S03 E03: Not Everyone Who Claps for You Is For You

In this episode, Tabitha J breaks down a distinction that many overlook—especially while growing, building, and stepping into new levels of responsibility. Because while support can be encouraging and visible, access is personal… and it carries influence.

This conversation challenges how you think about the people around you—what they have access to, how they show up, and how their presence impacts your ability to move with intention.

If you’ve ever felt the need to explain your boundaries, questioned your instincts about certain dynamics, or found yourself navigating unnecessary tension… this episode will help you approach it differently.

Thanks for listening to Poised for Purpose with Tabitha J.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

What's up everybody? It's another Monday, and welcome back to Poise for Purpose, the space where identity meets strategy, and you get the clarity, confidence, and courage to lead well and live well. Knowing that how you move matters just as much as what you know. I'm your host, Tabitha J. I'm your voice of strategy and purpose. And I'm also someone who has learned, sometimes the hard way, how important it is to be mindful of who's around you while you're in that season of growing, or as we now say, that season of becoming. And so today we're gonna get into something that requires both awareness and discipline. We've covered experience, we've talked through discernment, and now it's time to apply both. Today we're gonna deal with the difference between receiving support and granting access. Because the truth is this, not everyone who claps for you is for you. So, support and access, they're not the same thing. And let's deal with both real quick. Support for the most part is encouragement, it's someone who can celebrate you, acknowledge what you've been doing, maybe even speak well of you in a room that you're not in. And that matters, it really does. But support that can come from anywhere, it doesn't actually require closeness, you know? Now access, that's different. Access is proximity, it's who gets to hear your thoughts in real time, it's who gets to speak into your decisions, who has the ability to influence how you move. And you know that it requires both discernment on your end and a level of proven consistency on theirs. Because just because someone supports you, that doesn't automatically mean they should have access to you. So let's simplify things by just saying it this way: support can be public, but access that's always personal. Now, as I'm saying this, I don't want you to assume the extreme here. This isn't about being distant, right? It's more so about being structured. Because access that can actually create influence for you, whether you intend it to or not. You see, the people closest to you they'll impact how you process things, how you make decisions, and sometimes how you move. And you know, when that influence isn't healthy or even consistent, it can start to make you second guess yourself, or even question what you're picking up on. You know, those vibes. And that's not something that you can afford, especially when you're trying to move with intention. So the question shouldn't be, do they support me? That shouldn't be something for forefront in your mind, right? Because that shifts your focus away from your assignment and that puts it on your surroundings, and that's not a good thing. A better question that should sit with you sometimes is what changes when these folks are close? That brings you back into a safe place of awareness where you can actually assess what's happening in the room. So then from there, you gotta pay attention to patterns. We're not talking about performance, and definitely not even moments, because we all have great moments, but we're talking about patterns. How someone shows up when things are visible, how they show up when they're not. You know, when you're off stage and those performance lights are down. Notice the things that are consistent, pay attention to what shifts depending on the environment, and notice what shows up when there's actually something to gain. Now, when that happens, you don't have to label it, you don't even have to confront it, but you do need to see it. Alright, you gotta recognize it. And so before all those things become really obvious, the problem is a lot of this gets misread. When you've had spent time with someone, that can get mistaken for trust, you know that familiarity that gets mistaken for agreement, you know, that you're in alignment with someone, and when you have that history with people, that can get mistaken, believe it or not, for capacity, whether someone can actually handle you correctly, and when you move from that place, yeah, you're given out access based on comfort and not consideration. And please hear me, those are not the same. So, to bring this all together, here's a simple way to think about it. Bottom line, everybody doesn't get the same version of you. Some people get the updates, some people get full-on access, and then a very small number actually get the ability to influence you. And don't feel guilty about that distinction because that's not favoritism at all. That's just your structure. That's knowing what each space requires and assigning people accordingly. And as a leader, that becomes non-negotiable because proximity actually affects your impact. You don't need to explain every single boundary or announce your adjustments. You just make the shift and you stay consistent with it. Over time, people learn where they stand, not even by what you say anymore, but how you move. So just know applause is easy, but access, that part is earned. And if you don't learn the difference, you mess around and give proximity to people who were only meant to observe from afar. And I know this isn't always easy to navigate. It takes awareness, it takes some discipline, and sometimes it requires making adjustments that not everyone's going to understand. But I know you can do it. You can recognize what needs to shift, move accordingly, without all the over-explaining and without the guilt and without hesitation. That is growth. And as you grow, just know the right people, they won't be confused by your boundaries. They'll respect them and they'll be right there to walk out the journey with you. If this episode encouraged you, share it with someone who needs to be reminded that support doesn't equal access. Tag me on Instagram or even Facebook at the Tabitha J with your biggest takeaway. And do not forget, don't forget to subscribe so you're ready for everything that's coming up next. Until next time, I'm Tabitha J, and this is Poise for Purpose. And as always, stay poised, stay purposeful, and it will be powerful. I'll see you next episode.