Episode 32: Peer Groups for Dads – Guiding Who Influences Your Teen

Episode 32: Peer Groups for Dads – Guiding Who Influences Your Teen

At some point, things start to shift.

Your kid still listens… but not the same way. Your voice is still there… but it’s no longer the only one.

Friends start to matter more. Peer groups start to shape what’s normal. What’s acceptable. What’s worth risking.

So the question becomes:

Who is influencing your child when you’re not around?

In this episode of The Dad Edit, we unpack one of the most powerful forces in a child’s life peer influence, especially during the teenage years.

Because no matter how strong your relationship is at home, the people your kids spend time with will either reinforce what you’ve taught… or slowly pull them away from it.

This isn’t about control. 

It’s about awareness.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey guys, before we jump in, if this podcast has ever helped you think more clearly, respond more calmly, or feel less alone in the quiet parts of fatherhood, hit that follow on Spotify and an Apple. Leave a review if these conversations have helped sharpen you, not just comfort you. If you're watching on YouTube, like, comment, and subscribe. And if you're in a dad in the London, Ontario area, we host a monthly dad walk where fathers get together. We walk, we talk, we connect. There's no pressure, no speeches, just real conversations. Watch our Instagram at the dad edit podcast for updates on the next dad walk. All right, boys, let's get into it. The dad edit episode 32. Peer groups for dads, guiding who influences your team. At some point in the teenage years, your influence as a father starts to share space with something else. Friends. Peer groups begin to shape in how your kids think, how they act, what they believe is normal, what risks they're willing to take. And I know my friend groups definitely influenced my risks. I kind of walked on that fence of good and bad. I was pretty good to not go into where I could get arrested, but I definitely skirted that line. For many dads, the realization that your kids' friends can now influence them is uncomfortable. Because no matter how strong your relationship is with your child, their friend groups can amplify or undermine the values that you've been teaching at home. In this episode, I want to talk about peer groups and the influence they have on our teenagers. How much control do parents really have over their kids and who they spend time with? What should dads watch for? How do you guide teens without pushing them away? Because when it comes to teenagers, the truth is simple. Who they spend time with the most is who shapes who they become. I know from uh there's a quote about you know, the the show me the five people that you hang around with and I'll show you who you are. Um, and I believe that to be true, you know. I definitely as a as a teen without a father figure in the house, I looked to male friends and and uh influencers in in that space at that time of my life to shake who I was um for good or bad. Why do you guys feel like in our teen years our friends are so influential? Do you think it's tied to your kind of finding your identity? Is it because you know, especially in high school, you people start to fit into pockets of friends? Um what do you think guides how influential your friends are?

SPEAKER_01 3:00

So time of exploration and and figuring out who you are as a person and um a time of change, your body's changing, your environment's changing, everything's changing. So you're adapting, you're trying to find your place in the world. Um for the longest time, you were just you know, under the the um the bubble of the house, and you go to elementary school and you're the you sit down and do your thing, but now you have a little more independence, you have more choice, um the stereot stereotypical genres of of you know the band kid or the the I don't know, the cheerleaders or whatever skaters. Um so you choose your choice, um dabble here, dabble there. Like if you want to do track, track and field, but you also like hanging out with like the skaters, like you can try things here and there.

SPEAKER_02 4:02

That's fair. There's there's a lot of trying those genres. Like, oh shit. I kind of like rock music. Some of the some of these rock kids kids wearing what is the the pink Floyd shirt, that's an italica, and they're heavy kids, and then you you know you swing over to some hip-hop kids and you go into the skaters, the skaters kind of bridge the gap between the two of them. I like that reference of you know, they're they're finding themselves. I think as teens, it becomes so influential because you have some people who are like ingrained in those groups who live fully whatever that culture, that lifestyle is. And if you're a kid who's lost, um, it becomes very influential when you meet someone that has so much influence that you relate to that they're like, and shit, this person went through the same thing I did. They get the same thing out of this music that I do, or this thing, or this activity, or we're on the same team. Um, I could see why that becomes so influential. Uh, you bond so much with those people. Yeah, there is a lot of folks um who in their adult years could still pick up the phone and call their teenage best friends, you know. You know, the kids that they went to high school with, especially I I feel like London is a big city on who you went to school with. Yeah, you know, I think one of the first things you hear from a Londoner is, well, what high school would you go to? Well, I went to Oak Ridge. Oh, you were an Oak Ridge kid. Yeah, I went to Beale, ah, you were a Beale kid. Um you're you're very much associated, not just with the groups you hung out with there, but the the schools that you were with. So it's I can see why that's such an influential time. And like we talked about in the previous episode, you know, they're becoming their old person. Yeah, they're they don't want to be told yes and no, and they go over to uh Chris's house, and and Chris has less rules. Well, why does my mom say this shit? But Chris's parents don't give a fuck. Hang out with Chris all the time. He's like, Yeah, yeah, I got to explore myself a bit more to be who I want to be.

SPEAKER_03 6:05

Um I think at the same time, too, uh, through that transition of finding self, you're still looking for that comfort zone. So you you relate to people that kind of like we said, uh on the same wavelength as you, right? So they might have a free-spirited, they're free-spirited or whatever, they do what they do, but at the same time, you can relate to something that that that that touches what she what you're looking for. Same type of same type of vibe. So sometimes you fall into those pockets of you know, the rough, free-spirited gangster kids, because you can kind of relate it relates to your your your character of who you are, so you you veer closer to that or who you try to creep. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 6:53

Because I know I hung around with tougher kids because I was I was just a boy raised by a single mom who's in you know, I always felt picked on or out of place because I always switched schools. So I definitely hung with kids that were tough and learned to be tough. And you know, these kids are the same kids that were like, I got your back no matter what. I'm telling you. So when you felt like you went to war with kids, you you know, you went fought kids at another school, you're like, I'm bonded. Like, this is my brother here, like yeah, ride or die, whatever he does, I do, whatever I do, he does. No one can fuck with us. And there's there's strengths behind that, there's danger behind us, um, especially if you're not being coached or monitored uh or mentored, I should say. And something to kind of bring back to a previous episode that we talked about recently. Um when you switch, when your household switches to coaching and mentoring for us, I think something that you don't want to do is say, Hey, that kid's a bad kid. Like you shouldn't be around that kid. Jeff's not good for you, you shouldn't be there. You know, my association is with Jeff. Jeff is there when I feel like shit. I can talk to Jeff. Jeff is going through the same thing. You don't understand what Jeff's he's acting out because his his his his his dad beats his ass. Yeah, and you don't get to call him bad, and I'll hang out with if I want to. That you know, this that authority approach to you're not hanging out with him with no rationale, no understanding, you know, you take first leave. You think Jeff's bad, I'm bad. You think I'm bad? I'm gonna go hang out with Jeff because he doesn't think I'm bad. You know what I mean? And we we have this influence why it's so important, like we just spoke about to move into a coaching mentor. Like, hey, what do you see in Jeff? What do you what do you like about Jeff? I want to I want to get to know Jeff more. What what do you see? What why do you like hang? Oh, he's so kind, he he listens to me. He, you know, uh when I have a lunch one day, he gave me his lunch and he didn't have much, but he shared his lunch with me of these little things. Mom and dad see that Jeff's also out fucking shoplifting, stealing shit, but they don't see it's because he doesn't have a fridge full of groceries. But you as the friend do, and he still shared, although he didn't have that. Yeah, as parents, we have to have to mentor, we have to step into coaching, we have to understand the whys.

SPEAKER_03 9:12

You can choose your words wisely too, you know what I'm saying? Like, sorry. You can't just be inside the box, right? At some point, you're gonna have to be disciplined enough to take time and like you said, figure out what do you see in in Jeff or Andy before I just make this large assumption. You know what I'm saying? You you gotta put in the work at that age to um reason with them. I don't think there's such a thing as a bad kid. There's no bad kids. Let's look at the background of it, you know. You know what I'm saying? Let me get to know his his his um his parents on on their values. Maybe he he just lacks structure. And then you could have that conversation with your child, you know? We're gonna take out the bad, but you know, I notice this, this, and this, and this. And I you know the values of how you how we run this house, and those values are not really there. So I'm very sketchy about it, Iana or Azaria or Nikki. So let's have this conversation. Me, the way I approached it, boys, like I'm raising leaders. I'm raising these individuals to to lead in life. So you made that comment the the the the five people that you have in the room. Don't forget that your child is one of those people in the room for someone else. You know what I'm saying? So I would raise them to be leaders. We pour into them like that. Now they're getting at that transestor stage where we're gonna be coaching and mentoring. We're gonna have those conversations of what we poured in and we're gonna analyze everything moving forward, not with just assumptions and what's in front of us, but we're gonna dig deep. We're gonna analyze things, we're gonna have those conversations about who you're choosing to have in your life. And for me, boys, it was more my kids were influential for the people around them. And I'm just being fucking real. You know what I'm saying? So don't forget that your child is still one of those five people that could be influencing blessing, influencing that group. So at hindsight, their that group may be like, oh fuck, like what the hell? But the way I raise my daughters to be, they're not being influenced, they're being the influencers, and it switches up the whole game.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

I mean, that's that that's a I like the way you said that. Thank you. I like that. Um, because I've I get very stuck on not being in the phase right now. I know that I was a lost kid, so I don't think I had I was I had the opportunity to influence in that way. I'm sure I did in my own unique way. Um, but I was definitely seeking so much. But it it's interesting to look at from the other side to you know, raise your kid to maybe they are the positive light in that kid's life. Maybe there's you know, maybe you need some guardrails around how that relationship proceeds. You know, maybe when my kid goes out with Jeff, it's not the greatest because Jeff can be a bad, you know, get into trouble. But if you want to have Jeff over anytime, no problem. If you guys want to hang up, invite Jeff over to have him over for dinner, you know what I mean. Um, but that's where it comes back to that mentoring and coaching. Hell yeah. Rather than saying you're not going to hang out with Jeff ever, you offer what's the compromise here? Why don't you guys come over? You just got an Xbox, like, why don't you play Xbox with Jeff? Have him come over. We'll fucking I'll go buy some what snacks you want.

SPEAKER_03 12:49

You know what I'm saying? And then it becomes a therapeutical thing for Jeff. Every time he comes over, it's like, hey, there's no yelling going on, no one's fucking putting no one down. There's food in the fridge. Uh mom Dukes is like, man, cool. She actually seems to give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're putting Jeff or whoever in that environment, and I couldn't be saving a lifeline too. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 13:12

Yeah, yeah. That's good, man. Yeah, I like that. I I love that that flip. I think it's really good. Jeff, entering this stage with your child approaching high school and Ryan reflecting back on how peer graphs had uh peer groups have impacted your kids. Is there a moment where you guys realized that your kids' friends were starting to influence them? Jeff, we talked before, yeah, and you were saying that you know you noticed even before the teen years.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

Uh like my son had some trouble, like uh in elementary school in the younger years. So he did change schools once. And he he he had didn't, you know, want to sit down and listen to the teacher when he's five, six years old or whatever. Um but when coming of age, um, once he found a a couple really good friends, his small group, once he he found that group, like everything changed, straight A's, um, big plans for the future. Um, these kids were very are very good influences on him. He's very good influence on them. They want to all um include each other on everything. Yeah. And just uh that small group once that that influence of other people really helps as well. Um, they're all going to three different, three different boys going to three different high schools, but they're still they're talking about how that's going to work out and that they're going to have to bring their new friends that they make together with that core group of three. And so they've already got plans to you know stay together because they can recognize these guys build me up, these guys are there for me. These are my brothers. That's the positive side, yeah. And feeling like you belong really belongs. It's clear that it changes your world. Like he's he's uh doing amazing. Like teachers that had him when they were really when he was really young, having some trouble at school, that are still there, watching him graduate this year, tears in their eyes. And it's it's because of how hard he's worked and how far he's come and how proud they are. That's so cool, man.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

That's so do you think that he was you know kind of isolated before, and that's why he was having a hard time. And like you said, now he has like a belonging, some friend group, some positive possibly, yeah. He's influencing others, you know, maybe he's found people that are like-minded and they're sharing has the same ideas that he's getting confirmation that he he has good ideas. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:53

That confidence of like who you are is good and um is uh oh shoot, I don't know the words, but yes, uh I think you know, feeling like you belong um is a massive thing. Not alone, not just being told sit down and do math all day long.

SPEAKER_03 16:14

Yeah, something more than that is it's that friendship and when he has that type of structure of what you poured into him growing up, he knows that that safe haven is there. It gives him even more encouragement to look for that belonging in a positive way. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because if it doesn't work out, I know dad has my fucking back, dad's been there forever. Yeah, or dad and mom's been there. So I'm gonna put my toe in there, see how the w how it goes.

SPEAKER_01 16:40

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 16:41

If it goes well, I'll put my foot in. If not, I can always draw back. Yeah. You know, a big thing I told my daughters is like you guys got each other.

SPEAKER_04 16:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 16:49

You already got your best friend, really, if you really look at it, because your your sister's always gonna look for your best interest, and she's always gonna be there. You know what I'm saying? So don't force anything.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

100%.

SPEAKER_03 17:00

You have your sibling. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Uh nothing has to be forced. Everything could just be experienced.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Experienced. You know what you said, yeah, bro. And you know, going into high school, I mean my fiance, we talk so highly of like how fun we fun high school was for us at least. We had the best truths, and he's just getting excited. Yeah, but because he's absorbing the energy that of us reminiscing about how fun it was. And we're like, oh man, I wish I could do it again. He's like, oh fuck, I can't wait to get in there. Yeah, no, I'm gonna make some friends, I'm gonna join a club. I'm gonna, he's already reaches, he's ready to go buy the uniforms. He's like, uh, have you heard anything about the uniform place? Can we go get that now? Uh so he's pump, he's ready. He's outgrown elementary school with his group of friends, uh, with his peers. That grade eight class has they're ready for high school. And just biologically, they've all come of age and they're ready to do independent, grown-up kid type stuff. You know, four classes. Uh show up to class. If you don't show up, we're coming to get you. But we trust that you're gonna make it to each class on time. Yeah, uh, if you signed up for this club, you better be there because you're gonna let down your your team or your your your I don't know, um, he's interested in the trivia, in love, anything science related. He's looking at badminton like you don't want to let those guys down either. And yeah, and so those social sponsors, yeah, are really good too. Um, and so us just encouraging his exploration of all that is which with the coaching and everything, it's like it's a whole different role now, and it's good though. Yeah, that's cool to me.

SPEAKER_02 18:50

It sounds like the the power of belonging is so important, especially like I know as a teen, I felt like I didn't fit in because I always switched schools in elementary school, so I had that that feeling, and I had you know, then you go into high school and there's clicks in different types of people, and I'm like, oh fuck, where am I gonna fit in? Yeah. Um, once you hit that, I could see why it's so stabilizing for your son, right? I I definitely had uh I had a best friend in in elementary school, and then we went to different schools, then I got introduced to his friend, so I didn't really have friends at Beale. I hung around with his his buddies, and he um, but that creates so much stability, having the right group of friends. I fell into some crowds at Beale, that was a different group of friends, but uh uh you know the core group was was what provided me with stability, which was let me feel like I belonged. Um, do you guys feel like teens follow the group because they want approval or because they're fearing projection? So if the group's deciding to go forward and do something, um do you feel like they want the approval of that group?

SPEAKER_01 20:05

They want to be rejected by them. Part of that's actually is is uh human nature, it's the animal kingdom too. Like, say, like in the world of uh monkeys, for example, like if you're outcasted from that group, then like that could mean not surviving. So I think it goes back to biology of wanting to be accepted into the community. Um I don't know, maybe even back to like you know, set like evolutionary physics.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Yeah, like community equals survival, and that's ingrained in us.

SPEAKER_02 20:39

So if the group goes one way and you don't, well, why the fuck are you here? Like this is what we're all doing.

SPEAKER_03 20:46

So yeah, I get fas I think it's our our duty as as parents, so general fathers, is to instill into them that listen, man. Peer pressure is a real thing. You know what I'm saying? Community is a real you want to belong, but don't lose who you are. I I use that heavy, you know. Like I said, I I I raised my girls to be leaders, so like I stress me, my wife stress is like, yeah, friends are important, but don't lose your core values of who you are and who we raised you to be. And they took that as a uh a badge of honor to the point, boys. Like um, my middle or my youngest child, Azaria. I'll I'll jump into a quick little story there. Like, she had um her friend, I think I may have mentioned this early in the early episodes, but she had a friend uh who was her day one. Like they were friends since grade one, uh maybe JK. And like up until grade, I want to say grade nine. Day one, she'd go out there, sleep over. Um, she'd come over, sleep over. She was like family. Um Her her grandmother raised her, so like her grandmother loves Azaria, only good things to say about her. And like they were inseparable. Them two, ride or die. And then in grade nine, there was a situation where she came over uh with another friend, an outside friend that I didn't know of, but I knew I'll just say her name was uh Chantal. I knew Chantal since she was young, right? But I didn't know this new friend that was being introduced. CSA was cool with the new friend. Okay, it is what it is. They had a sleepover. The uh the new friend influenced Azaria's uh friend Chantel, Chantal, uh to um steal some liquor from our cabinet. So Chantel and her new friend came over into our space and you know Azarya was cool with them coming over, and then they they crossed a line in the sand. Now they crossed that line that Azarya knew that was unforgivable for us, but she also knew for herself a the instinct was hey, what the fuck's going on here? This is not acceptable. This is not right. So they went through the night, they're having their little drinking session. I'm sorry I didn't get involved, you know. Thank God. In the morning, we just saw the signs when they were up. Me and my wife were just like, something's up here. Why are they so sluggish? Whatever, you know, the hangover stage. And then my wife noticed, why is this crown royal look so like light? And I was like, they they poured water into it just to cover it up. Oh, don't worry about it. Your parents were no, let's pour water into it. So all these things are clicking, clicking, clicking. We could have been as parents, boom, what the fuck's going on here? Who the fuck drank this, this, and that? No, we just played our position. We watched, right? Zarya came to us that afternoon while they were recovering and she laid out the whole situation. Like, we didn't pressure her or nothing. That was just in her character because she knew where the line was drawn. So when I tell you it's about what you pour into your kids, I am being dead ass. You know what I'm saying? Nothing was forced. She came to us and told her what was up. I was like, oh wow. We could have blew up the spot after she came to us and be like, hey, Chantel, friend, get the fuck up. Time to go home. Shit's, you know, everything's been unraveled. We know what was up. You know, we just calm. Played a position, drop Chantel off. My wife talked to Chantel's grandmother. Bo, bo, bo, bo. Zayze decided on herself to be like, I need to start distancing myself from Chantel. I'm talking about her fucking day one, bro. But she made that conscious decision for herself to be like, I know what my my parents, I know the rules of the house. You know, I know this friend I have here is part of my core. You know, I love having her around, but I'm gonna make that conscious decision that that line that was crossed is somewhere I'm not gonna allow her to go.

SPEAKER_02 25:03

We can't enable it. It came such a mature thing to do.

SPEAKER_03 25:06

Doug, it came to the point where it was like she gave Chantel the ultimatum. You know my values. If you can't be on that side of the sand, it is what it is. You know, they may communicate a little bit now on on uh Instagram, but that friendship, because she crossed that line. And I'm so proud of my daughter. I didn't have to go and be like, this is the ultimatum. She came into our house, she disrespected our house. This is this is what no, I didn't have to do that. I relied on what I poured into my child, and then she made that leadership decision to be like, oh, this is not something I want in my life. Bro, that was what I was lacking growing up. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? The father figure. My mom tried her best, but she couldn't get to me in that that that aspect. So I went through that wave of, you know, doing them fucked up things. But I'm telling you right now, the listener, it's about the discipline that you have. And when I say discipline, it's not uh physical discipline, just the discipline of having conversations and having those real conversations with your kids and just being there to lay the foundation.

SPEAKER_02 26:09

But that took a lot of self-disciplined because you, like you said, you could have you noticed the liquor bottle, bam, react. Yeah, you could have noticed the liquor bottle, gone up with your wife, you know, wait till they get up, seeing that they were sluggish, bam, reacted. When your daughter came, bam, reacted. Like that took so much self-discipline, and that's the one thing that I know I'm gonna have to actively uh uh uh have to be mindful of is the not instant reaction of like fucking got it, I'm gonna handle this 10-fours, like I am on it. It's it's impressive to be like, okay, let's see how this goes. You know, and and understanding that you know the kid's safe, it's something stupid. Um and the trust in your daughter that like she didn't make this because at the time you found the liquor, you don't know if she was doing it or not. Sackle, and like how to not you know blow steam out your ears and be like, come on downstairs, everyone.

SPEAKER_03 27:10

Yeah, but having to understand too, Andy, of where she's at in her life and what my duty as a father at that point is more of a mentoring, coaching through type of okay, let me observe and see where this goes, than maybe 10 years or even five years earlier, where it's the disciplinary man in the house, you fucking got caught doing this, this is the reaction, this is the consequence. No, I'm at a different stage in my life with my daughter. You have to, you have to use different tools and you have to mentor more and coach them through things and to the point where I didn't have to really coach her through that situation. She just the result of being consistent in the way we chose to raise our child, the benefits came out through there.

SPEAKER_02 28:03

That's so cool. I mean, there's there's so much to that that is awesome. Like it shows amazing parenting and an incredibly level-headed daughter. Yeah. Awesome, dude.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

Like, um, for example, right now, like Andy, you have the opportunity because you and your partner are such great people, and your son's growing up in a really loving good spot. You're setting that baseline standard that he won't accept anything less than what you guys have raised him in is such a good, good thing, that um great spot where you're right now, and he's just gonna grow and he won't accept less than what you guys have raised him in, because that's his standard, that's his value, that's his baseline, just like what you've done over there with your daughters. Like, we're not gonna accept anything less than this high standard.

SPEAKER_03 28:59

Protect the legacy girls. Yep.

SPEAKER_02 29:00

And I think that's that's you know, the I don't want to knock anyone that doesn't have a two-parent household. No, because it's it's tough, man. Um I want to lean into that as heavily as I can because we have the opportunity to set such a high standard for self. It's tough, man. I growing up with a single parent, I turned out amazing. My mom did a great job, but a lot of that standard was much harder for her to set because she had to work so much because she was whatever job she she could get, she took, right? And it's I think that that's um of major blessing and opportunity that we have a two-parent household to set the standard like that. But fuck, dude, you've got two beautiful kids, and you were for the you know, a majority, I would say, doing the co-parenting thing. You've raised incredible kids. Thank you, right? Your your son's well spoken, he's ambitious, your daughter's just a bright light. Um it's oppressive.

SPEAKER_01 30:03

That's real oppressive. It's a it's a juggling act having more and more people involved, but it's also like now if now you've got four parents. There's four people that want the best for these kids. And and that's four versus two. That's better odds at at uh keeping them in a numbers better in your game. And and maybe if if this house versus that house doesn't agree on some we we're all kind, we're all we all want the best, and we're all doing our best, and um we will team up to tackle an issue together if it does come up, you know.

SPEAKER_03 30:41

Um what I get from that though, it's really important household of both parents or household of co-parenting, is that the parents, not the child, the parents have to be on the same page. That might look like one parent having to humble themselves a little bit, just so you both can be on that greater picture of we're doing this. You might not like it the way, but we gotta do this together because the end result is what we brought into this world.

SPEAKER_02 31:13

And they amount to the most. Like you, I'm sure you could attest to even when you know you're in massive disagreement with you know your partner, it ain't about you two. Stop keeping score about yes, she's right, I'm right, this, that, the other thing. Y'all both need to look at what is the best decision for the kid. Yep. If that means you've got a compromise here, that'll come back. If you're keeping score, compromise, be the bigger, bigger person. Yeah, um, you know, the not something that I've had to experience, but I grew up experiencing kind of is the that shared parenthood, that that that co-parent um side of things. There has to be conquest. If it's just constant fighting, that's what your kids see. That's it. And you lose that that that validity, that credit, if you're always just being petty. Your kids don't understand it, but they see it, yes, and they're absorbing, they sense it. So be level-headed, be calm, always approach it from what does my kid need? What do my kids need? You know, we spoke about something about uh uh someone you knew and talking about football and and their kids wanting to go into it, or should they focus on school? What is best for the kids? What do the kids want? What is this? Who cares about she said this, so I'm gonna say fucking opposites because fuck what she says. None of that's relevant. We have to just stay there for the kids. Unf unfortunately, fortunately, y'all had kids. This is your fucking life now. Um, you know, there is self will come back, you will find time for self, but everything goes into these kids. Uh uh, and there's something I I heard um, you know, between zero and twelve, I think, you will have spent 75% of your time with your child in their life. After 12, you only have 25 more time left with them, which is insanity because they have 60, 70 years of life still ahead. You will have already spent 75%. Make sure it is of fucking value. 12 years is not a long time, it will go quick. Pour into that.

SPEAKER_03 33:27

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:28

Just put that fucking kid first.

SPEAKER_03 33:31

Yes. This is the dad is so we're talking to the men right now, you know. Sometimes you gotta humble yourself, and it's the co-parenting parents we're talking to, the the co-parenting father, you know what I'm saying? Like sometimes you just have to humble yourself, bro, for the greater good of your your relationship with the with the baby mom, significant other, you know, you you just gotta humble yourself. You gotta eat it, you know what I'm saying? Because you know by eating it, it's gonna be the best result for your kids. Brother, and take your ego out. Like when you're going to the gym. If you're going to the gym just to rah, rah, rah, drop weights, bro, good luck. But subtract the ego, bring in that discipline, and understand what the greater result that you you're both looking for for these these youths. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 34:17

You gotta trust that they they want the best for that. Well, man. When you say drop the ego, that's the biggest thing too, right? And like I've I had some trouble being like my kids, I'm the man, no other man shall influence my kids. No, I feel you. The other uh the the the co-parenting that's going on at the other house is positive, and you know, it's just another person that wants the best for that game.

SPEAKER_03 34:51

And you took time to analyze that too. Yeah, right? You had to analyze, okay, what's going on over there? We took the time to see what's going on. Okay, I'm vibing. I I I have this vibe, I could sense it. I got the gut feeling that this individual, this other man wants the best. No one wants to be replaced. Even the the thought of someone else, another male figure being able to be in that conversation of a decision. No one wants that. As men, that pride kicks in, the ego kicks in, but you love this child, right? You want him to come out. You can't control the whole situation, you can't control that situation over there, who she chooses, right? But you can flow, understand, give a chance, and then move forward. It that's so important, you know what I'm saying? I I I have cousins and friends and people in my lives that I see that are struggling right now because their ego is so enormous. Yeah, fuck that. That's my child.

SPEAKER_01 35:48

I only know when to step no, they don't got my how do you know, but you gotta trust that you your kids are going to continue to look at you as a massive influence in your life. And if you're being a kind of an asshead, then can't see that too. They they'll see that and they'll they feel that being you'll lose your influence if you're not being great. And it's control. Like we have no control over anything, but you can control yourself, and if you are a stand-up person, people will see that and feel that, and they'll want to be influenced. Okay, so I don't know. I've had that, you know.

SPEAKER_02 36:26

I I think that's that's that's right in line, you know, kind of circling that back is influence your child, not their friendships. That's it. Right? You what does guiding your teen through friendships actually look like as a dad? You know, what what if we were to give some tips? Um, you know, Ryan, you you've raised influential daughters, yeah, raised leaders. Yes. Is that your main principle for guiding them through their friendships?

SPEAKER_03 36:55

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I don't let them forget it neither. You know, you shine bright, you have something to offer. Everyone in this family and people that you surround yourself with. That's how I go in all the time with my daughters, right? So it's like they they they wear that with a badge of honor, um, and they're very precise on how they they decide to move when it comes to people outside the house and the relationships they build between not only friends, teachers in university, college, you know, uh fellow co-workers, and I'm saying that they they carry that shit.

SPEAKER_02 37:34

Bro have you had to have you had to help influence or guide your daughter away from a friendship that you saw as negative? Hell yeah. How'd you do that?

SPEAKER_03 37:45

I pointed out point four power fucking what is it, PowerPoint? It's how I approach it. Like I lay it out, you know where the line is, you know the expectation. I can't force you, but I'm gonna just lay this out. I'm gonna lay out the positives and I'm gonna lay out the negatives, and if they outweigh it, you need to make that decision. You know what I'm saying? And I'm here to support you, but like I'm not gonna flicking be fake, like Chantel's a bad fucking influence. I'm gonna say it, but I'm not gonna be like hand on the situation. I'm gonna allow you to fucking guide your way through it. I'm gonna state my opinion, and I'm entitled to my opinion. I'm here to protect you, I'm here to make sure you're good. I'm gonna state it out. I I use my words with my kids, bro. Like, big thing, like young adults, they're not kids, so I'm gonna talk to them like young adults. Yeah, and they talk back to me with reason like young adults. And I'd be I better be prepared if I'm gonna open up a can. I'm gonna open that can. I better have, you know, uh like some responses. It's not like a point system, but like, okay, I get what you're saying. You see that part of them, but I'm gonna I'm gonna pull you back and let you see the the the whole take the blinders off to see the whole picture, what daddy sees too. Maybe I'm gonna be a little bit biased, and we'll we'll have a conversation and we'll move forward with that. And I'm gonna trust that you'll make the right decision. You know what I'm saying? You can't force nothing in this. It is a big game. Oh, it becomes more of a psychological thing too.

SPEAKER_04 39:16

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:17

Where I'm at right now with my kids as a father and young women, it's a psychological thing. You know, we we have those conversations and we have great conversations, late night conversations. You know what I'm saying? And I'm always open to have an open ear to hear what you gotta say, and I'm always gonna be real with you. Because I'm gonna expect that he expects you to be real with him and whoever you're around. So it's walking through those moments and realizing, hey, oh shit, they're at that age. Okay, okay. And you get that positive, you you sit back a little bit, you watch, just like Zay Zay, and they make those right decisions. You fucking high-five your wife, you're significant. Oh, yo, we did a great fuck for you. See that shit? I can't even fucking believe she made that decision. Right out of parents, man. Bro, it's all part of it. It's not a game, but it's all part of it. Yeah, you get those very proud moments.

SPEAKER_02 40:06

Wait for those feelings.

SPEAKER_03 40:07

You get a little bit of disappointed, but you still allow them to grow, and then they they jump back. It's like, yo, fuck.

SPEAKER_02 40:13

Yeah, they we did a great job. They get it. Yeah, we kids are they're flying on their own.

SPEAKER_03 40:18

Yeah, they're bro, it's beautiful. I'm telling you, uh, it's beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 40:22

So you just got a uh, you know, a closing reflection. Yeah, you know, friend groups are one of the most powerful forces in the teenager's life. It's needed. They can shape identity, they can reinforce values, they can influence choices that ripple into adulthood. Yep. Um, but while fathers can't choose who their childs are friends with, they can shape their judgment that their child uses to choose them.

unknown 40:43

Come on.

SPEAKER_02 40:44

Um, because in the end, the goal isn't to control your child's social world, it's to raise someone who knows how to navigate it. Ooh, I like that. Boys, if this episode resonated with you at all, come find us on Instagram or at the dad at a podcast. Watch our page for updates for the next dad walk where we can talk more about shit like this. Um, if you want to connect with other fathers having these conversations in real life, show up once a month. And if you know a dad who's raising teenagers, man, share this episode with straight up. Boys, we is all we got.

SPEAKER_00 41:19

Take care.