Father Wounds: Forgiving an Abusive Father | Cliff Branham

What happens when a boy grows up believing he has no value?

In this episode of Dudes Without Dads, Cliff Branham shares his journey from childhood abuse, anger, and addiction to forgiveness, healing, and becoming the father he never had.

Cliff grew up with an abusive and absent father. That pain shaped his identity, led to rebellion, and fueled years of destructive behavior. But through surrender, discipleship, and understanding his identity in Christ, he broke the generational cycle.

In this conversation, we discuss:

• The long-term impact of father wounds
• Why anger often masks shame
• How generational trauma spreads
• What forgiveness really means
• How to heal from childhood abuse
• The role of faith and community in transformation

If you’ve struggled with father wounds, resentment, or identity confusion, this episode offers clarity and hope.

father wounds healing, abusive father recovery, christian testimony, forgiving abusive parent, breaking generational curses, men’s discipleship, identity in Christ, healing childhood trauma, dudes without dads, christian men podcast

Chapters / Timestamps

00:00 Intro
 01:07 The childhood memory that shaped everything
 01:12 “I had no value” — the core lie
 01:14 Shaking his fist at God for 10 years
 01:16 The turning point at 29
 01:19 Double imputation explained simply
 01:22 Before Jesus vs after Jesus
 01:24 What to do if you feel worthless
 01:26 Why community is essential
 01:29 Message to abusive men
 01:32 How his father’s story ended
 01:36 “I forgive you… trust Jesus”
 01:37 Final encouragement

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I'm five years old in my bedroom and um he shows up unexpectedly as he often when he did show up it would be unexpected. Tensions through the roof. I could hear the boots uh hitting the ground as he ran back in the house with anger because he heard me crying at a distance and he gave me a beating all over again. I had no value. I had no value. I didn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

My life was just spyrolling downhill. Depression, alcoholism, incarceration, death by despair. One guy who showed up is just Jesus. If you can give a man clarity and community, he can start to live out his purpose. You can break the generational curses of alcoholism.

SPEAKER_03 0:41

Welcome to Dudes Without Dads, the show that trains men on how to become the dads they never had.

SPEAKER_00 0:49

Yeah, my name is Cliff Branham, and I'm from Jellicoe, Tennessee, Central Appalachia, right on the Tennessee and Kentucky state line.

SPEAKER_03 0:56

For someone that's never been to your hometown, how would you describe it to them?

SPEAKER_00 1:01

A small quaint um you know community, uh about 2200 people. But it has suffered uh decades of economic decline, some of the highest rates in a in drug addiction in the state of Tennessee, and so it's got its pros and its cons like all communities.

SPEAKER_03 1:29

How did your family end up there?

SPEAKER_00 1:32

So we're three generations here in the community. Um my father uh was a business owner in the community, my grandfather. Uh my mother's family were business owners in the community three generations back, so we're very integrated in. Uh but yeah, uh Irish, Scottish, and uh Europe descent.

SPEAKER_03 1:55

So Thank you. Would you mind walking us through the highs and lows of just your story?

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Yeah, where would you like for me to start at, Josh?

SPEAKER_03 2:06

The beginning. Just you look back and think about your story. Because oftentimes we don't take time to really go back and start and think through our story. So, you know, when you look back, what are some of the earliest memories and and then just walk me through some of the high highs and the lows of your past?

SPEAKER_00 2:25

Yeah, so uh reflection's hard, right? Because it's there's still some pain there in the and there's been a lot of healing. A lot of wounds have been healed. Um, but to uh I've not often been public about my story. And so um if I guess some of my earliest memories really are of God. I I grew up in a home where my mother um we had we attended church. Uh we were actually at a little Cleveland Church of God. I don't know if you've ever heard of the Cleveland Church of God, but we attended there, my mother and I. I was born into a broken family. So my mother was actually 40 years old when she gave birth to me, and she had already raised three children. My cloak, my closest sibling was my sister Valerie, and she was 11 years older than I. And my father um was a bit of a rounder. So he was uh he was in Vietnam. Uh, my my uncle was a wing gunner in Vietnam, different type of uh of life and experience that he had. And uh they a lot of folks left Appalachia, went to Ohio, Cincinnati area, worked for the railroad, did things like that. So they'd kind of moved all over the country. They'd lived in Florida and St. Louis, different places, and found their way back home. And so the the marriage was um breaking up when I came along. It's kind of the end of that stage. It was an abusive relationship. He was an alcoholic. Uh, he owned a couple taverns in the community. And so was, like I said, a bit of a rounder. My mother was on the other spectrum going to church. That was kind of her safety net, if you will. Like we didn't really go to church to be trained in theology and discipleship. We went to church to try to make it through the week. And so it was more of a survival mechanism than anything. So, yeah, I grew up in a broken home. Then mom left the area and went to Knoxville. She finished up her schooling as a social worker at uh small school, Baptist school called Carson College. And then we lived there in Knoxville for about five years and then moved back to uh to Jellico at the end of my high school career. So highs were simple childhood, running around the neighborhood with no supervision, a lot of autonomy, you know, riding your bikes with your friends, playing in the creeks. So a very down-the-earth, you know, I would even say somewhat safe environment. Um, but we also had a lot of brokenness in the community, as I mentioned earlier in the interview. And so we had neighbors that were predators. Uh, we had drug dealers that would try to, you know, uh bring young men into their world, if you will, and train them up in the ways of of uh of drug trafficking and and drug use, which I fell into eventually when I was older. And so it was a bit of a mixed bag. It was pretty convoluted, had a lot of good and a lot of bad. Uh, dad was quite the figure in the area. He's kind of a, he was well known. He had shot three men in our community. They had a a uh a shootout here in the community that was kind of a he was a bit infamous because of that. And so uh he was also a marijuana farmer and a cocaine trafficker, and so they were bringing cocaine in from the Florida area, South Florida into the Appalachian Mountains. And so there was a lot going on back in those days. You're talking late 70s, early 80s, and I was born in 79. So I kind of came in toward the end of all of the of the uh the arc of that, if you will, and it was on the decline when I was born. So absent dad, when he was present, he was abusive uh verbally, physically, and emotionally. And so it was uh yeah, uh single parent household situational poverty because of the separation. So kind of experience what what we would call the the uh uh the appellation experience, pretty, pretty much you know, what most would be pretty common here broken home, situational regenerational poverty, and all the struggles that go with that, addiction, all those things, too.

SPEAKER_03 6:23

You had to define your relationship with your father in the early years. How would you define it?

SPEAKER_00 6:29

Non existent. And uh when dad would show up, which would be rare, the tension in the entire environment of the home would go through the roof. It was we were owned eggshells until he was gone. So, you know, he would come in very destructive, very in-charge individual. Um, and he, you know, and he was uh pretty physical. So it was, he was, I was scared of my father. A lot of fear base, uh, the relationship was guided through fear. And he was also involved. Um, I hate to say this because I know this is out there, but you know, he was did a lot of things in Chicago. He was kind of uh an affiliate, if you will, with some organized um um crime things, and so there was a lot of lot of fear involved with my father.

SPEAKER_03 7:14

Do you have a dominant memory of him coming home?

SPEAKER_00 7:18

I do. Um I'm five years old in my bedroom, and um he shows up unexpectedly as he often when he did show up, it would be unexpected. And so um as I mentioned before, the tensions through the roof. Um he he hasn't seen my mother in in probably four or five, six months at this point. So he when they engage, he grabs her and he kisses her and she let out a squeal. I thought that he was hurting her. I knew that he was abusive, but I had not seen it before. He was not being abusive in the situation. I misinterpreted what was happening, but I actually attacked him. So I I violently attacked my father at five years old, trying to defend my mother, and um, and so he in his way disciplined me for that. And so he uh proceeded to uh you know to to handle business, as he would say, physically. I was five, and so it was uh it was it it was uh not it was not to make light out of it, it was physical abuse. And I remember crying out to God for help in the midst of it. Uh my mother was really uh unable to to to do anything about the situation. My father was just a very powerful, very strong man. And um so yeah, when he finished, uh I remember him setting me on the bed and he said, you know, we don't cry. So he was trying to stop me from crying, and and uh and he left, and when he left, I began to cry again. I could hear the boots uh hitting the ground as he ran back in the house with anger because he heard me crying at a distance, and he gave me a beating all over again. And so I remember that day um just feeling isolated from my mother and father. I think it's kind of where the years later, God would take me back in prayer and kind of relive this moment. And what I believe that God showed me through prayer was there was a wound that the enemy planted, a seed of rebellion in my heart toward authority, uh, toward anyone who represented authority, whether it be the police or school teachers or coaches. And really from that point forward, I kind of become autonomous in my in my own independence at five years old. And literally would get myself up, get ready for school, walk to school, figure out my own daily routine, wash my clothes, take care of myself, taught myself how to drive when I was 14 by stealing cars in Knoxville, Tennessee. So hopefully the the legal ramifications of that have I'm 46 now, so hopefully the statute of limitations have ran out on that. But yeah, I mean, really I lived a life uh from that point forward, really just in uh complete autonomy from anyone who would be an authority figure or that could be helped to me. I I I closed all those doors from that from that wound, that pain.

SPEAKER_03 10:03

How would you dis describe your relationship with your mom?

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Complicated. I love my mother, still do. She's 84, still alive. My dad passed away last December, he was 82. Uh, love my mother, she was a social worker, um, but she had suffered over 20 years of physical abuse, mental abuse. It took a number on her. She had some mental health issues, so we had some, she was manic depressant. So there was times where she would not come out of her bedroom for months on end. So uh it was complicated, uh, I would say at best.

SPEAKER_03 10:38

At five, you grew up quickly. As you look back and think about your adolescence years, how did you define things like being a man or having an identity or what manhood looked like?

SPEAKER_00 10:52

So for me, I was shepherd by anger. Anger is what shepherded my life through my adolescence. A lot of uh altercations, physical altercations. I've literally been in hundreds of fist fights. Um, we switched schools. I went to five schools in five years, and so there was a lot of uh transition in my life. And so I think for me, um physical um anger, you know, taking charge of a situation in a way to control the situation. But for me, manhood was um it was being a tough guy, you know. Uh I thought being a tough guy, wild, rebellious, uh, you know, I I risked my life on a pretty much a weekly basis. I was always living on the edge, always taking risks that I shouldn't be taking. And I had very little self-respect. Um, you know, just um didn't have any self-confidence. I think I over um compensated for that, you know, through that uh uh some of those um outward um um, you know, ways of being loud or rambunctious or rebellious. Athletics was a little bit of a help to me. I I I loved football and baseball, so there was some help in that space. And I I I kind of found my identity in that. And then I tore my ECL at 17, was no longer able to participate. So I went through a whole uh an additional identity crisis. But yeah, I think for me, being a man was being tough, being hard, uh, never showing emotion, and uh not caring about anything, just being very d disconnected and not uh accessible emotionally to other people.

SPEAKER_03 12:34

Your behavior reflects a certain belief. If you had to identify the lie of the belief that you had about yourself that led that to that behavior, what lie were you believing about yourself?

SPEAKER_02 12:49

Had no value. Had no value. I didn't matter.

SPEAKER_03 12:57

I want to thank you for taking time to listen to this story. And if there's something inside of here that is adding value to you, I want you to stop and hit subscribe. I am on the mission to help men become the dads they never had. Many of us struggle with father wounds, addictions, identity issues, and really what we need is we need a model. We need to see people that have broken the patterns and come alongside of them. I want to simply invite you to join me on the journey. Every Thursday, we're gonna release a new episode. Each episode is gonna help you and others become the dads they never had. Hit subscribe and share with a friend. Now let's get back to the story. When did you start uh putting the two together together that your behavior was a result of a lack of value from your father?

SPEAKER_00 13:51

That was way after uh my salvation uh and my and my discipleship journey. It it took quite some time. I was um I I was I knew that I was angry, and uh figuratively speaking, my life from 19 till 29 was me shaking my fist at heaven, daring God. I I I just for some reason was not able to discern God's involvement in my life. He felt distant, and I I was pressing the envelope, I was pushing, trying to push his buttons so that I might get some type of a reaction out of him to know that he was there. There was this instinctual um uh understanding that he was there, but I but there was no tangible evidence of that. And so I had this seed of faith in me that God was good, that he was all the things that the scriptures said that he is and that he had a plan for my life, but my reality was not uh communicating that back to me. My reality was saying the opposite. So I was very confused by God's or what I interpreted as his absence. And so there was this belief that I was no good. There was a belief that, you know, if there was a God, how could I trust him? How could he be a good God to allow me to go through the things I was going through? Why would he create me if he knew that I would respond in rebellion and destin me for eternal damnation if he was a loving father? So there was that conflict internally happening. And uh, but uh basically the Lord allowed me to have my way. He allowed me to do what I thought was best in my life. And so I did everything from hard labor, working in natural gas fields, being a brick mason to even working in corporate management. So the spectrum was wide for me, but all of that ended uh in um discouragement and uh difficult and destruction. And so I had a child, uh, my oldest daughter, her name's Taylor. She's now 23, just graduated college. But um when I had a child at a wedlock and I was not being the father that I always wanted to be, and I was perpetuating that cycle. I didn't have the language for that at the time, but I understood that I was doing that, trying to be a father, but didn't have the skills to do so. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. God used my firstborn child to really reckon me and bring me to the end of myself. And so at 29, because of the distance between she and I and the difficulty in the relationship with her mother, I cried out to God for help and said, If you, if you can, you know, if you're there, if you're real, I surrender. I I don't want to do things my way. I was still angry, but but I wanted to try to um to love him and to and to believe that I was loved. And so that's where it started for me. And then God really spent the first two or three years with me working on Christology and sonship and understanding my identity in him. My life verse is Romans 8, 38, and 39, you know, where it says, neither, neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor health, nor depth, nor any other creature shall separate you from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus your Lord, or our Lord. And uh it was the King James version because that's what we read in those days. And um, so God has been reinforcing that over and over and over for the last 12 years into my life. And um, and so yeah, just understanding um that it's not through my works. I tried to earn his love the first few years of my salvation. I worked harder than everybody else. I prayed harder than everybody else. I read my Bible more than everybody else. Um, that's the way I gauged my faithfulness to him, it was based on what I seen around me. And so I was trying to prove my love to him. And consistently I would find myself again and again at the end of myself, not being good enough, not measuring up. And then God began to deal with me uh in that brokenness that uh that it was my my my um, you know, that the really that that double imputation, the the the doctrine of imputation, if you will, be kind of become uh alive in my life where I begin to understand who Jesus was and and his part in all of this. For some reason, I always looked past Jesus. I always looked to the Father, and the Father continued to try to put my eyes back on Christ. And it's when I began to really look at Jesus, look at Jesus in the Gospels, look at the I am statements, look at Matthew, uh to lose your life is to find it, to find your life is to lose it, all those paradoxical things that we read in Scripture. Jesus, the Holy Spirit, began to meet me where I was at and reshape my mind, Romans 12, right? You know, by the renewing of the mind, we're transformed. And so I went from this guy who was angry, who was hateful, who was bitter, who was resentful, who hated God, uh, to a lover of God, to a man who was completely surrendered as best that I can be, and really let go of all the reins, all the control. Went from being the most irresponsible uh person you know to trying to be the most responsible individual you know. And so just a complete transformation in my life. So it's been an evolution, if you will, and continuing to be an evolution of understanding my sonship and my identity in Christ. And so just the complete work of the Holy Spirit, the grace and the mercy and the goodness and the long-suffering of God in my life.

SPEAKER_03 19:22

There's two questions I have. One, if someone can't pronounce or spell double imputation, would you mind giving a third grade understanding of what you mean by that? Because you just mentioned that you experienced freedom once you understood what that meant.

SPEAKER_00 19:42

Yeah. So I was really striving to please God through my actions, um, through my devotion, uh, my committedness to him. Yet I continued to find that I was flawed, that I wasn't committed as as much as I wanted to be. And so it was through the understanding that my sins, I think I got the atonement part. I understood that my sins had been imputed to him. I understood that he had died for my sins and the sins of the world. And through my faith in him, I was, you know, saved by grace through faith. That part I understood, but it was the other side of his righteousness being imputed to me so that when the Father looks at me, he sees the perfect obedience of Jesus Christ. That part I didn't understand. So I continued to try to work my way into that good favor with God. I didn't understand what grace really was. And so it was an evolution of really failure, attempting to strive for excellence, perfection, and finding myself, you know, coming up short time and time again, missing the mark, if you will, sinning. And it was that, uh, and because of that life verse of nothing will separate you, I continue to hang on. I continue to say, okay, he's got to be at work in me somehow. He's he's written this on my heart. There's something about this verse that I'm supposed to cling to. And it was, you know, those simple things of just clinging to the truth and the word of God that allowed that understanding that not only was my sins imputed to Jesus, they were put upon him on the cross, and that he suffered my judgment upon that cross. But also now I was walking in new life and walking in the victory of Christ in my own life as a son of God, adopted into the vine, you know, it grafted into the vine, and being a child of the king, and to have a posture of uh of of of you know what should come with that, um, realizing that uh I have a seat at the table, but why I have a seat at the table, and that's because of the obedience, the sacrifice, and the surrender of Jesus.

SPEAKER_03 21:52

Describe the individual they would have met.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

Well, I don't know. I'm gonna try to keep it PG here. Because my friends used to have a way of describing me. And I don't know if that'd be appropriate for this podcast.

SPEAKER_03 22:06

It's appropriate.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

I was balls to the wall. That's what they used to say about me. So I was just wild, man. I I had um I was uh a nomadic. I'm you know, a no I was very nomadic in in my uh I would jump from place to place. I'd get up in a in a moment's notice and go halfway across the country, um, pot head, smoking pot every day of my life, uh, running around with the guys that were 10 to 15 years older than me that were the traffickers and the tough guys in the in the neighborhood. And so I was uh, you know, I thought I was, you know, Billy Badbutt, and I had an attitude and chip on my shoulder, and I used humor to deal with all of all of life's difficulties. I could see someone physically get brutalized in front of me and I'd be making jokes about it to try to lighten up the room. So I was a comedic, you know, I was kind of the class clown. I was I was uh super irresponsible and just living by, you know, was going with the wind, man, living by the seat of my pants. And so I honestly believed I would never make it to see my twenties and I live my life in that way.

SPEAKER_03 23:08

Someone were to meet you today after coming to know Jesus, how would they describe you?

SPEAKER_00 23:18

I think a good husband and a good father, a man who loves his community, a man who loves God, um a lot of individuals that are in my life have have told me one of the things that have stuck out to them the most about our ministry here in Appalachia is integrity. So being a man of integrity, being very responsible. Um the complete opposite, the complete opposite of what I used to be.

SPEAKER_02 23:47

And just saying How can I How can my life look like your life when I feel like I'm far from God and I have no value.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

I don't want to oversimplify this, but I really believe it's simple obedience. Um you don't uh I these terms that I'm using, these are not terms that I knew eight, you know, ten years ago. These are this has been an evolution of understanding simple truths about scripture um and simply uh surrendering to those truths. I've really not done anything in my life. The work of the Holy Spirit is the one who has done those things. My participation in it has been surrender. So I would say don't be shepherd by the pain, by the fear, and by the anger. It wants to take place of God's rule in your mind and your heart. It wants to shepherd you. And um, the destination is destruction and despair, not just for you, but for those that you love and those that you're connected to. Just as the Holy Spirit works in and through us, so does the spirit of evil and fear. And so um I would say simply, just surrender your anger, surrender your pain, surrender your fear one step at a time, little steps, each day. Don't look at tomorrow, don't think about tomorrow, only focus on that today and trust that he is faithful and just to forgive when we make mistakes. I think you need to, it's like a marriage or like any kind of a friendship. If there's something that happens within that context that's not healthy or not good, we don't pretend like it didn't happen and move on. We need to talk about those things and we need to deal with them so that there can be healing on both sides. And I think that we should look at our relationship with Christ and with the Father and with the Holy Spirit the same way. It's a true relationship, a real relationship, and allow God to uh to mature us and to grow us and to develop us uh to the image of his son. And so I think it's simply just learning to obey and surrender our own will, our own emotions, our own fears, our own anger to the truth of God's word and allow it to be lived out easily, one day at a time. And I would suggest that get into community. Community is a huge part of this. And Appalachia, the Appalachian experience is isolation. And we tend to be an isolated people. Even within groups, we isolate ourselves. And I would say that's been one of the most um essential breakthroughs of my life is being a part of community, being vulnerable and transparent. As a man, I was taught not to be vulnerable and not to be transparent. Men were uh strong and quiet figures, you know, Clint Eastwood type, you know, figures. And so to learn to be vulnerable and transparent uh is really a great strength. And so I would suggest that men uh be men of courage and walk into transparency and vulnerability and uh yeah, and trust the Lord as is who he says he is, and don't believe the lies of the evil one.

SPEAKER_03 26:58

What are some behaviors that you do with your children that you wish your dad would have done with you?

SPEAKER_00 27:05

So uh there's a lot. I would say all the above. One of the most uh the one that stuck out as soon as you said that, I remember my son is Wyatt, he's four years old. And uh I was rocking, I I would rock Wyatt to sleep often. I'm uh, you know, I've never had a bedtime story read to me. I'll tell you about that if you want to hear about that later. I had a quite the moment one night with that. But I was rocking my son Wyatt to sleep one night, and I was just so in love with him, and it was such a beautiful moment, but then I realized in that moment that that had never happened to me, that my father had never held me, never cherished me, never seen me the way that I was seeing Wyatt. So those moments for me can be bittersweet, but I am very physical with my children because my father was physical, but not in a loving and um gentle way. So I'm I'm a I'm a hugger, I'm a kisser, uh, I'm an encourager. I try to make sure that I don't just encourage them for external things, but internal things. And so the language that we use is, you know, not always like you're so pretty and you're so smart. Those are good things, but you're you're so innovative, you're so creative, you're you know, you're so uh intelligent to feel. So we really do a lot of verbal affirmation, a lot of encouragement and in making sure they feel safe with us. So we want to make sure that, you know, if they're in a moment of crises or fear that we're physical, that we're there, that we're present, that we're listening, we're not always trying to correct, that we're just learning to be present with them, and then um, you know, giving them a place of stability and safety to know that they can share, they can talk, um, and uh that they're safe. So I think a lot of physical touch, maybe more than they care for, and uh, and building those um those pathways for trust, if you will. And then, of course, a Christ-centered home. My children, we're on mission here. We're living on mission. So my kids are in it every day, man. They they they see they hear about Jesus all day, every day. You know, we're in the word every day, we're in prayer every day. Like it's a church, they live inside of a church house. So uh that's that's been a very different, you know, that dynamic is extremely different from what I grew up in.

SPEAKER_03 29:09

I want you to speak to every violent man that's currently abusing their wife, their girlfriends, their children.

SPEAKER_02 29:20

What do you want to say to them?

SPEAKER_00 29:35

And you and you're looking at these external things, um, but it's you, you're the issue, you're the problem. And um and don't turn that violence inward. Don't turn it on yourself either. Um, but stop. You're destructing, you're destroying more lives, um, and you're continuing to allow whatever happened to you because you know as well as I do, Joshua. Um, most of us that are abusers or uh addicts uh or absent fathers, we're we're only perpetuating a cycle that was handed down to us. It's a generational curse. And so I would say um you're loved, you're seen, and um and stop perpetuating the cycle of destruction and hatred in your life because it's continuing to control you and it's continuing to control others. Um, you're actually participating in the very thing that you hate about what's happened to you and what's been done to you, and you're now contributing to that to others. And I would say stop and surrender and go and speak with someone, go and talk with someone who can advise you, who can counsel you, and know that there's forgiveness. Know there is retribution. There's God is a just and a faithful God, but there is grace and there's healing, and there can be residual effects that I'm still paying for things I did 20 years ago to this day. There's things to this day I still have to deal with. So I would say stop creating additional destruction and harm to yourself and to others and uh yeah, and go seek some help.

SPEAKER_03 31:03

Could you share with everybody listening the narrative of your father's life and how it ended up? Do you have an incredible story of overcoming the home that you were raised in? Or maybe the father wounds that were placed inside your life? If so, I want to share it with other dudes without dads. Simply go to doeswithout dads podcast.com and apply to be a guest on the show. The reason it's important to share your story is because when you share what God has done for you, it helps other men believe that God can do it for them, and he can. To share your story, head over to Dues Without Dads Podcast today.

SPEAKER_00 31:54

You know, I'm I'm not as familiar with my my father's uh the origin stories because his brothers and sisters were very functioning people. They they good marriages and grandchildren, and they're very family involved. My father was the black sheep of the family, but he was a force to be reckoned with. A guy said one time, you know, it's a you're I love your daddy, but the world could only stand two of them. You know, they would or only one of them, they couldn't be two. And so I think he was a brute force, uh, a force to be reckoned with. He tried to control his environment through violence. And um, and so I, you know, but my father passed away last December. He was a frail man, you know, he wore a size 16 ring. Uh he had the elastic watches that were stretched all the way out, but as he lay there in the hospital bed in hospice care, I mean, he was down to like 140 pounds. Um he was weak and he was weary and and he had no healthy relationships with any of his children. Um there was tension around his marriage. It was a very sad situation. And I was told that he confessed Christ um, you know, toward the end of his life, and I and I'm I'm I'm hopeful that he did. I love my father. I I don't blame my father for the things that he did in a way as an escapegoat. Uh, I wish he'd have done better, and I want to make sure that I do better. Um, but I would say, you know, in totality, it was a sad story. It was an it was a a misfortune. It was uh uh yeah, it was a sad story. It's uh but the Lord is doing remarkable things through breaking that generational curse in my life and in my children's life. And so there's a redemptive plan there. And I don't know what the role is my father plays in that, but he plays some type of significant role in that because of all those wounds. I'm I I tend to lean in the providence of God. It's really through the things that I didn't have, and it was through the lack of the things that I wanted in my life that I now am extremely intentional and sensitive about making sure I provide for my own children and my family. So they're loved and they're loved well.

SPEAKER_03 34:07

Did you say there was a time that you hated your father?

SPEAKER_00 34:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 34:12

Absolutely. What did the process look like to forgive him?

SPEAKER_00 34:17

Uh I think I dehumanized him somehow. I made a character out of him. He was a superhero at one point, and then he became the villain. And I think maturing and developing as a man myself, realizing what life looks like and how difficult it is, the pressures of life, under having more empathy toward other individuals as the grace of God grew in my own heart. I began to look at my rebellion toward Christ and toward the Father and his long-suffering and his love and his gentleness towards me, even in the midst of all of my rebellion. And it was kind of like that parable where, you know, you owe little, but then, you know, you owe much, but then you hold the other guy accountable who who owes little. And I think, you know, some of those parables and some of those lessons in life allowed my heart to grow softer toward my father and to see him as a human, see him as a flawed person, and realize that my need and his need for Christ was the exact same measure. And uh, and I realized outside of Christ, I was just like him. I tried to be the opposite of him, but I was turning into him. And so um, yeah, I think it was just the grace orientation of the presence of God in my life allowed me to forgive my father and to genuinely love my father. But uh at the same time, there was a lot of uh, you know, this there was I was discouraged, you know, because we didn't have a healthy relationship the way that I hoped we would have toward the end of his life. We did the best that we could. Um, and I hope that his uh profession and faith was genuine and true. And and on the other side of this, you know, you never know. You never know what the Lord's doing. So my hope is in Christ. Uh, but yeah, I would say it was my own failures, my own missing the mark that allowed me, and in the grace and the mercy and the love of God that was shed abroad in my heart towards me, allowed me to then share that with my father.

SPEAKER_03 36:12

Did you b were you there when they buried your father?

SPEAKER_00 36:15

They actually did not have, we didn't get closure with my father. He uh they didn't have a a a memorial service or a celebration of life. They had a uh he was cremated, and so I seen him in the hospital bed, whispered in his ear, kissed him on the cheek. The first time we'd ever had that type of physical contact. And then I that was the last time that I seen him. Life is difficult, it's hard, and we we really can't determine, you know, we can't choose the hand that we're dealt with. We don't have a choice over the family we're born into or our, you know, uh our health, our physical being, you know. Um But we are all we're all given the same opportunity to know Jesus. And uh I would just encourage people to get alone, to be quiet, to pray, uh, to put their trust in him and him alone. Don't allow the pain, don't allow the brokenness, don't allow the anger to control your life anymore. Quit looking inward and start looking upward. And uh, and if you don't know how to do that, find somebody who does. Go find someone who's like you or me, someone who's on the other side of this that might have some similar shared experience and ask for help. Don't, don't be afraid to ask for help. I never wanted to ask for help. And uh, I wish I would have asked for help sooner. And so don't don't procrastinate, don't, don't, don't wait. Do it today. As soon as you hear my voice, I want that to be the sign that you've been looking for. Go and seek that help that you need. Go and ask for help and and uh and trust that the Lord has a plan because he is good and he is faithful, and it's for your good and it's for his glory.

SPEAKER_01 38:26

Forgiveness is more for you than that. I had inner peace for the first time in my life. It's just Jesus. Just Jesus.