The Dad Edit Archives: The Dad Toolbox

This is one from the archives.

In this special Dad Edit Archives episode, Andrew, Ryan, and Jeff share one of their first ever attempts at recording the podcast - a raw, early trial conversation about the “dad toolbox” and the skills every modern father is still learning to build.

The guys talk about the practical side of fatherhood, from being handy around the house to knowing when to ask for help, tap into your village, or use the resources around you. They also get into the modern challenges dads face today, including technology, internet safety, social media, misinformation, and how fast the world is changing for our kids.

But this conversation goes deeper than tools, repairs, and DIY projects.

Released during Men’s Mental Health Month, this archive episode also highlights the emotional tools dads need: emotional intelligence, active listening, empathy, difficult conversations, stress management, and learning how to model healthy coping skills for your children. The guys reflect on what it means to be vulnerable without feeling weak, how to support your partner and kids through hard moments, and why being present matters more than pretending to have all the answers.

This episode is rough, honest, and unpolished because it comes from the early days of The Dad Edit. But that is also what makes it special. It captures the beginning of the show’s mission: real conversations about fatherhood, parenting, masculinity, mental health, family, and the everyday work of becoming a better dad.

If you are a father trying to grow, lead your family, support your kids emotionally, have better conversations, or simply level up your own dad toolbox, this episode is for you.

Welcome to The Dad Edit Archives: The Dad Toolbox.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Data Edit Podcast. Before we jump into today's episode, we just wanted to give you guys a quick update on the data. Men's mental health mode that we've decided to take a step back from the regular long-form podcast episode through the year. We felt it was important to practice what we created. We definitely disappeared. We've been working behind the scenes with some new short form content and community focused segments that we're really excited about. This little pause is really about becoming better, more intentional, and being more refreshing for your life. We appreciate everybody who's been supporting the podcast, sharing episodes, messaging us, and being a part of the community. Enjoy this uh early trial episode. It's gonna be rough. We will see you guys again soon. We is all we got. Thank you. So, welcome to the Dad Edit Podcast. I am Andrew. This is Ryan Jeff. And today we're gonna cover the dad toolbox. We want to look at um essential skills for every dad, whether it's practical skills or or mental disciplines. Um, and hopefully you guys find some value in these. So, as we start, I think the easiest ones, uh you know, kind of coinciding with last episode and the stereotypes, is uh the do-it-yourself, the the handyman side of things. I'm useless in this uh area, but I think things like you know, uh fixing things around the house. Um I don't know nothing about plumbing or anything like that. I know Ryan, you're a pretty handy guy.

SPEAKER_04 1:56

Pretty handy.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Do you find it's important to have these skills or 100%?

SPEAKER_04 2:02

I feel it's important. Do I always want to follow through with these skills with the hustle and bustle of life? It's crazy. It's it gets hard, it's stressful when you have a 60-hour week and you know you have a half-finished basement or you have a uh a list that wifey has for you coming this weekend based on your skill set, right?

SPEAKER_01 2:23

Like it's better. Yeah, I think um thankfully Nick never relies on me to fix things. She's usually the the misfix it of the house. Uh we always joke that she's the engineer of the relationship. Um but it's definitely something that you know in if I look at my toolbox, something that I feel like I need to further develop is those, you know, almost tradesy skills, the how to patch a hole in a wall, um, how to rewire something, how to and I think that there's you know a limit. Um I think the only thing that, although I'm lacking that, I have the resourcefulness to figure that out. 100%. Uh to an extent that's not gonna cause a more damage or just be more costly because I'm fumbling with something. Um, you know, getting into this whole episode, I think already one of the key takeaways is making sure that you are a resourceful father. That you know, there's YouTube, there's podcasts, there's uh people, friends that you can tap into, being resourceful to be like, Ryan, my fucking my shower's leaking, I don't know what's going on. It sprays in every direction and not out the front. Do you know anything? Maybe we we get together and you can walk me through that, or fixing a car, you know, just generally being handy is something that I know I lack. Um it is it I gotta I gotta further develop those skills, and I think a lot of fathers in my eyes have those skills. But it's something that I maybe because well I can't say that. I can't say it's because I was raised by a single mom because Ryan over here has experienced the same thing, but develop that on those moments. Where where did that come into play for you? Why did you how did you develop being more mechanically inclined?

SPEAKER_04 4:17

It was the the village, it was my uncles, my cousins waking me up at four o'clock in the morning, come help me uh do this roofing job and stuff like that, right? It was just the people I had around me, even though it wasn't directly in my house. They knew that, okay, maybe my uncle knew that, okay. I didn't have that figure in the house to give me the tools that I'll need in the future, and he jumped in there and it's like, hey, let's go.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Right.

SPEAKER_04 4:48

You know what I'm saying? So it's it's it's the it came back to just like the village that I was around, right? But this day and age, this is the day and age of uh information, man. So if you can't do it, you don't have someone like can give you the advice. Like you said, there's YouTube. Yeah, look it up. There is no reason behind it not to know yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

On that note, yeah, there's unlimited knowledge out there. I learned best by somebody showing me how to do it is one thing. Um and in I guess our Western society, there's less of a village as as time goes on. Um some of my co-workers who have moved here from from other places, they they talk about how their communities just they all, you know, they raise the kids together as a group and they celebrate the wins and and help out when there's losses. And uh I think uh as uh myself um I learned best, you know, by doing. And and I'm I can watch a YouTube video over and over and just still doesn't sink in until I get my hands on it. But uh yeah, there's there's value in that uh community that those uncles teaching you how to do how to swing the hammer, and uh but it is valuable that YouTube's out there now, and my son even said, you know, I can learn anything, it's YouTube, right? Like it's it's all just uh Google. Just tap in. I Google half my job to be honest with you.

SPEAKER_04 6:17

But and when I say village, village doesn't have to mean family members, right? It's your network, the people that you know you build relationships with and maybe in the same situation as you, and you you you build this this community, this village, not necessarily meaning that it's it's direct family. And then you can tap into those reasons. Exactly, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:39

No, I think I think that's excellent. Have you guys um uh ever gotten into a household project that was a bit over your head and and didn't work out?

SPEAKER_04 6:49

Uh my basement right now is that project, right? Just to be honest, overwhelming. I thought I could handle it with all the tools that I I grew up like knowing. It's still overwhelming when it comes down to it. Like, I'm not a plumber, I'm not an electrician, right?

SPEAKER_01 7:04

But I feel like the demo side's easy, and then once you start stepping all that up, you go, what? Oh shit.

SPEAKER_04 7:11

So I'm going on six months now of an uncompleted little project. Like I'll get there eventually.

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Yeah, yeah, hell yeah. Shit. I haven't I haven't torn apart a you know a basement, but I remember I'm a big guy and I'm a bit of a fucking klut. So our little like uh oven hood. I was cooking dinner one night and I put my hand up there and just busted it straight down. So I think I just popped out like a screw. So uh Nick gets me, I gotta fix it myself instead. I broke it, I'll fix it, don't worry. So you sure? Yeah, yeah, I got this. Just give me, I don't know, a screwdriver with that head. So she figures that out for me, very nicely, just gives me the screwdriver so I can fiddle with it. So I get it in, and then again, I'm still leaning on it. I busted out three more screws, uh, and thought, babe, do you wanna do you wanna try this? It's not working out. I know that once a tool is picked up in my hands, I'm not that uh that good. But I think if it's you know your own home, you've got a bit more you're a bit more likely to dive into a project. I think if you've got at least time, it's not like you're tearing apart your living room and kitchen and bedroom all at once. Yep. Uh I do think, you know, I've I know of people who buy a house, get in there, they're excited to do these projects, thinks, no problem, I can drywall this in no time. You rip down the drywall, and then like you said, you go, ooh, some electrical I gotta do, and some plumbing's not so good, and shit. This isn't even this the ceiling's a load-bearing and it's got nothing, it's not done right from the previous. So I think though those things, uh, maybe we get in over ahead and we tap into our village, or we find a way to be resourceful, tap into our partners. Do you know someone that can help? Can your uncle come by? Um, I'm pretty blessed because my my my girl's family is a car family. I don't know fuck all about cars. Our kids will probably not learn oil changes and changing tires from me. Okay, we'll go to her family. Okay, thank God I have that that resource, that village. Her whole family, you know, drives race cars and fixes vehicles and worked at the Ford plant. And I'm glad that we can tap into that resource. But at least I know my limit. And being resourceful, if we've got a car problem, or I want to just develop our kid's knowledge, her dad would love to just spend time in the garage with the kid. Yeah, right, would just love to pour into that kid his knowledge and get to you know, share. Because I know you know my girl knows way more about cars than I ever will. Uh, and and she's super mechanical, super handy. She's she's willing to change a tire and do all those things. So I'm I'm happy that we have that resource. That you know, I feel blessed because I picked a great partner for my lacking. Okay. Um and I think uh uh it's fun to do do-it-yourself projects and just get involved.

SPEAKER_04 10:20

And being resourceful doesn't mean you gotta know everything, man. You just gotta know where to tap into what you lack.

SPEAKER_02 10:25

Yeah, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_04 10:26

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

So, what do you guys think? Uh uh beyond repairs, we look at kind of the the digital way, the the technology way that the the world's moving at a fast, fast rate. Um you know, if you look at your parents, I don't know how many times, again, going into my girlfriend's family, we gotta go and help her grandma set up her iPad. And she's she's nervous about anything that's new technology-wise, and doesn't know how to get onto her own Wi-Fi, doesn't know the name of her own Wi-Fi network. I think more so than fixing things, um being technology driven is super important for us because I I imagine having teenage kids, your kids are experiencing technology at a fast rate. And to be honest, boys, this is where I lack.

SPEAKER_04 11:15

And it's a scary thing, man. Yeah, yeah. When when you're totally lost and you're depending on the one that you raise to give you this info, like it's it's it's a scary thing sometimes, but I'm not ignorant to it. Yes, I know I lack in the knowledge, and hey, you be the teacher, I'd be the student, type of thing.

SPEAKER_00 11:38

Yeah, it's nice that that you're ex you're able to accept that knowledge from your child, like not having the ego of oh, I I'm dad, so I know everything. Exactly. It's good that you're open, like you teach me, I teach you, everybody's happy, and then we're just a strong team. Exactly. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

Technology is scary, man. It's it's we were all born in a time and got to see technology start to rise, right? Uh we got to see the internet come into play and what that was, and it wasn't nearly as accessible as it is today. We had to get dial up. Your mom picked up the phone and cut your your internet session out, ruined the whole thing. It was done.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

I've been downloading that song for three days. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:31

And there would be an argument going on to not pick up that phone. Okay.

unknown 12:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

Yeah, hell yeah. But today they don't have that. You know what I mean? Like today they've they've got their phones and they have full access, and I think it's important for us to know um the potential risks, to know how to operate these things, uh, to know you know how they're getting around things, how they're you know, uh hiding or or or if if they're being, if they have the opportunity to be deceitful in a way through technology, we've just got to be aware. It's not that we have to assume. Um I know as a kid growing up, I learned in my adult years, my mom was pretty tech savvy. She was like all over programming and all those things as it was developed, and she really leaned into it. I found out I was allowed to have a computer in my room, have internet access. I know I got into all sorts of trouble on the internet. When I would go in and clear my browser history, it would save and she could see it. That's crazy to me.

SPEAKER_04 13:40

That's crazy to me. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 13:42

And that was years ago. And you know what? Props to her for having the restraint because I know as a teenage boy, the nuances I was looking at. For her to see, and being a data-based person that she was, she would look for trends. Am I looking at things that you know are disrespectful to women? Am I looking at things that mentally probably aren't good for me? And then over dinner conversation, she wouldn't address it directly. Hey, I know what the fuck you were doing. She would say she would uh you know facilitate a conversation around respect of women and you know, not being whatever the topic was, whatever I was into at that time, she would address in a roundabout way. So I never knew, but I did find out in my adult years that I used to clear my history thinking I was safe. I don't fucking get rid of all that. I was woo went down a rabbit hole. She would see it all, which is also fucking embarrassing because I know what I was looking at.

SPEAKER_04 14:40

Terrible. But she was that cool parent to know how to approach that. That's just taken from the last episode. Cool doesn't mean you just allow a child to be crazy, and cool is also being what your mom was, having the knowledge of what you were doing out there, but knowing how to approach the situation and making you feel somewhat normal, addressing certain things, not embarrassing you.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Oh man, I would have I would have uh retracted so much, I would have found new ways to hide shit. Really, because like we fuck going back to last episode, that controlled independence. I was gonna be independent regardless, whether you told me that the route that I went was wrong, and now I'm gonna find a different route, or she just controlled that independence that I had, which is is good, and I think we we do have a lot more parental control over technology, and I think that at a you know certain ages that's important while we develop their knowledge, but we have to stay on top of these things. That's why I believe that this is an essential uh tool in our toolbox to understand technology, to understand how these phones and tablets and computers and laptops all operate. I think that it's it's vital for us to stay on top of those, even just a basic understanding, so that when they're doing things, you kind of know where they're what they're on. What is that app? Oh, cool. What's oh, can you get messages on that? Like who's reaching out to our kids on these apps? I think that's important, right? Because kids are super uh influential or can be easily influenced, they can be reached by anyone when you're on the internet, and I think that it's it's just important that we're involved, right? We have that that kind of know-how.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

The internet safety is a huge part of it, and uh yeah, I my kids will be uh well I don't allow them on like TikTok or social media or anything, but they they watch YouTube shorts, but I'll hear something that's a trend on TikTok because I'm keeping up with things and and they're they're seeing it on YouTube with their friends, and it's going around the schoolyard and whatever, and they'll be like saying things at home and I'll be like, hey, where'd you uh where'd you find where'd you hear about that? Where'd you hear about this? Uh so I'm feeling like I think I'm they don't realize how ahead of them I am with the technology. Like I work in technology, so it's uh I've got an advantage there. My I know nothing about cars, like I can drive one, I can drive the hell out of my car, but I I can't like I could change the tire, but that's about it. Yeah, okay. I feel like I'm staying one step ahead and it shit's changing every single day. That's wild. And and and when we grew up, we were playing N64, Gold and I, and now they're putting on virtual reality and then in like immersed in the whole world. Yeah, yeah. They can travel anywhere, they can play with strangers online in virtual worlds. It's it's that's something I want to stay ahead of because that's not going away, I don't think. But yeah, the inner internet safety teaching them that, then you don't have to stress out as much, maybe uh is a tactic, but I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:53

That's an essential tool in our toolbox to have just that knowledge for real.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

Yeah, like street safety is just as important as internet safety because uh you never know who you're talking to on the other end. It could be being catfished. It might not be your friend, it might be somebody who knows.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

I think we're seeing that more now. Um, you know, the the capabilities of AI. We're seeing uh, you know, phone scams of people replicating voices and and individuals. I I know that there's services, um, you know, we live in a very work-from-home type environment. There's services that are now morphing avatars into the person. You know, there's enough facial uh recognition and screenshots and and and capturing that they can create these AI avatars that have your voice and have your. I don't know if it ever reaches a point where Jeff's you know AI avatar is FaceTiming his daughter, asking to do something, asking her to do something, right? I don't know if someone can uh replicate a celebrity and and call someone up and say, hey man, like it's so great to see you. I would love to do X. Uh who knows, who knows? But I know that the the technology's there, and as great as these advancements are, there's a negative side that's advancing just as quickly, right? Um so I think it's just important for us to stay on top of what's going on. Look at social media for the trends, what's what's happening in the environment, what's what's being created right now, and and how can that be used, you know, as a resource, as a tool, and how can that negatively impact our our situations?

SPEAKER_00 19:40

There's a theory that a lot of the stuff on the internet is actually AI uh generated, and uh well, the amount of misinformation, and I don't know what's true and what's not true, you know. I'll see a bunch of uh videos or read something, uh, and then I can quickly Google the complete opposite, and that like I can whatever I'm looking for, I can get the answer that I subconsciously want everyone's volunteer. Why is this political party uh so bad? And then on the other hand, it'll say, Oh, this is why this political party is so good. And it's like the amount of misinformation out there, it's a confusing time, and I feel bad for the kids. Like, one, they have all unlimited information, and and there's an outrageous amount of like YouTube, you could learn how to change the time. But it it's confusing too because there are people and bots and everything. There's a lot of things out there trying to confuse you on purpose. I it's hard to f find what's real and what's not now. Uh so I wonder how they feel about the internet, and because they don't know the internet we knew. Um it's a scary, scary place. Come on now.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

It's so accessible. I think that's why it's important. You know, we have these these tools uh uh uh in our toolbox of practical, you know, physically fixing things and how technology operates. But I think that you know, emotional and soft skills kind of goes hand in hand with that, right? Although we know the risks and the problems, you know, looking back to my mom, how how did she develop what soft skills did she have to not lose her mind over what I was getting into and have a controlled conversation? I know if if my kid, if I saw their internet history, I'd probably shit bricks and fucking fly off the handle in this moment, right? Thinking about that. So things like uh mental health support. You know, do we think dads today are more comfortable talking about their feelings, mental health, um, and mental health than previous generations? 100%. I think it's more accepted, right? Right now, 100% human.

SPEAKER_04 22:02

I feel like we're not not to say we're being forced. There's a big movement. Yeah, we're being allowed to be ourselves, man. Being allowed. We're being allowed to be ourselves. We don't have to be the disciplinary mascul masculine man. That's not in touch. No, society is geared towards now towards mental health and just seeing your truth and expressing your truth in these times right now. So yeah, man. I feel like we are able to have that emotional intelligence side to ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Without being pegged as weak, right? Because I feel like it takes a strong man to be vulnerable. Like I'm learning as my daughter's getting into you know the between era that I've gotta be I've gotta learn some emotional like uh support skills. Um I'm sure you've already learned a bunch as as your kids have gone through teenage years. Um me and my my partner talk about it, like she she doesn't know how to um how boys like young boys are and and me, I'm like, oh the boys, boys is the easy part. Uh like helping my daughter get through the emotional stages of say uh high school, I'm I'm terrified of that. But luckily, luckily she's like, oh, I got that part, I'm good with that. And you know, she's got her mom as well to to lean on for that. But I'm I'm afraid of the the emotional teenage years. What do females go through in high school, right? Like I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 23:45

It's tough.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:47

If you want to have that great relationship, embrace that.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 23:51

You gotta embrace that emotional side, that openness. If you if your goal is to have that transparency where your kids will come to you with anything and not be fearful, you have to embrace that side, even though it's hard. Oh, absolutely. You gotta be vulnerable in front of your girls, you gotta cry in front of your girls. Oh, yeah. Let them know, hey, the world, I feel like the world's on my shoulders, but I don't have all the answers. I'm gonna break down.

SPEAKER_02 24:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:19

And daddy's gonna be alright, but daddy needs this little moment to break down. And I don't feel no way if you see daddy break down because it's okay for daddy to break down. Daddy's still gonna be daddy after this.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:28

And it just gives them this security that, oh, come on, man. My father has a heart. Yeah, he'll be there if some boy steps in in the wrong way. I know I could call my dad and he'll be there. Yeah, but he'll also be there to cry in front of me, cry together with me, and all that.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

And that just builds character, I think that's that's the emotional intelligence side. I think that you're you're experiencing something and you're teaching them that it's okay to feel this way. Man, but I think the the intelligence side to that is this is how I cope with it though. I don't feel fucking sad and feel like the whole world's on my shoulders and go self-medicate and just push it down.

SPEAKER_04 25:12

Come on now.

SPEAKER_01 25:13

You you're teaching your kids that I feel this way, and like, okay, why do I feel this way? What made me feel this way? How am I gonna manage this feeling? Uh is this something I need to deal with right now? What's gonna fix this? I think teaching these things, it's okay to feel frustrated. It's not okay to take your frustrations out from work and scream at everyone and tell them, get the fuck away from me because I'm in a pissy mood. It's acknowledging it, hey guys, I've had a tough fucking day and I feel off. Like I say it to my girl all the time. If we're both very open about I'm pissy today, I don't know why. Like my bad if anything happens, but I'm just fucking pissy and I can't get myself out of it right now. So I just want you to know that. And I say that when I'm not in the mood, uh uh in that mode right away, because I don't want to snap at her and then go, ah, well I'm pissy and give it as an excuse. I want to address it when I know I'm in a bad fucking mood. I know my my mind is is dark right now, but I'm calm, so I could say, just heads out, I'm in a fucking mood today.

SPEAKER_04 26:26

And kudos on you for that because you're respecting your partner when your partner when you do that. I'm in a mood. You verbally saying that prevents an argument afterwards. Like she's gonna understand, hey, you know what? You used your words, you you emotions, yeah, and you're letting me know. So you know what? I'm gonna respect you. I might have a conversation I want, might want to have with you right now, but I'm gonna respect you because you're fixing your emotions and you're using your words. I'm gonna give you that space. And that in a whole just brings a great environment to the house that, okay, yo, when I feel a certain way, I'm gonna say it. I'm in tune with my emotions.

SPEAKER_01 27:05

Like, but I think too, uh, part of that, and part of what I want to teach my kids, and I think what generally society misses is when I say that my girl can still operate the way that she wants to operate. She does not have to bend herself to my mood. I'm just letting her know that you know, right now I might not be equipped to handle everything, and I might, you know, there might be a reaction. But she knows that if fucking, I don't, she don't really complain about me. But if my dog's barking and she says, What's going on? I she can she can still offer me direction. I want to make sure that you know what I resist from the society side of this new movement is you can feel that way. You can have big feelings, you can express those feelings to everyone, but it's not up to everyone else to adapt to your feelings. They can be cognitive of your feelings, they can understand what you're going through, but everyone's going through shit. So it's not up to everyone else to fix your problem and to and to just tiptoe around you. You have to understand that everyone else is dealing with things. Be open about your feelings so that they understand where you're coming from, but we have to, in emotional intelligence, also learn how to cope with our own feelings.

SPEAKER_04 28:26

A big thing I use at work when dealing with people on the production floor, and they're having a bad day or they're having a situation. I have empathy, bro. I have empathy, but sometimes the sympathy is not there. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'll understand what you're going through, but I'm not gonna be the pity party. You know what I'm saying? So express, but don't expect for everyone to adjust to your like you're saying, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:51

Yeah, yeah. Like if I'm having a bad day and we have plans, we're still going to do those plans. 100%. Fucking, I just need to check it and and figure out how to get through this. Yeah, right? It's not up to my girl to shut down her plans because I'm in a fucking mood. We've committed to something and we need to see that through, whether it's with family, with friends, we're we're going somewhere, it's a work thing. I can't let that influence her whole life. And I think that that's important for our kids to be able to see in us that it's okay. You feel like shit today, you got dumped, and you feel down, but we we we gotta go and do something. You still have to go to work, you still gotta participate. Family's still coming over. I get you're in your feelings, it's okay if you be quiet. It's there's no problem. Be open about that. Say, uh, I lost, I don't want to talk about it, but you know, so and so left me, or I lost my job today. It's okay to feel those, and it's okay to express those, and it's okay to set that boundary of I don't want to talk about it. You also need to understand that other people need to be themselves around you. So it's not up to the world to conform and convert itself to you as long as you're being transparent in yourself, you can deal with it however you want to deal with it.

SPEAKER_04 30:04

This is life we're talking about. Life doesn't adjust to your situation. You must adjust your situation to life, bro. That's how it's gonna be.

SPEAKER_02 30:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 30:15

And I like how he says you're it's okay to have those feelings. Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

But have the understanding that life still goes on, everyone else is still gonna have their own feelings and adjust to that, right? Well uh showing them that there's more human emotions than just happy and sad. There's there's we've we've we're human, there's it's a fluid thing. We've got anxiety, anxiety. Like, for example, I was going through work changes not by choice. Uh my job got bought by another company and there was a transition, and there was a about nine months of unknown like what's gonna happen after this. And then my kids would uh I had a coping mechanism. Yeah, I I've always been kind of artistic, so I got back into doing some art, and then my daughter's very artistic as well, so she would see what I was doing, try to replicate the art that I was making, we would make art together, and it was beautiful bonding, therapeutic, therapeutic right there coping with anxiety when she has anxiety herself, and uh so that's an important thing as well, you know.

SPEAKER_04 31:20

And there was a lesson taught within that. Yeah, wait a minute, Daddy. I could I feel a vibe, Daddy's off. He's stressed out. What's his go-to? Hey, let me sit down and paint something up, let me draw something. Hey, join in. Hey, I'm learning something right now. When I'm stressed out, when school ain't going the way it's supposed to go, when the boyfriend calls me on some bullshit. Hey, I'm not just gonna shut down and deal with this anxiety in the wrong ways. No, the example was set from daddy that hey, let me sit down behind here and just get my frustrations out on this canvas for myself. I like to work out. I've been doing this since I was like no joke, probably like nine years old.

SPEAKER_00 32:04

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 32:06

Now my kids know that okay, they observe maybe mommy and daddy are not on the same page. And instead of him going off the rails and screaming and yelling and punching a hole in the wall, daddy seems just to okay, stay respectful. He dips for like half an hour or an hour and a half and comes back and he's he's good. What's he doing? Oh, he's going to the gym. I tell my kids this, like, I don't go to the gym, yeah. I like to look good and everything, but it's a stress relief, bro.

SPEAKER_00 32:35

Feels good.

SPEAKER_04 32:36

When I'm boxing, and I had a stressful day with the production floor, or I just had a stressful day because you know, you guys were acting out of school, or I come home expecting something. It's like, yo, you know what? I'm gonna go punch this back. I'm not gonna take my feelings, my emotions, and dump it on you guys. I'm gonna step out of the situation, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, refresh. Okay, how are we dealing with this? An expulsion of energy. It's uh that's how I deal with my frustrations or whatever, you know?

SPEAKER_01 33:06

You're teaching your kids. Something they can use. Yeah, man. And I think it's what's what's key for emotional intelligence, why we need to focus on our toolbox and having soft skills in our toolboxes. I believe parenting is so much more than just what you say to your kids. You can tell them, talk about your emotions, you can tell them how to cope, go to the gym, draw a picture. But when they see you, the way you deal with it, Jeff, if if you were having a stressful time and you hit the bottle, that's what they're gonna see. Come on, because like like Ryan said, they'd feel like maybe you weren't talking about your emotions, you weren't saying, I'm stressed out about work because there's so much uncertainty. Maybe you didn't want to stress them out and it stress them out in that way, but they can feel that energy. They feel that energy and they look at what you're doing, and they go, okay, so whatever he's feeling, they'll learn what that feeling is, and they go, that's what he did. So I think there's so much more to just what we say and and what we tell them as opposed to what we do, right? And that's something that I'm learning as an expected father. I'm to the nth degree assessing what I'm doing. How am I doing things? Why am I doing things? Because it's it's such a reflection to our kids, right? How do I want to influence them? Again, I can tell them all the right things. I can read the books and look online to see what I need to say to them, but they're gonna learn from what I do. Actually speak louder than words, my friend. 100%. 100%. I think another one that's important for us to teach is navigating a difficult conversation. I'm sure we all have endless difficult conversations that we've had to have. Um, I know for myself, you know, before a differ I'm a I'm an overthinker. So I already have 25 conversations before I have a conversation, if you know what I mean. I sit in the shower and argue with my boss for the whole hour I'm in there, right? About various things. But addressing difficult conversations when you're uh, you know, in my 20s, uh and I had a significant other be like, hey, we need to have a chat tonight. And wouldn't give me any fucking context, my mind would spiral. I would come into that conversation assuming negativity. I would come in ready to fight what's coming to the table. It could be a positive thing. Hey, I bought us tickets for something, I'm gonna take us somewhere. I go, oh fuck. All day I've been anxious, I've been nervous. Or my boss on a Friday at 350 rings me up, says, uh, on Monday morning, we need to have a conversation about this customer and what's going on there. And then all weekend, all I'm thinking, I have hundreds of conversations prepping for that. And it might be again a positive one. It might be they're really happy with what you're doing on the floor and they want to come in and meet you, and or you know, we fucked up, and we gotta have that conversation. So I think planning for difficult conversations, having your kid, um, you know, how do you cope with the anxiety of of setting a boundary with someone? How do you and I I don't know right now, I don't know this. It's it's not something that I have assessed or have the awareness of how I prepare. I know I overthink, so I make sure that if an employee at work, I have to sit down with them and have a conversation about you know how they're treating another employee, unless it needs immediate attention. I usually prep for like an hour and have that conversation in my head and think about what I'm gonna say and think about what the the loophole is and what the outs are. I don't think that that's a great approach, it's just what I've learned. Um, but what do you guys think about you know the anxiety of having a difficult conversation? How do you teach your kids to uh sit down and bring up important things to them? How do you demonstrate to them that you're safe to bring up something that someone else might not like? You know, uh I don't like the the way you've been treating me. Or how do you address a fuck? I'm still learning. How do you sit someone down and go, Ryan, we gotta have a talk man yesterday the way that you were joking with me? It crossed the line. That's thinking about that if I had to have that conversation with you would make me feel anxious. We would have it, but I would feel anxious leading up until, right?

SPEAKER_00 37:37

I'll let you dive into this. I think best not to let it uh simmer for too long, just get right into it. If there's something that needs to be discussed or something that you need to do, the the waiting is the worst part. Once you get it over with, you feel you either feel better or you feel you still feel shitty. Um the the waiting just gonna kill you, and going over every conversation in your head is just it's just you're you're stressing about a situation that may or may not actually happen. Um you're living the the anxiety and the stress multiple times rather than just digging in, doing what has to be done, and it's getting it over with.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

I will say one one thing to add to that. Part of the reason why I think I'm at this point with going over the conversations is I know when I was younger. Come on, brother, I reacted. I was reactive. If I saw something I didn't like, you know, I was a bit jealous in my early 20s, saw my girl texting too much. She wasn't texting too much. Whatever she was doing is her fucking right to do on her phone. But in that moment, I would knee jerk. Well, who the fuck are you texting? You texting your other boyfriend? And that's it's not appropriate. I need to sit and you know, the emotional intelligence side needs to go, why the fuck are you so angry? Why is her being on her phone any of your business? Why is this creating a problem for you? What insecurity are you not addressing? So for me, uh uh, I agree. You do have to have an action plan for addressing this in a timely manner because sitting on something for months isn't healthy. Um, but what I've had to learn more recently, why I overthink, why I've developed that is so that I can assess is this a real feeling? I can I can still bring it up. I've brought things to my girl that I've had to sit on for a second and go, look, I just want to explain to you how something, how I perceived something. Uh I'm not making any assumptions, but I saw da-da-da-da-da, and this is how I felt about that. And I just want you to know that. Like, you know, maybe I've come to terms with at that point. I don't care what was going on. I just want to I just need to express how I felt about this situation. And I just don't know how you teach that other than demonstration, right? It's hand in hand, the emotional intelligence and difficult conversations, right? I think you need one for the other then.

SPEAKER_04 40:08

For me, it was the opposite growing up. I used to shut down when uh something was happening or that difficult conversation had to come out. It's like you have to pull the pull my teeth for me to open up, brother. Like it's something natural as a child that I did. It was like if I wasn't vibing it or I couldn't figure out how I felt about it, I just shut down. And I brought that into my older years. Me and my wife might not see eye to eye. We need to communicate on it, but because of who I was, not who I want to be, but who I was in in the moment, I'm just I'm just shutting it down because I'm not processing my or giving myself the chance to process my emotions of this conversation that might come up positive or negative. I'm not sure. I just shut down. So I think you really have to address you as an individual. What are you feeling right now? What's going on? How are you gonna handle this to have those difficult conversations and maybe you might just take maybe five minutes of like, okay, I get this text, we need to talk. Hey, let's not just automatically assume spin, just calm down, process it, and then when you get to that, be willing to draw on your emotions and have that conversation, difficult or not. So it's the hand in hand, you really have to be in tune with self and dealing with how you feel and stuff like that to have those difficult conversations. This is not work, like work. I'm a professional. I can analyze, I can get facts, but stepping out of work, okay, now I gotta look at self. Why am I feeling all this anxiety? Am I hiding something? Like, what's going on here, bro? Why are you getting so upset when your wife just wants to talk about um something she doesn't agree with or something that's on her mind or whatever you can't just break down and go silent, brother, like that's being selfish. You gotta analyze how you feel so you can sit down and be transparent and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 42:16

You know what? Um going back to getting the hard talk out of the way, you know what you guys say and you know, take a minute and think about it before getting into it. Like, if I've my daughter's frustrated, shh, that's not the time to discuss and teach lessons. And my partner said that, like, um not every moment needs to be a teaching moment. Come on, now sometimes, you know, if she you know, if she's my daughter's upset, she's not willing to have that conversation right then and there. We need to cool down first and then have a calm talk. Yeah. Um and again, my partner says not every moment's a teaching moment, and that that's true. Sometimes it's just you gotta get it out and then know that you're gonna get a hug after or whatever. Uh, and you can feel as those giant emotions, and you're still gonna have your family there, you know.

SPEAKER_01 43:16

The support system's not going anywhere. Yeah, yeah, that's good. I I think too, being like a uh that's something that I'm gonna have to remember. Being, you know, uh self-improvement based, listen to all these fucking motivational videos and all this shit. You need to remember not everything has to be a teaching moment, not everything has to be a let's dive into every aspect of this. It's just you know being present. And I I think that kind of brings us to um another good skill is active listening. Um, like you said, rather than you know, sitting there and she's feeling frustrated and she's in her emotions and she's learning how to deal with these. And you want to teach her a lesson about how to guide herself and see through this and yada yada yada. You just need to listen.

SPEAKER_04 44:08

Fully engaged, like engagement listening to not I hear you, but you're scrolling. Yeah. Or go ahead, I'm watching the game, but go ahead. No, no. Eye contact. This is your time. You have me fully that engaged type of interaction right there, right?

SPEAKER_00 44:25

That's going back to uh when we were discussing uh the the first 18 years. That's a peak amount of time we're gonna have with them, and it's just gonna slowly get less and less time together. If you're not present and you're only half uh in the moment, you're gonna be like, wow, time flew and where did it go? And I feel bad that I wasn't um there present fully 100% as as much as you possibly can. Um being present is one of the most important things, I think. With no matter what you're doing, like yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:03

And letting them letting them talk it, you know, guiding that conversation to let them feel safe to share their emotions because it's I would imagine not having this experience yet, but you know, putting work into play, it's it's easy to ask for feedback from that person about why why are you feeling that why are you acting that way? When they give you the answer, then getting defensive and trying to defend the point. Like you you've gotta let them talk. You know, stay silent. I I know one of the the biggest things I've learned at work as a leader in that environment is my silence is so much more powerful than when I speak. Yes. If I just stay quiet, people keep talking. Yes, and they you know, I'm someone myself who the more I talk, the more I work through what I'm dealing with. Just being able to hear something, if I express my emotion, then I go, fuck, why am I even mad about that? Sounds so ridiculous. The fact that I'm mad because my socks don't fit the way that I want them to. I just need to chill out. And I think us being active listeners and and you know, open uh asking open-ended questions back to our children so that they can explore their thoughts. Oh, almost like therapy, right? Like a therapist doesn't tell you what to do, doesn't tell you how to fix the problems. They just go, oh, so you're frustrated. Why do why are you frustrated? What's led to your frustration? And guiding them, you know, instead of telling them to talk about their frustration, ask them those questions and listen.

SPEAKER_04 46:39

Giving them the tools to dig deeper. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_01 46:42

Like and feeling fully involved, right? Like having someone look you in the eyes and say, Let's sit down, okay, let's just breathe for a second. Okay, what's going on? What's happening?

SPEAKER_04 46:53

And that feeling just that someone gives a fuck and you have their full attention so you can express, that's a like as a human being, that's a great feeling, bro. Like, you actually kind of give a fuck for real. Like you're giving me the mic, no noise, and I'm able to express, like, that's a big thing, just being a human being, bro. You know, not just to say a father or a parent or whatever, just giving that open mic to express, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:16

And you just said, like having somebody show that they're listening to you as a as a male that in the past, that wasn't always like nobody wanted to hear what the male just suck it up, be a man, you know. It's kind of nice that you can have somebody be present listening to you actively. It's nice.

SPEAKER_01 47:39

It's important. It's super important. I think I think that's you know, again, another quiet teacher is not just teaching them how to deal with their emotions, but showing them too how to actively listen. So that you know, as they become adults and people and their friends bring their problems to them, they go, fuck, let me let me listen to you. Because they know how it feels, right? Like I I've had buddies who our general personas with each other is just to talk about nostalgia, and but when they come to me and they go, Man, life sucks. Fuck, okay, let's have this conversation. What's going on? Because I've learned that I felt very hurt as a kid, right? Uh, I think something else that goes along with this. Now we could go through endless, endless soft skills. And I kind of want to end on one that Ryan mentioned earlier. Something that I know I kind of feel I lack a little bit is uh empathy and understanding, you know, the difference between empathy and sympathy. And that's something that I've always struggled with. So I'm not a very sympathetic person. I can understand someone's feelings, but I just try to, especially in the work environment, let's carry on. How do we get by this so we can keep on operating? Uh, but uh how do you teach your kids the ability to understand and share feelings with another person? How do you, you know, through active listening, through your own emotional intelligence, how do you teach empathy?

SPEAKER_00 49:14

I think you teach it by sh, you know, just demonstrating it, being there for your partner. Well, they're you know, kids, kids are always looking, you know, they'll they'll they'll cut that part. Okay, let me gather my thoughts here. Um just by demonstration, I think. Uh they they'll mimic what they see. If you see something a hundred times, eventually it's gonna, you know, sink in.

SPEAKER_01 49:41

I think too, like demonstrating to them um we all go through different shit. And what is a problem to you might not seem like a problem to me, but my problems might not seem like problems to you, right? So I think it's important for us that when our kid brings up the fucking they're having this problem at school that seems so minuscule, hon, you're gonna deal with that a million times more. Don't even worry about it, it's gonna come up. We're minimizing their problem. We're showing them to just dismiss things that we don't value. So I think it's important for us to demonstrate to our kids that although something is tough and doesn't seem important to us as adults, that they're still heard, that you're empathetic to that situation. Fuck, I really I understand, man, that's gotta be tough for you. I I get that what you're going through, you know, maybe not wording it, but your perspective of what that's going what that situation is is a big situation to you. And I think like Jeff is saying, through demonstration, through showing them that you can't apply your filter of life to everyone else, just because fuck I've dealt with that a hundred times, no problem, move on. We just checked that, it's done. If that's the first time someone's ever experienced that, this fucking rocks their world, right? I used to think uh I watched my mom as a single mom date different guys, break up, lose relationships. That's just natural to me, right? That's someone comes in, you pour into them, it doesn't work out, something happens. I see her get you know rocked emotionally, but move on. Whereas I know I had a buddy whose parents were together all of his life, and they divorced in his 20s, and that shattered his whole world watching that his mom and dad figure bust apart. I thought that's natural. People break up, someone else did something stupid, cheated, fucking left, decided not to be there. It is what it is, man. And at that time, in my 20s, that's what I had seen. That's that's not a problem to me. But to him, that his parents were rocks, they were the only thing that were steady in his life. He knew that no matter what was going on, when he went home, he still had that family structure, they were always together. So it I think empathy is understanding that although I've seen something different, that's super important to him, and still being there for him. I didn't handle the situation right at that time, but I think that that's the key maybe to empathy, right? So I think we've we've covered a lot of great topics. I think us uh uh there's a practical side. I think that we've gotta when we open up our toolbox, I'm I'm a gamer, so I always look at it like I gotta build my uh uh my handyman skills up. I gotta build that attribute bar full, right? When I'm creating my avatar, my my football player, and he's got endurance at 100, but his strength is at zero, he could run forever, but he's gonna get bricked when he gets tackled. Someone puts hands on him, he's injured. Now that player's gone. So you've got to, you know, almost look at it. I like to gamify everything. I gotta build up my handyman skills. They're there maybe 20%. Something breaks, I can't fix it. But I believe my you know, my fitness side is is filled up. I know how to tap into my nutrition, how to treat my body, how to uh to manipulate how I feel physically. Uh, I know the mental side, um, mental fortitude, how to handle situations, conflict resolution, discussions, how to uh learning how to better communicate, how to better uh actively listen. I think we as dads need to tap into these skills. We need to always look uh towards developing, editing our own skill set um to be the best fathers that we can be, right? You sound like he has 20 years in this game right now.

SPEAKER_00 54:02

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:03

So I think uh uh again, if we have any listeners listeners for this episode, we would love to know uh you know where where you feel your lack and what skills do you need to be brought up on. Um who knows? Maybe in the future we could do uh a workshop. Maybe we can go to an event where we all go to a woodworking class, maybe there's uh emotional intelligence uh workshop that we can come up with. Maybe there's a community we can start. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Something, a support group for people to have a better understanding of these things. Um, I'd love to know if you share it uh on any of your social medias, dad edit uh toolbox, let's call it that. Um hashtag that, tag Ryan Jeff or myself in that, and we can open up that discussion. Uh we gotta remember we're always growing, we don't have all the answers. Our toolkits aren't full, but you can always go to the store, get another toolkit, start adding to it.

SPEAKER_04 55:05

Um, like you said, you're a gamer, you could always level up. Level up level up.

SPEAKER_01 55:10

How do you like that? All right, well, we appreciate you guys listening. Uh, thank you so much. Take care. Good episode. Thank you. Yes, my friend.