Episode 11. Your Feelings Are Your Power with Doug Noll

Most of us learned at a young age which emotions were allowed and which were not. When a child hears "You'll get over it" or "Stop crying," they don't just lose comfort in that moment; they learn to doubt their own inner truth.

In this episode of The Fairy Podcast, host Winslow Vail sits down with special guest Doug Noll, a lawyer-turned-peacemaker, author, and longtime de-escalation teacher, to talk about why emotions aren't a problem to fix. They're part of who we are.

Doug explains why adults unconsciously invalidate children's feelings (hint: it's usually about the adult's anxiety, not the child's behavior) and shares a simple tool that works at any age: naming what you feel, out loud and without judgment. From a skinned knee on the playground to a friend who's suddenly furious with you, telling the truth about your emotions can help bring your nervous system back to calm.

In this episode:

• Emotions as a core part of who we are
• How invalidation teaches kids to hide their real feelings
• Why adults shut feelings down and why it's often driven by their own anxiety
• Naming emotions to self-soothe
• Using "You feel..." to help a friend calm down quickly
• Responding to anger without taking it personally
• Calming first, problem-solving second
• Daily practices to build confidence and inner resilience

Whether you're four years old or forty, this skill works. And when children learn it early, they often become the people others turn to in difficult moments, because they know how to listen, connect, and respond with empathy.

About Doug Noll

Doug Noll is an award-winning author, speaker, and trainer. He is, among many other things, a lawyer-turned-peacemaker, mediator, and expert in deep, empathic listening. He left a 22-year career as a trial lawyer, earned his Master's Degree in Peacemaking and Conflict Studies, and has helped thousands of companies and organizations with internal conflicts and poor communication.

He is the co-founder of the award-winning Prison of Peace Project. He has trained mediators and leaders in Europe, the Middle East, and Asia in his innovative peacemaking and mediation processes.

Doug's honors include California Lawyer Magazine Attorney of the Year, a Purpose Prize Fellow, and Best Lawyers of America Lawyer of the Year.

Doug Noll's Website

https://dougnoll.com/

Doug Noll's TEDx Talk

https://youtu.be/rL_m78zdXMQ?si=yzVysSSJ8AjiHX3y

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Fairy Mail: https://www.winslowvail.com/fairy-mail/Fairy-School-Mail/

Music Credits: "Canon in D" by Johann Pachelbel performed and recorded by Winslow Vail. 

Transcript

Welcome To Fairy School

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Fairy Podcast with Winslow. My name is Winslow Vale, and I'm the founder of Fairy School. I'm here to create a safe space for you to explore your imagination, your heart magic, and the mysteries of the fairy world. This is the perfect time for you to connect with the fairies, to ask questions, share your dreams, and discover fairy practices and stories that can help you build more self-love, healthy happiness, and inner calm. The fairies are so glad you are here. As we begin, we invite you to take a deep breath into your belly, to relax your body, and to feel the curiosity flowing in your heart. Now, slip into your magical fairy clothes, feel your wings gently unfold, and awaken your fairy senses as you learn, imagine, and grow at fairy school.

Why Emotions Are Normal

SPEAKER_00 1:12

Hello, Doug. It is wonderful to have you on the fairy podcast.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

I know we talk about this a lot.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

We have. And for the children listening or anyone listening, you are amazing. You are a lawyer-turned peacemaker, you're an author, a speaker, a trainer, a teacher, and you've been my teacher and trainer for eight or nine years now, teaching me how to listen to emotions, how to deal with someone when they're upset. And really you've you've been you've opened the doorway to emotions in every sense. I was when I first started with you, I was so afraid of emotions. And I was, I felt nervous, scared, anxious, and I felt when someone was upset or just even a little bit frustrated, I've I totally froze. I never knew what to do. So I've had a big transformation for myself. And I feel like for kids, they also can relate to not feeling comfortable with emotions because as a society, we're comfortable with feeling happy, excited, like the quote unquote good emotions, but most people and adults aren't comfortable with any sort of intense emotion, whether it's sadness or anger. And do you want to tell us a little bit about emotions, just in terms of like we're all emotional and kind of your research, but from something that kids could understand?

SPEAKER_01 2:57

Well, first of all, emotions are who you are. And you're going to be told that that's not true. Whenever you're told that, ignore it. You are 100% emotional beings. Every single one of you. I am too. So is Winslow. And yet your parents and other adults who do not have the proper training or education are afraid of emotions. So they make sure that you don't get to display your emotions, you don't get to feel your emotions around them because it makes them feel anxious and uncomfortable. And unfortunately, that really hurts you. Because you don't feel heard, you don't feel visible, you don't feel like people really get you. You feel unappreciated and unsupported. And you're not alone. That's how I grew up. That's how Winslow grew up. That's how we all grew up, because we have parents that don't know any better. So the first thing and the most important thing to know is that you are emotional, you have emotions, and it's okay. It's normal, it's natural, and it's healthy. What is not healthy is to hide your emotions. And that becomes challenging. It becomes difficult because you have learned that when you show your emotions, you show how you really feel, you're immediately told to not feel that way. And that's really difficult. So you're told a lie, you're told not to be who you really are, and now you have to put on a playface. You have to be somebody you're not. And that's really hard. So hopefully in the next couple of minutes, we can show you some other ways of being, some other ways that you can be your authentic real self without getting people around you really mad at you.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

That's

How Adults Invalidate Feelings

SPEAKER_00 5:08

so true. And the piece around so you're you're invalidated so much. Like if you do feel sad or you do feel angry, right? You so often hear, you know, don't cry, you'll get over it.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Put it on your big girl panties.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Yeah, you'll be okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:27

Rub dirt in it. Don't be a drama queen.

SPEAKER_00 5:29

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

Get over crying. Get over it. Every cloud has a silver lining. Oh, this too shall pass.

SPEAKER_00 5:38

Yeah. It's not a big deal.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Not a big deal, right?

SPEAKER_00 5:42

So it's you're, and that's called invalidation.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

You're you're being told not to feel what you feel. Or you're being told to feel something different than what you feel. And the reason that adults do this is not because they want to hurt you. It's because your emotions upset them. And it makes them feel anxious. And so what they're really trying to do is calm themselves and soothe themselves by telling you not to feel what you feel. And they are doing it unconsciously. They're doing it without even know that they're doing it. And so now you know. When somebody tells you, an adult tells you, stop crying, it's not that big a deal, it doesn't hurt, don't be sad, and you feel sad and you feel hurt, and that scrape on your knee is bleeding, and it does hurt. And you're being told that it doesn't. And you are a little bit scared and maybe a little bit embarrassed. And you're told not to feel any of that. Now you know why. It's because they're anxious inside themselves because of how you are actually being your true self is scaring them. Because they don't know how to deal with you when you're your true self. And it's sad that it has to be that way. And it shouldn't be on you to have to manage that. But your parents don't know any better. So what are you going to do?

SPEAKER_00 7:22

Right. And so this is where Doug, your skill set comes in. And it's changed so many lives for adults and children. You've worked in prisons with parents, with leaders, with every sort of situation imaginable. And it's listen, it Doug teaches you how to listen to emotions so that you feel heard, so that you can calm down, and you feel understood.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

Right.

Name Your Emotions To Calm

SPEAKER_01 7:54

So let's start off with what you can do to help yourself. Let's suppose that you're out running around, maybe you're on your bicycle, maybe you're playing a game, maybe you're playing soccer or something, and you fall down and you skin your knee, and it starts to bleed a little bit, and it hurts. The first thing you want to try to do if you can is just tell yourself what you're feeling. My knee hurts. That's great, stings. I'm a little scared. I'm a little angry that I was so stupid to fall like that. I feel a little embarrassed. But I really feel scared. And I need to be held and loved right now. And nobody is holding me and loving me. So I feel abandoned and unloved. All you have to do is say those real feelings, and those are the real feelings that you have, and the reason that I know they're real is because everybody who has fallen down and skinned their knees has had exactly the same feelings and emotions. Where none of us are different. We all have the same thing. Winslow, did that happen to you when you were young?

SPEAKER_00 9:23

Yeah. And in fact, it's like if I still stub my toe, I still have those feelings.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

That's right. We all have the same emotional feelings, the same experiences every single time. So that's how I know what you're feeling. Because everybody has these feelings, and they're okay. So the way you deal with it is don't look to anybody else to soothe you. And when you start to cry and you start to feel the pain and you're upset, you just name what you're feeling. And as soon as you if you say it out loud, the adults around you are not going to mess with you. Because if you're sitting there, let's just say you're eight years old or nine years old, and you've skinned your knee and it hurts, and you're crying a little bit, you say to yourself, My knee really stings. It hurts. And I'm upset. And a little scared. And I'm a little mad at myself for falling. And I feel a little bit of embarrassment. I feel a little sad because I want to be comforted and soothed. And nobody around me is doing that. So I feel a little bit left out and abandoned and all alone. And right now, I feel like nobody loves me. And that's how you're really feeling. And just say that to yourself. And as you say those words to yourself, all of those feelings will go away. And you'll come back to calm. And it it a it works every single time. And remember what you feel. For example, you feel abandoned, you feel unloved, you want to be soothed, and nobody is there to soothe you. Those are real feelings, but they're not based on necessarily based on the underlying story. There are people who love you and would soothe you and hold you and love you. They're just not present in the moment right now. So in this moment that's what you feel. But that's not who you are. And that does not define or tell you what your life is all about. It's just this emotion that you're having right now. And so it's okay to name it and not analyze it or think about it, but just experience it.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

Yeah, it's it's also interesting in just like we haven't stubbed our toe or skinned our knee right now while we're talking, but when you even just hear it, I notice that I feel more calm.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

That's right. And for those of you who are listening, think about how you're feeling as I name these emotions. Do you feel how you settle inside of yourself? You calm down, you feel, oh yeah, he gets me. That's exactly how I feel.

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Right. You take the deep breath, your shoulders relax.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

That's right. And you can you so you can help yourself.

Use “You Feel” To Help Others

SPEAKER_01 12:38

Now the other thing you can do is you can start listening to other people, how they feel. And you use two words. You feel. So let's suppose that you have one of your friends falls over and skins her knee and starts to cry a little bit. You can go over to her and you can say, Winslow, you're her right now, your knee stings. And you feel sad, you want to be soothed. And you're a little angry at yourself because you'd fell over. And you feel a little embarrassed. And right now you feel abandoned, nobody's paying attention to you, nobody's loving you. So you feel unlovable and abandoned and all alone. And it's making you really unhappy and upset. And your friend is gonna all of a sudden start smiling.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

And say, Yes.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

Exactly. And get up and give you a big hug, and everything's okay. It's you just made the world right for for your friend.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

Right. And you are there to listen.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

And it's all over with in about 30 seconds.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:55

That's the secret.

SPEAKER_00 13:57

Yeah. The you feel.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

Yeah, you feel. And if you can do this and start practicing it and try to do it every time you see there's upset around you, to yourself or to somebody else, it's gonna help you. It's gonna make you stronger, it's gonna make you more powerful, it's gonna make you more confident, and at a much deeper level, it's gonna help your brain grow in ways that most kids don't experience. And you're going to find that if you practice this over the next couple of months and years, that you're gonna grow in bigger, better ways than the kids around you. And in the long run, many, many, many years from now, when you're an adult, you will be different in a really good way.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Yeah. And people will, I think because so few people know how to listen like this, that people will start coming to you to be heard because you know how to actually listen to them.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

Right. And you'll you'll learn how to listen and you'll learn how to understand what people are feeling, and you will never be awkward in a social situation. You'll always know what to say.

unknown 15:24

Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

And you'll be utterly confident no matter where you are, which is a really cool place to be, because when you're confident, you feel powerful. And when you feel powerful, you feel confident. So it's this circular thing that happens. And so often when we're children, we don't lack confidence. I mean, we lack confidence because we lack power. Because we think you have to be a big person to have power. It's not true. The power comes from what's inside you. And when you learn how to listen to emotions, you unlock a big nuclear power plant inside you that gives you tremendous power. But you have to practice. It doesn't just happen. I mean you gotta work out like riding a bicycle.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

Mm-hmm. Yeah, you gotta practice and different ways you could practice would be to have a friend.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

You got a cat or a dog.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Just name it, say, hey, your dog.

unknown 16:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

You're really happy right now. You like your belly rubs. Or cat. Hey kitty, you're really happy right now. You're purring as I scratch your belly. And you're really happy and content. And you feel really soothed. And you want me to keep loving you like this. And it makes you really happy.

SPEAKER_00 16:54

You feel calm, you feel safe.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

There you go. You feel calm and safe. So practice on your dog or your cat.

SPEAKER_00 17:02

Yeah, that's such a great They will never push back on you.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

They they love it, right? They love you know that. They love the attention when you pet them, rub their bellies.

What To Do With Anger

SPEAKER_00 17:12

Now, the one one other scenario I'm thinking of with kids, there's that it's you know, when when someone's sad, it's easier, it may feel easier to listen and to name the emotions with you feel sad, upset. What happens when maybe you're on the playground or you're playing with friends and someone's really gets angry and you feel like it's at you, like they say, you're bossy, or you know, I don't want to play your game. So that's a little bit harder in the beginning.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

Because you feel like somebody, your somebody, another one of your friends, or maybe not friends, just somebody you know, is attacking you, fighting you, insulting you, making you feel bad on purpose. And what's your natural reaction? You want to defend yourself. So maybe you'll go quiet, maybe you'll apologize, maybe you'll fight back with words. You don't have to do any of that. Simply say, Oh you're really angry. You're frustrated. Right now you feel like you're not getting any respect. And you don't feel like anybody's listening to you. And that makes you really sad and unhappy. And so you get angry. Say those words and then watch what happens. And what you'll see is that this person, friend, acquaintance, maybe not even that in the yard will calm down. They'll say yes. They may not thank you. Okay. You just say, okay. And that's all you have to do. It's over with.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

Yeah. And it's like learning to, I I know you've always taught me this, and it's we always have to remind ourselves, but to not take it personally. Like when someone's having an emotion, it's it's not about you, it's about them.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

Right. Even if you're the cause of the upset, maybe you did something wrong and caused somebody to get angry at you. In that moment, when that person, either an adult or another friend of yours, somebody at your age, gets mad, it's not about you in that moment. It's about their feelings and their

Calm First, Solve Problems Later

SPEAKER_01 20:07

emotions. And if you can focus on their emotions and what they're feeling and tell them you feel, they'll calm down. And then when they're calmed down, you can talk about what happened, but not before. You have to be calm before you can talk about what happened.

SPEAKER_00 20:25

Yeah. Yeah, it's like the this skill is the this skill you use for calming people down, for listening, and then problem. The problem solving, which is a whole different thing.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

And then we solve the problem.

unknown 20:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

That's the that's the order. Most people get it backwards.

SPEAKER_00 20:43

Right.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

They try to problem solve thinking that if they problem solve first, they'll calm people down. But what happens is when you try to engage people in problem solving when they're really angry, they don't calm down. They get even angrier. It has the opposite effect. So don't problem solve. Just say you feel and see what happens.

unknown 21:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

Well, Doug, thank you so much. And the this work is this skill set is so important. It it works so well. And it's also the the challenge is that when you're a kid, the adults in your life most likely aren't using this skill set. So it takes courage because you are learning a skill that everyone around you doesn't know. More and more people aren't learning it because this is based in neuroscience and research. But it's it's still not in mainstream day to day life, not yet.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

So you're you get on the cutting edge now.

SPEAKER_00 21:59

Yep. You're leaders in this.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Leaders. Even if you're four or five years old, you're still a leader because you know something that your parents and the adults around you don't know.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

No.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

You don't have to keep it a secret either. Right. It's not a secret power.

SPEAKER_00 22:19

No. You can share it. And in fact, the and for parents too, if you're listening, there will be links below where you can read Doug's books that talk about how to learn this skill, how to problem solve. And there's a lot of examples in your book, Deescalate of how to work, how parents can work with children for a lot of different scenarios.

Practice Daily For Real Power

SPEAKER_00 22:42

So there's a lot of resources out there that you've provided us.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

Oh, I mean, just recognize that when you're when you're not an adult, there's a lot around the world around you that you don't necessarily understand. Some of it you do and you're learning, some of it you don't. And you don't because you're a little person, you don't have the power of a big person. And so you know you learn those limits pretty fast. But the one thing you can be aware of is how you feel. Nobody can take that away from you. And it doesn't matter whether how little you are or how little power you have or how little how w what people think of you, you can still name your own emotions and own them. And that gives you more power than you can possibly believe. But the only way you get there is by doing it.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

Yep, doing it. And every day. So it might be at the end of every day you think about what were three emotions you felt today.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:01

And then you can say, I felt or I feel, you can name them. I felt happy, I felt frustrated, I felt ignored, whatever they are. And then you're just practicing.

SPEAKER_01 24:19

And a little angry at myself. When somebody called me a name today, I felt really sad and angry and embarrassed. And I felt like nobody loved me. That's okay. Say those things because that's how you're really feeling.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

Your truth. Tell yourself what you're feeling.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

And then the magic is that you won't feel as bothered by it. You'll feel more calm.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

It'll all go away.

SPEAKER_00 25:00

Yeah, you can let it go.

SPEAKER_01 25:01

You can let it go. It will actually let go of itself. You don't have to do anything.

SPEAKER_00 25:06

Yeah, it just kind of drifts away. So it's it it's magic. Well, Doug, thank you so much. So grateful for you being my teacher. I'm so grateful that I now can teach this skill to others because I wish that I had learned it as a child. And we all. And don't we all? And at any age, it's an incredible skill set. So thank you so much. Thank you for joining me and the fairies on our fairy podcast. It is an honor to have you with us.

Gifts, Coaching, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 25:40

Take a moment to notice how much lighter and brighter you feel after connecting with the fairies and the beautiful energy of your own heart. If you want more opportunities to be part of fairy school, the fairies have some special gifts for you. They would love to offer you a free month of fairy letters filled with fairy practices, fairy news, and fairy wonders. The fairies and I would also love to offer you a free 30-minute coaching session where you can connect with your heart magic and inner sparkle even more. And we host a free fairy school class on YouTube live every Monday at 3 p.m. Mountain Time. You can find more information at winslovale.com. We can't wait to share more fairy adventures, stories, and practices with you on our next episode. Thank you for listening. See you next time.