Episode 51 Choosing Joy without Feeling Guilty

Today we are talking about something that sounds simple, but for many of us, it can actually feel complicated.

Song writer is Samuel Woods.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0xX5HgkUmFUTh0gCQKex2E?si=273d9c1d84624c00

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:10

Hello everyone.

SPEAKER_03 1:11

Welcome back to another episode of Healing Connection. Today, we are going to talk about joy, choosing joy without feeling guilty. I'm your host, Joey McBride, and we're gonna sound talk about something that sounds simple, but for many of us, it can actually feel complicated. Like I said, today's topic is choosing joy without feeling guilty. Now I know some of you are out there saying, Joey, joy does sound good, but you don't know what I'm carrying. You know what? You're absolutely right. Some of us carrying PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, carrying memories we wish we could forget. Caregivers and spouse carry the weight of watching someone they love struggle. Some young adults trying to figure out what life is when they're dealing with their own pressures, stress, and uncertainties of home. So when I say choose joy, I do not mean pretend that everything is fine. I do not mean ignore the pain. I do not mean slap a smile on your face and act and pretend that you're okay when you're really not. This is what I mean. Joy can still exist even when life is hard. You can laugh and still be healing. You can have fun and still be working through trauma. You can enjoy a good moment and still miss someone. You can smile and still have PTSD. You can find peace and still have hard days. Joy is not betrayal, it's not denial, it is not weakness. Joy is a reminder that there is life still inside of us. And that is very true. Remember that. Joy is something that is inside of you. But before I we get started, as I say this in many and if not all my podcasts, if you're listening to this and you made it to this point, but you're still feeling overwhelmed or anxiety, you're you can talk or text someone at 988. It's free, it's confidential, and it's available 24-7. I will also bring this up again towards the end in case you make it through the end of this and are still having a hard time. Now, if you don't want to talk to somebody that you don't know, but you feel like you have a relationship with me, you can email me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.org. Now, take a minute, take a breath slowly with me, inhale, hold it for a moment, exhale. So today we're going to talk about how to let joy back in without shame, without guilt, and without feeling like you have to earn it. Joy, why can joy feel hard? For some people, joy comes naturally. For others, especially people who have been through trauma, joy can feel uncertainable and very uncomfortable. Maybe you f finally laughed, and that voice inside you says, How can you laugh after everything that you have been through? Maybe enjoy a good day, but but guilt creeps and something inside you is struggling. Maybe you feel calm for a moment, but your mind says, Don't get too comfortable, because something bad could happen. That is real. Trauma can train the body and brain to stay alert. It can also make peace feel suspicious. It can make joy feel unsafe. Now, for veterans and first responders, your mind may have to, may be trained to scan for danger all the time. You've learned how to survive. You've learned how to stay ready, and when you live in that state too long, it can be hard to relax into a moment of happiness. For caregivers and spouses, joy can feel selfish. You may think, how can I enjoy myself when I when my loved one is struggling? Or how can I take a break when there's still so much to do? For young adults, joy can feel pressured, like you're supposed to be happy, successful, social, motivated, and have everything figured out. You don't have to. And when you do not, you may feel like something is wrong with you, but it is not. Part of it is growing up, and you need to find who you are. You need to find out what makes you happy, what motivates you, even when there's stress and uncertainty at home. You have control of that. But here's something that I want to say clearly. Joy is not something you have to earn after you're fully healed. That is very true. And I'll say that again. Joy is something that you have have to earn. Joy is something not that you have to earn after you're fully healed. Joy is a part of the healing. You do not need to wait until everything is fine to fix yourself or let yourself experience something good. Sometimes joy is what gives us enough strength to keep us going. The difference between joy and pretending. Now, I want to make a very clear distinction here. Choosing joy is not the same as pretending. Pretending says I am fine when you are not. Nothing bothers me when it does. I do not need help when you do. That is not joy. That is hiding. Real joy is different. Real joy says, I am hurting, but I can still notice beauty. I am grieving, but I can still laugh. I am anxious, but I can still enjoy this cup of coffee. I am tired, but I can still be grateful for this one useful. Joy does not cancel pain. Joy sits beside it. It gives your heart a place to rest. One thing I have learned is that healing is not always about removing the hard stuff. Sometimes healing is making room for the good stuff too. Because when we see pain, our world gets smaller. Joy helps the window open and lets a little air in. It reminds us that we are more than what happened to us. Joy can be something that is very hard to deal with. I personally understand that because, like I told you in the last episode, I had my joy robbed for me. I had I had a rough moment. I broke down. I let joy slip away when I was on vacation at the very end. When it was supposed to be a final we are home, we can relax and talk about the fun that we had. But no, it screwed up. My PTSD took over and I was an angry, unlikable, unforgiving person. I let joy disappear from me. I did not let it remind us that we can actually be happy. So just because I talk about this stuff on my podcasts as these positive things that can help, it does not mean that I didn't make it. I have not gone through it myself. And I need to know what joy feels like again. Even if it's once a day, even if it's throughout the day, even when we are having a hard time. I have to learn just as much as you. The joy permission statement. The first tool I want to give you today is called the joy permission statement. This is something you can say to yourself when guilt shows up. Here are a few examples. I am allowed to enjoy this moment. Joy does not mean I forget all my pain. I can laugh and still honor what I have been through. I do not have to feel guilty for feeling okay. This good moment belongs to me. You can write one of these down, put it on your mirror, put it in your wallet, put it in your phone, say it before you go out with friends, say it before a family event, say it when you catch yourself laughing and guilt tries to steal it. For caregivers and spouses, your permission statement might be taking time for joy helps keep me loving. I am allowed to have life outside of caregiving. That one may hit hard for some people because caregiving often feels like they are supposed to be available all the time. But let me remind you, you are a person too. Your laughter does matter, your rest does matter, your friendship matters, your joy matters. Take some time at least once a week. Do something for yourself. Rest, listen to music, whatever it may be. Do something for yourself so you can reset. Take something once a month that you really enjoy and go do it and not feel guilty. You need to learn to do these things for yourself. For young adults, your statement might be, I do not have time to figure out what joy is today. That is powerful because sometimes young adults feel guilty for relaxing when they are under pressure to build a future. But that joy helps build that future with a healthier heart. Tool number two. The second tool is simple. It is called the joy list. I want you to make a list of things that bring you joy. Not things that impress others, not things that you should bring joy, things that actually make your heart feel a little lighter. Here are some examples. Sitting outside with a cup of coffee or a hot tea, listening to music, not real loud, just to yourself, watching a funny movie, fishing or hunting, cooking, playing with your dog, driving with the windows down, walking at sunset when it feels nice and cool out. A phone call with someone who makes you laugh. A good meal. A clean room. A favorite hoodie. A starlight projector shining on the ceiling at night. Nature sounds. A fire pit. A game night. A quiet morning. You see, joy does not have to be expensive. It does not have to be loud. Joy does not have to be impressed. Sometimes joy is eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich and listening silent. Sometimes joy is finding your favorite sock. Joy is getting through Walmart without losing your mind. And if you did that this week, I salute you. Because now summer is here, stores are a little bit more crazier, like Walmart. There are kids now, there are people that are on vacation. So take your time. You may have to adjust your time when you walk through Walmart. Because there's there's nothing wrong with walking through Walmart and testing out the things that you have learned. Take time for yourself. Make sure you take your service off. Make sure you take your spouse. Make sure you take somebody with you that understands just in case. The point of joy, this joy list, is to remind you that your brain is good, has good moments all the time. When you are depressed or overwhelmed, it can be hard to remember what helps. So do not wait until you're struggling to make the list. Make it when you're calm. When life gets heavy, pull it out and choose one thing, just one. Tool number three is called the five-minute joy reset. This is for people who feel like they don't have time for joy. And I get it. People are busy, caregivers are tired, first responders are stretched thin. Veterans may be dealing with appointments, pain, paperwork, stress, triggers, you name it, the list can go on. Same thing for first responders. Stressors and triggers. So we need to keep it simple. Five minutes. If you can't do five minutes, do a minute. If you can do a minute after that, push it up to a minute and a half. If you can do it to a minute and a half, push it to three. Three and a half minutes. Then finally, push it to five all the time and continue to do this. But that's all. Ask yourself, what can what brings me a little peace or joy in the next five minutes? Maybe you step outside. Maybe you sit on the porch, stand on the porch, maybe you play set one song. Maybe you send a funny meme to a friend. Maybe watch your dog be ridiculous around the yard. Maybe you do some stretches. Or you sit quietly and just breathe. Look at a picture that makes you smile. Turn on comedy lights in your room and listen to nature sound. Five minutes may not solve your whole life, but it can interrupt the heaviness. It can remind you that not every moment has to be about surviving. Some moments can simply be about being alive. And sometimes that is just enough. Sometimes that's what you need to look at if you may or are thinking about the alternative. Just because you don't have joy right at that moment doesn't mean you got to do what you need to do. Does not mean you need to take your own life. Because there is joy. And like I said, if you can't do five minutes, do one minute, do a minute and a half. Something that small can change your whole world. And sometimes that is just enough. Now let's talk about the guilt. Because for many people, the moment joy shows up, guilt follows right behind it. You may think other people have it worse. I should do something productive. I do not deserve to feel good. If I relax, something bad will happen. If I laugh, people may think that I'm fine. If I enjoy myself, maybe I'm not talking about my taking my pain very seriously. Let me speak into that. Your pain does not need to be miserable every minute in order to be valid. Your trauma is still real, even if you laugh. Your grief is real, even if you enjoy a small home cooked meal. Depression is real, even if you're having a good day. PTSD is real, even if you smile. Again, you do not have to prove to yourself by struggling and refusing joy. Sometimes we hold on to pain because we think letting joy in means we're dismissing what has happened. But joy is not disrespectful. Joy is resistant. Joy says what happened to me hurts, but it does not need to take everything from me. Joy says, I am still here. It says there's more story to my life. For caregivers and spouses, I want to take a few minutes to speak to you directly. You may be listening to this and thinking, Joy sounds nice, but I'm really exhausted. I hear you. It can be overwhelming, it can be a lot, but take the time. Caregiving can be beautiful, but it can also be very heavy. It can be lonely, it can be frustrating, it can make you feel like your needs are always second. You may feel guilty for wanting time alone. You may feel guilty for laughing when your loved one is having a hard day. You may feel guilty just for taking a break. But here's the truth. Your joy helps keep you whole. And your loved one needs you whole, not empty. Here are a few caregiver tools just for you. A 10-minute break. Ten minutes where you are not solving, fixing, cleaning, managing, or monitoring anything. Ten minutes to have a cup of coffee or drink some hot tea. Sit outside. You can listen to some of your music. Say a prayer, journal, or just breathe. The I am still me list. Write down things that remind you of who you are on the outside of caregiving. Maybe you're funny. Maybe you love music. Maybe you love gardening. Maybe you are a friend. Maybe you can be creative. Maybe you're a person who needs rest. Caregiving is something that you guys do out of love. But it's not all of who you are. A joy and point appointment. Schedule something joyful. A walk, coffee with a friend, a movie, a phone call, lunch, craft, a church event, or even a support group. Put it on the calendar like it matters. Because it really does. Like I said earlier in this, you need to make sure that you take time for yourself. I understand in the beginning you're probably going to feel guilty about it, but it's okay. It's part of joy, it's part of refreshing yourself. It's part of making yourself whole. So this way you can take time for your loved one. Joy for families and young adults. Joy can also fit help families heal. Sometimes families dealing with PTSD, EBI, stress, depression, or caregiving get stuck in survival mode. Everything becomes serious, becomes tense. Everyone walks on eggshells. And sometimes the whole family needs what the name what they need is not another lecture. Sometimes the family needs a safe laugh, a game night, a silly dinner. A walk, music in the kitchen, a movie night with popcorn. Have a no heavy conversation rule tonight. It does not mean that the problems disappear. It means that the family gets to remain, be reminded that there are no more than problems. For young adults, joy can be grounding too. If you are a young adult listening to this and life feels confusing, I want you to know this. You do not have to wait until your future is figured out to enjoy your presence. You can be uncertain and still laugh. You can be anxious and still have fun. You can grow and still rest. But I want you to try asking yourself, what made me happy when I was younger? What do I miss doing? Who do I feel lighter around? What helps me feel like myself? What is one thing funny that I can do this week that does not hurt me or anyone? Healthy joy can help you discover who you are. Not the world that pressures you into being you. You need to be who you really are. And you have enough going on in life trying to deal with yourself, trying to figure out life, trying to see what is going on around you. And if it's an issue, how can you fix it? But it's hard to deal with all these things when you yourself are going through your own joy and stressors. Tool number four, I want to give you one more practice that combines joy and grounding. I call it the joy and grounding practice. Pick something joyful. Use your sense to fully experience it. For your for example, if you are drinking coffee, notice the warmth of the cup. Notice the smell, notice the taste, notice the quiet around you, notice your breath. If you're listening to music, notice the beat, notice the words. Notice what your body wants to do. Tap your foot, hum along, let yourself feel it, sing it out loud. If you are outside, notice the air, notice the light, notice the sound, notice the ground underneath your feet, whether it's wood or grass. This practice teaches the body that joy can be safe. It says, I can be present in something good. That may take a minute, especially if your nervous system is used to being on in danger mode. But little by little you can teach your body that peace is allowed. Joy is allowed. Calm is allowed. As we get ready to close today, I want you to remember this. You are not wrong for wanting joy. You are not selfish for needing laughter. You are not just being disrespectful to your pain by enjoying a good moment. You are human, and human beings need more than just survival. We need connection, laughter, rest, meaning we need a moment that reminds us we're still alive. So this week I want to challenge you with something. I want you to challenge, pick one small joy. Put it on your calendar, put it in your phone, put it in as a reminder, write it down, put it next to your computer. Let yourself experience it without apologizing. And when guilt shows up, say, I am allowed to enjoy this moment. If you're again, if you are overwhelmed and you made it this far, but you're still struggling, I want you to call or text 988. There is someone there to listen to you. There is someone there to possibly give you different ideas. It is someone there that can help you with your guilt and joy. It is confidential and it is available 24-7. If you don't feel like talking to them and you want to talk to somebody that you know, and I feel like we know each other because we've been through this through 51 episodes. So if you've been with me this far, you know who I am. If this is your first or second time, great. Thank you for being here. But I also want you to know you can reach out to me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.org. But I do want to leave you with this. You're allowed to struggle, you and you are still allowed to have hope. You're allowed to have hard days, and you are still allowed to laugh. Healing is not about becoming someone new. Sometimes healing is remembering that there is still love, life, and a light inside of you. Joy does not erase your story. Joy reminds you that your story is still being written. I'm your I am Joey, and I will always have your six. This is Healing Connection. Until next time, take care of yourself. Choose one small joy, and remember, you do not have to feel guilty for finding a light. You are a good person. You are an honest person. And hopefully these episodes help each and every one of you, no matter where you are. But I am. I am here for you. And until next time, be safe, be strong, and be yourself. Enjoy life. Goodbye.