For the Love of Facts

Are Apps Helping Us Find Love Or Just Training Us To Treat People Like Data

• Zamzam Dini and Kadija Mussa • Season 1 • Episode 13

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Love might be a tap away, but does a wider pool mean deeper connection—or just endless scrolling? We pull back the curtain on online dating to explore how algorithms amplify our biases, why choice overload erodes serendipity, and how curated profiles can hide the very traits that make relationships work in real life. With candid stories and hard-won lessons, we talk about turning swipes into genuine connection without losing your standards or your sanity.

We get practical fast. You’ll hear how attachment styles affect your app experience, what “readiness” looks like before you start, and the simple boundary shifts that lower anxiety and boost clarity. We unpack red flags that show up right in bios, how to avoid objectifying people by data points, and why moving from chat to a call or coffee sooner protects you from idealizing a stranger. We also dig into culture and faith: setting intentions, asking purpose up front, and bringing supportive voices—family, friends, or mentors—into the vetting process so you see character beyond the profile.

If you’ve felt tired of starting over, tempted by endless options, or unsure what to ask when the spark hits, this conversation gives you a map. Define your non-negotiables. Keep one active conversation at a time for depth. Transition offline when there’s a spark and talk about values early: goals, money, family expectations, faith, boundaries, and conflict style. Technology doesn’t change the truth; it magnifies it. Use the tools, but let character, communication, and clarity lead the way. If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend, and leave a quick review to help more people date with intention.

Follow us on instagram @fortheloveoffacts!

SPEAKER_00:

We've gone from meeting through friends to meeting through algorithms. But is it helping us find love or just scroll anxiety? Does online dating actually make it easier to find a meaningful relationship or has it made love more transactional? Welcome to the for the love of facts. And today we will talk about online dating. Karija, what do you think about this? Nearly 30% of American adults have used a dating site or app. However, when we look at adults under 30, it's more than half. It's 53%. Is that shocking to you?

SPEAKER_01:

That is not shocking to me because I think I was just saying that in-person dating or like in-person trying to make connections, I feel like dropping generation by generation. And our the algorithm is getting better, right? Better and better at curating the things that you want. In some ways, it's conditioning you, right? Because you are in this positive feedback loop of things that don't disagree with you. So like you're correct. Right. Yeah. And I think uh it's it's changing a lot of things. I mean, I don't know, there are some good and bad, and I think we always go back to people just finding a way to be intentional and aware of what they're doing when they're doing it, right?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah, I I really do appreciate your comment about like this, you know, reinforcement of what you're looking for, like confirmation bias almost, where it's like you're in this kind of bubble where whatever you input is what you get, and you kind of lose like the spontaneity of like or the randomness of like meeting somebody that you wouldn't consider or you wouldn't, you know, think of as your type, quote unquote, like meeting the people that are outliers that are outside of kind of your expectations that you can have a like well-meaning connection with.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, that's that's so true. And I think there is, I feel like the misconception technology can expand love, and I think it can. Your pool can grow, right? Like if you're pool of potential mates, if you're meeting people spontaneously in like spaces and things like that, sure, that's one thing, but then if you open it up to online, definitely you can see just more yeah, you have access to more people, a few two thousands, and I think there has to be the choice overload, um then just really thinking about all of those people that you're meeting. Who is the algorithm matching to you?

SPEAKER_00:

Because it definitely doesn't know your values, it doesn't your vulnerabilities, your inside.

SPEAKER_01:

So you're really matching yourself to uh somebody else's profile, not to the person.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. You almost get reduced to like these data points, and like you lose the human like connection or the ability, even to like you know, use your intuition or to see if there's like any kind of connection, unless you know you take more initiative to like meet this person in person or FaceTime, because you can't even do you can't even do that like virtually, like you would have to go in person and kind of see if that connection is still there.

SPEAKER_01:

And I I think about how apps can also make you feel like you're in control, but I have said that before, maybe you're just being conditioned, not necessarily being in control, and also it can touch on your own anxiety of like missing out, or you know, just that dopamine overload, you keep going back to swiping, to checking like who has liked your yeah, yeah, like resending message, and you get that novelty and that instant validation, and at some point you have to think about oh, what does that even mean now if I get off and if I am find somebody? All of that.

SPEAKER_00:

And there feels to be some kind of like performative component of like you're only putting, you know, your best version of yourself online, right? You're you're presenting like your ideal self, the person that has everything handled, and it's less about the reality of things, right? Like what happened, like how do you show up when you are frustrated or tired, right? Like you don't get those opportunities that you would in in a more natural setting.

SPEAKER_01:

That's that's so true. Just really going back to that attachment anxiety, attachment style to be asking. I think that's real. You have to really think about that because if you're an anxious person, you might be more anxious, right? Yeah, so yeah, I just think that's something you have to think about, or even just like fear of rejection.

SPEAKER_00:

Like, what if people don't reach out to me? And so, like, maybe even lessening your like threshold, like lowering the threshold so that it doesn't, you don't feel like, you know, I'm not like nobody's connecting with me. I would rather just like talk to the first person that reaches out. And it turns to almost kind of like objectification, right? Where we just we look at like data points, like I said earlier, of like like what is their height, what is their race, do they have a degree, like what's their salary? Like we look at those things first, and then we decide whether we want to engage. And doing that backwards, right, versus like meeting the person first, then kind of getting to know them, it almost takes away the humanity of like that human core connection when we look at like data points first. Like it really does almost like you value, like you you measure the person's value before you choose to interact.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I mean, I I think you brought up something when you meet somebody first, you hear, you know, you see them obviously, and I think that shallow human assessment. And I think you have to do that because the relationships we're talking about, intimate relationships, you need to have that initial attraction, right? Yeah, so you do that, but then after that, that thing that comes up is some of their personality characteristics, how they say the things they say, you know. Back in the day, people are always saying that he made me laugh, or like yeah, so you you get to know these little sports that yeah, and then even before the salary, right?

SPEAKER_00:

You can go on three dates with somebody and not even know what they what they do, what they make.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, sometimes when people approach you and say, Hey, I'd like to get to know you, you literally don't know anything about them. You do know their race and how tall they are, and yeah, active nuts, but other than that, you don't know what degrees they have, what they make, um what kind of family they come from, right?

SPEAKER_00:

What are their values, like all of these things.

SPEAKER_01:

You do get to know those off paper. I that's what I call like off-paper, because in reviewing profiles you can heavily focus on on paper like qualification, yeah. Degrees do they have, what kind of profession you can then discern, you know, the potentials earning potential and things like that, but you've never really heard the person speak.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you know, you don't know if the way they laugh is gonna be annoying to you, but you don't know those little things that yeah, just standing in a line uh getting coffee, and then somebody, you know, is there or like do their do their mannerisms remind you of like somebody that's like a family member or an ex, right? Like all those things matter and they're very important.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, they are very important, but again, if we go back to people being, I mean, some of those things I don't think it's are bad if they're your deal breakers and you need somebody to make choose at a certain standard. That's okay, we should have those. Um human aspect of trying to be people.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, 100%. We're not saying don't have standards, don't have like preferences, right? Like all those things are important, and right, we don't want to reduce people or relationships to just those factors. Yeah, so how do you think like a culture or faith impacts like online love? I think it just depends on how people view it, right?

SPEAKER_01:

I could feel sometimes tahoo or even morally conflicting. I mean, to be honest, for us, we evaluate people for the potential of marriage, not dating per se. Yeah, so then when you get online, do people have the same value? Yeah, you're trying to get to know somebody because you know, some people are just like, I'm just looking for casual relationships, and you're like, get out of here then.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, don't waste my time, waste my time.

SPEAKER_01:

So, like the intentionality behind why you are meeting people that really matters, and and you have to assess that, right? That's I think the first thing you ask people, like, why are you on here?

SPEAKER_00:

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01:

Try to figure out what are they trying to do.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, what's your goal?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, what is your goal? Like, what are you trying to accomplish here? Are you trying to be married? Are you looking for a good time and you want to date people? If that's not your thing, you have you don't have to engage in that. And of course, there are cultural double standards, right? Yeah. Um, whereas women, you know, depending on which community you're from, uh, it has different kind of interests. Even if you are seeking um marriage, not necessarily trying to just have a good time.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, there's that tension between like traditional ways of meeting people, right? You may have cultures who engage in like, hey, I have a friend who has a son, right? Like, let's, you know, have dinner together, right? Kind of their maybe if it's it, maybe it's not even cultural, it's just generational, right? Of like, this is how we met people in the past. Because family is important, and you know, your parents probably want you to marry somebody that they know who the families are. Like, so there's a lot of different, I would say, alliances, right, or loyalties at play when we you when you're bringing families together. And so balancing that, like the traditional aspects of dating versus like the autonomy that you know modern dating gives, of like these two people really connect, and then they have the sole decision of their union, which is maybe a little bit different than some cultures where it's a family affair, right? And so you kind of have to balance those two.

SPEAKER_01:

That that is so true, and we can't say it enough times uh to bring intention and value into that space, yeah, and figuring out how do you get family members involved in that process. You know, for us, we it's so weird. I had an online account when I was trying to get married, but then I had my male relatives like my brother and have access to those, sort of doing that initial vetting process. Oh right, like you have to think about how do you bring that into them because it became so different once we moved to the United States of like families, just the community isn't as close as it used to be.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Yeah, like so and so are of similar age and marriageable, right? Like, like there isn't that like you know, community backing of like families that we kind of take for granted sometimes.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. It used to be that you know, marriages and couples, but it was highly facilitated by family and yeah, away from that, um thinking within your immediate family, if that's your intention, right? Voicing your intention of well, I'm trying to get married and then getting support, so figuring that out.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And then imagine kind of doing all of that by yourself, right? Where you're like doing the vetting, you're doing the kind of background checks, the connecting, but then you're also yourself trying to assess, is this person for me? Like, how am I in this space? Like, like it's a lot to hold on to or to manage. And then you get, you know, TikTok videos like who did I marry? Right, where people tell you these crazy stories, because you just simply don't have the bandwidth, right, to kind of properly vet or get to know people in a way that is intentional in long enough before you know you want to come together in union.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and I think Sam, you bring something up of like thinking about just people thinking about what healthy online dating looks like for them, right? And we always keep talking on the same point of self-awareness and self-checking, but also are you even ready? Yeah, yeah, in a serious relationship. Because if you're not, you're just looking for that external validation, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

It's a vulnerable place to be, really, just like to put yourself out there, like, here are my data points, right? This is my picture, like evaluate me, is what you're asking, right? And that can be a very vulnerable thing to do. And so if you're not kind of in that headspace or have that full awareness of like, okay, this is what I want to get out of this. You can really fall victim to people who honestly are just predatory, right? And just are there to have fun while you're there to find your lifelong partner, right? Like it doesn't, you know, match up. And sometimes it's you we don't want to, you know, you don't want to waste your time.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. So I think or get hurt. Yeah, that goes back to your own discernment and how you need to really be intentional in consume those data points and what decides for yourself, yeah, and not just be impulsive, right? Like, oh, somebody looks good and they write about themselves. I mean, some people just rat out themselves, right? Yes, I've seen those ridiculous profile pics of like a paragraph long, yeah, just like in about me, and you just see there are people that are just completely, you know, they're shallow in or in a partner, yeah. I have read back in the day like I am very fit man and I only consider fit people. And then I was like, What? What does that mean? Yeah, how do you even say this, right? Like if we had children and my body changed, now what, now what?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01:

So just these red flags of what people are saying about themselves, yeah. Trying to get an idea of the kind of individual you'll be dealing with. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's like it's those like emotional immaturity like moments that you could kind of pick up on in person. Because if they said that in front of you, you you would be like, mmm, but now right, you have to do the extra work of like going through the entire profile, like make like making sure that you don't see any obvious red flags, but then also try to do your due diligence and see, make sure that like you know, the the values are aligning as much as you can, because you know, at the end of the day, you can't you want to be crazy that I did when I was looking to get married. I would yes, I would love to hear.

SPEAKER_01:

Spoke to his brother. What his brother, I spoke to his dad, spoke to one of his friends.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god, I love this.

SPEAKER_01:

It's like a religious leader that knows him. It's just those people, people, and I had like questions. I had the list of questions I was asking them, you know, and I like reminded them they have to be truthful because this is for the purpose of vetting. Yeah, it's not back fighting because we are allowed to do that in our faith. Yeah, like yeah, you need to be truthful and you need to tell me everything about this person. I knew all of his vices thanks to talking to this friend.

SPEAKER_00:

Wow, that's amazing!

SPEAKER_01:

I knew, but then like what came out of our conversation was he is a very kind and giving man, like his makeup. And to this day, 12 years later, I still think those core values are true for him. Like that, that I knew, and then I said, you know what? I can deal with this type of person, yeah. Uh everything else, sure, whatever, but I can deal with him, and I knew going in, like either whether we worked out or we didn't work out that core valley of like, okay, he is very, very kind.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

They're like, he'll give me the shirt off his back. He's so generous. And I've come to find him. Yeah, my husband's very, very generous. He'll give me close and he has temper. They said he gets angry very soon. He sure does.

SPEAKER_00:

Masha'Allah's awesome.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, so yeah, just learning those things, making sure you talk to the loved ones too. Yeah, that's important.

SPEAKER_00:

And I and I think it goes back to kind of, you know, when we're talking about what healthy dating looks like, offline integration, right? Of like moving from the online space to real connection as soon as you can, right? Like you've you've talked to this person, you found a spark. Okay, now let's move to a in-person or like you know, connection so that we can continue building this and not just rely on our online versions of ourselves to continue building this this connection.

SPEAKER_01:

And I think to what you said is also having the real conversations early, right? Talking about meaning, goals, and things, then making sure your core values align.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And boundaries, right? Like it's it's easier to fall into like this bond with somebody who has shown you the best best versions of themselves. And now, right, you've created because you don't have a lot of details, you've created a version of themselves in your own mind. And so now you love this ideal, like curated version of them that you've created and not their like reality of like who they actually are, and and that could lead to trauma bonding or even emotional burnout, right? If you've if this is the fifth person that you've tried to connect with, like that can be exhausting, right? You don't want to keep starting over and over again, and and so it it leads to like taking a little bit more shortcuts.

SPEAKER_01:

That is that is so true. It's what we said of you do get exhausted and tired of doing two, so being sessional about how many people are you gonna engage. I always say one at a time. Yeah, if I'm talking to one person, I am not going to be messaging other people, yeah. Like I'm gonna focus my whole energy on this, and then if that doesn't pan out, then you can move on to the next one. But also that that requires you to be self-aware and say, like, okay, because otherwise you didn't give it your all, right? And it's also is then easy to say, yeah, I don't like this one thing, so I'm just gonna shut this and then on to the next one. Um you can be in that space for a very long time. Fall into cycles.

SPEAKER_00:

And yeah, and you know, we're not saying online dating like is bad, like you know, it's not inherently bad, but it just magnifies who we already are, and so if we're not careful about it, if we're not going in there informed with awareness, we can fall into kind of like I said, the ideal version of people that isn't that isn't the reality.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it's definitely not bad, it's just uh how you go about engaging in that process. Yeah, technology, like you said, doesn't change the truth. Yeah, and good relationships do require character and communication and clarity.

SPEAKER_00:

Awesome. Well, thank you so much for listening. We'll see you uh

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Kadija Mussa

Co-host
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Zamzam Dini

Co-host