Growing Through The Madness
Tagline: Hustle vibes and a lil chaos.
Hosted by Abi, Growing Through the Madness is a vibrant podcast where storytelling meets culture & where everyday growth is celebrated!
This is your dose of hustle, heart, and some chaos. We dive into personal journeys, societal shifts, and the rich experiences - all through a relatable lens.
From life realizations to cultural hot-takes, Abi brings her unique voice as an African Canadian; creating space for real talk and real growth. No experts, No preaching - just honest stories, shared lessons, and a whole lot of love.
Cheers to growing through life's madness!
🎙️ New episodes bi-weekly — moving to weekly soon
Listen wherever you get your podcasts
🎥 Watch on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@GrowingTTM
Growing Through The Madness
S1 E10: Growing through the holidays - Enjoy with sense
Wishing you the blessings of the season & a wonderful 2026!!
The holidays can feel like glitter and gravity at the same time, so we poured a drink and got honest about both.
We talk about finding real joy without pretending, how to bring a gentle ritual back into December, and why small choices like lights at home or a quiet planning session for the new year can reset your whole vibe. From intentional gifting to charitable giving, we share ways to show love that don’t drain your time, wallet, or sanity.
Work party season gets a full breakdown: what to wear when you want festive and polished, how to enjoy an open bar without next-day regrets, and why you should skip the after-party if it doesn’t align with your boundaries. We get into the social upside too: connecting with coworkers, celebrating wins, and letting people see the side of you that doesn’t fit in a calendar invite.
Then we wade into the holiday romance pool, from cuffing season to the Lagos and Accra “Detty December” whirlwind. The game plan: have fun, ask the right questions early, and let January reveal who’s consistent.
We round things out with two friendship dilemmas: being excluded from a group plan and choosing self-respect, and standing firm when a best friend pushes to place a college kid in a paid-off condo.
Boundaries aren’t cold; they are care in action.
If you love real talk, gentle humour, and practical takeaways on holidays, gifting, office parties, and dating, this one’s for you.
Subscribe, share with a friend who needs a boundary pep talk, and leave a review to tell us your top holiday rule.
Cheers to 2025 and even a better 2026. Cheers. Welcome back to Green Through the Madness. I am your host, Abby, and as you can see, it's Christmas time. And I have back with us today Justina. JT. Hi. The JT of Toronto, like I said before. The one and only. You know. And we're gonna chairst this. Yep. The last episode of 2025.
SPEAKER_01:Yep, yep.
SPEAKER_00:Get in there.
SPEAKER_01:Fantastic.
SPEAKER_00:So the episode today is going to be a little different. It's gonna be fun. We're just going to answer some questions. She does have some dilemmas from me that I haven't seen before. I haven't read them. So you're gonna get my true first reaction. Okay. So before we get started, what do you think about the holidays? Are you a Christmas person? Are you like, oh guys, stop? I don't want to hear this no more.
SPEAKER_01:I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I could get into it, but sometimes it could feel very overwhelming. So it depends on my mood. I'm not against it. It's pretty during the season. You have lights, you have the decor. Everyone is merry. Lots of shopping. So I lots of shopping. I can hate it, you know. But sometimes it's a bit overwhelming.
SPEAKER_00:It's too much.
SPEAKER_01:A bit too much for me.
SPEAKER_00:Sometimes. But what makes it too much? People.
SPEAKER_01:Just people. The activities at work. Just so much stuff happening around the holidays at work. And there's this sense of urgency to wrap up the year and kick off the holidays. So the anxiety to finish off the year strong and take some time off makes it all very overwhelming.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah. I think for me, in recent years, I've decided that I'm gonna try to bring back like I just want to have some Christmas spirit. So over the last like three years, I have been more intentional about that. Like I have a Christmas tree, I have lights in my apartment. It looks like there's Christmas outside, if you know what I mean. How do I feel about the holidays? I don't know. I don't have strong feelings about the holidays. I don't mind the holidays because people are happy. I also love December because it's my birth month. Clock it. And what else I like about I like December as well because I get to like reflect on the year, plan for the new year. Work starts to slow down in December. I think the executives are fine are finally going back to their families. Finally, I'm crying. Yeah, so that's why I like December, and it just happens to be around Christmas as well. So I do not mind it at all. Well, that's my thing. Um, what do you think about gifting during the holidays?
SPEAKER_01:I love it. I mean, I went shopping today to buy some gifts for my family members, so it was nice to be present and taking the time to think about what they would like and what you remember them saying they want for the holidays. It's nice to gift your loved ones, so I don't I'm not against it. It's just the process of making that selection, it could be overwhelming. Like I went I went into the mall today, so it was a lot. It was a lot, just so many people there. It was yeah. Personally, I'd rather not shop in person, but I think I I liked the idea of going out there to get something intentional for the people I care about. So yeah, I'm open to it.
SPEAKER_00:That's fair. Like for me, I think that's fair, and that's nice. I actually like I think you're trying to participate in the giving. So you're like, it's a personal experience, let me be there. I picked it out. I didn't just look a lot. Yeah, exactly. I think you feel it, you have an interaction with the product, yeah, and you wrap it. Do you wrap like it?
SPEAKER_01:Yes, I am not the best gift wrapper, so my sister is gonna take care of that. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You don't want to see my gift wrapping skills.
SPEAKER_00:Sometimes you can just buy a gift bag and put a lot of tissue inside. Yeah, lots of tissue.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, my sister went all out. We got the bags, we got the tissue, we got the wrapping papers.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, everything.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, she's gonna do everything. She loves it, she's quite talented in that area. Just not my forte guys.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01:I could learn, but why?
SPEAKER_00:You don't have to, you don't have to. Yeah, maybe one day I will have a reason to. Yeah. Okay, for me, gifting. I'm not really a big gifter during the holidays, even though I consider myself a generous person. Yeah, I'm not a gifter in the traditional way. What I started to do in university was to think about people like just people in general. So, for example, in university, I lived in the same city. My my family lives in the same city. I went to school. I would think of people at church or in my community who don't have a place to celebrate Christmas, and I will invite them over. Hey, that's nice. And my my parents used to host when I was at home, they will host people. It was always good vibes to be to be honest. So those people will come over. So that's one way. Second thing I think about is like that's when I start thinking more about charitable organizations. Where do I want to put my money? What needs the money more? And the last one is my parents, like my family is not like my when I say family, my mom and my dad, they are not, they didn't give me Christmas gifts growing up, so I didn't grow up with it. Even birthday presents is sometimes I think I just remember receiving cash. No, aunties and uncles would do that, but I'm like, I'm okay. My mom will get me like a Christmas dress.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. Same, same.
SPEAKER_00:And then I started revolting because I'm like, where's my birthday dress? She's like, Yeah, it's one for I'm like, no. Oh, yeah, because your brother's also in the same time. I'm like 1625, two different days. Yeah, no, but so I got cheated on that. But what I saw that my parents did that I really liked was in the year, I I I don't know if they even sat to think about this, but I noticed they would they didn't, I don't think they they didn't give to the same people every year. So they will think about who has really been there for them, and it's really a way to say thank you, right? So she they'll just buy stuff and give it to them. They also do things with like extended family, they're very thoughtful about what families are we giving to, and that's a tradition I have picked up. This is why I think about charitable organizations. Also, I saw my parents like give back, like I remember growing up, and we'll go to my grandma's house, we'll get we'll have bags of rice, and we did that. So, in my way, I also give back to my parents. Office parties, what do you think? Do you go?
SPEAKER_01:I go, I tend to be involved in just social committees at work, it's a good way to just know your co-workers, participate, lead different initiatives, you know, just know your co-workers outside the regular shenanigans of work. I do attend office parties, holiday parties. We have a ton that happen around the same time. We have our intergroups holiday parties, so it's like three different businesses or four that come together to celebrate this time around. We went to an arcade, so that was fun. Okay, yeah, yeah. It was it was like people were quite competitive in that group, and then we had one under my senior director. We went to have brunch somewhere and we gifted each other, we played white elephants.
SPEAKER_00:What do you think about white elephants? Do you like it?
SPEAKER_01:It's so fun, it's actually crazy.
SPEAKER_00:Do you do you like your co-workers? Yeah, yeah, I do.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, because you can guess who bought what gift. I was lucky enough to get a gift I really liked, so I hid it to make sure no one stole it. Oh, look at you, correct. Oh, but I actually take my time to pick a gift that I would like, right? Not just a gift card, but shout out to those who bring gift cards because at least they're participating in the process.
SPEAKER_00:And at least the person can buy what they want.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. So some flexibility there. And then we had another one on the another holiday party with my VP, so our particular business group. So that was within the office premise. We booked an auditorium, and it was uh we had a 12-day of Christmas carol presentation, but the office version of it, so 12 days of Christmas, you see something that your group achieved. It was it was just really interesting. It was fun. We had apple cider, we had like a full lunch, and each table had to sing a Christmas carol, so it was like karaoke. Yeah, it was super fun. Okay, okay, yeah. So I actually don't mind the Christmas party.
SPEAKER_00:Okay to your employer, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And then we I had one with my my manager, so everyone under his team, so we went out for lunch. I know, and then we had another one for my core squad, like it was just it was a lot, yeah, yeah. So I'm I wouldn't say I'm glad it's over, but it was it's always so memorable to connect with them outside work. So I encourage it, like, go have fun. Would I do I drink? Yeah, I maybe I'll take have a glass of wine or two. Some people have shots like after you're allowed to after the holiday event. Maybe we go to a second location and continue the party, but I personally don't do that just because I just want to go home after a point in time, but yes, it's always a good time with my co-workers.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I I think for me, I love our holiday parties. I think my employer knows how to have a good party.
SPEAKER_01:I've seen your videos and I enjoy it.
SPEAKER_00:I'm not gonna lie, and honestly, cue to people saying, I don't want to go to the LA budget, my sister or my brother. You've been working hard, spend their money, go for everything. You earned it because you've been working hard all year. Let them spend that cash on you. Go one number two is you get to see people's real character. Like when like I I think I enjoy getting to know my co-workers during those parties or those in events and stuff. So for me, I go for the big one for the whole company and my employer, and we do dress up because it's always like grand. You guys have a gala, yeah. Like it's a nice like location or whatever, and we you know how people are like, Oh, we can see no, we dress up, and there's always like theme every year, so yeah. I always think of oh, what am I gonna wear? However, you know it's a war, it's a party, but it's still work parties, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my company didn't allow shots, but there's a lot of drinks, and the bar is open until 1145. So 1145.
SPEAKER_01:It's an open bar.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's an open bar.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, they always drink tickets, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So like people, some people really drink. I don't. Once I start to feel a little bit like if I get a nice point, I can't get like it has to just be at that point. Once it starts to feel like it's getting higher than that point, I stop drinking or I go home. I don't do the after parties with nobody. I don't mind hearing gossip after. I don't want to be part of, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see, I don't want to see nothing, but at least they see me, they see me participating, they see a little bit of my personality, the personality I want them to see. They see not like I'm hiding anything. I'm still very just to a point you feel comfortable, yeah. A point that I feel comfortable. I'm not out with my girlfriends, yeah. Right? Even on the dance floor, I'm still like mind. Like I dance, but I'm mindful because it's demire, it's not even like I dance, but it's just I'm not working on the dance.
SPEAKER_01:I know what you mean.
SPEAKER_00:I'm not out with my girls, so a little office. Go have a great time, but be mindful, don't be flirting with people. Yes, I'm still at work at the end of the day, and then what I wear, I'm careful, like I'm more I still look nice, but I do have a buddy, so I'm more careful about what I pick versus if I was just going out. It's like, oh, like for example, when I go for weddings, I try to be careful as well. Cause I think, especially like the ceremony, like the church wedding, I try to be very respectful. Yeah, I don't want to just show off.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you have to be conservative, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:A little bit more, like I still you know, I can still dress the way I like, but I'm very mindful of it.
SPEAKER_01:It's like conservative, sexy.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I don't mind the sexy part, but just a little bit more mindful that there's a sacred space, you know, like have a scarf on, things like that. So I'm very careful like that. So with work parties, I can wear like a little alternative, not little, like an alternate dress is fine, but my top is covered. I don't wear short dresses, like super super short. No, I wouldn't do that. Things like that. Like, yeah, we do I like I like that. We do have fun during our holidays. I do.
SPEAKER_01:Like I recommend go to the holiday party.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, is go to your holiday parties, have fun doing that, and one more thing. So, what do you think about studying to date during the holidays? Or like starting a relationship and things like that. What do you think?
SPEAKER_01:It depends okay, on when, where, and who. The big three Ws. I think if you meet someone during vacation, you travel somewhere, it could be exciting, it could be for the moment. It's a transient city, transient moment, chances are it may carry on. You guys might leave that location and it dies there. I think it's just not having a lot of expectations from the beginning and just kind of go with the flow. But you know, some people just say, When you know, you know. If that's the case, then I don't know, go for it. Also, people talk about you know, dirty December in Lagos, and they always warn people like if you meet a man who says he loves you, he doesn't love you.
SPEAKER_00:What's dead of December?
SPEAKER_01:Did it December in Lagos? Come on, girl.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, but like I know what Daddy December is, but some people don't.
SPEAKER_01:Oh well, I feel like this should be in the dictionary. We need a definition in the dictionary. Dirty December is a period of celebration in uh Lagos, Nigeria, where people in diaspora, so Nigerians in diaspora, or even non-Nigerians, go to Lagos to have a merry time and acra. Well, it all started it all started in Lagos, so so talking about Decid December in general, so it could be Lagos, but now Accra has joined the chat, so let's just put that in there. But ideally, it was started out in Lagos, and there are just a tons, tons of events for you to go to, it's super fun. You meet all the ballers, all the baddies, everyone is there from all parts of the world, so it's a very congested Lagos at that point in time, but it's just so much fun, and everybody's just in that like super excited mood. There is this openness to what the world is gonna give you, and anything could happen, right? So that's just the idea of to me, anyways. That's my description of it. Um, but go online and just put up put the hashtag 10th of December and see what comes up. Yeah, but long story short is people always say if you meet a guy or someone indebted during the 30th of December, just assume it's just for that moment and give it time, maybe like February to see if this guy or the person really means February, yeah, going to or even April to see if they actually mean what they say.
SPEAKER_00:April. January.
SPEAKER_01:For consistency's sake, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:January January 10. That's though, because like honestly, those people they're back home.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so they'll either so it's either the person you meet the person, the person is a resident of Lagos or the home country where you're celebrating death of December, or you the person is a visitor, so it's either a situation where one person stays and one person leaves, right? But your idea is that dating in that period is just up in the air, so anything could happen. Who are you dating? So that's the third W.
SPEAKER_00:I was sorry, what are the first two?
SPEAKER_01:So where, when, where, and who.
SPEAKER_00:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:So who are you dating? So who you meet all depends on I don't know, end of the year. Like it's depends on where that person is. So if like if it's winter, maybe people are just more open to find someone to hibernate with during the summer. Or you can meet someone who is actually ready for something serious. So I just don't know if there's a correct answer to this, right? I think you just have to be aware of just three W's and make sure you're aligned to what you're looking for when you're engaging with the person, where you're engaging with them, and when you're engaging with them.
SPEAKER_00:I'm not sure if that makes sense, but but yeah, that's so the three Ws, right? So when, who, and where?
SPEAKER_01:I don't think I did it in the order that you doesn't matter as long as you got them straight.
SPEAKER_00:And I agree with some of most of the things that you said, or even everything that you said, because like when I am on vacation and I mean a man, honestly, in my head, yeah, just in Lana Land.
SPEAKER_01:It's a Hallmark movie. Oh my god, anything could happen.
SPEAKER_00:Everything that is happening there is happening there. It's a case of whatever stays happens in Vegas. What stays in Vegas? So I I I'm also jaded, so I don't believe it's I don't I don't know how I got here, but I don't know if I really believe men no more. So like you can say all the sweet things.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, it could be real, it could be a real connection. That's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_00:Like we'll we'll find out after.
SPEAKER_01:Just give time, just let it flow.
SPEAKER_00:And that's what I feel about December as well. Everybody's happy. You're most people are happy. It's also one of the there's also a season where people are very lonely and sad. I think it's two extreme emotions. But because most people, like a lot of people are also happy, people, I feel like I don't have the data to back this up. So I'm gonna say that. But I feel like I feel like people can exaggerate good feelings and think, oh my god, I like this girl or I like this guy, and da da da da da da da da.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And then come January 4th, you're like, what was I thinking? I just don't want to be on the other side of what was I thinking, you know. I don't also want to connect with me and think on the 4th of January, what was I thinking? What was I thinking in Jesus? May you not be worried? Yeah, what was I thinking in Jesus' name? Amen. Say amen. Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Amen. I would say thoughtful pace. So just being aware of how things are progressing, not trying to get ahead of yourself. I also think having important conversations early is critical. Yes. Before you start, you know, building a vision with this person, like this is our life together, like with me during Christmas, we kissed on how to miss it all, all that fun, sexy, romantic stuff that people dream about. But I would say just being aware of the pace and just making sure that you know you apply a little bit of logic in the midst of all the beautiful things happening around you, right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Have fun. Yeah. I'm not saying I think date, dates during the holidays, have a great time. Just don't hold on on the promises until after the season is once the season dies, the season dies down, then you really know where a person's head is at.
SPEAKER_01:Especially if you meet them in Lagos.
SPEAKER_00:Especially if you meet them in Legos at Accra, double, double and desperate to you. Cause like, and you know the thing about let's talk about West African men. Okay. It's just like, no, I don't want to talk about that. But I also think West African men are fine.
SPEAKER_01:That's in what sense?
SPEAKER_00:They look good. Oh, yeah. They look good, they're mostly tall, they have good charisma, they have confidence. A lot of things that I like. So a lot of things that we like. There's no saving you. So just be careful. And you're going to where they are. If you go to African Lagos, when they have the most power. They're charged up. That is where they are. So when you get there, just use two for the batch C, apparently batch C. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then don't worry about it. But batch C people, I just got back. IJB. IJGB. IJGB. Wear sense. Don't let the sense wear you. Okay. What did I shake say? I don't know.
SPEAKER_01:Before they use me, I go use my sense.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. Use your o we. But if you find love in December, good for you, babes. I love it for you.
SPEAKER_01:Even if you get caught up in the madness, just to make sure you don't identify what's going on quickly and yeah, I don't take a step back.
SPEAKER_00:Don't also like if true love comes, please don't let it go. Like, hold on to it. There's nothing in the streets.
SPEAKER_01:That's what I'm saying. Just be aware of what's happening. Be pace yourself. Yeah. You know, talk about things with your friends. Be open. Show them his picture. Show them his picture. Cause you know, that's could be their friend's husband or boyfriend or wife. Like, just you know, be be on top of it. That's what I would say. But have fun. But just you know, don't get caught up in the madness.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, have fun. Have all the fun you can. It's the season for it. So I encourage that. So you oh wait, we already talked about the holiday red flags because you you mentioned in dating. Okay, yeah. Yeah, you already helped us through that. So Justina here has some dilemmas. I don't know if she has one or two for me that we're both gonna solve. So I'm just gonna have her take the stage. I haven't heard this before, like I told you in the beginning. So we are we are all hearing this for the first time together, okay? Okay, go ahead.
SPEAKER_01:So Am I the asshole for quietly leaving a group plan after being left out of the conversation? I'm still not sure if I handled this the right way, so I am here for an outside perspective. Okay. Last weekend, a small group of friends, five of us total, made plans to meet up for dinner and then walk around a local street fair. The plan itself was casual, but it was something we had all agreed on earlier in the week. I cleared my evening for it. The day off, we were coordinating through a group chat. I messaged asking what time we were meeting and where exactly. No one responded. About 15 minutes later, I saw two people in the chat sending memes to each other. So I figured they had seen my message and would answer soon. They didn't. I sent a follow-up about 20 minutes later asking if plans had changed. Still nothing. At that point, I assumed maybe everyone was already together and just forgot to loop me in. But I didn't want to jump to conclusions. I went ahead and drove to the general area we had talked about, thinking I would figure it out when I got there. Eventually, I saw on social media that two of them were already at a restaurant nearby. I didn't want to cause a scene or make things awkward. So instead of confronting anyone, I just went home. I didn't announce that I was leaving, or s I didn't I did not announce that I was leaving or send a passive aggressive message. I figured it was better to call off and talk about it later. The next morning, one friend messaged asking why I ghosted the plan and said it was rude to disappear without saying anything. I explained that I had asked multiple times for details, did not get responses, and did not feel comfortable showing up uninvited once it seemed like things had already started without me. They said I should have spoken up more directly, and that leaving without saying anything made it look like I did not care. I said it felt like I was already being sidelined and I didn't did not want to beg for attention. Now the group feels a little tense. Some friends think I overreacted and should have just walked up to them anyway, while others say it's reasonable not to chase people who are not responding. I did not intend to punish anyone, I just did not want to force myself into a situation where I clearly wasn't being included. I might be asked for leaving quietly instead of pushing my way into the plan. I know.
SPEAKER_00:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:What do you think?
SPEAKER_00:Okay, what do I think? I think seriously, go where you are wanted. There are five people in the group, you said.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Two of them maybe they are best friends. We don't know. Yeah. But two of them met up, didn't tell the rest of the group. Why you why are you pissed at me for not showing up? Go where you you're not the asshole, in my opinion. I feel like if they wanted you there, you would have been there. They would have said something. And honestly, I wouldn't walk up to I wouldn't walk up to them at a restaurant or if I if I knew that they were at a restaurant. I'm not myself respect thank you, Jesus Christ. But I wouldn't do that. I'm just like, okay, points taken. Thank you for letting me know where I stand. I'ma keep it moving. Yeah. However, the one thing I would have done differently was followed up. Like maybe after asking once, because sometimes messages get like people don't realize a message is there. It happens with group chats all the time. So you could have just reminded them. Like, especially the two people that sent the memes and say, guys, do we have plans for today? If you had followed up maybe once, then that's fine. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. They're your friends. At the same time, you were not that this person is not an asshole for not chasing, for not going to the restaurant, for not begging. In short, you even drove, you didn't even have energy. You got into your car and drove. I wouldn't have done that. Yeah. Once I didn't get a response, I definitely would have like followed up. If I go to the areas for something else, it's not because of you guys.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I'm okay.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:What do you think?
SPEAKER_01:You know, it's interesting because all depends on their dynamics, the dynamic in the group chat. So, and also their relationship style. So, if it's more of like we've known each other for years, and chances are like this person doesn't respond all the time. I'm just gonna go meet them there. And like maybe that was the expectation they had based on like, how do you just leave? Like, you could have just come, like it's not a big deal, right? Versus this person who feels like if they wanted me there, they would have told me. So I think they were just both reacting or interpreting the situation from different angles, so maybe that's why one person felt ignored and left out, while the others felt like it's not that much of a big deal because I've just showed up, anyways, right? But if they had all casually agreed to meet somewhere and plans changed, I think the least they could have done was to let the person know, like, hey, we're actually gonna be here if in case she showed up there, and then also the fact that they started complaining about the fact about OP not OP is the person who wrote in the Delma, who about OP leaving and not understanding how he or she felt was insensitive. They could have taken accountability around their lack of responses and just their lack of care. Yeah, because anything could have happened to the friend, right? So on both ends, I think just a lot of misalignment, miscommunication. I don't think this person is an asshole though. I think they need some time apart. Maybe they just have different expectations around friendship and communication.
SPEAKER_00:It's a bare minimum though.
SPEAKER_01:I know it's a bare minimum. So I'm just saying some people just pisses me off. Like some people just don't take things so seriously. I I get it. I just think people are that's true, people are just different, you know. Like, but if you look at your friendship holistically, you have to figure out what other aspects of this friendship is beneficial to you, and it's just really a deal breaker, right? Unless this has been happening continuous consistently over a period of time. But yeah, I don't think person is an asshole. What what's the first comment we have here? The gaslighting for real. If they had missed OP, they would have texted or called as soon as they noticed the absence.
SPEAKER_00:They're like, Where are you at?
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. They clearly weren't concerned about it at the time. They're not really friends with OP or would have reached out at the very least to confirm OP hadn't been in a car wreck or something. That's true. They would have said sorry as soon as she explained being left out. That's what friends do. They apologize and try to make it up to you. They blinked OP, which is them trying to re-sign, reassign the shitty behavior. So not the asshole, reclaim your power, OP.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so one last one. Okay. This is a long one. It's all like friendship related.
SPEAKER_00:It's okay. We are here.
SPEAKER_01:Actually, you know what? Let me it's Christmas. Okay. You can make that.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, you have another one?
SPEAKER_01:Uh no, this is a good one. It's a bit long. Am I the asshole for not letting my best friend take advantage of me?
SPEAKER_00:Best friend. I know the best friend to me relates to sister, basically. That's your family member.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that's fine. This is a throwaway account. My best friend Diane and I have known each other since elementary school. Diane is dating Roy. He has two teens who stay with him half of the time. I will refer to them as Diane's stepkids. Now, onto the issue. I'm getting married in six months. My fianza leaves or my fiance leaves in another state and I'll be moving to leave with him. I own a condo fully paid off, and I'm keeping it so I have a place to stay when I come back for work meetings and visiting family. My fiance also has family here, so I estimate will be back here every other month, more or less. Diane agreed to hold an emergency key in case maintenance needs to access my condo. I thought I had everything settled until two weeks ago. Diane and I met for lunch and she says she has a proposal for me. Her stepson goes to college near my condo. She says it would be good for good if stepson condo sat for me. That way I wouldn't not have to worry about the place when I'm not there. He would pay me a small stipend each month to cover anywhere or tear. He would stay with his father whenever I am in town. She says it would be a win-win situation as I'll be making a little bit of income on an apartment that would otherwise be empty. In a split second, I imagine all the liabilities I would be exposed to by having a very social college kid living unsupervised in my home. Coming home and having to clean up behind him, complaints from neighbors and poor and my poor bed. Nope. Honestly, just the idea Nope, honestly, just the idea of anyone living in my home when I'm not there is unappealing. I get it. So I thanked my friend for the idea and told her I just didn't did not want anyone living in my condo. I wanted to be able to come and go as I pleased without worrying about it. She kept pushing the issue, telling me why it why it is a great idea, with me telling her no and reasons why. Finally, she said that on the basis of our friendship, would I at least think about it overnight? I told her that she was basically asking me to take on a tenant and all the financial and legal responsibilities that come with it. So if she truly believed this was a good idea, she and her boyfriend will have to sign a contract making them financially responsible for any and all liabilities. She asked why did she have to be on the contract? I said I was only asking of her what she was asking of me. She got quiet. I told her to think about it and get back to me. Roy later called me and said he would be willing to sign the contract. I said Diane would have to sign it too, as she's the only reason why I'm considering it. I then explained to him why I wanted to keep the apartment empty. He told me Diane came to him with the idea and said she would talk to me about it. He would not have bothered with it if he knew the full story. It was a pleasant conversation. The next day, Diane called and said that I embarrassed her to her boyfriend. I told her if she had just respected that I was not interested in a proposal, we would not have had this problem. Am I the asshole in how I handled this? To be clear, I did not give her the key yet. I was going to give it to her closer to when I was going to move. I did not plan on giving her the key anymore. I know.
SPEAKER_00:What do you think? I think that her best friend was what was she trying to achieve? I think she was not respecting boundaries. I think that that's how I'll approach my friend. I'll be like, is that okay? Even okay, so for example, if I'm going, okay, no, best friend, that's like your sister. So I guess on Diane's on Diane's part, she probably was thinking there's no way she'll say no to me, forgetting that her best friend has agency to say no. Yeah, that's true. So I understand why Diane is hurt, but I feel like Diane is a little entitled to because her explanations make sense. I don't want a college kid who is very social to stay in my apartment.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Like I'm thinking of this apartment, for example. I don't want a college kid that is very social. It's different if this kid, like she knows the kid well. She's like his auntie. Yeah. So if the kid was like, you know, homebody, just about his studies, there's nothing wrong with college kids socializing. That's what they're supposed to be doing. Yeah. But like if this kid was like calm, okay, I'm not saying not calm is not the right word, but like more of a homebody, clean, quiet, she would have more, she'll be more willing. I feel like she'll have been more willing to versus a very social kid. So I think she this Diane person is not trying to understand her perspective. And and I don't the shock answer is she's not an asshole, and she was setting boundaries, and the boundaries were very good. Like, sign a contract, I want you to be on the contract so that you and your boyfriend are both livable. Because, like, what if you guys break up and things like that? You're like, oh, sorry, that's not my business anymore, we're not together.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, like, yeah, no. I think she a best friend failed to understand the legal repercussions that comes with having a tenant. Because technically, if this kid stays in a condom for a period of time, receives mail, technically he leaves there now, right? So it might be hard to even get him to leave. It might get a bit complicated. If something happens, she's liable. And perhaps she wasn't just willing to put herself in that situation.
SPEAKER_00:And that's your best friend, too. You don't want that kind of energy. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01:So not avoiding to strain the relationship. She just said this might not just be a good idea, unless I can get some guarantee from you and your well, step boyfriend who's the father to the kid, that you're liable for anything that happens within this condo, within this space, and she wasn't willing to do that, which is kind of weird.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So she's like, okay, help me out, but you don't want to be legal, but but you want me to be legal Don D.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, she wasn't, I don't think she was being quite considerate. Like, I don't like if it was a different context of like, oh, I'm sick, come help me out. I need like, you know, like maybe my son is sick. We need somewhere close by so he can do X, Y, Z, like that's a little different. Best was like, he just needs somewhere to stay when his when he has his dad living in the same city, he's kind of like, why don't you just go stay with the dad, right?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So yeah, I don't think she's an asshole. I think she asserted boundaries and a friend just needs to respect the boundary and not hold it against her and not feel entitled to her paid paid in full condo units.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and if she wanted to rent this space out, she would have just done that.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. She would have just done that and she would treat it like a regular tenant onboarding process, which is if this is a college kid, it most likely needs a guarantor, which is basically her and the the husband or the boyfriend, right? So, yeah, another hassle. But uh yeah, so that's that's it really. Those are my two dilemma for you.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you for sharing. You're welcome. Okay, before we finish the episode or before we before we end, I have some I don't know if it's called rapid fire, but just like quick questions for you. Some of them, I feel I feel like we've gone through them, but like okay. So one trust me? Okay. Okay, okay. Okay. Start dating during the holidays or wait till January.
SPEAKER_01:I am indifferent. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I'm leaning towards wait till January, but if love if love comes knocking, please enter.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:That's that's where I stand. Um coughing season coughing season. Is it season? Yeah. Coughing season, real or fake.
SPEAKER_01:Like if you're starting someone around coughing season, so you think it's a thing. It's definitely a thing. I mean, when I was in undergrad, it was definitely a thing. I think people tend to hibernate and they're more indoors, so you just rather have someone steady to go with during that period. But doesn't mean it might be a real connection, it could just be out of convenience, right?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, so you think it's real? Okay.
SPEAKER_01:I do think it's real, because just terms just don't come out of nowhere.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I don't have an opinion. I don't care if it's real or not. But you're right.
SPEAKER_01:But I think I think it's a bit juvenile, but yeah, it is real.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, if I'll be real, holiday dates, should it be romantic or is that too much pressure?
SPEAKER_01:Like if someone is planning a date during the holidays? Yes, like I feel like all dates should be romantic. What are we doing about? Okay, like romantic and adventurous, if possible, but yeah, romantic. Sprinkle of romance.
SPEAKER_00:What do you mean too much pressure? So would you bring somebody to your work holiday party?
SPEAKER_01:No.
SPEAKER_00:Like if you had to, if they allow out plus ones.
SPEAKER_01:No, we have to be in a relationship. We have to be like I know my co-workers. They're gonna be like, oh Justina, wow, interesting. Who's that guy? How did it work out? I mean, like, you know what, they wouldn't really care if things didn't really work out because like my co-workers are cool, but I just would rather not. I think if it's serious, you've met my friends before, with maybe you've met some of my family members, yeah. Then I'll bring you to my work event. Like, that's a big deal for me. Yeah, yeah, that's crazy. I wouldn't just bring a random person to a work event. Maybe like a maybe like if it's like a volunteer social thing, I would do that. Like it's like a big deal. But someone like a work event where I where I spend most of my time, nah. I have no reason to do that.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I I feel the same. Like, I wouldn't take someone I am just casually seeing, or I haven't established the closeness of the relationship to even my friends, like even my friends don't get to see that person until I feel a bit comfortable.
SPEAKER_01:Sometimes I actually want my friend to meet the person earlier on so that they can, you know, give me the vibes. What are they feeling while they're observing? But I think everyone just do what makes you comfortable.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So do you think holiday texting is sweet or cringe?
SPEAKER_01:What are you texting me? Happy holidays? Merry Christmas? Happy New Year? Why are you texting me every day? Like holiday jokes.
SPEAKER_00:Happy holidays or Merry Christmas, happy new year. I wish you XYZ.
SPEAKER_01:It's alright, it's nice, it's thoughtful.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. But like if you don't text me, like it's not a big deal too.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, if you don't text me, it's a big deal.
SPEAKER_01:Like, is it like this is a person I'm dating, or like this is just like general like holiday dating, we are talking. Oh, and you don't send me like a.
SPEAKER_00:You're not my man yet. Uh. But you're trying to tell me that you want to be my man. If you don't text me on Merry Christmas. Oh, yeah, that's you don't text me happy new year. Is it when a big deal?
SPEAKER_01:Is it won't it's a big deal if you don't text me every day.
SPEAKER_00:Deletes deletes me from my memory.
SPEAKER_01:Even like me. No, you don't. That's what I'm saying. Like, so texting me, I think texting me on the holidays is like the bare minimum. Yeah. But texting me every day is like the barest of the bare minimum. So I assume you would text me Merry Christmas on Christmas Day because you're texting me on that day as usual, right?
SPEAKER_00:And don't you want to see me at some point? Except, okay, no, no, no, no, no. If we just started talking, I probably don't want, like, I don't care about making plans. If we just literally started talking, because I probably have plans with like my family or my friends. Yeah, yeah. But then, yeah, so that's fine. We don't have to have plans together. But like, if you don't text or call me on the holiday, delete me from your memory. It's okay. Let's just, it's fine. I'm not even fighting with you. It's okay. Yeah, it's fine. I have more, but we are done. Well, no, let's keep on going. What is it? I'm actually here. I'm into it. Okay, okay. So, one thing, what do you think people do overdo at holiday parties?
SPEAKER_01:Oh, well, I don't know, like nobody really does. I think it just does ugly sweaters. Like, sometimes people just take it. You don't like them. Oh god. You never catch me one. I'm sorry. Unless I really have to wear one. Let's say I am the vice president of a group and it's like a mandate, but like, uh, you would have to pay to see me. And then sometimes people go over the top, like they put like decorations in it, and it looks like a tree, and then just like they have lights.
SPEAKER_00:It's just like, uh, what is going on? Yeah, people do that.
SPEAKER_01:Ah, that's over the top for me. I was like, well, actually, I'm not a very festive person, so when I see things like that, I get wow, that is interesting. Yeah, I'm like, wow, that is quite creative. That's what I was saying.
SPEAKER_00:I like the Christmas sweater thing. Yeah, I always I joked at work the last one. I was like, I don't wear ugly. I was like, I don't wear ugly, guys, but I that's just a joke. But really, I don't like to wear ugly. I don't think I wear ugly, anyways. Back to the point of the matter. I wear Christmas sweaters and stuff, and I like the idea of oh, it's it's ugly. Like most people don't wear an ugly sweater during for the ugly sweater thing at work or a party or whatever.
SPEAKER_01:I'm usually one of the few people know wearing one.
SPEAKER_00:But people wear a sweater, it doesn't have to be ugly.
SPEAKER_01:I just wear red. It's like that's fine.
SPEAKER_00:This is the best second door, guys. Yeah, people wear sweaters, but it doesn't have to be ugly, which is okay, right? So I like that. What is one thing that I think people overdo at parties? I don't like when people overdrink at parties. I start to catch secondhand embarrassment.
SPEAKER_01:I think like it's like sometimes people are just so comfortable with their co-workers. Like, I know certain people who've worked together for like seven years, like they're basically buddies, buddies, and they really like each other. Like they probably chat with each other outside work, you know. It's I think it all depends on the dynamics and the level of comfort with the individuals in our group.
SPEAKER_00:But like the whole office, like let's say your whole company has a party, and I mean, I guess everybody's different. Sometimes people have I've heard of stories where people uh would over drink and they get in trouble.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, just like I recommend just don't do it if you cannot hold your liquor. If you don't know when to stop, yeah, that's kind of insane, you know. Like just kind of dial it back.
SPEAKER_00:Because we can see that you're not okay.
SPEAKER_01:Like, you want me to take you seriously the next day? Come on, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:We can see.
SPEAKER_01:Well, like I guess we listen and we don't judge, like that's just a moment having fun. Sure, but moderation is key.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, just take it easy. What's your holiday pet peeve? Okay, you already told me your holiday pet piv.
SPEAKER_01:Which one's sweaters?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, overdoing the sweater thing.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I think caroling could be a lot. Like people singing Christmas carols. I mean, it's nice, like oh, I love Christmas.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, like, yeah, yeah, oh my god. Like in my high school, we used to have Carol Knight. Oh, I love Caroline. I love Carol Knight.
SPEAKER_01:Maybe it's just someone's me attending an event and they're Caroline, that's fine. But I think if just people, like a group of people on the street just singing Christmas songs. Oh, okay, okay. I've seen it, I've seen it in my area, and I'm like, oh, this is a lot.
SPEAKER_00:It's annoying. They're just having fun.
SPEAKER_01:I know, I know.
SPEAKER_00:But I'm just like, it's okay.
SPEAKER_01:I was like, it's just cute, but I'm like, oh, it's a lot. I am not, I think maybe if I have kids, I will really get into it. I'll do the health on the shelf game. Like, I would love all that, but me as an individual, it's like ugh, I don't know. Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Um, your favorite holiday movie or movie or something that you like look forward to watching.
SPEAKER_01:I'm not if I have a favorite holiday movie. Um, I like the elf. The elf is a good one. I like Bestman Holiday. It's a classic. Yeah, I'm not really into like I don't have a like a top Christmas movie since I'm not the most festive person. But yeah, I like the elf because it's as Will Farris. No, is it Will? Who was in it? It had it was one of it was Will Ferris in it, and I think that was one of his like very early movies before it became Will. But and it also has the lady from New Girl in it as well.
SPEAKER_00:So but yeah, I really like that movie. Yeah, do I have a holiday? I think as a kid I used to like watching Home Alone, Home Alone is fun, yes, and then I used to also like watching Friends, just the reruns, just watch it and laugh and all that, but I think before internal Netflix Ninja stopped showing internationally, because I don't like I don't have it on my TV, so I used to look forward to they always have a holiday movie they dropped on Netflix, oh yeah, and I always looked forward to it because it was just so nice inside and just I think they have a feel on the Canadian Netflix, doesn't sound like um yearly though something on Sunday and I've seen that Jameema Jamaima but it's every year, but now we don't get it consistently anymore because if we do I'll check prime if there's something, but yeah, I used to look forward to that. The last question that I have for you what is one word that describes your holiday energy this year?
SPEAKER_01:I don't know. Honestly, I'm pretty relaxed this year. I feel very calm, just in general, like mostly in a given spirit. So yeah, okay, that's good. It's not one word, so maybe two words calm, generous. If you're my friend or like my family member this year, lucky you.
SPEAKER_00:So yeah, that's awesome. What about what is my heart? I think I also have more than one word. I feel like I'm going with a flow this season, but also looking for reasons to be joyful. I feel you there, looking for those reasons and holding on to them. Yeah, that's how I feel about this this time of the year, right now, this year. Every year is different. Yeah, I love that. But this was fun and different. Did you have fun? Yeah, I did. Did you enjoy this? This was a great chat.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, yeah, I had a good time. Always have a good time with you, so oh thank you.
SPEAKER_00:Same, same, and thank you so much for coming. Coming back. Oh, wait, one thing I forgot to ask, what's your favorite holiday meal food? It can be a snack, it can be a drink, whatever.
SPEAKER_01:I've really gotten into apple ciders.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, yeah, yeah, that's a good one.
SPEAKER_01:I'm into it. I think I would like to mix it with some alcohol and make a drink out of it, like a cocktail.
SPEAKER_00:I think there are cocktails made out of apple apple ciders.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I just need to expose my mind or like my palate, I guess. But yeah, I'm into apple ciders.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I think that's my go-to. I don't like gingerbread. I don't like really any ginger-baked pastries. But yeah, apple ciders for sure.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. What about you? Uh so my bigger, my big cousin or my older cousin in Edmonton would order rom cake from a Jamaican, a Jamaican friend. So she orders it like months before because I think she preps the dates or whatever in alcohol, or she does something in alcohol for months. Yeah. In Rom, I think. Yeah, Rom cake. So my cousin knows I love this. So whenever I go home for the holidays, I have a big lover. Because I'm still her little cousin.
SPEAKER_01:Honestly, she's just make it and ship it to you and invite me so we can eat it together.
SPEAKER_00:Yep. So, like, when I like if I was in Edmonton this year, I'm not going home for the holidays. But if I was going home, definitely we'll go to my big cousin's house. Uh, she's like, Abby, uh, we'll need cake here, which was Abby, I have your cake cool. And then she'll just give, she'll have wrapped it. That's so cute. I know, I know, I know, I know. So that's something I always look forward to when I go home for the holidays. This year, I don't have that, but it's okay, it's okay. Can make it happen.
SPEAKER_01:Just one phone call. It's like I need you to ship me that cake.
SPEAKER_00:Ship me my cake, Auntie. Anyways, yeah. So, but thank you so much for coming.
SPEAKER_01:Did you have fun? I did, I had a great time. Okay, always, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Same here, same here. I also say thank you for being the very first guest on going through the madness. Thank you for taking a chance on this podcast. More to come in Jesus' name, amen. So I hope you enjoy the holidays. Me too. I wish you all the blessings of the season. You too. Good merry, amen, joy, me too. Lots of sleep before 2026 and the work starts. Amen. Yeah, and time, a great time with your family and loved ones. Me too. Yay. So cheers to 2025 and even a better 2026. Cheers. Bye guys. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you guys.
