This Might Help with Sascha Alexander
Real people. Real Problems. Real Coaching. "This Might Help is" live coaching for when life gets complicated.
This Might Help with Sascha Alexander
S1 Finale: Revisiting Ben, Rachel, Diana, and Emma
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Where are they now?
We are back with Ben, Rachel, Diana, and Emma. And things have moved forward.
- One person got a job writing with an Oscar-winning writing team
- Someone else met a loving partner aligned with the qualities they were talking about on their episode
- Another person got a job in his chosen field after years of waffling.
- Someone else overcame resistance in their creative life and start working on a project they are more excited about than they have been in a long time
If you've been curious about what happens AFTER a coaching session ends, this episode is for you.
Your takeaways:
- The value of inventory, the way it allows us to notice the quieter changes that often precede the big dramatic shifts in our lives.
- The power of action! Action is what makes the difference, not over-analysis.
- Change can be closer than we think it is.
- Showing up as ourselves in a networking situation is all that's needed to get the opportunities that are meant for us.
- Baby steps count. They get your nervous system used to the new reality you're heading towards.
Hi, I'm Sasha Alexander. I'm a coach who spent the last nine years helping people change their lives, careers, and relationships one honest conversation at a time. This might help you get a front-row seat to some of those conversations. They're raw, they're surprising, sometimes hilarious, sometimes tender, and most importantly, real. My hope is that you see yourself in these conversations and that they remind you the answers you need are already inside you. All it takes is the right space to find them. Real people, real conversations, real coaching. This is This Might Help with Me, Sasha Alexander. Let's dive in. I'm back from maternity leave. I had a baby. I'm a first-time mom. My life feels wildly different than it did when I wrapped up the first season of This Might Help. But this episode was always in the back of my mind. And so this season one wrap-up is conceived the very first week that the podcast actually came out. I went to my local dog park, which is a place I go almost every afternoon with my dog Barkley. And I saw one of my dog park friends there who had been listening to the podcast. And he was asking me, Well, so what happened? What happened with Ben? What happened with Natasha? He was sharing that he was really invested and that he was curious about their process after their episode. And I thought this was really brilliant because this is actually one of the best and most powerful parts of my job, is that I get to see that. I get to see what happens after a session. And a part of why I'm doing the podcast is to share coaching more widely with the world. Like this is what I see in sessions every week. This is the kind of growth that I see year after year when people commit to changing their lives. So this is a way for me to share that with you guys. So I decided to wrap up the season by revisiting as many of the participants from season one as I could get a hold of and as were willing to talk with me again. I never know what will occur when I do this. Sometimes people take giant leaps after a single conversation. Sometimes the shifts are more internal or more subtle. This time we had someone get a job writing with an Oscar-winning writing team. We had someone meet a loving partner aligned with the qualities they were talking about on their episode. No joke. We had somebody get a job in their chosen field after years of waffling. And we had somebody overcome resistance in their creative life and start working on a project they are more excited about than they have been in a long time. You are going to get so much out of hearing these stories. Before we dive in, I'm going to do an overview of the overall learnings that I think are available here. First, the value of inventory. Often we don't notice how much things are changing until we actually slow down and talk about what has happened with a trusted person. Inventory is so valuable. And that's what we're doing here in this episode. We're asking, okay, hold up. What is different? Are we starting to get hints that we're going in a new direction in our lives? Often because change shows up as whispers before it shows up as shouts, we don't even notice when we're starting to turn the tides. We don't even notice when our internal experience is a little bit less painful, when things are a little bit more hopeful. And this is what it looks like to start to turn things around. And you're going to hear me talk about that in the episode itself. So I want to highlight that up top. The value of inventory and the way inventory allows us to notice the quieter changes that often precede these big dramatic shifts that all of us come to coaching to experience. There's also a lot about the power of action. All four of the people that came back to the podcast took a lot of action after their session. They said yes to the assignments. They read the books, they created the ideal scenes, they did the networking, they took what they learned and they made it their own. This is something I learned during my training in the CFJ Coaching Success School. It's one thing to have an insight on a retreat weekend, in a coaching session, in a therapy session. It's another to go act on that insight immediately. And my coach Carolyn used to say, do it this week, do it this week, or it's not really yours. We really make something our own when we say yes and get it on its feet. And so you're going to hear that these people, you know, who came back to share, all of them took actions big and small after their session to start to generate that new momentum. We discussed in season one that the universe meets us at the point of action. That's really when things start to change. We don't want to overanalyze, we don't want to think about change forever. That's really a convenient way to kind of stay stuck. Action is the thing that makes the difference. That's when life starts to meet us there and help us move forward. The last takeaway I really had listening to these stories that I often have as a coach is that change can be really close by. Change is often closer than we think it is. It doesn't take that much. It just takes doing the things that you hear, Ben, Rachel, Emma, and Diana share about doing sending the email, painting your affirmations, taking a meeting you wouldn't take before. And then suddenly here you are in a new reality. So don't overestimate how much action is required. You know, sometimes the things we're seeking are actually so nearby. And we want to keep that possibility open as we walk forward into the uncharted territory of change. So I hope this is as inspiring for you as it is for me. We're going to resume normal episodes of This Might Help and begin season two shortly in just a few weeks. And so enjoy revisiting some of your favorite people from last season. And as always, I always want to hear from you if something stood out to you, if you related. So let's go ahead and dive in. Here is Ben from episode one. You might remember that Ben came to the podcast wanting to make a decision. He was transitioning from tech into construction and building and was curious about which pathway he might take. Should he start his own business? Should he work for somebody else? Should he build from the ground up? Should he renovate? The other part of our conversation was about the paralysis analysis that he could get stuck in, the overthinking, the sort of waffling back and forth and never really choosing and committing. And so you're about to hear where he is with all of that now.
SPEAKER_00So let's see. Um, in a nutshell, I guess I took all of your wonderful advice and it's going wonderfully. Uh so shortly after we spoke, I did get an opportunity. I did decide to uh find an existing general contractor that builds homes and go work with them for a bit so I can learn a thing or two. Amazing.
SPEAKER_01You chose path two.
SPEAKER_00I chose path two. Yeah. Yeah. I did this networking call where I was just talking to people in the industry. Oh, do you know someone who could help me? And one intro led to another. So I'm just having this coffee date to learn more about how to enter the industry and what to do. And this 30-minute meeting turns into two hours. And at the end, they go, you know, uh, my company might be growing. We might be able to make some room for you here. I think there was just a really good vibe in the air, uh, which led to a job.
SPEAKER_01Can I interrupt you? Actually, this is Of course, always. This is really thrilling because this is really how networking actually works. I coach so many people on career, and and there's such trepidation around networking. And actually, episode five of the pod, we talked uh with Emma about networking a lot. And it you just gave us a textbook example of how effortless networking can be when we're really just like, I'm just here to learn and this is me and this is what I want, and suddenly doors open, right? When we're not coming in with like a super specific agenda. And I love the way your clarity magnetized this experience and this this opportunity towards you. And then you were just yourself. And when that happens, like things happen.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. You know, you might say that the universe met me at the point of action, you know. You might say that, which is your line from our episode.
SPEAKER_03Uh it sure is, yeah.
SPEAKER_00No, it was really great. And it was better than any interview because I wasn't trying to, like you said, I was just being myself. I was just like, hey, I don't really know. What do you think? And people like that. People like those candid conversations. It just struck a it struck a no. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Really, when we're just ourselves, like we're impressive enough.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. It definitely worked in my favor. So I started working as an assistant project manager for a general contractor that builds high-end homes in the Malibu area in September. Um, and it's been amazing. Uh, I'm very I was pleasantly surprised and impressed by how well we work together. It's a teensy tiny company, so there's a lot of uh hats to wear. And I do get it now. I'm get, you know, there's what you know, and there's what you know you don't know. And there was a hell of a lot that I didn't know I didn't know. And now I'm learning just how much I didn't know. Um, it's like I said, I could probably build a house myself, but I wouldn't know the first thing about running one of these companies. And it's it's sort of like I'm getting an intro course at a PhD level because this is very high-net stuff, very complex, big builds, um, which is great. Like it is learning from a fire hose, drinking from a fire hose, but yeah, it's a way to expedite the process. Um, so it's it's going well. I mean, yeah, am I making as much as I used to? No, I'm making like half as much.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Does that suck sometimes? Yeah, yeah, it does suck sometimes. Is it humbling, which is a positive way to phrase starting at the beginning where you really, really don't, you know, you went from being very competent and knowing how to move around in the world to having to be that junior kid that's always asking for help? Yeah, that's it doesn't always feel good. So there's a lot of shit sandwiches, but overall, the overall feeling is like I'm doing the right thing.
SPEAKER_01Oh my God, how great. Has the overthinking come back now that you chose a path, or once you chose, was it pretty quiet?
SPEAKER_00Who me? That would never happen again. It took two months before the overthinking, like just put me back in a like a mental prison. Yeah, all the overthinking looks like. So wait, how long am I gonna work here? And what am I doing next? Am I am I building a house in California? Wait, if so, when when do I have to get a contract? What what do I have to learn before I can leave here? Or am I gonna do this for maybe a little longer because it feels good, and maybe just build a house in Colorado? There's there's so many options, and I can't decide between any of them. And that's where the overthinking has it did kind of strangle me for a few weeks uh recently.
SPEAKER_01Oh, and how did you move out of that?
SPEAKER_00Um It was partially, I had to satiate that intellectual side of me by thinking through it a bit. And it was partially, I think it was this time it came with the help of my partner, but it was the advice that you've echoed, which is you kind of have to embrace the unknown. There's a pe there's a window of time here where you don't know, and that just has to be okay. And overthinking isn't actually productive, you're not actually accomplishing anything, you're not actually making progress by overthinking it. The progress that needs to be made is just by learning on the job. So just that's already taking you in the right direction. So just try to like surrender to you don't have a specific plan, you have enough of a plan.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you sound great. What a difference.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What a difference, truly. I'm so happy for you. Because I think like when it comes to a coping mechanism like overthinking, it's not gonna go away. It's gonna be that you're gonna get better at relating to it and working with it and reducing the downtime. And it's like, look at how much less time you were in the mire. And look at how you were able to practice a new tool of being like, I can embrace uncertainty and I can say I know enough. And I can continue to, you know, trust that as I take action, it'll become clear. It's like a few months ago, these were just ideas and now you're living them. And I really think that that's um one of the reasons I'm doing these follow-ups is because one of the best parts of my job is that I get to see over time what happens with somebody. And this is what happens, right? We start to move down the path. And now there's new lessons and we're encountering the same patterns, but they're different. It's it's the same pattern, but it's less intense, or it's the same pattern, but I'm further down the road. There's momentum behind me. And then it's like we overcome it in that moment and continue. We overcome it in that moment and continue. And bit by bit, you know, you are gonna get to a point where you have the contractor's license and the first house is built. Like, Ben, that's coming. It's really a matter of like every step and you being with yourself in every step. And now you know how to move out of paralysis. So I'm thrilled, could not be more thrilled for you. I don't know, how would it all of that kind of hit you?
SPEAKER_00No, it resonates a lot. Uh, it's it is absolutely true. I did move out of this one way faster and more easily. And there is, it does resonate. Yeah, it's gonna happen again. You're gonna get that paralysis again. And I like the goal that all you can hope for is to move a little bit better through this one than last one. And I like that. And uh where you said, that's gonna happen. You are gonna have built a house. I kind of got chills because I think I I don't know if it's self-doubt or what, but there's a like, wait, really? Wait, I think you're right. Holy crap! Like you're doing all these things to get to this goal, but somehow you forgot, or maybe you just didn't fully believe it until it's done. I don't know why. When you said that, I was like, wait a minute, I think she's right.
SPEAKER_01I'm so glad I could remind you of your own conviction. What a wonderful update. That's so great. Is there anything else relevant that you wanted to share?
SPEAKER_00Um, no, just to say thank you. Uh, I guess my final thought is I think the paralysis got in the way of that conviction. And I think I want to remind myself when you go through that paralysis. Just try to go through it a little bit better. Like 1% better than last time is good enough. And to maybe remind yourself when you're overwhelmed by like, is it gonna happen like this? Is it gonna happen like that? No one ever knows how it's gonna happen. Even if you did know, it probably wouldn't happen that way.
SPEAKER_06Yep.
SPEAKER_00But dude, it's gonna happen. Just keep marching and it's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_06Like you're doing it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So I'm gonna try to remind myself of that from time to time. So thanks, Sasha.
SPEAKER_01And now we're gonna hear from Rachel from episode three. Rachel's share on the podcast was all about recovering from domestic violence, recovering from trauma. And she had a few triggers left after years of working with therapists, with support groups. There was just one area that she still felt pretty contracted around, and it was her earning. And so we were talking about how to help her system feel safe, making more money. And specifically, she had a Reiki business, a very successful and high-earning Reiki business prior to the abuse. And the question is, how can I get comfortable seeing my calendar fill up again, seeing my bank account get bigger again when I have associations with the abuse? There was also a lot of discussion about partnership and the kind of partnership that she wanted to create for herself, which was one where she felt protected and cherished. And you're gonna hear right now what has happened since we unpacked all this together.
SPEAKER_04So, right after we got off the phone, I painted all the affirmations we talked about. I painted prosperity plus well, equal safety. And I wrote like all the things that I'm trying to visualize. And then one of the things I wrote was um, what if I attract a giver? And what if I attract a protector? And then I like the next day, like I I lit two candles. It was so over the top because they're like pink and they say love on them. So I and it's in the romance corner of my room. It like I feng shuied so hard. I it was like uh over the top feng shui. And I so I lit the two candles and then uh someone appeared the next day. And then what? Yeah, and then um one of he was at my house and we were like hugging, and he's like, It's so weird, but I feel like I just really want to protect you. And like it's funny for me to say that because of course I think in my mind, of course, I want that, but people I don't give the vibe that I want that. And then so I just walked over to my little um stand of my I have little card stands that I put the affirmations on and I showed him like what if I attract a give or what if I pract you know, attract a protector, and I like showed him to be like, no, that's exactly what I ordered, right? Like that's what I wanted. And then the other thing um I was working on is so between where I was on the phone call and going back to taking Reiki clients like kind of as my full-time not full-time hours or full-time income. That's what I'm going for is full-time income without the hours. Um I've kind of split the difference. So this last week I was um I have been gathering leads of people to work on. And I did a tuning fork training, which is not quite as intense as Reiki. Like you can't do as much with it, but it's like splitting the difference between what I'm doing now and being a full-on practitioner. Smart.
SPEAKER_01I mean, it's like the baby steps that we were talking about. In a way, it's a really smart move because it's moving you towards it without overwhelming your system.
SPEAKER_04Exactly. So I did a tuning fork certification, and then I could ask everybody, like, hey, does anyone want me to do tuning forks for free? So my nervous system could just get used to having my schedule full. Like one of the little paints, one of the little paintings I made was like, I have a full schedule of clients and trying to smile and breathe, like what you were saying to practice. Just picturing my schedule being full. Yeah, so I've had like about two clients a day for the last little bit for about a week.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh, we're doing it. We are doing it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. So I'm still, it is super baby step, so because I'm doing free clients and I'm trying to get it under an hour, and I'm still practicing tuning forks. So I'm trying to force myself to do it under an hour, not give them too much time, especially because I'm not charging yet. But my body's getting used to just having my schedule be full.
SPEAKER_01And and how is that going? Are you finding that your body is feeling more at ease over as you are going?
SPEAKER_04When I think about charging people, I'm still upset. I can tell, so it is still pushing against me. So I'm still going to my edge. That's great. Yeah, I'm definitely going to my edge. And I feel I know you'll give me something about this, but I feel super crabby. I'm just like, Yeah. Right, but so uncomfortable, right? Yeah. But I'm I'm taking clients and they'll freak out. They'll be like, oh my gosh, you're so good at this. And like in my mind, I'm like, what are you talking about? Like I'm very crabby, but like I know that they feel better. I can see that they feel better, but my body's still like hung over. You know what I'm saying? Like I still feel so yes, the last two days, I still took clients, a couple clients a day, but like I'm so like crabby and exhausted about it. Like, but but that's I think it's good. And I've been journaling every morning to be like I write down my dreams every morning. And it's just I'm still just getting used to the undoing of that trauma. And so I've been like I texted a friend yesterday to be like, I'm so incredibly hard on myself because I need to just let myself get better slowly as I am. But part of me is like, why aren't I making money yet? Because I do feel the impending doom feeling of my bank account emptying. You know what I mean? Like I still there's a little bit of an external clock of like I gotta get better fast so I can earn my own money again. But my internal timing is still like you're going as fast as you can.
SPEAKER_01Yep. And I think when that's the case, we just have to operate from faith. From like, well, if I can't rush this process, then it's gonna be what it is. And the thing about you, Rachel, that I know is that you're good at making money when you need to, however, you need to make it. So it's like if this takes longer, you know, to get back to the kind of earning that you want in the way you want it, in the meantime, you will find a way to bridge that income. And I only know that because of the way I've known you over the past few years. I've seen you do that over and over and over again.
SPEAKER_04Thank you. I do need to be reminded of that because it's like I don't, I feel in the depths of loserdom like every day. It's like I don't need to feel that way, but I just do.
SPEAKER_01I just feel like Oh my God, Rachel, I see you as the opposite of that. I mean, I hear this update and I'm like, holy shit, this is like applying every single thing that we talked about and getting results really rapidly. That's the opposite of loserdom. I think sometimes of course, I think just when we're in a rehabilitation process of any kind, it can feel like I I suck, you know? But I that I think that's a distortion. That's just the pain.
SPEAKER_04I think it is a distortion, but it's also like, I don't know, I've been thinking about a lot, like a lot of my freaking 40 cousins were all kind of the same, like high IQ, good at sports, just like super competitive in every category. And so I'm like pre abuse. I mean, I know I've told you a million times, but I slept maybe three to five hours a night, and that's it. The rest of the time I spent doing stuff. And so it's hard for me when I'm sleeping like 12 hours a day right now. Yeah, which is hard still.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To get used to that version of you, the healing version of you.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's an identity crisis still. It's it's like I'm so much better than I was seven years ago. Like I'm so much better than I was a year ago. But it's still an identity crisis of like, oh, the new me is tired.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I understand. And there is something called post-traumatic growth that I think is one of the most hopeful parts of coming out of a traumatic process, which is that we do, we do receive gifts on the other side of healing from a trauma, and those will be yours to claim as well. I mean, you probably already have a bunch of them, but it's things like deeper meaning in our lives. It's increased compassion and empathy for others. A lot of people experience greater directionality. Like my life has a purpose. I give back in a certain way. Um, there's also greater resilience. People value their relationships, they value different things that matter more when they come out of an experience like this.
SPEAKER_04That's a gift of the drama, is now I only find healing. I mean, when I help others, I find healing. And then I just feel skilled. I just feel really strong and I feel really skilled. I love that.
SPEAKER_01Here is Diana from episode four. You might remember that Diana came to the podcast because she wasn't showing up in her professional life the way she wanted to be. She's a writer and a creative, and she was experiencing resistance. So dragging her feet on her deadlines, not giving her best effort. She knew she was capable of more. And she suspected that there was a connection to her experience in her home life. To be specific, she suspected that her romantic relationship and relationship with her son were feeling so good that she actually felt less motivated to show up at work. So in our conversation, we explored her past pattern of using work to escape and how that might need to change. And we identified that discomfort is not the same as lack of safety and that learning to tolerate discomfort can truly set us free. So let's see where she is now. Here is Diana from episode four.
SPEAKER_02I can't believe it's already almost been a year. So much has happened in that year. Um, at the top, I was starting a new cohabitation experience with my partner. The two of us have each gone through really, really challenging experiences, respectively. But the home remained the sanctuary. The relationship remained the sanctuary amidst challenges, which was a huge part of what was such a new experience for me. I really didn't realize how much of my motivation for my career was about getting away from something. I wasn't moving toward necessarily a like wanted. I was trying to get away from something and realizing, like, wow, this makes a lot of sense. Oh wow, this is why even when I would have success, I didn't feel the relief I was looking for. I didn't feel the sense of peace that came with the manifestation of something. So then it became a, you know, meditation on what is success? What does that mean to me? And it really that turned into it really is like, can I remain in this sense of peace that I feel at home, regardless of the weather of life? Wow. So when career stuff started to pick back up again, I was like, oh, okay, yeah, I can feel um this sort of like, well, I don't want to do this. I want to just, you know, linger in my the good feelings of just this normal kind of day that I'm having or whatever, juriate in the domestic kind of bliss. Um, understanding, like, oh, okay, yeah, I can feel this way, I can feel this resistance, and it can just be along for the ride while I'm doing whatever it is that I'm needing to do. And that was huge. It's huge. What allowed that to become less uncomfortable? I think because I wasn't dealing with discomfort and tension and conflict in my relationship, I was experiencing more ease. So to have a little bit of discomfort when I'm sitting down to do my work or I'm having to face a, you know, a challenge, or I'm getting ready to go in and get, you know, feedback on a draft or something. I had the, again, capacity to be with that discomfort without feeling like I'm already full, like my resistance is at its limit and I can't take anymore. That was kind of how I learned to work with it. Because it's not just about feeling good all the time. No. You know, that's not real. But I think you can have the challenge and you can, I, I, for one, could feel that resistance and discomfort of sitting down and doing the thing. Um, and keeping the creative commitment to myself and feeling all of those ways where I was like, oh, like I just why doesn't this feel it doesn't feel natural? It feels like everything I'm doing, this is good. None of this writing is this or whatever. It sucks. You know, all the things that come up for me whenever I would sit down to create. But I was able to, the part of me that could be objective and look at it and be like, this is just a feeling for today. Let's do the work. And then at the end, we'll be able to go have a glass of wine, we'll get a snack. That part of me wasn't exhausted. The more that I've that I've put into place these things where I'm like, oh, okay, I really am prioritizing my piece before I prioritize career. That was a big time shift for me. Wow. Oh my gosh. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Can I give you neuroscience language for a bunch of things you just said? I think it might be helpful to anchor it in. Yeah. Have you heard of the term allostatic load? No.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_01Allostatic load is the overall load of stress on your body and your mind-body system. Oof. So it's another way of thinking of the resilient zone. So we all have a resilient zone within which we feel like we can meet the challenges of life. And then we can get bumped out of our resilient zone when the allostatic load gets too high. When we get bumped out, we bump high or low. Bumping out high is anxiety, insomnia, anger, panic, bump out low is fatigue, disconnection, dissociation, isolation, depression. When the allostatic load in our life is really high, we don't have that much more capacity to do more uncomfortable things before we bump out. Yes? Yes. So what you're describing is your allostatic load was so high when there was stress at work and at home that you didn't have that extra nervous system capacity to also overcome the discomfort of creativity. It was just too much. 100%. 100%. And what you found is that, right, it's like having the support at home and that piece. It's like you could imagine it as like a river that's big, the banks got wider, right? And now more can flow through. Absolutely. Or you could imagine as a barrel that was really full and you just drained a bunch of the stress out of the barrel. And now you have all this extra room that you can fill up to overcome resistance.
SPEAKER_02100% having those kinds of um just imagery for an experience is so helpful because it gives me an ability to contextualize whatever it is I'm experiencing, if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_03Good. Yes.
SPEAKER_02And it's also, I think one of the learnings too, I was realizing that I was having as you were sharing was that creativity is uncomfortable. Yes. The creative process is uncomfortable. It requires discomfort. Yes. So I think for a long time it was like I would go to my creativity almost to cope. Instead of it being this more kind of adult orientation where it's like, no, this is actually in order to create the thing I want to create, find myself in these different ways, I have to show up when I don't want to.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02And so I really see like, oh wow, no wonder I was having such a difficult time. It wasn't like, oh, I've lost my creativity or I've lost my maybe I wasn't ever talented, you know, all the stories you tell yourself when it's really hard, right? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. So that's really that puts like that puts it another piece of it into wild perspective for me, too. I'm so glad. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because that is so right on. You sound less activated. I can feel that um your whole system is feeling more spacious. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02I had to let go of this really intense hold I had that things needed to be a certain way for me to succeed or receive. I had to really let an old ego story die. And that ego story is I always have to do it alone. Like nothing works out for me ever.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It was really time to let that go and the release of those stories and really saying I'm ready to sacrifice this for the version of life I want to experience. Um, was probably some of like the gnarliest work I've done, maybe a like 12-step recovery. Where it's like, who even who am I without that?
SPEAKER_01So cool. You sound fantastic. Well, and can to ground it, just to ground it in results. What does it look like right now? What are you working on? What does it feel like in career now that you've surrendered the story of it never works out for me and I'm always alone?
SPEAKER_02Um, what it looks like is I have way more fun in the process. And I'm working right now on um a project that is like 1930s Shanghai. It is about a courtesan, it is about like political and corporate corruption. It's a beautiful story and it's a love story. It's also going to become an animated vertical drama, which is all the rage right now in our industry. Um, but it's going to primarily be supported by an AI-powered animation studio, which is a completely, you know, this is a very controversial area for everybody. Um, and I think in the past, the version of me that was like, it needs to be a certain way and look a certain way and go a certain way, I would not have been as open to a project like this. I would tell myself a story about it. And instead, I feel that I'm not only am I working creatively on something that I'm really excited about in all the ways I've always wanted to feel about a project. Um and I'm just really seeing like the universe wants us to be the greatest possible version of ourselves. It wants us to show up and give our gift. Yes. It wants us to do that. And it is going to create those pathways for us, but they those pathways might not be what we think we need 100%, you know. And that was all of it has been huge for that. I don't think that I really understood prior to this experience, like just how much of creating a successful life is so much more an internal process than it is an experience of external shifts. I really do have on paper a lot of the things that I was really hoping to have at the end of last year, you know, but the internal process of it is so ongoing. Um and I'm like, okay, got it. Creative success, career success is not about, oh, I reached this checkpoint and now I don't have my problems anymore. Correct. Or I'm always joyful, or my work always feels amazing. Yes.
SPEAKER_01I'm really starting to see, like, oh no, that's not in your own words, then what is it if it's not that? It is um honestly a just a greater sense of meaning every day.
SPEAKER_02An experience of meaning, an experience of how much am I enjoying what I have right now? Yes. Am I soaking it up for all that it's worth? Because if I'm not receiving what I have in this moment, I'm not gonna receive any more.
SPEAKER_01100%. And last but certainly not least, we have Emma from episode five. Emma is a screenwriter, and the question she brought to the podcast was why can't I make money in my chosen vocation? I make money as a bartender, I make money in all these other ways. How can I finally start making money through my art? Um, we had an extensive conversation about networking, about being bolder in her asks. We talked about her family history with money. We talked about the idea of advocating for yourself even when it's uncomfortable. And Emma has a ton to report, so I'm going to let her take in from here.
SPEAKER_03Well, I was I was re-relistening to my episode um shortly before this to kind of remind myself exactly where I was when we first spoke. Um and what's interesting to me, I I don't have like a huge leap to report. However, I am feeling a little better about everything. And part of that, I think, is I've sort of since we last spoke, um, been focusing more and more on the types of writing that are fulfilling me and exciting me internally, regardless of any any money attachment to it. Um and then, you know, and it's not lost on me that the stuff that I'm now writing is much better than anything I've tried to write that I think is gonna be commercially viable or something like that.
SPEAKER_01That's actually really big. That's really huge. Yeah. Will you just say more about that? Because I think most creatives try to get to this point, and it's actually very cool that that has happened since we last spoke. What helped you shift?
SPEAKER_03Uh well, it's interesting. It's like at the beginning of like my writing journey, I only wrote stuff I was passionate about. I was like, really, everything I wrote was like, you know, not very I wasn't thinking very much about like structure or my career or what would be smarter. I was literally just like so, you know, driven by my inspiration. Then I kind of kind of pivoted after my first movie was made. I I talked about it briefly and like I had a indie movie made that went to slam dance, and that was definitely definitely a passion project. And then I kind of like pivoted out of it a bit. Um not really quite noticing I was doing that, I think, to try to be more like career-driven, you know, or like and it hasn't served me, I don't think. At least that that mindset when it comes to the writing part of it. I understand I still need to incorporate some of that stuff, you know, after the writing is completed. Um but I need to not I think I need to not bring that in before I start the writing.
SPEAKER_01That's such a huge awareness. And you said that what you're noticing is actually the writing is better since you let go of that strategic mind.
SPEAKER_03Completely. Like I more creative, it's more interesting. So I've been really enjoying that. I will also say, I I know we talked, I was listening in the previous episode. Um, we talked a little bit about me kind of reaching out to my own network or like reaching out for opportunities that I want, sort of putting myself out there more. I have, and I have, and it hasn't necessarily like come to any major fruition yet. But I have I have a couple of times made some very uncomfortable it uh outreaches that I think you might be proud of me for. Yes, tell us about it. Well, one was just like I've seen a couple of in the trades, like deadline or whatever, like some announcements for certain projects that were like in development or just just got greenlit to start developing that have been really that I that I've seen them been like I should be working on that. Or like I've this is something I would love to work on. I'd love to be an assistant in this writer's room. I'd love to be part of this in any way. And then I've uh I briefly talked about my basketball coach in our previous episode who had hired me for some things. So he's now become my manager. He started a management business. Oh, but that's great. Yeah, so that's a big shift, I guess. I yes. Um, and so I, you know, reached out to him and I like kind of asked him to directly contact people involved in these projects for me. That's amazing. And look, one of them replied, and there may be a great future if it all works out. I mean, who you know, who knows? But the other two did not, and that's okay, but but I feel good enough. That's normal. Yeah, yeah. I I mean one of the projects is like, it's such a huge project with like huge people on bottom. But I was like, you know what? I don't care if it's kind of embarrassing. I'm just gonna see if they would like me to be involved.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of you. And I think it's such a big deal when we get to that place where we're like, I actually don't need to protect my ego anymore. I want this more than I want to feel cool. Like I want this more than I want to feel protected. Yeah. I'm just gonna ask. Yeah. And I'm gonna allow that rejection potentially to come in, you know?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And and like one of the one of the people is someone who's like sort of, you know, not in my friend network, but like, you know, kind of on the outskirts of my friend network. So I have these waves of mortification that come through a little bit where I'm like, oh good God, what if she recognizes my name and she's gonna think I'm, you know, whatever, you know, and then tell our friends. And but that was like at the end of the day, I don't first of all, I think she's quite a nice person. I don't think she's gonna do that. But also, but even if she did, it's like, what's she gonna tell them? I reached out and said, This project sounds great, would love to be involved. Like, that's it's not embarrassing. It's okay, you know.
SPEAKER_01Oh my God, I'm so glad you got there. I was waiting for my moment to jump in and give you that coaching. And I and I love that you got there yourself. It's like, let's be really real. Like, what actually did I do here? I sent a very respectful, supportive email. Putting myself forward to like be a part of this. Somebody's really gonna be like, ew, wow, gross. She can't be friends with us anymore. It's like, if that person had that reaction, that would be so strange. And people aren't so naive. They know that as they experience success, people are gonna want to be a part of it. You know what I mean? Can you trust her that she can deal?
SPEAKER_03Yes. And yeah, and it's like, I think that is like that is the big lesson is it's like, I am more embarrassed in myself than anyone is spending any time thinking about me. That's not the best sentence, but does that make sense?
SPEAKER_01100%. Yeah, my coach Carolyn said it once to me, and I I'll never forget, she was like, Sasha, it hits harder in here than it does out there. I'm having this intense experience in here, but things just don't land out there as intensely as we feel them inside.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, exactly. And I keep trying to remind myself like people are busy, even if my email incites some sort of feeling or response in them, they're gonna move on very quickly, whatever the feeling is, because they are busy. 100%. 100%. I'm the only one ruminating on it, right?
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, that's an awesome update. If our coaching conversation could make you slightly more willing to feel the mortification and still take action as your own self-advocate, then that's actually a huge win because it only takes so many little moments like that over time. Um, I just I really learned this personally from my husband from watching how he operates on his side of the industry, which is um not the creative side, it's the post production side. And the way he will follow up to people that he knows and Be like, hey, just so that you know I'm putting an application in. Like how consistently he's willing to say, hey, I saw this post. Can you put my name in? And if you can't, that's fine. And sometimes he doesn't even have to say that. Sometimes he's just like, I'm applying. And they're like, I got you.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01People get it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01And so watching that that's an option has helped me be like, oh, this is really something all of us have the right to do. We don't ever know which one of those seeds we planted is the one that will open like a really huge opportunity. You made three asks, one of them you heard back on. Um, you might have made three asks, never heard back. And then in two years, that person from that one ask thought of you. Yeah. This really is how it works.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And I think I've experienced enough of that in my life. It's just uh just remembering it.
SPEAKER_01I'm really happy for you.
SPEAKER_03These are amazing. And and just really quickly, like one more thing. I think like I'm getting more specific about, you know, rather than just sort of vaguely being like, I want to be a working screenwriter. I'm like, I want to be in this particular writer's room, or I wanna, I wanna get my script in this particular person's hands. Like I'm getting a little more specific with my goals, which I haven't always been.
SPEAKER_01I think that's also a really great sign because then it's easier to make those asks.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01As opposed to just like, help me, I'm out here and I don't even know where to go.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I had I was talking to a friend who rides a motorcycle and she was talking about how, like, you know, when they teach you to ride a motorcycle, it's like you have to look exactly where you're going because your body will follow you. So if you look down, you'll tip over. And um, and so she was telling me, she's like, like, if I set my GPS to go to the gas station, I'm gonna get there faster than if I just go for a ride and hope I hit a gas station, which I will eventually hit, but it'll take longer, right? And I was that that's deep. That metaphor is deep. It hit for me. I was like, I was like, okay, I gotta have a goal.
SPEAKER_01That hits for me on a lot of levels. That hits for me on the like unconscious intention level. The idea that we go where our where we're looking, our body follows our mind in this way that we can't even perceive. And I see that in my clients and in myself too. When we're aiming for something, there are these micro things that our body is willing to do that maybe without that clarity, we wouldn't even see those opportunities. Or that just that's an amazing metaphor.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So I'm trying to try to remember that. Incorporate it. This is amazing. Is there anything else? Uh one of my goals was sort of after our our session and with and that the book that you had recommended me, Overcoming Underearning, too. One of the big things in there was like, don't take work for no money anymore. Like, stop doing free work in your field, which I unfortunately have to admit, I have not done that. However, I've I'm trying to be choosier about it. So I'm nice. So I, for example, I had some close friends come to me and ask if I could help them. They were making a short film and the script wasn't where they wanted it, and they asked me to rewrite it. So I just decided, like, I'll do it, you know, no problem. I really love these people. I like to work with these people. And, you know, the the subject matter was something I could relate to. So I did it. Um, and I ended up really loving that. And then they made this beautiful short film, and they ended up finding a little money after the fact in the budget to pay me. And it's not like a ton of but it was very cool. It was sort of like a it was like a little nod from the powers of the universe that's just like, you know, if you do if you make a choice and to do something that you like and all the everything else feels like in alignment, you know, that element might still come through.
SPEAKER_01Um I love that you didn't miss that because I I would have interpreted that the exact same way. That is sort of a symbol that you're starting to turn the ship around. I created an online video on my Instagram last year or maybe two years ago, about how when we start to make progress, the progress shows up as a whisper before it shows up as a shout. And I think I see clients give up when there's whispers happening a lot, actually. And if you think about the momentum energetically in your life for many years, was like, I'm willing to do whatever. So you imagine like a big cargo ship that has a lot of momentum and inertia going one direction. Those ships take so much time and energy to turn around. And when we start to watch our lives take the turn, it's often little things like that. Where it's like, oh, how funny. I didn't have the courage in that moment to say, I don't work for free anymore, but any payment I'll take. I love this project. Could you give me 200 bucks? Like, you know, anything, right? But even though you didn't do that in the moment, life knows that you've been working at this. Yeah. And there was sort of this little like, oh, Emma, here it is. And you're like, oh, look at that reimbursement coming back around. If you keep going with the work inside and outside, those will get louder and louder and louder. Cool. And often, yeah. Often I see people quit too soon because it is so vulnerable to grow and to change. And we want the shout. We want the big result. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. It's easier to see, see the progress is happening when it happens all at once, but it's not often that that's the case, right?
SPEAKER_06Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah. So that was pretty exciting. This is a lot. I know. I guess it's a lot. I have one more thing, I guess, if if you've got the time. We want to hear. Yeah. Um, what the people hear. Um so the old uh the my old mentor, the screenwriter that I I I think I mentioned him. Um, he and his his his ex-writing partner, they're they kind of teamed back up. And the two of them are both Oscar winners. Um, and they teamed up to write recently like an uh an outline for a new movie. Um, but neither of them has the time or to to work on it to actually write the movie. Um, so they reached out to me to do it. Um excuse me. This is the last win that you're sharing. It's very exciting. I know, and I keep having to remind myself if you would if you'd told my like 12-year-old self that these would be asking me to be involved in their project, I'd be like, wow, I've made it. Made it? No, literally. But it I think what's I'm trying to like sit in that and be like, this is a big deal. It's an incredible opportunity, but it is the financial aspect of it, isn't it? I'm being I'm being given this opportunity, and we will be splitting anything that it makes if it's made. It is, it is a potential opportunity in the way that it is a potential opportunity for them, you know, as well. And I feel like an equal partner in it, but it's like it's not it's not a traditional job as one might hope. But kind of what you just said about the whispers is re resonating with me because I'm like, this feels kind of more in that in that vein.
SPEAKER_01I completely agree. Okay. I wonder if there's a baby step. Like, do you have any formalized producer agreement that you have that you own a third of it? Like, I wonder if you formalized this, even if payment is not on the line yet, if that could be a clue to the universe to be like, even if my compensation is coming on the back end, like I have a piece of paper that supports that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I have it in writing. I don't have like a legal document, but I've got like some really like delineated emails. I feel I feel confident in the Great. I feel confident in the in the arrangements. Great agreement. Great.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So I wonder if you could take that in as the win to be like, Yeah, I have formalized, I have taken a stand for my value and that this is worth money, that this labor is actually worth money.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And if that money is coming down the road, that's great. But I here it is, like everybody's in agreement that this is not just like, oh, go write this. Yes, you're absolutely right.
SPEAKER_03Yes, you're absolutely right. It's not like I'm not being paid, I'm not being paid yet, is like kind of how I could look at that. Um also, it's not lost in me that the power now is in my hands. Like all I have to do is write it to get the money. So it's like that's a love that that's a unique scenario I'm finding myself in. I'm usually like writing it and then hoping someone might read it, but now it's like it's not a given that someone will make this movie, but like those guys can open a lot of doors, and you know, this is it's just a it's a good scenario to be in.
SPEAKER_01So it's a big opportunity. Yeah. Just so that I understand, and once again, there's no wrong answer, because I think people leave coaching sessions and take action in a variety of ways. What actions did you take from our first conversation that you think generated this?
SPEAKER_03I definitely sent like an email to an old c colleague or not a colleague, but um contact that I had worked with asking if he had any writing work. Like I kind of did like one of those, like I think like directly after our session. And I do think I well, I had had another opportunity. I think I alluded to this opportunity in our first talk, but I don't think I had actually had the meeting yet where these producers had asked me to write to adapt this this novella into a feature because I didn't really connect with it on a creative or level or personal level. But I was like, if this is a paying job, like I will do this. Like this is I'll be hired to write this. And I took a meeting with them, and the money that they offered me was very low. And I I think definitely there are times in my life I would have been like, I'll just do it for this because I need some money or it's a job. And I didn't, I told them I was looking for a number more like X, and then Well done. And they were like, We'll get back to you if we can come up with that money.
SPEAKER_01And they have that's great. No, but Emma, that's really great. Because what that means is you're not sinking energy into something that doesn't match the new trajectory that you see your life going into. Because this both wasn't a creative match and it wasn't a financial match. Imagine the amount of energy that's limited in your life that you would have been pouring into something that's not moving the direction that you are committed to. And instead, you were like, no, for me to commit to this, this number has to come up because I don't care enough about the material.
SPEAKER_03And that I think is what was in the back of my mind when this other opportunity came up. I like the story enough. And I'm it sounds fun to write, and I'm I'm excited enough about it that I think it is worth the energy that I'm putting into it. That is something I think that that from our last session, like and from the book you suggested and and some of those good, some of those things has simmered for me. Yes. Also, you had given me the assignment for the ideal scene that in the first session. And I I lost my paper where I wrote down all those things. But um I think it's kind of similar to having a specific goal, like I was talking about. It's and I think that has kind of influenced my thinking quite a bit as well.
SPEAKER_01That's the motorcycle analogy. It's the motorcycle. An ideal scene is suddenly our eyes are on the horizon in a different place, and then our body follows. And that's oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01You did amazing. This is what it looks like to start changing and meeting our goals. It's often a lot less dramatic than we think. And I um one of the tools that I learned from coaching that I never did before I was coached is inventory for this reason. These kinds of check-ins. When people work with me, we do halfway through the package check-ins, end of the package recap. It's not until we slow down and really look at what's happening that we often realize we even are going in a new direction.
SPEAKER_03I'm glad you said that because actually when you first reached out for me to do this follow-up, I was, I was like, God, I don't even know what I'm gonna have to say. It doesn't feel like my life's that different. But now that we're actually sitting here and talking, I'm like, oh, some things have changed. Yeah, like some things are moving in a different direction. But I I didn't quite notice it actually until today.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you came back.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I mean because you deserve that.
SPEAKER_01You deserve to take that in. And often it's when we take in what is changing that we then can build on it and go even further. So I'm so glad you said yes.
SPEAKER_03Yes. Well, thank you so much for everything.
SPEAKER_01If you want to be a guest on the pod and to receive your own guidance that might help or just might change everything, email me at hello at sashaalexander.com. That's Sasha Spelled S A S C H A. I'll see you next time on This Might Help.