Episode 35: Trust for Dads - When Your Teen Stops Telling You Everything

Episode 35: Trust for Dads - When Your Teen Stops Telling You Everything

What happens when your child stops telling you everything?

One day they’re sharing every detail school, friends, thoughts, feelings. Then suddenly… it’s “fine,” “nothing,” “I don’t know.”

In this episode of The Dad Edit, we unpack one of the most difficult and confusing transitions in fatherhood when communication with your child starts to fade.

This shift can feel like rejection. Like distance. Like you’re losing connection. But the truth is… it’s growth.

We break down:

• Why kids (especially teens) stop opening up to their parents
• How social pressure, emotional development, and independence play a role 
• Why this phase can hit dads harder than expected
• How to stay connected without pushing your child away
• The difference between controlling your child and coaching them
• Practical ways to build trust so they still come to you when it matters most 

This episode is for fathers navigating:

• Teenagers becoming more distant
• Short answers and silence at home
• Wanting to stay involved without overstepping
• Building a strong father-child relationship that lasts into adulthood 

Because being a great dad isn’t about knowing everything anymore.

It’s about being the one they trust when things actually matter.

If you’re raising kids or heading into those teenage years, this conversation will help you stay grounded, patient, and present through the transition.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey guys, before we jump in, if this podcast has ever helped you think more clearly, respond more calmly, or feel less alone in the quiet parts of fatherhood, hit follow on Spotify or Apple. Leave a review. If these conversations have helped sharpen you, not just comfort you. If you're watching on YouTube, like, comment, and subscribe. If you're a dad in the area, we are hosting a monthly dad walk. It is going to be on the third Saturday of every month. Rain, shine, snow, nothing. We will show up. We may not go on the walk, um, but one of or all of the dad edit crew will be there. It's a walk to just talk and connect. There's no pressure, no speeches, just real conversation. Watch our Instagram at the dad edit podcast for updates on the next dad walk. All right, let's get into it. It's episode 35, but we made it trust for dads when your teen stops telling you everything. Before we get into today's episode, I'm beat. I'm so tired today. Fatherhood's got me. My energy is low. April's been a tough month for all of us. Yes. That's hard to uh I don't know if it's like the the shift from winter to good weather. Yep. And especially like in London. I don't know if you're listening, if y'all get weather like we do. Yesterday was warm, overcast, and rainy. Today is cold, sunny, and nice. We're supposed to get snow, I think, tonight. Tomorrow. That's wild. But it was like 19 last Wednesday. The weather's gonna be all fucked up.

SPEAKER_02 1:56

Proud to be Canadian, you know, Zane. Yeah. But we're here. We showed up. We showed up. Hell yeah, we showed up for ourselves, so that's what counts.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Yeah. So in today's episode, I want to talk about a moment in parenting that I haven't experienced yet, but I can definitely put myself in the shoes of. When your child who used to tell you everything stops. You know, what happened at school? Who said what? What were they thinking and feeling? Then one day those answers get short. Fine. Nothing. Yeah. I don't know. Your child hasn't stopped living their life, they've just stopped narrating it to us. Yes. Very um, and I think thinking about it, you know, for Benny Dads, that moment can feel unsettling, even maybe painful. We were talking just before, you know, Jeff. He doesn't answer my phone sometimes.

SPEAKER_05 2:51

I text him, what the hell, dude? Like, hit me back. Yeah, I'm gonna take you out for some bulba or like matcha or something. Like, yeah, but that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

Just give me a reply. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Um, an emoji, anything, something, and I feel like that moment maybe sneaks up on us, and and you know, I want to lean towards Ryan to better understand it. Um, because I've got a long way to go. I'm I'm my little dude's my best friend right now. So I can't imagine him not coming to me and showing me a piece of lint off the ground, or hey, coiting at every car and saying, Dad, car, dad, car. Um, but this is a natural part of growing up. In this episode, we will talk about what happens when your teen stops telling you everything, why the shift happens, why we think it happens, um, why you can feel like rejection for fathers, and how dads can maintain influence and trust when the conversations become quieter. Because the goal isn't about knowing everything, the goal is making sure your child still trusts to you when things really matter. So I put myself in this uh in these shoes because I don't have a lot of experience yet. Yeah, excuse me, dealing with teens. There's definitely a point where you you think your parents don't understand anymore. They don't know what's going on. Um I don't want to talk about school. Maybe there was something going on, and and to talk about what was going on at school kind of hurts. Yep. So when you say, hey dude, how was school? That was fine. What'd you learn today? I don't know. You know, there's there's something there. And and you know, maybe at that time for me, I didn't have that trust to open that up. Yep. Um but what have you seen? Have you seen you've gone through it now three times, I imagine, that switch into teenhood. And what have you experienced there?

SPEAKER_02 4:50

Man, I just I just keep it real. I just really tried to first of all, we're all older. We're not old, but we're older, 40s, 30s. It wasn't that long ago that we were teenagers, bro. So for me, I really just try to reflect. It's a lot of reflecting at that time. It's shitty as hell, it does hurt feelings, hurts my feelings. Because you go from being the spotlight to being the background. Uh don't want to make it sound that harsh, but that's just the reality of the fact, right? When I was that age, I thought, especially like uh my youngest just turned 18. Bro, when I was 18, I thought I knew it all. You know what I'm saying? I had love for all my family members. I was raised with respect, but I was maturing, I was becoming my own. I was starting to really lean into independence. I moved out when I was 19, right? So I was like, I was at a point where I just felt like I was ready for the world. I didn't really want to hear what my mom had to say. I respected it, but like, eh, it is what it is. You know, we can't really relate on what I'm doing day to day. I I was doing things that I didn't even wanted my mom to know. So it was just more privacy, more, you know, try to figure out who I am.

SPEAKER_06 6:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:07

No. 18 years later, I got my 18-year-old, I got a 20-year-old, and a 26-year-old. And through the whole transition, it went from the beginning daddy's home. They wanted all the time in the world just to talk about what happened. Their friends, the fights, whatever the case is, how much fun today was, the teachers that they love, whatever. And it just became slowly just became silent. And I look towards my wife, I'm like, what the hell? Like, what's up her ass? What's going on? What why is Nikki like she ain't got much to say? Like you said, the responses just come short. But within that, you gotta reflect where you were at at that time, male or female. And you just gotta understand and be gentle, approach with kindness and you know, stay annoying. No matter what, even those short answers, I didn't give a damn. I'm getting in their face, I'm coming into their space, I'm kissing them up. Daddy loves you. It's all good if you don't have nothing to say, but you know, I'm here. Like, just stay annoying. And eventually, as they mature, they understand that okay, he ain't going nowhere. Daddy's gonna be daddy, and regardless how old I get, daddy's gonna be daddy. So it's just a it's just a transition and it's a learning period. And right now, one of my best friends, and I keep on seeing it, besides my wife, is my youngest daughter. It's my daughter's period. But my me and my youngest daughter are locking in right now. We're relating on different levels, and I just stay consistent with checking in and just like I said, being annoying and wanting to know, and they'll they'll let me know. And if they don't let me know, they'll let the mom know. And if they don't let either of us know, they'll go through it and they'll they'll know that we're there to for support. So in the transition, it's far it it's uncomfortable, but you're able to do what you gotta do.

SPEAKER_05 8:03

Maybe, maybe them being quiet at home with you with us is that they're this is their safe space, it's quiet, it's gustable, it's safe. They can shut down and recharge. Maybe they they can unplug and charge those batteries. But um, I also heard that since they're out in the world doing their thing, being social, regulating emotions and navigating social situations, and their social battery by the end of the day is gone. And maybe that's part of it. It's a pretty good point. You know that mom and dad might be like, Why, why aren't they talking to me? But but I know that I can just veg on the couch and and recharge. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 8:47

I love that you brought that point up because it's like all three of my daughters, school, they all chose at uh a decent age to get a part-time job. Uh, they're part of clubs, you know, they're they're in social circles. So just like us, we gotta go to work. Our battery's high when we go to work, but sometimes, you know, throughout what you're going through through the day, it runs low. And you just need that piece of quiet. You want that safe space that we've been building that whole time since they were young. Right. So they know that homes are safe space. They just wanna be safe and veg.

SPEAKER_05 9:20

And they come through the door instead of bombarding. I've noticed that I got I I I've stopped bombarding with the questions like, how is school? What'd you get to? Wait until like dinner time and we can sit down after they've decompressed. Because I know I get tired of being social by Thursday. I'm fuck. I need to I need something, I need everybody to just leave me alone. Yeah, and so uh and then you know, the weekend you recharge and you're ready again for Monday. And I'm like, social batteries real for them, too.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

That's such a good point. That's you know, especially if uh some that you're probably experiencing now is that that transition where they came home excited to talk to you, and then as they're navigating more social uh situations and and and reaching a broader scope of people, going into high school, which is intimidating. That makes a lot of sense that they come home and just go on decompress. We all do it. Yeah, man.

SPEAKER_05 10:15

I when I was a teenager, like I'd just go down to the basement, throw on some like National Geographic. I I was a big drawer, like pencil draw, like I had a whole art book full of sketches. I would just sit there and draw for four hours, or I'd go play drums kind of thing, just put my headphones on and play for four hours, kind of thing. That's how I kind of did decompress decompress. Yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

That's like I remember my mom was really good with that. Like she'd just give me my space. Like after coming from school, my thing was I want to take an hour, hour and a half before I have to crack open my books and study or whatever the case is. I want to watch some cartoons. My mom would allow me. Something would be made in the kitchen, come home, allow me to get my cartoon times in, study. If I was doing it too long, should get on my ass, no, okay, you got an hour and a half, it's time for you to study. And then by supper time, it was just like should throw in some, okay, how's your day, whatever? But she just gave me a moment to breathe. Yeah, yeah. You know, we gotta realize they're human beings too, yeah. And we're used to being their everything, but as they grow older and mature, we gotta give them that little bit of breathing room, you know.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

Or makes a lot of sense, yeah, like that. Um I think a difficult part is when you feel that something's kind of off, and um, you know, how do you respect teenage privacy but still have clear and open communication? You know, if you're noticing that there's that's my kid, like I know something's off. How do you push those boundaries or how do you open that door so that they know, like when you're ready, I'm here, but I know something's going on. Vocalize it, man.

SPEAKER_02 12:00

Don't only vocal vocalize it, make that a regular thing that they understand that's what it is. Use your words, approach with kindness too. The more consistent you're with this, they have they get that understanding, at least with my girls, they got that understanding that daddy ain't going nowhere. Mommy is there for what I need when I when shit hits the fan. And they have the option too, right? Your partner, yourself, you know, Nikki, yourself. Like they they they have choices to who they can open up to and who they want to be cracking jokes with. Like they have that choice. We presented that to them. So when shit really hits the fan, they can't speak to me. I know they're gonna speak to them, Bob. Like our communication levels in my house are very high. And that was the standard raising these kids. We gave them a voice, they understood that we had a voice, they understood that we could talk shit out, they understood that I will go to jail for my kids. That will never change. So, you know, when shit really, really is popping off, daddy's there. You know that mommy won't run to daddy with everything. If it's something you want to talk about that you know you rather not let me know about, you could talk to your mom. But there's always an uh an open ear and a conversation to be had through any negative, positive situation. So it's it's about what I'm gonna throw it again in there. It's about how you pour into your kids from young so they can grasp that understanding of when they're young adults, we are still your parents. We're here for you, we're on your side, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_05 13:31

What yeah, when they come to you and keeping it uh a little bit quieter from like my daughter will go to my fiance and they've got girl secrets that I'm not allowed, and they're like, They should. Sorry, I can't, I promised I wouldn't tell you. She told me it uh these this gossip, and I'm not allowed to I'm not in, I'm not in.

SPEAKER_02 13:55

So yeah, I'm like, okay, that's fine, but I'm really glad that she has that whole field, and it makes you breathe easier because when it comes to that serious things that she wants to talk to, you know your fiance or your partner is mature enough to distinguish, okay, I need to, I need to maybe adjust this trust. I gotta let my husband know or whatever so he can step in.

SPEAKER_05 14:19

Yeah, right. But they they'll choose who they feel comfortable with, or maybe they don't even have the words for what they're feeling at the time and still working through um trying to figure out how to say, yeah, what what's going on, but yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 14:34

I think that's an important part. That's that's a really good point. Is the as a kid you have so much emotion, and I think it's it's very hard to articulate why or how you're feeling things, especially because I feel like a lot of that shit's new, yeah, when you're a team, right?

SPEAKER_04 14:48

It's hard as an adult too, though. Yeah. Sorry, I just need to say that. Like as we're growing up, it's it's hard figuring out, bro. It doesn't get easier. I'm saying just curious hack, right?

SPEAKER_02 14:59

You it you still go through those questioning yourself or you know, trying to figure out your shit. It's just more intense sometimes as as a as a youth. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 15:07

And and for like your son's age, like very young, you can see it really clear. Like, he might be frustrated about something not working. Like, why can't I get this block into the into the hole because it's the wrong shape, but he's just like maybe maybe he's frustrated about it and he has his but but he doesn't know why he's frustrated. That I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

That never goes wrong. It's like right, that's just it. It's much more apparent in a a one-year-old than it is in a teenager than it is in an adult. And I think it's just the amount of situations that you encounter allow you to build the tools to cope with or deal with those problems. Like, oh shit, I've I've come across something that makes me feel this way emotionally. I know how I gotta handle it. But as a teen, you you don't, and you're experiencing more social situations where there's status involved and popular kids and these kids and those groups of people and things that aren't socially acceptable or are socially acceptable. Yeah, like you're you're just exposed to a whole different world. I think you go into high school, like no one's really playing fucking G.I. Joe's and shit anymore. Oh, bro, you really gotta say, I gotta grow up. Yeah, and as a teen, like I know I felt that. Like, okay, I'm going to high school. Like, you're there now with people that are four years older than you as well, that are on their way to college, on their way to being adults. So to have those folks influencing you as well when you're just coming out of being a kid, um, it's a lot to navigate and a lot to like, fuck, I don't know how to explain the way that I'm feeling right now, huh? So giving them the space, uh establishing the trust with them to let them be in their fields, to come up with the words for how they want to describe what's going on is is is very important. That's a very good point.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

I want to also say, like, throw in there, like, just don't go mute though. Like, you notice something's off, and you just go mute. Still use your voice. It doesn't have to be as heavy, just let them know by saying, Hey, I know something's off, and maybe you don't want to talk about it, but I'm here. Seeing that allows them to understand too, like, okay, when I'm ready, or if I'm ready, if I if I even choose to, but at least my dad I know my dad's there, right? Throwing that in there as much as possible.

SPEAKER_05 17:33

Strategic, strategic timing, emotional intelligence.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

Yes, yes, sir. You guys think that like uh uh uh the world that we're in of social media and texting, has it changed communication between parents and teens? Hell yeah, yeah. Like I oh yeah, I feel like there's shit sometimes with my partner, it's easier to bring something up over a text. Like I'm at work, hey, this isn't the best time to say this, but here's how I kind of feel about something and I'm like, I do it and it feels good, and then we talk about it. I'm like, fuck, why not the balls to just say that in person last night or to save it till tonight? Do you feel that with your kids? Like, do your kids ever bring things up via text? Uh no, or do they they just come straight to it's really like I said, the way we raise our kids.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

It's just me being a pussy, because yeah, but like I I'm a not to say I'm a different individual, but we just raised our kids a certain way. We had we both came from homes where, okay, um, growing up, you didn't have a large voice. We knew how that made us feel. So we were strategic with raising our kids that we allowed them to have the voice. But to a certain extent, it still had to be very respectful. I'm still the parent, but I want to hear what's on your mind. So that's how we raised our kids. So doing that and sticking to that on both halves, me and my wives, as they grew older, I tell guys it seems like it just became easier. I have girls, maybe it's easier, girls. I don't know how it is to raise young men, but it just became easier. They were very in touch with their emotions, they were very in touch with communication, they knew who they were, you know, and they weren't scared. When shit was real, they'd tell their mom or me.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

And I feel like, you know, I'm gonna generalize here, but I feel like females are much more in tune with the emotional side of their brain. Right. Whereas I feel like we have to really learn to do that. Um, I feel like it comes very natural for females, so maybe it was a bit easier, but you've also created a household where that's yeah, man.

SPEAKER_02 19:49

And I I don't know how much facts is behind it. They say that girls mature faster than boys for sure. For sure, I've seen that shit. Yeah, I've seen that shit firsthand, like fairly mature. And when they articulated the way they spoke about situation, I'm like, holy shit. One time Zayze wrote me a four-page letter or just a situation that was hurting her.

SPEAKER_03 20:13

When I read this, boys, I was just like, who is this individual? How did she articulate like this? Fucking right, that's awesome. You know, so they mature quite fast.

SPEAKER_02 20:23

And we just molded them to be strong women, strong, confident women, and knowing who they are and where they want to go. It just made it easy, bro, as they grew older. And I'm just I give thanks to God all the time that we put in the work that we did, that I was not only present, I was active. No saying that's a big fucking part. Bro, 100%, 100%.

SPEAKER_05 20:46

Like available, like you're you're present and available.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

Yeah, like you can feel like that's something that that I've always remember about my mom and and my upbringing was you know, definitely lacks the father figure thing. And I think that maybe I withheld a lot of information because there were things that I felt she couldn't understand, but she always made sure she was available until my late 20s. Yes, she texted me every morning, hey, how you doing? Have a good day. It was always there. Oftentimes I would say, Thanks you too, thanks you too, thanks you too. And I one day when I would say, Thanks, man, I'm fucking beep. Last night was really shitty. I'm I'm going through it. Then she would alter then the go. Yes, this is but that like consistency of just showing up, that would you say, I'm still gonna be dad, I'm gonna come give you kisses, I'm gonna show you love, I'm still gonna say, Hey, what's up, kiddo? Like, how you doing? If you shut me down, no problem. Like, I'll be here tomorrow. Yeah, it's fine. I'm going nowhere. That consistency is so important that I feel like as dads, don't shut down, don't go mute, don't just

SPEAKER_02 22:00

let that be don't get fucking pouty because your kid's not talking to you 100% and it does happen bro i because we had such a because we have such a strong relationship i caught feelings i caught feelings but my wife put me in my role hey man they're maturing relax they're good uh trust me they're good i'll let you know if they're not good man i i want that kiss as soon as i come in like i want them to be super excited that goes oh bro know it does i don't give a fuck i'm being real it does go it just it's just a little bit different you get those giggles that just okay she's still lovely especially with a emotional man right now my kid 14 months sorry i'm cutting you all no no no like i walk in the door and all i hear is like you're gonna hear this on the the mic this kid just crawling at mock 10 cross the floor pulls himself on the gate da da da da da like that shit you can't explain to someone that doesn't have a kid that's just that turns you into a fucking superhero what are you talking about that right there it's like yeah put your cape on bro i i when i'm at the gym i i go to turn on my um my timer between my sets so that i can watch every time i open up and i see this kid yeah bro that gives me so much motherfucking energy and if it doesn't there's an issue oh fucking right bro that will lift the entire fucking gym off the ground let's go for this kid like it's crazy i totally i i sideline you there no no that's all good it's all good but uh i hope that never ends bro kid cannot ever keep running to dad i'll see like with my my my uh oldest nikki she has her own family but she i the love is crazy the respect is crazy youngest she's just so loving uh Azarya that's in her she's just so loving growing up like teachers would just say man Azaria like she'll help other kids she's just so loving which in turn she wants to be a teacher right so it just connects Ayanna she's a little bit of me she's rough around the edges she's not as um doesn't show her emotions as as much as the other two right she's very conservative to herself so when that started happening with Ayanna it was like fuck me but then every now and then I'll pop my head in her room what okay I'm just talking good I'm just tired I worked all day okay I got you I got you pop my head in the room daddy what yo you're so fucking gorgeous I just had to come in and stare at you she and then I get that giggle at the okay I could go inside and give her a fucking kiss I could go in her space and I keep it like that and we have that understanding like I gotta respect this this young woman's space. Yep but I love you to death you're like one of the best human beings I ever fucking met in my life I just gotta get that giggle I just gotta get that smile just to just just so daddy knows and still love him the same way. I know she still loves me but it just it does hurt guys it does something that you have to learn and adjust to that okay you're not gonna be the spotlight they're not gonna want to just jump up on yeah you know I don't I'm not accepting that I feel like that's never gonna end for me.

SPEAKER_05 25:15

Two of you may go link let's go there's other problems if that's the case he'll be bigger than you and yeah kicking me up yeah I've had to find some find ways to fill my time a little bit more because if they did do need a badge and instead of sitting down watching the movie with me they they want to do their own thing. So I'm like okay go be for a snap clean maybe I'll go do this maybe somebody will come and hang out with me after maybe if what I'm doing it seems fun and cool though uh well just over your drawing having the best time of my life yeah yeah check out this uh sweet ass movie The Matrix I don't know if you've heard of it but I don't know why they don't want to watch that like it's a turn anyway it was I'd say this though when I say stay annoying it's like in a humorous but don't force it you start forcing it they're gonna they're gonna push back if you don't want to give them that space they're gonna make that space it needs to be authentic.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Yeah man if you're someone who's very lovey and affectionate like just be you be don't switch it up on your kids don't think just because they're shutting down that you're like well fucking then they're not getting my attention don't do that. Don't take a person be you yeah be be you be consistent bro that's the same thread that we drag through every podcast episode is consistency. Yeah be consistently you that's that's what they want the the person that was there with him when he was 14 months needs to be the person that's there with him at 22 years. We all change and adapt but be quirky be fun be you be artistic be yes the rock be a nerd yes just be that to them right don't switch up because they're switching up oh I gotta adapt it I don't stronger of this or go over and above to what you're not um it just doesn't feel authentic exactly like you then break that trust that you've you've spent so much time establishing yeah man I think it's important that we we try to show curiosity instead of judgment when they're getting quiet um you know if we could lean into the conceptual side of this conversation trying to look at you know you the listener the fourth dad at the table here how do we advise them to you know how do you listen without immediately correcting unconditional love bro with no conditions love your your son your daughter your family unconditionally that brings consistency and you'll learn how to maneuver when you don't when you're not consistent like you said they question they want something like the rock that they know that is not wavering and through their storms and their figuring out themselves if they know that this man over here is consistent through everything it gives them a sense of comfort my my uh middle has a boyfriend sometimes he's consistent sometimes he's not it it's confusing but when the mom or the dad over there is consistently being authentic it comforts them and slowly they'll open up and shit like that.

SPEAKER_05 28:41

Yeah do you guys feel that we as fathers you know we've talked in a I think in a previous episode about how as you go from that tween phase into teens you're going from teacher to coach yep how do you balance guidance coaching but still allow independence well for uh since since guys are notorious for wanting to fix everything right like like you mentioned if if your foundation is solid you you might not have to fix it you can let them come to you vent just be somebody that they can talk to and they know that this is a safe place that'll keep them uh dried during a storm or whatever without you're fixing something without actively fixing something right you're allowing them to take refuge or whatever but in terms of switching to coaching I don't know just being dip like uh what is that like your emotional intelligence but um waiting for the right time to chime in I guess a little certain things like you don't need to comment on the whole story just uh evaluate what's going on and try and figure out when to speak up and when to just lend an ear bro I found like I don't know I've had to really watch I'm gonna do that at work even in letting people you know for for myself the position that I'm in I've always been the decision maker there or I've always been the fixer I've always had to be right yeah we've got a team now where I have people that I have to give trust to to be independent yeah to make the right decisions now is it the same decision that I would make no but that's we don't want a three of me shop will progress I think that that's the same kind of what you're saying with a teen is you know allowing them to make the right is the output that they're doing safe and good and it's fine there's no danger there's no risk is the input and the process of what they're doing what you would do maybe not but they're still gonna get the same output they're still gonna make the right decision they they're coming to the same conclusion that you would come to it's just you can solve it quicker but you have to let them you got to coach them we got to mentor them gain that experience yeah man you can't be putting out all the fires even though you want to you want to keep them safe but we gotta allow them to fucking grow tough when you feel like you who you you have the playbook yeah like if you just do XY and Z bro you'll get D but they go one two seven instead if they still get the same the same outcome yeah they just took a different path like how did you learn that lesson while you tried and failed and you're trying to prevent it for somebody else but the way people learn is by attempting their own version of it and that's how you level up possibly fumbling or succeeding and then that's I think it comes from a good place.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

Like what what I want to do is use the experience I want to be able to pass all my experience on you know and be like bro I've gone through heartache rock bottoms fucking made all the wrong decisions let me tell you all the wrong decisions I made so that you don't have to you can just be leveled up you're already above the game I like you say that it's like when I went to trade school for welding right they prepared me I was in there burning wire this is how you do it technically this and that this and that but when I graduated and I hit the field shit was different like I I got tips and things from like the elders the guys that've been in the game for a long time but like you prep them but the reality of fact when they go through something you gotta allow them to understand it. Even though I have the playbook I understand I'm gonna let you know what I know but you you you gotta they have to feel they have to feel all that like yeah I come from a place where I just want to avoid the pains that I've had to feel yeah don't want them to go through that but those dumb clients going through that is what I now know those pain where it can go really wrong and I can stop them from really wrong.

SPEAKER_05 33:04

But that pain is where all that growth comes from I wouldn't be who I am now without going through all that well if you look at like say the Buffalo Bills coach is he knows what he wants to see and but he trusts his guys to make the best decisions physically like he might say these are the these are the plays that would get us to the end but it's up to them to actually perform those things change while you're always gonna make you might run into another the opposing team and have to pivot and that's only something that individual on the field can deal with you can't deal with it from the side watching it's it's it's up to that player to make it to the end however they are able um with the advice and the the common goal of like coach wants to see you at the end player wants to get to the end yeah but how you get there is sometimes different than the plan I think repel yeah reference you might be able to yell across the field but it might not lane you know for real so staying staying on that like how I'm gonna have a problem I can tell with staying involved but not leaning in to control it.

SPEAKER_01 34:24

Um I really liked like it resonates with me a lot about your description we're fixers I I feel that way to a fault about myself that I have to fix a problem especially if there's like an emotional thing. If you and I had a spat, I could have let it go for weeks. We need to solve it now it or it's just gonna eat me away all I'm gonna do is think about why what if this that the other thing I could feel that potentially with my kid as as an a young adult as a teen like fuck I could fix this. I got to fix this for him like like I don't feel okay until I fix that situation. Yeah there's things that I got to deal with in my own head that that's that's my own problem but how do you guys stay involved Ryan without leaning into controlling check yourself bro like the reality of fact is you you gotta check yourself okay so you mentioned that okay so you have to understand that you you have that emotion check that emotion man they're not babies no more they're young adults I have to check myself and allow them to grow because you're not doing them any justice if you're trying to save them from certain things.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

So just check yourself have those conversations reflecting and understand that you're still their father you're still here to protect them but allow allow allow check you just gotta check yourself self-talk you gotta really take time and meditate on it.

SPEAKER_01 35:52

This is not something that you're just gonna come up with this is real life you're dealing with this is a human being take time and reflect don't just jump in there this is how it's done I have the blueprint do it this way man you're doing them no justice because one day you will not be there I think it's it's that's a good segue into what Jess brought up before and and and journaling and you know just going through your if if you went through your daily or a weekly motion of you know how was my week yeah what did I feel how was my kid yada yada yada it would give me an opportunity to be like fuck man something's something's not right with Link he's hanging out he's doing the wrong things he's not talking then I could at least putting it out there acknowledging those writing it down talking to it with my partner be like ooh how are we gonna is this a him thing or is this a me thing?

SPEAKER_05 36:44

Yeah how we gonna have a game plan you want to be a great father no it's just great you plan you have this you want to be great plan for that shit have those conversations with your wife have those conversations with yourself don't go in hot don't go into disciplinary as they grow older that gets old bro like is yeah and uh I like the meditate on it like maybe don't react right then yes delay your response a little bit so you can let it sink in like I might have the greatest idea in my head and then I write it down on paper or I text it to you guys and I'm like that's a fucking dub I do that all the time but I'm just like coming up with the greatest plan ever all day long for eight hours and then I text it out and I'm like wow that's stupid so like I do that with my girls I'll say the same thing. But but if I waited and kind of thought about it a little bit more I would have maybe uh not it's it maybe like also if you're having like an issue um instead of reacting and being angry right then and there think about it and then re uh re um come back to it later. Yes put it over the exact when everybody's kind of chilled out a little bit and you've both had time to cool off and think about it because that might yeah delay.

SPEAKER_01 38:10

That's something I I've really had to learn is my outcomes if I don't knee jerk react are wildly different. Wildly different you know I could be again I use work as my reference I could go from that person's gotta go to oh shit we as a company are doing wrong by this person. If I just sit on it and think for a second like ah is this ridiculous why is this person acting out I didn't realize that they're having problems at home plus the the situation on the line kind of sucks equipment's breaking I need to go relieve their stress it's not that this person's failing and they're not fit to be here it's there's a situation far beyond but there's you know this initial reaction just like a teen does where they come up with emotions that they can't articulate they're just fucking pissed and snapping at you that makes a lot of sense that makes a lot of sense so uh uh a closing reflection here there comes a point in fatherhood when knowing everything stops being possible your child's becoming their own person their own thinker their own decision maker and while that could feel like distance it's also growth the role of a father begins to shift from knowing everything to becoming someone your child knows they can rely on when things matter most because the strongest relationship between a father and the children aren't built on control it's built on trust guys if this episode has read resonated with you come find us on Instagram at the dad at a podcast watch our page for updates on the dad walk this is going to be a monthly walk on the third Saturday of every month 11 a.m at Kawana Skate Park we pick that because it's an easy location there's parking there we won't get confused about where people are going to meet up and if you're a dad if you know a dad navigating the teenage years share this episode with him boys we is all we got thank you