement of meeting somebody new, starting something new, we honestly start leading with our emotions and we don't kind of think through our decisions, we don't kind of think about the future, we don't plan ahead. We're just following our vibes. And that is like almost detrimental to somebody who wants to start a lifelong commitment to something, right?
SPEAKER_00:That is so important when Change just said of yes, there is this prevailing notion that you have to like fall in love and you have to have this spark with the person. You know how people say love at first sight across the room? I am no no, that's attraction at first sight. You don't think about that person, you don't even know if they're married, or anything like if they're taken and not available. So all of those things just make it so that the most important decision of your life, like the most consequential decision in your life made without calculation, right?
SPEAKER_01:Like without things, and we're we're not saying like physical attraction is not important, right? But like hyper focusing on like chemistry and like if the vibe is right, like all of those things, you know, they fade over time. And if you are wanting to be in a lifelong commitment, you want to be together and enjoy each other's presence after marriage, if you don't have these like shared principles, these like you know, values that align, it's really hard to stay committed to the person because who you saw initially, like those rose-colored glasses come off eventually.
SPEAKER_00:And I think we should just touch on it a little bit is that you know, the attachment theorists will tell you you try to find somebody who will torment you the right way. All those things, right? Like your infanting, so your relational styles, even once you get into uh, you know, you get a sense of those things in the early days, and you try to recreate those things, so maybe you can redo them or fix them.
SPEAKER_01:Have you ever heard of the quote, like we repeat what we don't repair? Right? Where it's it's like not only are you repeating what you haven't repaired in your past relationships, but also like your family of origin patterns, too, of like examples that you've saw that maybe weren't the healthiest. Like, if we if you don't actively repair those things, they will be recreated in your romantic relate or and and current relationships.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I yeah, I mean, like, so I think you know, we can spend so much time going in depth into like all those things people need to fix with their life. Um meditate, you know, some retreat or something, have clarity, right? And and I have seen it like you see in a movie, Sam. People have this list and it has like 50 things, and matters is on it, and right, like, oh the man has to be six too. And I was like, okay, on the street that is six two, what else, right? Oh, it has to like the color red. What you know, it's just like the most random list you have ever seen in your life. Like all of those things, right? Sure, I think of them as bonuses, right? If these these are just icing on the cake, yeah, cake is fundamentally made with the wrong ingredients. Yeah, yeah. So then there's no point talking about like the icing. Yeah, there is no chocolate in this cake, yeah. Yes, no, I shouldn't make it that, but I'm just thinking there are fundamental values that in the excitement of coming of age, and the excitement of forming partnerships, relationships, you forget that the person you're entertaining right now could be the father of your children, the mother of your children, yeah, your lifelong mate. And those yeah, extras are great, but you're not thinking of them as potential like lifelong partners.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and you're not just marrying that individual, right? You're marrying into that family system, yeah. And so it's like so much more than this than the person standing in front of you. Yeah, so let's get into like actual like compatibility dimensions that people should look at when considering a potential mate. So the first one, faith and spiritual values. What do you think about that?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, you know, maybe this is where I get myself in trouble. There's that disclaimer. Yeah, and that's that's the disclaimer. I do not understand how you can be in an interfaith anything. I'm like at that point, you know, foundationally, if you're thinking of building a family, and if you're not dating with the idea of, okay, I'm gonna, I'm vetting this person, we're in the vetting stage of our relationship to build a family, then I don't I don't waste my time vetting people of other faith. Like, right, like it makes no sense. We don't have the fundamental understanding of the purpose of life. Like, why are we even doing this thing? So faith informs right our worldview, things, our moral compass, our family uh rituals, how we do conflicts.
SPEAKER_01:Um I mean, yes, yeah, it permeates every aspect of life, every aspect of life, and if you fundamentally don't align with just that basic standards of living, yeah, basic, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So if it's if that's not there, I I don't know how um, you know, some people say sure people thrive and enter faith relationships, um, maybe as long as they remain childless, right? Like, and I and at that point I question if you truly love the person.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, some some you know, couples aren't childless by choice, right?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I know, but I'm saying, like, you have to think about it, Sam. This is crazy. I think of it like this, right? I will be forever pestering my partner if they were not the same faith to become faith as me, right? Because I can't just love heaven for myself, right? Like you think about it, is it true?
SPEAKER_01:It's it's it goes beyond this dimension of life, right?
SPEAKER_00:It's beyond us being in this life together, right? Like partnership goes into the afterlife. So if you believe in that, if that's part of your belief system, um then I don't know how you're not tormented in that relationship if you truly love the other person.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I mean, you know, spirituality is like is deeply ingrained in how people kind of operate life, right? If you think about like how people pray, like what what role does prayer have? What types of holidays are you celebrating? If if your family cannot kind of align or agree with what holidays to celebrate, right? That's such like a fundamental thing that is recurring, it happens every year. And so, like, how are you compromising or are you having arguments every year about this? Right? Like, what you know, and then like you said, with children and parenting, now you have another human's life that you have to align with in how you like raise. And if the fundamental, like basic values are not aligned, it's really hard to kind of instill the values that you want in the child without having some kind of contradictory information or some friction, right? And that and to have that constantly come up is very dysfunctional for children.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah. Uh you'd be surprised once and that couples will this the client is my the child, is you know, now they're adult, but parents were often for kids, and the child said to me their parents will take them in secret to their own house of worship. Oh yeah, yeah, go behind each other's backs, like participate in religious so and the the child grew up, it was like I'm not gonna be part of one or the other. I'm just that's tough, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so considering like you know, faith and spiritual values is like one you know compatibility dimension. Number two, cultural and familial background.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, culture is it's one of those things you really have to pay attention to. I mean it dictates how people express emotions. You know, if you you are married to like I mean scout people, you can expect loudness, has nothing to do with anger, gender roles, right, and expectation of marriage, and how much family involved in your marriage, yeah. That's that's like a part of the culture, right? Like how much influence that family is going to have.
SPEAKER_01:So if you from if you come from like a collectivist family where everybody parents a child, right, where auntie has a say in what school they go to, and then your partner comes from like a like individualistic culture where only the nuclear family makes decisions, that's gonna be a very like abrupt shift, right? In like parenting expectations and family involvement. Because one person is like, well, your auntie is a stranger, like, why is she making this decision for our child? And the other person is like, that's our my auntie, she's like equal to my mother, and then like it's really you know, like the shared implicit family roles like are not aligned, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, in different ways, like some families they come from a culture that is pro-multi-generation household, and you or you are thinking you're married, you get your own little space. So if you haven't had that conversation, that can be a major surprise. And I think and culture is just one of those things that creates little arguments for couples, like little stressors, like not being able to eat the same food. That was fun when it was just you and another person, maybe each so cute, you'll be in the kitchen together, cooking together. Um, but you know, when people come over it, they will have comments about that.
SPEAKER_01:Or what about like if only one language is being spoken in the household, right? And the other partner's language is not being spoken at all.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so it's just it's it's a lot of issues, and of course, when you think about it, if you add race into that, and now that just not becomes something else, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Oh yeah, because you're not just marrying this partner who happens to be a different race, right? You're marrying into kind of the X experience of witnessing a person of color moving about in the world, right? Where, or maybe you're the one who is like marrying into somebody who is experiencing privilege, right? And this the vast differences in existence can be highlighted when you're constantly together and people treat you differently, or you know, taboo topics like politics and race come up, and different family systems have different assumptions about things, and now it's kind of bled into the relationship and how you both communicate about things, right? It can get really dicey really quick with just kind of the fundamental differences in experience.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and I mean, even like little things, you know, we have like this running joke of the stuff that's like a weak gene. I feel like I live in a house full of a bunch of white folks that that's my household, right? I'm like, yes, I am really brown, but you know, like so looking at me and then looking at my kids, you would never like that is happening, and then I have had some of the medical record as listed them as white. People did that, and I didn't even know until I checked it out later, but that just the experience of feeling diminished and you are just the expression of having your own children, right? Not look like you. Yeah, I don't know if some people are ready for that, like you don't imagine it, you know, like you always imagine your children being hybrid, they're never a hybrid, like they just take fully after the other parent. You don't love them any less, but at the same time, you're like society views them differently accordingly, yeah. You're like these people don't look nothing like me.
SPEAKER_01:And we're not saying like you can't be in an intercultural like relationship, we're just saying like you also have to have these conversations and expect these things to be part of the process, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Even like your own um idea of what you think that family is gonna look like, because in my case, like genetics played some sort of joke. Like in your head, you imagine these things look a certain way, and then you have to ask yourself, okay, what if it does it? Yeah, and just do it, like I said, do a little bit of meditation, so searching, um, and just unpack things, you know, turn the leaf, see what's under it, and people do thrive in these relationships.
SPEAKER_01:I think only those parents can't go in there like you know, not informed.
SPEAKER_00:Not informed, exactly. Don't don't go in it uninformed, like you're not gonna, you know, marry a certain culture and expect their mom to not be number one, right, in the relationship.
SPEAKER_01:It's just really every culture is different, so that's something very important to and and you know, research has shown that like biracial child children do have varying experiences depending on like their parents and how their parents have approached their racial identities. And some have had negative experiences and others have not. And so usually the parents who kind of act like their child is not of a racial color have perpetuated societal kind of interactions and systemic oppression with their own children without even realizing it. And so it's like we can't go into this relationship with like this notion of colorblindness, right? Or I just love my partner, like I don't care what culture they are, I don't care what race they are. Well, yes, like you love them despite all of that, but also like you have to be considerate of society does not care about your love. And so, how are you being intentional about how you show up in this relationship? And what responsibilities do you have as as a partner who is also committed to this relationship and and to your partner?
SPEAKER_00:Even in all of that, and be mindful of how some things can be weaponized against, right? Like, oh, you're ignorant to the culture, so I can be abusive and blame it on my culture. Like, oh, that's just what we do. No, that's not what they do, friend. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know, still maintain your own boundaries in that relationship, figure it out, you know, figure out how you're gonna make it work. I'm thinking about financial compatibility.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, talk about let's talk about the money.
SPEAKER_00:I I think we had a whole episode on money, yeah. But money is so informed by family structures, you know, again throwing back the cultural values in one of the things couples fight about the most. So it's not just number, it's emotional. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yep, and it's not just money, right? It's like wealth. And so that like wealth is kind of determined by family history, and so there's a certain culture that comes with a certain tax bracket. And so being mindful of all of these things and like having conversations around like what are people's like money scripts or like you know, narratives around money? Is it is money like a status symbol, or is it more about like security and safety? Is is money like an independent thing, or is it a shared resource across the family system? Right? Do you have somebody who saves more? Or are they like, do they enjoy spending, right? All of those things uh can have lasting implications on the relationship in the long run, right? If you expect your money to be only in your household, but your partner also wants to financially support their you know extended family members, right? Like, how are you going to negotiate that and have conversations around that? Because that is a like lifelong shift in that dynamic.
SPEAKER_00:You know, yeah, I mean, you brought up a lot of things, you know, and one thing I want to go back to is that that some individuals like who grew up in a certain cultural context will think of money as a shared resource, not just between the couple, but their extended family. Family, yeah, yeah. If they have it, they're gonna support their family. And then you're you're thinking you're taking away resources from our family, and then they will be like, no, I'm supporting our family.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you can see how that becomes a touchy subject, yeah, yep.
SPEAKER_00:And then now you're like, you don't want me to give money to my siblings, right? Yeah, you get into this fight of you know, so really having that transparency in talking about money, and of course, having matched priorities and how you manage money, that was really, really important. It's something not to uh take for granted, you know, which we tend to do in the early days of relationships. But again, we're just reminding people of dimensions of compatibility that they should be addressing before they get into a serious relationship.
SPEAKER_01:I want to emphasize what you said about like transparency, right? Like you should be talking about like what do we have any depth, right? Because that becomes your debt once you start, you know, once you marry this person. And so if if somebody, hopefully, like your partner's not hiding, but like this conversation should happen very explicitly so that the person is not gonna be like, Well, you didn't ask me about my debts, right? And just being like upfront about it and and normalizing talking about money so that it doesn't become like a taboo, like he who he who shall not be named kind of like person in the marriage. Like, you should be able to talk about money and finances and depth and be able to do that in a way that's like non-shaming, non-combative, and just like a regular conversation.
SPEAKER_00:Definitely. I think we cannot emphasize that enough. You really need to talk about money. Um agree on how much you spend on the wedding. Yeah, some people work so hard for their money and they don't want to spend all of it on the wedding, yeah. And they get pressured because they want to marry this person and then they start out the marriage with bitterness, yeah, and resentment. Yeah, because they spent so much money that one day. So really thinking about priorities on the endline.
SPEAKER_01:What about our the last uh compatibility dimension? Life direction and purpose.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I mean, you have to really think about those things, thinking about your career goals, your life, and you know, style expectations. Some people want to have children and not just want to have children, but they want to they have a certain number, right? And what does work-life balance look like? And also career ambition, right? How much work does one partner want to do? Okay, you have to really think about that, like, hey, you know, I understand you're at this like mid-career level when we meet, or say, you know, if you're lucky, you meet so young, you know, have that conversation. What does your ambition look like? Where are you? Because do I want to hitch my wagon to yours if you're trying to go so far? And I don't, I just want a simple life and I don't want a husband, you know, or a wife who works 80 hours a day. Yeah, I mean a week. So, like those are things you have to really talk and figure out and make sure they complement each other.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we're not saying like your life direction and purpose has to like be identical, right? Like when we talk about alignment or having like shared views, it's like, like you said, it's complementary, they complement each other. There's that explicit communication, everybody's on the same page, right? You're not kind of having these discussions around should I take this promotion or not, like five years into the marriage, when you know, you thought we should we're getting ready for a new baby, and this person is thinking about another promotion, right? And you guys are not even on the same continent in terms of like the life direction you want to take, right? These conversations should be having should be happening up front so that everybody is informed, everybody is aware. And if changes happen, right, like we're not we're not saying that's not gonna happen, but it should be in agreement with your partner, and you should all still be kind of on the same page with those things, too.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and yeah, I mean that that is true. Life throws whatever it throws at you, and you like you know, strong couples know to have how to pivot and redirect well, right? Because they have that communication and they have that us built into the relationship, so they can withstand those things, but thinking about what is what compatibility is not, it's not having the same personality and hobbies, right?
SPEAKER_01:Mm-hmm. You don't need a mini-me or a twin, right, to enjoy to be happy in your relationship. So what else is there not? It's also not agreeing on everything, right? Like we're not saying like be a yes man or a yes person, right? It's like it's okay to have opinions, it's okay to disagree just because you have different preferences, that does not mean you're not compatible.
SPEAKER_00:That that is so true. I can't say that in a you have to handle differences with respect and shared vision. What are some things we want to say to people from our training as therapists?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we want to say, like, you know, kind of reflect on some things around like what are your three non-negotiables in a relationship? What are things that you feel like they have to be there, or you know, the relationship is not like per like, you know, valuable? What values do you actually live by, not just talk by, talk about, right? Sometimes we have things that we say, like we say we want to be in an egalitarian relationship, but in reality, right, like we do something differently. So, what are values that you actually kind of integrate into your daily life? And then lastly, I would ask yourself like, do your partner's long-term goals align with your emotional and spiritual needs? Are you able to kind of see the connection between your partner's like goals and kind of your needs in the relationship? Yep.
SPEAKER_00:Yep, I think you summed that up really well. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, we just want to end with saying like love doesn't love doesn't last because it's perfect, right? It lasts because it's rooted in shared values, forgiveness, and direction.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Thank you. That's that's the final word.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, thank you all for listening.
.JPG)
