Illness, Intuition & Imposter Syndrome with Psychic Medium Amie Balesky

Psychic Medium Amie Balesky is BACK with SIS to unpack disability, authenticity, old patterns, spiritual alignment, and how to stop comparing your pain, your pace, or your purpose to anyone else’s. PLUS- A little visitor from the other side :)

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Transcript

Season Two Gratitude And Setup

SPEAKER_01 0:13

We have reached season two. We have a whole year of the podcast behind us. And I just want to say I'm very overwhelmed and unwell in the absolute best way with all the love, messages, listens, support throughout the first year. And obviously, thank you to all the guests and everyone who was a part of the podcast throughout this year. And I couldn't have done it without the amazing guests and all the amazing help that I've had. Listen, y'all, I have been hoarding episodes. I have so many recorded. And this season I'm gonna start rolling them out. I want to get consistent, and the more I say it, the more I hope it just flows and ends up getting that way. You know that TikTok sound where it's like, she's back. That's how I feel about this episode. This shit is literally from July. We've had it recorded and sitting here for a very long time. I just haven't gotten a chance to get it edited. And I think this is a really good way to open up season two. And the conversation was definitely one I needed, and I hope that y'all can take something from it as well. In the spirit of releasing the backlog from The Shackles, Amy Beleski, it's so damn good to have her back. And with that, let's roll the tape.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Look what you've done here, little place. What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 1:37

I'm liking it. I love it. I just need to like

Consistency Struggles And Mindset Reframe

SPEAKER_01 1:41

the podcast. I love having the conversations. I love talking about it. I feel such a pull and a purpose towards it. It's getting the content out and it's getting like on the consistent schedule, and especially being ill and having flares, and then just getting into like the ADHD paralysis where you feel like you have too much to do, and so you just don't do anything. So I that's what I'm working on is getting more consistent with it. But it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

So you need to just change your mindset. That's all you have to do. Okay, so what's the mindset? The mindset is that this is your creation, this is your art, this is your life that you're creating in front of you and what you want in the future, and you're excited and it's gonna be great, and you're getting to share this with everybody. That's it. Instead of looking at it as work, which what we tend to do, you know, how many people want to say, Oh my god, I quit my job and I started a podcast? How many billions of people would love to say that? And so you get to not only have like the backdrop of having this disability, which I wish I was still gonna do in that. I was like, mm-mm, you know, um, but that's a whole nother story. But then you also get to have this on the side, which is really cool. So every single day when you feel like you're absolutely exhausted, I want you to go, you know what? It's really cool that I have this opportunity to do this and I'm creating this, and who knows where it's going to go and how big it's going to get. And then wake up and just do it. And I look at like all of my editing that I do all my own editing, I do all my own filming, I do all my own shooting everywhere except for like my big event that I had ahead of my um, I I fired or hired somebody to do that. But I am literally back to back by the minute with work and also being chronically ill, right? And so, but I look at it as, you know, I don't know how many years I have, and with every piece of content I put out, I inspire and enlighten new people. And so I look at it as painting a portrait. So I don't go through and I don't paint, even though I'd like to, I don't draw, I do play music, but essentially me going through and editing that, that is my art.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

How do you make sure you're keeping your content like aligned with what you're spiritually supposed to be doing?

SPEAKER_00 3:48

You just kind of I just kind of feel it. I it break that down a little bit. Break that question down a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

I think it comes down to like authenticity too, making sure you're being very authentic with what you're putting out because that's all I ever want to put out. But recently I've been struggling with not necessarily being authentic, but break that down. Well, here we go. Here we go. We've already started the podcast. There you go. It's a therapy session with a healer. Uh huh. So here we go. I when I came up with this idea when I started this, I was feeling very empowered. I was super like, okay,

Artful Editing And Purpose As Practice

SPEAKER_01 4:22

this is my life. I'm disabled. I have chronic illness. I'm coming to accept that. And I feel as though going through the past year, I feel like there's been a lot of different bumps in the road. I mean, being chronically ill, there's flares all the time. You're going through shit every single day. But I feel as though I kind of went back into a, I don't even know if it's called a mindset or just like an energetic feeling of not being able to accept it as much as I would like to be able to accept that I'm chronically ill and have a disability.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Oh no, it's just an inner work thing.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Yes. And it feels very icky in a sense of the podcast is about liberating your disability and being empowered and creating a community or furthering a community. And then to feel this way inside, it's like, well, I feel like a fraud.

unknown 5:17

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 5:18

Just pause and break that down for a second. Okay. So you don't have a chronic illness. You or whatever we are, you don't have it. Your machine, your corpse, that's carrying your body around, or carrying your soul around, just doesn't align with the norm of everybody else. So therefore, we're only chronically ill because we're comparing ourselves to what we believe is normal. Number one. Number two, so I want you to quit um like labeling yourself as that because your body has it, but you don't. And so when we say my I have it, I have it, that makes us automatically like, okay, there you go. I know, shut up. Um, sorry, there's there's spirits here. I have sessions in a little bit, but that's a whole nother thing. And it's probably your people too. So they're like, come on, quit your shit. I don't know if you saw my REM pod go off right now. But yeah, I think as soon as we start to label this as us, me, I, and we keep going with that, we kind of like dig ourselves into the trenches. Um, uh chronic illness affects my body, you know. This bendy weird thing affects my body, but it doesn't affect my soul. It does make it tired, you know, because you're lugging this corpse around. But my God, when you start to switch it into that perspective, then you're like, you know what? My body's tired today. Okay, maybe I'll relax. All right, we'll give it a break. Because

Authenticity, Labels, And Imposter Syndrome

SPEAKER_00 6:42

remember, from right now, even though it's chronically ill, you have a hundred percent success rate of surviving. Like you've drugged your corpse up to this point. Chill out. Why are we labeling and making it so heavy? And then why are we having this whole like imposter syndrome? You are everything, your entire universe. Like, you're everything.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

The imposter syndrome. I feel like I get out of it and then it just cycles right back in and it's another layer. And getting out of it.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Because that's your pattern.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

Yeah, so how do we break that shit?

SPEAKER_00 7:09

You you become aware of it and then you move away from it, and you don't get comfortable with going back into it. Give me a breakdown of what the beginning of this imposter syndrome is.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

It's it's more of like a well, I'm not good enough type of a thing. There's somebody that can do it better, or I'm not putting out the right message, or things like that.

SPEAKER_00 7:33

Okay, so again, you're comparing yourself to everybody else. So what I had to do personally is I had to put myself in a little box and I had to say, I'm not looking at anybody else at all. I'm only going to focus on what I'm doing, and I'm focusing it to be the most and authentic and best that it can possibly be. Because there is always going to be somebody that is better than you. And it may not be at this moment, but it will be in time, right? Because everything is a cycle. Lives, you know, how much you put into it. I mean, the whole thing, right? And then you die, but you're still amazing. But essentially, you can't think about that. You literally put blinders on and you like dive deep and you say, fuck everybody else. And so that's why when people come up to me and they're like, Well, what other mediums have you talked to? Or how many other books have you read? Or what what uh what classes have you taken? And I'm like, none, none. Because if I did, I would be mirroring my own experience off of that, and I would only be comparing myself to that, and therefore I wouldn't allow myself to expand because I'd be blocking myself only into that corner.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

Yeah, I mean, you're totally right. And that's the thing, like I'm a very aware of it, and it's just like a I know I need to get out of it, and it's frustrating because I was out of it and now we're back in it. And I feel like you're out of it. Is it gonna be a never-ending cycle though?

SPEAKER_00 8:52

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, pause. You're out of it right now. You just keep putting the label that you're in it. You can be out of it, it's just a mindset. You're out of it right now, and then you go through and you put the awareness and the belief that you're in it.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

What what were some of the things you struggled with when you first started putting out content? Can I give you the trippy story of that? Yeah, I would love it. Let's hear it. Let's get the T here.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

Okay, so you know, I've been doing this for forever. Obviously, it's my favorite thing in the entire world. I've been doing it for, you know, my ex-husband's military people and all that stuff, and in New Orleans and in Texas, but it was really kind of like more of a hush-hush thing, you know, for my my normal clients that were all by word of mouth that had my phone number or my email at that point. So then I ended up getting on TikTok randomly because my new husband's sister said, Oh, you're really funny. You should get on there and you know how to cook. And I was like, and she was 12. I was like, Okay, we'll get on there. So I started making videos and I didn't know what direction I was going. And so that's why I really love creating things: music, food, art, you know, channeling. It's all in spirit. So I started creating food videos. In the meantime, I'm also doing my mediumship. I think I made my first video in December of 2018, but it was just something stupid. It's like me just showing Christmas decorations or something. It was nothing. I didn't make my first serious video or like talking about um food until probably March or April, no, March of 2019. And then at that point, we had found out, you know, my dad's cancer had already been back. And essentially in that moment, I was like, okay, how am I coping with my dad's passing? Because it's coming up and it's coming up quickly. And so essentially I was still doing food. I was putting all that, like I said, I was doing my medium ship, but I never really talked about it. And the only really time I talked about it is once I got a thousand followers, I would go live and I would just sit there and cook at night by myself in my apartment and talk to, you know, 50 people that were on my live or 20 people that are on my live. And they would ask me, they'd be like, Well, what do you think about this theory? What do you think about life after death? I was like, Well, do you want me to tell you about it? Like, this is the stuff that I do. And so I just started started discussing it with them. Fast forward to October, my dad takes an absolute shit, like essentially on life support. He's at the end of his life, everybody's having a really hard time. And I started having almost like out-of-body experiences and like these downloads, it was weird. And I really started like pouring myself into like my spirituality even more because I figured out that that was really gonna be the only thing that gets me through this. It's not gonna be drugs, alcohol, food. It's gonna be diving deep and understanding what this is. And so October of that year of 2019, mind you, a long time ago, and you know this, I was read by Sylvia Brown on the Montel Williams show, like the OG of Psychic Mediums. And on that show, I have clips of it. She said, you know, you're gonna do this. And I was like, okay, great, sounds good. And essentially, I had this dream one night in October, and I had been really, really fighting with like, do I tell people about this? Because they are going to rake me over the coals. Because I think at that point I had like, I don't know, a hundred thousand. No, I had like 300,000 followers at that point. So I had like gained like that many in like two months. And I was like, man, they think I'm funny, they think I'm cool, I know they like it online, but they're just gonna destroy me. And this could destroy my entire career. Cause I already gotten published in Eater, Houston Food magazine. Like I had been um on the news already for this. Like, this is like a bad thing. So I had a dream one night, and I it was it was a visitation dream, but I was in all black and I was going into some mansion, I think, inside of Hollywood or Beverly Hills, because it felt very California. But when I walked in, I walked through the side hallway into like a back garden area with like the pretty cream color walls, and they had all these round tables set up with these white tents that go over each table, almost like something you would see in a wedding in Hollywood. And there's all these white chairs with like white silk, and there was this one guy, and there's people milling, and everybody's in really nice outfits, and I'm in black for some reason. And there's this one guy, don't know who he is, didn't see his face,

Blindfolding Comparison To Create Your Path

SPEAKER_00 13:02

but he says, Let me go ahead and escort you to your table. So I walk with him, I'm following him through the crowd, I go all the way around for some reason. And then he finds me and sits me at this table. This table probably has, I don't know, 12 seats to it. And when he shows up, he goes, You're gonna sit here. And when I go to sit down, there's Sylvia Brown two seats away from me on the corner, more to the left. And I was like, What are you doing here? And she just she's in white and she dead looks at me and she says, You know, you have to tell people like you're gonna do this. You need to. And I'm like, I don't want to. She was like, just do it. And I go, Okay, well, what how do I do it? How do I say it? She goes, Look me in the eye. And I went, and this is the trippy part. I wasn't on drugs, nothing like that. I looked her in the eye. And when I did, her left pupil got really big, and I went into it, and then I woke up. It was the oddest thing. It was like I got sucked into her eye. Yeah, and it was like, I don't know what that was. Maybe that was like the tunnel. I have no idea. And I woke up, it was like 5 30 in the morning, and I was like, okay, I have to do it. And so then that day after work, I came home and I made a video, and that video is still up. And I was like, by the way, this is what I do. Yeah. And did I lose some people? Yeah. But then after that, I started trying to figure out. And then dad died, you know, a month and a half later, and it which is fine, which is okay. And then I was able to connect with him and bring him forward, and that's really where the more logical obsession came in. So instead of like crystals and you know, incense and candles and all that stuff, it really went into like, okay, how can I connect and talk with my dad so that nobody else has to have this feeling that they're gone? That was my whole drive.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

That's it. So that moment is what drove you into doing what you're doing.

SPEAKER_00 14:54

Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean, because like I said, I had been doing it for forever, but I had been doing on a degree where it's like I'm feeling things, I'm understanding things, I'm getting things, and and it was amazing, but it really shifted it into turbo drive where nothing else mattered. And I mean, I went so hardcore, I got sick and I became anorexic. Like it was bad. I'm five foot eleven and I dropped down. Um, I think my lowest weight was 116 pounds. I looked gross. And it was because I was so intense with like feeling it. Like I'd forget to eat. It was an obsession. And then at some point I kind of was just like, okay, I can't go that hard. And I kind of let myself come back. Um, but during that time, I also figured out that it's not good to channel when you eat food. Really? If you just have a meal, yeah, you don't channel after you have a meal because your body is literally taking this physical item and it's burning it into energy. And so that's when I figured that out. So there was a reason for that to happen. And then later on, this is a other weird thing, two years later or three years later, oh my God, now that makes so much fucking sense now. I just had a eureka moment. Okay, so that was 2019, end of 2019. It was I think like late 2022. It was when I decided to cut cooking out of my content and then go straight all spiritual because I was getting really big. I was on shows with Bobby Flay, I was on talk shows, like I won ten thousand dollars on a cooking competition, cooking only vegan, and I don't cook vegan, I beat everybody else's ass. It was great. But at the same time, my learning how to talk to spirit is also all the way up here. You can't focus on two things at once if you want to be best at one of them. So at that point, this is where it gets weird. Because a cooking video that I would make, because all my recipes are long, uh, just to make a dish would usually take between six to eight hours, and then you edit it for another two. So over and I would only make three videos a week for food, and that is such a long time, right? Then I have sessions, then I'm having classes, and I'm having meditations, and then I also am chronically ill and having to be living my own life.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

Yeah, and how do you manage that energy? You know, like it's the whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 17:13

Yeah, I was dying. Like, and my husband was sh seeing it. He was like, You have to choose. And I'm like, I can't choose. Like, I have half my you know followers are here, half of my followers are here. What do I do? So I took like this deep meditative space, and I had this is the second thing, and now I'm like, okay, maybe Celia Brown is just with me all the time. I don't get it. So I woke up one morning and it was right after I had had this. Oh my god, should I do this? Should I do this? I woke up, my husband got up fucking early, it was stupid, like 5 30, so we can go like go to the gym or something stupid like that. We don't do that. And I I said goodbye and I went back to sleep. Within those like 20 minutes of me falling asleep, I had this dream. I heard her voice again, and she says, Connect with my son, he's losing his light. Number one, don't know he has a son, she has a son. Number two, how do I connect with him? What do I do? Is he gonna think I'm crazy? So at that point in time, at the same time, we were trying to develop my new website, and so I got up and my husband had just texted me. He says, go and find other mediums' websites that are really, really big and see and look how their websites are are done, right? So I'm Googling them, I'm looking at John Edwards, I'm looking at everybody like that. They're they're kind of like, eh, they're not that great. And so then I went through and I was like, I wonder if Sylvia Brown's

Sylvia Browne Dream And Coming Out Spiritually

SPEAKER_00 18:32

son does it. And he does. He's a medium. And I liked his website. It was fine, but it's not, it's not that big, it's not that grand. Ours has a lot of moving parts, and it said, contact us. And I clicked up there and I was like, hey, I know this is crazy, but I did this, blah, blah, blah. And I tell him what experience it. I said, This is my phone number, this is my follower count. I'm not nuts. You can look at all my stuff. I just gotta let you know. All right. The whole day, I don't think about it at all. And this is my sign, by the way. I don't think about it at all. I go through my entire day and I'm going live that evening before sessions, and I get a call from a random number in California, and I ignore it. And then it lives a voicemail. And on the voicemail, it says, Hey, this is uh, I don't remember his first name right now. It's just like, hey, this is Nick or this is Rick. I'm Sylvia Brown's son. Go ahead and give me a call back. And so I freaked out. Yeah, came back on live. Yeah. And I said, I have to go, I have to call him. I give him a call back and he says, I want to let you know that you're the sign that I needed. And I said, Why? He says, I just found out that my mother's family is trying to sue the estate and they are trying to put things on me. And he says, Amy, I I just feel like I should just commit suicide because I'm the only one here that's fighting for my mom.

SPEAKER_01 19:47

Oh no, I just got chilled.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Yeah, and her legacy. He goes, I I don't know what to do. He goes, That means so much. And I'm like, Thank you. And at that, that was a sign that said, Okay, it's cool. Go, let it go. And I did, and now we're here.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Life is wild, man. And it really tastes fun. It really is. Like, don't get me wrong, it is this. But yeah, it you gotta, you gotta embrace all of it. And that's really what I'm trying to tell myself. And I think, like, another thing, too, when it comes to like the imposter syndrome of where I'm currently at, I obviously chronically ill. You're gonna your day-to-day varies and you're never gonna be perfect. But I feel like I'm in a place where my flares are much less. So when I get into a place of feeling like I can do more, I can have more travel, more activities, more social outings. I feel as though I'm not disabled enough to be on disability. And that's like such a mind fuck to have because no, I am disabled, but I can do all these things. And then all these people that are wanting disability and need disability can't get on it. I I don't know. I get it. It's a weird feeling.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Yeah, I get it. So again, that just goes back into comparing yourself to others and their experiences to yours. So you don't need to. What is your neutral? What is your normal? What is, you know, what is that and how is it compared? Um, I would say, yeah, you deserve disability. I mean, you also have to remember that women have a very, very high pain tolerance compared to men, right? And everything like that. Uh-huh. And so one of the reasons also why you're adjusting, right? That's why I'm sitting here with my legs crossed all the way the entire time. So hypervisible of you. Yes. That's so I have I have my my one foot here, and then I have my other one completely behind my butt. Oh, you saw the toes on this side. Um, and it's because this is the only way that I sit this side. I said, well, I have sessions the entire time as well. But yeah, you start, you gotta stop comparing yourself.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

I don't know where this came from or like the energetic field of where I am right now because I wasn't in this for a long time.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

So I don't know It's a pattern that you slowly got into that you adopted, and now it has become your normal. And you can't expect yourself to just I mean, you can actually, but it just takes time, especially when you're not like you don't know how to push yourself out, or you're it's hard for you to accept it. All you have to do is two things. One, you just say, you know, I'm fine, I'm chronically ill, I have this. Like be very be very comfortable with just saying I'm on disability. I use it because my body is fucked up and that is okay. All right. Period. Done. Other people are sick. Absolutely. Okay, and they will get it in time, and if they do, they do, and if they don't, they don't. Right now, that is not your problem or your issue. That is theirs to have. And also you have to remember if you do care about that, you caring about that is not going to do anything for them. That's not being selfish. That's just saying now you're going and you're pushing your energy on something that cannot change anything. So now you need to conserve it. Okay. Then you're going, oh my God, I have these daily activities and I'm not as crippled as some. Do you duh duh, duh, absolutely. There are days where I feel like I'm just like clawing my nails into the floor and like dragging myself in here. And then there's other days where I'm like, boop-boo-boo, let's go and push the chicken coop. And then I go and I like fuck my backup for like three weeks. I can't even move, right? Or other times, I mean, I have my my little uh what do you call it, my handicap sign, right? And I use it on days that I don't feel very well, but I don't use it on days all the time because I also know that if I keep using it, that I will end up getting less muscle tone, um, less strength, and therefore I will get more sick.

SPEAKER_01 23:39

Yeah, there's that balance there. And it's all a learning process. Holy shit.

SPEAKER_00 23:44

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Don't worry about it. Now, the other thing too, um, I I did find hold on. Oh my god, why are we doing this right now? Hang on. What is that? Something just hit my brain. What is that? I was thinking about you last night. Maybe they're trying to bring that up. You know George is though for you, right? George? Yeah. Alive or dead?

SPEAKER_01 24:11

Not that I can think of at this moment.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

No, it's okay. This could be somebody I'm reading later, I'll have to see. But also at the same time, it's weird. Somebody they were talking about somebody on your mom's side last night, and nobody's died recently though, they're correct. Like in the last year.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Yeah, not two years.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Just two years, yeah, yeah.

unknown 24:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 24:29

But that goes more along with like older man, like grandfather, not necessarily like gotcha. Yeah. Okay, that may have been him. He may be Boob Oppiden. Hey Bob. Is you're the tore? Yeah, Bob. Oh, interesting. Oh, that may be why they brought that up. My uncle's names are Bob and George. Oh. Um that may be where that's coming from. That's the only Bob that I know. You didn't get a really I mean, you have this one right here, but you didn't get a really long tattoo, correct? Not yet. Okay, interesting. Not that. Somebody just went through and they yeah, somebody just went through and they showed me like, I don't even know what it's called. I don't think it's phases of the moon, but think about it as like a circle, a a half sphere, a circle, a line going down the center of it. Nothing on your back though at all, right? Tattoo-wise? Mm-hmm. No. Yeah, not yet. Okay. Maybe that's it though. Yeah, I think it may be something to come. It's weird. There's something that I think is gonna go between your shoulders, almost like a spine thing, but it's different. And it's not now, but maybe that's gonna be when you're in a really I mean you're in a good part of your life right now. Remember that. We always go, oh my god, I need to be in a good part. You are in a fucking good part. Stop comparing yourself to other parts. Maybe that's gonna be a big thing. I'll have to draw it out.

SPEAKER_01 25:49

This is just I I need to get another session. I'm I'm overdue. I need to book my ass up.

SPEAKER_00 25:55

Yeah, absolutely. Hold on, we'll figure it out. I'll help you with that. Hang on. What is that? That just looks like a stick figure. I don't even know how to draw this. You know how hard it is to draw like wavy lines in your brain that kind of form and then go away. Yeah, it's only black and white. It's not color, it's like a line thing. Because you would get only like minimalists though, correct? Yep. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Something to this degree, but not. Um, this may be a tattoo that you're gonna get in the future. I don't know, you probably can't see it, but like Oh yeah. I wonder, okay, this could be one of two things. This could be you later on when you decide and like you get into a really, really good space, and you're like, yeah, fuck yeah. And so that's kind of like a like a reminder. So I would even say maybe this is gonna be a deja vu type of thing later on. We'll just have to watch and wait. I don't feel you in the energy that you are right now. So maybe two years, maybe something like that. Um, so bigger, it's a good thing. It's a good thing. And then, or the other thing too, which I think it's gonna piggyback off of it, I can almost guarantee you that I'm going to also have a client that already has one similar to that, or just a phases of the moon tattoo, and they're having to put that in my brain, and I'll email you and let you know.

From Food Content To Full Spiritual Focus

SPEAKER_00 27:12

Yes. I will. Can I tell you what happened yesterday that was really weird? Please. Okay. So I went um, number one with being chronically ill and chronically sick. I also have because this is on brand for this. I also obviously had a total hysterectomy back when I was like 24 because of endometriosis adhesions, you know, all the bullshit that comes with it. And because of that, they immediately tried to put me on asteroidal, so like the female hormone for estrogen. Yeah. And when they did that, I felt insane. Like I wanted to commit suicide. It was terrible. So they're like, I was on it for probably two months and I looked at my doctor and I go, I'm not going to do it. I'm not, I just can't. And he goes, Okay, that's fine. So I rode out the metapausal wave for like a month because it kind of like shoots you into it right away. He hot flashes are terrible. But then after that, I felt great. Because I think that's also what kind of like helps me with my channeling or helped me with my channeling because I was so flat or like neutral. I don't have any of the waves or the cycles or the oh my god, I want to eat. I'm so sad. Like that whole thing. It's just eat, which is good. Um, but then about a year and a half ago, I went to my doctor and I got a little bone scan because I haven't had hormones and I have osteoporosis now at 36. So my bones are wearing away, and that's not good. And so they were like, You should really get on hormones. And I'm like, ah, and so, anyways, I found bioidentical hormone, not sponsored, and I have been getting it now for about well, since last October, and I I love it. It's amazing. Okay, so what is that? Okay, so essentially bioidentical hormone esteroidal, which which they normally give women, you take it in a pill form. It is um estrogen that is pulled out of horse piss. Okay, and it can also be just synthetic. And when you take a pill, 50% of that hormone gets diluted or destroyed because you're a stomach acid. So you're not really regulating it really well. You're kind of getting this whole dose and then it goes to shit. You got to take it again. So you're like this. So if you have Ellers Danlow syndrome, a lot of times you either metabolize drugs too quickly or you don't metabolize them well enough. Like there can sometimes be an issue. You know that. I have that as well. So essentially a biodential hormone is made from like human estrogen, like that's where it comes from. Okay. So essentially it comes in a tablet. Now, this is a weird thing, but they go through and you go into your doctor and they make an incision in your butt cheek, like higher up, and then they have this long metal that looks like a pencil, but a little bit thicker, and they shove it into your butt muscle by about that far, and then they put these pellets in, and then they pull it out, and then they sew you up, and you have to get that done every four months.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

Do they go in the same incision or do you have like more No?

SPEAKER_00 30:05

So you do it one after the other after the other after the other after the other. You know, this is the whole thing. When you have EDS, you don't heal very well, right? You get like cigarette paper scars, like that's that. So I'm on my um third round of it. I'm getting some cigarette paper scars in my butt, let me tell you that. But they're only about that big. And I got it done yesterday. So if you see me go like that, it's because my ass hurts. But going back to the other thing, essentially, um, it just kind of melts into your body instead of like hitting it, so it's a good consistency. So you don't have the all the crazy. So I love it, it's wonderful. But why am I talking about this? So let's merge it in the spirit. So yesterday I went into my appointment and I go into this little room. You know, they push me in this little room, and all it has is an exam table, has a TV on the wall, it has a little bitty desk, and that's about it. It's like uh an eight by eight space, a box, right? So, anyways, I'm sitting there, and this lady that I've never seen there comes in and she says, Oh, I'm the office coordinator. How are you doing? We also do, you know, facials and all this stuff. I'm like, I know, I go to a different lady, but um, I'm here to get my butt poked. And so she's sitting there, we're having a good conversation, and then all of a sudden, my nurse practitioner comes in and we're talking, and she goes, you know, I'm gonna double it because your hormones are still a little off. I said, sounds great. While she's sitting there, she's like, Okay, we're gonna lay down. So I'm laying down on my side. I'm like joking with them about drawing me like one of their French girls, just like funny to keep the light right. And they never have the TVs on because it's a very quiet spa atmosphere. So you don't turn the TVs on. I don't know what they have. I think it's there just to like show patients their charts or something. But then the woman, the new woman, she picks up the remote and she says, Well, I'm gonna turn the TV on, okay? And my nurse practitioner goes, Okay. And so she says, Hmm, what do we want to watch? She clicks on a show on Netflix about murder. And I was like, I was like, hmm, fitting. And anyways, they just looked at me because they don't know what I do. And so she turns it on and she's shoving this rod into my butt cheek. So I'm like, ah. And all of a sudden, while I'm laying there, the intro pops up and it says, Kathy and Brian murdered each other, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she goes, Okay, we're done. And I was like, all right. And I'm like, I said, I just want to let y'all know, you are my sign right now. There's gonna be something about murder with a Kathy and Brian that I'm going to read today. And they go, Why do you say that? I go, there is a reason why she came in here, there's a reason why she stayed, there's a reason why you turned on the TV, there's a reason why she chose that show, and there's a reason why I only heard that, and then you pulled that out of my ass, and then we're done, and you turned the TV off. And I said, Watch, right? Then I explained to them what I did. Took five minutes, I left out the door. I get to my third session of the day. I was channel for a lovely woman named Lucille, and then I was channeling for her son that had passed over because of drugs. Um, his name was Joseph. All of a sudden, Joseph pops in my brain and he says, Hey, you know, I was with you during your appointment. My mom also has osteoporosis. And I go, ma'am, I said, Do you have osteoporosis? She freaks out. She says, Yeah, I just got on the shots to try to make it go away and new hormones. I go, interesting. I said, Do y'all have do you know a Brian by chance? And it was her and her daughter, and they go, Oh my god. They go, Brian is her cousin, but it's like our brother. And he goes, they were best friends. And I said, Is there a Kathy involved? He goes, That's his wife. They just got a divorce. And I go, and then I go, Oh, they go, why? And I tell them the story of what happened. I said, Were their fights

Reading The Day’s Signs And Synchronicity

SPEAKER_00 33:52

like really bad? Did they almost like kill each other or something? And they go, Yeah, the cops were called out like multiple times. Like it almost happened, and that is why they ended up getting a divorce. And it just happened, like just happened.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

So, like when you really start paying attention to everything around you and really channeling and getting those signs, it's all connected. It's everywhere, it's everywhere.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

It's so reporting. Yes, yeah. And so I'll get those things all throughout the day. And so my whole day, I kind of I don't look at my phone. I kind of, you know, I'll be on the I mean, even if I'm on a phone call or something, like my attention will get drawn to something and I'll be like, hmm, I wonder why I saw buttercup lane. Weird. All right, we'll put that boop and then we'll keep going. And then when I have a session later, somebody will show up and they'll be like, buttercup lane. And I'm like, hmm, maybe this went with you, right? Like that.

SPEAKER_01 34:44

Yeah. Okay. So one thing that from our last episode, we were talking about how we chose this experience. Like our soul chose to come to this timeline, into this body, into this life. And a lot of feedback was like, why in the hell would I choose this? What why would you not? So, but like taking the lens back, what do you feel like is like the big purpose of being chronically ill in this lifetime?

SPEAKER_00 35:11

It's so different for every single person. Some people, it's to learn how to find your worth, learn how to find your value. Somehow, maybe it's to amend karma from like a past life. I mean, it could be that, you know, the person that you're with or the partner that you're with, they were chronically ill in the past life and you were really a cruel, mean bitch to them, not you, but whoever it is, right? And then guess what? This life, you're chronically ill, and now they're taking care of you, and so you're having to learn how to work together. That's probably a thing. Maybe you're with somebody and you've been with them for 15, 20 years and they've never taken care of you or helped you, and you just go and you keep dragging your corpse along, hoping for change. You don't need to. So now you're gonna have to learn on finding self-worth along with not being afraid of moving forward and not letting fear stop you, right? While you're doing this, while self-labeling, while also labeling yourself as like helpless, you're not helpless. I mean, even people that are only in a wheelchair are not helpless. I was in a wheelchair and I drug my corpse everywhere. Like, believe me. Some people are, right? If they're just like in a bed and they're stuck and they're on a trake, yes, obviously. Um, but even then, we still have some degree of a little bit of control. We look too close at the lens. We're not looking at the bigger picture. Within all this, there's balance, right? Within every life, there's balance. The universe is a mirror. So, whatever we're experiencing now, I always like to say that probably the reason why I have this is because probably I was a guy in my past life, and I was probably somebody like LeBron James, and I was swinging and banging and being a badass and like being just the absolute biggest dickhead. So now they said, you know what, you're gonna come in here, you're gonna sit down, you're gonna learn about God, and you're gonna shut up, and we're gonna keep the attitude, but now we're gonna make it to where you can't walk. Ha ha. And we're gonna make your vagina fall out. Fuck you. That's it.

SPEAKER_01 37:03

So there is the karmatic, the ancestral trauma, past lives, like that all plays a factor of being You are your ancestors. Expand on that.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

I mean, you are everything, you are every life. I am you, and you are me, or all facets facets of light being shown through the same diamond. But each light ray that comes through that facet of light, they all think that they are only themselves. They're not looking behind and realizing it all comes from one place.

SPEAKER_01 37:31

Have you noticed in your practice or just reading people out in the wild? Do chronically ill people have a certain pattern to them, a certain energetic to them?

SPEAKER_00 37:41

You can feel it. It feels like a low hum. You feel this, mmm. That's the best way I can describe it. But it's it's that note and that feeling, but internalized in me. Everything when I channel, everything feels like music.

SPEAKER_01 37:56

So does that mean we have like lower frequencies if it's like a lower frequency hum, or is that not related? So do we all have like a baseline of like we're energy?

SPEAKER_00 38:06

Yeah, every you have you have all of it. Just like a piano has every single key, right? And we choose to play which notes we want.

SPEAKER_01 38:14

Is there like a certain aura around people too? Like, do they all have the same aura or is it all different?

SPEAKER_00 38:19

I hate the fucking aura thing. Okay. Not from you, but like people are like, oh my god, my aura is purple. I don't give a damn. I can't see that shit. Everybody does have one. I mean, everybody has a vibration. Like, every this cup has a certain aura and frequency to it. That's why, because remember, break it down protons, neutrons, electron, quibs that are vibrating together inside of empty space, creating this vibration or this hum. That hum is a certain frequency. People seem to see these frequencies as colors because colors are also vibration and frequency. White is the highest, black is the absence of vibration and the lowest, essentially. So that's where colors come into play. So when people resonate this, it's constantly changing. And depending on your mood, you can feel that. But yes, everybody has a certain color, but every body has a certain vibration

Why Choose Hard Lives And Karmic Lessons

SPEAKER_00 39:12

and frequency. And then when you go around people that have a lower vibrational state, you will also sync up with them and lower your state as well. Versus also people that are in a higher vibrational state, you sync up with them and you raise as well. So like attracts like. It's cool. It's cool. When you start to break it down, you're just like, oh, we're just having like at this point, I'm just convinced that I'm sitting here or I'm floating here and I'm looking through this little, you know, body thing, and I'm watching a really good movie, but I also get to interact with it. And then I also get to interact with versions of me running around, and that's not an egotistical way. That's in like I'm learning about myself through other people because that's the only way that you can learn, right? Black would not understand what black is unless it's compared to white, right? So red, if it was only Around red, it would never understand what blue is, or it would never understand what red actually is unless it's around blue.

SPEAKER_01 40:06

Chronically ill people obviously they have a lot more of like a feeling. They just like feel more, I feel like. Do you think, do you feel, do you know, is the veil between this existence and like the spiritual realm is it do you feel like people can connect better when you're chronically ill?

SPEAKER_00 40:23

Uh I think if they if they get out of the lower vibrational state, which is woe is me, I can't do it. Everything is terrible. Why did this happen to me? I'm a bother. I just need to let myself go. As soon as they start getting out of that, then yes, of course they can. Now just remember with that too, if they are vibrating in that frequency, they will only attract spirits or entities or whatever else that vibrate at that frequency. So therefore, if you're having like this super sad, oh my god, nobody loves me, you're going to attract the spirit that probably committed suicide. Um, and you may see a lot of shadow figures. You may um get a lot of cold spots, you may be like weird. Why do I keep, you know, getting pulled to this guy's Jason, you know, that or why did I get, you know, go into this uh apartment where this guy committed suicide, you know, all these different things. Remember, you're attracted to that. And yeah, you can, you can because it makes you slow down and it kind of makes you go in your body and it makes you feel people that are their bodies are constantly healthy, they're only worried, oh my god, I hate this term. They're all into the simulation. No, I agree. Remember, real quick, look around you right now. Look around you right now. Okay, so all of this, you thought about it in your mind. It was a feeling at first, but you thought about it and you created it into reality, you manifested it in reality, you wanted it so bad, you put that into it so bad. It's here. Right? And we get frustrated because we go, oh my god, it's not happening now. Everything in this fucking universe takes fucking time. Everything takes time, okay? It takes time to take a piss, it takes time for like you to create your own dream. Okay, but you just have to keep that same vibration, that same frequency, that same want, that pure thought. And then what will happen is things start coming in that align with that.

SPEAKER_01 42:19

You're the creator of your own universe. You are exactly where you're supposed to be now. You can't, you you literally can't rush anything, you can't slow anything down. Like the universe is gonna put you exactly where you need to be. That's something I have to tell myself all the time. You're on the right timeline, you're on the right track, just keep going. And I think that that's like a good mantra to just to have. What do you think is like a good way for people to raise their vibration, raise their frequency, especially when you're feeling because they're like a little practice?

SPEAKER_00 42:46

Gratitude. You can just be laying in bed, doing nothing, not have showered for five days, and you can still be grateful that you're laying in that bed.

SPEAKER_01 42:55

I get into this thing of like when I'm feeling okay, I get into a I'm grateful that I'm not in the ER or being in a place where I can't walk. And I feel like that in a way is like backhanded.

SPEAKER_00 43:08

Like I shouldn't have to be it is, but it is you're pushing yourself back at the same time because we're used to doing that. We're used to having that guilt, we're used to having that feeling. So, and this is where you know, as you grow and as you understand things or as you more align yourself with like spirit or God or whatever we want to call it, you the only moment is now, right? You are who you are now, and so you have to be grateful for where you are at now. Now, yeah, that's it. That's it, you know. That's why when people go, well, well, tell me your story. Like, I don't even like to go, I mean, I do, but that's why when I talk about it, I talk about it rather quickly. Like, I'll talk about it, but I I go into a little bit of detail, but not a crazy amount. Maybe I should do that more. Yeah, maybe that's what I need to do with the book. But, anyways, but with that, because even then when I'm talking about it, it puts me back into that level to which I was then, and I'm on such a different level now, and I love that person, and I appreciate how I got there, and I appreciate what happened in the experience, but I don't have to sit in it. I can say that did happen, that's how I got here, and wow, it's cool to fucking be here. It's cool to fucking be here. There you go, there you go, good. So do you feel the that's your neutral?

SPEAKER_01 44:33

You got it. Like, this is great for me, but in hopes that other people can relate as well because yeah, I'm trying to be as th as authentic as possible, and it is hard sometimes when you have this pain and this body that gets to call the shots when like mentally you're somewhere else. Yeah, okay. So let it. Who cares?

SPEAKER_00 44:55

Stop trying to control it. Oh, the control, man. Yeah, like release. Yeah. Okay, hold you're what, 28 right now? 30. You're 30 now. Okay, oh my god. I met you in your 27 then. Yeah, didn't I? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. Okay. Yeah, so you're 30 now. 30's a cool year. I I I do feel like the good energy for the 30s. 30s are great. 30s are great. If somebody paid me a million bucks to go back to my 20s, I would I would choose death instead. I feel that. Yeah, I do not want to go back. No point. But with like that, I you're kind of in this transition phase. You are where I was at, because I'm six years older than you. You are where I was at six years ago, and that was uh, well, God, that was right when my dad died. So you're in that phase of finding out big transition and feeling, yeah,

Vibration, Auras, And Energy Hygiene

SPEAKER_00 45:51

uh-huh, and being comfortable with that. So remember, stop comparing yourself. We're all on different levels, we're all on different levels of understanding, and it's okay to just have a sick body. Let's real quick while we're here. Did you get affected by the fucking medication being cut? Did you hear about that shit? Okay, yeah, while we're here, let's talk about that. No, because I have a refill on Monday, and I'm gonna have to call them and be like, hey, do y'all have my medication that I've been taking for the last seven years? And they're gonna be like, Well, maybe. Well, what do you need?

SPEAKER_01 46:27

Like, what are we supposed to do?

SPEAKER_00 46:29

Nothing. It's because the crackheads are going and actually like taking it all, and then the DEA is like, oh, nobody's crying, because it's true, it's true. Sorry, crackheads, I love you too. We can all be spiritual. But, anyways, it yes, it's the people that are fucking it up for people that are chronically ill and actually need it. I had I had this one lady, a lot of you know, chronically ill people follow me, but this one lady, she's a cancer patient, and she asked me, she says, Amy, she says, they took my meds away. Like, I'm on like the last two months of my life. What do I do? And my doctor won't give me anything else, and it's because of all this DEA shit. Yeah, and everybody was just so okay with just being like, okay, it's gone. What? Do you know how bad that throws off people's lives?

SPEAKER_01 47:06

Like, that's your constant that's their lifeline, these medications, and then they're it's taken away. You're fucked, to say the least. Yeah. So a lot of chronically ill and disabled people right now, they're feeling very angry and very frustrated and very just heartbroken and sad. There's a lot of um unknown for the future, a lot of anxiety for the future in a spiritual way, right now, not to get like super political or anything, but pulling it out. What do you think is happening in this era of like political resistance and transformation? Why, like, why are we here being chronically ill at this time when all this shit is happening that affects us?

SPEAKER_00 47:52

I think with the political part of it, it's all the same across the board. Let me tell you, because I have a lot of clients up there. Everybody sleeps with one another, dates one another, all of that. Yes. There's nothing different. It's just a play on the outside for everybody so that they don't see what's going on behind the scenes. But I digress, you know. I I will never commit suicide, by the way. Um, we're just gonna put that there. But with like the the med things, it does need to be overhauled. We were paying too much for drug prices. I do like that. That's a good thing. And so hopefully that comes into play, especially with me not having insurance, because the insurance I was paying for was $2,900 a month, and I was still having to pay a hundred dollar copay, and I was still having to have a $20,000 deductible every time. And my medicine was more expensive with my insurance than it was without. And because I have this disability, I don't qualify for normal, like basic American healthcare. I have to get the gold standard one. I think that there are a lot of things that we don't know, especially me in that arena, like all the different strings, all the different billions of strings that are being pulled on the back end. I have no idea. I think that we did get new, let's especially talk about medication. They did get new people to make it. And so I know that's going to be coming out. Everything down the line does happen for the greater good. We just don't know exactly why it's happening. We just have to be okay with it. That's it. That's it. But I also think that the reason why that medication thing happened, and that was more of a company thing, instead of so much political. The DEA has been fucking us around for the last 20 years. It's not just one administration versus the other. They have been doing this since dare to keep a kid off drugs, right? But yet the United States government, four years ago and before, and before that, and before that, was working with cartel members to bring drugs across to traffic it to people. Like, literally, that was one of their things. So it's corruption all the way through.

SPEAKER_02 50:08

Right.

SPEAKER_00 50:08

So, okay, that's because I lived in Houston. Like I met the people that did that. I had friends that had their father's heads chopped off and their penises put in their mouths because they were part of the drug cartel and the coyotes down there. Like it's a real fucking thing. But essentially, I think now maybe things are shifting. Obviously, we don't understand it, but I also think this whole medication thing and dealing with this is here for a reason. And so it it makes us, instead of focusing just on our pain, it makes us focus on each other's pain so that we become one entity so we can make change in this way.

SPEAKER_01 50:43

It becomes like a collective energy for change. So many of us like mask and we just you know go through life without speaking up that we have a disability or whatever. When we start to unmask and start taking up space as this disabled, uh chronically ill collective energy in this time, like you said, it's gonna be changed. Do you have any kind of feeling of what kind of change it's gonna be, or we just don't know?

SPEAKER_00 51:08

I think this is like 50-50 here. I think that if you only know yourself as being chronically ill and what is wrong with your body, then you take away from the experience to which is your life and the beauty that is in it. So therefore, it's a fine balance between do we continue to push and say, I am chronically ill, you are making that become a part of your being. I am only this, I can only exist in this space. Where you can say, It sucks, I have a chronic illness, but you know, I'm doing the best I can. And, you know, maybe you're walking with your partner and they're walking ahead of you, be like, fuck off, I'm gonna go get a wheelchair, have a great day. So essentially, like you're learning how to find strength in this without making your illness essentially be your whole identity. Um, and I think in that we have to be very, very careful with that area of like going too far down. And and the only example I have on that is when I was really sick, right? So I was going through all my surgeries back to back to back to back to back. I was on all these different groups and forums and and knowledge and talking, Ellers Nelly Center Society, every Facebook group you can

Gratitude, Presence, And Raising Frequency

SPEAKER_00 52:11

possibly imagine, every email group you can possibly imagine. And those were only the people that I talked to, and they are absolutely phenomenal. But I ended up as I did it, I actually got more sick.

SPEAKER_01 52:22

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 52:23

It was weird. I started having more symptoms, I started having more uh experiences, I started having more um things happen to me. I started um being a little bit more neurotic of will things happen? Is this going to happen? Is this going to come true? Now that goes into manifestation. That's what I'm trying to figure out right now. And then when I finished my last surgery, I kind of told all my groups, I said, I love you, bye. I'm here to like help people if they need to get diagnosed because I get it, because that's all fucking shit show. That's why I really find my fire. Like I love doing that, um, and helping them like navigate the system of fuckery. But essentially after that, I kind of left. I kind of ignored that I had this illness, even though I know I did. And then for like two years, I had absolutely no issues. I mean, I still hurt. I had my pain, I had my wheelchair, but I didn't have like my abs spontaneously opening up and erupting. I didn't have my butthole like rocket out of my, you know, butt because I coughed, you know, I didn't have anything like that anymore. So I don't know, that goes in the manifestation, but I don't have like a verdict for that. It was just weird. And I've also talked to a lot of people that kind of experienced that same thing.

SPEAKER_01 53:38

Do do you think it's like a misalignment in your life, like shows up physically too?

SPEAKER_00 53:43

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Um, so like the misalignment. I mean, remember, you're you're always where you're supposed to be. But I remember when I got married to my first husband, we met, and I had always had chronic headaches. Like I cannot tell you how much Motron I took every single day when I was 18, 19 years old, and I met him when I was 19. I remember I would go, I would have like a nervous breakdown if I didn't have a bottle of Motron in my purse because I didn't know that I had chiarium malformation at that point. And so anything would set it off, but I didn't know what it was. Right. I had no idea. So essentially we got married, and when I got pregnant before that, about the year before that, I was getting more back pain, getting more hip pain, getting more knee pain, whereas before it didn't bother me. And I was like weird. And so I would go to the doctor and they'd be like, Oh, you're fine, nothing's wrong, you know, on base. I'm like, okay. And then I got pregnant and things really got bad, really, really bad. And then after I had my baby, that's when I had like 11 different surgeries within a year for endometriosis, adhesions, rectal prolapse, vaginal prolapse, bladder prolapse, doing it again, and another one, hemorrhoidectomy, I mean, you name it, everything, uh, hernias, um, internal, external, all of those. It was terrible. And even then, I wasn't diagnosed yet. But when I started getting sick, like in that area, like it was physical. My ex-husband was like, You don't really hurt. Nothing's wrong with you. Right. And I was like, literally, I have this diet. I remember coming home and showing him the paperwork and being like, I like my abs are legit ripped. Well, it doesn't look that bad. I don't know why they saw that.

SPEAKER_01 55:23

What is wrong with him?

SPEAKER_00 55:25

Oh, well, he was back. It's because his mother was um, where they're they think that they're chronically ill or they think that they're sick all the time. Hypochondriac. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 55:33

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 55:34

Okay, so she had bipolar disorder and she was a hypochondriac. So he dealt with that trauma of, I'm always sick, I'm always sick, but she's making herself sick the entire life. So got with me, thought, I guess to some level when he's in military, that that's what I'm doing too. And I'm like, I'm logically explaining everything to you. Got on a Facebook group for chiari malformation. You know how you see your face on there. I had a geneticist that was on the chiari malformation group that also had chiari malformation. And she was talking to me privately and she says, you know, I think you have Ellers Danless syndrome. You look like you do. I go, what is that? And she says, your eyes, how your nose is, your face, all of that. How she's like, I can tell your skin is doughy. You probably have classic. And I'm like, what? I remember sitting upstairs in my bathroom on the toilet, just what? And so I go and I look it up. And from the subcutaneous like tumors, like the fatty tumors that you get. So yes, because I have I call them my alien babies, um, like that to my feet, to like the dislocations, to my teeth. I mean, you name it the eye thing, the retina like dying, the whole thing, I was sitting there and it was like such an overwhelming feeling. And I'm like, what do I do with all this? And I look up and I'm like, he's never gonna believe me. And so I remember going out there and I said, I told him, I said, Trey, I said, I have Ellers Danlow syndrome. And he was like, No, you don't, stop, that's stupid. He did not support me at all. The next week I ended up going into, actually told me that I was crazy, like the whole nine yards, very verbally abusive, really good dad. Now we cope very well together. Yeah, yeah, everything's good. But essentially the next time uh or the next week I went into my primary care, I wrote down on a notepad all of my symptoms, all of my surgeries, everything that I had in comparison to this. And I said, Look, I think this is it. I even went through and I drew a body and I color-coded it with my pain and how intense it was and what it felt like and everything. Like I went with everything. And she goes, You know what? Let's send you to a geneticist. So they sent me to a geneticist. It was about six months later, and my husband took me with my kid, and we went in there. And as I walked in, he goes, Yeah, you have it, of course. He's like, You probably have Marfin

Medication Cuts, Systems, And Collective Change

SPEAKER_00 57:51

syndrome too. He goes, but let's go ahead and do the test. Come, come, come, come. He was over in New Orleans and he sits there and he's doing all the studies. He's like, We already know you have it. Go do a skin sample. And so he took me, he said, go do blood test. Pop back. Absolutely. And then from there, because that doctor in New Orleans sent the records over to um Keysler Air Force Base where we were living, then the geneticist, which is the largest geneticist place um for any Air Force base or any military establishment, is in Keysler. They called me and they go, Hey, we've never seen this in person. Do you want to come and be like our guinea pig? And I'm like, okay. And so, yeah. So I went over there and that's my double diagnosis. And they're like, we're gonna take you to Johns Hopkins so people can look at you because you have every single thing. And it's like to the max. So then I went to Johns Hopkins, and then I went to Mayo Clinic, and then I went to Cincinnati, and then all these people kept staring and poking and prodding at me. So then I got five diagnoses.

SPEAKER_01 58:50

Yeah. Did your husband believe you then?

SPEAKER_00 58:53

He did finally afterwards. But after all that, yeah, after all that, I don't know if I want to get it, maybe I'll get into this. He wasn't supportive. He told me my pain was fake because I had been normal the entire time. And I the thing that broke the camel's back is we were already on. I mean, we were sleeping in separate rooms, like it wasn't a thing. And I went in and I had my um carry malformation surgery. He didn't call me to check on me. He didn't say, How are you? Nothing like that. I was in surgery, post-surgery, nothing. He was playing his video game, and I ended up coming home and I was gonna go and heal at my mom's house. This is where the near-death, my third near-death experience comes in, but I'm not gonna go into that healing at my mom's house, and in anyways, the third near-death experience hits, and um, I end up finding out that the babysitter that was watching our son while he was at work was making dinner for them on Christmas in our house, using all of my stuff and staying over all the time.

SPEAKER_01 59:51

Uh huh.

SPEAKER_00 59:52

So, anyways, he swore that nothing happened. Oh my god, nothing ever happened. But after looking at phone records and Being on the phone for two, three hours every single night. I mean, my God.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:04

The receipts show differently, but okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:07

Yes, exactly. So I went home after healing, after three months of near-death experience. My dog died. You know, I'm gaining the use of my legs. I'm chronically ill. I just found out my husband, like that's the final straw that broke the camel's back. And then I also knew that I had five other surgeries I had to get done before I could leave. So I sat there and I had surgery after surgery after surgery. And I waited and I hoped that he would change. And it wouldn't, and it got worse and worse and worse. But I had to stay because that's what I had to do. And then I planned my date to leave, which was September 21st of 2016. And I told him, I said, We can get better. I'm leaving on this date. No, you're not, you're not leaving. You won't leave without me. You won't live without me. If you don't have insurance, you're gonna die. And I'm like, uh, I'm going to. It got closer. I packed a bag of clothes, put in my car, got closer, packed a bag of clothes, put in my car, got closer, packed a bag of clothes, packed my kids' clothes, put in the car. And then finally it was the 21st. It was that morning. I woke up. I said, Do you want to go to therapy? Ken, do you want to try to make this work? Amy, stop being stupid. Goes to work. I packed my stuff up. I grabbed my kid and I drive home to Texas. And that was it.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:21

Was that empowering?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:22

Like, was that very scary, terrifying? I left all my house, all my cars, all my furniture, everything that I built as a young woman, all the way up until 26 years of age, right? My whole family, everything to go back and start a brand new life.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:37

With the layer of just having these surgeries, all these diagnoses, like you're not feeling well either, and you're doing all this. And that's just like a testament to power.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:48

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So by the way, for anybody that's listening to this, just know that you can make it, you can do it. You do, you do deserve to be with somebody that loves you and cares about you and listens to you. And so now I like to joke that my second husband is like my exoskeleton. So where I can't, you know, do things or lift things, he comes up and he does it right behind me, right? He'll clean for me, he'll do all that, he'll fold my laundry. When I was throwing up because I was really sick, he would whack my face. Yes, they do exist.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:13

And that's great to hear. That's a great reminder for me and for everyone else who I mean, yeah, because the dating that's a whole other thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:20

Do you know what's great about being having Ellers Danlow syndrome?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:24

Tell me classic Eller's Dan Love Syndrome.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:26

Tell me what is great about it in dating is that everything is very supple and everything is very stretchy, which means everything goes back to normal quickly, and you don't get um, I didn't have any um stretch marks or anything from having a baby. So I when I pop back on the dating scene and I had had my my prolapses and they pulled everything up and everything was like tight, baby. I went out there and everybody's like, wow, you don't have any kids. And I'm like, absolutely not. And then it went from there because they don't need to know that I had a kid, right? That's not their thing. I'm dating, I'm seeing who it is. And if I like you and we stay long enough, then I'll introduce my son to you. But he doesn't need that type of psychological drama. But yeah, everything looks very normal and you're super squishy, which is great.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:13

We slay. Yeah, we slay. Absolutely, absolutely thank you for being here and thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk with me again. The conversations are always good. I need to, yeah, I need to get my ass a session.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:25

Okay, okay. So I love you. I love you.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:27

Go and enjoy your day.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:28

I will and give your dog a kiss for me and then email me and I'll tell my team to set something up. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:33

Thanks, Amy.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:34

Okay, I love you. Bye, baby.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:37

I am so excited for the season and all the guests that are gonna be on. We have some really good ones. Also, a lot of you are listening. I see you. Thank you. Love that for me. Um, but you're not hitting the subscribe button. So don't be scared. Hit that subscribe button so you know when the next episode is coming out. And make sure you're following Sick Eye Star Podcast on socials as well as the Beleski. Drink some water, take your meds, be nice to your body, and we'll see you next time.