Growing Up Too Fast: Alcoholic Dad, Absent Mom & Breaking the Cycle | Dustin Lunde

Dustin Lundy grew up faster than any kid should have to.

His father — a former stockbroker born in 1934 — was financially brilliant and emotionally absent. His mother had affairs, abandoned the family for drugs, and left behind a household that 13-year-old Dustin quietly began running on his own. By the time his dad was dying of stage four colon cancer, Dustin was the one cleaning, caregiving, and holding things together — while quietly drowning in his own alcoholism and unprocessed trauma.

He never told his dad he loved him before the ICU. Until the morning he sat beside him in a coma, and saw a single tear roll down his father's face.

In this brutally honest conversation, Dustin unpacks:

• A childhood of financial ruin, IRS audits, and emotional distance
• How he unknowingly triggered his father's relapse at age 13
• Raising his 12-year-old sister after his father's death
• A 10-year separation from God after losing the two father figures in his life
• The marriage crisis 18 months ago that broke him open
• A prayer walk, a forgiveness letter, and a 9-year-old son who asked to be baptized

This episode is for every man who thinks he "turned out fine" — and every son who still has time to say what matters.

Resources:

• Dudes Without Dads: https://www.dudeswithoutdadspodcast.com (update URL)
• Apply to be a guest: https://www.dudeswithoutdadspodcast.com/guests/intake/ (update URL)
• Through the Word App: https://www.throughtheword.org

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Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

As I'm leaving, my my wife at the time says, You need to tell your dad you love him. And I'm like, No, my dad knows I love him. Um, but it's fine. So I leave. Father's Day rolls around. I don't reach out to my dad. I I think if anything, I was just and embarrassingly at this point, I think I was just frustrated and ashamed that he just seems like he just gave up. And then a couple days pass, and my grandmother calls me. I'll never forget. I was at a at the Publix here in Lawrenceville grabbing cheesecake and a bottle of wine for me and my wife. And um my grandmother calls me and says, Hey, how's your dad doing? And I said, I think he's fine. They moved him in a home because mom didn't want to help, and you know, Devin was exhausted, and Leo works, and so they moved him in a home. And last I heard he was okay. And she's like, No, your dad's an ICU.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

My life was just spyrolling downhill, depression, alcoholism, incarceration, death by despair. One guy who showed up is just Jesus. If you can give a man clarity and community, he can start to live out his purpose. You can break generational curses of alcoholism.

SPEAKER_00 1:05

Welcome to Dudes Without Dads, the show that trained men how to become the dad they never had. Would you mind starting off by just sharing your story with me?

SPEAKER_03 1:16

Yeah, sure. So uh, oh man, going all the way back, my um my father was in his 50s when my mother met him. Um my dad was born in 1934, so he would have been 91 uh last year. So that and I'm 38, so that should give you some relative idea of uh the age gap that was there. So my dad was in his 50s. Uh in the 80s, he was a stockbroker. Um, my mother was the bank teller that he would go see every Friday, so he would deposit all of his checks. He'd pull out$5,000 in play money every weekend, and my mom came from no money. So, as one could imagine, a uh cute young lady and a guy in his 50s that was in really great shape that had a lot of money, there was a draw that was there. So he courted her for about two years. Uh, then I came along, they got married. Um, dad was the breadwinner, mom really never had to work. Um at one point in time, mom was doing dad's taxes. That was not a good thing. Uh the IRS caught up to that and he owed them many millions of dollars. And um, oh, it was it was terrible, man. As a kid, we used to have the IRS come to our house and audit things and you know, turn stuff upside down and try to understand like how do you have all this stuff, but there's no money. Um, so that was that was a unique experience. But um, yeah, we uh let's see, I was born in Grand Island, Nebraska. Um, I I don't understand the whole story, but for some reason my grandmother grandmother took care of me for a little while um when my parents moved back to Colorado. Then uh I made it back down there, I think, when I was like nine months old. We lived there for about four years. I don't remember much of it because I was young. Um we moved out to Atlanta just because for some reason uh market obviously wasn't doing super well, so dad's job wasn't doing well. Mom got a job out here in Atlanta. Um God, we went from a beautiful, I mean, amazing house out in Colorado to a two-bedroom apartment, um, which for you know, a kid, you don't understand any of that. And you know, life happens, it is what it is. Um from there, I I didn't, I we didn't have a good relationship. Uh, me and my brother, uh, he was born at this time. We didn't have really a good relationship with my dad. He was he worked really hard, but he wasn't very um loving, nurturing, didn't spend a ton of time with us. I mean, his job is really work during the day, sit at home and watch football and golf on the couch, and and mom cooks and cleans and takes care of the kids. Um, only other relationship we really had with him, other than him picking us up from daycare, was if uh we pissed mom off, he whooped our ass. So we knew that you know, just don't don't make mom mad. And that went on for, I mean, the longest time. I remember, you know, as a kid, and like you don't know what money really, I mean, you know what money is, but you don't know to understand the value of it and you know what big numbers are. And I remember like the only thing we'd ever asked dad every day when he picked us up from daycare was, did you have a good day and how much money did you make? And he'd be like, Oh, 15,000, 30,000, 50,000, you know, even even to this day, I'm like, oh my God, that's crazy. And and I mean, it yeah, it was nuts. So fast forward, um I was definitely a mama's boy, and we spent, I mean, we spent so much time together. I mean, I learned so many great things from my mom early on, um, you know, how to cook, clean, decorate, all those kind of feminine type activities. And then I was probably 10 years old. My mom got really interested in going to my best friend's uh father's softball games, which kind of was odd to me. Um, but it was my best friend, so it was time to go hang out with him. And then one day she asked me, She's like, Hey, what do you think if like you had a dad like Brandon's dad? And I was like, Well, that's a weird question to ask. I was about 11 at this time. I'm like, that's a weird question to ask a kid. And I'm like, Well, he's cool, but he's not my dad. And and you know, my dad had shoulder issues, knee issues from skiing and football and whatnot. So he couldn't throw the ball and do all that with us when he was older. And so then about 12 years old, um, we went bowling for my brother's birthday. My mom really enjoyed it for whatever reason. Started going every night of the week by herself, which we thought was very odd. Um, even my father was like, What are you doing? She's like, Oh, I joined the league, it's so much fun. I need something to do other than just be at home. And then she got a job, which we also thought was odd because she didn't need a job. And uh fast forward, she asked me one day if uh once she'd saved up enough money if I wanted to go live with her. And I'm like, I don't, like, where's what do you mean? Where's dad gonna go? And she's like, Well, I think I'm gonna leave your dad. And I'm like, What? And I actually worked for my mom at the time. I was a bed runner at the tanning salon, which is a disgusting job. You just clean up people's sweat. And I just was like, this is just really weird. So then we we planned our annual family vacation down to Destin, Florida, and my mom was like, I can't go. And my dad's like, What the hell do you mean you can't go? This is the thing we always do, and oh, I can't go because of work. And he was like, Okay, so we go down there and we're having a good time. Um uh dad was kind of coming out of his shell a little bit at this time because he's you know the only parent there, so we you know got to do something fun with him, which generally just meant we would go to the arcade at the condo, we would then go eat a Buster's bar and grill, which I think is closed now down there, um, because they had uh one dollar a dozen oysters for between five and six, and that was his jam. So we would uh we would do that every day, and then I'll never forget we were driving, uh driving down the road. Mom called, and dad pulled into a uh uh some like marine shop. Um, and you could tell he was like visibly like struck by whatever she was saying, and he he gave me his card and he was like, just go in there and get whatever you guys want. So we go inside, and I'm like, they have life jackets, they have rudders, they had like oars and all this stuff that like no kid could care less about. I mean, it's a it's a marine shop. So we stayed in there for like 10 or 15 minutes and they called me and he's like, You can come back out. And I could tell he was crying, and I was like, Hey, what's going on? He's like, I'll tell you when we get to the condo. And he's like, Your your mom's been uh having affairs with not only your best friend Brandon's dad, but guys at the bowling alley, and at this point she's got uncurable diseases, and like I'm gonna have to leave your mom, and I'm like, Oh okay. And then he and I'm 13 or 12 or 13 at this point. He's like, Dustin, I didn't plan on having another family and not have any help. I'm gonna need your help. And I was like, Okay, yeah, like whatever you need. Um for about the next year, I guess I didn't realize how much stuff my mom did around the house. Our house turned into a freaking like pig style hoarding, like you put all those things together, and and it was it was disgusting. And I remember coming home one day and I couldn't even open the door from the garage into the laundry room because there were so many clothes. And finally that weekend, I was like, enough is enough. I've got to figure this out. Like, I've got to learn how to do the laundry and all these things. And so I remember I spent an entire day doing laundry for me, my brother, my sister, and my dad, folding it, putting it away. Uh, the next day I spent the entire day cleaning the kitchen, and for about the next two to three weekends, I just went room by room and cleaned the house. And then at that point, I was like, I don't want it to go back to what it was, and so I'm just gonna continue to maintain this because dad can't do it. Then, you know, mowed the grass, edged, trimmed the bushes, all the things. And my dad, I mean, my dad was because he couldn't do it, he was great. He'd he would, you know, give me an allowance and take us to the mall and stuff. That was kind of his love language, you know, gifts, uh, because he was not very affectionate by any means. It was very hard to even get him to say, I'm proud of you. And yeah, and then we had a a pretty solid relationship from like 13 to 19 or 20. Um, you know, we we spent a lot of time sitting out on the deck. Uh, my dad smoked cigars like a banshee. I'm surprised he didn't get lung cancer. Um, he would sprinkle probably six to eight cigars a day. And uh, and actually backtrack a little bit from 13, and this is a stupid thing that I did. I didn't know my dad was an alcoholic. He never drank from the time I was a baby to 13. But I knew that he used to work um for Kendall Jackson and some other um uh spear, or not spear companies, but wine companies. And he always told me stories about when he was younger, about having a good time with his friends and drinking and scotch and all this stuff. So I remember one time when I was 13, I was cashing my check at the liquor store um across the street from the scratch Italian kitchen that I used to work at. And this uh older lady I worked with, I was like, Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you buy my dad a bottle of Glenn Levitt scotch as a gift from me? And she was like, You're 13, like I can't give you a bottle of scotch. And then she was like, Why don't what 13-year-old drinks scotch? Yeah, that's fine. And so she buys this bottle. My dad picks me up and I give it to him. I was like, Hey, I just want to tell you, you know, that I'm sorry about what mom did. And and I and I love you, and I know that you used to have a good time with your friends with this, so I just wanted you to have this. And he was like, Oh my God, I mean, thank you. Well, little did I know that he was an alcoholic in the past, and then for the next from 13 to 17, it was it was just a down downhill spiral. And that and honestly, and this is sad to say, but most of my best memories were those four years because that's when we spent the most time together. Um, and I mean, there's also some bad memories from that time as well. But then uh we had an ex-stripper move into our house when I was about 17, and this is where the alcoholism or the alcohol stopped. She lived in our house for about nine to 12 months. I think my dad was trying to date her. I don't know what was going on there because he let her take his bedroom. He slept in a different bedroom. It was really weird. And then one night, I guess he said something wildly inappropriate to her when he was drunk, and then she was like, No, I'm either out or you're stopping. So he stopped, he went to AA, and then um for the next two to three years, things were good, but I was kind of an adult at that time. Um, I was used to buying my own clothes, my own shampoo, my own food from like 16. Um, I didn't really want to rely on him because I knew the financial strain he was already under. And so when I lived in the basement and I actually ended up at like 16 years old, um, redid our entire basement. So it was like my little man cave or whatever. And it was it was kind of like my safe space or sanctuary to get away from all the the mess and the the lack of affection or whatnot. Like I literally created my own safety container. I I went in and out through the back door in the basement, and it wasn't out of avoidance. I just I knew I think deep down that things weren't normal. And so I ended up, unfortunately at 16, heavily leaning into alcohol because I was like, well, dad does it, and he seems to have a good time, so I'll try it. And obviously the first time's the the worst time ever. And and then I I just consistently continued to go down that road and was like, hey, I feel looser and more free when I do this, and people seem to like me more. And because my dad is old and goes to bed at 7 or 8 p.m., we can have parties at my house in the basement, and and dad never knew, and so and you know, we did this for years and years. Um, I think at 17 I got arrested twice. Um, the first time was on Thanksgiving night. Um, I was I playing music way too loud, took a right-hand turn, tires squealed. There was the only cop in the city of Cumming sitting right there. Starts follow me, and you know, what does any 17-year-old do? Do you slow down? No, I went faster, and so I ended up getting pulled over, going 95 into 35. I got reckless driving, a speeding ticket, and then eventually a DUI. They didn't know right away. And then one would think that would make me slow down when they took my license away. I was just like, no, I I can drink whenever I want now because my friends get to drive me around. Nine months later, I got underage possession of alcohol. Um, and then I went to college right after that, had to get driven to and from college from friends, so I had to align with their class schedules, which was a pain. And then I was at 19, I was working, or no, I'm sorry, at 18, I was working five days a week, school two days a week. The only days off I had were Thanksgiving and Christmas Day. And so then I lost my scholarship because I was partying too much. And I remember going to my dad and saying, Hey, um, tuition's due. And I just got my license back. And I was like, tuition's due. Um, can I borrow money? And he's like, What makes you think that if you were using the state's money and you just let it all go to hell, that using my money is going to change your behavior?

SPEAKER_00 14:08

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SPEAKER_03 14:51

And I was like, Well, you're probably right. And he's like, Well, you've been working hard. He's like, You need to buy a car or you need to pay for tuition. What are you gonna do? And what does any 18-year-old do? They buy a car. And so I uh I bought a car and and that kind of accelerated the behavior. And and I think my dad was really frustrated with me, but at the same time, I don't think he reined it in because I had done so much over those five years to try to help around the house um and to help with him. He ended up getting cancer, um, but we didn't know, he wouldn't tell anybody. And at this point, his uh you know private investment banking and stockbroker career had kind of went to shit. Um, it just didn't exist anymore. Um, he only had two real clients. Um and he was living off Social Security. Um I remember from 13 to 18, I can't tell you how many times like the water department or the uh gas department was coming out to turn off the gas or the water. And my dad would say, Hey, run out there and go tell them uh that your dad's gotta take a shower real quick, and if they could just give me five minutes, and I'll be down there today or tomorrow to to pay the bill. And I and you know, you're a kid, you don't know the difference. So I'd run out there and say something. And um, so there was a lot of that. And then I I think I just did at 18, I was just like, you know what, I I need to start paving my own way. I'm gonna pay all my own bills, buy my own food, you know, the only thing I didn't pay was rent, and at about 22, uh, and I was spending a lot of time at Friends at this point. I there was one the only two bad fights my dad had ever had, me and my dad ever had. I'd found a I made friends with a guy I worked with and went over to his house. His parents lived in this beautiful house. They were both together. They were this seemingly perfect couple. They had a houseboat, a pontoon boat, jet skis, uh fifth wheel, all this stuff. And so every weekend they'd be like, Do you want to come to the lake? Of course you do, as a young man. And I would go there and they were so hospitable. And I I finally felt like for the first time I was being treated like a kid. And like, even though I was a young man, everyone always told me, like, man, you had to grow up way too fast. I'm like, I grew up how I grew up, I don't know the difference. And everyone always said, You grew up way too fast, you grew up way too fast. And when I would go to their house, I just felt like I could let my hair down and just be. And I didn't have to do anything, I didn't have to pick anything up, and it was awesome. And so I was there all the time. And I remember one Friday I had packed a couple of things up, did my chores real quick, and I'm out the door. My dad's like, Where the hell are you going again? I'm like, I'm going to mama and papa real's house. And he's like, Why don't you just pack your shit and move the fuck out? And I looked at him and I'm like, What? He's like, You're never here anymore. And I was just like, Well, maybe I don't want to be here. And so he was pissed, I was pissed, I left, of course. And this went on for you know the longest time, and finally at about 21, 22 years old, I uh I met my first wife, and we were dating. Uh I knew things were going downhill fast for my dad, but I didn't know how fast. And I remember one night she had stayed, stayed at my dad's house. I came upstairs, I was going to work really early, and I look in the living room, and my mother and her boyfriend are sleeping on our couch. And I'm like, what? And this is the dude, one of the guys that my mom cheated on my dad with. And my mom was a habitual drug user. Completely my and my mom's absolutely terrible. She completely abandoned us for sure. And even told me one time around 20 years old, uh, when me and her were, I was trying to rekindle this relationship because I just wanted something. And I remember her telling me, What I love about you, Dustin, is you're grown up now, you can come and go as you please. I don't have to take care of you like your brother and sister. And that totally rocked me. I'm like, you don't, as a parent, you don't have that choice. Like once you bring somebody into the world, like that is that is your that is your obligation. And and it really rocked me to the core. And so much so, even about two weekends later, she had the kids come over. And I'm sorry this is a little all over the place, Josh, but she had my brother and sister come over, and they were supposed to stay there for the weekend. And on uh Saturday afternoon I went and picked them up because it was too much for one day. And so she uh she's on the couch sleeping with uh her boyfriend or whatever at the time. My young self wants to just lose it. And my uh she was my girlfriend at the time. She was like, babe, get in the car, go to work. I'm sure there's an explanation. So I get home that afternoon, I'm like, Dad, I don't know if you're absolutely fucking crazy or the most forgiving person on this earth. What in the world are they doing here? And he's like, Your mama's gonna be living on the street, and she's the you know, mother of my children. I just couldn't do that. I was like, How is this gonna work? And he's like, I don't know, but we'll figure it out. I'm like, mom's a drug user. I'm like, and I don't even know what to say about this guy. And so at that point, I was like, I have gotta get out of here. I don't, I don't feel safe here anymore. I'm not a part of any of the decision making. I've been the one that's been the mom for the last, you know, three, four, five, six years. And so I told uh told my girlfriend at the time, I'm like, hey, um I want to go buy a house. And she's like, no, I think you need to get an apartment and get some roommates. I'm like, nope, I'm not, I'm not doing that. I don't want to live with anybody else. I just want to be with you. And she was Catholic, and she's like, Well, I can't live with you, which is funny thing, you could sleep with me, but you couldn't live with me, which I thought was just an oxymoron in and of itself. But she's like, Can't live with you um unless, you know, we're married. Um, she was uh didn't she was uh from Brazil, didn't have her papers, so yeah, I guess it worked out for her so and me. So we get married, we get our own place. My dad is furious, and he's like, he was trying to reverse mortgage his home because he was gonna lose it. And he's like, Why didn't you buy my home? I'm like, Dad, I can't afford it. I'm like, and here's the reality, even if you sold it to me at what I could afford, you'd have to come to the table with the the balance, which you don't have, and then ultimately I'm still living in your house. It was like the dynamic's not gonna change where I'm in charge, and I kick mom and Leo out and all this kind of stuff. And so he was pissed. I moved out, and then he uh he had terrible credit, he had decent credit for a minute, and then he co-signed for a lady's car in AA, which uh then as one would imagine in two months she couldn't pay for it, and they were after him. So his credit went to crap, and he was trying to get satellite TV, and he's like, Could you, you know, could you uh sign up for satellite TV for me? And I said, I can, but only if you pay the bill. And he says, Okay, so this is December. So I set this up for him. It's like 70 bucks a month, and he is paying the bill initially. And Christmas Eve uh is where everything starts going downhill. He ends up falling down the stairs, uh, pretty nasty fall. And uh Leo and my brother are the ones that help him up, paramedics get there, they get him to the hospital, we get a phone call, I show up there. And um, you know, I see my dad and and he's kind of banged up, but he's okay. And I didn't think much of it at the time. Uh I ended up, we left that night. And then about a month or so later, he starts going to the hospital all the time. And I'm like, what's what's going on with dad? And then everyone's like, ah, he's just older, and but he won't tell anybody anything. And so he's going to the hospital all the time. Uh little did we know he had uh stage four colon cancer at the time. Um, nothing they can do, especially with his his age and his health. And he didn't have the money to get any sort of treatment the the years prior and whatnot. So I think he was just, I think he really gave up two years prior and just didn't say anything to anybody because he felt that he couldn't protect us anymore. And so we we hit March of that year. It's my sister's birthday. Um, she's you know, becoming a young woman. My dad can't afford clothes or anything for her. Um, we we feel terrible, me and my my wife at the time, and we're like, hey, let's go pick her up, let's take her out, we'll go to Coles and get her some clothes and all this kind of stuff. So I get to the house, pick her up, and uh we take her out to lunch, get her clothes, we end up bringing her home. And uh we we show my dad all the stuff that we got her, and he's like, Thank you so much. You know, I couldn't have done it without you guys. My mom comes downstairs, it's probably four or five in the afternoon. She just woke up. Um, and she's like, Why did you buy her all these slutty clothes? And I'm like, I would never buy my sister slutty clothes. Like, these are age appropriate, they're not, you know, not half the stuff you see kids today wear. And so I think she was just pissed because we could do something that she couldn't and never would. And so a couple weeks go by, and I stop by the house. Um, last time I stopped by the house, and there's this awful smell downstairs, and my dad's laying in his recliner. My brother is passed out downstairs, and my brother at this point, he's 17, already an alcoholic. And but my brother's also the one that's been taking my dad to the hospital. My brother had a full ride golf scholarship to a Christian college in Florida. He lost it because of um, you know, his grades, attendance, everything. He's lucky, he even graduated. He had a counselor that really liked him. But so my brother's passed out downstairs, and I wasn't upset with him at all because he's been doing, he was doing everything that I I wasn't and couldn't. And so I see my dad, and it's like, I'm like, Dad, what do you why don't you go to like get up and go to the bathroom? He's like, I can't. Like, I can't get out of my chair without help. Like, why is nobody up and helping you? And he's like, Well, Devin was helping me all night, and your mom doesn't get up till four or five. And I was like, This is bullshit. And I was like, what is this smell down here? And he's like, It's my diapers in the bathroom. Like, what? And so I go upstairs to wake my mom up, and I'm like, and I'm like, get the fuck up and come downstairs. And so she comes downstairs, and yeah, it took her probably 20 to 30 minutes to come to. And so she comes downstairs. I'm like, what is going on here? I'm like, this man has let you squat in his house for months and ask for nothing but a little bit of help. And all you do is drugs and sleep all day and night, get up for a little bit, eat some of the food that he's provided. I'm like, you guys, this is ridiculous. I'm like, you know, there's diapers piled up in the bathroom. She's like, you don't know how disgusting it is to take care of him and be around him. And he's sitting right there. And I'm like, I don't care how disgusting it is. I mean, you you left us. And then you come back, and this man, you know, by the grace of God, lets you back in here because I wouldn't have. And all he's asking for is a little bit of help, and you you guys just can't even help him. And so I had it out with her, and then we leave. And uh, as as we're leaving, my dad says, Hey, um, or I said something. I said, or I came back one more time. So a week later, I come back to check on it to make sure everything's okay. And he's actually sitting outside um in the garage in a chair, and I was just like, Dad, God, you look like shit and you need to shave, man. And he at this point he'd lost about 100 pounds. So he was a big guy. So he was my height, so 5'11, but he was a big burly guy, 300 pounds. I think he was about 180 at this point. I mean, he was a just a shell of what he was. And I'm leaving, and he's like, You took the one thing left that I cared about in my life. And I'm like, What? And he says, The cable, you turned it off. I'm like, Dad, because you don't ever pay the bill. I'm like, Dad, I I don't have a lot of money, I didn't make crap back then. And and I was like, Dad, I just couldn't afford it. And he's like, Yeah, and again, you took the one thing away that that I still love. And I'm like, and I at the moment I didn't realize it, but as I look back, I'm like, man, you had two kids in the house. I mean, you didn't love them, like, and so I was just like, okay. So as I'm leaving, my my wife at the time says, You need to tell your dad you love him. And I'm like, no, my dad knows I love him. Um it's fine. So I leave. Father's Day rolls around. I don't reach out to my dad. I I think if anything, I was just, and embarrassingly, at this point, I think I was just frustrated and ashamed that he just seems like he just gave up. And then a couple days pass, my grandmother calls me. I'll never forget. I was at a at the Publix here in Lawrenceville grabbing cheesecake and a bottle of wine for me and my wife. And um my grandmother calls me and she says, Hey, how's your dad doing? And I said, I think he's fine. They moved him in a home because mom didn't want to help, and you know, Devin was exhausted, and and Leo works, and so they moved him in a home. And last I heard he was okay. And she's like, No, your dad's an ICU. I'm like, What? Like, he's not an ICU, I would have heard. And she's like, Well, you wouldn't have heard because and this is my my grandmother is the mother of my mom, so it's her, her daughter. And she's like, No, your mother has told him he has no next of kin and only to contact her. And so she tells me the hospital, I call the hospital, and I'm like, hey, I'm his I'm his oldest son. And they're like, you need to get down here immediately. And so I'm like, okay, so I call out of work, I go down to the hospital, and my dad is in ICU on an intubator. He's got all kinds of stuff plugged into him. So he's in a you know, chemically induced coma or whatever. And I am just blown away that in two months we went from being able to sit in a chair and talk to this. And so the doctor comes in and he's like, uh, hey, Mr. Lundy, you know, we've we've got your dad's file. And I'm like, what is going on? And he's like, well, he's had colon cancer for quite some time. I'm like, this is the first time hearing this. And he's like, yeah, he's got diverticulitis and blood poisoning as well. Um, where we've just got him stabilized, but the only thing we can do is just keep him on machines. He's he's not gonna make it through this. And so I'm crying, and I'm like, okay, well, let me call his oldest daughter from his first uh marriage. So I called this, uh I called Deborah and I'm like, hey, you know, this is what's going on. And she's upset, obviously. And she's like, you know, dad told me he never wanted to live on life support. And I'm like, yeah, he told me the same thing. And I was like, candidly, other than you know, us kids, like, he's got nothing to live for. He's gonna lose the house, he has no money. And so we end up deciding the next day to take him off life support. We do um as a family, and it was a it was a whole racket. My aunt came up the night before. Her and my brother went and got drunk at the pool. My brother's only 17 at the time. So they get drunk. Now he was eight, he just turned 18. So they get drunk at the pool. It pisses my mom off. My aunt leaves, who's supposed to be there to support us, the only halfway decent figure that we had. And so it's just, you know, me, my ex-wife, we're trying to figure out funeral arrangements. My mom, her boyfriend, my brother and sister. And uh, we take him off life support around I think three or four in the afternoon. They said it'd only be a couple of minutes. He was a stubborn guy. Uh, he lasted until about 9:30. And um, yeah, and then, you know, after that, I remember going to I had my sister stay with us. I went to our house the next day. I grabbed all of her belongings. I'd found out my mom's plan was to that when my dad died, she was just gonna squat in the house and take his social security checks. And and I I I had it out with her for about three hours and just told her, like, there's no way whether my dad was living and you abandoned us or dead, you're gonna take advantage of him anymore moving forward.

unknown 30:36

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 30:36

And so I took my sister in when she was uh uh 12 at this point, um, and we raised her until she was 18. And um, you know, it was a it was a mess, you know, for about six months with her, and then I have had obviously zero relationship with her and and obviously my father, and then my uh this family I spoke of that I used to go and see all the time. Um they they were the one solid rock and paper reel, his name was David specifically, was like my other father figure that I could lean into. Um he died four years later. No, not even because we were living in Florida, so three years later. And I'll never forget that's actually Josh when I I basically put my middle finger up to God and I was like, How did you take the two men that mean the most to me in my life away from me? And then for the next 10 years, I did the whole lone wolf thing where it was all on me, and I didn't lean into any relationship with God or anything until about 18 months ago. And then uh, you know, finally realized that I can't carry the world, and and then you know, lean back into my faith and you know, here we are.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

Thank you for sharing.

SPEAKER_02 31:53

You you shared a lot when you think about your dad how would you describe your relationship with him emotionally in the early stages distant uh when my mom left for the next like five years respectful. I think he respected me and I respected him.

SPEAKER_03 32:24

I I think he he was a good guy, he was just dealt a bad hand. Um you know, the last couple of years, very distant again. I think he was frustrated with me, I was frustrated with him. Um neither one of us were really good with words at that time. We were both, you know, alpha males, and it was if we were gonna talk about it, it was gonna turn into some big explosion. So yeah, it wasn't I I always tell everybody like he just he he wasn't a bad dad. He just it just was a a crappy situation.

SPEAKER_00 33:06

Do you ever recall you sharing with him that you loved him? And do you recall times where he verbally expressed that, you know, Dustin, I love you. You're my son.

SPEAKER_03 33:19

Yeah. Yeah, we between again that that 13 to 18 period for sure. Um, prior to that, you know, life was a scorecard. If if I didn't have a good batting average, if I didn't have good grades, like it was I was terrified of my dad prior to that. I man, I I remember the first year I played baseball and I got picked to the best team, and that was a mistake. I don't know what that coach, I was like the charity pick. I would crowd the plate so bad, hopefully to get hit so I could get on base, because my dad would be yelling from the bleachers, Lundy, swing the F and bat. And and if I I didn't get a hit, if I dropped the ball, you know, my parents drove separately, so that should have told me something too. Um if he'd say, Ride home with me, I want to talk to you about the game, and I'd be like, No, I'm gonna ride with mom. And if I came home with a B, it was like, you know, why why did why didn't you get an A? And so, and that created a lot of perfectionism, you know, in my life. And there's there, and I, you know, I hate to say it there, even though it's not a good trait, it's it's something that has benefited me in some capacity. Um, you know, but the downside of that, when when you're a father or even a parent in general, is when you create this perfectionism in your kids and everything is about a scorecard, they carry that out into their adulthood. And it's it's it's not a good place to be because if you're not performing, you feel like you're failing. And that's that's the same way I felt, you know, even from 13 to 18. If I wasn't performing and doing stuff that I knew that dad needed at the end of the day, I felt like I was failing him.

SPEAKER_00 34:54

You get an opportunity to walk through your dad's death. Yeah. Did you have opportunity or did you have capacity to speak to your dad areas of your life that you may have been frustrated in at the bedside, you know, during No, because he was he was in a coma.

SPEAKER_03 35:18

I think the uh this the second time I went there, that second morning before I ever anyone else got there, the the lady told me, even though he can't respond to you, he can hear you. And I said, Dad, I love you. And I saw like his face kind of move, and then a tear come down, and I was just like, Oh my god. And that was and I knew I knew that he loved me, but it was just like, what a what a terrible situation to you. I wish I would have said that to him the last time I saw him.

SPEAKER_00 35:51

Did you ever get a chance to look into his past as far as what drove his performance, what drove his his behavior?

SPEAKER_03 35:59

Yes, I never because he was born in 34, like I never met his parents, but I know the stories that he had shared. Um he was also a relatively rebellious teenager. Um, he played a lot, he played uh football and basketball, um, was good at both sports. And uh his dad, though, was the principal of his high school. And his dad, I don't know if his father was in the military or not, but he was very militant. And he always had to have a certain amount of money in his savings account just because if something happens, you were not allowed to um have a beard or a five o'clock shadow at school. You had to be clean shaven, which that's why that comment, Dad, you look like shit, you need to shave came out. Um, if he did go to school, um, you know, not in his dad's, you know, uh prescribed attire and wasn't clean shaven, he would send him home. And for every minute he missed school, he had to make up double time cleaning up gum and stuff on the bleachers. Um yeah, he was he but from what I can tell too, he was always he was also very performance-based. And although he was present, he was absentee as far as like that emotional connection that a father should have with their son. That that I really never had with my dad. Like me and my son have a way different relationship than my dad and me had.

SPEAKER_00 37:25

I want to move to your mom. Uh is your mom still living?

SPEAKER_02 37:31

Maybe.

unknown 37:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:33

When's the last time you saw her?

SPEAKER_03 37:36

Uh my grandfather's funeral about three years ago. And she uh so she is 58 now and she looks like she's 90.

unknown 37:45

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 37:45

She's I mean, basically a hunchback. Uh can barely walk without help. Uh she can't drive uh because of uh DUIs from pills. Um she can't eat like a normal person because her you know uh digestive system is so messed up from all the drug abuse. She did, we did, she did say one thing to me. She said, Uh, you look great. I would love to meet your son someday, which really pissed me off because she had the opportunity when he was born. And uh we laid down some ground rules. There'll be no drugs in the house, there'll be no smoking, and that pissed her off. She said, You can't tell your mother what to do. And I said, It's my house and it's my son. Yes, I can. And so she uh got sick uh at the last minute and couldn't come. So she wanted to she wanted to meet him and he wasn't there. And I just showed her the highlight reel on my phone of you know my son and how amazing he is. And um, and that was the last time we talked. And then I uh I wrote her a letter this year, and I didn't want to send it to her directly. So I sent it to my uncle and I said, Could you send this to her? And so he did. And my uh, I guess her husband, the guy that she'd been with for forever, they got married finally. He said, uh, we don't he responded back to my uncle, we don't have time for this shit. She he said, your sister and their mother has been in the hospital twice in the last month. On uh the last one was a two-week stint and she's almost dead, and no one's cared to reach out. I'm like, why? One, we don't communicate, and two, how would I know? And so recently, because I've really been trying to lean into this idea of forgiveness, and not necessarily for them, um, but but for me, which was a big part of that letter. It was a long letter. Um, and I told her at the end, I was like, you know, I I forgive you, not because you asked for it, not because you deserve it, but because I've become the man that I need to be for me. And um I actually finally unblocked her on social medias, reached out to her just to see you know how she's doing, if she's still kicking. No response. I know she's active on there. Um, you know, my wife sees her, you know, post stuff from time to time, but yeah, that's yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:59

Have you have you jumped into her story as far as you know, you can kind of look inside someone's life, and there are key events that take place either in childhood or adolescence where you can kind of point back and say this moment, this decision, this event has a lot to say about why she became the way she became.

SPEAKER_03 40:24

Yeah. Hers, honestly, Josh, is a mystery. She had a you know, the the the interesting thing about her brothers and sisters, her and her sister are both very heavy into it, into either alcohol or some sort of drug abuse. They're they're almost their entire adult lives, which is weird because that's not something that existed in the in her household growing up. Like at grandma's house or her mom's house, there is no alcohol, there's no nothing. And her real father passed away early on. Um, I don't even know if she remembers him, but her um, you know, stepfather, whatnot, which is which I know is my grandpa, great guy, you know, worked hard his whole life, never drank, never did drugs. It was a seemingly great household. I've never heard anything from my uncles about, oh man, growing up was tough. They're always just like, yeah, you know, it was you know, loved mom, dad, all this kind of stuff. She married my father early on. So it's not like she had a bunch of other relationships where she had, you know, they were doing all these things. My dad never did drugs. I remember for years my mom was battling depression and would just lay in bed all day and and smoke cigarettes. And and then I don't know if it was when she started going out, you know, with these these other men, if that's where she started getting access to, you know, party drugs and all this kind of stuff, and that's where it started. But um, I I think I think more than anything, she was probably really drawn to the idea of my father and his money. But what she didn't take into account was he's not always gonna have all this money, he's not always gonna be this, you know, 50-year-old that's in great shape. Eventually he's gonna get older. And, you know, I remember at one point she told me it's she's like, it's not even like having a husband, it's like having another dad. And instead of them having an honest conversation and, you know, potentially going a different direction, um, you know, she she did it, you know, more the coward's way.

SPEAKER_00 42:34

Yeah. It gets into, and we're not going to go into it today, obviously, but the mindset of individualism versus generational thinking. And for whatever reason, America, we live in a very individualistic society. And this idea of generational faithfulness is like a mystery. But you look inside of other cultures that have a long-standing history. Yeah. This idea that the decisions I make won't only affect me, but also be passed on to my kids, their kids, or is a reflection of my my family. You know, use the word grandfather. I so love that term. Um, we have to set up this idea of generational faithfulness. And when I say yes to you, it means yes to you, despite what it might cost me. Yeah, and we just don't know that what that looks like as far as commitment, as far as like, hey, if this person don't make you happy anymore, tough. You married this person that you're anyway. So the uh we're not going to unpack that. You mentioned 18 months ago something happened. Would you mind sharing that with me? Do you have an incredible story of overcoming the home that you were raised in? Or maybe the father wounds that were placed inside your life? If so, I want to share it with other dudes without Simply go to DueswithoutDads Podcast.com and apply to be a guest on the show. The reason it's important to share your story is because when you share what God has done for you, it helps other men believe that God can do it for them, and He can. To share your story, head over to Dues Without Dads Podcast today.

SPEAKER_03 44:26

Yeah, I won't I won't go into full con I'll give you as much as I can. So I had acquired another business, and on the outside, like everything looked great. And I was really, really leaning heavily into this hustle culture idea and being very self-serving, me, me, me, me, me. It was very off-putting to some clients in my other business. Uh, so we went through a lot of volatility there. And as we were going through this period, uh, you know, Monday through Friday, I held it together. Saturday and Sunday, I tore it down. And what I mean by that is I just I drank and and you know, just basically drank. I don't do drugs, but um just drank myself to death and and and had way too much fun, quote unquote. And um my wife and I started to get very distant. Um, you know, even though we lived in the same household and all those things, we just I think she was didn't love the man that I was being, and I didn't love the fact that I thought I was doing the things that a man should do, which is provide, and she didn't seem happy with it. And then lo and behold, um, you know, one night I guess the the devil thought it was a good idea to put uh a shiny object in front of me. And and I said, Yeah, let's, you know, if this if this young lady, you know, gives me attention and then I'm not getting at home, then you know, maybe this is what I'm supposed to be doing. And then I woke up the next day, you know, on the couch downstairs. My wife comes downstairs and she's like, What the hell are you doing sleeping down here? I'm like, I don't know. I I I don't remember. And she's like, Okay, well, that's not good. Uh, and then about a week went by, and then there were some accusations that there was some inappropriate behavior that night. And then my uh my wife was like, What the hell happened? I'm like, I don't know. And so she was like, Look, you need to go get tested then if you don't know, and heaven forbid something comes back, like I don't I can't do this, and so I did, and yeah, everything came back fine. And but before that, though, I remember I sat down with a gentleman who's more of like a transformational type coach, and I told him, you know, everything that happened, and he knew my story. And he was like, Dustin, I'm gonna be honest with you. He's like, There's nothing you could have done, no guardrail, no anything, that this was not gonna happen at some point. And he was like, and here's here's the sad thing, it's gonna get worse before it gets better. And he's like, You need a guardian right now. And he's like, I want you to read this book from wise man to wild man, uh or from wild man to wise man. Um, and then he gave me another book. He's like, These are gonna be your survival guides, and then then we need to chat. And then I had some other great mentors at the time, and and I just remember going on a walk one day, and I hadn't prayed in you know 10 years, and I was just like, God, I don't, I don't know what I've done, and I'm so sorry that I've been so distant for so long, but I can't do this on my own. And I came home and I was like, babe, I need to talk to you. And she was like, Yeah. And I said, Look, I'm gonna go get some help and I'm gonna start going back to church. You don't have to go back to church if you don't want to, but I'm gonna go back to church. I'd like to take, you know, William, our son. You know, if Liliana, her daughter, I'm like, if she wants to go, that's totally great. If you want to go, that's totally great. But but I need to do these things for me and I'm gonna make a change. And so we started going back um, you know, together to church. It was actually the church I was I was going to when I was in my late teens where I got baptized, and and so we were doing that for a while, and you know, it's funny, I ended up I ended up investing in not that coach. I mentioned another you know, transformational type coach, and there's you know a lot of stuff that goes on there, but um which is where the letter writing and everything came from. But the interesting thing about this past 12 months has been that I didn't realize how much trauma I had gone through as a kid. I just called it a normal life because that's all I knew. And then as we started unpacking all this stuff, and there's a lot more to the story. Uh my coach was like, Dustin, this is not this is not normal. He's like, it may be normal to you, but there's a lot of stuff in here that's he was like, you know, he was like, you know, your your dad was 300 pounds. Why did he let himself go? Like, why didn't you rap? I was like, I don't know, I just my dad was 300 pounds. I thought that was normal. And you know, so I started going down this journey, and then you know, it's funny, it's funny now, even last Sunday, man. I pulling into church, I got tears in my eyes. My it was actually my son's birthday this last Sunday. Cutest kid in the world, man. He's just he turned nine. And uh, we're walking in, and he's like, Dad, do you uh or I said, Do you want to go to Sunday school? And he goes, No, Dad, I don't want you to be alone because my my stepdaughter was sick, and so Amanda stayed home. And he's like, I don't want you to be alone. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna sit with you. I'm like, buddy, I I got 700 other people in Jesus with me. I'm good. And he's like, No, dad, I really want to be with you. And I said, Okay, and so we're sitting in the lobby, and this this young man, he's like, Daddy, I want to get baptized. And like, I have not pushed this on him, nothing. And I'm like, Really? It's like, well, we need to have a little bit deeper conversation about what all, you know, what all that means. And and he's like, Okay, he's like, Did you ever get baptized? I said, Yes, sir, 16 years ago, right at this church. And he's like, Really, on that stage? I'm like, Yeah. And he's like, Wow. Then he opens up his Bible and starts reading scripture, and these people are looking at him, and I'm like, Yeah, I don't know. I didn't do this. This is this is God and this kid. We sit down and you know, as they're as they're doing the sermon, my my as you know, they're telling uh saying scripture and stuff, my son's like, Yeah, that's David, Dad. I'm like, Yeah, man, that is he's just he's just such a such a breath of fresh air and everything, like I would pray for a young man to be. And and I think that in large part, like that wouldn't exist if I didn't pivot and lean into God because he wouldn't have these experiences.

SPEAKER_00 50:40

Yeah. Um we jumped on today because to do a get to know you. Right. If it's okay with you, I'd like to close in prayer. And I'm gonna hit the stop, and then I'm gonna end up sending you my cell number, and I'd love to to develop any type of friendship or anything like that if you'd be open to it.

SPEAKER_03 51:06

For sure.

SPEAKER_00 51:07

I didn't even get to share my story a whole lot. I don't know if you know anything about you know why I started dudes without dads or the the goal here, but it's basically your entire story. Um dudes without dads means that you can be born with a father, but he might be absent, distracted, or destructive. And when you're growing up, you don't know which one you got, you just think that's normal. Yeah, well, once you get older, you realize you had identity issues, you had addiction issues, and you're gonna pass those things on to your children and their children's children. Well, what do we have to do to stop it? How do we break cycles? That's why dudes without dads exist. And so thank you for sharing your story today. I'm gonna close in prayer and hit the stop button and say, Okay. Yeah, Father, I thank you for today. I thank you for your presence, your goodness, your power, your authority, and your kingdom and your presence, God. I pray that in the mighty name of Yeshua HaMashiach, from the top of Dustin's head, from the bottom of his feet, that you would remind him how much you love him. Clothe him in your righteousness, give him the gift of your spirit and your presence and your power and your authority in his life, and help him to break and introduce new cycles and new kingdoms and new legacies inside of his family. May he be where everything starts and he ran for Dustin, may the foundation be Christ. Everything that you tell him to do, may he say yes to, and just help him to identify the things that he needs to say yes to and the things he needs to say no to. And just give us grace as we continue to try to move forward inside of the kingdom of God. It's in your precious son's name we pray. Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 52:56

Forgiveness is more for you than that. I had inner peace for the first time in my life. It's just Jesus. Just Jesus.