Online dating and many other ramblings

This episode further explores love-bombing and an online dating 'how-to' list. Ang & Mag get down to it as Ang gets CLOSER to going online herself. We ask our listeners to comment on what THEY think works - either what worked for them that made their relationship 'stick' OR what 'mistakes' do they see others continue to make? Please comment via this podcast OR DM us directly via my website: margaretdahlberg.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

I'm just so fucking loud. I think I might speak lower on purpose just because you do hate loudspeakers so much. I hate loudspeakers.

SPEAKER_04 0:11

Well, you have like a serious voice, I've noticed. Like sometimes when you and I are on the phone, you're more animated and there's a brightness to your voice, and we're like, we're like, we're more um energized.

SPEAKER_02 0:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 0:23

But when we're recording, or I notice when we're out with the the G H G G. Yes. You are you have a little more. It's almost like you're maybe I should tie talking like that.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

I'm singing. I'm singing.

SPEAKER_04 0:37

I feel like I can't be as quick with my humor when I'm talking like this. See, I had that joke, it feels like five minutes ago. And it took five minutes to say it.

SPEAKER_02 0:48

Okay, I'll try to be normal. No, no. It's probably some weird anxiety.

SPEAKER_04 0:52

No, don't do anything. No, I love your voice. I don't, it's the I I just want the microphone to be closer to you. Uh the book I was telling you about. Such raw wanting, like so coarse. Like she's like thinking all these really rough things that make me actually feel more normal about like my where my brain will go with certain things. I I like that about the book. All fours. I highly recommend.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Yeah. Well, there's two movies that I watch over and over again. One is Baby Girl. And the other one is um the one I'm oh, I know which one.

SPEAKER_04 1:29

Stip, stop banging on the table. The other one is about Thompson one, isn't it? Yeah. She hires the sex worker.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

Ah, that guy. But I you haven't watched it. I've just told you about it.

SPEAKER_04 1:41

I started watching it and I didn't keep watching it. I just didn't do it for me. Okay, we have maybe it will know.

SPEAKER_02 1:47

We have a different music uh movie taste, though definitely.

SPEAKER_04 1:50

Well, we have a different movie taste, but I also think that I am um I'm just sexually numb. You need more estrogen. This is not going to be. Yeah, I'm sure I do. Or some estrogen. Maybe you have none estrogen. None estrogen. I have none. I'm none. How much estrogen does what was that one have? And the answer is none. None more estrogen. Okay. Um hi Ange. Hi, Margaret.

SPEAKER_03 2:17

How's it going? That's going well. Uh, you guys are here. Uh well, I don't know who's here. Hey, you guys out there who are here listening to the podcast.

SPEAKER_04 2:28

Welcome to the podcast. So this is love. It used to be the name. Now it's how do you do love with Meg and Ange, and I am Mag and I and Ange.

SPEAKER_03 2:41

I don't know what I was doing. That was good. And you are Ange. Right. You're Ange.

SPEAKER_04 2:49

Uh I'm also known as Margaret Dahlberg, and I wrote that show, so this is love, and then invited my friend Ange to start to join me on the podcast to talk about the themes in the show. And then we were having so much fun, we decided to keep going. And Ange, what are you also known as? I'm also known.

SPEAKER_02 3:11

Well, okay, we'll just true to you know clarify some things if people haven't heard the podcast in a while. As a child, Angular, you know, Angular cadaver, that's horrible. Teenager, I'd say.

SPEAKER_03 3:24

Teenager, and then cadaver. As a child.

SPEAKER_04 3:27

When I was three, my parents nicknamed Angular.

SPEAKER_02 3:31

And then two weeks ago, I named myself Mangles because of my typos in my phone. I think you should ask Chat GBT why or angels. Sometimes I'll I'll send a serious amen email and then I'll be and then it'll sign angels and I'll laugh so hard. I just love typos. Yeah. The angels is I'm really pissed off that you didn't blah blah blah. Sincerely, angels.

SPEAKER_04 3:58

Just from the heavens. My porn star name. Um, but I like I just want to know why. I want Chat GBD to tell you why Autocorrect thinks Angela should be mangles. Like, what have you been typing? Like she really mangled that piece for the student. That that we I want to see this performance, but they really mangled it.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

I say to my students all the time, great. Now, next time, less mangling of it. Less mangled. Um, I really liked that.

SPEAKER_03 4:33

You know, we gotta use mangles in a sentence.

SPEAKER_02 4:35

Like we're not speaking in the past. Why are you fucking mangled those scales?

SPEAKER_03 4:40

No, that's trying to play those scales without so many mangles. You just can't get away from the past tense. Oh my god. Oh, that's to you. Now auto. Now autocorrect is gonna rename you Mangled instead of Mangles because we keep it. Oh, that was so fun.

SPEAKER_02 5:03

Wait, I gotta try to get Mangles. Um that piece had so many mangles. I just you have to stop playing it.

SPEAKER_03 5:14

Oh, too many mangles. It that almost sounds like it's not even a real word. It's like that that parallelogram sure had a lot of mangles. Oh, that was my next question. Uh do they spell it angels or angles is my question. Okay, good. All right, you have your credibility has returned. Okay, who I'm also known.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

No, that's all I got.

SPEAKER_04 5:48

Uh, but what is your actual name? Have we spoken that yet?

SPEAKER_01 5:52

Did you say Angela Jean Kavar?

SPEAKER_04 5:54

I like that. Angela Jean Kavar. Savar.

SPEAKER_01 5:58

Savarova.

SPEAKER_04 5:59

Savarova. I like it. It's a French accent, but the Eastern Czech was a Slovakian.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

Slovakian.

SPEAKER_04 6:06

But at a time it was Czechoslovakian, but now it's Slovakian.

SPEAKER_02 6:09

But we were always on the Slovak side.

SPEAKER_04 6:13

Yeah, so you're clearly Slovakian.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Yes. Although having not done my um ancestry DNA, but my dad did. My dad did. I want to do it because, of course, my mom was Polish, but Poland had all these different people take them over, like Swedish kings and stuff. So I want to see what the ancestry DNA says. But my ancestry. You should. I should do it.

SPEAKER_04 6:34

That would be a fun present for yourself from people. Let's do a GoFundMe. Yeah. Fundraiser. You could be like, dear families, in lieu of a present this year, I would like a group gift. Please consider. Yeah, Dalberg means Dahl is a dale, as in the valley, and Berg is mountain. So it's is just a locational name. It means that the family. I know it's isn't it funny? Like I grew in, I feel like I grew into the name. Oh, I think Margaret means flower or pearl. I always forget.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

A neighbor was looking up my last name. And so what he found was that, you know, and I knew this in Spanish, it means to dig. Then in the town. So you were minors. Or I was thinking a gravedigger.

SPEAKER_04 7:26

Oh that's so funny. We went to very different places. I was like, oh, so you guys must have been a gravedigger.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

But you know, names get changed, borders get changed, people are, you know, not not necessarily educated at one point, so they change something.

SPEAKER_04 7:44

I'd love to know more about that. Like, did everybody, you know, in ancient times, did everyone who lived in that dale between the mountains, were they all Dahlbergs? Like, so the whole town was Dahlberg's. Yeah. Um, anyway, so uh I don't know. Yeah, let's let's get back on track. So hi Ange. How how do you do love?

SPEAKER_02 8:06

Okay, well, I think I'm going to, I think I'm ready to start doing it again. Love, I mean. I mean looking for it.

SPEAKER_03 8:15

Or just I feel like you rehearsed this joke.

SPEAKER_02 8:18

Like I didn't I didn't This may surprise listeners to hear that this is all completely improvised. Um, no, I think that after this podcast and after some dinner and maybe a walk, seven or twelve eight drinks, maybe I might actually We actually neither of us really drink. No, so but that would be useful. Might open open, what do we call it? I might open some kind of online profile.

SPEAKER_04 8:45

Yeah, I think that's a great idea. It's kind of a ride in this, like a, you know, there are thrills and chills to for me to to to online dating. So that'll be neat. So you'll you'll be able to, you know, in a respectful way, talk a bit about your experiences uh in that world because you'll you'll be jumping on that bandwagon.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

55, because I think that's gonna be weird because I think people are going to I can't imagine men chomping in the bit to find 55-year-old women unless they're 65 and above. But we'll find out, won't we?

SPEAKER_04 9:18

Speaking of being 55, I've been um, you know, I I just started taking tennis lessons and I was feeling kind of old afterwards and feeling like I was not treated as equally by people because I'm older, even though I think my fitness level was totally compatible and my ability to play felt equal with other people. I thought, well, maybe there's like seniors hiking or seniors tennis, and I found a bunch of places, but they're all 60 plus. And I thought, isn't that fascinating? I'm at this weird age where I'm like, I'm too old and too young all at the same time. Not yet a so anyway, so yeah, you you are open. So let's uh let's unpack this. So what's got you what what has you at this place? Because there were moments where you were just like, oh my god, I don't think I could ever do this. So what's changed?

SPEAKER_02 10:09

Sure of it. Um, what has changed? I think it would be healthy for me, you know, okay, you know, when you're in the house, this is this is an analogy though, so this is not a yeah, directly related, but you know, when you're in your house a lot and you're just so comfortable in your house and your sweatpats, and you think, oh, it might be good to put on something nice and go outside. Well, the analogy is that I'm just happily with all my friends and doing my thing and busy. And so I think it would be healthy for me to have some kind of push you out of your comfort zone. Yeah, and res some yeah, mix it up. Yeah, mix it up, maybe get some mojo back. I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 10:54

If that's I was thinking about that because you know, when I go back to this recent experience, I went and took tennis lessons and I felt old and I did not like how it felt. But what I realized is that I'm rarely an anonymous person in my life because I am the way I work, I'm a one, you know, like I work for myself. So if people are calling me there, they want me to be their teacher or they want my program. So they already know the backstory. Or I like you, I I exist in the same friendships. And I mean, I put myself out of my comfort zone doing some things like hiking and fitness and you know whatnot. But I think you're, you know, I I realized it is very easy to get almost complacently comfortable socially speaking.

SPEAKER_02 11:51

Yes. And I think when oh God, I hope I'm ready for this. But anyway, my my feeling right now is that I'm doing it for for my own growth, not necessarily because I feel like, oh my God, I need to find a man. So I think that's a good place to go from.

SPEAKER_04 12:08

And just I think so too. And I think um what we're gonna be doing is literally a step at a time. Yeah. Like first, we're gonna look at the website, and there's a chance you'll just be like, can't not there. And you know, we'll just do it a step at a time, and then it'll be neat to report back. Uh, you know, again, being respectful to others, and and you know, this is not to make fun of like the show where I made fun of all those guys. I this is not what this is about. It's more fun of yourself and my that's true, yeah. Yeah, but anyway, um, yeah, it'll be interesting to see.

SPEAKER_02 12:44

So then our the name of our um podcast will become so this is love? Well yeah, we'll go back to the original name.

SPEAKER_01 12:51

Yeah, or how do you do love? How do I do love?

SPEAKER_04 12:56

Okay, how can you do you do love? Yeah, I yeah, I'm not quite sure where you're I was trying to work with you on that.

SPEAKER_01 13:02

I just didn't.

SPEAKER_04 13:03

So you're saying that you're feeling happy and content on your own. You're open to meeting people, um, but you're also feeling like you just need to stir things up a bit.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:17

Yeah. Yeah. In life. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

And maybe it's just to remind me of that I've got a great life and I don't need to, you know, who knows what the I don't know what the reason is, but I think it's just good for my brain to be different.

SPEAKER_04 13:32

And and I mean, maybe maybe you're being guy, some people who are more new age, maybe you're being guided and like that guy, like who knows? Maybe you'll you'll end up in a whole new place with there. Are a lot of people that have had great success online dating. A lot, a lot, a lot. And I think you are setting yourself up for success for sure.

SPEAKER_02 13:54

Here's hope I yeah, yeah. It's exciting.

SPEAKER_04 14:00

Okay, I feel like I want to get to some of the other the some other things that I've been sort of thinking, but maybe what we should do. So, do you remember all that time ago? Um, so two episodes ago, which was I guess it turned ended up being our season finale to episode one, just because we didn't find time to record more podcasts after that. We were talking about love bombing. Okay. And uh we did actually get, we do you remember um we had someone ask us to talk about love bombing, and then we were talking about it, and then we were trying to decide what they actually meant because we both had different senses of what love bombing meant. And so we did hear back from her. Okay. Uh, and so I just want to uh read what she said. Just listening to the podcast. In my case, it was the narcissistic type that the attention over the first year was over the top. Then the behavior eventually changed, making the end much more difficult because you're wondering where that person went. In reality, the person in the earlier days does not really exist. A tough thing to bounce back from. Also, it's true that you have to be vulnerable to it in the first place. I think she means vulnerable to love bombing in the first place. I don't think I would be vulnerable to that again from all the learning. You are right that they actually think you are great at first. It's not necessarily an act, it's their own wish to find a magical perfect partner. It is true. Like, boy, she's got so many good little things, nuggets in there.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

Is there well? I think uh the the the first one I want to talk about is the last thing that she said, which is they do think you're great at first, but it's because they are, she didn't use this word, but projecting what they want. And I think that is what what I think about myself in this new world, maybe, of online dating. I think fucking do not project anything onto this person, just sit back and let them show you who they are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:03

Show you who they are. Angela's got a meditative stance out. But you know what it makes me think of? It makes me want you to read that chapter of the molecule of more, just the very first chapter that talks about what dopamine in the brain does when you are falling in love with someone.

SPEAKER_05 16:19

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 16:19

And if I just remember this so well, dopamine is all about future, and the dopamine is going so nutty that you are falling in love with your future projections of this person, which doesn't mean you you you know, but that is something I think to take comfort in that there is it's not just you, it's there's a physiological thing happening. And so it I think calming it down and like having to me when and if I think I want to date again, I am going to put some really strict guidelines on myself for how much time I'm going to take to get to know the person. Just because I can't seem to stay calm.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:08

Like if things get physical, I go fucking insane. Yeah. Like, yeah, like that is it. Like I'm you know what? Actually, I can tell this story. Um, I met someone very recently uh who was single. And so I just want to, I'm gonna back up. Uh I think if you've been listening to these episodes, you'll know I've been single for a couple of months now, and I'm very much not interested in dating, not interested in meeting anyone, and and just like I haven't been feeling very interested in men at all. Like you I used to check men out, and I haven't been at all. And um, so I was in this setting where I was hanging out with someone um that I knew was single, and uh we we we had a common project together. So we were all working together and getting to know each other and chatting, and we spent like four, three, four hours together. And as soon as I realized he was single, my fucking brain started planning our life together. I knew nothing about this guy. I felt zero attraction to him, but I just went, oh, single man getting to know him. What's our wedding gonna look like?

SPEAKER_01 18:20

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:21

And and I was like, what the fuck are you doing, Margaret? Like after all this time and all this thought, I just went right back into an old pattern of, ooh, single guy. Obviously, I should try to date this guy, you know. And of course, I didn't, and he didn't, and nothing transpired. And luckily, that was within the first half hour of spending time with this person. And by the end of the project, by the time we said goodbye, I knew I I didn't care if I saw this person again.

SPEAKER_05 18:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:56

But um, yeah, it and that really that that shocked me because I felt pretty grounded in my I don't want to date.

SPEAKER_02 19:04

Yeah. But it's it's part of your old brain, like it's it's not even it's just true. A part that's still running, it's running so you can almost look at it and be like, oh, that's so cute.

SPEAKER_04 19:16

Yeah, I guess, yeah. Yeah, I mean, luckily it was just, you know, it was one of those moments where it was curious and a learning, you know. And thank God he didn't ask for my phone number or start asking me. Like, what if he'd been more receptive, yeah, you know, or seemingly interested, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:39

Um, so yeah, there's that part of it, the um projecting and then the love bombing, oh, that you're not vulnerable to it. I think we're all vulnerable to it. Um but if we have experienced it, I think we still have to be on guard.

SPEAKER_04 19:59

Yeah, I think I think it's I I I think it's just being aware that it's highly likely.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:06

Like if he's saying things like, I can't wait for you to meet my mother in the first few dates, yeah, or like, oh yeah, well, we'll meet you'll be meeting the kids, of course.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

Like we're gonna be back home to meet my mother and it's only a 17-hour flight.

SPEAKER_03 20:27

Just all that stuff. Yeah, all that stuff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:29

And and and myself too. Like, I I would suspect that I might be an innocent love bomber given the chance, you know, like again, totally just like that part. Because I feel like I was bombing that guy, like I was literally planning a future with this guy that I like knew nothing about and doing I mean it was like one minute, if even maybe even like I don't know, yeah, how long do dreams take? Like it could have been a a millisecond of thought, and then I caught it. But yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

Yeah, I I really like that point because I think when we talk about love bombing, um, it's often connected to a narcissist or some kind of blah blah blah. And it's evil. They're horrible people. But I think that anybody's capable of acting in any way for a short period of time, anyway. And so I think it's good to take into account that this person might not seem um horrible, but the love bonding is still not what you want to have, what you want to develop. Uh uh It's not a good way to begin a relationship. Yeah, foundation.

SPEAKER_04 21:36

It's not a good foundation. Well, yeah, because I don't think, boy, I never put that together. But I mean, everything I've talked about on this podcast of how I try to make it work, it's like I meet someone, I decide we are going to be together first. And then it's like I take, I'm like, oh, the puzzle the puzzle piece doesn't work in here. So let me cut this part off and you know, change that. And you know, like instead of waiting to see. And and that also brings me back to what you and I talked about. Like, if they're starting to offer up plans, like, oh yeah, maybe I'll I'll have to take you to my cabin sometime, or you'll like my kids when you meet them, or like any of that stuff. When they don't know you compassionately, just be aware.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:21

They mean it, they're not being jerks, they want this to work. It's positive, but just be prepared, like be ready and and keep keep it going slow. Because if they are really not decent people, they won't mat handle that well. And you'll see their true colors if you're like, whoa, whoa, like, yeah, I I'm not, I'm in no rush. We've got the if if this works out, we have the rest of our lives, you know. Yeah. So there's that. And also just you and I like made the jokes about um, not jokes, but when I was doing all my dopamine reading last year and read that thing that said at 12 to 18 months, the dopamine stops producing in the same way, and you start looking at this person going, who is this? Like this guy farts and smells and is kind of a uh right-wing asshole or you know, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:13

Um, you don't don't make plans. Like, don't plan to move in together. Don't talk about buying, like, don't even buy fucking plane tickets. Don't decide you're gonna go to Iceland together in the spring and buy tickets, you know. No, I don't, I'm not actually speaking in that was I realized I went to Iceland with Jim. I did not mean that to uh sound like us. I was just trying to think of some fun adventure that would feel like fun to plan with a new guy. Yeah, you know?

SPEAKER_01 23:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:41

Um I almost feel like, okay, so if I start this dating adventure, so wherever I might be looking, maybe I will be sitting on this kit kitchen table or whatever. But I want to have like something that I open. I was gonna say I could put it on this wall, but my suits will see it, that has like the top, and I mean this can uh totally seriously, like things to that I want to do or not don't want to do, so I can refer to it.

SPEAKER_04 24:05

Well, you could you could do it symbolically because if you say had a picture you could put a picture of an airplane up, nobody has to know what they mean.

unknown 24:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:14

Well, no, you don't need you would know, right? But yeah, I think you're gonna, I don't know, I kind of think you're gonna be on top of it.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

See, I think I need to meet people not in my house or their house for a very long time.

SPEAKER_04 24:27

Oh, that's a good that's great. We should be writing this down. I'm going to. I'm gonna open up notebook. I I do think love bombers invite you over and to cook dinner for you very quickly. If it like just, well, God, are there sex bombers? Because I kind of think I do think there are people, and I my obviously my own experience is males who do kind of lure a woman in, making it seem like they want something real, but they really just want a uh passionate weekend.

SPEAKER_01 24:57

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 24:57

And um they may tell themselves they're looking for the real thing, but yeah. So no, don't go to either's house. I wrote for one month. Okay, for one month. Sounds good. What do you think, listeners?

SPEAKER_02 25:09

Yeah, I want to know. Okay, the other thing is um don't let it for me, don't let it all be talking because I'm a good talker. I love getting to know people, and it's a passion of mine is just learning about people, but I think that can give a guy the wrong idea that I'm just so interested in them.

SPEAKER_04 25:30

I think that is a big issue of mine. I'm gonna play this video for you, and I'm hoping I can I can actually get the sound. So there's this funny old sitcom called Superstore. Yes. And Mark McKinney from Kids in the Hall plays this hilarious manager, and he quoted something. He was trying to interview employees, yeah, and he was explaining why he's terrible at interviewing, and I had to record it because it sounded exactly like me.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

I like just about everybody I meet. I have virtually no standards in this code.

SPEAKER_04 26:07

That is me. That is me dating. I just am so fascinated with people.

SPEAKER_02 26:14

Can you just repeat that in your own voice, though?

SPEAKER_04 26:16

I like virtually everyone I meet. I literally have no standards. Is that there was I have absolutely no standards. And that is how I feel because I do find people interesting and I do trust and believe what they're saying. And I agree, I think um, we talked about this. So don't go in the house be or and I wouldn't even say one month. I would pick a number of dates because if you're only seeing each other, you know, eight dates or twenty dates or three dates or whatever, because you don't know how often you're gonna see the person. I'm gonna say and I think five dates. Even things. So I had a rule that I had to meet the person quickly. And this was just me. I don't advise it necessarily. It depends on the kind of person you are, but I'm a writer and I and I write very quickly, and I would sit at my laptop and I'd be like, or even on my phone. And I loved writing back to these guys, and they'd write to me. And I there was this one guy, I swear we were like, we were just two authors. And of course, when we by the time we met, our standards were so high. And of course, we, you know, we spent some time together, but it didn't work out.

SPEAKER_05 27:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:30

And I realized like he was just an absolute narcissist. All he wanted to do was talk about himself and write about himself, and maybe I was a little bit too because I loved, you know, I just loved it. So I needed to meet in person first because I almost right away, because I wanted to see what was remote.

SPEAKER_02 27:46

Yeah, I feel that way. I don't, I'm not good at flirting before I know before I've met the person. I don't think I can do that.

SPEAKER_04 27:54

So meet what I'm thinking is uh in people's profiles, a lot of women will will be very clear. Like, uh you can say, I will want to meet right away, yeah, but I will be taking my time to get to know him in person. Yeah, you know?

SPEAKER_05 28:13

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:14

And and um we're just all on such good behavior when we're we're we bring our A games, you know? Like you're gonna be curling your hair, you're gonna be wearing more makeup, you're gonna be, you know, like because when you're interested in someone, you just want to bring it.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 28:30

And they do too. So that is the that's the challenge. And I do invite the listeners, like, if if any of you are married, you know, can you go back to those, those, like what made the relationship initially successful? Because we all were unsuccessful so much, and then whatever landed our partner that we ended up marrying, like, do you remember if it's a long time ago, what was that one thing that you did differently or that you attribute the success of your relationship to? Or if you're not married and you're a single person, like what are you thinking about what you're gonna do next? Or what have you observed in your single friends and how maybe they've been when you get that irrational, crushy, you know, and rushing in and doing too much or people pleasing or whatever. Yeah, what what do you see in others that you kind of go, whoa, whoa, whoa. But I think it's about taking time and just having s a system.

SPEAKER_01 29:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 29:30

Right now, things like uh meet, meet meet places. Don't yeah, don't pick each other up, you know. Yes, have them meet you. Yeah, that reassures you they do own a vehicle. I had a rule that I never I didn't want to meet at a park. I would feel I would be, yeah. No, I I just feel like they could pull me into the trees and abuse me. Right. That's scary. Well, I had a I did have a like I was cautious. I would always meet somewhere public that I knew was gonna be a busy cafe. And I would always tell my sister exactly where I was going. Right. I would have her text me after 20 minutes because then when my phone buzzed, I could say, Oh, I'm sorry, I gotta go. Like if for whatever reason, you know, and she would text me every 15, 20 minutes because if I needed an out, I had an out, right? Yeah, but no, that stuff's really important. I mean, people online date all the time, and there are very few stories of bad things happening, but you still want to be smart, you know?

SPEAKER_02 30:32

Will you be my personal sure?

SPEAKER_04 30:34

Yeah, yeah, you might want to have a few, like it if I'm yo, it's just going to be better. If I'm at work, it's gonna be like, hold on, stop the class. I just need to take my friends on and on on a first a meet and greet. But then you know what the other thing is, what kind of questions do you want to ask? Yes, that's because I think there are things you want to know, like um, how come they're single or how they've become single or what their last relationship was. That's fair game. Because hearing them talk about their ex and you know, it can be like if they're like, oh my god, she's such a bitch, like that's a red flag, you know.

SPEAKER_05 31:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:12

And and that thing about going like going somewhere where there's a server, uh an actual server. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because seeing how they maybe that's the first date. The meet and greet to me is somewhere where you don't have to wait for food to come. You pick it up and you sit down with it, and then you can leave anytime. Okay. But if you do get to a date, that's where you want to watch how they treat the servers.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:38

And how they respond. Also, just their general attitude about the meal and just all that stuff.

SPEAKER_02 31:43

Like things. Oh, I almost want to make a list of this. I don't know if this is just gonna like I'll be like, no, I'll do that tomorrow and then watch 25,000 hours of YouTube. But I feel like it would be a good um little um exercise practice, thank you, for me to write down the red flags that I can remember about my last four relationships. Oh wow. I feel like those were me.

SPEAKER_04 32:12

Yeah, I think that's a great idea, the last four relationships. So um if they've been married, how their relationship ended, how not whether they're like I know they say he better be divorced, but if he's not divorced, what the circumstances are, yeah, you know, how do they talk about it? Angela's chewing again away from the microphone. I love it. So I think finding uh hearing how they the other thing is is um for me, a really big red flag is how they approach their health. Because from my experience with so many relationships is when men are single, they amp up, they exercise, they get really fit. And then it's like when when they get comfortable again, they stop. And so somehow ascertaining that you sh truly do share the same values, it doesn't matter what they are. I I'm just using the fitness as a an example. But if you really care about a certain level of health, how you eat, yeah, whether you are fit or not, find out if it's kind of been a an ongoing thing for them. I think that's really or whatever their value is, like if they work, if if they can't find time for you because they work constantly, you know, figuring out has that always been the case, or are they a hobosexual and they're gonna quit their second job as soon as they start dating you because they're gonna move into your place or something like that. I don't know. Yeah, there are a lot of questions. A lot of questions to ask. You should have a question. Have have they has there ever been a restraining order lifted against them? I'm just gonna do that.

SPEAKER_02 33:58

Do you know what I'd like to do? I mean, I would like to actually write out my questions in advance and just have like this might seem lame for people have done it. And have my little book and say, these are the questions that I ask.

SPEAKER_04 34:10

Why not? I think I think that if you if you get there and you feel you need the book, yeah, and if he's good with that, then you guys are probably some compatible. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And if if if you get there and you don't, you're you're fine, you're enjoying the flow, then at some point you could say, hang on, you know what, we've covered a lot of stuff, but you know, I I I know this is, you know, I've got, I got, I just want to check. I had some questions. I have questions I like to ask people. Yeah. Because I mean, people are that's the cool thing. People are very honest about that. Like there are questions to ask before you even get to the meet and greet, I think. That's the other thing. Like, have a few questions. I asked one guy once if he was gainfully employed and he got so mad at me and he canceled our meet and greet. I have a feeling it's because he actually was just not not legit, but he took it as being mortally offended by my question. Yeah. And I didn't care if he was gainfully employed in lines of I wasn't looking for a wealthy guy.

SPEAKER_01 35:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:16

I just wanted to make sure that he had a job. Had a job because that to me is again, there's a shared value there. Like I want someone who keeps busy and is active and is ambitious, even if he's retired. He's got things he's doing with his life. Because I think one thing I've really realized is I don't want to be weighed down by someone who goes, Oh, she likes hiking. That'll get me hiking.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

Right.

SPEAKER_04 35:48

I want someone where we both like the same things. We're both interested in the same things. And so on the days where I'm going, let's just sleep in, he's gonna be like, no, no, come on, we talked about it, let's go.

SPEAKER_02 36:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:01

And vice versa. Whereas I often end up in relationships where at all of it, and I don't just mean whether we go hiking or not, everything. Whether we stay in that day, whether we go out, where we go to eat, like it's always looking to me. What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? I don't, I don't want that. I really want an equal. Yeah. An equal just means someone who speaks up for, you know, speaks their mind.

SPEAKER_02 36:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:26

You know, because it doesn't mean someone that agrees with me.

SPEAKER_02 36:29

Have you ever had that in a relationship?

SPEAKER_04 36:31

At times, yeah, I often ended up in positions where I just had all the control to begin with, either financially or because I was the mother and I had they'd never had children, so it was always what was best for my children. And and it wasn't what I wanted, but it always was what I ended up with, which implies to me that there's something I'm not doing in lines of I suspect I'm not being communicative enough and vulnerable enough either.

SPEAKER_02 37:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 37:07

I don't know if that's making sense.

SPEAKER_02 37:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 37:10

Cause I don't I think I'm always going to be attracted to a certain type of person. Like I too tend to like more reserved people. I'm the more outgoing one, they're more reserved, which often leads to someone who is kind of more a yes person and they let you lead and they let you decide. But I learned this thing the other day from um an a friend of mine who's super active, and she's she's out, she and her husband are very active together, but they're they've got all these groups that they do things, activities with, and it was so cool. We were on a hike and we weren't sure if we'd gone the right way. And she's like, We have a rule that everybody is responsible for making sure we're going the right way. And I was like, Yes, she goes, it doesn't matter who's in front, doesn't matter who's has the map. Yeah, everybody has got to chime in and nobody's being held responsible. Yeah. And I thought that is the perfect metaphor for life.

SPEAKER_02 38:05

Yeah. Whew, it's a lot.

SPEAKER_04 38:07

So we want to hear from people then. We want to hear from people because Angela's embarking on this thing, and I'm kind of like, I'm I can't remember. I had some deeper things I want to talk about, but I can't remember any of them, which I think is good because what we're talking about today is okay, Angela's ready to do love. And how how can she do love? Like, what are your secrets to success? What have you been your secrets to success? What do people think? What do you see in other people? What have you seen in yourselves? And and uh yeah, please, please, please.

SPEAKER_02 38:38

I would love uh advice that anybody wants to earn any sharing of vulnerable stories.

SPEAKER_04 38:45

Awesome, Angie. Yay, Margaret. Thanks for joining me today. That was super fun. All right, ciao, ciao. Bye. Okay, well, there you have it. Thank you for listening. Uh, tune in next time to hear the uh other side of the cliffhanger of what did Angela do? Has she gone online, and how did it go? And uh quick thank you to Stephen Morton for the beautiful artwork on the album cover. Until next time,