Episode 54 No Shame in Starting Over

This one is for the people who feel like they are messed up. The people who had a bad day, a bad week, a setback, a relapse, a blow-up, a shutdown, or a moment they are not proud of.

Artist is Samuel Woods.

https://open.spotify.com/track/01cVOwJ8LejG7SDFZeeNzK?si=30b0d9aa87ea489f

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Hello everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Healing Connection. I am your host, Joy McBride, and today we're gonna talk about on this episode No Shame in Starting Over. This one is for people who feel like they are messed up, people who had a bad day, a bad week, a setback, a relapse, a blow-up, a shutdown, or a moment that they are not proud of. But what I would like for you to do is let you know that is perfectly fine. You're in the right spot, you're in the right one, and just stick with me and hear me out. First, I would like you to take in one slow breath with me. In and out. We will have a shorter podcast today because I feel we just need to slow down and to listen to what is being said and take a breath. Because I know my last few episodes have been pretty heavy. Life has been pretty heavy since the 4th of July, and I just want people to slow down and just listen to this one. So let's dive into it. One of the cruelest things people do to themselves is this they turn a setback into identity. I messed up and I became a mess. I had a bad reaction that I could never change. I'm struggling again because I'll never get better. How many times we said that in our head over and over? That kind of thinking actually does a lot of damage. Because healing is never a straight line. Growth is not a straight line. Trust is not a straight line. Marriage is not a straight line. Parenting is definitely not a straight line. Recovery is not a straight line. Resilience is not a straight line. Sometimes progress looks like two steps forward and one step back. We've all heard that song over and over. Maybe we could put it into something like this. Sometimes it looks like holding steady. Sometimes it looks like catching yourself sooner. Sometimes it looks like repairing faster. Sometimes it looks like telling in the truth instead of hiding. That is still progress. Starting over is not proof that you fail. Sometimes it's a proof that you're willing to still fight forward for your life. Still fighting for your marriage. Still fighting for your peace. Still fighting for your healing. Still fighting for your future. That really matters. Let that sit in for a minute. You really matter. Your future really matters. Why? Because you whether or not you think it, there's many people that count on you. You may not see it at times, you may not understand it at times. But if you stop and take a moment, smell the flowers as the touche goes, you will see the people who you touch. Your spouse, your children, your co-workers, family, friends, maybe even a best friend, maybe even somebody that you trust. You matter to each and every one of those people. So let's talk about what healthy starting over looks like. First, own it. Do not excuse it. Do not hide it. Do not pretend that it did not happen. Say it plainly. I was wrong. I shut down. I snapped. I went back to an old pattern. I need to deal with this honestly. Second, learn from it. What happened? What was I feeling? What triggered this? What was building inside of me before this happened? What do I need to change to move forward? Because, see, a lot of times we hold on to things that we don't remember that we do until it's too late and it builds up and it builds up and it builds up inside of us. And then wham, it all comes out in one shot. And it's catching everybody off guard. Yes, it may have been from left field, but it's because we didn't know what to do when those little things happened. Take the little things, deal with them if you can. If not, don't let them sit too long, but find answers for them. Okay? A setback can teach you something if you honestly let it. Third, repair what you can. Apologize, reconnect, own your impact, make a call, have a conversation, do not let pride keep damage sitting in the room. We all have carried that for many years. Some maybe just for a few weeks, few days, few months, or a few years. Pride is in all of us. Because of who we are, because of our background, because of what we've been taught and what we understand. It doesn't matter what field you are in. It doesn't matter what branch you are in. It doesn't matter if you're a veteran or a first responder, EMT. You know what? Even spouses and caregivers. They don't understand. They have their pride too. We all do. But we have to learn at times to take that pride and set it aside. After we've calmed down, after we have have apologized, after we have spoken our peace, we need to sit down ourselves quietly. Go for a walk, sit in your office, sit in your vehicle, sit at a park, sit outside at a park, somewhere where you can be kind of by yourself and think what happened? What can I do to make this not happen again? Or what can I do if this does happen? How can I come about it? How can I control what I can? Yes, trust me, I understand. There are so many things that are out of our control when we are lost, when we are frustrated, when we are pissed off, everything. I understand. We don't have full control, but we can learn. And the more that we can learn, occasionally and hopefully, it gets better each and every time. Yes, with me, I'll be honest, I go through great periods where I have learned things, and I go back and I listen and I think to myself, what could I have done better? What can I change to make this outcome not as nasty, hateful, degrading, whatever? What can I do to make this better? I think about it. I don't purposely go out and set myself up for another explosion, but when it does happen, I try to make it and have those things in my head. When I'm slowing down or when I am not spun up, practice those things. So this way, when we do get spun up, whenever we do get triggered, hopefully some of that will kick in. And it may, and we may not even know it. But because we've practiced it, and the more that we practice what to do in a meltdown, breakdown, spinal, out-of-control rage, there are things that we can try to do to make things better. And it may take five or six, seven, a hundred different tries, but we're not giving up. Why? Because we love somebody, we care about that person, we want help ourselves, we don't like the way it feels. There's a hundred and one different reasons why we don't want to be that waiting. And that with practice does work. Has it worked for me? Sometimes. Do I have still have major blowups? Hell yes. Do I have major meltdowns? Hell yes. Am I ugly? Extremely. Do I mean to be? No. It's just that my mind is racing so fast, I don't have a chance to stop and think. And I know that probably happens with a lot of you, male and females out there. It does. But the more that we try to practice, I know it's hard to practice something when we're not spun up. But if we can play a movie in our head, not a deep one, but just maybe a memory, and play that back a little bit. Because this time it doesn't have as much impact, but we can control that movie. Remember, I've talked about that many different times. The movies that go in our head to change the scenario, pick a spot, change it. Same thing if you're having a meltdown or out of control or rage. Play it when you're calm. Go back and look at it, analyze it. And then try to change what is in that moment that's in your head. Hopefully, that little bit will help. Hopefully, that little bit will make it a little bit easier. I'm not going to say it's good it's a one-night one done. It's not that way. It takes time, it takes practice. I still have to practice. I know I may not do it as much, and I I will admit, I'm not that good at it. But I try. I try to sit back and think, what could I have done different? I know afterwards, sometimes when things have calmed down after a huge, huge blow-up. And I mean, there's probably pots and pans flying, fists were flying, words were flying, and everything got out of control. And then in 20 minutes, it's over with. And you are left with a mess in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the living room. You have a mess on your hand. And what's the first thing you try to do? Clean it up. Why this doesn't belong? This is not right. This is not normal. We need to clean things up. We need to, we need things spotless. Same thing in our brain. Try as hard as you can. I know it's not easy. I do speak from experience, my own personal experience, but I want to encourage each and every one of you to try it. Give something different that you've never given before. I'm telling you, it may work. I hope it does work. I want it to work for you. If you have ideas or you have more questions about what I'm talking about, and maybe you've tried things, but they've got it, they haven't worked right. And you need to bounce an idea or a thought off somebody, you know what? Bounce it off me. You can email me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.org, and I will try my best to answer you the most honest and upfront way. And you know what? If you give me something and I don't know, I will let you know, but I will come back with, I will research an answer for you, and I will get one for you. So the next time you get an email from me, you'll get one with an answer. I promise you. I'm not a I'm not somebody just sitting here blowing smoke up your ass. I am an honest, true person. I will do whatever I can to help you. Why? Because after number 54 episodes, I really feel like we have a connection. We are a family now. Each and every one of you tune in each and every week to hear that what I have to say on this podcast. That means a lot to me. That means whatever I'm saying might resonate with you, it might sit with you, and it might be something that you can use. So keep tuning in. Do not tune out. By all means, I am always here, I will always be here. So step number four, restart with humility humility. You do not need to restart with shame. You need to reset with honesty. Take the next right step. Just what I got done talking about. Make the next healthy choice. Healthy, not in food-wise, but in health-wise, in brain-wise. Do not waste all your energy hating yourself for what you could be rebuilding in yourself. Yes, that is the first thing that we do. We degrade ourselves. Oh my god, I'm such an ass. I am so ugly. I'm such a hateful person. I do not love this person. They must think that I don't love them. A hundred and one reasons. Go stop. Think before you speak to yourself. If that's the first thing that you think, then you need to stop and rethink again. Reset your brain. Reset who you really are. And I want to say something to the spouses, caregivers, and guess what? The children too. A healthy home is not one where no one ever messes up. A healthy home is one where people know how to repair. That is how trust is rebuilt. That is how healing grows. Children especially need to know this. They need to see adults apologizing. They need to hear I was wrong. They need to hear I am working on it. They need to know that mistakes does not mean that love disappears. That is very powerful. I'm telling you, you know, I I'm even going to say that again. They do not need to know that mistakes does not mean that love disappears. Even if you don't have children, but you have a spouse, or you have a significant other, that can go right in line with that as well. Why? Because they all are here for us, just like we are there for them. If you are listening to me right now with shame on your back, hear me clearly. You are not disqualified because you had a hard moment. You are not done because you slipped. You're not hopeless because the old pattern showed up again. There is no shame in starting over. So if you need a fresh start, take one. Today, not after you've punished yourself enough, not after you have sat in shame for another week, not after you have had convinced yourself that you are beyond help. How about right now? Right now, while you're listening to this podcast, would be a good time to do that. If not, when you turn this podcast off after it is over, why don't you sit and think for a minute? Sit and resonate in what was being said. Sit and resonate what has happened over the last couple days, over the last couple weeks, over the last couple months. How can I fix this to make it better? How can I grow as an individual? How can I grow as a member of my family to make things not as bad? It all takes growth, it all takes time. There is no overnight cure. And again, if you do need support in any given way, please reach out to me, email me at cooljoe77 at heroobjective.org. Now, if you or someone you know you love is in crisis, I do not want you to hesitate. I want you to call or text 988. Actually, I'd prefer if you called 988. Don't text, call. Veterans, if you are calling press one, veterans stay on the line. Everybody else stay on the line because somebody will be right with you. Everybody, children, veterans, first responders, spouses, caregivers, they all can call this number. They all can text this number, and somebody will be right there. They are there 24 hours, seven days a week. There is a live person, somebody real will answer you. You're not going to get a machine, you're not going to get cops showing up. This is honesty. This is confidential. And this is another resource to help if you can't wait another day or another hour. Gosh, if you cannot wait another hour, please. Please text. I'm sorry, please call. If you don't feel comfortable, get a hold of me. I check my emails very periodically, and I promise you, I will be right back with you. I will not let you hang. I will be right there for you. So, as we wrap this up, I want you to keep going, keep rebuilding, keep taking that next step. And I honestly want to say from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being here with me today. If this episode met you in a place where you need a fresh start or help, you breathe a little easier about beginning again, I'd love to hear from you. I would. I want to hear positive, I want to hear negative, I want to hear answers, questions for answers. I am here. I will always be here. In case you didn't catch it, it is cooljoe77 at heroobjective.org. Now, something that I do want to tell you, as you can probably tell, I have getting ready to start to put new buffer music into this podcast. The artist Sam Samuel Woods allowed me to have some more of his music, and I really hope that you take the time to listen to either all his music on his album or just to listen to the song hyperlink that I put into it. Every music is being combed over, is made sure that this is the right music, the right stuff, the right touch. I I do. I want to make sure that you guys get a confidence and a feeling of better by listening to music because music has a power, has a huge power, and I want you to know that. So please, if you even if you have questions on where to find more of his music, you can email me, and I'd be happy to set that up with you. Start again, take the next right step, and remember, I will always have your six, and until next time, please burn rubber, not your soul, and I will see you on the flip side.