The Love That Almost Killed Me : My Truth Retold

Some stories need telling again 🥀

In this episode, I sit down with my friend Cassie to retell my story not for sympathy, but for truth. One year on, with the court case behind me and my nervous system finally out of survival mode, I’m able to speak about what really happened in a way I couldn’t before.

This is not a neatly packaged survivor story. It’s an honest, sometimes uncomfortable look at how abuse really unfolds slowly, quietly, and often disguised as love. We talk about how red flags don’t arrive all at once, how control creeps in disguised as care, and how trauma bonding can make even the most intelligent, strong women stay in situations that are destroying them.

I share what it was like living inside a relationship that felt safe one minute and terrifying the next, how my identity slowly disappeared, and why leaving didn’t instantly bring peace it brought grief, fear, withdrawal, and the hardest healing of my life.

This episode is also about what happens after you leave. The confusion. The shame. The urge to go back. The rebuilding. And the moment you finally realise that what you called love was actually survival.

House of H.E.R. was born from this journey not just to tell my story, but to give other women the language, understanding, and community I desperately needed. If you’ve ever felt stuck, numb, anxious, or ashamed for loving someone who hurt you, this episode is for you.

You are not weak.
 You are not broken.
 You were surviving.

What we cover

• How abuse really begins
 • Red flags you don’t see at first
 • Trauma bonding and why people go back
 • Why leaving isn’t the end it’s the start
 • Healing after the court case
 • Why House of H.E.R. was created
 • Rebuilding your identity after abuse

Trigger Warning

This episode contains discussion of domestic abuse, coercive control, physical violence, trauma bonding, suicide, and mental health.

If you need support

If you’re struggling right now or something in this episode has brought things up for you, you are not alone and help is available.

UK

Samaritans
Call 116 123 (free, 24/7)
https://www.samaritans.org

National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge)
Call 0808 2000 247
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Women’s Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk

The Survivors’ Handbook (Women’s Aid)
If you’re not sure if your relationship is healthy, worried about someone else, or need guidance:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Clare’s Law
Apply to find out if a current or ex-partner has a history of abuse and may pose a risk:

House of H.E.R. is a space for women who have lived through abuse, trauma, and relationships that broke them. This podcast exists to tell the truth, raise awareness around domestic abuse, and remind you that you are not alone in what you’re healing from.

Resources & support:
https://stan.store/houseofherpod

Join our healing community:
https://patreon.com/HOUSEOFHER

Follow @houseofher__ and my personal account @holliedowdingx on Instagram and please share this episode with a woman who might need it 🥀

Transcript

Hollie: 0:34

Hi guys, welcome back to House of Her season two. So this season is going to look a little bit different. I am now going solo, and so it will just be me. If you already follow us on social media, you will know that I am now going to be carrying the House of Her vision forward. And today we are actually starting with something a little bit different. So I am here with my lovely friend Cassie, who is going to be interviewing me. Um we are going to be going back. So season one was a bit of a learning curve, and as you may or may not know, we had quite a few issues with lighting, sound, you name it, we went through it. So this time I want to be able to go back, kind of share why I'm here, if there is anyone new here, and you don't know my story. I kind of want to give an insight into why the house of her exists, and be able to go back and share my story with better lighting, better sound, um, and also kind of share from where we started, why we started, where we are now, what's happened as it's now been a year since I left the relationship, and where we're going to take this going forward. So a bit of a recap, a bit of my story, the healing journey as it's been so far, and yeah, here we go again. Round two.

Cassie: 2:14

Well, I want to say thank you for trusting me with your story, and thank you so much for welcoming me to House of Heard. This is amazing.

Speaker: 2:22

I know, I'm very excited.

Cassie: 2:24

Um, I've obviously watched your whole first season, yeah, which was incredible. But yeah, I think you're right, and it's a real pleasure to be here, and thank you for having the courage to talk about it again, Holly, because you know, going back to those dark places can sometimes be really confronting. So I'm really proud of you. Thank you. Pleasure.

Hollie: 2:46

My heart's beating up my test.

Cassie: 2:48

Season two.

Hollie: 2:49

Season two.

Cassie: 2:51

Um, so I have a number of questions that I want to ask you today. Yeah, and uh, if you've had enough, please stop.

Hollie: 3:00

But so once I start, you won't be able to say, that's very true. I always think, oh my god, I don't really know what to say, and then I'm like, then you don't stop.

Cassie: 3:08

I think the first one I want to talk about is really how it feels to be revisiting those painful chapters because that must feel it's really weird because I feel like I feel very numbed to it still, and I feel like I always say this, but it's a really hard thing to to kind of accept happen to me, I guess.

Hollie: 3:34

Like I still feel like I've got I've done a lot of therapy and and it hits me at certain times, but actually when I sit down and talk about it, I kind of feel like I'm it I'm talking about something I've seen on TV, yeah, not actually my life. I'm still, and probably as we I guess talk more. I know when when I filmed it last, actually the talking about the physical side of it I can talk about with no emotion. And when I was through going through therapy, she actually said to me, like your body, when something is so traumatic, your body puts up this like protection almost to stop you feeling. Actually, it's the emotional side of it that actually really gets me, yeah. But I think I've spoken about it quite a lot. I think I'm kind of, but I still think I'm on a huge, a huge journey, and actually it's only been since I feel like I was on a healing journey for the whole year. But actually, I was saying to someone the other day, I only feel like I've really been able to start healing recently because obviously, since he went away, which we will get to, I'm sure, but yeah, that's I was still on in fight and flight the whole time because of the court case, because of everything. So, in actual fact, I feel like I'm only just really starting a healing journey now that I know he's away for a while.

Cassie: 5:00

It's really courageous to revisit it, and I have seen you talk about the physical, and yes, we will go into it, but I've actually seen your whole body language change when you talk about the physical. There is a complete detachment, but the minute we touch on the emotional, that's when it really upsets you, doesn't it?

Hollie: 5:19

Yeah, because I think that I think it's so like it's a shame because I feel like abuse isn't taken seriously until there's bruises and things, and but actually that's the least I can't talk for everybody, but I think bruises fade, scars fade, marks fade, but that mental side of it stays for so much longer. Yeah, um, but so many people do say, like, I remember sitting with you in my front room and I was just saying to you and showing you pictures, and like, oh, this is what he done, and your face was I was in complete shock. Yeah, and I'm just like, I literally feel like I'm talking about someone else. I just don't have any I don't know whether that will ever, because I feel like uh surely I should feel something now. Surely I should but I just don't like I for so long had to keep pictures and stuff on my phone for the court case. I couldn't get rid of anything, can still now I have them on my phone, and sometimes like I'll be scrolling back in my phone to find something, can I come across the pictures and I look at them and and I have no emotion. Yeah, like I don't feel it's almost like a protection, isn't it? Maybe. And that's what my therapist said. She said, like it happens a lot with grief. Sometimes your body just all like shuts down to stop you feeling almost. And I don't know whether one day it will just I'll have some sort of breakdown, please God. I hope not. But I don't know whether it will just one day hit me or whether I don't know, because I feel like I've done enough healing now for it to well they they say the healing never really stops.

Cassie: 6:51

Yeah, they say it never stops, but I need you to sort of buckle in for a little while now because I want I do want to take you back, yeah, and I'm really conscious of how this is gonna feel. But I suppose what I want for House of Her is that the people that really need to hear it hear, yeah, they hear the brutal, honest account of the abuse emotionally and physically that you went through, yeah. And I wonder if you can just tell us sort of how that unfolded over time.

Hollie: 7:22

Yeah, so it was a real shock, I think, and it still is, it's still something that really, really I cannot get my head around. Um he was a friend, so we'd known each other, we wasn't close friends, but we was part of a very, very close-knit circle. Yeah, he was best friends with my best friend at the time's husband, so we was always out together, we knew of each other, we had each other on social media, always at parties, and actually he was kind of single on and off, I was single on and off, so it would always be us two and the couples almost. So we always had a little bit of flirty banter, and it kind of yeah, just started as that. And then when I think he messaged me one day on social media and we started talking, and it was all very hush-hush and exciting because you don't you're a bit nervous as well to overstep that yeah, friendship boundary because you know if things do go wrong, if things don't work out, and also it wasn't ever meant to be, it was just a bit of like I think it was a bit of a thrill because no one knew, because it was like I didn't think it was ever gonna be a relationship. Um so that's kind of where it started, and sometimes I think like yeah, there was red flags there from the beginning. I don't know whether there was he for a long time wouldn't commit, so we started seeing each other, and naturally, as a woman, you do think I'm not gonna get feelings, I'm not gonna, you know, I can keep this is what it is, but we started spending more and more time together. Obviously, we were sleeping together, yeah. And I think naturally, as a woman, you do start to get feelings, and he was very wouldn't ever commit, and by this point, I'm saying like we had been seeing each other for like seven months now, maybe. I think we started, we went on our first date in the October, and this was by like the April. So at this point, it had been a long time, so I was kind of like You're ready to call it a relationship. Is this gonna be something or is it not? And he always made me feel like I was asking for too much. I was asking, and he was still playing what I now think was games because I think the type of person he is, he knew what he was doing, so he would take hours to respond, like and like not look at his phone all day, for example, and then I and and then be like, Oh, well, it's too much too. So by that point, I was already like when he'd mess with me, clinging cling on to that, like and the more someone does that, it's almost like I was then proving myself, and he would say to me, you know, I know you've obviously I've got two children, they've got different dads, and it would he would say to me, you know, almost in a way like I'd I don't know if I want to commit to you, I don't know if if you're right. So I am then proving myself, going out of my way to prove myself that I'm this worthy person, which now looking back was a total red flag because now I know what cycle I was getting in, and then I was every little thing that I was done was doing to make him think that I was worthy of something, you know.

Cassie: 10:55

Um did he almost make you feel that because you have two children with two different people, yeah, fathers, yeah, he made you feel like he couldn't commit to you because that was something that you should be ashamed of? Yeah, absolutely. Wow.

Hollie: 11:11

Yeah, and there were so many things like that happened, and I don't think I ever I remember actually in the December it was my birthday, and we went out for dinner, and he turned up with like no flowers, nothing. And I remember like one thing with me is I can't hide my emotions, like someone pisses me off, you know about it, it's on the face, and I remember saying it's my friend, and she was like, and it's so true. I feel like some of the red flags at the beginning, and no, it's not a massive, massive huge deal, but looking back on those things, there were little bits of like my standards and what I want in someone, yeah, that I kind of was just letting go, letting go because I just wanted him, it was almost like I wanted he was making me feel like I wasn't worthy and I had to prove myself, and I was just letting go of all my standards from the very beginning, yeah, just for him to think make me feel like I was worthy of being in a relationship with, yeah. Um so this went on, so we like, but we were still because I knew him, we a lot of the things that were happening and how we got along was like friends, so you'd I didn't have that awkwardness of going out on a first date, and I feel like that in a way, I would it felt like it was two different things because in one hand there were so many red flags, but at the other, on the other hand, there were so many parts of it that made me feel safe. I was in a friendship group, I didn't have to go and meet someone that I didn't know, he wasn't a stranger. So, from the get-go, one thing that we always had was such good banter. Yeah, we both went out, but then again, actually, through my healing journey, and I've listened to podcasts, every single time that we went out, we were fuelled with drink. So we would go out and get drunk, which now my I would never do because I feel like that just masks so much of actually do you get along with someone? I think you can get along with anyone if you're pissed out your head the whole time. Absolutely, yeah. Um, so there were so many like it was just from the get-go, I feel like it was a bit like that. There were some parts of it that made me feel so safe, but then there was other parts where I felt like I was losing myself from the beginning, just trying to just to feel worthy. Um, and there was no real signs of like controlling us, and I truly believe that he wouldn't commit to me, or he kept me at arm's length, I think, because he knew what he was like in a relationship, and I now know that because I've now got a very good relationship with his ex-partner, and I now know that this wasn't me, but at the time when it first happened, I believed I made him this person, but now I know that I didn't. I believe that he kept me at arm's length because he knew what he was gonna be. He knew how and I think as soon as he let his as soon as we got into that relationship, he knew what was gonna happen. And I don't I don't know, I I don't there that's one part of it that I think confuses me. Did he or or or didn't he? Did he know what he was gonna be like, or was it just to reel me in? Was he trying to keep himself at arm's length? Who knows?

Cassie: 14:28

But everybody has a choice, Holly, right? Yeah, so he choo he chose to behave the way that he did. Yeah, he chose to hurt you emotionally and physically.

Hollie: 14:39

Yeah, it's yeah, it's one of those things I still find it really, really hard to believe that like anyone would do that on purpose. Yeah. So I still try and think, oh, was he trying to protect like it's such a trauma bond thing because I still sit there and think, was he trying to protect me? Like, was did I push the relationship so much that I almost because I kept saying to him, Well, are we together or are we not? Like, what is this? What's going on? You know, I'm I'm falling for you. Like, whether that was real love or whether that was the trauma bond cycle, yeah. I'd like to think up until recently that I did love him. I gave him everything that I would I possibly could. Towards the end, yes, it was probably more of a trauma bond, but I I find it hard to believe that someone would just be that that horrible and know that what they're doing, know how they're really mean to have that in.

Cassie: 15:35

I think that says a lot about the person that you are, yeah, if I'm being honest, Holly. I think that says a lot about the kind, empathetic, beautiful human that you are, and not so much about him doing you any favours by not being in a relationship with you because he then would turn into this utter monster. Monster.

Hollie: 15:53

Yeah. And I think I kept pushing him, and it's mad, like the minute we got into that relationship, so this was now the July, and like I said, I this was everything. I remember getting like me and him started talking, and I remember, and I said it before, I hate small talk, I hate the whole, I'm just not a dater, I'm a relationship girl. Like, I just and this is where I've got to learn my fucking lesson because I do go full steamerhead, like I'm not one of those casual, you know. My friends have said to me before, just go out and have fun, and I'm like, just we know. Like, do you want to marry me or don't you know? That's why I've got two kids doing dogs, engagements. But you know, I think it was the perfect setup for me, or what I believed was going to be the perfect setup. We was part of a best friend group. My best friend was with his best friends, and I had a dream situation. It was like a dream situation. I didn't have to go out and explain myself. He knew everything about me, which turned out was used against me, but at the time I felt safe, and I just thought it oh my god, what a perfect, perfect situation. He made me laugh, we had great banter, we had great chemistry, we had an amazing sex life, like and then we got into a relationship, and at that point it turned literally overnight. I remember actually no, we made it official, I think May June. We went away for my sister's 30th, and this was the first time that I'd ever started to get the red flags, like real ones that you couldn't ignore. Yeah, we'd gone away, and I remember my sister saying to me, like, he wouldn't leave me alone. Like, and I at the time I've had quite like relationships, and I like I'm not an affectionate person, but I like to someone to give me affection, absolutely, and he would not let go of me. And I remember my sister saying to me, like, it's a bit fucking much, like and I was like, Oh, don't be horrible, like it's nice that he wants to be like clung to me, yeah, and um yeah, I I I remember looking back now. I look at that and think, Oh my god, maybe that was the start of it. But we went out one night and we'd had a lot to drink, and bearing in mind we were away with my family, my sister's friends, like it was the first time he'd met my family as well. And I remember we were all going back to get changed, and everyone was going out after, and he was like, I don't want to, and I was a bit like oh, like come on, he was like, No, no, no, I want to go back to the room, and anyway, everyone was going up to the rooftop bar to have a cigarette, so I was like, Oh, I'm just gonna go and have a cigarette, um, and he really got the ump with it. Anyway, we ended up getting into an argument and going back to the room, and he literally turned. And I can't remember what he said because I was at this point so drunk, but I remember it got so bad I was hysterically crying, and my friend um who was out there came banging on the door, and she actually came into the room, and I was it's so upset that she was sat in the bed in the middle of us and was like, I am not leaving until I know she's okay, and in the end, I was like, I'm fine, I'm fine. I don't I I still can't really remember, but I remember thinking, Oh my god, this I've never seen this side to you before. And anyway, woke up in the morning, it was fine. I don't I just put it down to being drunk, you know. Everyone, I've been around friends, I know people, what happens. Sometimes those things you have too much to drink, things can be, and to be fair, I woke up in the morning and I didn't I couldn't really remember what had happened, but I do remember that was the first time that I saw him a bit like because I remember saying, like, why don't you just come upstairs? And he was and he was just like, No, I don't want to, I want to go up. And I just thought, we're away for my sister's 30th, like it's one. Night, yeah, just come up to the rooftop, you know, looking back in hindsight. But then I just thought, Oh, do you know what? It doesn't matter, we've had a nice day. That was probably the first time I real really saw red flags. Then in the July, I went on a Hendo for my friend's Hindu, and I remember we were out in a club and it was late, and I remember him ringing me, and it was like four in the morning, three in the morning, maybe. Um I can't remember the exact time, and I remember him ringing me, like, where are you? and I was like, I'm in a club, and he was like, I've just seen you on someone's story. But actually, before this, he had said to me that he is gonna go on social media and he looks at where where I'm gonna go, and he had made reference to the fact that he would go on, so say I was in I don't know, whatever club, he would go on to the club, go on to people, you can see who's tagged in at what place, and go on their stories, and he'd kind of made a joke of it, like, Oh yeah, I'm a bit of a nutter like that, and I just kind of laughed it off and didn't really think anything of it. And I remember him ringing me and saying, like, I have seen you in someone's video or something, and in this club, and I was like, Oh, that's not even the club that I'm in, and I remember he was up all night messaging me, ringing me, and then my battery died. And at this point, I was starting to get really bad anxiety, like, and I was just panicking, just wanted to get out of there to let him know that I was home and I was okay. And the next day he gave me a real hard time to the point that I ended up not going out on the last day of the Hendo. I just sat in the hotel on my own, and all the girls went for lunch, and then the sorries came. I'm sorry, but by this point he knew I was coming home, he'd knew I missed the day the day out. And when I got home, he met me at the station, big bunch of flowers, and we went home, and it was the first time he told me he loved me, and all was forgotten, yeah, and that was it, and that really was where I think the cycle of the ups and downs started. Um a few weeks later, we went to a friend's barbecue, and by this point he'd made a lot of reference, and I'm not a big drinker, I don't I've got two children, I'm a parent, I don't go out a lot, but when I do go out, I like to enjoy myself and let my hair down. And he we went to a barbecue one day, and this was I think a few weeks after the Hendu. And I remember I thought, I'm not gonna drink, I'm gonna drive, I'm gonna be the good girlfriend trying to prove myself, and I'm gonna go and he can drink, I'll drive, it was quite far away. And I remember getting there, and everyone's drinking, all the girlfriends are having a brilliant time, and I just didn't, and I was just like kept making sure that he was okay. And I remember at one point I went over to sit on his lap and he literally pushed me off. And I thought, like, what have I done? I remember going over to the girls, and I was like, I don't know what's the matter with him, like I don't know what I've done. I'm not drinking, I'm stone cold sober. Anyway, we got in the car, and he was literally just like laughing at me. And bearing in mind, I had to drive in like picture black, it was from like South, it was somewhere near South Ends. It was like an hour's drive, and I remember he was just like laughing at me and mimicking me, and I just felt really like uncomfortable. And I was driving, he was drunk, and he's just like just being horrible. And then I was like, Look, what a matter, and he was like, You didn't stop looking at so and so all night, and I was like, What he and I said, he's out of his friends, he was the only one he was bearing in mind I was friends with his girlfriend, like it was all part of a friendship group, and I was like, and he was the only one that really I knew and made effort to come over and chat to me, like and he was like, You didn't stop looking at him, you didn't stop. So then I now this is where then I now started to feel like really uncomfortable even talking to anyone, like, and and then I thought, Oh my god, like am I am I being too friendly? Oh my god, is his girlfriend thinking that? Like, what so then I was starting to question myself, and that is just where at that point I was really like, Oh my god, like this isn't good, and I could feel myself losing, but then at the same time, we would have the best time still, and and till the very end, I think the most confusing part of me was he would be violent, and then the next day we would sit on the sofa and laugh and chill and watch a film, and it just became so normal, yeah. And I think that's what really got me is that I think it was so different to anything I had ever ex like thought that abuse would be. Yeah, like I really think that's where, and that is what I want to like raise so much awareness on. Is that I just always pictured that abuse would be like you know, like little Mo in East Enders. Do you remember like Trevor was like in the pub an alcoholic, and he just was come home and the dinner wouldn't be done, and he'd give her that's what I and it's so naive, but I've never had it or experienced it in my family, in my friendship group. I've never really like you just see it on films, and actually it's so different to that.

Cassie: 25:25

That's such um I think that's a really important point that you've just spoken about, Holly, because it's almost like everything just became so normal, but the s periods of abuse were there. The seeds were sown, the warning signs were there, but you were too uh deep in then to to turn back.

Hollie: 25:47

Yeah, I just think I just and he would just do what he did, and he was still the most like the affection that he showed me in June, he was the most affectionate person, like and now looking back, it was weirdly affectionate, but at the time like he would just not not let me go. It was like so. I when he was horrible, he was the only one that could make me feel better, absolutely, and and that was where the cycle of abuse started, and then it wasn't till so there was a lot of things in between, comments. I think he started to like really dig up my personality, just stupid things of like how I would talk. So, like I would do little things of like I would take the kids to football and I'd put like oh back to soccer mum, and he'd be like, Oh, that's so cringe, or like I'd have my hair in rollers when we'd go to the airport, and he'd be like, and listen, everyone can have a joke, but it became so relentless. Like, he'd be like, Oh my god, I've never been with anyone who would wear their hair in rollers, like, oh it's just so this and so that, and just slowly, slowly, like chipped away at everything that I was, and it and it it did become it become relentless. Like, I would message him like hey, and he'd be like, Why are you talking to me like a teacher? Like, but it was it just became so so relentless. I'm trying not to react in it in the way that it was. And these are a lot of the things, and I think even now, like talking about it now will probably be quite different to how I spoke about in the last episode because I feel like there is so much that I forget, there is so much that like I suddenly things come to me, but there wasn't it was just a a slow process, it wasn't just big, although there was big things that happened, actually, there were so many little things in between this that were eating away at me and making me an absolute nervous wreck. Yeah, and through this time as well, like I was getting diagnosed with the ADHD, which I think is I need to do a whole episode on its own of like talking about that. But I think actually my ADHD, although it was complete overwhelm, I think at the same time I was becoming so overwhelmed with what was going on in my personal life that I think that played a huge part in me thinking, oh my god, I need to get diagnosed because I feel like I've always managed it quite well, and now I feel like I manage it a little bit better. But I think that on top of it was just absolutely drowning me.

Cassie: 28:27

And I think when you're living on high alert as well, sweetheart, like you need to think about the experience that you went through where everything was questioned, you were made to question the person you were, what you wore, who you saw, when you did it, where you were. You had to send, I mean, the the photographs of justifying where you were and who you were with.

Hollie: 28:45

Yeah, so like every time, so obviously I had my clothing business, didn't I? And like every time that I done pop-up shops, I had to send videos to show that there was no men there. I would go to the corner shops and I would have to answer who I saw there. If I walked down the road, like if I would go and pick the kids up from friends, I would I wouldn't be allowed to go in the house if the dad was there. Um I would have to give an account of like why I was in there for so long, who I was talking to. When I went to football to take Jensen to watch football, I would have to send a video to show that I was not sitting near any of the men, uh like any of the dads, that I weren't speaking to them. I couldn't wear anything. I every time that I posted something for work, if it was anything other than something like this, then I just got completely and utterly abused. Um so yeah, the build-up I think was a lot a lot more it happened quite slowly until I got to the to the violence. You almost became like a prisoner in your own relationship, didn't you? And I didn't see do you know what it's mad because I look back now and I found some videos actually a little while ago of me talking on Instagram. Now, if you followed me on Instagram, you know I've always been my life is chaos. I've always been running like four businesses, yeah, two children. It's just but that's how I thrive. And actually, I found videos where I was like, at one point I'd shut Georgie London down, and I was just like, I'm so I was just being my pajamas. I would do my school running the pajamas, I would do the pickup in pajamas, and listen, I do do that on the odd occasion now, but generally I'm up out dressed and whatever, and sometimes it's nice to do that one day a week, but I was just doing it every day and I wouldn't leave the house, I would just be, and I was like, This is what I want, and I look back and think, Who are you? But it happens so gradually that you don't actually like everyone says to me, how how? and I'm like, I don't know, because I don't know how I got from her to her, no, like I really don't. It was just so gradual, and that's the scary part is you can't pinpoint it, it just slowly chips away at you, and it's gradual, but I think his pursuit was relentless, it never stopped, and it might have been you know, little conversations or comments or expectations on what how the way you had to behave if you were going out or whatever, but it was so relentless that before you knew it, you were however far down the line, yeah, and a complete and utter shell of your of yourself. Yeah, and he like used to like everything I posted on social media, he would like check my who liked my story, who followed me every single day. I would have to send an account. Like if anyone followed me, I'd have to block them. Who has time for that, Holly? Honestly, it wasn't.

Cassie: 31:43

I don't know how you survived. I really don't know how you survived. So no wonder you have a bit of a disconnect because you almost had to almost become numb to just get it. I think I was, yeah.

Hollie: 31:55

I think I don't actually I don't know how I how I survived it, and that was just the mental side of it. Obviously, from the October that's when the violence really started. So we went away for my friend's wedding, um, and at this point I remember like even before we flew, he was like, Oh, I'm not coming, I'm not coming. So it would be like I was just constantly like having to beg for everything, like plea, and then I would be like, please come, please come. And he just made me so nervous, like even with my friends' boyfriends, like accused me of fancying them, accused me of like looking at them the wrong way, or this. So everyone had started to notice, I think, that what was that there was changes in me because I like even at the airport, like I just wouldn't want to talk to anyone. I'd be nervous to like sit and have a drink with someone, or be nervous that someone was gonna say, Oh, yeah, when we was out with Holly, she like could just anything, even nothing to hide, but just just felt like constantly like I was in this like walking on eggshells, literally.

Cassie: 33:05

Um for fear that he was just gonna kick off if you made eye contact with somebody for too long, or you yeah, literally, and I just it was just the worst energy.

Hollie: 33:14

And we went away for the wedding, and the first part of it, we was in a villa with friends, and he I remember wouldn't let me wear the clothes I wanted to wear for one of like the wedding party. We went on a boat, and I wasn't allowed to wear what I wanted to wear. We had a massive argument, he kicked off, he walked out of the villa, I was in tears, like everyone was trying to ring him. Um, it was just like it was just at this point, was just hell. Like he literally was just controlling everything who I spoke to, how I spoke, what I wore, and then while we were there, we was actually celebrating our one-year anniversary. So we'd done the first five days with friends, and then we done the next part, we went on to a hotel on our own, and we went out for dinner one night, and I remember I it started with me asking him something because by this point I was getting questioned over everything, like I wasn't allowed followers, I had to delete. I had a really good friend and male friend, I wasn't allowed to talk to him anymore, and he was sitting on his phone and something popped up, and I just said, Oh, who's that? Because I'm thinking, I like you have controlled so much of my life, I'm not allowed to anyone. Who's she? Anyway, the whole thing obviously got twisted on me. We ended up um he asked for my phone or saying, just show me your phone, show me your phone. Anyway, I ended up going through my phone, um, and there was I can't exactly remember what happened, but basically there was a guy that I was seeing years ago. I never told him that I'd slept with this guy, bearing in mind it was like seven years ago. Um, but I still had him on social media. He'd messaged me a few times, I'd ignored it, and he ended up going through my phone and going back and um saw a message. I had basically this guy lived in Turkey and there was an earthquake, and I had literally messaged him in the February saying, I really hope your family are okay. It ended up causing absolute murders, but and at this point we wasn't officially even together. It wasn't I was talking to I literally just wished his family well because they got stuck in an earthquake, yeah. Um, and it ended up in him smashing my phone. Um, he bust my lip, and I still to this day cannot remember whether he threw my phone at my lip or whether he hit my lip. Yeah, but somehow I ended up with a bust lip. He smashed my phone, spat at me, hit me with pillows, and that was in the hotel. I ended up crying myself to sleep at this point. Obviously, I'm away, I've got now got no phone, I'm away from my children. I'm going to bed in this hotel room, and I was petrified. You must have been hell. Petrified. And that was probably that holiday was probably one of the most traumatic things because I now had to spend the rest of the holiday with him, and I was on tender hook, so the next day we woke up and he made me log into my social media on his phone and he made me sit with him while he went back through like I was literally being grilled, and he went back through months and months of all of my messages. And if there was a conversation with a guy, bearing in mind I'd never I hadn't dated anyone else, hadn't kissed anyone, they're just Instagram messages, you know, odd little conversations, and he would literally go through every single one of them and then say to me, like, you're desperate. This and there was nothing even in these messages, like literally nothing. And he went all the way back to this guy that I hadn't told him I'd say and went back through conversations seven years ago. Which listen, no one's gonna want to read messages, you know. There was things in there you wouldn't want to see as a part, but you've chose to look in it, yeah, you've chose to go through it, and he then ran off with my phone, but he was now at this point was sitting there saying to me like horrible things about my body, um just really, really being nasty, and then like when women were walking past on the beach, he was like, Oh god, look at her, look how much better she is than you. Oh my god, I'd love to fuck her. Like, look at her, just like I was just beside myself. Um, and he then ran off with the phone, and I ended up running after him, and he had the phone and he was logged in, and he and I tried to take the phone, and I was literally begging him, crying. Like, I can't, I can't. This is the bit that gets me is I can't even tell you how m how I felt at this stage. Like, I was literally a nervous wreck, and I I tried to like take the phone, like please just stop, like let's leave it now. And he was saying to me he was gonna leave me and fly home, and I tried to take the phone and he got my fingers and bent them so far back that he broke them, and I remember like my hand was so swollen, and after that, I I just remember like I he never ever said sorry, like and I was he said to me, if if you if you behave a certain way and if you do this, I'll think about getting back with you. And all I wanted him to do at this point was love me, yeah, and and be okay, like he'd made me feel like I was such this like slaggy person, like so at this desperate, like no one's gonna want me. I just wanted him to love me, so I was like begging him, and I remember I was like sitting at dinner, and I think this was like the day before we flew home. I can't even remember, but I remember like sitting there, and he'd literally just like be like mocking me, and I remember I couldn't like I literally my hand was so swollen I had a ring that I couldn't get on my finger, and he just he just was like sitting there saying to me, like, Oh, I've got all these naked pictures of girls. That I've seen before, I look at look at her body compared to yours, look, and just would literally was just so horrible to me. I can't like how my body like it just takes me back to that feeling, and it just all I wanted for him was to just love me, and I that's all I remember feeling is like I just and it we got on the plane back. I remember sitting in the airport on the way home. Bearing in mind this whole time I've got no phone either. My friends now knew something was wrong, they came over to find me because I was staying in the hotel now next to friends, and I'd literally not contacted them. Yeah, um, and I remember like even at the airport, like he was getting pictures up of like girls that he'd been with and like showing them to me, like, oh my god, look how much better she is than you. And I remember just sitting in the corner of the airport, like sobbing. My hand was swollen, I had a bust lip, I had no phone, I had to sit on a plane with him for like four hours, and he was telling me that as soon as we get back, I'm not gonna be with you, and we're gonna um I can't remember he'd logged out maybe of my Instagram, but I remember him driving to when we got back as well to his sister's and like making her log in or look at someone's account to oh I can't even remember, but just it uh had me like this, like on this nervous energy. I would the whole flight home, like worried that as soon as we get back, he's not gonna want to be with me, and I just wanted him to want to be with me, yeah. And yeah, uh that's where the violence really started, and from then on I just felt like I was just again proving myself, like I never got an apology for him, and never He showed no remorse whatsoever when he broke your fingers.

Cassie: 41:50

No remorse. None. Did did you realise the severity of your injury at the time? Did you realise that they were broken?

Hollie: 41:59

Yeah, I just knew that they was I I couldn't move them, they were so swollen, they were bruised, they literally like yeah, I I just And even seeing you in such a state made no difference to him whatsoever. No, he just said to me, You're gonna have to get used to it, like it's gonna take me time to get over what I've seen. Um You're gonna have to just get used to it. Like if I have a bad day, then you're just gonna have to suck it up. You caused this. Never was never apologised to me. And like later on when things were getting bad, like he would say to me, like, I would sit and stroke him and be like, I know you're not a bad person, and he would be like, I can't talk about it, I'm embarrassed, but it was never I never really got any sorries until I left him. Yeah. So that was the first time, and then I don't think there was any real violence again until the December when we went out for my birthday, um, and again that resulted in him breaking my fingers for the second time because he was drunk and wanted to drive, and I wouldn't give him the car keys in my bag. Um so he again bent my fingers all the way back. On the other hand, I think it was this time, um, and we was outside arguing, and he kicked me to the floor, flicked cigarette ash all over me, all my belongings, and I was literally like scrambling on the floor, was spitting at me outside the restaurant. Um, and then he locked me in a car in a car park. Um we were driving, we were staying in a hotel, and this was because he thought I was flirting with a woman. Oh wow. Um my goodness me. In the in the restaurant, um, and mugging him off. Right. So yeah, and then we drove, so that happened. He bent my fingers back, then we was outside arguing, all my stuff was all over the floor, and he was literally while I was like on the floor scrambling, like flicking cigarette ash at me, spat at me, kicking me, and no one stopped and helped. No one helped. No one. And we got in the car because he was like, I'm going, he got the keys by this point, and obviously I was in the middle of nowhere. I didn't even know I had actually got taken to this place because a restaurant asked me to do promo for them, which was even more embarrassing, like I'm there for work, really. Um, and it was in the middle of nowhere, and we got in the car, went back to the hotel, um, and he got out of the car and locked me in the car park at this is at like two in the morning. Um locked you in the car, locked me in the car, and I had to phone the police to come and get me out. Um that again, like that feeling of I thought I was gonna be stuck in there all night, and I remember I had like six percent battery or something really little on my phone, and I was thinking, oh my god, like I'm gonna be stuck in this car all night.

Cassie: 45:24

Um that's okay. I know how difficult this is for you, darling.

Hollie: 45:32

Um, and I remember the police came and he said he let me out. I don't know whether he came down because I was ringing and ringing and ringing, and he always said, like, I never meant to lock you in that car. When I tell you I was ringing him and ringing him and ringing him, any decent man, we were drunk, I was already injured. You have gone inside a hotel, it's two in the morning, I'm in a car in a dingy car park. You've walked into the hotel, and I am ringing your phone and ringing your phone, and you are not answering to me. You that's not normal behaviour, whether you're meant to lock me in the car or not. At this point, I was in such a state, the police were like, We need to go and see him. Where is he? So they obviously went in. They obviously the receptionist must have had to let him up, he was in the room, and they were saying to me, like, we know you're you're not okay, like, do you want to take this further? And I was just like, No, no, no, no, no, like I just want to go up, I just want to be in the room. Um, and I they ended up, they gave me a card and they just said, Look, if you change your mind, this is where we are, but we just need to know you're okay. And I was like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Went up to the room, and I get so confused with the dates because I don't know whether it was I think it was this time that he bit my face. I went back to the room and he bit my face pushed me, and I ended up falling into something and smashing my head, and I was on the floor, and my head was like spinning, and I remember screaming, and he literally just walked over me. He literally like trod over me and got into bed. Oh and um I remember just like obviously I didn't sleep, and again I was just begging him to cuddle me, and that's all I wanted. Yeah and he was just like, no, get away from me, get away from me. So I just laid there all night, and then in the morning we woke up, and I remember he'd done something to his tire, and we had to go to like a tire shop, and I remember my hand was so bad, and he just kept looking at me, like never really said sorry, and then we got home, and again he was just like, I just I don't want to be with you because look at what you're doing to me. And we ended up getting into an argument, and I remember him um the kettle was on, and he was gonna make a cup of tea, and we got into an argument, and he was I remember him saying to me, like, if you don't fucking shut up, I'm gonna pour this kettle over you. And yeah, that was probably another one of like the worst times of of what happened, and I just remember again, like I remember laying in bed, and I think he actually got really upset at this point the next day because but he was like it was always like you're doing this to me, yeah, you're making me this person, and I really started to believe that I was like making him a monster, yeah.

Cassie: 48:50

That your actions and your words and and what you did made him behave in this made him behave like that, and like that brainwashing, yeah, almost.

Hollie: 48:59

And you know, it we had the conversations of like, oh you know, maybe we shouldn't be together. But it I just I think maybe it I don't know whether it was part of the game, part of the trauma bond. Like I just want he was the only person who could ever make me feel better, so I probably kept that he would be like we can't be together, and I'd be like, No, I want to be with you, like I wanna because that was the the cycle of it. Um and in between, I think there was little bits. I remember Christmas Day. We stayed at my sister's, um, I spoke to him in the wrong way, and we dropped we were dropping the kids off to go to their dad's. We'd woke up, stayed at my sister's, was dropping the kids off. I was like in the car, we were meant to be going to his nan's, and he just kicked off with me outside his nan's, threw all of my stuff on the floor, all the kids' presents, smash bottles, drove off, left me. I was and this was Christmas Day, like I'm dropping you home on your own. And you know, all of his family sit there and say they knew nothing. Like they all they all knew to a certain extent, they might not have known everything, but just so volatile.

Cassie: 50:13

Oh my god, I was on like just so volatile, like such highs of aggression and verbal abuse and the physical and the leaving and the putting you in Coventry and then picking you back up again.

Hollie: 50:26

Like you, your whole world must have just been Oh, yeah, it was just relentless, and then every argument that we had was just violence, whether you know he would pull my hair, whether he would rip my clothes, whether he'd throw water at me, like we went on everything was then violence, but he would never hit me like and it when it all came out, actually, one of the things he said was I never punched her, and he wouldn't, he would kick me and kick me on the floor, he would rip my hair, he would strangle me, he would do everything. But I remember actually being in the car one day and he slapped me, like he'd like pull the seatbelt round my neck, he'd chuck me out of cars in the middle of nowhere, like it was relentless, literally like every argument, and it just became my normal. It just became if I acted a certain way, that's what would happen, and and it would be I pushed him to it. Yeah.

Cassie: 51:28

Did you sometimes feel or did you feel like you know, if you opened your mouth there would be a punishment, and that was the punishment?

Hollie: 51:35

Yeah, because he'd say I was too trappy and I I was like a man, and I think the thing that like really got to me was he stopped me having my medication, my ADHD medication, because he told me, or he if it first of all it started that I was it would be every time of the month that I would be too hormonal, so I'd done everything I can to try and stop my hormones. Um and then when I went on my medication, it was my medication, and I I'd literally sit with him and he'd literally just look at me and laugh, and I'd be like, What's the matter? Like, why are you laughing? And he'd be like, Oh, you're just like a zombie, look at you, like just like a zombie. And I couldn't at this point as well, like I couldn't get in a car and not ring him. If I got in a car and didn't call him, it would be like, Well, what are you doing? I couldn't sit on the sofa and not have a conversation. I couldn't there I had to rehearse before he came to me what I was gonna talk to him about. I remember telling me this and it blew my mind. Yeah, because if I didn't talk for a minute, I was boring. What have you got nothing to talk to me about? What have you got nothing to talk to me? So I used to have to rehearse what I was gonna say before I even saw him. So I would then be so like over-analysing every situation. Like I'd be I'd get in the car and I'd be panicking because I'd be thinking, Oh my god, like what am I gonna talk to him about? What like what's gonna happen? Like, we couldn't just sit and chill on the sofa because we'd say he'd be like, All you'd want to do is watch TV, like, have you got nothing to talk to me about? And I'd think, I just want to fucking chill. Yeah, like I'm manic, I'm a mum of two kids, I just want to chill. And then he would go on and on at me, like I'd pick the kids up, and I'd go home and like one of my exes moved to the area, and he'd I wasn't allowed to go into the town centre, I wasn't allowed to go to the local Tesco's, I wasn't allowed to wear I remember wearing pajamas that like lit up at Jensen's football that were glide in the dark and I didn't realise. And I remember laughing about it on social media saying, Oh, I've just ruined your street cred. And he was like, You've done that for attention so everyone would look at you. And in the end, when he'd say these things to me at eight o'clock at night and I've had a manic day, I'd just be like, Oh, fuck off. Yeah, and he'd be like, This is what I mean, this is why I punch your fucking head in. Because instead of being a soft woman and saying to me, No, babe, of course I wouldn't do that to you. Of course, why would I want someone else's attention when I've got you? I would just be like, So then that would be why he would be violent with me because of how I would respond to things. It just became my whole sense of normal. I think I just believed that it was me, and uh when I would question him and say, like, you must have been like this before, he'd be like, No, no one's ever spoke to me like this before. So I was like, I just I just done everything I could, and you know, maybe if I don't talk like this, maybe if I'm not so hormonal, maybe if I I come off my meds, which I did, like I I just literally done everything I possibly could to to stop the violence, and what I've learned now is that no matter what I done, it would never have stopped the violence. Yeah. Because it wasn't anything I was doing, it was him.

Cassie: 54:39

What impact did that have on your confidence, Holly, and your sense of worth?

Hollie: 54:47

Yeah, I don't think I realised how bad it had affected me until this year. I think I just I think everyone around me was seeing me change. I knew I was changing, but I felt like as long as I was getting that love from him, it didn't matter. Yeah. So it didn't bother me my confidence because in actual fact, one of the things that he never ever put me down about was the way I looked, yeah. And it almost was like I was like a trophy for him, almost like every other part of me he absolutely destroyed, but he would always be so complimenting, oh you're so fit, or you're this and that. So I felt like in that respect, I don't think my confidence was actually that or didn't feel that damaged. I felt like I was losing myself, but as long as he wanted me, I didn't care, and it was only after that I think everything really did hit me, and I just I just completely changed.

Cassie: 55:53

I had completely changed as a person and and your family and your friends were recognising this, but talk to us about sort of how you protected them.

Hollie: 56:03

Yeah, I just I didn't I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed, and I you know I don't know why because you felt I felt ashamed, I almost felt embarrassed, you know. I've had you know the relationships break down and I thought, you know, oh my god, I'm here again. I felt like because I was blaming myself that maybe it was me and I was you know ashamed of that. I also wanted to protect him, you know, it's one of those things I wasn't ready. The only people that knew what was going on was were his sister knew parts. Um she'd actually had to come to the house once and rescue me um because he'd been violent. His mum knew, um his mum knew a hell of a lot, um, which is wild to me really that you know they've acted the way they've acted afterwards because they knew they've I'd sent them pictures, um, and she'd actually said to me herself, you know, he's lucky you don't call the police on him. And then obviously when I did everyone turned on me. Um but I think my sister knew what was going on. I mean my sister had actually seen bruises on me, and I'd say, Oh, a pole fell on me at the market, and she could see I was by this point I was seven and a half stone as well. I was like tiny, I was not eating, I was smoking all the time. I just I looked unwell, I really did look unwell, and I she just said to me all the time, You're like a bag of nerves, and I don't think my mum and dad I'd put on quite a brave face in front of my mum and dad, but I think my the the friendship group knew that he was controlling and stuff because but I'd never told them the violence, and actually, even after we spit up, it took a long time to me. He actually told his friend that he was violent with me, and it was his wife that came who was my best friend who came to me and said, What's going on? And even at that point, I was like, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to talk about it because I think actually suppressing it made me not believe it was it was real, and I think the minute those floodgates opened was when everything went because it became real, and I knew then madly that I had to leave him. Yeah, I could never go back even though I didn't put it out in the universe, you had to do something. And also, no one was gonna let me go back to that. Yeah, and actually, so this was in the July um that we ended up splitting up. Yeah, what was the point? What was the point that made you we'd been out and um I'd spoke to my son's dad. We'd seen him out, and uh that was mugging him off. And why should I say hello to Jensen's dad? Um and we ended up getting into a big fire and went home and he took my phone and stuff off me and he pushed me into the stairs, and it was probably one of the least violent, and I know that sounds crazy, but probably one of the least violent things that he'd done. But as he'd done that, Jensen walked through the door and didn't see anything, but saw me in a state, and that's one of the things is the kids never saw anything that happened, but they had to deal. I mean, when he flipped the fingers, I couldn't cut their dinner, yeah, I couldn't do anything. They saw me constantly crying, constantly. I was I was literally like an anxious mess. Um, having to be on my phone every two minutes and explain where I was. I couldn't take the kids to certain places, I couldn't do certain things, and not present, and in the line absolutely not present, um, and obviously I shut my business down because of it. But the turning point was yeah, gents are nearly see it, and for me that was like, oh my god, this is just getting it's like a wake up a wake up call. And I left, and at that point I was okay, like I still no one really knew. It was um, yeah, I felt okay. I felt like I was still living in a bubble, and then my aunt died in the September. And he was like my comfort blanket, and I ended up reaching out to him and going back. And when I went back, it ended up being um the same shit. And I remember my sister actually said to me, like, you must be lying about what he's done to you for you to go back. Who would because no one gets it, and I get that now. She wasn't saying it because she didn't believe me, but no one can understand if someone has been like this with you, and she actually said to me, If you go back, I'm telling mum and dad, like there is no way. And I think at this point I knew, you know, we'd I'd seen the behaviours were starting to come back. We'd had an argument one day, and he was like, I'm gonna this is why I punched your head in, and yeah, all of those things were starting to come back, and I ended up leaving for good in the November. Um I had a really traumatic car accident, and I think that for me, although he didn't cause it, I just was like it was like my trigger of oh my god, this well this negative cycle that I'm living in, yeah, is affecting everything, and I I need to get out of it, and I left.

Cassie: 1:01:08

Um, and that was the beginning of a very, very, very traumatic the pursuit that ensued from you deciding to leave the relationship, the reign of terror that and then continued. Yeah, and at this point I thought I'm gonna go on a healing journey, it's gonna be lovely, yeah, and healing is not lovely, it was the hardest.

Hollie: 1:01:37

I actually found that harder than being in the relationship, and that's not to say for anybody listening that that means that you should stay in the relationship because actually now what I have learnt through that is yes, I still am triggered most days. There is so many things that I am working through, there is so many things that I battle with on a daily basis in my confidence in myself in everyday life, but I have also learned so much, and the boundaries and the things that I know I will never ever ever accept again, the things that I know have played themselves out, and actually I feel although I don't feel it daily, looking back, I am now the strongest I feel like I've ever been, and and it's a hard, hard process, but it is one that you absolutely need to go. I feel like that needed to happen to like burn me down so that I could rebuild again.

Cassie: 1:02:27

You have to almost be laid completely bare when you start your healing journey, yeah, stripped back of everything to feel every emotion of every experience that you have been through in order to try to put one foot in front of the other and move forward, you know.

Speaker: 1:02:42

Absolutely, and yeah, it's been a it's been a year, yeah.

Cassie: 1:02:47

Absolutely. I'm still so I'm just thinking of everything that I've just taken in over the last hour or so. It's a lot, Holly. And it's mad because I still sit there and think, oh, like I wasn't in hospital or anything, so was it that it's just yeah, it's just crazy. This personal experience that you have been through has brought you to the place where you have created House of Her.

Hollie: 1:03:07

Yes. So I remember after it all, like I didn't what I didn't understand was why I was going back. I think that was a really hard thing, and because everyone around me was like, and he would even say to me, But you're coming back to me. So people like my sister, everybody was like, Well, you're going back into it, like, and and I in the end thought I must be fucking enjoying it. What's the matter with me? Again, it was me. What I didn't understand that it was that it was a trauma bond, absolutely, and actually it that only started unravelling for me through therapy. And when I went to the police, because I said I thought they was gonna, when I said I went back to it, they was gonna be like, Oh well, what do you expect? You know, you went back into it, but they was like, That's the cycle of abuse, and I learnt through therapy what a trauma bond was the highs and the lows, the way your body chemically, the the chemicals that your body releases in an abusive relationship is the same as what happens to a drug addict, yeah. And you like what I did. My body was craving that fix it when my aunt died, almost like someone would crave a drink in tough times. I needed that fix, but actually, once you've had it, you know it's not right for you. But you need your body is so used to living like this that I just genuinely thought, oh my god, I'm gonna leave this relationship, and I just want peace, and I'm gonna have peace. I still don't fully have peace now. You know, your body remembers so much, and you live, and you're you're it's it's a chemical, it actually rewires the your your body and your brain, and I didn't understand that. And actually, I remember just being on a run one day and listening to a pot, and I was thinking, nobody knows this. How many girls out there are out there in a relationship thinking that this is love, thinking that this is what they deserve, thinking it's them and blaming themselves for going back into it and being made to feel like I need to I need to share what I'm learning. Like I don't want people to feel that because that was so confusing to me. I couldn't understand it, and I yeah, I didn't get it, and that is where the House of Her was born because I just actually, when I first thought of House of Her, it was just going to be a healing journey. But when I started talking about my story and learning all about the trauma bonds and the things that I were feeling and my emotions, I was like, this is what it now needs to be. It needs to be helping women. Obviously, he'll become empowered, be the rich not in money but in the best version of themselves. But it also needs to fucking speak about the things that are unspoken, and so many people talk about abuse and oh my god, this is but it's not it's never what they think it is. He was my best friend at times. I still laughed with him, I still joked with him, we still had the best times, we had an amazing chemistry, you know, and it looking back, it was probably a very toxic chemistry. Well, not probably it was, but it wasn't all bad. But just because it's not all bad, it doesn't mean that you have a good relationship, and it doesn't mean that it's not abuse.

Cassie: 1:06:06

Absolutely.

Hollie: 1:06:08

So that's where it started, and that's my mission now is to keep sharing it, keep raising awareness. You know, I there's so many places that I want to take this to help women, but I want to share all angles of it, you know. I want to share people's stories, and you know, it's starting off with my story, but I know there's so many levels to abuse, I know there's so many things that need to be spoken about, and I want to be the voice because you know, luckily I have a platform, not the biggest one, but I have a platform, I've always shared my life, and I feel like through something so painful, I I want to have a purpose, and you know that can help me, but it also can help other people, and I don't want I don't want like I looked at my children and didn't want to be here, yeah.

Cassie: 1:06:55

And that is what he done to me, and I don't want anyone to ever feel that and there are women uh you know that are losing their lives because of this. There are women that are losing their lives because they can't cope and they it's their decision, and there are women that are losing their lives to their abusers, yeah.

Hollie: 1:07:13

And that's the thing is it he you know almost killed me, you know, he he strangled me. There were so many things he'd done, but actually I didn't want to be here anymore, and that was what I came from my healing journey, and I you know I said it before, but to be in such a place that you look at your children and you don't want to be here is a horrible place to be, yeah, and I don't want anyone to feel that, and whatever I can do to stop people feeling that, or if you do feel that, give you some hope through my healing journey that those moments don't last forever. You know, it's not easy, but that doesn't stay, and and you know, I'm lucky I have amazing family and friends, and some people don't, and I want to create that safe place that if you don't have that circle to turn to, this is it. This is like your home, you know, and your safe place, and to be surrounded by people who understand it because if you haven't been through it, you don't you can't, and that's not being rude, it's not being naive.

Cassie: 1:08:13

I never did, but I just want to I want to create that place for people, I want to help people, and I want people to feel and you're already making a difference, and season two is just gonna bring a whole lot more for your community.

Hollie: 1:08:28

That's where I really want to take this now. You know, season one was a lot about, and you know, there is so many things that I think will be reshared because we are going into, you know, we had problems with all the lighting and stuff, so I really want to take this and do it again. But I think this season is gonna be really about I'm now a year on, he's inside for a little while, I am now out of the court case, I'm out of all of that. I now can fully start to heal without being in that cycle of court. I couldn't heal properly then. As much as I'd done everything I could, I was healing and then speaking to the police, and court cases were hanging over me, and it's you know, and I learned I was really hard on myself, and to anyone going through it, give yourself time. Yeah, but now I feel like I'm out the other side about this season and this next year of my life is going to be all about healing. I'll be sharing everything, raising awareness, yes, but also showing people that we can heal and become an even better, stronger version of ourselves.

Cassie: 1:09:30

Just know, Holly, that your story will literally change women's lives. Someone will be listening, someone will see this, and they will realise and recognise in you what they are going through, and hopefully it will give them the courage to to leave. But just in closing, if there are women that are listening right now, what do you want them to hear?

Hollie: 1:09:54

It won't ever change. It's not your fault, it won't ever change. The amount of times I heard it, and you know, through my therapists, through the police, you know, they it they don't change, like it will never change, and it is not your fault. You can change every part of you, you can change who you are, you can speak in a different way, dress in a different way, there will always be another reason as to why they are violent, yeah, and it is never your fault, you know. If if love ever makes you feel confused, anxious, scared, that's not love, it's abuse, and leaving maybe the hardest thing you ever do. But if you don't, your life is at risk, and nothing is uh ever gonna be harder than living in a place where you are abused in whatever way that is, emotionally, financially, mentally, physically, and you you are worth so much more.

Cassie: 1:10:55

Thank you so much, Holly, for sharing your story with me and for having the courage to speak the way you have tonight. It's very raw, it's very real, but it just know it will make a difference, and I'm so proud of you.

Hollie: 1:11:11

Thank you.

Cassie: 1:11:11

So proud of you.

Hollie: 1:11:12

Thank you. So thank you so much for listening, and um I hope for anyone that maybe hasn't listened yet, or if you have listened, that this was a nice little recap. Well, say nice, not nice, but you know, it's giving you a recap of what the last year has been like, why we are here, and what the vision is for the house of her going forward, and we look forward to seeing you on the next episode. Thank you for listening.