Episode 47: Marriage After Kids - When You Start Feeling More Like Roommates

Marriage after kids can slowly start to feel less like a relationship and more like managing a household.

Who is handling daycare pickup? Did anyone order diapers? What is for dinner? Who is getting up with the baby tonight?

You may still love each other, share a home and work well together as parents but, somewhere between work, exhaustion, chores, bills and the constant responsibilities of raising children, you can begin to feel more like roommates than partners.

In Episode 47 of The Dad Edit Podcast, we have an honest conversation about what happens to marriage and relationships after having kids. We explore how couples become emotionally disconnected without a major argument or dramatic event, and how resentment, scorekeeping, exhaustion and the invisible mental load can create distance over time.

We discuss:

• Why marriage changes after children
• How parenting can push relationships into autopilot
• The damage caused by resentment and scorekeeping
• Why arguments about chores are often about something deeper
• How exhaustion affects communication, patience and intimacy
• The importance of recognizing everything your partner carries
• Why couples need to keep rediscovering each other
• How phones and routines can quietly replace real connection
• Small ways dads can rebuild friendship, affection and emotional intimacy
• Why checking in with your partner matters before either person checks out

The “roommate phase” does not always mean your relationship is broken. Sometimes it is what survival looks like during an exhausting season of parenting. But survival cannot become the permanent standard.

Your relationship cannot always receive the final ten minutes of your day, the last bit of your patience and whatever energy your children did not use.

This episode is for dads who love their partner but feel disconnected, couples struggling to reconnect after having a baby, and fathers who want to strengthen their marriage while raising a family.

Finding your way back may not begin with a vacation or an elaborate date night. It may begin with putting down your phone, expressing gratitude, offering affection, listening without defending and treating your partner like someone you are still trying to understand.

Send this episode to your partner and use it to start a conversation not an argument.

Follow The Dad Edit Podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube and Instagram for honest conversations about fatherhood, marriage, mental health, relationships and the realities of being a dad.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hey man, before we jump in, I have a quick favor. If you listen to this podcast and enjoy these conversations, please give us a follow wherever you're listening. Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, wherever it is. It genuinely helps push the podcast out to reach more dads who might need to hear it. We really appreciate the support. We're also running a dad walk on the third Saturday of every month at 11 a.m. in Kawanis Park. Uh it's a walk with no pressure, no speeches, no expectations. Come out, walk, talk, and connect. Just real conversations with dads. Follow us on Instagram at the dad edit podcast for our next dad walk date and all the details. All right, let's get into it. Episode 47. Marriage After Kids. When you start to feel more like roommates. This is a touchy subject. Before children, a relationship can feel spontaneous. You talk about what you want to talk about. You go somewhere because you feel like going there. You have time to notice each other. Then children arrive. And slowly, sometimes without either person realizing it, the relationship becomes a system for managing a household. Who's doing daycare pickup? Did anyone buy diapers? What time is this appointment? Who's making dinner? Why is the laundry still in the machine? Are the kids asleep? Who's getting up with them tonight? You can become incredibly effective parents, partnering parents, while becoming emotionally disconnected as a couple. You still love each other. You still share a home. You still function well together. But somewhere between work, exhaustion, parenting, bills, chores, constant responsibilities, the marriage begins to feel more like a roommate arrangement. In this episode, we talk about what happens to relationships after children, how resentment and scorekeeping create distance, why intimacy changes, and whether couples can find their way back to each other or not. It's not a good episode. Yeah, it's tough. This is a very tough subject, and it's tough to um shit. For me, it's it's tough to talk vulnerably um and articulate well. So I don't want to misrepresent any situations. Um, but we've we've had this episode, right? And we will have repeat topics and trends throughout this podcast because I think it's good for us to revisit to go back. Yeah, I think last time we talked about a partner episode, I was in the midst of not a difficult time, but we were in kind of this. We were in systems and who's doing what? And uh uh uh you know, when I was reading it, kind of rang through to me was the like, who's buying diapers today? We're we're out. Who's my you know, my girl was always taking care of that? It's just automatic. She wears them online, but when we would run out, I felt like shit, I should be paying attention so it doesn't happen. Yeah, and it's not that I need to check in on her, like, hey, are you good with with diapers? How are we doing? But it's it's because we're a partnership. And I think I think she had some frustrations at that time because I know she said, like, thanks. I I really appreciate if you are checking in to be like, hey, how's diapers, formula, and and and baby wipes? Just so that she's not the only one who's there all day, plus also taking care of that, plus taking care of other things that she does that I don't even fuck a notice, right? I think that that's how we start to move into this topic. I think that when you're just focused on these cis systems and taking care of the household and make sure everything's good, especially in the early years, it's easy for y'all to kind of move away from each other, right? You're still functioning as a unit, you're still moving together, you still know you've got each other's back, but it's like a coworker now. Yeah, and it can't be that. Yeah, it's you know, when when you were on Young and Gifted, you and Vaughn spoke about how uh how things change as a father, and and it's all about the children. You also have to remember your husband. Gotta remember your wife, yeah. You're your your fiancees, you're you're whatever you are, and y'all came first.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

And and at the end of the day, it'll be you two. The kids will be out, they'll be living their lives, and it'll just be you two. So you're a team from the beginning to the end, and it's you against the kids, not against the kids, per se a team to try and get these guys out flying on their own, kind of thing. And at the end of the day, you gotta when you're both in your 50s, you wanna still like hanging out with each other and to be able to go to on trips and and indulge and enjoy that time together. Have those golden years made. Exactly. Is that what they call it, right? Yep, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:52

I like that you said the main thing is that you guys are a team, right? So teams go through go through things, but teams also set systems in place that you don't have to think about. You just know that you've practiced this and it works, and that's okay. But just like anything else, we are human beings. And sometimes you gotta check yourself, take that moment to check where you guys are at. Yeah, communication thing starts coming in again, you know what I'm saying? But bro, like it's part of the journey. Like you guys are trying to build something great. You set things into place and you just see that it's working. You can't go into autopilot and not be so stressed. You just trust the process and know within that you kind of lose those fine gems of who you guys were at the beginning, but you guys are becoming growing into different individuals.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

That's something that's important too. I I I think it it that needs to be said out loud. Um, I was actually having a conversation with a guy recently, and we were talking he, you know, he went through uh breaking up with his the the parent of his kids and he said the the difficulty there. This is what he didn't realize is like we both changed. And that happens. Y'all physically, chemically, y'all have changed, your hormones have changed, you are different people. But you have to work uh towards learning that new person, you have to work toward learning your new self, yeah, right? That's you know, your your your wife, your partner, your whatever has gone through so much physical, mental change. They're not the same person. That same person is there, but they're dealing with a lot of shit. They're reacting differently, they're perceiving things differently, they're they're looking at the world differently because they have this this child now, and you have to be aware of this, you have to grow with that, you have to be conscious of that.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Definitely have to communicate that that that resonates, uh, as you know. Like I've uh was married previously, and and we were very young when we had our kids, and so I was in well, I was what, 22. A 22-year-old is very different than now 36-year-old, and um that lack of like I didn't have the experience, knowledge, and like I needed to communicate better, or anyway, like you said, people change, they grow. You're not the same person as you were in your 20s, as you are in your mid-30s. Uh, you've grown like and and the the kids do change you, right? You turn you you, I don't know, you grow, you turn into another person, and this is like the final form. Yeah, so yeah, yeah. Um, and which is completely different than how I was when I was 22. For sure. Which isn't as compatible with that person that maybe was compatible with before. Yeah. Um, so I re uh what this guy that you've been talking to, that definitely happens, and it's nothing to dwell on too hard. For sure. People do change, and it's okay, circumstances change. Um life is messy, and you know, it does work out.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Give give self and and and your partner that you're with um a chance to discover who they're becoming to through like with those, okay. So you guys are are building a family together, you put a systems into place. That's when I find um the within that growth, you start depending on the autopilot a lot. But use that time to self-reflect on who you're becoming, what your wife or your significant other is dealing with, and who they're becoming. Give you give give that room through the autopilot to just don't waste the autopilot. Like if you're just going through autopilot and shit's just like building up, you're just going through the motions, that's when it's wrong. But if you can use those um autopilot moments to self-reflect on situations, speak it out, like we say in almost every episode, using your communication, the self-talk, then it's all right to do that.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

But I think that's why it's important to still have a hobby, right? Have something for you so that you can you take a little bit of time for yourself to have reflections, to have like to just be in your own head and and and reflect on these things. How is my relationship? What am I doing? What am I not doing now that I used to be doing, right? If if before children, I planned a date night every week, and I do, you know, not even a date night. I just took her out on a date, and that was like a weekly thing that I did, and that's gone. That's change. You know, not the same man that she started dating. The person she fell in love with was active, went on hikes, uh uh uh wanted to go and run errands at any time, you know what I mean? Was down for an 8 p.m. uh uh DQ run. The person she's dating now, after children, I'm too tired. I don't go fucking time. I just want to lay on the couch, I just want to watch a fucking movie. You're different, right? That's changed. That's that's not fair to take that back and and not acknowledge it. Yeah, it's okay to say fuck girl. I'm I'm so fucking tired. Communicate, right? Be open about why y'all aren't going on dates, you know, because to her that's an interruption, something's changed, and and as we're talking about, we all change, but just remember what her expectations were. What was what were you setting as the expectation? And I shit, I speak from a a point of that's what we used to do. I used to be like, let's let's go out to to Dimmi's and then let's grab some beers after. I mean, we can't get beers after now because we go into London and we got a kid, but why can't we get a sitter and still go out for dinner?

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Yeah, yeah. Because I'm tired, you know what? You've got the wisdom and maturity now in at your age. Yeah, like for for um when I was 20, I had no wisdom. But I couldn't imagine being a dad when we were quite young. Lessons were learned, you know, the hard way. And now in my present time, I've got wisdom, I've got yeah, the maturity. I'm proud of who I've become. Wasn't as proud of my 20-year-old self, you know? Yes and and because I grew into something I like, and uh yeah, I've got the wisdom now. And what Andy, you've you're you're at an age where you're you're mature, you've got that experience. Yeah, it's mature because you're growing into it, yeah. You know, it's a process. You've got the wisdom to reflect. I wasn't reflecting on anything, then that's the problem, right? And you learn that the hard way, but now I'm proud that I know that kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 13:24

And you can, you know, I I don't want to air any of your laundry out, but you've like you've said in in your older years now that like you and your your kid's mom, like you guys work together so well. Oh, yeah. Like there's far less challenges, I want to say. Like you guys are just more on the same page now.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

Oh, it's now it's four adults against two children trying to hey the numbers are there. Like, we're all we're all like, oh shit, maybe we need to get together and like go meet at the school and to take care of this problem as four adults instead of two adults that are not getting along, kind of thing.

SPEAKER_02 14:01

Yeah, that's so people made. I only came through maturity and was that exactly.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

So I don't know, it's more powerful now than ever was, right? And we've got all everybody's on the same page now, which is so cool.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

Like it's it's just through what we've talked about offline, hearing your growth from your 20s is is wild. I couldn't, I was a fucking maniac in my 20s. I couldn't imagine trying to raise a child. That kid would have daddy issues for sure.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

But but maybe not, because say you're going through your 19, 20, you're being a hulligan, and then you've got this massive responsibility all of a sudden. Well, I was working freelance, uh, then I was working more, and then I got a stable job, and then I got a better stable job, and now I'm in a place where I can be like, oh shit, that progress like there was a reason to get better, yeah, yeah. Do better, and I don't know. Yeah, I think I don't think you would have dropped the ball.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

I think I would have been on the same path that same fucking time as I was in my 20s. Yeah, you're right, you're right. I think it forces you into some growth. Yeah, but you see a lot of men that don't, right? And I don't know if you know, some of the previous episodes that that we've talked about, you know, the resentment for who I was versus who I am, I don't know. For me in my 20s, that was very status-driven. It was very much about outside validation for me. So I don't know if would I have half-assed tried to be a good dad and tried to grow up for sure, but I would I still have been seeking outside validation? Would I have missed at the time what I thought I was gonna be missing? Possibly, right? Like it's there's a lot of what-ifs, yeah, obviously. Um do you guys think that uh uh uh uh couples can become more disconnected even without major conflict? You know, death of a thousand paper cuts.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

Like you said, um, you become different people, and maybe those people don't like each other eventually, right? You know, you different personalities, and I don't know, like it's nothing to it's just life, and it happens more often than not, right? Uh you grow and you I don't know, you you both enjoy different things. Maybe you both liked walk hiking before, and one person's now into I don't know, fucking karate. Karate, I don't know. That's anyway. I don't know where I'm going, but you do grow and you you change and your uh hobbies and interests, and if you're not communicating, then I'll say this, boys.

SPEAKER_02 16:48

Like number one, you made this choice to stick around. There's no iron fucking team. So you're gonna lose a part of yourself, and if you don't have that understanding that when you decide to be part of a union, start a family, you are gonna lose part of who you are, you're gonna transform into it. If you can't have that understanding and not be self-loathing or um not self-loathing, but so focused on who I could have been. Yo, fatherhood's not for everybody. I I I got families out there that you know tried. We got a dad that ain't there. You know what I mean? Yeah, but not for everybody, you know what I'm saying? But when you consciously make that decision, bro, like it comes with sound repetitive, but it comes with growth. Your old self dies. A new self is re is resurrected. Same thing with your wife. Don't only be so focused on you, bro. Like she made a whole lot of sacrifices, like you said, emotionally, physically, just not the same person. So there's gonna be a point through this, through this union that you guys are developing, and you just once again you depend on the autopilot, and it kind of feels like you guys are roommates. That sounds kind of harsh to me. I feel like you guys are discovering yourselves who you guys are through the through the the union, through this, through this growth, and sometimes silence is needed, and you depend on the fucking systems you put in place.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

I think I think leaning into the autopilot side is where the roommate thing comes in, right? If you guys are just too focused on months of like the system's working, let's just do it. I go to work, I come home, I pick up the Amazon diaper order, I bring it inside, I take my dog out, I play with him, he goes to bed, we sit on the couch, we plan our phones, and then we wake up. And like there's no effort if you just sit in autopilot, months go by and you're like, When did we kiss last? When did I say, damn, girl, you look fucking good? When did I give her a compliment last? You have to be active, you have to bring yourself to the present. Yes, autopilot's good when you're fucked up and you're tired and you're stressed at work. You gotta do a check-in. Yeah, I think you've you've said it before that you've you've done check-ins with your wife. Um sit down, and you're like, How are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 19:38

It does creep in too, like without you noticing, okay, it's been a hard week. Yeah, okay, then it's been a hard month. So you you're like, oh, let's just go with the flow, do what is easy, let it be messy in here for a little while, and then a year goes by, and you're like, Oh fuck, we've been just coasting for a while, and then all of a sudden, you know, you find yourself in a situation, but um checking so yeah, autopilot is a survival thing, but you do gotta bring yourself back to the present, yes, and check touch base, like you guys have been saying, that that's important, and that kind of comes with wisdom.

SPEAKER_02 20:16

Yeah, you know, this is a hundred percent, this is a lifetime type of thing. You're doing you're in this for the long run 20, 30, 40 years. Okay, you'll have a year or two every now and then where you're surviving on that survival mode autopilot, but it's consciously your responsibility as the head to check in, to set that precedent. And then your wife sees that, okay, he does give a fuck he checks now and then, and then she plays her role too, because it can always be on you. This is a partnership. Set the example, you know, and she'll fall in into place and check in as well sometimes. If not, voice that. Why is it always me checking in? Like this ain't this ain't easy. I'm struggling. Like I I feel like I don't know you. I feel like we're strangers in the same home. Bring that shit up. Don't be scared to be the one that brings it forward, but don't also hold that expectation, everything on you, bro. You still like it can't be only you. It's a partnership for a reason. You know, have those difficult discussions. When you see that I'm just in the zone, babes, yo, tap on my shoulder sometimes. Sometimes I'm just so focused on being a responsible father because this is what I wanted for myself. Tap on the shoulder, babes. Have to have a conversation. Okay, it can't always, it can't, it cannot always be on you. It's a partnership for Lisa Brother.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Check in, don't check out.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Yeah, hey, preach that. I like that. I like I like going down this this path of um resentment, scorekeeping, and the invisible load. Do you guys think most arguments about chores are actually about chores, or does the chore represent something bigger?

SPEAKER_02 22:00

That could be the case. It can be about chores. You're just a fucking asshole, so focused on self, and you're you're putting it all on her because you think you're out there providing or whatever. It can just be as simple as it's about the fucking chores. You'll bump into that. But sometimes it's deeper rooted. And you gotta be prepared to have that difficult conversation with yourself. Because if you can't acknowledge it, no one could fucking force it into your head. That's me.

SPEAKER_01 22:27

That's me and my girl, we don't often fight. But do I get in my feelings? For sure. And a lot of it stems to this deeper reason. Usually the re I think the reason why I don't argue with her is because I do a lot of self-reflection and I think like, why am I mad about this being here? Yes. And you know, a day, two days, I'm like, what the fuck? And then I pick it up and then it's there again. And then I think back, I'm like, why am I feeling like this? What am I? She didn't do that, but she's cooked a meal for me every fucking night that I come home. Every night that I come home, she puts food on the table. And often she goes out and buys the food to put on the table that she then makes. And I'm mad because of X, Y, Z over here. Yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like I need to look at the bigger picture here. This is pissing me out. Then fucking deal with it yourself. If it's that big of a deal, clean it up. Right? And I'm just picking a thing randomly. But I I, you know, I find that not communicating um something or or getting in my own head about something. I I just get so focused on how it's affecting me. Yeah, I'm going to work all day, and then I come home and I'm looking after him and score keep, score keep, score keep resentment, resentment, resentment. I have all this shit on my shoulders. She should do she's doing shit too. That kid is growing up. He's talking, he's happy, he's developing personality, he feels safe, he's alive, he's well fed, he's a big boy, she's doing a great fucking job. So this, whatever this thing is, this metaphorical thing that's bothering me in that moment. Look at all the shit she's doing. Before you fucking get pissy about stuff, you know what I mean? Scorekeeping, I think, is the biggest detriment to I don't know if as late as you guys are in in relationships and in children, but definitely in the phase that I'm in, that's where I find my biggest conflict comes from is when I start to score keep things. When I start comparing what she does versus what I do.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

That comes from exhaustion, too. You're both you're both running on fumes. So when it's like, oh fuck, I need to wash these three forks, or we don't have anything to eat with tonight. That's when you're like, but I've been away. How am I supposed to wash? I wish they were already washed, kind of thing. So you're probably just running on fumes, getting pissed off at each other over small things when like you know, if you were recharged, you just come back from a vacation, you're like, but well, let me just wash these seconds. So true. Takes no time at all. You just don't have the energy. So maybe uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:19

Exhaustion is a big part because it is. So I on the garbage guy. I always take it since we before we had children, I'll take the garbage out. It's not a big thing. I don't need a big pound in the back. But you know what I mean? I'll take the garbage thanks, man. It's hard work. Yeah, man. I take the garbage out. That's always been something that I've always done. There's times where I'm resentful that I'm taking the garbage out now that we have a kid, and there's times where it's just automatic. This is just well, what if I can do? That's such a weird feeling, it's such a weird thing, and it's that's how I know when I'm exhausted or when I'm I'm overwhelmed, is when I'm like, fucking, I gotta take the fucking garbage out every fucking time. It's because you decided to. You're doing this, it's not a problem any other day. Just like she's not bitching you about how she makes you a big fat ass dinner every night, right? Right, you take garbage out, so what? That's what you do. She's it's not what she does cook dinner, it's what she's choosing to do. She's not throwing it in your face. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, you have to be fucking reasonable to think about why I get pissed off. Uh, you know, as males, I think you need to be emotionally intelligent. I think you need to be in control of your emotions and not just knee-jerk react. Not do this passive-aggressive huffing and puffing because I'm taking the garbage out. Nice if someone else did this. You know what I mean? Because that shit's gonna come back to you real quick, and now you're creating problems. That's where scorekeeping happens, creating that space between where it becomes like roommates.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Fucking guy, I'm always washing the dishes. The fuck, bro? Like, I didn't I know we're both paying rent here. Why can't we exhaustion could play a part in that name saying, but it's for you to be mature enough to acknowledge the warning signs, bro. Look at yourself for a saying a hundred percent.

SPEAKER_01 27:16

Why am I getting mad about something that I do anyways every other day of the week? Oh shit, I'm overwhelmed. Oh, work has been busy. I haven't been going to the gym. I've been eating like shit. I'm broke. I gotta tell my girl, I gotta talk to her. Hey, I'm stressed. Yeah, man. Just off lo with that shit. Yeah, like the I always feel bad because I want all of our conversations to be unique and individualized to the topics they're talking about. But oh fuck, that's the same shit. Come on, consistency, communication, fucking talk about the way you're feeling to your partner. I I feel very uh blessed for the partner that I have because she has so much grace with me when we both lost our cool. I've like gotten mad, yeah. And we don't even have to address it because we know like you were overwhelmed. I got it. Like it well, we would over we would address it if we needed to. Yes. I was about to say, don't fall into that pitfall of where you you avoid it doesn't have to be avoidance, but no, she's you know, she's very good at like we both were heightened at an overwhelmed situation. I lost my cool or she lost her cool. I know that was a one-off. Yeah, she knows that was a one-off. It's cool. We just move on, but we're we also don't there's never been an attack on each other. It's not like I just lose my cool because I'm I'm overwhelmed and I just storm out and fucking just go be by myself for an hour. And she knows that that happened, she's done things, but it's never like a fuck you, blah blah blah. Those would have to be addressed, yeah, obviously, right? Once there's name calling and yelling and shit like that. Um, but I should be very lucky, you know, for the partner that I have and and what we're the way that I am, um the amount of grace that she has with me is uh phenomenal.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

You get frustrated over a sock being left out on the ground, and at the end of the day, when you're less tired and you think about it, you're like over a sock? Yeah, the fucker. Man, that's not that big of a OPU. So it's like, yeah, exhaustion. But maturity, as you as you mature, you come to realize, you know, those those things.

SPEAKER_02 29:24

And the willingly willingness to just learn through the situation, bro. You know, through the marriage, through this building of the family, the the willingness and not having that stubbornness of focus of self. No, I think it's very selfish when you're only focused on how you feel. You know what I'm saying? Making the decision to be around, to be present, to take on this responsibility, you have to understand that you're going to have to basically kill self. Not lose self. No, how am I gonna say this? You don't want to totally lose who you were, but you're always developing into someone new for sure. So, what are you really fucking battling, bro? If you have to understand that there it there's gonna be growth in this, why are you so focused on who you were? Focus on who you're becoming with grabbing those nuggets of what made you the best version of yourself and trying to implement it on this journey now. But being who you were at 20, fucking give me a break, bro. Give me a break.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

Bro, I wish I just had the knees and the back of my 20-year-old son.

SPEAKER_02 30:43

It don't even feel the same, like it's always moving forward, like you're always growing. So, like, remember that, and also remember that this beautiful woman sacrificed her body, her mental state for you, motherfucker. She decided to carry this child for nine months. So, you know what? It's okay for her to still have this expect a little bit of an expectation of the some the spontaneousness, the connection used to do. That's what you had, like as a father, as a husband, as just a good individual, as a fucking man, you need to step up and understand that that's part of your responsibility too. And by you doing that, she will reflect what you're doing, right? And you'll avoid the fucking whole two, three years of being an autopilot and feeling like roommates. Take that step forward to do those little special things that you used to do. You gotta grab the the good things of yourself when you're first met. Have an understanding that you guys are developing, like I just said, into new individuals. But grab those nuggets so she still has that um security of that you wanna be there. You know what I'm saying? That you haven't changed your fucking mind. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like make that that conscious effort. Anto used to say to me all the time, uh, when say in the younger years, I used to be like, eventually we'll do it. I'm gonna work this out. Eventually, we'll have a better, eventually we'll go out. That future needs to come. No, and she's always say that to me. It used to get me frustrated in my younger years. I'm trying, Anto, to get us there. But she's like, but we're building a family. So while we're trying to get there, what are we doing in the present time as we move forward to the plan and the goals? What are we doing to make it memorable now?

SPEAKER_03 32:46

Oh fuck.

SPEAKER_00 32:48

Yeah, I always thinking about the goal too. It's kind of tricky, you know, like because the childhood is happening now. Like, uh, for example, I didn't I had, you know, growing up as a millennial, you get taught you go to school, then you get a job, then you can buy a house. We can't buy it. It's hard to buy a house in Canada right now. Yeah. So I'm like raising my kids in a rental apart apartment. This is their childhood at home. Because by the time I'm able to afford a house, it's going to be they're going to be young adults. So this is the childhood at home. Let's make it as nice as I can. Let's make it as comfortable, let's give them what they need. Um, let's take pictures because we're gonna look back and be like, this is where I grew up, kind of thing. So the fut like it's happening now. Yeah, those those kids' lives are this is what it is. This and your future will be they'll be 20 by the time you get to that ideal spot where you own the house, maybe. Maybe you won't own the house, maybe the plan will change halfway along that journey. Oh yeah. And uh don't take those those present moments for granted, too. And don't take the things, so actually, what you were saying, say your your wife cooks you dinner every night, and that's what you've been you've gotten used to, and now you're taking it for granted, and then the one night she's not feeling well, and it's not there, and then you get pissed off. You've taken it for granted. This kind thing that she's done, always done that you really appreciate you've let it kind of become a less special, maybe. Yes, 100%. Yes, yeah, and and then yeah, it's probably I agree.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

I feel like there is no role, you know what I mean? We we all pick up the pieces. Relationship is not 50-50, it's 4951, it's 3070, it's 2080 at different points. It's like 95, right? That's okay, that's it's super important. I've I learned that at a younger age, seeing that resentment in people of that expectation. That expectation's unrealistic that she's gonna cook me dinner every night. No, it's a privilege that she cooks once, yep. You know what I mean? And treat it that way. If you approach it like you are thankful that she cooked you dinner every single night, she will continue to cook you dinner as soon as it becomes the expectation. When I walk in the door, I go, I should cook fucking dinner tonight.

SPEAKER_02 35:40

Okay, it turns back into that as soon as that expectation of well, he's supposed to take out that garbage every fucking Thursday. Yeah, why is it steak in this fucking house? The same way you were feeling like, why the fuck do I gotta fucking take out this garbage when you're having her off days?

SPEAKER_01 35:55

It's the same reflection of your partner. Like, oh yeah, fuck. And I gotta say, taking out the garbage is way easier than cooking dinner. It's if I'm getting busy about that, she's definitely getting mad that I wasn't appreciative enough. So I, you know, you call me out if I'm wrong. I'm pretty sure that I said thank you. Every every meal she cooks, thank you. I appreciate it. This is so good. Really appreciate it. Thanks for cooking dinner tonight. And then you know, I do the cleanup. But I I like that, I think it's very important. If you're listening to this, be thankful to your partner for what they fucking do for you. It will come back to you. Yes, they will be thankful back. I've you know, if if I'm feeling like I'm in my head about scorekeeping and things like that, what I try to do, and this isn't always what I do sometimes, I'm just genuinely thankful. I project thanks and gratitude. I want to be thanked, so I'm gonna thank. Let's lead by example. Let's be my my girl cleans up the kitchen. She just did a little tidy. Thanks for cleaning that up. I really appreciate that. And it's so simple. You know how good it feels when I when I do a little stupid task and she's like, hey, thanks for doing that. Ah, I feel seen. Like it's nice, right? Set that expectation, do that yourself. Be thankful to that person, your partner, your mother, your family when they do something for you. Be fucking be grateful.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

Yeah, we'll come back. Be grateful, be thankful. Don't take people for granted. No expectations. Yes, expectations, so check in, don't check out.

SPEAKER_02 37:27

It's these little things, these small little things that just add up together that will produce so much less stress in the long run by doing these little fucking nuggets. The little things count.

SPEAKER_01 37:43

Yeah, man. So I think let's let's talk to the dad who is maybe noticing that he needs to do some repair, who uh, you know, is waiting for the romance to happen. Who's like, you know, you have to be proactive here, right? We have to rebuild this friendship. Yeah, I said it, I said it the other day, and I watched my girl light up because I said, Oh man, I was looking at my kid. I'm like, dude, you're my best friend. And I thought, shit, I need to include her because she was my best friend first. I said, me and my best friend made my new best friend, and now we're all best friends. I said, This is so cool. And I watched her light up, acknowledging her, right? You have to start with the friendship that you guys had. You're maybe your relationship started out of lust and attraction, but you became best friends with this person. That's why y'all are fucking so tight, yeah, right. When you move into this roommate state, I wasn't best friends with my roommates. We lived together. Were they cool to hang out with once in a while? We like cross paths in the communal space for sure. But that's your best friend. Treat them that way. Talk to them. How are you doing? How was dinner? How was blah blah blah? What'd you get up to? Like, you have to establish this emotional connection. You have to be proactive. If you're a dad and you're listening to this and you're in this stage where you're like, fuck, we've been an autopilot, we're a bit disconnected. I'm feeling a little resentful.

SPEAKER_02 39:15

How do if this is how you feel? 110. I've been married 21 years. Like you start off of individuals, you become one. If you're feeling like this, Andy, or whoever to the to the father out there, if this is how you're feeling, I'm telling you 110, she's feeling the same way. They feel it a lot longer than you. Yes. They'll they give grace. Oh, yeah. They give grace, right? They'll tune in. So if you're realizing this now, please believe she realized it months ago. Yeah. But she's giving you grace. Yep. Because she loves you and she loves what you guys created, and she's sacrificing self to give you time to realize what's up. Jump in, jump into your emotions. When you realize these things, don't be scared to fucking speak it out. Because your partner is on the same page way before you were.

SPEAKER_01 40:03

Like I don't want to be alarmist or anything, but I, you know, I forget what the podcast was that I was listening to, but it was a relationship expert. What he said is when women come to you and they say, I don't think this is working. She's thought about that for a year. Come on, dog. That shit wasn't we're impulsive. We think a couple things happen and we go, fuck this. This isn't working out for me. It's usually because it's a a more recent incident. Men don't often go a year, two years, three years putting up with shit trying to make it work. We to a fault impulsively react, right? Women may they've been giving you chances, you haven't seen it. So when they come to you, you're fucked.

SPEAKER_02 40:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 40:48

So dress it first. Start rebuilding this friendship, man. Connect emotionally. If you were physical with your girl, if you were an affectionate person before and that stopped, reassure them. Be affectionate.

SPEAKER_02 41:04

Yo, take in your fucking partner's time and just indulge in that shit, man. The last six eight months, I've been realizing with my young adults that it's gonna be us again. I got to get back to that feeling of just enjoying her presence. Taking in Anto's our time together. And in engulfing in it, in taking it in. I just enjoy honestly enjoy being around Antel, like when we go out for a drink or whatever. I enjoy her presence these days. It's rejuvenating something in me. And I'm not as scared of what's to come when my kids really decide to leave the mess. You know what I'm saying? I'm honing in, like, I forgot my phone when I went on vacation. A lot of people, yeah, a lot of people heard this at work and stuff through my daughter. Oh, yeah, my dad forgot the phone. Like, I got back to like, oh, I heard you forgot your phone. How did you do that? Bro, at first, I was like, fuck, I'm not gonna be able to capture any memories or whatever. But I just let lived in the moment, bro. I must have been so filled. What so awesome is a time where we didn't have phones, right?

SPEAKER_00 42:25

That's when everybody was present. Memories are built.

SPEAKER_02 42:29

Like I could watch her reaction to things and take those reactions in. I could truly see that she was absorbing the time with me and grateful that we did this. I would have missed that shit if I had my phone buried.

SPEAKER_00 42:44

Well, you're trying to capture it through the screen. Yeah, you're not actually absorbing it, you're capturing it for later. So you can scroll and be like, Oh, but you're never gonna look through those 500 pictures. Like I've been taking pictures, like we went on a trip not long ago. I took some good pictures, but a few pictures because I was just trying to be present, you know. I'm like, okay, I just gotta get that quick, put put the phone away, be there. And it feels better rather than looking back because I can Google pictures of places and be like, oh yeah, I remember seeing that kind of. But I want to feel that place.

SPEAKER_01 43:21

I wanna, you know, I find the toughest part for me is we go out for dinner, we go out and do things. It's it's I find it easier to not be on my phone because that's like an experience, we're doing something, but at home, uh I need to not be on my phone at home. That's the toughest part, man. Like, it's when we're out doing stuff, I'm excited because we're doing something together. I'm I'm stoked for that. When we're on the couch and we go three hours, and now it's bedtime, and I'm like, oh I don't think we talked about anything tonight. Like, I don't even know if I Said anything to her for the last three hours. We we put on some trash TV shows, maybe sent a couple comments to each other, but otherwise, I'll just doom scrolled. But that routine feels good sometimes, bro. I'm not gonna lie. Once in a while, though, but it can't be you shift into this room. Exactly. When you're on autopilot, that's when it's the problem. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:19

Because the reality of the fact is, man, you guys are dedicating so much energy to the family. Those nights of scrolling, and she has her feed on your fucking lap, and you guys can just, you know, take time for self while being in the same room is okay. Just don't make it regular. Yeah, like that's what I'm saying with moderation, bro. That's that's life. Don't beat yourself up because you went three days of the week and just taking a breath, growing whatever. But at least two days of that week, the focus is on fully on wifey, and maybe okay, links down, let's go step outside in the back, get some fresh air, fucking look at the stars or whatever, just shoot the shit without our phones. It's you consciously making that decision to do things like that will that will keep you away from that roommate mode. Yeah, 100%, bro.

SPEAKER_01 45:17

Um so uh a couple of things for you and your phase. There was some sayings and some quotes, some things that I was seeing that uh you know I as I read them, I want to make sure that I hang on to. So in 20, 25 years, these are the things that I come back and revisit. And it's it's uh a saying was what would it look like if you started treating your partner like someone you're still trying to get to know through this whole phase, especially if you know your your partner's changed, you've changed. You should be rediscovering who this person is. What is their they've different interests, they have different likes. Me and my girl, we were obsessed with horror movies. That's gone. Since I had a kid, I can't watch them. I feel sick watching horror movies now.

SPEAKER_00 46:10

The problem with horror movies. This is the problem. They start, they always start with a big traumatic thing that happens, and it usually involves kids.

SPEAKER_02 46:19

Yeah, nowadays, especially like it makes you like sick.

SPEAKER_00 46:25

They purposely do that so that they could set up this the trauma and the story and blah blah blah. But it's like, oh fuck. 1408, the the movie 1408. Do you remember that one with the haunted hotel room? Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember I loved that movie, and then I went back and watched it. I forgot all about this fucking part about the kid, and I'm like, oh, it's fucking depressing.

SPEAKER_01 46:47

But things change, your likes, your what you're interested in. That's that was something that we both watched a lot of.

SPEAKER_02 46:54

That's changed. I think that's the beauty of marriage and being a father, though. How boring would it be if you guys just stayed the same from when you guys met 100% to fucking 21 years?

SPEAKER_01 47:03

But it's important to continue to rediscover, yes, right? Like it keeps it interesting, bro. 100%. And I think that's kind of the phase that you guys are going into. Hell yeah. You're a rediscovering yourself. What's Ryan like without kids at home that need him? What's wifey like now without young women that she's trying to be the example for and and and understand and diagnose and see the problems before they see the problems? What's she now look like? Y'all are beautiful people, so it's it's I'm excited to see you two. I can't wait to go out with you two.

SPEAKER_02 47:39

We we went to our our spot, we we claimed the spot. I actually want to talk to you guys off camera about this. Um this is a new spot in London, Highbury and Oxford. It's called Tamasha. We've claimed this spot. Like the ambiance is awesome. Last night they had an Afro Beats, um, Bollywood type of vibe. Hell yeah. Uh, we know the the head manager there, he treats us like fucking celebrities. He he gets the enjoyment out of our reactions to like the drinks he makes and the foods that he gave to us. And it's like so got back from my vacation, been working hard, been putting in overtime, worked Friday, worked Saturday, tired as fuck. But you know what? I made a commitment on Thursday saying, you know, let's go have a drink on Saturday. She saw that I was visibly like fucking tired. And I could have just sucked into that and used her compassion to be like, I just want to. But I I consciously told myself, what is a fucking drink with her beautiful life? What is a half hour go have a drink? Turned into about an hour and a half. It was about 12:30. We were in there, we're just vibing, having drinks. Hey, and you're still getting into the conversation, shout out, you know what I'm saying? What is it to take that little bit of time to bring a spark out into your life?

unknown 49:00

It's nothing, bro.

SPEAKER_01 49:01

It's nothing, but it'll go so far. It's a drop in the bucket.

SPEAKER_00 49:05

Telling you.

SPEAKER_01 49:10

We should all go out there, bro.

SPEAKER_02 49:11

When we go, I'm telling you, it's gonna be a vibe. It's gonna be a vibe, right? I'm telling you, they dress up either or ambiance is a wow, pie. We should go, but you can go casual too. But the food, shout out to Tajma on Fucking High Berry. The food, the flavors, it's it's crazy. It looked beautiful. Oh crazy. Hell yeah. This I knew's our happy hour spot.

SPEAKER_00 49:33

Let's let's let's uh connect with them on Instagram.

SPEAKER_02 49:37

Telling you shout out to them and what they're doing and what they're trying to bring to the city of London for sure.

SPEAKER_01 49:44

Yeah, hell yeah. Um, okay, so a a closing reflection here. Relationships change after children. That does not automatically mean your relationship's broken. Sometimes the roommate phase is what survival looks like during the exhaustion season season. But survival cannot become the permanent standard. Your relationship cannot always receive the last 10 minutes of your day, the last bit of your patience, and whatever energy your children didn't use. Because underneath the schedules, the responsibilities, the routines, there's still two people who are choosing to be with each other. Fuck right. So maybe finding your way back does not begin with a vacation, a perfect date, or suddenly recreating the relationship you had before your children. Maybe it begins with noticing each other, listening without defending, taking responsibility without being asked, referring affection, offering affection without expectation, and remembering that you are not only raising a family together, you are trying to remain a couple inside of it. Hell yeah. Send this episode to your partner and use it to start a conversation, not an argument. Ask each other where you feel connected, where you feel alone, and what you both need more of. Follow us on Instagram at the dad edit podcast and watch for our next dad walk announcement. I think you know, on our Discord, we should start a relationship channel. I think it would be a good place for dads to just check in.

SPEAKER_03 51:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:19

Um, we do fitness, we do food. You know, shout out the guys that are over there. We just had someone join up recently. Um, it's a small community, but it's it's meaningful, man. It's it's been cool to see people do check-ins. People are coming on there proud about their fitness journey, they're sharing it with us. Um, I check in almost every day. Jeff gets notifications.

SPEAKER_00 51:40

Yeah, yeah. Josh's uh fitness journey is inspired me to get back to the gym. So I actually on Friday finally got back to it because of his his commitment to it.

SPEAKER_02 51:50

So I'm shout out uh Bashito Boxing. Oh, we're about to go in, boys. Once we were on the same page and Voltron Forms, we're about to go in. Yeah, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:03

All right, thank you guys. We is all we got. Take care.