Rich Dunning - Silence Was My First Language

In this profound episode, host Terry Shepherd sits down with author Rich Dunning to discuss his new memoir, Silence Was My First Language. Rich shares his harrowing yet deeply inspiring journey from a childhood marked by severe poverty, domestic violence, and teenage homelessness in the Bronx to becoming a highly successful senior executive in the medical device industry.

For years, Rich's outward professional achievements masked an agonizing inner reality. He reveals how the survival tactics he learned as a five-year-old boy—remaining invisible and silent to avoid physical abuse from his stepfather—followed him deep into adulthood. Driven to disprove those who dismissed him as a "dog," Rich overachieved at work while privately battling an alcoholism that was introduced to him at age seven. With immense candor, Rich details the terrifying vacation wake-up call that saved him from taking his own life, his grueling path to sobriety through rehab and AA, and how he finally replaced silence with accountability.

In This Episode, We Explore:

• The Weight of Childhood Trauma: How growing up in a violent home where he didn't speak English for his first five years forced Rich to adopt silence as his primary survival skill.
• The Facade of Success: The stark contrast between Rich’s demanding, high-pressure professional life and his fractured internal state.
• Rock Bottom and Recovery: The pivotal moment with his youngest son that pulled him back from a hotel balcony ledge and forever changed his trajectory.
• The Reality of Addiction: A brutally honest look at the selfish nature of alcoholism and the immense, unacknowledged toll it takes on spouses and children.
• Giving Back: The launch of The First Language Foundation, a volunteer-driven organization aiding youth facing abuse, food insecurity, and homelessness.

Resources and Links:

• The Book: Silence Was My First Language by Rich Dunning (Launching October 6th).
• Website: Visit richdunningbooks.com
• Philanthropy: Rich personally donates $1 from every book sold in perpetuity to The First Language Foundation, ensuring 100% of those funds directly support children in need.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:35

In conversation with Terry Shepard, award-winning broadcaster, narrator, and author, a deep dive into the writer's craft with the artists and support systems who create the stories we love.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Some children learn the alphabet first. Rich Dunning learned footsteps. He learned how to tell before a key ever touched the door whether danger was coming home. He learned where to hide when the shouting started, how to make himself invisible, and how silence could become a survival skill. He was three years old when his father left. What followed was a childhood in the Bronx, marked by poverty, alcoholism, domestic violence, abuse, and fear. At night, rats bit exposed skin while he slept. By day, he learned the hyper-awareness familiar to children raised in violent homes. Read the room, watch the faces, anticipate what comes next. Don't attract attention. Those instincts helped a little boy survive. But survival skills have a way of following us into adulthood. Rich eventually escaped the Bronx and built what from the outside looked like an extraordinary life. He became a successful senior executive in the medical device industry, spending more than two decades making consequential decisions in high-pressure environments, but achievements couldn't silence the past. Behind the success were wounds that shaped his relationships, contributed to alcoholism and shame, and reinforced an idea he had learned long ago. Whatever happens, don't let anyone know. For more than 15 years, Rich worked on the story he had once been conditioned never to tell. The result was a fascinating book. Silence was my first language, a memoir about abuse and abandonment, addiction and homelessness, and ultimately recovery and forgiveness. But at its heart, this isn't simply a book about what was done to a child. It's a book about what that child carried into adulthood and what happened when the man he became finally turned it around and faced it. Rich Dunning, what an honor to have you in conversation. Welcome aboard.

SPEAKER_02 2:59

What an intro. Thank you, Sherry. I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Your title, Silence was my first language, is incredibly powerful. What does that phrase mean to you?

SPEAKER_02 3:09

Yeah, when I was going through it year after year, the one constant that I noticed in my writing was the word silence. And then really, it was so cathartic as I'm writing and writing it. And that was the kind of the common theme during that time. I did not, I guess I didn't realize what that meant. And you in my home, you feared for your life at any moment. And uh the only way to survive the day was to be invisible, to be silent. You did not want to draw any attention to yourself. So when I think about, yeah, but think about what language I had, it wasn't, it was silent. Unfortunately, it was a sad way to live for a long time.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

When kids often normalize whatever environment they grow up in, when did you first realize that what was happening in your home was not normal?

SPEAKER_02 4:11

I had so my this is where we're addressing my stepfather. He is the man that brought violence and the drama and everything and the pot and the abuse, everything into our home. Up until that point, yeah, we were very poor, but we were happy. My my biological dad exited the home when I was about three, and I have vivid memories of that. So he came into our lives about a year later, and and at five, I never trusted him. I remember that like it was yesterday, but at five was when I first experienced what violence was. And I'll tell you, it was, I was never exposed to the outdoors during my first five years of life. As a matter of fact, I didn't speak English for my first five years of life. Our primary language at home was Spanish. My mom was first generation off the boat, so I was actually born in the United States. So I'm a true first-generation person. So when it came time to go to school, I was so afraid. I was still in my pajamas, I refused to go. And that was the first time that he was physical with me. So physical, in fact, that I peed my pajamas and he took me to school that way. So that was my first encounter with true violence and abuse.

SPEAKER_01 5:33

You eventually became this highly successful executive in a demanding industry. How much of your drive came from ambition, and how much came from trying to outrun where you came from?

SPEAKER_02 5:47

I think it's a little bit of both. My nickname, all my life, the first 17 years of life, was dog. You were a dog. You were never going to be amount to anything. And I always knew, I was always great in school. I always knew that I would get out. We lived in really poor neighborhoods, some very tough towns throughout my childhood. When we had a home, we were evicted many times over. I actually spent almost a year homeless on my own as a teenager, but I knew deep down that this would not be the end game. So while I was able to go on to school on a partial scholarship, got out of that situation. I call it my second life. The problem is that child never leaves you. You start to treat everything else like the way you were raised. You don't trust anyone. You keep everything inside. And from a professional perspective, the other side to that is that word dog would just live in my mind. I was like, and I would just fight it and fight it every day. I'm not a dog. I can do this. I was first one to show up, last one to go home. Just a tremendous overachiever. But the problem was the man that was overachieving was completely broken inside, completely fractured. If you would, if you were to look at my life from the outside, it's like, oh man, that guy's living the best life. You know, he's a beautiful home, beautiful children, the best wife in the world. The problem was I was so detached from everything that, you know, inside I was just broken.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

Just absolutely broken. Rich Dunning is our special guest. We're talking about his book, Silence was my first language. The website is RichDunningBooks.com. When did you feel like you were beginning to heal?

SPEAKER_02 7:41

That's a great question. Rock bottom, some people land at rock bottom pretty quickly. I'm one of those hard learners. So I was I had been drinking since I was seven years old. That was my coping mechanism. It was introduced to me by my family. It was something that we did at parties every weekend where drinks were handed to you and we're supposed to drink it. And we're not talking about little bits of wine, we were talking about hard alcohol. I was probably a full-fledged alcoholic by the age of 13. As an adult, that's how I hid my pain. Gosh, when you can't trust a woman that you that loves you unconditionally, there's a serious problem there. There were a series of things that my drinking just got completely just out of hand. I would black out, wake up in different states, and just, but that wasn't enough for me to stop drinking. I wouldn't get sober for another seven years. And I was on the brink of divorce. Everything was falling apart. I wasn't an angry drunk or a mean drunk. I was actually just obnoxious and scatterbrained and thinking it was great. But it's funny because some of the it's gener it's generational and you don't know how to break it. Even though I wasn't those things, I was able to put food on a table. It's amazing how the demeanor of your children mimic the same demeanor you had growing up. As soon as dad walks in, everyone scatters because odds are dad's drunk and he's just gonna want to talk crap. And a lot of times it was that. After so many chances, I had convinced my wife that to go on vacation one last time that I got this. And this was failed rehab after failed rehab. Went on vacation. Uh by the second day, I ruined it by drinking. I it got so out of hand that they had to lock, security had to lock me in my room. The family goes out to dinner that night. I passed out as usual. The following morning, I was it was early in the morning, and my my head felt like it was just gonna fall out of my body. And I looked around and I was like, I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of breaking my family's heart. And we were on the fifth floor, and I decided that I was gonna take my life and I was gonna go over the ledge on the balcony, and as I'm climbing over, about to make my last move as an adult, frankly, my my youngest woke up and he came out. I was like, Dad, maybe it was an intervention, I don't know. But at that moment, I climbed back over, walked back inside. By that time, my other two kids and my wife were waking up and look just puzzled. And I just fell to my knees and I said, I need help. And that was the last day I had a drink. That was probably the worst day of my life, and yet the best day of my life. I had put them through so much. The only way I knew how to deal with my unresolved pain was to drink because facing it head on just hurt so much. And I won't say that it was easy right afterwards because it wasn't, because once you stop drinking, emotions come back, memories come back stronger than ever. I started writing silence was my first language seven years prior, and I would put it away because I would get angry, and now memories were coming back, and that was even more difficult, more cathartic as I'm putting these words to paper. But ultimately, writing the book, I think writing the book the final rehab and AA saved my life and took me to where I am today, at peace with me. I think that people talk about this book, yeah, it's a memoir, it's about where our lives begin, what happens to us along the way, but it doesn't get to determine where we ultimately wind up. And that there is hope for all of us. If, gosh, if I can do it, and I hope that I'm resilient enough to do it, anyone can do it. Because my life was a hamster wheel. It was like washing clothes, wash, rinse, repeat. I would do that every day. It's I think that this journey now today in marriage and fatherhood and sobriety is ultimately the life I could have never imagined as a little boy.

SPEAKER_01 12:12

For most of your childhood, silence kept you alive. Today you're deliberately breaking that silence. What has using your voice given you that silence never could?

SPEAKER_02 12:23

I think one of the things that I do today, I have a foundation, and it's called the First Language Foundation. And a lot of my energy outside of the book, which is in pre-sale right now, our launch date is October 6th, is devoted to that. And it focuses on everything that I've gone through. It focuses on homelessness, the trauma, food insecurity, and some, unfortunately, there was some abuse sexually. And I had to deal with that on my own, but now I have a platform where I can help others deal with it within a safe space. So for my commitment personally, for every book that I sell in perpetuity, not for just this book, but for all of my books, I will donate one dollar towards that foundation in perpetuity. We have a lean staff where no one's collecting a paycheck. So all of that money is going to help kids 100%. And that's what I love about our mission. And we have a great board of professionals that are dedicated to that same drive and mission that I started.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Silence, what's my first language? Is the name of the book. Rich Duddingbooks.com is his website, and we're talking with the author. You seem like a man who is surrounded now by some sort of magical force field. Is that how you feel today?

SPEAKER_02 13:52

Wow, I haven't been asked that. That's an interesting question because while I feel like I've healed, you always have that. I call it almost imposter syndrome in a sense that this life wasn't supposed to be mine. But then I look at, I had to live that life to be able to live this one and give back. And maybe that was God's calling that way. For someone who didn't have a very good relationship with God, because I would always ask God, where are you? I'm hurting, and he would never show up. But I think he did throughout my entire life, even as a child. And I think this was his end game. So there are still insecurities in me. I've learned to be more vulnerable about it and to talk about it. That's something I didn't do. Sometimes you'll hear that voice that used to torment you. But I know how to put that fire out very quickly, which I'm very proud of. And being now 55 years old, for example, and being able to look at what I've accomplished, whether I was sober or not, I have accomplished a lot. But I feel that in the past where I looked at accomplishments where, oh, I just won this award for work and everything was work. My outlook on things are very different. The end game is how happy is my family? Because I put them through hell. It's the most selfish disease ever, Terry, when you think about it. Because while you're drinking, it's all about me and my drama, and everyone sits on the sidelines and doesn't know what dad's gonna do next, and they're hurting, but they have no outlet. And then, oh Terry, I'm deciding to get sober today. And it becomes about me getting sober, and I have to do me first before I can do you guys. It's a very almost selfish, narcissistic disease in a sense. And I remind my, you know, I celebrate, it's bittersweet because I celebrate this book, I celebrate my sobriety, but at the same time, this book, my sobriety was all built on pain. And I never forget that. I wake up with that thought every morning and remind myself that there are four other individuals that took this journey with me, and they need to be celebrated every day. And that's not even including friends that loved me and tried to get me to a great place. That healing with those guys and my amends are never ending, in other words. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:29

What's your relationship like with your family now?

SPEAKER_02 16:32

I think it's really good. The first couple of years, I had no reason to be trusted because they've been there and done that. But as they saw me taking my sobriety very seriously, my dedication to AA, which my gosh, what a that completely just saved my life. Being involved in that community, what it meant to be sober, the changes that I saw in me, I taking wellness seriously, treating my body, my mind, my soul in a different way like I've never had. I think that slowly the armor started to come off. I feel like my wife and I today, I call it we're dating all over again. I think our relationship is as strong as ever, if not the best, probably in the 34 years that we've been together. And she's never experienced anything like this. She grew up with the most unbelievable family. There was love, there was affection, there was support. Nothing that I cried the first year I witnessed what an actual Christmas looks like. And because I didn't understand it. Everyone, I got a gift. I barely know these people. It's been less than a year. Those kinds of things. That was alien to me, for example. But and then you put her and you pull her out of that life, and now she's dating this guy, which I didn't expose much. It's when the marriage happened that things start to come out, and then she starts constantly trying to fix it and fix me, all the while wearing her armor and playing her role in that quote unquote house of cards. It's difficult. It's not just there's a family behind every drunk or someone who's going through an addiction that people tend to forget about. And my God, I think that this should be awards for those families that are doing it because it's not easy.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

It is said that everyone we meet is carrying a burden that we cannot see. What can we as human beings do to ease suffering for others?

SPEAKER_02 18:38

Sorry, that's a great question. I think communication. So for that's coming from a guy who didn't know how to communicate. I think that my guy, it's true. When I think about again, silence was my first language. I am anything but silent this today. The fact that domestic violence is so prevalent as it was back in the late 70s and 80s and 90s is shocking. And domestic and violence and addiction and all of that knows no demographic, no, we don't care how much you make, we don't care what color you are, it eats at us at the same way. The fact that we still have to announce to men specifically, and I'm talking to you men, that it is not okay to put your hand on someone else, on someone that you supposedly love because of your insecurities. It's not okay. And yet, the prevalence and no one talks about it, as you said. We need to discuss that. It's a taboo kind of thing. The elephants in the room, but no one wants to talk about it. Even today, with my book, Silence Was My First Language, I don't have a relationship with anyone in my family. I started to have a relationship with my youngest sister. So for about eight months, my sister and I were having a cordial relationship. And as soon as she started to see the publicity behind the book, the first thing she did was protect the family and communication stopped. But that's how it is, because we refuse to face what really happened and face that elephant in the room, frankly.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

What do you hope people will take away from their encounter with silence was my first language?

SPEAKER_02 20:22

Your past doesn't have to define who you are today. I talk about this book. The book reads, yeah, there's trauma, but it's not just about trauma, it's about what we do with what happened to us. It's about the resilience, it's about forgiveness, accountability. Oh my gosh, the most important word I can say today. It's a being accountable. And then the possibility of changing the trajectory of your life ultimately will happen. I think that's for me, that's what I hope someone would get out of this book. That you're not alone. I've been there, I've done that, and it doesn't have to define you. You can be resilient, you can get out of the situation that you're in. And most people don't feel that way. And as a result, there are a lot of things that happen to folks like that.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

Silence was my first language, is the name of the book. The website, Rich Dunningbooks.com, and our special guest who has proven that it is possible to overcome the worst if you never give up. Rich Dunning, thanks for the conversation.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

Terry, thank you so much. That was awesome. I really appreciate you.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

In Conversation with Terry Shepherd is a copyrighted presentation. All rights reserved. I'm Lisa Davis. Join Terry Shepherd next time in conversation.