24. Is This Mine? Staying Present With Emotions Without Absorbing (or Fixing) Them

In this episode, I invite you to slow down and create space between an emotional wave and the unconscious urge to fix it — in yourself or in someone else.

So much of our suffering doesn’t come from feeling, but from what we do next. From trying to manage, explain, control, or bypass emotion instead of allowing it to move.

I share lived experiences from partnership and parenting, and offer a simple but powerful inquiry that has changed how I relate to my emotions and the emotions of the people I love: Is this mine?

Is this mine to move, to witness, to hold, or to release?

I also gently acknowledge that we experience emotion differently — including emotionally defined and undefined experiences in Human Design — without turning emotion into something to fix or solve.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by feeling, unsure what to do with your own emotions, or caught in patterns of fixing or carrying what isn’t yours, this episode is an invitation back to space, clarity, and embodied trust.

✨ Companion Practice✨ 

If this inquiry resonates, I’ve created a companion practice — Is This Mine? — for the moments when emotion feels urgent and you don’t want to lose yourself in it. 

It’s designed as a simple, repeatable touchstone you can return to — especially in moments when feeling is strong and you want to respond from clarity rather than reflex.

You can get instant access to it here. 

Links & Resources

→ Generate your Free Human Design Chart
https://www.juliebydesign.com/free-human-design-chart

→ Understand & Embody Your Unique Energy for Lasting Alignment
https://www.juliebydesign.com/embodied-orientations

→ Book a 1:1 Human Design Reading with me
https://www.juliebydesign.com/ignite-humandesignreading

Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/justin-lee/wanderlust. License code: IW32DDNZ8FH40VWO

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to Designed for More, a podcast about what it means to live in alignment with who you really are. I'm Julie, former CEO Turned Human Design Guide and Soul-led Enpreneur. Here we explore the journey of remembering your true nature and creating a life that feels deeply good from the inside out. Because you were never meant to settle. You were designed for more. Hi everyone, welcome back to Designed for More. This episode is about emotion, but maybe not in the way that we usually talk about it. So it's not going to be about managing your emotions or regulating them, and importantly, not about understanding them. It's more about creating just enough space between an emotional experience, whether that's yours or someone else's, and the unconscious impulse that we all share to fix it. Because so much of our suffering doesn't come from feeling, even if feeling can be very, maybe even incredibly uncomfortable at times, but a lot of the actual suffering comes from what we do next. What I've learned again and again and again is that one simple question can interrupt that pattern in a profound way. And that question is, is this mine? And sometimes there are follow-up questions that matter just as much. Like, okay, well, is this mine to move? Is it mine to witness? Is it mine to hold, to release? Is it mine simply to love? Or am I trying to fix something that doesn't actually need fixing? This episode is intended to be an invitation into a different relationship with emotion, one that has brought me more peace, more intimacy, and honesty into my life than almost anything else I've practiced. Because something I've noticed both in my own life and in my work with others is how quickly we move when emotion shows up. There's oftentimes almost no pause. An emotion arises like sadness, frustration, anxiety, grief, anger. And before we even realize it, we're already doing something about it. We explain it, justify it, analyze it, suppress it, or discharge it sideways. We try to resolve it, we try to make it go away. And that happens with good intentions because we don't want to be uncomfortable, we don't want to suffer. We also don't want others to be uncomfortable or suffer. We want harmony, we want relief. But what if the rush to fix is actually the thing that keeps us stuck? What if the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and for each other is to create space instead of solutions? I'll bring human design into this gently because it gives language to something many of us already feel. In human design, there's a distinction between people who are emotionally defined and those who are emotionally undefined. I'm not going to go into a deep teaching of this here. I'll do that elsewhere, probably in writing, and I'll probably link it somehow after I've recorded this. But for now, I just want to simply name that these are different lived experiences of emotion. And actually, for me, it's like as I continue really to study human design, it is wild to me to remember how differently we can experience life. And one of the places I find that it's most wildly, deeply felt is in the solar plexus, is whether or not we are defined. Some people experience emotions as an internal wave, something that rises, moves, falls, and passes through overtime. These are people with defined solar plexus who are what we call emotional beings. Others experience emotion more through their environment and relationships. They pick up, absorb, and amplify or reflect the emotional energy that's around them. These are undefined solar plexus. Neither is better, neither is wrong, but when we don't understand this difference, when we don't have language for it, a lot of unconscious dynamics form. And those dynamics are where so much misunderstanding, loneliness, and emotional exhaustion live. For example, I'm emotionally defined. And for most of my life, I didn't actually know how unexpressed I was emotionally, which might sound strange because I felt a lot. But feeling and expressing aren't the same thing. I spent years trying to understand my emotions, where they came from, what caused them, how to stabilize them. I was convinced in certain seasons that if I had the perfect morning routine, uh I tried different mindset work, basically trying different ways to control my environment so that I wouldn't tip. I was convinced that I could control it, so that I could wake up feeling neutral and more stable. But underneath all of that, there was this quiet belief that if I could just do things right, I'd finally be more even, more reasonable, less intense. But what I didn't realize at the time is that I am not designed to be stable emotionally. I'm not designed to feel neutral most of the time. And so what I also didn't realize is how lonely I was. Because when you're always managing your emotions internally, trying to make sense of them, trying to clean them up, you're actually not letting yourself be seen. And that kind of loneliness doesn't always announce itself clearly. For me, it showed up as a constant low-level tension, a sense that something wasn't fully landing in my relationships, a longing for a kind of intimacy that I didn't understand, that I hadn't experienced, that I couldn't name. I wasn't even sure how to ask for what I felt was missing. I kind of felt like I was loved, but not fully met, not fully seen. I've been with my partner, Jesper, for 25 years next month. And he is deeply loving and supportive and present, but he's not emotionally defined. So when my emotional waves would move through, we were often doing this dance around something neither of us fully understood. I didn't know how to feel my emotions without trying to make sense of them or getting to the point where they would just literally take me out. And he didn't know how to be with my emotions without feeling like it was his responsibility to fix them. So when I was quiet or heavy, yeah, he'd feel it. He'd absorb and amplify that with his undefined solar plexus. He'd sense the shift, and because he loves me, his instinct was to help, to suggest something, to offer advice, to lighten the mood, to move us forward. And if that wasn't working, then to walk on eggshells around me, or maybe even kind of just choose a different room to be in. And from his side, that made sense. But from my side, something subtle was happening. Each time my emotions were met with fixing or avoidance or distraction, I felt, without having the language for it, that they weren't welcome as they were, that I needed to be different for the connection to stay intact. And that mirrored a lot of my childhood experience as well, that my emotions were too much for people to handle. So sometimes I'd suppress them, sometimes I'd intellectualize them, and most times I'd store them. But the thing about emotional waves, especially the kind that I experience, which are very much an experience of buildup and release, is that when they're not felt and expressed with integrity, they don't disappear, my friends. They wait. So eventually the release comes anyway, and it would come out sideways, not in integrity. I'd snap over something small, I'd unload weeks of unspoken feelings in one burst. And yeah, for a moment in my body, there was great relief because something finally moved. So I'd be like, okay, great conversation. See you later. But then inevitably there was also guilt. And because the feelings weren't felt, there was residue, a lot of it. And a story quietly reinforced itself. Like, see, you're too much. See, emotions, especially yours, are unstable. Or see, this is why you should manage yourself better. And on his side, it reinforced a different story. Emotions are unpredictable. I need to be careful here. I should tread lightly. I don't know how to fix this. So without meaning to, we were both walking on eggshells, actually, just in different ways. And everything began to shift when I learned something simple but profound. That emotions don't need to be fixed in order to move. They don't need to be understood in order to move. That they can actually quickly move if given space. When I learned that I am designed, I have an incredible capacity to experience emotional energy. And when I began to experiment with it and build up this felt sense of safety in my body to build up that capacity that's always been there. When I stopped trying to understand my emotions, when I stopped trying to control my environment in order to not experience emotions, which was literally impossible. When I stopped shaming myself, when I stopped suppressing, when I stopped holding, and instead I just gave them space. Something softened between us. And I shared this with Jesper, not as a demand or as a rule, but as an invitation that what I needed wasn't fixing, it was witnessing, it was being loved and held. And what happened next honestly surprised both of us. When he stopped trying to solve my emotions and simply stayed present with them, with me, listening, holding me, whether that was energetically or physically, asking questions I could respond to because I'm a generator. Then my emotions moved more cleanly. They didn't escalate, they didn't linger as long. And the juiciest part really was that the intimacy between us deepened in a way that had never been present before, even after all this time. Because I wasn't asking him to carry my emotions. I wasn't making him responsible for them. I was allowing him to witness them. I was allowing him to witness me in the rawness of me, in the aliveness of me, in all of the versions of me, not just the bubbly, optimistic, um, alive in terms of like high vibe, spiritual, good mood, Julie, which many generators, especially women, can be conditioned into being as little girls when we start to realize, without having again the language for it, that we can literally affect the energy of a room. We have enveloping auras, people who are always generating something. We cannot fake it till we make it. People know what's going on in our aura. But when we can show up as any part of ourselves in any moment with any energy, that kind of being seen, that kind of witnessing, that kind of intimacy is everything. And for me, having the channel of mating, which is the energy that is here for deep intimacy that helps to create the conditions for intimacy, but also longs for it, needs it. And it is so juicy, it is so profound to meet my inner world so that I could be anywhere in this world. I could be adventuring to new countries, having new experiences, or I could be right here, homebound with my three kids, living in my little village, and have the most interesting experience because my internal world is never dull. It is so full and so alive. And to meet myself there and then to open to allow other people to meet me and to witness me and to love me through that, in that, as it's happening, is such a gift. And so this is why I'm sharing because I want that gift for you too. And it hasn't only shown up in my marriage, it has shown up in all of my relationships, including, for example, in parenting. One of our children is also emotionally defined, and her emotional waves can be intense for her and for those around her, especially those with open solar plexuses. I don't know how to say that, but let's go with that. Her emotional waves can take up space, they can be loud, they can be overwhelming, especially for someone who feels emotions through amplification, who's absorbing and amplifying that big emotional energy. So for a long time, those moments would trigger a lot of reactivity and then guilt, kind of like I experienced, but this time for my husband. There was this unspoken sense of I should be able to handle this better, I should be staying more calm, I should fix this. But what he's learned, what we've learned slowly and imperfectly, is that sometimes the most regulating thing isn't intervention, it's presence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is step away briefly to regulate yourself in a way that shows the child that you're not taking love away, that there's nothing wrong with them, that you simply need a moment to come back, to come back fuller and more present and more able to be there for them at your most loving self. And then do that. Come back, not to correct or to lecture, but to hold. And not only to our children, but to this world. And in this state, again, the emotion passes. Not because it was suppressed or distracted, but because it was allowed. And this is where the question of is this mine has become so powerful in our lives, in our family, because it interrupts the automatic loop. So instead of I feel something, whether it's mine or someone else's, and then it goes to, okay, now I must do something about it. We can introduce and invite a pause. Is this mine? And if it is mine, what does it actually need? Does it need to be moved? Does it need to be felt quietly? Does it need to be shared? Does it need rest? And if it's not mine, if I have an open solar plexus and I'm absorbing and amplifying someone else's emotional wave, or if I'm a defined solar plexus and I know that someone else is having an experience that I can observe and depending on my circuitry, also feel, and that creates and discomfort in me because maybe my sense of safety is tied to the stability of another. And so I go into automatic responses of correction and fixing, and that is not mine. Then some questions that can be supportive are is it mine to hold compassionately without absorbing? Is it mine to witness without fixing? Is it mine simply to love? Or is it mine to trust, to trust the capacity of my loved one, of my person, and to step away lovingly and allow them to move through their process gracefully, knowing that I'm here if they need me or want me. This question does not disconnect you. It creates clarity. Creating space does not mean withdrawing love. It doesn't mean that you're becoming cold or detached or that you're doing a bad job, that you're selfish. It's the greatest gift. It means staying present without into responsibility because the energy of should or responsibility is not supportive in most cases. And this is especially important for people who identify as helpers, healers, parents, partners. Yes, people who care deeply, but just because you can feel something does not mean it's yours to carry. Just because you can sense emotion does not mean that you're responsible for resolving it or that you even can. And just because something is uncomfortable does not mean it's wrong. And this is so especially important for those who are emotionally undefined. Because, yes, your default mode is neutrality, and if you're feeling the emotional wave of someone else that didn't build up in your body, that can feel wrong and that it doesn't belong because it doesn't. Whereas in the body of the emotionally defined person, that wave has been building. Their body is ready for it. They are designed to hold it and to move through it and for it to bring them some nugget, some wisdom related to a decision, or uh simply the enjoyment of alchemizing the emotion into neutrality, to share it, um, to be in coherence with it so that it gives someone else permission to be coherent with their feelings, simply to enjoy the juiciness of it. There's no responsibility in it. However, they choose to be in relationship with that emotion. So just because it's crazy. Crunchy and uncomfortable, it's not wrong. And they have the capacity to be in it. And if they so choose, they can simply be witnessed and it loved and it held in it. One of the biggest lies that many of us carry is that if we don't fix emotion, something bad will happen. The feeling will get worse, I'll spiral, it will damage the relationship, I'll get punished in some way. And I get it, I am it. But also in my more newer experiences, I can say for sure, with certainty, we know the feeling of truth in our body. So if this feels like truth in your body, hold it as truth for you. The opposite is often true. When emotions are met with space, they move. They are energy in motion. Let them be in motion. Whereas when they're met with fixing, well, they get stuck. And as we build our capacity to feel, and I mean really feel without rushing to understand it or do something about it, then something else builds to something so important. Safety. Safety in our bodies, safety in our relationships, and safety in the truth that emotions are temporary. If we feel them, if we give them space, they come, they move, and they pass. If you're emotionally defined and listening to this, I really want you to hear this clearly. You don't need to understand your emotions in order to honor them. You don't need to justify them. You don't need to explain their cause. And you certainly don't need to control them to be worthy of love. Your real work is to feel them with integrity, not to carry them for others or to suppress them for their comfort. You are enough and worthy and beautiful as you are. Your emotions are a gift. And if you're emotionally undefined, I also want you to hear this. Your sensitivity is not a flaw. Your ability to sense emotion is a gift. But that gift is meant to support clarity, not conditioning. So you don't need to absorb emotion to be helpful. You don't need to fix emotion to be loving. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, your greatest contribution is simply staying regulated yourself. So if you take one thing from this episode, please let it be this. The next time emotion shows up, whether it's yours or someone else's, please pause. And if it's helpful, ask this question. Is this mine? Is this mine? Is it though? Really? Is it mine? And then let the answer guide you. Not into action, but into space. Because space is where emotions move, it's where intimacy deepens and it's where truth can live and breathe. And nothing, nothing, nothing needs to be forced for that to happen. And if you're feeling this, if something in you is recognizing how quickly you move to fix or carry or take responsibility for what you're feeling, I created a practice for this exact moment. It's called, is this mine? And it's a guided space you can drop into when emotion is present so that you can actually feel the difference between what's yours and what isn't. Not later, not when you figured it out, but in the right moment that it's happening. I'll link it for you in the show notes if you want to go there. So let's take a breath together. Let's create space together. Inhaling through the nose. You, my love, are enough. Thanks for listening to Designed for More. If you felt sparked or seen in today's episode, I'd love for you to leave a review, share it with a friend, or come find me on Instagram at Julie by Design. And remember, your clarity is sacred and your joy is a signal. You are designed for more.