Smut, Comparison & Body Image: What No One Talks About | Chaela Yankah

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Chapters:

01:30 — Growing Up a “Good Girl”… But I Wasn’t

04:18 — How It Started (And Why It Hooks You So Young)

07:18 — From Harmless to Hooked (No One Talks About This)

10:23 — Living a Double Life in Church

16:12 — Why Lust Isn't Mentioned in Church 

59:13 — How I Overcame Lust

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

As soon as I hit puberty, I started developing trust just certain remarks that may just be saying certain things to me. I'm like, oh you know, you're already insecure with something. Then someone just kind of amplifies that insecurity pornography. Like that was like a big one. And I was like in primary because my parents found out. I think I was ear f5 or something. Mama asked me, Why did you do it? I just stood there. I just stood there. I didn't know I did it. I just did that.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

What had that had a tokehold on me all my days, it's smudy books. It would be like the money. Just randomly saying the Lord's Prayer. And I'm like, right now.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Fear of missing out, living a certain lifestyle that you think is dustilling, but is maybe not fulfilling. I remember when I came to university, but it was Treasures Week. Like the way that I just bottles upon bottles. If I say something that is taboo, yeah, it shouldn't trigger you. But if it's triggering you, it means that there is something that needs to be healed. When it comes to boldness, boldness is paired with authenticity. When you are authentically yourself, that's when I feel you can be bold.

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Before we dive in, smash that subscribe and follow button. It really helps us keep dropping real, raw content just like this. Also, check out the merch in the description. Every purchase supports charity is helping young people who've been bullied. And so if you want to support even more, you can also donate. Links below. Grab the merch, represent the message, and be part of something powerful. Let's go.

SPEAKER_02 1:29

So excited for this episode. Obviously, we know each other from church, and then we also went to like youth summer together at New Day. So it's just it's so nice to see you again. Now that we're at university and like we knew each other during the Sikform college days. So oh, it's such a nice refresher.

Growing Up a “Good Girl”… But I Wasn’t

SPEAKER_02 1:50

Yeah. So Shayella, before people knew you as someone so grounded in faith and in Jesus Christ, who were you when you were around 15 or 16, like growing up in North London? From Enns?

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Um well I would say maybe like because I got my life to Christ in 88, so I guess I was like 13 then. But okay, like before that, um before what people knew me as. Um I'd say I'd say people like knew me as like I was very talkative, like I'm very like, my like called me, I had this nickname called Chatterbox, I remember, like in primary school, and um I like and you know once he was kind of telling you that sometimes it ends up becoming insecurity um later on, which like now, see I use now like in a positive way, but at the time is kind of like oh you she's a lot, you know. Um uh I think yeah, I kind of was just like I've always been like had this not been like everyone else, or I know everyone like I say that, but you know, more of oh I don't feel the need to do what everyone else is doing, um like that kind of um stance. Um and then I'd say like just in those early teen years, just um kind of going to school, coming home, you know, sometimes feeling like you know, living on that airplane mode, waiting for something to happen, but kind of like oh nothing's happening. Um I'd say I was kinda like in that um that kind of frame, I guess, like still going to church, still doing these things, but feeling like I know there's something wrong and something needs to happen, like something needs to like basically shift, but I didn't know how that was gonna come about.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

When you say you knew there was something wrong and something needed to shift, what do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_00 3:59

I think just like having this like true persona, like going to church and like going on a Christian home, but then having this like other persona of like I know that I'm in like I was in deep sin and I'm like I didn't know what to do with this because you know you your perception of yourself is that I'm

How It Started (And Why It Hooks You So Young)

SPEAKER_00 4:21

a good girl, like I'm a goodie two shoes, but really that that sin is like I saying otherwise, but then you kind of don't know what to do with it, but then you also keep finding yourself coming back to it, and so I didn't know what to do at that point. Well, obviously, I didn't know that it was I need to give my eye to Christ, but I just need to know that something needs to happen. Um, and like it just needs to happen, something like and it looked like in that form of this thing breaking, but it was obviously multiple things that were, I guess, a domino effect off of that.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

Yeah, yeah. So, what were some of those sins and internal struggles or insecurities that you were quietly dealing with that people didn't really see?

SPEAKER_00 5:05

Yeah. First, I it was definitely pornography, like that was like a big one. And I remember like one time my parents did find out, right? And this was like when I was like in primary school, my parents found out. I think I was year five or something, and then like Mama asked me why did you do it? I just stood there. I just stood there, I didn't know I did it, I just stood there, and then my dad just like said, like, just leave her let her go. And then um, but from that point it still just continued, it still continued. Um, and like I think that it was like after okay, I came to secondary school. It didn't go like it kind of felt like it like because of time and you know doing work and stuff like that, it went down a little bit, but it was still there, you know. Um, like you know, that kind of dopamine hair, like wanting to just like all of a sudden, okay, let me just go on a website kind of thing, it was still there. Um I'd say also like sometimes I'd find myself even like you know, from a young age, it's having that daydreaming, like staring into space, creating like plot lines in your head. And there's nothing wrong with imagination. That's like that's imagination is a good thing, but it's like curating a life as for like because from service level, your life is not bad. You have good parents, you have a stable home, you know, but then you're creating a life inside your head, or you look at other people, or it's you know, one can look at other people's life, and then from their life you're like paint paint a picture, or because you're not satisfied with your life, you're kind of indulging other people's lives and constantly looking at other people's lives. Um, and so then it doesn't even become comparison anymore, it just becomes living by characters for other people, and so like I I'd say those those things were what I was struggling with at the time, and it just but I believe that I came from that place of that cinematography, and then it just affected like so many things, and it like just you know constantly living like aeroplay mode, like you become numb in a way to like life and emotionally just do things, do things, do things, not kind of living.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Um yeah,

From Harmless to Hooked (No One Talks About This)

SPEAKER_02 7:25

wow, thank you. Yeah, thank you so much for sharing that. I really appreciate like your transparency, and you so you said that all of this just started from the root of being exposed to pornography. So, what was the age when you first started seeing porn and how did you come across porn?

SPEAKER_00 7:47

I think I was I think eight, maybe eight seven. Um, and it no one introduced it to me. It was like I was on I think my dad's iPad, and then I just saw a video or something, and it wasn't like it wasn't blink pornography, it was like a kiss video or something, and like people like I think this guy was doing some challenge and going out in California Beach, like asking girls if they'd kissed them or whatever, but just that even that kind of exposure of like such like graphic imagery of like you know, kissing and stuff like that. That was like that was not you know, that was not that was weird because only my parents, I don't know, but they do, like, you know, and so even that like the way they love each other is like do you know what I mean? Like the way they love each other is like that they love each other in that way, and you know, you don't know about biography, biology, sorry, you don't know um all these things, so that's the way you're introduced to it. And so it was through that that I became introduced to it, and like the titles of videos, and so now I start typing this on Google, and then it starts to come up with you know those kind of stuff. So that was the way I was introduced, no one introduced it to me, but that was the way I was introduced. Like I I guess how that's how I that's how it came upon, like just on YouTube, like yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:02

Yeah, yeah, oh my days. I feel like that's how it starts for a lot of people. That's how it's because I remember seeing like this like kissing challenges. That's literally and it teaches you, and it's like, okay, so like these are the type of things I can search for me to find stuff that's like this, but then it it's it's not it goes deeper though, it goes deeper like from watching kissing videos to like you're actually watching people having sex now. Yeah, oh my god, my days, yeah. Because I saw like on Instagram, I saw like this short reel, and it was something like the guy was like doing random searches in Google so that it clears your kissing YouTube video searches. It's like triggered the memory for me. It's like oh my gosh, it's so true, it's so true. Like that's really how it starts, yeah. And then you just go deeper and deeper and deeper into a hole, and you just find yourself at the bottom of the hole. Yeah, thank you. Wow. So why why do you why do you think that pornography then led to you like being lost in daydreams and com almost like comparing almost imagining yourself living a different life? Why do you think pornography caused that?

SPEAKER_00 10:25

I believe it's because pornography is not real. It

Living a Double Life in Church

SPEAKER_00 10:30

is a like it's acted out, um, and unfortunately people have to compromise their emotions, their their will to do certain things because of money and that industry and stuff like that, which is another conversation because of like you know, um, what do you call it? Um that that fan service online thing, I can't remember what it's called, but um like that going into that and like doing it and selling yourself in that way. But then I believe it's because it's painting a picture of fantasy, it's it's it's things that are like curated, like even like for example, even in TV shows, those are like like things like intimacy coordinators, those are scenes that are made up to kind of extravagance this experience that God intended to be so pure and so holy and worship to him, but now is extravaganced in such a way that feeds the mind of the human being, but in that like perverse way, you know. Do you know what I mean? Like when when you have this picture of like Cinderella or just you know, everything being so like painted like on such a big display on such like a big canvas, and then because of that pornography being real, then it feeds into that every single thing you see, you're doing this, you're doing that, then you kind of it creates like that never being satisfied, you know.

SPEAKER_02 11:51

So you were living a double life, like in church did no one like mention these type of struggles, like pornography, lust. No one didn't no one No, no.

SPEAKER_00 12:06

The church I grew up in, like, like I and I learned a lot of things in this church, even though I was not, you know, I mean I spent half of my time, like I think my first like two years being saved at this church, but then I grew up in this church. But you know that no, it wasn't like that's not something that's something not something you mentioned because in the mind of a believer, it's you don't struggle with those things anymore. Those things are little things, you know, or or you shouldn't be struggling with that as a believer, and you know, you can still be God has set you free, but you can still be struggling in the mind, you know, and so I just feel like it wasn't something that was talked about, and also I just feel like our youth we kind of grew up as a family, and so it's like it just wasn't things that was touched on, um or in the youth, you know, because I I think I was there like from like my child here, and then we left around 2021 um when COVID hit, but it just wasn't something that I knew that was mentioned. Um and it's funny enough because I I feel like the Bible mentions it a lot, like especially in Proverbs about the seductive woman, the lust in the thoughts, the mind, the the the adultery, the infidelity, the the perversive thoughts. Jesus says that if you lust in your heart and committed adultery to a woman. So now he's even changing what even adultery or or or sexual you know uh uh sin looks like. It doesn't look like necessarily committing the act, it's in your heart or in your mind, in your thoughts. And so I feel like even then, like, why wasn't that touched on? Maybe because of you know the culture I think sometimes can influence the kind of things that we learn in a church, you know. Um and so I feel like that's maybe why I wasn't touched on, you know. Um and so and I'm not saying anything like you know, the church, like that was a great church, but that's maybe why sometimes just in general, maybe like certain youth ministries or things that they don't touch on certain things, or adults maybe even don't speak about it, because it's maybe not considered, or the definition of what that means is action rather than it being premeditated, not premeditated, but you know what I mean, like happening before it actually happens.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

Yeah. Why do you think youth ministries and also churches don't really touch on sexual sin when it's so rampant? It's like it's it's so rampant, it's in the culture, and as Christians, we are in the culture, and obviously people can get tempted. And I think I think people know deep down that Christians, like a lot of Christians struggle with lust, especially people in the church, even leaders, like we're seeing past losing their leadership position because of because they've been sleeping with so many people in the church. So why do you think the church isn't talking about it when it's so rampant and it's something that so many young people struggle with? I saw a statistic that in the UK it's like one, it's like three in ten young people three in three in ten nine-year-olds have seen pornography or something like that. So it's so rampant. So why do you think it's not being talked about in church?

SPEAKER_00 15:27

Hmm. I feel like there are many factors to why it's not talked about in church. I feel like one is okay, now you are believers, um assuming that now you're following Christ, um, but you this was your old self, and this is I guess something that was a stronghold for you. I think there is this, which I actually believe is a lie from the enemy, so that we can try and live this, you know, dependent life on ourselves rather than depending on the Lord to be perfectionists, and actually it's the other way around. Jesus died because we need him, we need the blood of Christ. Like every day, Paul says, In my weakness, I boast in my weakness, but in my weakness, God's strength is made perfect, and so it

Why Lust Isn't Mentioned in Church

SPEAKER_00 16:16

doesn't mean that you don't, you know, um you don't abstain from certain things, but what it means is that like you don't have to try and live this striving life, striving as if this striving is gonna make you right with God. Whereas the other way around, God hasn't made you made made you right with Himself by coming down and dying on the cross, and so I feel like that is one thing of why like it's this striving and perfectionism, and what this does is it makes us lean on our own strength, but because our strength is limited, then there'll be a point where we fall. And then two because if you're always constantly striving and you need your own your own strength, you will fall because our strength is limited. You know, you can put these things in place, these disciplines, all these things, but then there'll be a point on falling. I think also there is this um lack of accountability, or this two things of hiding and being things in secret, and you know, not knowing how to bring things to light. One, it may be the enemy is like Satan's telling you lies so that you don't tell people, or you don't feel like you have an environment that is conducive to share that information because you don't know how you're responsible, uh, or you don't feel safe to share that information. Um like hearing other people's testimonies, I feel like, um, and I feel like you can raise this hearing someone else's testimony, even if they don't mean it going through the same that you did, it brings an atmosphere that you feel like I can share such information that is vulnerable to. And so I feel like that's another thing in that in that community that is not trying to um uh trying to put this facade of of yeah, we're living for the Lord, yeah, we have hearts after God, but we are still in this flesh, you know, and so there'll be things that we can be susceptible to. I also believe that I feel like and I think there are there are like I said, there are multiple factors to this, but this is just like something that I can just think on the top of my head. Um I feel like just there is this sometimes culture again, like of just wanting to do so much and wanting to kind of like do this, go out, go all out for Jesus, and that is so great. But it looks like in a certain way of performing, it looks like in a certain way of doing certain things that you know you know in your heart, I am like you're battling with this, you're battling with this because you think that if I do all these things for God, then He will, you know, then I will be loved, then I'll be and that is like a uh I feel like a byproduct of that how you've been treated, and that is based on how you've been treated, is the you put that onto the Lord, you put that onto the Father that if I do this, then he will love me. And so that's like a different conversation, but um I said like perfectionism and striving, um, and then not having either the lie of the enemy telling you so because he doesn't want things to be in the light of so people do things in secret, as long as in secret, then as long as it's hidden, then you could then you're just gonna keep you're gonna keep being in that pit. And then or not having an environment that is conducive or you don't feel like it is or has created that environment to share such vulnerable information. Because you don't know what someone's gonna do with that, use it against you, yeah, they're gonna pray for you. I mean, I hope you pray for me, but you know, or or make you feel guilty or condemning, which is not of the Lord, and so you don't know. Um and so I feel like that is a couple of things of why um maybe youth ministries and things like that maybe don't or or have not taken the time, especially with younger people, to delve deep, or even just protect kids in such a way that they don't even have to be exposed to such things from a young age.

SPEAKER_02 20:37

Um certainly no, thank you so much for sharing. You've yeah, you've yeah, I think you have definitely yeah, you've shed light on a lot of the factors for sure. No, thank you. So you were exposed to porn from a really young age, so and you were exposed to like sexual morality at that young age. How did that start to manifest as you got older and as you got into the teenage years? Like, what did that look like?

SPEAKER_00 21:11

Um okay, so this is like post-Christ, give my life to Christ.

SPEAKER_02 21:16

Now, like you know, wait, wait, so you're exposed wait, so you were exposed to porn at like seven, yeah, but then you gave your life to Christ at like eight.

SPEAKER_00 21:25

No, I gave my life to Christ at like fourteen, thirteen. So like you're eight, you're eight. So just walk us through that journey. Yeah, yeah. Um I feel like that that period was and like I said, like having this perception of when you're a virgin itself, you have this perception that you are a good a good girl, like you're not you're not actually doing anything like wrong, but then you have this sense of guilt. And so like when certain guys are doing certain stuff or saying certain things, I'm like, oh my god, like like oh my god. gosh you guys are so like dirty minded and all that stuff but meanwhile you're being fed that kind of content what has graced me and so I'm so thankful with like I'm a like a very vivid dreamer very vivid dreamer and so like I remember from like young age the enemy like attacking in my dreams like seeing demons and all sorts sorry to get vivid but seeing demons and all sorts and I remember like I would scream my parents would come pray for me and I'd just go back to bed and like why would the enemy attack someone that is not even yet in the kingdom of God that doesn't make sense um so then now um I've I've started to kind of have those kind of vivid dreams again but a specific dream that just kept being like repeated in in but in different forms. I kept seeing like fire things like that. I also really like I really enjoy singing at the time my church the choir was mainly of elderly people and so I didn't really know how to go about you know um wanting to join the choir because I felt like I was like I'd be the youngest um and everyone else is like in their 30s forties and then plus going up and I remember one night we had like a worship night. By the way at this point I had I and this is coming from someone that grew up in a Christian home you don't question that God is real. You don't question but you haven't yet had that heart heart you know encounter to say yes lord I like you realize this is I want to follow myself so that I didn't I don't question that God is real. I don't question what he did on the cross no so that like I was still with singing songs worshiping like actually like Lord this is my heart and all that stuff and so we had this worship night and they debuted this group that were more younger people like twenties to and like early 30s and I was like oh my gosh like I want to join I wanna join um and I remember seeing them and I was just like wow like you know just seeing young people um and at this point I was like I think 13 yeah 13 and then I remember um at this point I joined um this group and because we was quite a small church so we ever everyone knew everyone I joined and I remember we were going on like this somewhat like event where all people like different people around the world were coming and just coming to do this like cigarship event and it was the day before and these dreams were kind of recurring and I remember telling my pastor this dream and then he said pray for me and he said if it happens again let me know and so this night I remember I went to bed um at this point like so I'd we'd moved house so I'm like kind of just going around but um so I was in year eight and then we'd moved house in year eight um and so you're now not living in London anymore but like outskirts like Hertfordshire and so now I remember going to bed that same night when my pastor prayed for me because we went to rehearsal for the night before for that event and then I remember like just I don't know I've I didn't I've never done this before I don't remember doing this but I just put worship music on the background so I went to bed. That dream which essentially the context of the dream it felt like something was trying to come out of me and Tom was trying to be released but it just was like being like restricted and so I remember just waking up and feeling like that dream had happened but then something had been released in that dream and so I woke up and I felt like like someone had walked into my room but like this presence and I just started crying going around he's like like Lord I need you I need you I need you I need you I just kept saying I need you I need you I need you and that honestly is the day I gave like I believe I gave my FTJ where I had that encounter but then after that there were like such lies are you even a when you're now still I guess you've been in that place and that was a stronghold for you like the lies of oh are you even a Christian are you even like doing this right you know and just feeling this condemnation from Satan um and or even but even not knowing how to tell other people because you've not heard anyone share such things or just be you know open about those or any struggle really um just come to church it's nice it's family it's community which is nice as well and so then um how it affected me in my older years I would say is seeing it everywhere when you see it everywhere when you see like everything is sexualized like everything like like from books like books like like Wattpad um you know um TV shows especially in the Western culture like I like K dramas because of the the the meekness because of the the lack of explicitly and even if something is a romance story there is not that you know it's still it's still wholesome you know you don't have to something doesn't have to be beautiful you don't have to love someone you don't have to do anything to love someone so that's like sorry tangent but then I think with that like it affected me in ways that when you see everywhere and you're trying to overcome something it becomes more difficult because you see it people are talking about in school yeah have you watched this show have you read this book you know have you watched 50 shades of grey have you watched like you know everything like which is basically like like and all these you know explicit things that and things they're talking about like dominant and and all these things like and or like looking at um you know male actors like Michael Jordan which I'm not gonna lie he's really handsome but like you know I remember there was like this phrase of him being like a a sex something like or whatever and then women just like they basically like objectifying him but then the other way around it's oh you're and when a man does that to woman it's like so just seeing it everywhere basically in culture and society the news what's being talked about and you know and people talking about I'm like I don't know what you guys are talking about or I'm trying to not I'm trying to overcome that kind of thing um and so I feel like that's how it affected me because I went to a girl school and so you can imagine how that is um and then having things seeing things but then not really actually come to contact with guys um and so I would say that's one way it affected me like seeing everywhere seeing things sexualized everywhere from TV shows to actors male actors you know um like like I think there's this thing on team or magazines like sexiest man alive or something like that and it's like based on their physical appearance and so even things like that where you can't even detach objectivity from subjectivity you can appreciate that someone is beautiful but then now it becomes a thing where you start to be like oh but yeah he he's my man he's my man so and so like you know and you and you also you start to dehumanize people you start to like and this is from my my experience like also like um I used to listen a lot to BTS and K-pop and how like you know people just treat them as if they're these kind of like puppets like oh yeah like he's my husband he's my this he's my that my you don't even know him like and this is like my experience you don't even know him like you don't know him being surrounded by that and then also catching myself being like oh he's me he probably won't see me and if he sees me he's not gonna look at me be like oh yeah she's my wife like no because God has a quite plan for me so that um seeing that has affected me and just

How it impacted me

SPEAKER_00 30:10

so many things like and I think when you're trying to overcome that as well you become more like you you become more observant to society and culture and you're like oh damn this is something that is so so seamless but it's like a ripple effect yeah wow thank you so you said a lot of things maybe focus on like a f one or like two of those things like you mentioned Wattpad and then like books films so I know myself with Wattpad I don't even know how I came across Wattpad but when I came across Wattpad that had a chokehold on me all my dates especially during lockdown Wattpad like just like the explicit books on Wattpad and it would be so nasty because there'll be like I would also I would always notice that the books that were explicit like those smutty books they would be like demonic like they'll be they'll like just randomly saying the Lord's prayer and I'm like praying right now like what like there'll be some like antichrist type of things and I'm like what's going on you know and it did used to make me feel some kind of way like are they like doing like a demonic ritual on me whilst I'm reading this book you know I honestly did used to feel weird about it and like I don't think I had given my life to Christ just yet I do know that um because I I gave my life to Christ when I was 15 and then as I was growing up I didn't have like any Christ influence on my life at all.

SPEAKER_02 31:59

Except for like going to a Christian school but it's not really the true gospel that they can't give me there. It's just like it's just like cultural religion service level stuff um but like I did I was reading the Bible by this time now.

SPEAKER_00 32:16

I'm pretty sure I was or maybe was just about to give my life to Christ so I kind of noticed that it's just a bit odd anyways so with you with Wattpad you mentioned Wattpad you mentioned books you mentioned films like how what exactly you mentioned these things can you go into a bit more depth as to like maybe the thoughts that were going through your mind what you were looking for in particular and then like how that kind of like led you astray and affected you as a whole yeah um so I'd say for what part there are books from what part that don't have that kind of content but looking for content that is I guess feeding that fantasy again I'm coming back to this because I feel like it's not now on a porn site but now it's in your mind um and feeding that and then like looking for these kind of books and even to the point where I saw like there was this thing where I had this context of oh like if people are in a relationship then you know it makes it better if they're married in what what I'm reading then it makes it justifiable when really that's not actually the case at all because God intends for not just it to be marriage but it to be intended for a covenant that is made by him and I remember like just just looking for like even you know when normally they have the briefs of like what is included or normally it's a chapter and it will say explicit content it will say this kind of content is going to be 18 plus content and then you will still read it and that will kind of be your drawing to why you're gonna read it and then and that's like so like backwards you know because I even just even think like with age like you know when they have the age things for example on Netflix and then you this it says sex explicit content all these things I'm like so what are so are you saying that a a 12 year old should be eligible to consume that kind of content so that's like another thing but so that's the kind of things I was looking for um and then how it like I guess affected me was because this is post-Christ but it this this I guess perversion was just showing up differently it was no longer the porn side it was just showing up differently like with books and TV shows but it affected how I came to the Lord because it felt like there were times Lord I know I felt like I like I might go back to this so it affected how I came to the Lord because you come with a persona or you come with like a a war up in a way so you say things to make you feel good or you say things you don't feel far from him but really you feel far from him because you know you're not being open with him but yet he sees it all and so that is how I'd say it mainly affected me.

SPEAKER_02 35:08

Um yeah yeah thank you yeah and before we jumped onto the core you also mentioned about like Bridgerton how you saw Bridgerton and then it didn't really help like you talk about the TV shows and then also can you just talk a bit more about that like in terms of movie scenes and stuff.

SPEAKER_00 35:30

Yeah um I'd say specifically the Western culture um I would say that movies TV shows because Bridgeton is was advertised I mean a lot of people are watching it for those steamy scenes you know because that what that's what it was advertised as and not it knowing it was being a book as well but I feel like the TV shows and films don't help because they also put actors in a position as well where they might have to compromise um but then you as the audience are seeing it feeling like it's something real um feeling like it's something real so then in real life you start shipping actors you're like oh my gosh they should be together because of a intimate scene a steamy scene that has been painted when you know you know when you're just watching you be like I feel like I'm interrupted something I feel like I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be watching this because like there's that in a knowing that that should be for like I mean for me personally a husband and wife that should be something that is private and not displayed and so I feel like in that way it's shown in TV shows um and it creates I feel like this narrative a lot this narrative that is um not just in TV shows but it can end up affecting like the viewers life and their perception like oh okay I'm I'm able to do this I'm able to not do this.

SPEAKER_02 36:53

Like my story does include topics like being exposed to porn and masturbation as a child and then play sexual and mimicking the adult behaviour that I would see with friends and cousins from like the age of three to eight years old and then my dad left so then that brought in abandonment issues and then I experienced bullying and racism in school and I think it just all added up and then impacted my confidence and boldness growing up before I then accepted Jesus Christ into my life when I was like 15. You know and then he started healing me and then giving me confidence and boldness through his Holy Spirit so I feel like these are real issues that are affecting many young people today but quietly you know so a joyful and expressive child is like they quickly just become very shy and silent and withdrawn because of these type of experiences you know so do you find did you find that like being exposed to porn and sexual content and masturbation like did it affect your confidence I thought like um from my experience it wasn't a confidence that was I don't know how to describe it it wasn't wasn't evident you know because you can still talk you can still be someone that has a loud voice but already you know I'm you know I'm and I'm now going on this journey with the Lord of losing weight um but like just being like you know being the bigger person or you know on my own I'm not but then compared to or Serena compared to but besides someone that is the same age as me like oh they're smaller.

SPEAKER_00 38:50

And so I feel like those even seeing those images of like being physically or your appearance is like you know slim and toned and all that kind of stuff um it definitely had like a I think effect on like body image and how like you know I perceived myself in terms of physical appearance um and deeming what what what even is beautiful um and what even you know a guy would even find beautiful um and so even in that way like covering up and certain things like yeah okay so I know I'm not I know I'm not gonna wear something that's revealing because I know it's gonna draw attention but covering up because of insecurity rather than because of modesty. And so I think that it affected in that way like that insecurity of just and just even naturally just being someone that like as soon as I hit puberty I started developing chests and like some of my cousins are just not are just naturally slimmer. And so certain remarks that may just be saying certain things to me I'm like oh you know you're already insecure with something and someone just kind of amplifies that insecurity um or certain like sports and just not wanting to do it because you're conscious you know and so I think that it it had that effect on my perception of self um and really just now like you know coming to you near I feel like this had maybe sixth form but the Lord like identifying these certain things of you know okay we didn't you don't do these things we've delivered you from the desire if you wanting to participate in this thing but now it's what's the after effect of it what's the the perception of self the body image how you even go about certain relationships and you withh and you withdraw yourself from being vulnerable because of that like inviting someone in do you know and so um I'd say in those ways of body image perception of self um and that aspect of confidence I feel like was affecting but I'm grateful that I feel like the Lord's you know really brought that back Amen praise God so for someone who's going through maybe someone has body dysmorphia and they're feeling really self-conscious about their body and their weight for someone who's struggling with their body image like what words of wisdom could you give them that you hold onto yourself? Yeah when it I would say to them that your beauty is not dependent on your size your your skin it's not dependent on your physical appearance your beauty is dependent on what the Lord says you are and he says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and what that means is that he took his time making you you are not um insufficient or weak or inadequate or you know you have no purpose because of your physical appearance or because of how you look or because you feel like you know you're or because you feel like how I look is not how I want to be you know um it's not based on fragility your beauty is not based on fragility but it's based on what the Lord tells you and what he has said over you and he says in someone through nine that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and that word does not change. When your body changes that word does not change and so that is what I would just encourage someone with is that um and if someone that I'm saying this to or who's seeing this does not know who Jesus is or who the Lord and who says you are you know he wants to know you he wants to love you and he loves you so much um and in his word in Psalm 139 he says these things about you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made that he's made you with such purpose and with such plans that is not dependent on your size or when you you know you feel like you're a little bit bigger or you know things like that.

SPEAKER_02 43:21

You may not realize this I said this to you over the phone but your testimony encouraged me to share my own and even like continue with podcast when I first started sharing my testimony like I got so much um backlash but especially from my family yeah um and like I put my podcast on hold because I was in so much like fear and shame but your testimony encouraged me to just continue and um just push past the fear and the shame when when these type of things tried to stop me.

SPEAKER_03 44:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:01

So thank god. Like the first time you showed your testimony, the first time you shared your testimony to me, like it was it was so random. We were here once quiet rehearsal like rehearsals in for the youth church. Yeah. Jubilee youth church. And um you just like shared it and we were there with um like there was other people there with us too but you just like shared it and you kept coming close saying oh yes you were like pornography. And like my eyes were opening wide because I'm like wow someone's talking about this. You know it takes real boldness you know you've shared parts of your testimony with me including overcoming pornography and masturbation and that takes real boldness because of the shame that's around it. So what gave you the courage to be that honest?

SPEAKER_00 44:59

If I'm being completely honest I didn't even like you know when you're just talking like and you're just like opening your mouth if you don't really realize what it's doing for someone else um I feel like I came to this place and this point where the Lord has delivered me and I'm like well I this is definitely not for me to keep to myself um like how dare I do that how dare I do that keep myself so it was like honestly it just it just came out of mouth it just threw that out of mouth and I feel like that was the Holy Spirit because I was just speaking I I feel like I don't even know where the conversation came from I think it came from something and it just went to something else but it honestly I feel like it was just the Holy Spirit just you know it giving you that encouragement to just you know like like to set you free from that because it's you bold about your testimony um because I feel like with when hope you're enjoying the episode so far please take a moment to leave a comment sharing how the episode has had an impact on you and smash that subscribe button right now to get the algorithm going so that more young people can be inspired. Comes with boldness you know you have to get over that self of thinking of what other people think um even when they have not told you what they think um and so I feel like that that that was really just being like okay like here it is kind of thing and however that is going to find a way into a conversation just to let that happen naturally and just let it flow and I feel like that with the help of Holy Spirit that happened um but when it comes to like sharing testimony with other people that maybe are not followers of Christ and or don't have that yet um information about the Lord I feel like it's one of those things that you just have to let happen naturally you know let happen naturally but also find opportunities you know find opportunities um because when you're looking you will definitely find the opportunity and then just getting over that okay I don't know what's gonna do for that person but I'm not gonna allow myself to be in that way of someone else or or or someone else you know overcoming that.

SPEAKER_02 47:13

Yeah I feel like a lot of people can think that like sharing the gospel so openly or sharing your testimony sharing like personal and deep parts of your testimony is a bad thing to do. Like this is this is what people have told me oh no you shouldn't talk about that you know you can trigger someone but and then and then it makes it made me feel like me sharing my testimony is a bad thing. It's a shameful thing. I shouldn't I shouldn't talk about it at all. And it honestly this is how I felt I felt like I'm doing such an evil thing. I'm like re-traumatizing people when I talk about the things that happened to me and the things I participated in. Yeah you know and it's it stops you from and I just stopped sharing my testimony and I would feel so depressed and unfulfilled in my life because Jesus's commandment to us was go out into the world and make disciples of all nations and preach the gospel to everybody every creed of every race you know and if you're if you're trying to share the gospel with a non-believer someone who doesn't know anything about the Bible doesn't know anything about Jesus or they are from a or they have a worldview that directly rejects Jesus being God like you just sharing the gospel with them like God so loved the world he came and died they don't they're not really gonna how do I say it's so much like people are so much more receptive and open to hearing what a fellow human being has experienced because the one thing that all of us human beings together and makes us all relate to one another is our emotions our emotions and our life experience like people I feel like people are just way more I feel like their guards go down if you're just honest with people and you just share the things that you've been you know as opposed to just giving them pure theology like if you can mix the two yeah I think it's very powerful because the Bible says we conquer by the blood of the Lamb the gospel and the word of our testimony so you know thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 49:38

Testimonies are super powerful but they're but like fear of judgment and shame condemnation stop people from actually sharing their testimony so when you decided to speak openly about your struggle with pornography and masturbation was there a fear of judgment or misunderstanding and like how did you push past that to be honest I don't really remember there being a fear a lot maybe fear of fear of how it would be perceived or or what people think but the context that I was sharing it in was mainly a Christian context but I do remember there was one time that I shared I remember I was COVID timing we had a group chat for our year group and I just remember just like basically typing in my whole testimony on that group chat and they know me on that group chat like they know me as like as slightly like the goody two shoes girl like tell not tells people off but like you know like goes and tell that you're like guys to be quiet and all that stuff and I feel like they were just so off guard like they were taking like and I'm obviously these are people that you know they're still you know minors and stuff like that so they're you know there's maturity is still there and whatnot but like they were just caught off guard and some people were like oh yeah that's nice and whatever but then some people like just very caught off guard and I remember when I was going to school there'd be like some people like a couple of girls came up to me and be like like asking generally how like like I overcame that but you know now when you say Jesus it's Jesus that didn't help me overcome that now it becomes a thing of it's not just the name of Jesus it's not just the person of Jesus it's now you can have that too you can have that too and it's not just me and um all this or this abstract far-fetched idea you can have that healing too not just in overcoming this sin but in your mind having freedom true freedom that is not just doing whatever I want but true freedom where you just have peace you have peace um that is not based on your situation and so I feel like there was there was I think I feel like there's more fear when it's in an in a um non-Christian context especially with people that already you have relationship with but relationship you know in a peer way in a in a cohort way and maybe you don't have that relationship that has has that environment for vulnerability do you know because I think sometimes people are caught off by vulnerability because how do you go from a service level conversation to something so deep like that you know do you know what I mean so because it's like and I think you know even to what you're saying about the triggering thing if someone's being triggered it means that there is a there is some healing that needs to be done I feel like triggering is actually a good sign that okay there's some things that need to be so I if I say something that is taboo yeah it shouldn't trigger you but if it's triggering you it means that there is something that needs to be healed which I think is a good sign else you wouldn't have known that it was there in the first place but with the in in Christian community I feel like and especially I feel like Jubilee that's when I started to you know have those conversations with people like Michael and stuff like that and so I that I that environment I feel like was already created where there was that vulnerability and openness you know like okay now we're in Christ but now we're not just we're not just you know healed but now actually becoming more like him and becoming more like him we overcome these sins we overcome these strongholds that once had a grip on us yes amen praise god thank you yeah for it's very interesting that you find it like that there's more fear amongst like non-Christians and like people who you have a relationship with and they're non-Christian I find it's the people who are more receptive to me sharing my testimony are non-Christians like so receptive so receptive especially Muslims like yeah like they're interested yeah they like they I feel like they really appreciate the power of a testimony you know yeah I find non non-Christians like like so easy to just share and talk to and like it's like I feel like maybe in church I honestly feel like people don't talk about lust in church it's because they're struggling with it.

SPEAKER_02 54:20

I think I think that's I honestly think that's the reason there have been times where we've had like conversations like maybe we've had like we've had like a call and like they'll separate boys and girls to actually just talk about a subject like lust and it's like it was it was very surface level like it was very very surface level so I find I find like when I share my testimony amongst Christians because there are some lukewarm Christians maybe like within the circle it's like they're being triggered by they're being triggered and then like they just vomit all their upset and anger onto you like onto me. And then it's like stirring the pot I don't know how's it yeah stirring the pot like because they're upset then it's like they'll now try and encourage others to be upset as well.

SPEAKER_00 55:11

Yeah that in my personal experience that's what it's been people who are actually familiar with the gospel yeah are like outraged when I share my testimony yeah so like for a young person maybe they shared their testimony once or twice and when they have shared their testimony they they've just seen like the reaction and some has been good you know some people like come up to them and are like how did you overcome you know tell me more and then some people are absolutely outraged and triggered and now they're experiencing a lot of backlash for a young person who is on fire for God and they want to share their test but they're feeling scared fear of other people's opinions fear of to know the unknown is holding them back from truly just being out there for God what words of wisdom can you give them when God has done something in your life especially something that you found your identity in you know that's that that's that's what you knew yourself by or in your mind at least people knew by another by another name but you knew yourself by this and God not only delivers you but the shapes of what your identity actually is sometimes what can be the case of not sharing is yourself um and that just sounds quite simple but it sometimes is like it's rather it's better that you plant that seed when someone else is doesn't respond because they're not it's not you that they're not responding to it's not you they're not responding to it's nothing it's nothing got to do with a rejection of you because the Lord has already accepted you he has already received you by just delivering you from that but when someone does not receive it is their heart and so rather I feel like it's um having to shift okay God you've done this to me and you've delivered me from this and so it's like when something good happens you know like being part of GCC and you part of ALB you want to go and tell your friends what did you get what did you get okay you tell me I got this now and you want to have that that confidence to just boast you know and so when even when you maybe didn't get a good grade and then you got another good grade you want to share the good grade do you know what I mean and that not getting a good grade maybe can be like a discouragement to want to share the good grade you know and I feel like it's just getting over that what do they think of me? What do they think of me? But what what do you think of me God? What do you think of me? And you say good things because you've delivered me from this and so to anyone that is you know wants to share their testimony and that is on fire for the Lord he has already done it for you and so now just go and share um and what I'd encourage them is to pray for that boldness pray for that boldness from the Lord from Holy Spirit to help you to share when you feel like everything in you like to open your mouth is a struggle I'd say ask Holy Spirit to give you that boldness to share and that courage and that whatever you know fear or condemnation or guilt or even just maybe things that people are saying around you you know like you were saying about your family members that try which I I feel like the enemy uses to try and discourage and dim down one's light you know that the Lord would give you that boldness to share and to you know silence those lies no I'm still gonna share I'm still gonna share because what that does when you bring that into that light and you tell people it silences the enemy and it tells them this is what God has done for me. This is what God has done. So actually your lies are irrelevant they have no weight they have no meaning because what God has done is so much bigger and so much better and greater amen oh thank you thank you so much Sayella for someone who feels trapped in cycles of shame and hidden sin and like addiction this a really bad habit and they've tried to overcome but

How I Overcame Lust

SPEAKER_00 59:27

they just can't and they've tried to overcome but then they fall back down again I feel like masturbation pornography is a really good example of a sin cycle how can they overcome oh that's that's that's a lot of that's a loaded question how could they overcome yeah but like if you could make it like concise brief summary maybe how you overcame yeah but honestly that overcoming was something that a desire the Lord had to take out of me um and what I mean by that is now that I'm following Christ I want to be like him and so I want to because I want to be like him that what seems like condemnation and guilt at times is actually more of a drawing to want to depend on the Lord and so you know I did things like putting alarms closing websites putting the the locker and all that stuff right but there's not you know you just end up unlocking it because you want to see something but then but then like now like now really asking God God I want your desires and so although you know in me or in in my in my mind I want to do this thing change my desires and so really from that place of just being open with God first vulnerability tell God what's on your mind or if you don't know the Lord you know if you don't know the Lord and if you don't know Jesus he wants to know you and so you know just asking him if you're real if you're there encounter me I want to encounter you and so for those who maybe don't know the Lord but then I'd say really for me my personal is that I overcame by him by Jesus that's how I overcame because he took that desire outside of me to want to do anything that fed that fantasy that fed that you know that um that appetite for certain kind of you know explicit content all those things he really took that desire on me so now that desire inside of me was a desire to be pure and a desire to just consume content that was encouraging you know and if I did watch a show for example if I did watch TV shows that you know were romance like I said uh I think I said it before like K dramas they would be like have that kind of wholesomeness to it you know and so it wouldn't be feeding that um fantasy you know and I really also believe that what the Lord did is by taking that desire of me and putting this desire inside me now I'm able to renew my mind and strip back the the effect of what pornography does on your mind in your brain and your thoughts by taking that desire so I say to sum it up I overcame quite simply by Jesus and him being open with him and vulnerable telling him I don't want to do this thing anymore. I don't want to just do this I don't want to think these things anymore and so would you take that out of me and put your love in me put your desires in me and he did exactly that and it took time you know at times you know it doesn't mean that sometimes you can't be you know that you're not susceptible we're still humans but what it did is that now I'm like able to be aware and be conscious of okay I'm not gonna consume this kind I'm not gonna you know even feeding like you know with the Bridgeton thing I was talking about is season four has come out okay I'm not I'm even gonna you know my for you page not not you know not type and that kind of thing or my for you page because even that kind of content is like okay needs to want to wanting to watch the show um and so to sum it up yes being vulnerable and open with Jesus saying I need you take those desires out of me take those thoughts out of me put your love and your desires in me um and then to those who may maybe have not yet found Jesus he wants to find he is he's on the he's on the search for you and he wants to encounter you um and if you are hungry for that um he sees that hunger and just asking him to I want to encounter you so would you encounter me when was a time like you had to choose to be bold for Jesus even though you were scared or it may have had negative consequences and why did you choose obedience regardless when things can be controversial you know I remember when um certain conversations and you know when when something that can just come naturally to you because you're just pursuing to be like Jesus I remember someone just being like oh are you pro-life or you pro choice and this was GCSC's textiles and we were in the room and you know you're just doing your thing because textiles just making stuff it was so you're like are you pro-life or you pro choice and I'm like well what's what what's what's what's what I was like I don't know definitions and then they're like oh um this means this and then this means this I'm like okay I'm pro-life so I don't think that I don't think you should be aborting a baby but then she was she was like but then I'm like okay but each their own yeah which now is a different I have a different stance but like she like I was like I was like each their own but then she's like okay so you're pro-choice I'm like no I'm not pro-choice because I wouldn't want them to actually put put like I don't I don't want to encourage that and so I even like having that stance of no I don't I don't think that that's right um and because I know that God cares about lives he cares about babies like that's not right so even having to stand up like you know sometimes it won't necessarily be you're saying the name of Jesus but in your stance of certain political uncertainty beliefs you are saying I don't believe with this I don't agree with this I don't stand up for this I encourage this behavior not even but from a place of love because I know that that's not what God wants for his people and that's not what God wants for humanity you know and so I'd say in in this example that I had um I'd say like no I don't I don't I don't agree with that I'm not gonna encourage that um and also I don't identify with either because period is that God cares about kids, God cares about babies and that life is so important And I feel like that life can actually bring more life to someone rather than destroy.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:05

Oh yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah. So basically just like having the boldness to go against the culture, really. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like like with Nicki Minaj. Did you see what happened with Nicki Minaj and like Donald Trump? No. Oh, he didn't? No. She basically like she like came out in this like she went to like this conservative, like this American conservative conference, and she was like, boys can be boys and girls can be girls. I think she was basically just against children being transgender or something like that. Yeah, and I don't actually know if she is a Christian, but it did actually just make me think obviously that's a very controversial topic, and I study politics, so like we have to know what's good. Oh yeah. So how did you not know about this?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:04

We have to know what's going on in the No, I don't I'm like now I don't really I only watch the news because my teacher was pestering me all the time, but I don't really like watch the news all the time.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:14

Watch it now. Okay. Anyway, this was even on social media, and I was like shocked. Nicki Minaj out of all people. Um but but no, I actually I actually do think it is quite bold. I think it's an admirable admirable thing for you to for someone to just like say what they believe. Because you know, with cancel culture, it's like people are scared of actually saying maybe a view that they have because fear of being cancelled or blacklisted. And like I feel like it's a very demonic thing, you know, because I think it's it stems from fear of people's opinions about you, you know. But like we all know the phrase, like if you stand wait, if you stand for nothing, then you'll fall for anything. Yeah. So like it takes character, you know, and sh a strong set of values for someone to just say what they believe when measured, you know, say say what they believe, regardless of the impact it will have on them, you know, and not being swayed by not being a sheep and being swayed by what some what culture and society says is good, even though deep down you know it's not really good, you know. So what do you think is the one thing happening in society right now that's impacting young people's ability to be bold?

SPEAKER_00 1:08:44

I think that coming to uni has made me realise one thing is not necessarily fear of missing out, but sometimes maybe, and I think there are obviously multiple factors to this, but um maybe living a certain lifestyle that you think is fulfilling, but is maybe not as fulfilling. Like, for example, like I remember when I came to university when it was freshers week, like the way they're just bottles upon bottles, and no judgment, like like you know, I don't drink personally, but you know, each to their own. But it's interesting, like how people after like foods are unboard freshers is over, it's October now, and like people are still coming to lectures, maybe hungover, and it's only until like the second semester that now like everyone's like, yeah, let's lock in, let's be serious. But I know that for some, like my brother was telling me like how at the end of like uni, there are people that like literally coasted uni, like literally dragged, like like scraped basically a past in uni or two. Um and so like for me, I think that element of like trying to live a certain lifestyle because of the fear of missing out, or especially I think in social media when you see people living a certain way and you know traveling and like I like I've been grateful enough to travel some of a few places, but or living a certain lifestyle that is you know that that girl, aesthetic, you know, um, or old money and this these these trends that like don't get me wrong, like I'm here for that. Like, you know, goes go to the gym, like you know, if you want make your money, like all that stuff, like you know, in in a in a wise way where it's not you know governing your life, you can still have social life and balance, but when it becomes where people are aspiring after these things, as uh I feel that as a way to fill themselves, um, in some way, shape, or form, and of course that is just not enough. It is just not enough, and so I think sometimes that can end up like sometimes being not a barrier, but when when it comes to boldness, I think boldness comp is paired with authenticity when you are authentically yourself, that's when I feel like you can be bold. But you're trying to live someone else's life that is not actually you know true to your life, or you know, you're trying to strive after someone else's goal, when that's not really your goal, you haven't even asked yourself what do I want to do? What is something that uh what's something that I'm even aspiring after in terms of maybe career or something, then that you can't even be bold because you're not even being authentic to yourself. And so I'd say social media um from from my experience and just like you know um consuming content that is living a certain lifestyle that maybe not be a reflection of your life.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:47

Yeah, wow No, thank you so much, like you've just shared Yeah, you shared a lot of wisdom there, yeah. How can you be bold if you're not actually authentically living you and being you? And when when your life feels heavy or confusing and you're navigating adulthood at like a young age now, where do you personally find your grounding and your strength?

SPEAKER_00 1:12:21

Um well as I said before, um for me it is talking to the Lord, talking to knowing that God is my father. It gives me that sense of comfort because I know like God, I'm not having the greatest day. Or um, I mean we discussed like for me journaling has been that like journaling my prayers to the Lord, and when I see like start like psalms, the Psalms where David says like um where he just says things like you know, I'd darkness, I'd rather be in darkness than in the light, but yet still, God, I can't hide from you. That is like some deep stuff, like where he says, whether I rise to the heavens or whether I lay my bed in sure, which is like basically a death place, I can't hide from you, your presence, I can't leave. And that for me lets me know that God is with me and God is with you, and so you can't actually really escape even when you know you want that you'd rather, you know, rather my pain or to be comfort, you know, or or pity, or like you know, that pity party where you're just like, oh, worry is me, worry is me. Everyone should feel sorry for me. Um and so for me, what has been that I guess comfort or that that blanket for me has been um just openly talking to God and asking like Jesus, Jesus, you resonate with me, you understand what I'm going through, you're not new to pain. Um, your friend died, Lazarus died, which is Jesus' friend. You're not new to pain, you know, you're not new to betrayal. Judas betrayed you, you're not new to these things, and so you resonate with me. And so we're just asked just being open and honest with Jesus. Like, I don't know what to do with this, but I'm bringing it to you, I'm giving it to you. As I give it to you, like, give me your burden, your burden, which is light, which he says, which is like his burden is light compared to the burden of the world, which is heavy. Um, and so for me that I mean it's not always I mean, even in that I feel like when you go through that, it doesn't um mean that you won't go through trial, but it just means how you go through the trial is different. Does that make sense? How you go through the trial is I don't I don't I'm learning something through the trial rather than just trying to get out of the trial immediately, you know, and be like ah just get out because it's too it's too difficult. Um, yeah, and so for me, that that's what I'd say.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:53

Yeah, we are going to come to a close. Thank you so so much, Shayella. Thank you so much. I love yeah, I know I love to um close episodes in prayer. So please, I always like to ask my guests, what is it that you need? Let me know I can get it for you because I have Jesus Christ living in me, and I will include it in this prayer right now.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:18

Amen.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:19

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:20

Um, yes. Do you want me to tell you? Yeah. Oh, okay. Uh I'd say paying for um university like discipline and also strategy on how to go about uh work spray. I think it's quite odd university. I prefer the A levels, that's just my opinion. Um but yeah. Um so I'd say just with that you know um university being um more disciplined and just enjoying my course. Um yeah, hoping that yeah, one day it clicks with me in my head, clicks in my head like understanding. Um and then I'd say also just you know um just to just to um have more better under just to grow closer to God. That's that's that's like the two yeah, I'd say. Um but yeah, thank you so much. Of course, amazing, right? Now let's pray.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:26

In Jesus' name. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for your wonderful, beautiful, bold, courageous, fearless daughter, Shayella. Oh Lord, I thank you so much, Lord, for her life. Oh, I thank you so much that she's just shared so freely, so expressively, so boldly, so transparently and vulnerably. Oh, it's gonna help so many people who are listening right now, and it's helping them right now as we speak in Jesus' name. Oh Lord, your daughter has asked for more discipline and um strategy and structure with her university work, and also that her desire is to grow even even more closer to you. So I thank you, Lord Jesus, because you have given her such great desires. I thank you, Lord, for the discipline you've given her. I thank you, Lord, for the self-control you've given her. I thank you, Lord Jesus, for the strategy and the and the structure you've given her in terms of being at university with so much free time that we have. We thank you, God, for helping her to use her time wisely. We thank you, Jesus, for helping her to just excel in her university work. I thank you, Lord, because you have helped her to understand her course. I thank you, Lord, because you've given her a passion, a why, and an excitement for her university degree, and to learn all the things that she'll be learning and her lectures will be teaching her and to apply what she learns. I thank you, Jesus. I thank you, Jesus, because you are helping her to enjoy university life, to grow closer to you, and to do university and step and each day with you, Jesus. I thank you, Lord. We thank you for your peace, for your love, and for your joy. In Jesus' name we've prayed. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 1:18:37

Amen. Amen. Thank you so much, Chloe, for having me. Um you are such a good friend. I'm so um I'm so grateful to witness what the Lord's doing in your life. Um, you know, when I first met you, you're just you have such a a such a passion and a pursuit, not just for life, but I feel like now the Lord's brought you into him. Like now you just you want to do things just for his kingdom, and I'm just so grateful, you know, that he's teaching you in every step of the way, even just using your career, and just I'm just so excited, just to witness far afar, just taking you know, it's so beautiful to see, and I just I'm so excited for what he's gonna continue to do.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:23

Ah, amen. Thank you so much, and I'm honestly so grateful that God brought you into my life. Um when we were sick formers, like honestly, you don't understand the impact that you had on me if it wasn't for you just sharing and just being you, you know, sharing so honestly and freely about your testimony. Um uh in regards to like overcoming pornography and masturbation. Oh, I think you were literally just saying the effects it had, and just the fact that you had the bones to even bring that up, it it transformed my life. Like, literally, as you were talking, I felt like I felt like something in my chest lift up out of me. Wow. I think it was the shame and the nation that I was holding on to for so long. Wow, you know, so I think God forgave. And because of that experience I encountered, it's literally just giving me a fire to just never stop sharing my testimony, basically. So thank you, and God bless you. Thank you. God bless you, so God bless you and God keep you. I love your boldness, and like I pray that God surrounds you with more people who are bold, like you, and will add to your boldness and add to your fire. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:40

Amen.