Alcohol Nearly Cost Me My Family—This Is How I Stopped

Alcoholism doesn’t start with you—but it can end with you.

In this episode of Dudes Without Dads, Fred Sebring shares his raw story of growing up without a father, being surrounded by normalized drinking, and realizing later in life that alcohol had quietly become his coping mechanism. What followed was a breaking point—and a decision to end generational alcoholism for the sake of his wife, his kids, and his faith.

This conversation is for any man asking:

• Why do I drink when life gets hard?
• Is alcohol affecting my marriage or kids?
• How do I stop repeating what I grew up around?
• Is it possible to break generational cycles of addiction?

Fred opens up about:

• Growing up fatherless in a culture where alcohol was “normal”
• How drinking became a learned escape, not a choice
• The moment he realized his kids were watching everything
• Why white-knuckling sobriety didn’t work for him
• How prayer and fasting led to real, lasting freedom
• Why forgiveness plays a critical role in healing addiction
• What it means to be a man of integrity when no one taught you how

This episode is not about shame, labels, or pretending alcohol isn’t a problem. It’s about honest self-examination, personal responsibility, and choosing a different legacy.

If alcohol has been passed down in your family, this conversation will challenge you—and give you hope that change is possible.

🔑 Key Topics & Keywords (for YouTube + Buzzsprout SEO)

• breaking generational alcoholism
• men struggling with alcohol
• fatherless men and addiction
• Christian recovery from alcohol
• faith-based sobriety
• prayer and fasting testimony
• healing father wounds
• becoming the dad you never had
• alcohol and masculinity

👉 Take the Next Step

If you have a story of overcoming addiction, father wounds, or breaking destructive family cycles, apply to be a guest:
 https://dudeswithoutdadspodcast.com

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#AlcoholRecovery #BreakingGenerationalCycles #ChristianMen

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

That's what's driven all the change. Like when you look at me, and I'm sure you do this podcast, you know most of the statistics statistics about uh kids who grew up without a father in the home. Uh they're mind blowing, to be honest with you. Then you add in the fact that, you know, I was uh combat infantry, went to Iraq twice, uh, I got the PTSD rating with the with the VA, uh all that stuff. I should be a you know, I should be part of that statistic. I shouldn't be successful. I should be an alcoholic, I should be using like I have all the reasons to do that. You know what I mean? But something higher than me, something bigger than me, uh, and it's not just being a parent, you know, it's all come together to say, hey, there's a better way to do this, there's a better way to deal with things, and you can start setting the right example. You can break generational curses of alcoholism on both sides of your family uh when you have every reason to go hit the bottle.

SPEAKER_04 1:09

My life was just spyrolling downhill. Depression, alcoholism, incarceration, death by despair. One guy who showed up is just Jesus. If you can give a man clarity and community, he can start to live out his purpose.

SPEAKER_03 1:22

You can break generational curses of alcoholism.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Welcome to Dudes Without Dads, the show that trains men how to become the dads they never had. So tell me your name and a little bit about where you're from.

SPEAKER_03 1:37

My name is Fred Sebrin. Uh, originally born and raised in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Uh, but spent a little time in Baton Rouge for college, uh, then a little time in Texas when I was in the Army. And then uh, like I was telling you, lived in Nashville, outside of Nashville for a little bit, and now we're back in Texas.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Well, let's go back to the very beginning to early when you in your childhood. What did life look like for you as a child?

SPEAKER_03 2:08

So my parents were never I never grew up with a dad in the house, like period. It wasn't uh my parents were together and then got divorced. It was uh from my earliest memories, my dad wasn't in the house. Uh, I don't even know if they were together when I was born, type of deal. Uh, and there was, you know, some things that went on uh with between them. Um, but I'd say probably uh my earliest memories of men coming around were probably uh when I was in third grade. Um that's when my mom started seeing somebody who she eventually married uh and he adopted me and kind of did that whole thing for a few years, and then that fizzled out, and uh it was back to me, me and my mom again. So uh it was one of those things where um I kind of always felt like a package deal, you know what I mean? Like I come along with my mom type of deal. Uh and it wasn't necessarily like I was too young to say, like, well, this is my house, you know, I'm the man of the house. Or I it it wasn't never any of that. It was always I was craving a father figure. Uh it it more so just the feelings and everything that I had were uh you're only you're only uh taking me to play golf because my mom. You know what I mean? Like if I wasn't if my mom wasn't in the picture, you probably wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. And I feel like, you know, after divorce and everything, uh that kind of those feelings were kind of justified, you know what I mean? Like I was proven right, basically, because that side of the, you know, my my stepfamily basically I never saw them again. Uh so that's really what my my life was like as as a as I'm an only child um with no father, you know.

SPEAKER_00 4:12

Uh it's kind of kind of how it was. Have you ever had conversations with your mom about your dad?

SPEAKER_03 4:22

Uh yeah, more so with my grandmother. My grandmother is a very matter-of-fact type of person, um, especially when uh let me let me be careful what I say here because I don't want to the goal is not to make anybody look bad, but she enjoyed her adult beverages. Uh, and when that brought out a lot of truth or brought out a lot of matter of fact in her. Uh, and there was times where she was like, you know, you were a mistake, blah, blah, blah. And she didn't mean it from a bad way. You know, it was just like she was just telling me her truth, I guess. Uh, so I had more conversations with her, but I always tried to, when it came to my dad, I always tried to take a, you know, there's one side has their truth, the other side has their truth, and somewhere in the middle is probably what happened. I always tried to take that approach with it because uh I didn't want to, you know, I had the other side of the family telling me this is how my dad was and this is you know how he loved me and and all these other things, but I wasn't exposed to them as much as I was my mom's side, you know what I mean? So I felt like it wasn't fair to uh to his to him and his side to only get one side of the story. So I tried to, for the most part, I didn't really talk about it. I'm probably gonna talk about it more with you right now than I have with anybody, really, to be honest with you.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

So thank you for that. With your mom stepping in and being your main parent growing up, what kind of relationship did you guys have in childhood?

SPEAKER_03 6:13

So I would say that me and my mom probably had more of a brother-sister type of relationship. She's only 20 years older than me. Uh, and she grew up kind of, you know, we grew up together, uh, I tell a lot of people. Um, she was a full-time college student, uh, 21 hours working full-time, doing her thing, you know what I mean? And uh provided a pretty good life for me and her. Uh, she ended up becoming an insurance agent, which that kind of leans into my story. Um, but yeah, we were, it was more, I would say, brother-sister than it was mother-son. And she comes from a divorced family and all that. You didn't they had a blended family on her side, and it was, you know, seven brothers and sisters and all that type of stuff. Uh, so she had a little bit more exposure to the family stuff, but uh could have could have still fallen through, you know, the cracks and not really known what uh the family dynamic was supposed to supposed to look like.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

So you know, for you to come to the narrative of your relationship with mom was more like a a brother and sister. There had to be some events that took place in childhood that led you to this conclusion. Um can you remember why you kind of land here with this this this narrow?

SPEAKER_03 7:40

I'm not really sure, to be honest with you. Uh, I feel like she it was one of those things where uh she kind of took a hands-off approach with raising me. Um, wasn't very strict. Uh kind of a lot of times I would say she overcompensated for me not having a father. And it actually did a lot more harm uh for me than it than anything. Uh there wasn't many times that I didn't have the things I wanted. Uh definitely didn't have anything that I there wasn't anything I needed, you know what I mean? Uh that I didn't have. Um so it was more of a she was focused on her business, she was focused on her, you know, happiness and her relationship. And uh, I don't know. It was just uh it didn't feel like a parent just child type of thing, if that makes any sense. It was just always like that. Not one specific instance, you know.

SPEAKER_00 8:48

When did you first realize that not having a dad was actually affecting the way you were living?

SPEAKER_03 8:55

Uh this might sound crazy, but probably when I started having kids, uh probably in my 30s sometime, uh, I was a late bloomer in the sense of maturity and uh who I am today is not who I was probably even last year or two years ago, and for sure 10 years ago when I started, you know, having my first kid. Uh so I I would say that a lot of bad examples were set in my life. And what what I thought was normal as a 42-year-old now, I'm starting to look back and be like, ugh, this is not this is not normal. This is not how people live. Uh, this is not how I need to live, and this is not the example that I need to be setting for my kids going forward. So uh I'm still learning to this day, like the behaviors that I've seen uh and grew up. My grandmother tells this story, she'll probably kill me if I say this, but this is just, and I don't know if it's South Louisiana or what, uh, but there was a time we were out at their boathouse um and I saw my grandmother with a Coke and I asked her, Are we out of beer?

SPEAKER_01 10:18

Like that's how you know I grew up was just alcohol was a normal.

SPEAKER_03 10:27

Like it's it was actually weird if you weren't consuming alcohol type of thing. Uh, and now I've had to get to a point where uh I don't want my kids to see me if I do have a beer. You know what I mean? I try to set the right example from a health standpoint, from a you know, this is poison you're putting in your body type of standpoint, and from a this is just it's not the example I was setting earlier on in their lives was not the right example when it came to stuff like that. So I'm still learning, I'm still, you know, dealing with it. And uh I don't know. It I was taught as a way to escape and cope, you know what I mean, was to run to alcohol. And the deeper along I've gotten my faith uh on my faith walk, the more I've learned to go to the Lord instead of going to a bottle. You know what I mean? So it's kind of where I'm at now, man.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

This is your story, not mine, but the things that you're saying makes me want to jump in just for a second and share that I'm 47, we'll be 48 in the next month. And the older I get, the more is uncovered that my current realities of frustration are actually connected to my past lack of having a father figure. And I weep more now and more and more cognizant of the lack today than than I did yesterday. And so as you're healing and as you're going through, I just want to echo that it's okay, and as you continue to to journey, more and more is going to be uncovered because we learned that all the frustrations that we really have with our wife or our kids or what you name it really does life, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:24

Life in general.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

Yeah, it goes back to just the desire of having a dad who says, Hey, I love you, you matter, you're valuable. Um, how about you? Can you look back over your childhood or teenage years and see how the absence of a father kind of shaped your identity or confidence or choices? I want to thank you for taking time to listen to this story. And if there's something inside of here that is adding value to you, I want you to stop and hit subscribe. I am on mission to help men become the dads they never had. Many of us struggle with father wounds, addictions, identity issues, and really what we need is we need a model. We need to see people that have broken the patterns and come alongside of them. I want to simply invite you to join me on the journey. Every Thursday, we're gonna release a new episode. Each episode is gonna help you and others become the dads they never had. Hit subscribe and share with a friend. Now let's get back to the story.

SPEAKER_03 13:29

Yeah, I didn't have I didn't have the discipline uh or the disciplinary figure in my life. I was, you know, doing what I wanted when I wanted, uh running the roads, uh how I made it through life without any significant like uh trouble with the law is mind-blowing to me. Uh, very grateful for that. Um just I did like I just didn't have somebody to lay down the law, you know, and show me like here's the right way to do things, here's uh, you know, here's how you live, here's how you take care of your body, here's how you treat people, here's how you even being married, you know, uh, I'm having to learn like here's how to be a husband, here's how to be a father to a daughter. I got my first daughter, uh, I got three kids, two of them are boys, the two oldest ones are boys, and the last one's a uh little girl. And uh like I'm learning on the job, you know, every day I'm learning, and you hear it all the time, like there's no there's no instruction manual for parenting, and it's even harder in my opinion when you don't even have a reference point to begin with. Uh so um it's just one of those processes that uh I think when you when you start to get it and you start to understand like life and what's important and all those things, like it just naturally starts to click. And for me, it's my religion. Like that's what's driven all the change. Like when you look at me and I'm sure you do this podcast, you know most of the statistics statistics about uh kids who grew up without a father in the home. Uh they're mind blowing, to be honest with you. Then you add in the fact that you know I was uh combat infantry, went to Iraq twice, uh, I got the PTSD rating with the with the VA, uh all that stuff. I should be a you know, I should be part of that statistic. I shouldn't be successful, I should be an alcoholic, I should be using like I have all the reasons to do that. You know what I mean? But something higher than me, something bigger than me, and it's not just being a parent, you know, it's all come together to say, hey, there's a better way to do this, there's a better way to deal with things, and you can start setting the right example. You can break generational curses of alcoholism on both sides of your family uh when you have every reason to go hit the bottle, you know what I mean? Like, so for me, it's leaning on my faith and going even further. Like anybody looks at my Facebook stuff, my stories every day or you know, something Bible related, uh, it's just grown into who I am and not being, you know, just a normal member of society and understanding these things. And if I can figure this out for myself, then I start having the foundation that I can help build for our family and our kids and showing them like, hey, even if I would have had a dad uh in my life, like I don't know if the right things would have been taught to me. You know what I mean? I don't know if I would have figured this out. Uh if I would it almost might have done me more harm than than good.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

So it's hard to know what a man is supposed to look like or a father or a husband when the men that you looked up to as a kid weren't your father, but other uh influences when you were a teen looking at an identity to look for. Um, were there role models that you kind of mirrored your life after? And if so, who were they?

SPEAKER_03 17:27

Yeah, I'd say my uh so he wasn't really my biological grandfather. He was my step-grandfather, basically, but he was the one that lived in town. Uh, he's the one that I spent every weekend with. Uh, because my mom was either working, traveling, doing something. Um, but it would be my my my step-grandfather, basically. So uh he kind of set the stage for our whole family. Um on you know, my mom's side, uh they all became state farm agents. He was a state farm agent. Uh, and literally I have two uncles and my mom are all state farm agents. So they kind of he built the foundation that they all, you know, lived upon. But even as I grew older and you know, when I started college and all these things, like I remember having conversations with him before he died. And uh my mom was building a house and we were standing up in the house as they you know framed it in. And he was asking me what I was majoring in. And I I majored in criminal justice. Uh, I wanted to be a U.S. marshal or a homicide detective. And he was like, Well, you ain't gonna make any money, any money doing that. And that's what was important to him. And that's kind of how my that whole side of my family was, you know what I mean? Uh, whereas I'm a I don't want to be told where to live. I want to go find out where makes me happy. Uh, I don't want to do a job that makes me miserable. Like I just had to figure all this stuff out on my own. So he was my biggest role model in a sense, but fortunately for me, I was able to kind of understand what I wanted and not just follow every every lead that you know he kind of believed in and and and paved the way for.

SPEAKER_00 19:27

So I'm thankful that you had a grandfather to step in that role. I thought you were gonna say Tupac, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Trey, or some of those of my day. Um, what would you say were some of the bigger struggles as you look back, uh, you know, of not having a dad? Did you ever turn to any addictions or gangs or unhealthy relationships to cope?

SPEAKER_03 19:51

That's kind of Yeah, so like I was one of those uh I would say that probably alcohol was my uh my nemesis um to the point where, and I don't know like where that, you know, where that goes, or it it was just such a normal part of our life, like I go back to uh and it's like I said, I'm I'm I'm trying to break generational curses of alcoholism on both sides of my family, my mom's side and my dad's side. Uh that's probably what led to my dad's early death, to be honest with you.

SPEAKER_01 20:31

Um but I didn't know how to respect alcohol.

SPEAKER_03 20:37

I didn't know, you know, like it's just I can't I can't harp on it enough how normal it is here. You know what I mean? Here in the deep south, in Louisiana, like you're talking two-year-old birthday parties and there's ice chests full of beer, you know, like that's normal. Um it wasn't until I got to Nashville and I looked around at some of these, you know, parents on the basketball team, and I'm like, man, I can't imagine that guy behaving like some of the people I know back home, like just getting intoxicated, drunk out of their minds, and you know, dancing on tables, and like it was just such a kind of a reality check for me, you know. But the alcoholism and being miserable. So I created the insurance agency and pretty quickly realized I was miserable, regardless of how much money it made. And what I found myself doing was uh a lot of my job with the insurance agency was taking out, you know, referral partners, mortgage people, uh, realtors, doing after hour stuff, and it usually always involved alcohol. And uh then it became a like I'm just so miserable with what I'm doing on a day to day basis that. I'm basically drinking the pain away or the misery away. Uh so it's just I've never had anybody to, you know, set the right example with alcohol. Even the people that were in my life were probably not showing me the right way to deal with life, you know, the the the right way to say, hey, instead of instead of going to the beer, I'm gonna go to the Bible. That's what I needed. And once I found that, everything's changed for me. And now that's how I want my kids to see things. I don't want, I don't want my kids to see me not drinking and be like, oh, what's wrong with dad? You know what I mean? I would rather them see me occasionally have a beer and be like, oh, dad's, dad's, you know, I haven't seen him drink in a while. I haven't seen him have a beer in a while. And it's gotten to the point now where like I've started to understand it's not even about like the alcohol, it's about like the routine or like this is what I'm supposed to do when I'm socializing and all that. I've never had somebody show me, like, hey, you know, there's there's non-alcoholic beers out there that you can enjoy and you can socialize, and it's everything will be just normal. You won't get intoxicated, you won't like have all the effects and all that stuff. So, long story short, answer your question. Yeah, alcohol was probably my my uh addiction.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

Can you recall a time where you hit rock bottom and you realize that you weren't becoming the man that you desire to be?

SPEAKER_03 23:38

I feel like there's been more than one instance.

SPEAKER_01 23:42

Uh and um there's a time that uh I came home late from uh a work event.

SPEAKER_03 23:54

Uh and like when I opened the door, my wife was like standing at the door. And let me just tell you, it didn't go good uh for me. She basically went shopping the next day, uh, spent a bunch of money and made me deal with you know our two kids. One of them was a baby at the time, uh, very hungover, and it was just a miserable experience. Then I think she I think it was the same weekend. She was like, I'm gonna leave for the weekend and I'm gonna go to, you know, Lafayette, Louisiana, or wherever she went to college, and uh I'm taking the kids, and you're gonna see what it's like if you continue down this path. And I kind of was, you know, it was one of those eye openers where I was like, Well, I don't want to end up like this, so I definitely need to start making some changes. Um, but it took me a while because it was something that was bred into me since I like something I'd been doing since I was 15 years old. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't just something that I could fix overnight.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

So was there a time where everything changed?

SPEAKER_03 25:06

Yeah, I'd say uh I'd say for me, um when I started fasting and praying back in I want to say like 2022, that's kind of when everything really started to click for me. And uh I start every year with a 21-day fast. Um and this year I've noticed the bigger ch the biggest change, the biggest jump from in my faith and who I am as a person to a point where uh the things I've struggled with, like alcohol, almost disgust me at this point. Like I don't want to have anything to do do with it. I understand like I have a problem with it, not in a sense of I need to, and this might be like the classic alcoholism like talk, like I don't need to go to meetings or anything like that, but I didn't. Like I could go, I did one year, no beer one time, uh, made it seven seven months, and I the only reason I drank was because I had to get on a flight, and at that point in time flying wasn't my uh strong suit. So uh regardless, uh yeah, I um it's just one of those things that the deeper I've gotten into my faith, the more it's re it's revealed my weaknesses and revealed like the way that I truly want to start moving the directions that I want to go with my life. So uh surrendering a lot of things, surrendering alcohol, surrendering. Uh I'm a big LSU sports fan. Uh also love the Saints, but I realized like how much time being a fan of something else really consumes. Uh, and that time would be better off spent with the Lord or with my wife and kids, or you know, something like that. So just matter of fact, like a few weeks ago, I was like, you know what? I'm gonna give it all up. I'm gonna surrender my fandom uh to the Lord, and I'm just not going to involve myself with that type of stuff. So uh the things that I love, I'm willing to give up. And that's kind of when I started to realize like I'm turning the corner, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

You said that the catalyst for much of your change or transformational moments came from fasting and praying. What was the what was generating you, where did you start or why did you start fasting and praying?

SPEAKER_03 27:59

So I was at a uh a point in our uh house flipping business where uh the market started to change, interest rates started to go up. Uh it was almost at a crossroads, and I didn't know what to do because at that point, you know, we'd we'd sell a house, we'd replace it with two or three. Uh, we'd have, you know, eight to ten projects going on at a time, a lot of stress, a lot of notes, a lot of, you know, uh construction going on, everything that goes on with flipping one house multiplied by, you know, 10. So uh I met somebody and uh who introduced me to the idea of fasting and praying. And I was like, man, I need to do this and kind of just see, pray for confirmation of if I'm supposed to continue down this path. Because I feel like I'm headed for a heart attack at a young age with all the stress that this has been putting on me. And uh that's kind of where my fasting and praying journey started. Uh I didn't have a dad to show me this type of stuff. And uh now my kids, it's like a regular part of my life, you know, and I feel like one of the things that I'm proud of is they see me pray, they see me fasting and praying, they see me reading the Bible. Uh, I'm setting the example uh that I never had. And it's one of those things where I had to take my lumps in life, but also have an open mind, you know, to to something different. So uh that's kind of where I'm at.

SPEAKER_00 29:33

That's so good. And if if anybody's listening, you know, to this podcast, what a beautiful entry point or an invitation to just begin a season of prayer and fasting and and see where God leads that. I think it's it's powerful.

SPEAKER_03 29:49

I just got done. Uh, like I said, I start every year now with a 21-day prayer and fast. So I got done on January 21st. Uh, and I'm actually planning on starting another one. I'm just I'm at a point now where I I can't get close enough to God. Uh, so I'm like, you know what, March 1st, I'm starting it again. I'm gonna do another 21 days, and I don't pray for anything anymore as far as like confirmation or it's just all about getting closer. And I'm really in a season of showing my kids a different way to live life. I believe the society, you know, I believe society is the devil, to be honest with you. I think it's designed to get us further and further away from God. Uh, and if I keep or if I would have kept going down the path, you know, when you look at everything society tells you what is normal, go to college, you know, here's a mortgage, here's all these bills, here's where you have to be at this certain time, here's some alcohol to wash it all away, and you wake up and you do it again. And when I started realizing that, I was like, this isn't the life that I want to live, and this is not the life I want to show my kids how to live. So uh, yeah, man, I'm uh prayer and fasting is a big part of my life. And I I've had somebody actually do it with me, uh, who's going through some stuff, you know, relationship-wise. Uh actually in Franklin, uh, he saw me posting on Facebook and he was like, dude, I want to do this with you. And now he's, you know, posting Bible verses and scripture and things like that on on his Facebook. And it's really a beautiful thing to see.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

So for someone that's listening and wants to start, would you mind sharing the basics of fasting? A 21-day fast?

SPEAKER_03 31:48

So I just do uh basically fruits and vegetables for 21 days. It's anything that grows from the ground is fair game to me. And I don't get too crazy with it as far as like uh I if I if I eat a salad for lunch, I'll put dressing on it. But there's some people out there, I guess, that are just like, oh, it's it's not, you know, it is but it's basically to me, and you know, it's giving up stuff that you love for God. And that's where, you know, you start going, dude, I love steak. Who doesn't love a steak? You know what I mean? Like you start depriving yourself of this stuff that you love, and you're just naturally drawing closer uh through that process. And uh, if you've never experienced it, it's a uh it's almost one of those things like I can't describe it unless you go through it. Uh, because it's hard to eat, it's hard to eat vegetables and fruit for 21 days straight. You got to be committed. And uh like I make a deal with God, like I ain't backing out of that. You know what I mean? So uh I don't know. It's you just do it. That's I would recommend starting uh slowly and do maybe like a one-day fast and then two or three day fast and get your you know your feet under you and you can use to it. Uh but it's possible to do it 21 days straight out the gate.

SPEAKER_00 33:17

So and so if we got the fasting part down, what does our prayer time look like?

SPEAKER_03 33:22

I wake up every morning and I'm uh I'm a very I have to have a routine type of person. Um, so and I take things probably way, way too literally. Uh I'm a you know, big believer in the the first of everything goes to the Lord. Uh so first of the income, first of my time of my day, first that's why I do the first of the year uh with my fast. It's I give the first of everything. So uh I try to make sure before I grab my phone, because I feel like the phone is an idle type of deal uh in the morning, that I spend some time uh in prayer. Uh some days I'll I'll say nothing, some days I'll talk, some days will be full of thanks, some days will be full of praise. I let it kind of uh uh I let it kind of take me, you know, where where it wants to go. Uh a lot of I think the U Version Bible app, if somebody wants to get into, you know, this type of stuff is a tremendous resource. Um, they got day, they got Bible plans, they got 21-day fast plans, they've got read the Bible in a year plans, uh, the daily refresh stuff. It's an amazing thing. Uh so that's kind of what my day looks like. And then it's really the prayer part is so critical because if you're not praying when you're doing the fast, you're basically just starving yourself. Uh is the way I look at it. Like you're doing this for a reason, you know. So it's you're everything's clear to me during a fast, especially when you get to week two. Uh like you that's when the momentum starts to pick up and you just feel so like in touch with you know, God and uh all that type of stuff. What I've been working on is actually studying the word a lot more. Uh, because that's just man, it's like you almost meet need a a degree and uh to read to read it and understand. It's not just reading it to check a box, and I feel like that's where a lot of people and I that's where I wanted to make sure my kids didn't didn't learn was like I don't want to go to church and just check that box like you know I did that this week. It's or read the Bible and check that box, it's read it to understand it, study it, uh, and and know like we were given this. Like let's let's learn it. So that's what I'm working on now is uh really reading and and and studying the the word.

SPEAKER_00 36:09

So where would you be right now if you would have never started fasting and praying?

SPEAKER_03 36:20

Might be divorced, might be uh I I'd be a lot more miserable than I am right now. Like I'm not I'm happy, like in 42 years on this earth, I don't know of a happier time in my life. You know what I mean? Uh there's uh we live a great life, um, we're all healthy. Um business is great, everything is you know, it it's you it when you get to this point, you're almost like, when's something gonna go wrong? type of deal. You know what I mean? Like it's not supposed to be like this. Uh but fasting and praying has prepared me for when something goes wrong, when something's not perfect. And for me, a lot of it too is now I'm extra what's the word? Now I'm more cognizant about everything. And I think it's easy to go to God whenever things are going bad, but when everything's going good, people kind of just forget about, you know, and they just go on with their life, they get consumed with society. And uh for me, it's been now I want to make an extra emphasis when things are going good to you know continue to build my faith, continue to pour into him. And uh that's where I'm at.

SPEAKER_00 37:43

If you could speak speak into a man's life, a young man's life who grew up in a similar situation you did, what would you speak into their lives?

SPEAKER_03 37:52

I would say that the biggest thing that I struggle when it comes to my dad. So my dad didn't know that I was even in the army until probably two weeks before I deployed my first time. And then I got a call one time, uh, one night we were out uh staying at an Iraqi army base, just about 30 of us, and uh got a call from our first sergeant that my dad had passed away.

SPEAKER_01 38:19

Uh, and there was a lot of un there just was a lot of stuff that never got handled, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 38:30

Like a lot of conversations that never took place, and now looking back on it, uh learn to give you know grace. And I I look back at my dad and see a lot of me and him or him and me. And I'm like, man, no wonder he struggled. Uh, because I if I am just like him in a lot of ways, and I'm struggling in certain areas, like he didn't have a lot of the stuff figured out that I'm starting to put together uh and figure out. Uh so it was hard on him. So I can look back and I can I can see that. The one thing I can't do is go back and tell him, hey, it's okay. I for like it's water under the bridge, man. Like I forgive you. You know what I mean? He's gone. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 39:21

Uh so I would say don't don't put off things. Don't uh forgiveness is a big thing when you're a Christian, you know. Uh gotta learn to forgive.

SPEAKER_03 39:38

And uh that's probably my biggest regret was that I never had those hard conversations with him and thinking about him passing away and maybe feeling like he was a terrible father or you know, he wasn't there. All things that all right, I don't want to say all things that are true. Uh he just what like he wasn't there, you know. Like, how can you be a good father if you're not there? Uh and some of them were his pro fault and some of them weren't.

SPEAKER_01 40:07

But uh at the end of the day, like you gotta you gotta forgive, you know, you gotta forgive.

SPEAKER_03 40:15

And uh it's just going to drag you down if you don't, because it's something you're gonna live with for the rest of your life. If you're in my situation, you know what I mean? It'd be different if he was still alive.

SPEAKER_00 40:27

So in the book of Luke, hold on. In the book of Luke, there's a passage that that reflects uh a spiritual truth that I think that many of our listeners need to process. And it's actually a for me, a real life experience that I experienced. And it's when we experience the Holy Spirit and we get forgiven of our sins. There's a scripture that teaches that that we become a clean vessel. And any type of according to this passage of scripture, okay, I'm just what the Bible says, not what I'm saying, is that if there were any demons inside of us, they go out of us when the Holy Spirit comes on us. And those things will go into other vessels. And if we don't fill ourselves up with the spirit, and it almost seems the key in keeping ourselves filled up with the spirit is offering to others the same forgiveness that God offered to us. And if we don't forgive those who have trespassed against us, including our parents who, you know, jack us up, or even the results of not having a dad, we sometimes go into traumatic pieces, people and places that things happen to us that we would have never wanted that to happen to our kids. We have to forgive everybody. And if we don't, the scriptures teach that our trespasses won't be forgiven. This is biblical, and those spirits will come back, and if they don't sense the Holy Spirit there, they'll come back in and the situation will be seven times worse. And me and my roommate got saved at the pretty much the exact same time, and he told me, I cannot forgive my dad for what he's done to me. And I had this conversation with him. About two years later, I'm still following Jesus. He falls far away from God and he ends up dying of a drug overdose in same-sex relationships, and he was way worse than when he was when he first came to God. And I know this is your story, so I don't want to take it, but I want our listeners to recognize the issue of offering to others what God offers to us is essential. And if we can't forgive those who've trespassed against us, scripture does teach, Jesus does teach that our trespasses won't be forgiven. If we get forgiven, we must forgive others. Do you have an incredible story of overcoming the home that you were raised in? Or maybe the father wounds that were placed inside your life? If so, I want to share it with other dudes without dads. Simply go to dudeswithout dadspodcast.com and apply to be a guest on the show. The reason it's important to share your story is because when you share what God has done for you, it helps other men believe that God can do it for them, and he can. To share your story, head over to Dues Without Dads Podcast today.

SPEAKER_01 43:38

Did you have something to add?

SPEAKER_03 43:40

I think like just to touch on that, just to be a caring individual, you know, a caring human being. You don't want somebody else to hurt. You know what I mean? You don't want them to have pain or regret or anything like that. So just I'm okay. You know what I mean? Like Like I've figured out a way in life. And I'm as I grow and get older, I'm figuring out even more and more as it goes on. You know what I mean? So for me to sit here and hold a grudge against my father, who is not all that different from me. He just made bad decisions and you know whatnot. Uh it pains me to think that uh he had regret or he was he's sorry for things. It's not uh he didn't love me type of thing. He didn't know how to be an adult, he didn't know how to be a father, he didn't know these things, and his life wasn't long enough for him to you know figure it out. Uh so I just think as a somebody who cares about other people and their feelings, it's the right thing to do for you to say, hey, like if you can hear me, I forgive you and I love you, and I I don't hold anything, you know, against him type of deal. So I think it's important uh because it's only going to eat you up uh because you got to live with it, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 45:09

Yeah, 100%. I've got two more questions to close up. And the first one you've kind of touched on, but I want you to actually put yourself there. If your father was sitting in front of you today, what would you say to him?

SPEAKER_03 45:24

I forgive, like I forgive you, and uh I would want like I'd probably want him to know that uh me and him are not all that different. Uh that'd probably be the biggest thing. And I I can see how things were confusing and how life was hard and how you turn to the wrong things. And I think if anybody takes anything from this podcast besides forgiveness, it's learning when things get hard, learning when uh things aren't going your way, where to turn. And if you're turning to the wrong things, it's problems aren't gonna get easier. They're not gonna go away. Uh, they might just disappear for the time being. But when you wake up and you're hung over or you're strung out, or whatever that, you know, whatever happens, or you're uh cheating on your spouse, or whatever you whatever it is you're doing to cope, uh, the problems aren't gonna go away. They're still gonna be there. Uh so learning to turn to the right thing. And to me, my opinion from where I'm sitting and where I've been and you know how I've lived, there's only one answer, and it's turning to God.

SPEAKER_01 46:41

He didn't know that, he didn't know how to do that. Uh but I don't hold anything against him.

SPEAKER_03 46:49

That would be what I would tell him.

SPEAKER_00 46:50

Yeah, I appreciate that. For anyone that's listening, it's hard to give something that you haven't received. And so, in order to be able to give grace, you have to first receive grace, and that comes doing work with your own sin first. And once you do the business with your own sin, it then gives you permission to offer to others what you've experienced yourselves. And that's exactly the conversation that our guest Fred has shared with us today. Fred, this is the final question. All right. What does being a good man look like or mean to you?

SPEAKER_03 47:26

Okay, that's a tough one. Uh, because I'm still figuring it out. Like uh integrity, number one. Uh, well, let me say that. Let me erase that. God loving, number one. Uh, integrity, treating other people how you want to be treated, um, setting the right example. Uh I keep I keep going back to integrity because it's all about you know doing the right thing, even when nobody else is looking, because it's just so easy to do the wrong thing. Uh, and I just kind of try to live my life like God's in the room with me. Uh, would I say that if God wasn't if God was in the room with me, would I talk to that person that way? Would I, you know, would I say that when somebody cuts me off? Would I, you know, say what's about to come out of my mouth if God's in the passenger seat? Uh what every decision that I make now, uh number one, it's not about me. It's about the the the you know three little sets of eyes that are looking up to me. And uh that's what I think about, you know, being a man. It's wanting your kids to be better than you are uh by setting the right example.

SPEAKER_00 48:38

So Fred, I want to thank you, man. Yeah, I want to thank you for being a guest on the Do's Without Dads podcast. You have been by far a tremendous guest, and I believe this is going to help a lot of people.

SPEAKER_03 48:53

I appreciate it. Anytime, anytime. It's I'm glad you're doing this. It's something that I've thought about uh over the years because I feel like once you kind of start to figure things out and life, you know, you're you're living life, and there's such a a need for this out there. Uh I'm just not a good there's a reason I'm married to who I am because she's good at implementing things. I'm just good at thinking them. Uh so I'm very glad that there's somebody else out here that has has this idea and is running with it and can make it work. So I think it's great and uh definitely definitely glad to be a part of it, a small part.

SPEAKER_00 49:32

Uh she's your integrator.

SPEAKER_03 49:35

She's my integrator. I'm the visionary, she's the integrator.

SPEAKER_00 49:38

Yeah. Fred, I look forward to getting to know you more over the years. And until I see you in the future, I'll see you then.

SPEAKER_03 49:44

All right, I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_04 49:47

Forgiveness is more for you than that. I had inner peace for the first time in my life. It's just Jesus. Just Jesus.