HOUSE OF H.E.R

The Healing: Becoming HER

• HOLLIE DOWDING • Season 2 • Episode 3

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This episode is the final part of my story not the end, but the beginning of something new.

After the trauma, the court case, and the survival mode, this is where I talk about what healing actually looks like. Not bubble baths and face masks but hard graft, grief, rebuilding self-worth, and learning how to be still after living in fight-or-flight for so long.

We talk honestly about how healing stripped me bare. How the noise didn’t stop overnight. How social media, control, and fear lingered long after the relationship ended  and why real healing couldn’t begin until I finally felt safe.

I open up about:

Why healing isn’t soft  and why it hurts before it helps
The impact of coercive control long after leaving
Social media, fake accounts, and how access doesn’t always end when a relationship does
Losing trust in myself and learning how to find my voice again
Body image, self-worth, and living with trauma-fuelled body dysmorphia
Why doing less healing work sometimes helped me heal more
The power of sitting still instead of running
Cutting out alcohol and seeing clearly for the first time

Turning pain into purpose  and how House of H.E.R. was born from the darkest chapter of my life
This episode is about learning to breathe again. About rebuilding foundations slowly.
About understanding that healing isn’t linear  but it is possible.
If you’re in the thick of it, if you feel like you’re “doing all the work” but still hurting, or if you’re scared you’ll never feel like yourself again this one is for you.

Trigger Warning

This episode contains discussion of domestic abuse, coercive control, physical violence, strangulation, stalking, suicide, and mental health struggles. If you’re struggling right now or something in this episode has brought things up for you, please know you are not alone and help is available.

Samaritans
Call 116 123 (free, 24/7)
https://www.samaritans.org

National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge)
Call 0808 2000 247
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Women’s Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk

The Survivors’ Handbook (Women’s Aid)
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/

Clare’s Law
https://www.met.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/

House of H.E.R. is a space for women who have lived through abuse, trauma, and relationships that broke them. This podcast exists to tell the truth, raise awareness around domestic abuse, and remind you that you are not alone in what you’re healing from.

Resources & support:
https://stan.store/houseofherpod

Join our healing community:
https://patreon.com/HOUSEOFHER

Follow @houseofher__ and my personal account @holliedowdingx on Instagram and please share this episode with a woman who might need it 🥀

SPEAKER_02:

Hello, and welcome back to season two, episode three. How did we get here? How did we get here? This is going rather quick. Um we're back here with Cassie. Um and this is part three. God, season two, episode three, part three. There's a lot to remember. Um part three of my story.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um the final the tr the final part of the trio. Is it a trilogy? Trilogy.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't know. It is something like that. It's part three. We'll keep it simple. We'll keep it simple. This one I'm looking forward to though, because this is about this might be a little bit lighter. Yeah. They were heavy.

SPEAKER_02:

So if you've if you've you're still here, yeah, thanks.

SPEAKER_00:

And this part is where it gets a little bit, you know, there's still some hard bits, but it gets a little bit hopeful. Heavy but necessary. I think it was necessary for you to go back. I'm really proud of you for doing so, but I think it was, you know, to get to where we are now, yeah. You had to go back over that again. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay, so we're gonna talk about healing, Holly. We're gonna talk about healing, we're gonna talk about your healing journey. And it is a journey.

SPEAKER_02:

I say healing's lighter, it's fucking not.

SPEAKER_00:

No, it definitely how would you it's hopeful? It is hopeful. How would you define healing?

SPEAKER_02:

Rough graft, hard fucking work, is how I'd describe it.

SPEAKER_00:

Um it strips you bare. Yeah, I've got a question on here that I want to ask you, but yeah, sorry, I've got my phone. That's what you're but yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

It strips you bare. It's I think healing comes in many forms. I think I think I got a bit confused at the beginning between healing and self-love. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm doing this and I don't feel better on the floor.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm having bubble baths and doing face masks. Why am I not okay? Um, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

I like to think that the moment you decided to go to the police, that actually was the ultimate act of self-love and self-care. Yeah. Because you finally took a stand.

SPEAKER_02:

I think for me, I that was the start of a bit of empowerment. Yeah. For me, I didn't see it at the time because I didn't want to go to the police, that wasn't my choice. Um, it was my choice. I mean, it was one that I'm glad I done, but I that was not on my itinerary at all. I just wanted to get on with my life, and and that was it. Um, I think for me, one part, and actually, I've not spoken about it in the other episodes, but was a crucial part of me being able to heal was him going to prison. Yeah. Because until that point, and I think what was I was really struggling with, and I think it's something that is not spoken about, and actually, I am gonna do a petition at some point when I get five seconds. Um, because I think the rules around social media are so bad, and one thing, and I'm sure a lot of you can resonate with is you may walk away from them, but with social media these days, he had six or seven fake accounts on me. He made it very aware, he wasn't hiding it, he wasn't doing what a normal person would do and just have a little sneaky peek. He wanted me to know he had them fake accounts, he told his friends he had them fake accounts. He would say to me on numerous occasions, and I've even got emails with him saying I've been watching it and getting one plus one and getting, because he knew that that control, he knew I would never let boys follow me, he knew I would never post a bikini picture, he knew I would never overstep the line while I knew he was still watching me. And he had access to you, and he had access to me. He could see, and you know, my job is social media, I share a lot on there, and actual that's why I had to step away for so long because I was tormenting myself and knowing that he was watching me, and I just think the whole rules around social media, you know, in everything that we do in this day and age, if I want to sign up and get a bank account or do this or do something, I have to show my passport now. I have to have verification steps. I don't understand why, with social media, when you are creating an account, sorry, I'm going really off topic here, but I just need to it is it does go in my healing journey, but why that you don't have to show your passport because if he had to show his passport, yes, okay, he could be made, he could still be allowed to make a fake account, but because I've blocked him, it should automatically block any account that he tries to make in the future. Now I know that there is something on social media where you can do it with email that if you've got the same email, I mean, we all can create a fake email account. I've got 12, not fake ones, by the way. Yeah, just to make that clear. Yeah, but I've got the House of Her one, I've got a Gmail one for certain things that I've made, I've got my iCloud one for my album. You know, I could use different email accounts. So I don't under and that's actually something that I'm gonna petition for, but that ties into my healing journey. I think really I threw myself in when I knew he wasn't watching me. Yeah. Because up until that point, I was just so scared of breathing still.

SPEAKER_00:

And then there was still a lot of noise. Yes, so much noise. And when he went away, it was almost like you were I could I could breathe.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and I can get my work back a little bit, and and he's not he's I don't feel like he's staring at me.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Because he still had so much control over me. Until he went to prison, I I wouldn't never have let a guy, even after I come out of the relationship, I would never have posted certain things, said certain things, done I just wouldn't have because I just thought he made me believe that you're a if you do something correct a certain way, I'm like, well, you're just desperate in the slag. So warped, so warped, but it's still. So even now, yeah, even now I really have to like I remember I'd done some videos actually, um and I don't know if you remember, and I was crying because I was trying to record in a jumpsuit for summer, and all that was going through my head is everyone's gonna look at you like what are you doing? Like, yeah, and it wasn't skimpy, it wasn't no, but it's just it but yeah, even now, like I get yeah, it's just it's wild. But that I think for me, that's what healing means, it's fucking hard work, worth it, because I can even now I'm not where I want to be. I I can see the difference in me a little bit. Yeah, absolutely, and I think it does give you hope that I now have stood through dark times and come out of them. So I think when you dip again, I still dip, and I actually very recently over the Christmas have been in a massive spiral again, but I now know the things that can help me, and I now know I can get through it.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's about building your foundation found foundations of strength again, Holly. You know, when all the noise was still going on, there was no way the healing could start, but actually, it's like that there has to be some space between you and the trauma, yeah, and in that space, it doesn't feel nice, it's not comfortable, and I think you do you have to lay yourself bare. Yeah, you know, it's it's painful. Healing is so painful, but I think with every experience that you go through whilst you're on this healing journey, all you're doing is just very slowly just building those bricks up. Yeah, and I can see a difference from the woman that I met two years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Such a difference.

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely. And I think no, carry on. I think as well, I think there's a fine line between fine line with healing that I think last year, and I think what I have learnt through the journey, is last year I just wanted to feel better. Yeah, I just wanted, and so I threw myself into the deep end and actually I think I put so much pressure on myself, which was probably not helping me, like everything I actually started reading non, is it non-fiction, you know, like Colleen Hoover. Yeah, Hoover, who I don't know, that's her name, yeah. Because I think sometimes, and what I've learned is with personal development and all of that stuff, it's great, but I felt like I was overwhelming myself, and I was giving myself so much to do that that was overwhelming me. I've got to get up and I've got to do my breath work and I've got to do this, and I've got to do that, and I've got, and if I don't, I'm never gonna feel better. Whereas now I've learned that I can I still do the healing work, I still do you know the therapy, my kundalini, which I absolutely love.

SPEAKER_03:

That's amazing.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, but I'm a little bit more gentler instead of giving myself 10 steps to do in the morning. At the minute, I'm doing a meditation and writing my gratitudes, like I'm doing maybe three, four things instead of trying to do four. And I think there has to be a fine line of doing things to help you feel better, but also not adding more stress and pressure onto you.

SPEAKER_00:

I think healing happens as well, Holly, when you stop running. And I think in giving yourself so many things to do, you were still so manic. So you're so used. Let's think about this. Two years, however long it was, you were living in fight or flight. All of a sudden they say he's gone to prison, stop feeling like that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and I think you're so right. I found it so hard to I couldn't sit on my sofa, Cass. Like I could not sit on my sofa. I said this before. I found it so hard. It was one of the biggest things I struggled with is oh my god, I want peace, and I'm I'm gonna leave this relationship and I'm gonna have peace. And then it's like, well, where the fuck is the peace? Yeah, why can't I sit still? Why can't I just become why can't I sit down? Why, why am I? And that's exactly I it was just maybe another like addiction thing. Like I was just filling my time up, so I didn't have time to sit and think, and I think a massive part of the process is just a huge part of healing, it's just sitting, it's just being still, it's just being still, and I have learned that very slowly, and it's one massive tip, you know. You can do everything, yeah, but a lot of the time, like you said, you are running, you know, filling your day with classes and things to do, and yeah, and this and that, and this therapy. And sometimes I think my biggest growth has come from sitting at home and crying into my pillow, absolutely, and that another thing, crying.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh fucking a man.

SPEAKER_02:

I love crying.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, you feel you might feel exhausted, but you feel so much better.

SPEAKER_02:

I love crying. Yeah, I used to hate it, I used to bottle it up, never want to show emotion. Oh god, I love crying, I love crying in my car, listening to a sad song. It's really depressing, but love seeing like Celine Dion and just sobbing.

SPEAKER_00:

If you see Holly driving down the motorway screaming, Celine Dion, you know what I'm saying, healing. So, in terms of I suppose feeling safe and trusting yourself again, like what how are you there? Are you getting there? Do you feel safe now, Holly? Do you feel safe in your environment? Safe.

SPEAKER_02:

I feel safe in my environment. I am actually my house is now somewhere that I just love. Love, I love that you I really do. I actually decorated it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I feel the same about mine, and I never used to for trauma reasons.

SPEAKER_02:

And it just holds me.

SPEAKER_00:

I love being at home. I love it now.

SPEAKER_02:

I've decorated it, I've got blankets, I've got just I say decorated, I haven't really done it. I've actually got the paint and still not painted. Yeah. Bought it a year ago. Um, but I bought pillows and blankets and candles and just made it feel homely. And you know, it took a long, long time, it really did.

SPEAKER_00:

But I love my house with my kids. That's so lovely.

SPEAKER_02:

That part, I feel like I've done I've come leaps and bounds. I really struggle with trusting what is trauma, yeah, and what is my gut.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I haven't got it.

SPEAKER_02:

But just know that that's only now that will improve, yeah, and it will, and I think I'm becoming I found it, there's been a lot of situations over the last year where I've really struggled to use my voice, and slowly I've done a lot of work with Kat. You will meet Kat one day because she's absolutely coming on the podcast. I think she's I think she's real life magic. Oh my god, she's just fucking honestly my favourite phenomenal. If you follow my Instagram, you'll know Kat who I do, my kundalini. I've done one-to-one sessions with her, I've done seven-week course. The chakra healing. Chakra healing. I done that, and actually, I think through that is where I started really.

SPEAKER_01:

She we and you think it's nuts, but I used to sit there and going, oh, if anyone can my friends cry laughing at me, and she's like, do it on your own, and I'm like, when she goes, Screaming, but I tell you what, oh, it's amazing, amazing.

SPEAKER_00:

The chakra healing is amazing. I did it all the way through chemo, yeah, and it was and then I did it again.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, no, honestly, I could just go back and again and again and again, but she I think has been a huge part of my um my my healing journey, and we will definitely get her on and and hear more from her, but I think I'm finding my voice. There is things that I definitely notice, and I am noticing in certain situations. One thing I do notice, and that I think I don't ignore so much anymore, is how I feel around people.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, that's really interesting.

SPEAKER_02:

Like my my energy and how when I walk away from a situation, if I feel drained or if I feel uplifted, yeah, and I really am no, and I never used to, I used to just think, oh, it's just how it is. No, it's not how it is. And listen, don't get me wrong, you know, sometimes I'm around my mum and dad, and they can do my editing. I think, oh, they've drained my energy, I'm never not going to speak to them again. But I think you can protect, but I will take myself out of an environment if I walk into that house and it's a very negative environment, and you know, and that could be anywhere, or with I will I will leave, I will not stay there and put myself through, and it's just protecting your own energy for yourself.

SPEAKER_00:

That is self-care, that is self-care, yeah, and that is that is something that you now will not compromise on. Yeah, you're like, no, I'm not gonna be around people.

SPEAKER_02:

So there's absolutely these things that I think, and they do come with time, and and those things I'm not there, but I'm there, yeah, absolutely. I am really, really struggling with self-worth and self-confidence. Um, I'm working on it really fucking hard. It's really hard. Um I have this thing with like my um what's it called? Um body dysmorphia. Yeah. Um and I uh look in the mirror and hate myself. I've actually never really said that on here, but and that and that's not me saying it because the thing is I feel like sometimes I go to talk about this on Instagram and I know you and people can say, Oh, you're beautiful, you're this. It it doesn't matter. Yeah, like it really doesn't matter, and it's not saying it, you know, it can come across sometimes like I'm saying it because I want someone to say to me, No, you're not you look lovely, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You could fucking tell me that all day, like it makes me feel so sad for you, but you know what? It's all about what's going on inside.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and I really struggle with that. I really do. I drive my mum and my sister mad, and I think they get a bit fed up of me, to be honest.

SPEAKER_00:

But think about the association of the trauma of how he treated you and how that became you would become fixated on your appearance because you thought it was the only thing that you had left, it'd taken everything else, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

You know, and you wanted him to and it is like an anxiety disorder, you know. I struggle with that health anxiety is a huge thing for me. Um, but this body dysmorphia has a grip on me. Yeah, sometimes I feel like sometimes I deal with it. It was really bad when I was in that really bad place, and then I feel like I got out of it and I was doing mirror affirmations, yeah, rewiring negative thoughts and saying them every morning, and that transformed me. But like all things, you get to a certain place and you feel better and you think I can deal now, don't need that. Yeah, done. Yeah, and then you realise you're not.

SPEAKER_00:

Healing is a massive commitment, yeah, it's just an everyday thing, and it doesn't have to be a hundred different things, no, but if you're gonna do something, I think for for me, healing is consistent.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I have to be consistent in something, yeah, yeah, and I'd rather be, you know, I've I've gone from being the girl that spends her weekends going out drinking and doing drugs when I don't have my kids, yeah. Chance of not having them would be a fine thing right now. It's not happening, it's not happening. Um but I've gone from being that girl to being addicted to healing on my weekends, and you know, it it's hard, it's hard, but it's rewarding because uh I I do when you see that growth coming through, it's amazing. But I'm just I'm really struggling with that part. I'm not gonna lie. I think it's something that I just can't look in the mirror and like what I see back.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, um I definitely don't think that's a forever thing, but I think as your healing journey continues, you'll fall back in love with yourself, and so you should. Yeah, you really should.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and there's parts of me that I think like I know I'm strong, I know all those things, and it shouldn't be about physical appearance, but I think what's hard as well, and what makes it very hard, and that I will never use a face app or a filter. We live in a world where everything is filtered, of course. And I go online and everyone I see doesn't have a line, they don't have a wrinkle, they don't have a blemish, they don't have a paw, they don't have an ounce because everything is filtered. And listen, I haven't got anything against people that use filters, I know people that use them, and you know, but I just think because I'm so camera-facing, you know, I do modelling now two days a week, which has been great for my self-esteem as well, um and overcome a big fear of mine. But I I talk on camera every day, and I I constantly am looking at myself. 30 years ago we wouldn't have been, you know. So I feel like it it's naturally in the world we live in, is so pi we're all so much more critical. Only mine, I Like the difference, you know. I know we all look, I've always looked in the mirror and thought, oh god, my eyes look dark today, but then I'd walk away and think, now I don't. It has like a linger, it's now I walk around every mirror and see what my eyes would look like in every mirror. Take yeah, and I've gone back into that cycle a little bit. I didn't do that for quite a while.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Um, but yeah, uh it's a bit of a cycle that I am struggling to get out of.

SPEAKER_00:

And but the power is in that you are aware that you're doing it. Yeah, okay. So that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02:

And I know now when I'm doing it, I try to be a little bit softer on myself because I know that I I know what I need to do to stop it. Yeah, I know I need to get back to doing my mirror affirmations, and I know that me doing all of the things that I done last year, I now know that they do work. Yeah, and that's the difference. It's just, and now I am doing them again, but it doesn't just happen overnight, and I know soon it will slightly start to lift.

SPEAKER_00:

But I think you're very all or nothing. You've got to try and find that happy medium.

SPEAKER_02:

I think that's an ADHD thing as well, isn't it? It's like a fixation. Yeah, you are your you hopefully I can get fixated on going to the gym soon.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't even talk to me about the gym. I need to sign up. I tell myself every day today's the day, and I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm trying a girl maths joining the David Lloyd. Oh, yeah, it's like£215 a month. And I'm like, well, if I stop therapy for a month or so, that's like£60 a week, which essentially is more than the gym membership. So if I use the gym as my therapy, girl maths.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, I think you need to stick to the therapy. Yeah, you're right. I couldn't live without it in my life. What about this experience, your own experience, and how it's shaped the direction and the purpose of House of Her going forward? I mean, this is you've got some stuff to do, right?

SPEAKER_02:

This is a really difficult one because we were actually having a little conversation about this earlier. And I I don't know if I'm at a place where I feel grateful that this has happened. Yeah. I know at some point I will be. Not grateful, but listen, we can't change who what happened to us. We can't change what happened to us. What we can change is who we become out of it.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

And it's happened to me like it's happened to you, yeah, not to be, but you know, your children were with the cancer, like I can't change that. I'm never gonna be able to change that. But if I can turn my pain into a power of of saving one person, yeah, giving someone the reassurance to leave that relationship. If I can do that for one person, I'm happy. Yeah, but I just don't want anyone to feel in that space that I feel. I don't want anyone to feel in just like it's the I just that just that sheer feeling of living on eggshells, that like the knots in your stomach, like it's the worst feeling. And I I just want to be able to do something with that. I just don't want what I've been through to just be oh you uh I just want I want to help people, like I want to turn it into a power.

SPEAKER_00:

I want I want what he's done to me to benefit someone. And I think like the cat my cancer experience just drives like a fire inside my belly, inside my tummy, and I think that's exactly what it's like.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, and and you know what, it was actually Kat that said to me, you know, sometimes this was your calling, yeah, and this was part of your story, and you and and I do have a bit of a platform, not a huge one, but I've built a great community online, and I now have something really important to share through that, and that community, and that platform isn't gonna be just wasted on me sharing skincare tips, which I love that but you know it's it's got a purpose now, and I was always never knew what my purpose was in life, really. Like, and I feel like I found it. I think you're exactly where you're meant to be, and I just and Kat said to me this was part always gonna be part of your story. Which is crazy, and it's really hard to feel like there's a part of me that wants to say thank you, yeah. I know, thank you for what you've done to me, because now I'm gonna save hopefully thousands, hundreds, millions, maybe even one day, yeah, of lives, and that's because of you, but at the same time, I'm like, I don't want you to have that fucking no, I don't want you to be thanked. No, I don't want you to maybe that's still the bitterness, maybe a little bit of but and also it's it's it's really hard when you've been through something so traumatic to be grateful that you went through it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it does I almost feel guilty for feeling the fact that you can put domestic abuse and grateful in the same sentence or cancer and domestic sorry, cancer and gratitude in the same sentence. But I feel grateful, yeah. But I do feel like it shakes you because it does it, makes you realise what's important, it makes you take stock, yeah, and it makes you realise what really is important, yeah. And you know, with your platform, and I mean how incredible that you have that. They they were your closest allies. Oh my god, it's my community on in they're like my best mates. Absolutely. I talk to them more than I talk to my friends. I know, I feel the same, and they've been there for you, and actually now this is giving back, and you know, there is a really high chance that there are people within your community that are suffering.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, well, I I I couldn't believe it. I'll be honest with you, I could not hundreds. Yeah, hund I feel like there's more people in my community that have going through it, been through it, know someone going through it than there isn't.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

If I'm honest, like I just feel like in the world we live in, it just is becomes just a bit normalized, mate. I just feel like men are trash.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Not every not all of them. Not every of them. Not all of them. But I just don't know. I just feel like it's just so things are becoming more and more accepted in how men treat women, and and I think, you know, or has been, I think there is starting to be change in that. I think more people are straight, it's it's there's a lot more awareness around it now than there ever was. But yeah, it's I think what has happened when you when it becomes so soul destroying is I think I've been through a fair few relationships, and you've probably been through situations, and I think I always said, and I like and my therapist actually said this analogy, you know, it's like having a building and someone throwing stones at the window, and each time the window gets damaged, and I and I think slowly in each relationship, and they weren't all bad, but just as time goes on, situations life happens, your self-worth gets a little bit dented. And I truly believe that that's how I ended up in the relationship I did because I didn't have the self-worth and I didn't have the self-love, and I never done anything about it. I never looked inwards, I never done any healing, I just covered it up with drink, going out, burying my head in the sand, partying, surrounding myself with the wrong people and going on that loop. Yeah, and one day that final stone gets thrown and it and the building shatters, and then the rebuilding has to be rebuilt. Yeah, and I truly believe that is what happened with me. I feel like he was the final, and they do two to get my time 2025 was like the year of the and it was shedding, and I feel like I and it was the end of a nine-year cycle. Oh, thank God. Yeah, thank God. I'm so happy that it was over. Over, but I feel like the last nine years I really have been on that cycle of the same cycle, the same situations, the same things, but each time my self-worth getting a bit less, and the situations getting a bit worse and deeper, and I I feel like he had to happen, yeah. For me to start again, yeah. And I feel like I'll never be the same again. I will never ever be the same person. I stopped drinking, which was huge for me for six months. I that is probably my biggest tip to anybody, not just in domestic abuse, but through any trauma, cut out alcohol. Absolutely, I don't know, and I'm not saying forever, you know. I now I went out for my birthday, and before that, I don't think I drunk since the July. I would be out every other weekend when I didn't have the kids. Yeah, not always getting completely trolleyed, but I would go, and now I can sit and have a glass of wine, but I don't really I'd prefer to have a cup of tea and jaffa cake. Um, but I now don't drink to numb, I drink because I'm going out to celebrate and I can manage it a little bit better. And I in the December actually, when he when I'd split up with him, when I went out for my birthday, he messaged me the next day and was on the phone, and I almost nearly went back because I was vulnerable. Yeah, and it was the drink, and it was that moment there that I thought I can't do this because I'll end up back with him. And I cut out the alcohol, and it was the biggest life change because you can see clearly. So clear. You don't feel anxious, you don't feel like you need you know, you're still gonna have your moments, but oh my god, that that that was the biggest catapult in me, I think, for making the decisions to cut people out, yeah, knowing what's right for me, knowing what's wrong for me, and for me being able to see clear in the direction that I needed to take my life, yeah. And I that is the biggest tip for anyone is please don't go out and drink.

SPEAKER_00:

I also think, as well, when you put something out in the universe, you actually realise that the reality of what is happening. I think the turning point for you was when you did speak to your sister that night, as horrendous as that experience was, and I know I'm going back a bit, but it's almost like once you put it out in the universe, you can't go back. And part of the healing is you do have to regurgitate that, you do have to go through it again, you do still ask why. I ask, I ask why about my relationship that broke down the week I got bloody diagnosed with breast cancer. Like, are you joking me? How could you leave me? And I learned, Holly, from your first 10 episodes that my past relationship was massively coercively controlling, but in a very different way.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I mean, there's so many parts to coercive control, there's so many virus, yeah. And that's the thing, no one really does. I actually got a message yesterday from a girl basically saying that she didn't realise like that she was in and it was listening to the podcast because and that's why I'm doing this because trauma bonds, understanding what type of relationship it was. It's incredible, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00:

And I want to put to you that your healing is how supper. This is healing. Oh my god, this is the heart. This is the healing that comes.

SPEAKER_02:

And actually, each time we speak, I remember something else, something else comes to me, and like I feel like I air something that maybe I haven't spoken about before, or like haven't done in a but yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

You just sit a little bit different now, Holly. You sit a little bit taller, and so you bloody should. Because you deserve it.

SPEAKER_02:

Are we touching it? Yeah, you will.

SPEAKER_00:

So, what's next for this platform and what are you excited about building?

SPEAKER_02:

I am just I my biggest mission, my biggest mission of the House of Hair, is I want to show people that you can heal naturally.

SPEAKER_00:

Nice.

SPEAKER_02:

So many times, and I've done it, and I know so many people that still do, and you know, they helped me through a period of my life, but you go to the doctors and you take an antidepressant and that gets you through. Have you done that? Yeah, not this time. Oh wow. No, I did years ago when I slept out with my little girl's dad, um, and I didn't come off them actually until just before I met him. Um but it a l it it numbs you, and it's actually one of the reasons why when I tried my ADHD medication this time, I come off of it because I felt like it numbed me a little bit. Um it numbed my emotions and I don't want to numb anything. And I feel like all those things are good, but you will still go in the same cycles, you will still go through the same things, and you won't you won't get to the root of where you need to get to that heals, and as hard as it is, the person you become after, or are becoming after, like I genuinely have hope that I am gonna be the best version of me. Yeah, like I genuinely see that for myself, like I'm not there and it's a struggle, but I know that, and I'm doing that naturally. I'm not taking, I'm not numbing myself, I'm feeling it like and now I want to like sometimes I almost want things to not hurt, but like if something happens, I'm almost like excited for the growth that's gonna come from it. Absolutely, because at the time it feels like utter shit, it feels like utter shit, but I know there's a lesson in it, and I know there's a growth, and I know that I'm gonna look back on that and think fuck. That's so powerful, that is so powerful, and I genuinely believe that nothing and nothing happens for no reason, like in every single thing that happens to us, there is growth or something to be learnt from it, yeah. And I actually weirdly, I don't know if that's a bit toxic.

SPEAKER_00:

That's something else that you've become addicted to.

SPEAKER_02:

It's a pain. Um, but yeah, I I do like I feel like each time things, little situations have happened. I mean, I think I've had my fair share to slow down on it now, but you know, I do I don't uh see it as such a negative. Yeah, I really do try, and like even with if you follow me my laptop this week, for example, and I had a meltdown, but you know what? The best thing that happened to me this week, my laptop broke in, and I took a positive from it that my positive was I am set for such big things this year. That laptop wasn't going to carry me through, yeah. So I got forced into it, and at the time it felt so shit, and I literally was crying to my mum, like every time I take one step forward, I take ten steps back. Then she was like, right, what can we do about it? And then I got my laptop, and now I'm chuffed, and I feel like I've grown from it, I've learned from the situation, and you know that's a very minor thing in what we're talking about, but in every situation there is growth.

SPEAKER_00:

I just feel like you I feel like you don't give yourself enough credit. I feel like you've you've actually got further in your healing journey than what you I think you ran in myself doing. You ran in there trying to get everything done in an hour and expecting to come out the next day feeling all right and I'm done now with a nice bow on top, and life just doesn't work like that. But I actually think bar the self-sabotage of the looks, which I do think really thing for me. That's so deep-rooted, Holly. Was that there before him?

SPEAKER_02:

No, I think I've always been I think I was actually pretty confident before him. Listen, we all have insecurities, you know, and there's probably things I really need to worry about more than cellular mud.

SPEAKER_01:

It's really you know, it's really alright.

SPEAKER_02:

I I it's just where my focus is, and and uh yeah, I know we've always looked in the mirror, but not to this extent.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I hear you. But the fact and and I and I know I'm touched on it earlier, the fact that you're recognising it like that's healing, Holly. You're a lot further along the line than you think you are, and you don't give yourself enough credit. So when you are doing your mirror affirmations, which you're gonna start doing again, just love on her. Love on her.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, I say to myself now every day, I've got them written out, and and the mirror affirmations were a miracle. Well, yeah, I promise you. It's your your brain will go to what's it feels safe in what's familiar. And when you repeatedly have those negative thoughts, that's what your brain believes. Absolutely, and it's about breaking that pattern, and your your brain and your inner voice will always go to what feels safer, and when you are so used to negativity, your body feels familiar in negative negative negativity, yeah, and it's breaking that thought pattern, and that's all it's doing, and it's replacing it, and every time them thoughts come in, when it's breaking it with the with a positive one, and the more you say to yourself, and don't get me wrong, I feel like a right dickhead in the morning standing in the mirror.

SPEAKER_01:

I love you, you are beautiful as you are.

SPEAKER_02:

I love myself, you are amazing. I'm looking at myself thinking, oh, and I can feel the inner critic coming in, like, what are you doing? But it doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, keep saying it. Yeah, like I have affirmations on the front of my phone, like money flows to me easily, and if and every time I pick up my phone now, I say it to myself like I do that because it's just about rewrite rewiring those negative thoughts and breaking them, yeah, and they will become your new normal. And I swear to God, when I was doing them before, um it worked. I genuinely felt like that whole thing what didn't disappear, but it was manageable. I would get in my car and not look in my womb, I'd forget sometimes, and then I'd think, oh my god, I haven't looked at myself and done it and feel like I'm alright, and it was like that for a long time, and then I stopped doing it, yeah, and it's creeped back in. But now I'm starting it again and I know that it works, and I know the things that I need to do.

SPEAKER_00:

And I think the biggest part of the healing journey for me with my situation was just really turning all of that negative thought process into a positive, but back into me. Yeah, like I didn't have enough in my locker to give to anybody else. Yeah, so after the trauma of what I went through, I just said to myself, I have to love on myself a little bit more. Yeah, and actually, do you know what the craziest thing is? Since I've been doing that, we're like 20 months on now from treatment, yeah, and the universe is opening up, it is giving me back in abundance, and it's also and I know it is a little bit woo-woo, but I love woo-woo. But honestly, I can't tell you. We we recently lost a really special lady in the cancer community, and I I watched a video of her the other day, and she said, I live my life in high definition, in HD. I live my life in HD. I have not been able to stop thinking about it because I'm like that. That's what I'm doing. That's healing, Holly.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, it's so true. And you know, sometimes those things do put things into perspective. They really do. And I think it's just it's all learning, isn't it? It's learning, it's being patient. And that's probably one of the things that I've learned that healing is just part of my life now. And I think it should be part of everybody's. Because I think no matter we've all been through some trauma, and but it's learning to be patient with yourself. And like you said, you know, just sitting in it and and enjoying. I think we're so we're in a world where like we we we play ourselves down like you say I do, you know, we chase, chase, chase, chase, chase those big things that we fit we forget the small things, and actually I've really tried to start appreciating, and it does make you smile a bit more. Like sometimes now, like I'll get myself a matcha, and I'll think like I just sit and think, Oh my god, like I this just makes me happy, absolutely. And I really try and like just enjoy those little moments because they do become the the big thing.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm genuinely smiling because my heart feels fluttering.

SPEAKER_02:

I get it, I really have learned to just really try and appreciate those little things and appreciate. I know it sounds crazy and it's so hard to get caught up, but the little moments with the kids, and I've just I think it's like teaching me to really try and slow down a little bit and finally understand.

SPEAKER_00:

I don't want to do that now, though. You know, for so for so long it just didn't feel like that. So that's why you're even more appreciative of it. Um I have one more question. Looking back, I'm sorry. Looking back, what would you say to the woman who survived? I'm gonna get emotional, who survived everything that she did. What would you say to her, Holly?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, it's so hard. It's like I I it that girl that you described, like I can see myself and I feel like I was so much younger. I feel like I was a little girl, but if I was talking to her, it would be like hang on in there, like it gets better, and I'm so proud. Like I genuinely am proud.

SPEAKER_00:

I was hoping you would say that.

SPEAKER_02:

I am proud because it's taken like it's taken a lot of strength, like a lot of strength that I didn't realise I had. Yeah. But I do. Yeah, you do, and yeah, we we did make it, and I know some of my best days haven't been lived yet, and I'm excited for that, and I just there's parts of me that would want to shake my younger self but like we just said I I feel like I had to go through it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

For myself and for the world.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02:

And I'm just I am proud.

SPEAKER_00:

You should be. I am proud. You should be so proud, and you know, you're making a difference. You really are. There's a lot of powerful women in this world, but you are certainly one of them, so yeah, back at you. Thanks, babe.

SPEAKER_02:

Here's to 2026, the year of the horse.

SPEAKER_00:

Ha fat we're done.

SPEAKER_02:

We're done, we're done. Um so yeah, I hope that wraps up nicely the trilogy.

SPEAKER_00:

Tri trilogy. I can't even say it trilogy.

SPEAKER_02:

Of um my story, yeah, my healing, where I've been. But now, most importantly, you know, as much as some of my episodes are going to be raising awareness, and I do would like to, you know, talk about still the trauma bond thing and those things, I want it to take a direction now of you know the things that I'm doing and a bit of empowerment and healing, and you know, proactive, yeah, yeah, and um I know there's a things that we need to cover first, but that's the kind of direction that I want to go in. And like I said before, my whole aim for my community is to show you that you are gonna be okay, you can heal without medication, medication doesn't heal you, is the bottom line. And I want to show people you can do it, like we have the strength within us, and if being in the darkest times has taught me anything, it's how powerful our mind is, and if my mind can be that powerful to make me feel like I don't want to be here anymore, yeah, then it can be just as powerful for me to create and know that I'm gonna have the best life.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh my god, I love that. So, yeah, well done, darling. You got through it.

SPEAKER_02:

Here's to her, here's to her, house of her, baby! Healed, empowered, rich, beautiful. Thank you for listening.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you for listening, guys.

SPEAKER_02:

And we I will see you on the next episode. Thank you for being part of this.

SPEAKER_00:

It was my honour, my absolute honour. Thank you. I'd like to come back one day.

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely. Bye, guys.